02x05 - The Wishbone

Episode transcripts for the TV show "Suburgatory". Aired: September 28, 2011 –; May 14, 2014.*
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Series follows George, a single father who decides to move from NYC to the suburbs so he can give his teenage daughter a better life.
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02x05 - The Wishbone

Post by bunniefuu »

Change is a part of life.

It's inevitable.

The trees don't apologize
when they change,


so why should I?

I'm not sure I've ever
known the calm I feel

when lying in a pile of crisp fall leaves.

It's as though...

Something crawled down my throat.

Ugh. Something leggy.

Let's go inside, Lisa.

I don't have any more clarity now

than I did before whatever that
was crawled down your throat.

I just...

don't know how George
is gonna feel about this.

Tessa, you've spent
consecutive thanksgivings

tethered to that man's teat.

Just this once your mother,
who you've never met,

- is flying in from Berlin...
- Exactly.

And it's really important
to my grandmother.

It's too bad we didn't
have more of a heads-up.

Could have made a great
human interest piece.

I could have reached out to
Connie Chung, Hugh Downs...

God. I wish Donahue was
still in the game.


Phil would have
handled this right.

Oh, so I was thinking...

we do all our Thanksgiving
traditions the day before.

We drive into the city, see
the floats, all that jazz,

then day of, we hit the Royces'.

Cool.

It's gonna be smaller this
year. Just our two families.

That's fine, George.
Whatever you wanna do...

because I might not be here.

And no costumes
this time. I made Dallas promise.

What... sorry?

Did you just say you might not be here?

Where might you be?

So... it's like this, okay?

Uh, my mother,
as it turns out,

is flying into New York on Thursday

to be with my grandmother for the holidays.

And... they were wondering

if... I might now be at an age...

where I'm interested in... joining them.

I see, and are you...

at an age where you might be
interested in joining them?

I am.

Well, that's fantastic.

That's great.

Hey, I... you know... you
know... you know...

you don't have to act like you
gotta break it to me gently,

or it's something I don't wanna hear.

I'm all for it.

You know, I... I think it's great

that Alex is finally making an effort.

Burn.

What's that?

- I said "burn."
- Burn?

Yeah, it's like you can't
resist going after Alex.

"Finally making an effort"?

That's an impartial fact.

Unless there were some prior overtures

that I wasn't privy to.

Why are you talking like
you're on trial for witchcraft?

O... okay, but for the
record, in the city of Salem,

I'm not the one that would be on trial!

That was a burn.



[Alih Jay] ♪ last night I
had a pleasant nightmare ♪

x
The Wishbone

This year's Thanksgiving is
gonna have a Caribbean theme,

so I'm gonna need you to
use the word "mon" a lot.

For instance,

"sorry me mashed potatoes
be so clumpy, mon."

"Clumpy, mon."

I also don't need to remind you

that I'm severely
allergic to anything nasty.

So all the food you cook
should be good-tasting

or not nasty when at all possible.

"Not nasty."

All right. Is there anything
else before I start shopping?

Alan, you're fired!

Mommy, he didn't mess up yet.

This isn't performance-related,
it's George Altman-related.

Boo got bad news.

Tessa isn't gonna be here for Thanksgiving.

You said bad news.

George is thinking about
skipping the holiday altogether.

We need to rally around him, Dalia.

Start our own tradition.

Of f*ring loyal employees?

Alan, hush!

We're gonna keep George occupied

by cooking our own
Thanksgiving meal together.

Well, I guess I'll stop streaming

"Cool Runnings" to my phone...

even though it's already
halfway downloaded.

There.

How are those veggies coming, Denzel?

- I'm grating cheese, actually, but...
- Almost done, Mrs. Shay.

Yeah, you can handle whatever
I throw at ya.

Hey, how 'bout some tunes?

Yeah.

[ "Groove is in the Heart"
by Deee-Lite plays ]

Whoo!

Whoo!

Hey, some people are trying to shuck here.

This is like "The Big Chill."

♪ The chills that you spill ♪

♪ up my back keep me filled ♪
- okay, that's enough.

Just stop.

Malik, I am just gonna
come right out and ask you.

Will you share Thanksgiving
dinner with our family?

- Mother.
- Well, look at his pile!

He's the T.I. of green beans!

No, she's right. He is.

He's earned it. He's
earned a place at our table.

Well, I am sure that Malik
would love to join us.

But sadly, he'll be eating
dinner with his own family.

Actually, my family eats really early,

so I could probably
make it to both dinners.

Well, that's fantastic, Malik.

Then it's settled.

Guess who's coming to dinner, Lisa?!

Alex better not foul this up,

- you know?
- I couldn't agree more.

Her pass rush k*lled Tebow last year.

- Alex's did?
- Wha... yep.

- You're not listening to me, are you?
- I'm... see, in my...

What I meant to say was... Alex. Okay.

In my mind, Alex is Michael Vick.

What?

She screwed up.

Things got ugly. Dogs d*ed.

No one's saying they didn't.

But... he was given a second chance,

and he proved himself.

In fact, he went on to
have his best year ever.

So if you open the door
for Alex, you know...

Who knows?

Alex is Michael Vick?

Alex is Michael Vick.

No wonder things didn't work out
between us.

Happy
Thanksgiving!

- George!
- Oh, hey, baby.

- Hi!
- Hi.

Mmm.

Noah.

Gobble gobble, Dallas!

Oh, yes, absolutely. Gobble
gobble to you and yours.

Is she here?

Who, Jill? My better half?

No, she's still away on her book tour.

I meant Carmen,

my better half and former
housekeeper that you stole.

Oh, Carmen. Right.

No, she took the baby to see
a witch doctor in Yonkers.

She's convinced he's possessed.

Me, I don't see it.

And Jenna?

Oh, she went home with a brown friend.

A friend from Brown.

Some Chinese kid.

Wow. So we have you all to ourselves.

Lucky, lucky us.

All right, guys. Uh, hey,

- thank you for being here.
- It means a lot.

Ready to start cooking?

Mommy,
here's the wardrobe.

Dalia!

This is a little risque
for Thanksgiving, isn't it?

Look! They're all backless.

Uh-oh. Naughty.

As I rode the elevator
up to the ninth floor...


of my grandmother's
apartment building,


I thought about it...

the girl who'd never met her mother

was about to be no more.

It was weird.

Not knowing her was part
of my identity, almost.


And now all of that was about to change.

She's coming. I... I swear she's coming.

I'm just having a hard
time getting a hold of her.

Wishbone. I call the wishbone, dad.

- You're not listening to me, mother.
- Wishbone, you guys.

Wishbone. I called it.

I don't understand what the problem is.

Malik and I are completely Kool & The g*ng.

That is the problem,

is that you're trying
too hard to be... down.

You know, most
girls want their mothers

to like their boyfriends.

When we went out for pizza last week,

you told him that he was
the Keenen Ivory Wayans

of opening car doors.

And I completely stand by that! He is!

When your father opens a car door,

his butt be all tight...

No, she's right.

That's how I do it,
like my father before me.

That must be Malik.

Well, Lisa, answer the door.

Don't tell me what to do.

I'll get it.

Thank you.

How's it going, man?

I'm sorry I'm all grubby, Mrs. Shay.

Me and my family just got
done playing touch football,

and I didn't want to be
late, so I rushed over here.

I brought dress clothes for dinner, though.

Honestly, Malik,

I don't give a rat's ass
what you wear to the table.

That better?

Did I do something to make your mom mad?

No. I did.

- Gobble gobble, George.
- Hey, guys.

As people who have been
exiled by our own families

just for loving each other,

we're honored to be invited guests

- to your... yeah, yeah.
- Alan, kitchen, please?

Okay. Listen...

I am a little... overwhelmed here.

Cooking dinner with Dallas

is a lot like cooking by yourself. Ow.

And the last thing I wanted to do

was cook a Thanksgiving dinner.

Funny. The only thing I wanted to do

was cook a Thanksgiving dinner

until, uh, your depression got in the way.

Well, help a
depressed guy out, then.

I got a couple questions for ya.

Number one... whoa.

I was late getting the bird in the oven,

didn't get to brine it.

Will those little turkey
hairs cook off on their own?

- Turkey hairs?
- Number two,

- the potatoes are too salty.
- This much I know.

How do I counter the effect?

More potatoes? Water?

Butter? Milk?

Baking soda.

Baking soda!

Wake up, dreamer.

- What?
- I thought I was here as guest Alan.

But it's obvious you
only see me as Chef Alan.

If you're looking for
my professional opinion,

it's gonna cost you.

Oh, really? Okay, how...
how much to tell me

what to do with these potatoes?

- $ .
- bucks? Are you crazy?

I'm a working man.

Besides, I can already tell
from the way your eyes lit up

that the correct answer is water.

Huh?

Am I right?

Those are garbage.

♪ I wouldn't ask for another ♪

Please don't feel uncomfortable.

You'll notice my eyes are locked on yours.

I see that.

I would also like to assure you

that I am very comfortable
with the human form.

I once took a life drawing class

where we sketched nude models,

one of whom happened to be Armenian.

And I want you to know

that I have a female pediatrician

who's about your age and also white,

so I'm completely comfortable.

I once worked as a
counselor at a summer camp

where I had to perform
biweekly tick checks,

and I can assure you I was quite thorough.

I saw everything.

- I was born naked.
- Terrific.

And I think we've
navigated this quite nicely.

I'd, uh, offer you desert,

but Alex was supposed to bring it.

I have a fruit leather in my purse.

I was gonna save it for my
doctor's appointment tomorrow,

but you can have it if you like.

What flavor?

Uh, I believe it's... apricot.

No, thanks.

Uh, I think I'm just gonna head home.

I... I... I don't
know what to say, Tessa.

I'm just so disappointed in Alex.

And embarrassed, quite frankly.

I can't imagine what's
going through her head.

It's okay.

Maybe it wasn't meant to be.

Anyway, dinner was great.

Oh. Oh!

I can only imagine what
your father's gonna say

when he hears Alex didn't show up.

Well, he's not gonna
hear it from me 'cause...

I'm in no mood to hear it from him.

- Bye, sweetie. Careful.
- Thanks.

She didn't show up.

My mom didn't show up.

I had no idea where she was
or what country she was in,


but at this point, it didn't even matter.

George.

Alex.

You must be Tessa.

Hi.

Wow.

She's beautiful.

Thank you.

She's in New York with Helen, Alex.

They were both expecting you.

No, that can't be right.

Yes, it's right.

No, I got a fax from my mom

that said Tessa was here in Chatswin,

and then my flight got delayed,

and so I just came straight here.

Who faxes?!

I don't have a cell phone, okay?

Okay.

Oh.


Hi, group of people I don't know,

standing in a semicircle, judging me.

Hi.

Alex, we actually do know each other.

Noah Werner.

I met and judged you years ago.

Ugh!

How can I be so stupid?

Everything I touch turns to garbage!

- Sweetie, it can't be that bad.
- Unbelievable.

- That sucks.
- Oh.

George, can I talk to you for a minute?

George, I can't believe
you're being so cold.

That poor woman is obviously
sorry about her mistake.

And look at her. She's
beside herself.

Dallas, trust me, you can't get sucked in.

This...
this is what Alex does.

She's irresponsible.
She hurts other people,

and... and then... and then
she acts like she's the victim.

In the end, you're so busy comforting her

that you forget that she
is the one that screwed up.

She's the one that caused it.

Do you underst...

Well, don't you feel just
a little bit sorry for her?

It had to be hard for her to show up here.

Hard for her?

Dallas, Tessa showed up in New York

expecting to meet her mother, okay?

That's who I feel sorry for... my kid.

Alex is not my kid.

She was supposed to be
the mother... of my kid.

I gotta call Tessa.

I'm sorry about the wishbone, dad.

I just really need it
for something important

- I'm trying to do this year.
- Mm?

I want to make love to our neighbor.

Paul Biederman?

Dessert already?

Have you had your fill, mother,

or would you care for some more dark meat?

Okay, Lisa...

let's have out with it

so these boys can eat my pie in peace.

Yeah, let's have out with it!

Fred, Ryan,

I saw Malik naked.

Big whoop! It was no big deal.

Well, it wasn't a small deal.

Okay. Okay, okay.

I went in to put some fresh
towels in the bathroom,

and he was getting out of the shower.

It was an accidental
sighting, and Malik knows that.

Oh, come on. Malik was born naked.

Okay, well, it might not be a big deal

to anybody else at this table...

Well, it wasn't a small ding-a-ling!

Okay, this is a deal-breaker.
You hear me?

- A deal-breaker!
- Wait, Lisa, hold on.

- No, no.
- Stop.

Well, I suppose it isn't
Thanksgiving at the Shays'

until someone shows off their naked body.

What?!

In some ways, I was relieved.

Maybe the whole change thing is overrated.

I was still the girl who
hadn't met her mother,


and there was comfort in that.

She's a real hard worker.

In fact, for as long as I've been dealing,

none of my employees have ever pushed

the amount of crystal rock she has.

Tessa's very much like a man.

She dresses like a man, but
she's smaller than a man.

She's like a man trapped
in a small boy's body.

There he is now.

Hey, everyone.

Dallas. Dalia. Noah. Mr. Wolfe.

- You must be Alex.
- Yeah.

This exactly how I
imagined us always meeting,

in a roomful of people
we're not related to.

The only person missing is Chef Alan.

Oh, I'm here, Tessa.

Oh. Of course. Terrific.

I'm gonna be in my room.

She saluted? Why did she salute?

Honestly, I don't know.

And she hasn't been part of
the m*llitary at any point?

What? No. No. She probably felt awkward.

Well, it was awkward.

You know, I should probably just go.

I'll call you a cab.

Wait, no, George, no.

This is a make-or-break
moment for Tessa.

Alex needs to get up
there and make this right.

If it doesn't happen
now, it may never happen.

She's right.

Alex, Tessa needs you,

so you need to find a way to reach her.

Take her this. It's... it's her favorite.

George...

I didn't make it.

Um, hello! It's kind of
hard to have a conversation

- with the back of your head.
- There's nothing to discuss.

Lisa! Look at me.

Every time I look at you,

- all I see is my mother seeing you naked.
- That doesn't make any sense.

You've gone further with my mother

than I have gone with you.

Well, what do you want me to do?

I want you to leave me alone.

Really? You're...
you're gonna blame me

for something that wasn't my fault?

- It was an accident!
- Maybe we were the accident.

You know, maybe we were.

You're really immature, you know that?

You want me to hate
your mom? Sorry, I don't.

Grow up.

So I guess we're breaking up?!

[ "Orange sky"
by Alexi Murdoch plays ]

I like your room.

Thanks.

Ooh.

Average Shelf Life, huh?

Pretty solid band.

I mean, their sophomore album
wasn't as strong as their debut,

but that pretty much
happens to everyone, right?

Yeah.

They tried to go electronic
on this one track,

and it totally didn't work.

Yeah.

Oh... (Sighs
I'm really jet-lagged.

I feel like I'm... in a dream or something.

You can lay on my bed if you want.

Nah, I prefer the floor.

It grounds you. You should try it.

I do it all the time, no matter where I am.

Even public bathrooms?

No, not anymore.
That's how you get ringworm.

♪ Well, I had a dream, I ♪

♪ stood beneath an orange sky ♪

I'm really sorry for the mix-up today.

It's okay.

I thought you'd changed your mind.

Changed my mind?

Tessa, I never meant for things

to go the way they did, you know?

And there's not a day that goes by

- when I don't think about you...
- We don't really need to talk about this

right now.

Okay.

You know, I'm kind of
surprised that the kids here

are listening to Average Shelf Life.

It doesn't really seem like
an "A.S.L." town, you know?

It's not. But they've
always been my favorite band.

Ever since I saw them perform at the...

How messed up would that be

if I actually fell asleep right then?

Is it tough for you, fitting in here?

Yeah.

♪ Oh, but you know I am so weary ♪

♪ And you know my heart ♪

♪ my heart's been broken now ♪

♪ sometimes, sometimes
my mind is too strong ♪

Sometimes the big moments
you picture in your mind


don't turn out the way you
think they will.


But if you unexpectedly get a second chance

to make things right,

you should probably take it.

♪ In your love my salvation lies ♪

♪ in your love my salvation lies ♪

♪ in your love my salvation lies ♪

Hey. Everything... Kajagoogoo up there?

What?

Everything was fine,

if that's what you're asking.

Yeah.

Yeah.

She kept
pretending to fall asleep,

and then she actually fell asleep.

We got to talk a bunch, though.

She seems pretty cool.

Is it okay if she stays over?

I just don't want to wake
her up to tell her to leave.

She'll get going in the morning.

Yeah, fine. That's fine.

Thanks...

Dad, for, like... letting all this happen.

You don't have to thank me.

I'm not gonna be an obstacle in this.

You'll see.

All I ever want is for you to be happy.

I'm happy.

Good. Good.

Really happy.

Holy crap! Did you cook
this? This is stupid good!

I cooked exactly none of that.

Chef Alan practically made everything.

And charged me through the nose for it.

In that case, I'm gonna
have to make a plate.

Yeah, me, too. I think I'll join you.

I was so stressed out
tonight, I barely had a bite.

Let me try this.

Stupid good.

Mm-hmm.

- You want some turkey?
- Yeah.
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