02x03 - Day 36 / 14

Episode transcripts for the TV show "The Wilds". Aired: December 2020 to present.*
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Teenage girls are stranded on a remote island as subjects of an elaborate social experiment.
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02x03 - Day 36 / 14

Post by bunniefuu »

[WAVES CRASHING]

[KIRIN YAWNING]

[UNIDENTIFIED RUSTLING]

Anybody hear that?

Hear what?

[BO] I'm not sure.

[KIRIN] Boner, dude.

Don't cry wolf while we're
trying to f*cking sleep.

- [RUSTLING]
- [WHIMPERS]

[BO] I think I heard it again.

There's always a lot
of noises out there,

I'm sure it's nothin'.

If Bo heard something,
he heard something.

[LOUD SNARLING]

[TENSE MUSIC]

Please tell me we all
just imagined that.

Can eight people all
imagine the same thing?

Whatever it is, I bet it's
decided to steer clear.

Death will come for us.

Be it by carnivore,
disease, or fates unknown,

death will come for us.

Henry, not now.

Sorry, but it's true.

The Grim Reaper is sharpening
his scythe, just for us.

Henry, not now.

♪ And the wind and the rain ♪

♪ And the winter squalls ♪

♪ We'll be found with barnacles ♪

[SETH] Shh!

What in the ever-loving f*ck was that?

♪ ♪

[LOW SNARLING RESUMES]

♪ ♪

Scotty...

[SNARLING]

[ANIMAL HUFFING, GROWLING]

[SCOTTY] Bo... do not move.

[ANIMAL SNARLS]

Nobody move.

♪ ♪

[ANIMAL SNARLING, GROWLS]

Ahh!

- [SCOTTY] Go, go, go, go!
- [ALL WHIMPERING, PANTING]

[JOSH] Go, come on!
Come on, go, go, go, go!

[INTENSE MUSIC]

So she cornered you into a negotiation?

More or less, yeah. The
most unhinged subject

of all of 'em manages to strong arm us.

Did not have that on my bingo card.

[SIGHS] Gentlemen, wait.

Dan, did you brief him on
our little Leah headache?

Just now, yes.

I'm afraid it needs your attention.

Well, can it wait? We have our : .

Mm-mm.

Well, I could talk to the kid on my own.

You know, maybe he'll loosen up

with just a single pair of eyes on him.

Or... I could sub in
while you sort her out.

[FABER] No, you can't conduct
the postmortems, Gretchen.

That's a huge breach of procedure.

Then let's change the
procedure, shall we?

Who can ask about that? Who's the HBIC?

Oh, wait. [CLICKS TONGUE]

Besides, you two have logged
countless hours with the boys

and we still have a colossal
Day Fifteen blind spot

on our hands that could mean the end

of this entire operation.

So excuse me if I'm a little itchy

to do your jobs myself.

The maestra will get him to talk.

In my heyday, I could
draw blood from a stone.

[INTRIGUING MUSIC]

Good luck.

♪ ♪

[GRETCHEN] There.

You suck at this.

Excuse me?

[SCOTTY] Is she a rookie?

I mean, she sucks at this.

You're over here busting
out these moldy-ass

interrogation tactics, waiting
for me to fill the silence,

trying to inv*de my personal
space to get a reaction.

I mean, look, no offense,
but you're not gonna

work me over using moves
I've seen a million times

watching Law & Order: Criminal
Intent with my grandma.

Listen, man, I, um... I get it.

Get what? A lawyer, for me?

'Cause that's what I'd like right now.

I get where your head's at.

You're young, you're Black,

you have every reason in the
world to mistrust authority.

If I was in your chair, I sure
as hell wouldn't talk to us.

[LAUGHS]

You know, that's a tired move too,

playing the "I can relate" card.

[YOUNG] It wasn't a card.

I was just saying some true things.

Hoping maybe you'll do the same.

The others been talking?

Mm.

For the most part, yeah.

All right.

Try me.

No guarantees, but, uh,

I'll let you roll the dice.

Well, I wouldn't mind hearing

about this, um, wild animal
encounter you all had.

"Encounter"? That's
a pretty word for it.

You have a different one?

Three, actually.

Battle...

f*ckin'..

royale.

[UNEASY MUSIC]

♪ ♪

This could've been my skull.

We won't let that happen, J.

And your skull's a lot
stronger than the plastic jar.

Not really.

One of my fontanels didn't fully close,

so I'm still a little spongy back there.

♪ Ooh, a monster lives ♪

♪ In our backyard ♪

♪ We'll be found with
bite marks on our nards ♪

[SETH] Henry, Jesus, can can you not?

Seriously, though, what was that thing?

[SUSAN] A big cat maybe?

Definitely some kind of predator.

Did she know this thing was out there?

No, of course not, okay?

She wouldn't just put her
hand on the scale like that.

If she said it once, she
said it a thousand times:

the particulars may vary
but the combined thr*at total

in both environments
is absolutely equal.

[MELLOW MUSIC]

[DOT CHUCKLES] I get
that these tablecloths

are kind of warm and that
we don't want to waste

any of Barb's party sh*t, but
we all look pretty ridiculous.

[LEAH] Yeah, I kind of feel like

I'm in a basket of french fries.

[LAUGHTER]

Yeah, or like a church basement

on spaghetti dinner night.

Well, I for one love 'em.

I get to make my bed again,
which I've really been missin'.

You know, just that
sense of accomplishment.

And no, Toni, the housekeeper back home

did not make my bed like
you so carelessly assumed.

The pleasure and the
privilege was all mine.

- Oh, God, you're a lunatic.
- [FATIN] No sh*t.

The definition of insanity
is waking up every morning

to make your bed knowing
that you're just gonna

mess it up again at night.

Raise your hand if you have
wasted years of your life

on the domestic f*cking hamster
wheel that is bed-making.

[SHELBY] That is a total
misrepresentation of a beautiful ritual.

I love hamsters.

Okay, and where are my liberated queens

who like to let the chaos ride?

[LAUGHTER]

Leah?

I mean, I'm not really on either side.

Like, sometimes I make
it, sometimes I don't.

Okay, that's actually f*cked up.

Truly sociopathic.

Okay, f*ck it, I'll help make the bed.

It's, like, you know,
a betrayal of everything

that I've ever believed, but...

- that's a relationship, right?
- [WOOD CRACKING]

- [LEAH GASPS]
- [RACHEL] Holy sh*t!

Toni!

Oh, my God, that could've hit you!

[TONI] Well, yeah.

[SHELBY] That could've k*lled you.

I'm good. I'm fine.

[SHELBY] Jesus, Toni. Jesus.

[ALL PANTING]

It was just a close call.

[SCOTTY] Hey, how 'bout
this tree right here?

We could slide it up,
keep it off the ground.

Are you sure this is far enough?

[SCOTTY] Yeah. Henry said if we keep

the food supply a mile
away, it'll keep us safe.

[SCOTTY] We walked, like, twice that.

I mean, that kid knows his sh*t

when he's not being a f*cking grumpus.

[LAUGHS]

All right, I'll do the honors.

- [SCOTTY] All right.
- [BO] Bend at the knees.

Oh, wait, wait, wait.
Hold on, hold on, hold on.

What are you doing?

Most of this bunker sh*t is nasty.

I want to be sure we haven't cleaned out

all of Josh's snacks yet.

Ha.

Free-range non-GMO turkey jerky.

Handmade in the Napa f*ckin' Valley.

[LAUGHS]

Nothing but the finest
for my boy, Joshy.

Here, put it in your pocket.

No, Scotty, I'm... I'm done doing this.

And I'm done having
this argument with you.

I... I mean, it's not
like we're doing this

for shits and giggles.

This is self-preservation.

Bro, you've seen how fast

those assholes been
blowing through everything.

Hey, look, hopefully, we get rescued.

Or... or maybe we'll
hit another jackpot.

But for now, we have to make
our own f*cking safety net,

just like we've always done.

You feel me?

Hey, what are you writing?

Don't... don't call that stealing.

Don't be painting that picture.

Oh, that wasn't what I was... [SCOFFS]

I wasn't making a moral judgment.

[SCOTTY] Uh, it looks like you were.

Or, uh, maybe you just have
that resting judgy face.

Which, frankly, isn't
great for this situation.

If it wasn't stealing, how
would you categorize it?

Look, y'all are old.

No offense, ma'am.

And, uh, by the way, you still got it.

[CHUCKLES SOFTLY]

What I meant by that is
y'all both been around the sun

enough times to know
how this sh*t works.

So when I tell you this,
I'ma trust you understand.

To get a fair sh*t in this world...

... some people have to cheat.

[DOGS BARKING]

[SCOTTY] Picked you
up a little something

'cause I'm a generous dude.

I found it at the dentist.

I was excited till the dentist part.

[SCOTTY] Hey, it's
too damn dark in here.

Let's see.

[CHUCKLES]

Oh, yo, yo, relax.

- My sh*t is clean, man.
- Don't matter.

There have been times where
I thought sh*t was spotless,

and he still went ape sh*t.

[SCOTTY] My bad.

[SNAPS] Oh, go to the page I marked.

Nice, Flo from Progressive. [CHUCKLES]

Look, man, I don't
get your thing for her,

but a man's taste is a man's taste.

Come on, man. She's funny and she's hot.

[SIGHS] You know, I feel like

if we ever dated, I could do dumb stuff,

and she wouldn't take it too serious.

Hey. Thanks, man.

Yeah, yeah, no problem, but aye,

this is actually a business meeting.

I just started it with the
gift like they do in Japan.

Check this out.

- [WHISTLES]
- You know that little girl,

Deena, that lives in my building?

- [BO] Yeah.
- I bought up a bunch

of her Girl Scout cookies, took 'em down

to that bougie-ass law firm
my mom's been working at,

and upsold the hell out of that sh*t.

I made, like, a smooth
hundred in two hours.

- Nice.
- Yeah.

So what are you gonna spend it on?

What am I... no, no, no, no, no.

I am not spending it.
We are reinvesting it.

- Oh.
- Look, here me out on this.

So there's these
designer collab T-shirts

that people are going
absolutely ape sh*t for, right?

And... and once they get discontinued,

we could sell 'em for, like,
three times as much online.

So I say we buy up a
ton, sit on that sh*t,

and then we make a huge
payday when we cash out!

Maybe even get your
Dwayne Johnson-sized ass

a double bed or f*cking twin
XL, something, something.

Get something nice in our
lives for once, you know?

But the only thing is, the closest store

that's selling the
shirts is in Tallahassee.

[BO SIGHS] My parents are going

out of town for a church
trip next Saturday.

We could, maybe...

... take my dad's car.

Yo!

But we have to get it back in time,

and it has to be in perfect shape, okay?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, that's...

that's what I'm talking about.

- Hoo!
- Scotty, I'm serious.

No, me too. Deadly serious.

- Oh, my God.
- What, what, what, what!

[FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING]

[EERIE MUSIC]

♪ ♪

[DOT] There's dangerous
sh*t lurking out there.

I've had my head so far up
the ass of this stupid book,

I've taken my eye off the ball.

So I'm gonna go do a safety sweep

and check for any widow-makers.

Uh, widow-makers?

[DOT] Yeah. That's what loggers call

a dead tree, 'cause when they fall

they do some serious damage, obviously.

Later.

I'm gonna head too.

Where you going?

[TONI] Jesus. Look at your face.

I'm just gonna get water,
okay? I'm not off to w*r.

I think I'm gonna... I'm gonna go with.

You know, live and die by the
buddy system and everything,

so I'm... I'm just gonna...

Bye.

Okay, so Dot's out of here,

the honeymooners are peacing out.

We should have a sign out sheet.

- Mm.
- Write down when you're leaving and why,

but you don't have to be super specific.

Like if you're going to take a dump.

When my grandma goes to
the bathroom, she says,

"I'm visiting the smallest room!"

Sure. Weird, but sure.

Mm-hmm.

I don't know, am I being a buzzkill?

Like, am I ruining my street
cred with all this mom energy?

Ugh. I just feel like people are

- walking out all the...
- [LEAH] We should get more.

Oh, my God.

Yeah, let's head back out there.

Oh, ladies?

- Where are you going?
- [RACHEL] Back to the grove.

We got to get more bamboo
to patch up the platform.

- Trying to stay industrious.
- What's that old saying?

Idle hands...

Devil's work.

Okay. L and R.

Should it be a grid system or free form?

Oh, my God, what the
f*ck is wrong with me?

Why am I acting like
a f*cking hall monitor?

It's nice. You just care is all.

I know. It's disgusting.

- [CHUCKLES]
- I think the whole...

death-by-tree scare
really got under my skin.

I feel like the gods are mad at us.

Maybe we should do
something to appease them,

like sacrifice a virgin.

I'm obviously not a candidate.

So you're saying I would be?

No. No, I was being funny.

[MARTHA SIGHS] Whatever.

Martha, I didn't mean...

[TENSE MUSIC]

♪ ♪

[GROANING]

[FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING]

[IVAN] Wow. This is bold.

Stealing sh*t in broad daylight.

You know, I hate to
break it to you, babe,

but you're not a ninja, okay?

You're like ' " and you have
gorgeous, eye-catching hair.

I wasn't stealing.
This stuff is communal.

[IVAN] Is your name on that bottle?

Oh. [LAUGHS]

Honestly, what an
intriguing little twist.

You know, I had you down
as more of a White Claw

and Natty Lite with the
crew type of guy, but pills?

It's very edgy. You know, very...

f*ck off, Taylor! They're
not, like, fun pills.

They're for, like...

Oh, go on.

Huh. A little honesty and, uh,

I might be less inclined
to make this a thing.

It's for my d*ck, all right?

[KIRIN] My d*ck's been
burning like fire for days,

and I sort of thought
antibiotics might help.

[SUCKS TEETH]

I sort of got wasted
at a party a while back

and got up to some sh*t
with this girl, and, uh...

Round of applause,
you sloppy, sloppy boy.

Or should I say le clap?

Hey, isn't slut-shaming one

of the billion things
you marched against?

'Cause that's exactly what
you did to me just there.

Uh, no. I'm shaming you for being

a dumbass who didn't bag it.

[SCOFFS]

I really f*cking hate you, you know?

Like, I thought I could tough it out.

Three days on some bullshit
retreat and we'd be done.

But now we're here,

and I got to look at your
smug f*cking face every day.

And that attitude you're
always walking around with,

like you're so f*cking superior,

like you've always got the moral...

f*ck, what's the word?

The ledge, the f*ckin'...
the upper ledge.

The moral high ground.

Yes. Yeah.

Course you got it on
the tip of your tongue,

'cause you think you live there / ,

but you don't, man.

That sh*t you pulled back home,

that wasn't moral high ground
sh*t, dog, not even close.

[TENSE MUSIC]

♪ ♪

[IVAN] Kirin.

[SETH] Hey!

Ugh, jeez. Hey, hey, hey.

Hey, dude. What are you up to?

- Me time.
- All right, well,

you think you could circle
back to camp, take a break?

A bunch of us were gonna talk strategy

in case that thing does comes back.

Submission is the only strategy.

We just take our place in
the natural order of things

and let it have its way with us.

Henry, Henry, stop.

You can't keep acting like this, man.

Okay, it's one thing to
mope because Mom and Dad

took over the living room to drink wine

and get horny watching The Notebook.

Yeah, "Mom."

Jesus Christ, I can...
I can call her that.

Whoa, whoa, hey. Hear me out.

Your whole hardcore morbid vibe,

when we're in the real
world, it's whatever, okay?

It's harmless.

Well, it did get you sent
on this sh*t show, but...

Yeah, do you get a chub every
time you remind me of that?

Would you just f*cking listen?

[SIGHS FRUSTRATEDLY]

It... it's different
here, in this place.

We're all scared. We're all low.

We can't have your death lord schtick

just dragging us even lower.

You know what I wonder about a lot?

Does she actually like
that you call her Mom?

Or does she just allow it out of pity?

'Cause your own mom
didn't want to be one...

... or at least not one to you.

f*cking bitch-ass p*ssy.

[INTENSE MUSIC]

[BOTH GRUNTING]

♪ ♪

[CHOKING]

[HENRY COUGHING, PANTING]

Are you out of your mind?

Are you trying to f*cking k*ll me?

No, Henry, the opposite.

I just want... I just wanted you to see.

To see what? A psychotic at work?

See how badly you want to f*cking live.

Which... which is very
badly, by the looks of it.

You left welts.

I'm... I'm sorry.

[SOFT DRAMATIC MUSIC]

I'm so f*cking sorry.

This energy, this clawing
for survival energy.

This is what I f*cking
need from you right now.

Okay, this is life and f*cking death.

It's not a schtick, you know?

I... I know, I know.

I know.

I know.

You just... you just got to be careful,

you know, man, like,
with the darkness levels.

Not everyone can handle it.

♪ ♪

I'm sorry too, for what I said.

And for the welts.

[LAUGHS] It's okay.

We're... we're family.

[HENRY] Agh!

This forced submersion,
just how violent was it?

Like I said, I didn't see it.

I only heard about it,

you know, after some
other sh*t went down.

Was there another event
involving either of them

that brought this account to light?

Why don't ask him about it?

Ask who?

Henry?

Or Seth?

It's not really for me to say.

All things considered,

they should've been the
closest two on the island.

Mm.

Goes to show, I guess.

Share a roof, share some parents,

that's not what makes someone tight.

Well, what does, would you say?

[SENTIMENTAL MUSIC]

♪ ♪

Not yet. Not yet, not yet.

[CAN OPENING]

- Caffeinating.
- [BO] All right,

well, drink it now, 'cause
I don't think it's gonna

fit in the cup holder and
I don't want you spilling.

[ENGINE TURNING OVER]

- What else you got?
- Oh, man,

look, I set us up, okay?

Snacks on snacks on snacks.

Scotty, I said nothing that crumbs.

Yo, relax.

Go time?

[POP MUSIC]

♪ ♪

[SINGER] ♪ Wake up your young heart ♪

♪ Feel the b*at ♪

♪ We're living in the moment ♪

♪ Like a masterpiece ♪

♪ ♪

♪ Are you ready for what's out there? ♪

♪ ♪

♪ A thousand stars shining ♪

♪ Lights all clear ♪

♪ I see it... ♪

[BOTH] ♪ Gloria! ♪

[SINGERS] ♪ Gloria ♪

♪ I think they got your number! ♪

♪ Gloria! ♪

♪ I think they got the alias ♪

[BOTH] ♪ Gloria! ♪

[TIRES SCREECH]

♪ ♪

[SCOTTY] How much time we got?

Two minutes maybe.

They just got off the interstate.

All right, all the
time in the world, baby.

[BO] Scotty, wait.

He'll find 'em inside.
Come on, around back.

- Hey, you sure about this?
- [BO] Yeah.

Nobody else comes in here really.

It's just me for the lawn stuff.

[BO GRUNTS]

- [KEYS JANGLING]
- [SCOTTY LAUGHING]

[SCOTTY] Home free, man!

You know, one day when
we're titans of industry,

we're gonna be telling
this story at some, like,

Forbes conference or
something, you know,

like, the tale of our...
our humble beginnings.

[BO] No, no. No, no, no, no, no, no.

No, no. No, no, no, no, no.

- I mean... It's... it's not that bad.
- [BO] f*ck!

You know, may... maybe
they won't even notice.

Are you kidding, man? I'm f*cked, dude!

- f*ck.
- [SCOTTY] Okay, uh,

Bo, Bo, calm down, okay?

Uh, this sh*t's on me.
I... I can fix this.

No, no, dude, I should've
double-checked everything.

Just... Scotty, just go home, man.

[SCOTTY] Nah, listen to me.

Um... oh, my aunt, she
taught me this trick.

Uh, do you have a blow dryer?

Yeah.

[INTENSE MUSIC]

♪ ♪

sh*t.

Here.

Okay, okay, here we go. Now watch.

Scotty, it's not working, man.

It's gonna work, all right?

It's all about the heat.

Hey, dude, I think they're pulling up.

Uh, go... go get me a towel.

[CAR DOORS SHUTTING]

It worked.

[LAUGHING] It worked.

[RACHEL] We did it. We
really did that sh*t.

[GRUNTS] We found our power alley,

our f*cking thrive zone.

I had no idea that constant manual labor

could be so, like, cleansing.

You know those signs that
they have in factories that say

"X number of days have passed
without physical injury"?

- No.
- Well, if I had one

that counted the number
of hours since my last

neurotic thought, I would
be at, like, a hundred.

This kind of makes me
want to be a carpenter.

- Like, f*ck a diving career.
- f*ck it.

Just set me up with
a level and a hammer.

I'd be building real sh*t.

You know, in a constant flow state,

too busy, too tired to
get in my head about life.

- Like Jesus.
- [RACHEL] Yeah,

but without the lame messiah stuff,

you know, just... just carpentry.

You'd be such a hot carpenter.

- Thank you.
- What should we do

with all these leftover pieces?

[RACHEL] Uh, that's a good question.

[FAINTLY WHISTLES]

Rachel.

No. No.

- [LEAH] Rachel.
- I don't know... no.

Rachel, in ten minutes, we will be done

with all of this and we'll
have nothing left to do.

Do you really want to stare
down the barrel of that g*n?

[WHISTLES FAINTLY]

[FATIN] Are you imagining someone's face

when you're doing that?

Because I feel like it might be my face,

because I was a real jackass back there.

No.

Not you.

[FATIN] Yes, bitch, snipe that sh*t.

[MARTHA] I actually don't
need company right now.

I know.

Like, maybe it's best you go.

Okay.

[FATIN] Martha, if you're
holding on to something

and you're sick of
being alone with it...

... I'm around.

Like, if it's about sex maybe.

[SOFT DRAMATIC MUSIC]

♪ ♪

Literally everything
about it terrifies me.

Yeah, I guess I... I guess
I've been kind of lucky.

I've only really experienced
the lighter side of it.

For the most part.

But I know that there's
a dark side out there.

And if it came for you,
I'm really f*cking sorry.

I'm gonna throw something out there,

and feel free to tell me to f*ck off.

But there might be
something that you could try

that would help bring this thing

that's making you sad into the light.

What?

I'll give you a super
user-friendly tutorial.

Hell, I'll try it with you.

Not with you-with you,

but still together, you know?

[KIRIN] This is f*ckin' stupid.

I don't know why we're hiding
out like a bunch of b*tches

on this stupid ledge.

I thought you said moving
the food would be enough.

[HENRY] I'm amending
my former statement.


If we really want to protect
ourselves, it's safer to assume

that the beach camp will
be the target tonight.

Predators don't forget
their marks that quickly.

[KIRIN] Are we really
taking him seriously?

You know this is just his
Johnny Raincloud bullshit

jumping out, exaggerating
how f*cked we are.

I don't know, man. Henry
seems to know his sh*t.

Hey, how many badges did
you earn back in the Scouts?

merit badges...

... including wildlife
patterns and defense.

I have expertise... Karen.

I believe that's what's jumping out.

Whoa! Oh, sh*t.

Yeah, so head on back to
camp if you want, Kirin.

We're not gonna argue with badges.

We'll be here.

[RAF GRUNTS] Help me up.

Whew.

[IVAN MOANS] This is
probably my trick-ass

brain getting all, like, creative on me,

but I feel like I still smell food.

[JOSH] I bet it's me.

My pores really express what I've eaten

and lately it's been all that Spam.

Well, I don't hate it, Joshua.

You doing all right, Bo?

Yeah.

You want to take my spot?

- There's a little bit more space...
- No, no, no, it's... it's okay.

I'm... I'm used to being scrunched up.

- [IVAN] Whoa!
- [RAF] Whoa, whoa!

We got you. You're good.

And you're definitely taking
my spot, there's a ton more...

No, no.

Maybe later.

I got to go pee now.

[SETH] Can't you just pee off the side?

It's gonna be a real
pain getting up and down.

[HENRY] Yeah, that would be wise.

Human piss is actually a
natural animal repellent.

Hm.

[HENRY] Okay.

You sure he's all right?

Yeah, yeah. He's just a neat freak.

[SCOTTY] You know, he...
he needs his privacy.

But, um, just in case,
I'll go check on him.

Bo, stop! Where are you going, bro?

I can't do this, man.
Look, I'm putting it back.

Don't... yo, yo. Yo,
put the brakes on, bro.

We... we can't just bury
it somewhere or something?

Scotty, it is not, like,

me and you versus
everybody anymore, okay?

We are with them.

You really think they're not
gonna make a f*cking U-turn

and... and drop you
when you need it most?

You know better than that, man.

They are not gonna do that, okay?

See, that right there?
That kind of mentality

is how you end up really
f*cking disappointed in people.

[TENSE MUSIC]

Yeah, so kind of like how I am now.

[GRETCHEN] You want to talk
about how that made you feel?

♪ ♪

How long had you two been friends?

Nine years maybe.

Yeah, yeah, nine.

It's like, um...

It's, like, a combination
of dumb sh*t and real sh*t

makes you boys with someone.

You know, Marvel vs Capcom at GameTime.

Or double cheese fries at Jerry's.

Or f*cking losing it

when our physics teacher
says "gaseous particles."

[LAUGHS] That kind of dumb sh*t.

And what was the real?

The real sh*t?

Like the actual, factual
sh*t holding us together?

[YOUNG] Mm-hmm.

It was what we knew about people.

Namely?

That they're out to f*ck you over.

And if either of us was

about to start softening
up on that outlook,

I'm surprised it was
Bo who did it first.

Why was that?

'Cause he got it taught real early

from the ones you're not
supposed to learn it from.

[SCOTTY] Ha-ha! The T-shirts all sold.

We did it. We moved all the merch.

Last one just sold for a premium, baby.

- Nice.
- [SCOTTY] All right,

after shipping, that's, like,

$ apiece.

- Apiece?
- Apiece!

Let's get this sh*t packed up, okay?

Hey, we clear?

[WHISPERS] Yeah.

[THUNDER RUMBLING]

[DRAMATIC MUSIC]

- [SCOTTY] Ah, f*ck!
- No!

[SCOTTY] sh*t!

[BO] Ahh! g*dd*mn it!

[SCOTTY] f*ck!

[BO] Agh!

The good mower's f*cked!

We put the boxes over the drain!

We must've stopped it up.

[MAN] Bo!

The hell are you doing?

[THUNDER RUMBLES]

[INTENSE MUSIC]

♪ ♪

You know, you should really
be wearing long sleeves.

Open skin is just an invite
for malaria, dengue fever...

Shelby, can you try to chill?

Pants too, a high sock and
a long pant anytime you're...

Shelby, stop, you've
been like this all day.

What the hell is wrong with you?

What? I'm just suggesting

a few safety measures is all.

The tree.

You're thinking about the tree.

It keeps... it keeps falling.

In my head, it keeps... it keeps

almost taking you away from me and...

Hey, hey.

I'm not going anywhere.

But yeah, I... I get it.

You know, like, the white-hot
fear of losing me, I get that.

I'm pretty f*cking great.

- Shut up.
- [TONI] I mean,

how can you ask me to
cover all this flyness?

Are you really trying
to put me in pants,

sleeves, and a high sock?

Mm, no, I changed... I
changed my mind about that.

[SIMON AND GARFUNKEL:
"APRIL COME SHE WILL"]

♪ April, come she will ♪

♪ When streams are ripe
and swelled with rain ♪

♪ May, she will stay ♪

♪ Resting in my arms again ♪

♪ ♪

♪ June, she'll change her tune ♪

♪ In restless walks,
she'll prowl the night ♪

♪ July, she will fly ♪

♪ And give no warning to her flight ♪

♪ ♪

♪ August, die she must ♪

♪ The autumn winds
blow chilly and cold ♪

♪ September, I'll remember ♪

♪ A love once new has now grown old ♪

♪ ♪

[KIRIN] This, uh...

... sucks.

[SETH LAUGHS] Was... was, um...

was that an Italian accent?

Were... were you doing, like, Luigi?

Like, um, like, "This-a sucks-a"?

[LAUGHS]

No. I was just pausing.

Like, "Uh."

Uh.

Hm, that's-a...

that's-a too-a bad-a.

Because-a for-a once I thought

you were doing something adorable-a.

Well...

... this-a does-a suck.

This-a suck-a big-a time!

Okay. It's-a my turn!

This-a hard-a-ass-a stone
is-a k*lling-a my-a butt!

[ALL CHUCKLING]

We-a were-a better on the beach-a.

[SETH] [LAUGHING] What was that?

Was that Jamaican?

Italiano via English via Español.

Unlike you, Chicago, I happen
to be a citizen of the world.

- [SETH] Ah-ha.
- I heard your mom's ass

is a citizen of the world.

- Oh!
- Ooh!

- Wow.
- Meaning that your mother's

ass is very well-traveled,
by other people.

She's, like, promiscuous.

Oh, no, dude, the joke landed.

You don't need to over-explain it.

Raf, are you really gonna let

this little buttmunch talk
about your mom like that?

[IVAN] And we've reached the
h*m* part of the evening.

Congratulations, everybody.

The hell do you mean "h*m*"?

"Buttmunch?"

Buttmunch isn't h*m*.

- Anyone can munch a butt.
- It's rooted in h*m*.

And as the only gay man here,

perhaps you should
defer to my take on this.

How do you know you're
the only gay man here?

I could be closeted.

Your assumptions about
my sexuality are...

[INHALES DRAMATICALLY]

... very offensive, Ivan.

[KIRIN] Mm.

Hmm. Yeah, I'm sorry, you're right.

No, yeah, you totally could've
gotten the clap from a guy,

or someone residing elsewhere
on the gender spectrum.

[IVAN] Oh.

Oh, I'll bring the group up to speed.

Kirin here has gonorrhea.

I caught him stealing
some of Josh's meds for it.

[SETH] sh*t, Kirin. I
mean, I feel for you, dude,

but you probably should've asked first.

Yeah, man, I... I could've helped.

I actually love talking dosages.

It's embarrassing, all right?

And you... you and your f*cking

"lips are sealed" bullshit.

You know, for a second, I actually

thought you were gonna be cool.

That was before you
disrespected who I am.

- My bad.
- f*ck you!

[SIGHS]

[CLICKING TONGUE]

I actually am a buttmunch.

Like... like, literally.

- What?
- No, it... it's true.

Um, Maggie, um, on
teen tour last summer,

um, I... I munched her butt.

She asked me to do it.

So, I dove right in, nose first.

You know, I... I would be lying

if I said that I wouldn't do it again.

Because I would.

[ENGLISH ACCENT] I would
venture forth and...

and dive my nose into her butt region...

very deep and exploratively-like.

[LAUGHTER] I'm gonna pee my pants.

Do it. Drain it right here,

tried-and-true beast deterrent.

[LAUGHING]

[SIGHS]

Bo missed out. This is a rush.

[INSECTS CHIRPING]

Scotty, I know you're back there.

Can you please just walk with me?

- [SCOTTY] No.
- [BO] Come on, man.

Having you behind me
keeps freaking me out.

Can't do it. We're in a fight right now.

[BO LAUGHS]

All right. Well, you'll forgive me

for putting the food back.

I really think you will.

[RUSTLING]

[SCOTTY] Okay, that
wasn't me. Wait there.

[EERIE MUSIC]

Um, the cliff where the rest of
the guys are is just up ahead.

So we should run like last time.

I don't know.

False alarm maybe.

[LOW SNARLING]

- f*ck! Go, go!
- Come on!

Run! Go!

[IN DISTANCE] [SCOTTY]
Go, it's behind us!

Oh, f*ck.

- [SCOTTY] f*ck!
- [BO] f*ck, f*ck!

[BOTH GRUNTING AND YELPING]

[SCOTTY] It's behind us!

[OVERLAPPING YELLING]
- Scotty, come on!

- Come on, grab it!
- Oh, my God!

Go, go, go!

Scotty, you got it, you got it!

[ALL YELLING]

[KIRIN] Up, up, up.
I got you, I got you.

- Come on.
- Go, go, go, go!

Come on! [ALL YELLING]

Hurry! It's coming!

- [SETH] Go!
- [SCOTTY YELLS]

- Bo!
- Bo, come on!

[BO SCREAMS]

[SCOTTY] It's working!

[IVAN] Get out of here!

[ALL SHOUTING]

[KIRIN] I got you, I got you, come on!

Bo, Bo, Bo, come on!

Up, up, up! I got you, I got you!

- Come on!
- Come on!

- Come on, Bo!
- Come on, come on, come on!

[DRAMATIC MUSIC]

[BO PANTING]

♪ ♪

[RACHEL CLEARS THROAT]
Attention, everyone.

Sit down, please. Please, sit.

Settle in, order a drink,

'cause, baby, we're
here to entertain you.

[STIFLED LAUGHTER]

- [RACHEL] What are you doing?
- Um...

- What was that?
- Yeah, no, I don't know.

I just went into this lounge
singer thing and I don't...

- Yeah.
- Yeah, I don't know why.

[BOTH WHISPERING]

What fresh hell?

Uh, no lip from the cheap seats, okay?

No matter how shitty this is,
we practiced it for two hours.

It was more like three.
Rachel got really intense.

Let's just do this.

[BOTH WHISPERING]
Two, a one, two, three.

[RHYTHMIC CLANKING]

[PLAYS PIPE SLIGHTLY OFF-b*at]

[MUSIC CONTINUES]

Is it just me or are they not bad?

She's flat, but f*ck me.

♪ Alabama, Arkansas ♪

♪ I do love my Ma and
Pa, not the way... ♪

[ALL] ♪ That I do love you ♪

♪ Well, holy moly, me oh my,
you're the apple of my eye ♪

♪ Girl, I never loved one like you ♪

[SONG FADES IN]
♪ Oh, home, let me come home ♪

♪ Home is wherever I'm with you ♪

♪ Oh, home, let me come home ♪

♪ Home is whenever I'm with you ♪

♪ Home, let me come home ♪

♪ Home is whenever I'm with you ♪

♪ Oh, home, let me come home ♪

♪ Home is when I'm alone with you ♪

♪ Home, let me come home... ♪

This is, like, the most
perfect moment of my life.

♪ Ah, home, yes I am home ♪

♪ Home is when I'm alone with you ♪

[SOFT DRAMATIC MUSIC]

♪ ♪

[SCOTTY] You know how sometimes you can

want something so bad,

like you can be praying
for it real hard...

... and then it finally comes.

[MUSIC INTENSIFIES]

♪ ♪

But it's like, it's not right.

Like, it came at the wrong
time or in the wrong way.

[BREATHING SHAKILY]

[SCOTTY] And you're left thinking,

sh*t...

God's kind of a m*therf*cker, you know?

I mean, just like this, right?

I used to pray all the time,

every night before bed,
every Sunday in church,

you know, that I'd get a Jaguar one day.

[BOTH LAUGH] It's like, g*dd*mn, Lord,

this is not what I meant.

[CHUCKLES]

We got to give it up
for the others, though.

They came through.

Yeah. Yeah, they did.

I'm sorry, Bo.

Probably don't tell you that enough.

Don't be. I'm the one
who can't run fast.

Yeah, but it's my fault you even had to.

It's my fault we're even here.

Hey. That sh*t's on my record too.

I'm proud of it.

Yeah. Yeah, we can be savage, huh?

[CHUCKLES]

You know what's really messed up though?

[BO] Hmm?

When that thing att*cked, we
didn't have any food on us.

I... I guess it didn't matter.

Hmm. Guess not.

[INSECTS CHIRPING]

You ever feel like you
were up against something,

like, relentless?

Like, no matter what you did
to try and get on a come up,

it was always gonna be there
to slap you back down...

... making sure you
knew you could never win.

What's this?

[SCOTTY] It's my old house.

We lived here till I was, like, seven.

[BO] It's nice. I mean, really nice.

[SCOTTY] Yeah. It's a real-ass house,

that's what it is.

I didn't have to share
a room with anybody.

Didn't have to listen to p*rn

coming through my
neighbor's wall every night.

I come to remember what I
lost, what I want to be again.

It's for sale.

Damn.

Maybe the bank got these folks too.

Hey, come on.

[SCOTTY] They took this place from us.

[BREATHES SHAKILY]

[GRUNTS]

It's just you and me, Bo.

Just you and me.

[GRUNTS] Ah!

Ahh!

[ECHOING]

[BO GRUNTS]

[DRAMATIC MUSIC]

♪ ♪

[SCOTTY] Wakey f*ckin' wakey!

Me and Bo have been thinking.

That cat is gonna keep
coming until we stop it.

And it ain't no one-man or two-man or...

it's not even a seven-man job.

It's gonna take all of us, together.

[SOMBER DRAMATIC MUSIC MUSIC]

So come on! Get up!

What the f*ck are y'all waiting for?

♪ ♪

We got a jag to k*ll.

♪ ♪

[SINGER VOCALIZING]

♪ ♪

[CHILD] Beep-beep, coming through.
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