02x06 - Friendship Fish

[bunniefuu]

We're in a perpetual
state of transformation,

a caterpillar transforms into a butterfly,

thanks to a biological
process known as metamorphosis.

And George was in the middle
of a transformation of his own

thanks to a biological process
known as dating Dallas royce.

Oh, George, look at you,

emerging from that dressing room

like some kind of beautiful butterfly.

You know, I never thought
I could pull the whole

shoulder-draping sweater thing off, but...

I do.

I pull it off.

And by moving the plaid
from up top to down low,

you're creating visual
intrigue near your quads.

Uh-huh.

Oh, yeah. That's...

- I love it.
- Really, George?

'Cause I don't want you
to say you like something

just 'cause I like it.

I want you to be happy.

I... I am happy.

I'm happy because you're happy.

He is my snipes in shining armor, y'all.

George and Dallas' relationship was on
cruise control...

But Lisa and Malik's had
flipped over the divider

into oncoming traffic
and caused a -car pileup.

Their breakup was messy.

Lisa...

You're... looking well.

You... you going to French?

Whether I'm headed to French
or into another man's arms

is none of your business.

My class schedule and
personal whereabouts

are no longer your concern.

So I guess you don't wanna talk
about getting back together?

The only thing I wanna talk
about is the safe return

of the scrunchies I left
in your mother's car.

There was a cheetah print.

A cheetah print?

A messy breakup posed no thr*at
to my relationship, luckily.

My tablet and I were still
in the honeymoon stage,

and let me tell you,

the two of us were made for each other.

My tablet made me laugh...

Made me cry.

And the two of us...

we didn't play games with each other,

unless you count "Frogger."

Hey, Sheila.

Excuse me?

Do I look like a Sheila to you?

Well, yeah, you do, kinda.

Really?

Is it the garden clogs? It's
the garden clogs, isn't it?

Or the sun hat.

Okay, but let me tell you something.

There is not an anti-aging
cream on the market

that does what a
wide-brimmed sun hat can do.

You take heed, Tessa.
Your skin is awfully fair.

- Okay. I'll take heed, George.
- Mm-hmm.

Can I have that back, please?

Thank you.

Now if you need me,

I will be spending my weekend
in bed with a scary old man.

Edgar Allan Poe.

You know, you could've just
said you were gonna go read.

Howdy.

Jx .

Jx . Jx .

What can I do
for you? Jx .

Can I help you with something?

Jx .

Okay. You looking to get wet today, son?

You pulled down the
wrong cul-de-sac, girl.

What you got?

What you got?

I got... I got two kids!

George.

Theo. Cyrus.

Hey there, Georgie.

George. That was priceless, buddy.

You ran like a scared little rabbit.

I thought you were gonna slip
and fall on your trowel there.

Okay, well, that... that...
that's a pruning snip...

- Mm.
- So joke's on you.

What the heck you guys doing in Chatswin?

We're putting in a bid for
that big job up in Scarsdale.

They're adding a concert hall

to that performing arts
building they put up there.

Yeah. Gonna be a huge job,
Georgie, just a huge job.

That sounds huge.

No, it is, George. It's huge.

Anyway, Theo remembered that
you moved to Chatswin, and, uh,

since we were so close,
we decided to look you up.

Oh.

Honestly, I hardly recognized you, George.

You're looking very suburban, bro.

Yoo-hoo! George! Yoo-hoo!

Why don't we head inside and
cr*ck open a cold one, huh?

We're twins today, George!

Twinsies!

Well, I might expect the cold
shoulder from other people,

but I did not see that
coming from my twinsie.



[ Alih Jay ] ♪ last night I
had a pleasant nightmare ♪

x
Friendhsip Fish

Estoy ocupada, Jorge.

Tessa? I... I'm sorry.

I don't speak Spanish. Are you in there?

Hey, Lisa.

Hey there, B.F.F.

Is this a B.T.F.Y.?

Bad time for you?

Uh, no.

I was just enjoying some alone time...

alone.

Great. Since I'm now a
totally independent woman

who doesn't rely on a man
for emotional stability,

I thought I'd fill every
second of my newfound freedom

by spending time with you.

Girl time.

What's with the trunk?

Oh, this is my sleepover trunk.

It has all of my sleepover essentials.

Go ahead. Pop the hood.

Yes. Scrapbooking supplies,

airbrushing supplies,

tie-dying supplies.

What is...

- This?
- Oh, that, my friend,

is what I like to call

the piece de re-fish-tance.

A dead fish?

A dead friendship fish.

Oh, I see. And is that a freshwater...

I caught it for us, Tessa,

in Friendship Lake, while I
was at macrame camp this summer.

Local camp legend says

that if two people partake
in the same friendship fish,

then they'll be friends forever.

What do you mean by "partake"?

Aha! It's your lucky day, gents!

I didn't want to make any
promises I couldn't keep,

but ta-da! Diet grapefruit
spritzers.

Truth is,

just as refreshing as regular spritzers,

zero calories.

Forget it.

No-brainer.

Mmm!

It's lively.

So, George, what have you been
up to since you left the firm?

You know, other than taking
care of your two kids.

Uh, well, a... actually,
it's... it's just the one.

I thought you guys were gonna k*ll me

and that you'd be more
sympathetic if I had two kids.

You know, "I've got two kids!"

Could you sh**t?

I... I couldn't.

Anyway, what have I been up to?

Uh...

Oh. Installed a handful of,
uh, skylights around town.

Installed the hell out of 'em.

In fact... it's kinda
funny... people around here,

uh, started calling me
the skylight king.

That's not funny.

- Hmm?
- I'd kick someone's ass if they called me that.

Yeah. No, I did.

I kicked everybody's asses, then I went off

and did some other nonskylight...

related things. Would you mind?

Okay, I am bugging
out right now, George.

You're like a different person.

Suburban life has really domesticated you.

I mean, it's like he's a real housewife

of Chatswin county.

Don't be silly.

Chatswin's not a county.

Look, there might be some

surface differences between

New York George and Chatswin George,

but down deep inside,

I am the same old guy.

Oh, come on! These are slice and bake,

just like any tough guy
from New York would make.

Whew. Uh, wow.

Speaking of that, man... you know what?

We gotta hit the road.
Yeah, we got that, uh...

Okay. Hey. Come on.

G... guys, all right, you know what?

Screw these scrumptious, flaky,
piping hot pastries.

Let's go
grab some real grub, huh?

Some burgers and gin

and some kind of real edgy dessert.

You know, some kinda chocolate volcano...

just goes straight to
your taste buds and...

While George was trying to
rekindle an old friendship,

my B.F.F. was demanding
my undivided attention.

Are you sure this is fit for consumption?

Fit for consumption?

It's been smoking for the
past month in my closet.

I borrowed my dad's electric smoker.

He bought it from an in-flight magazine.

Um, before we dig in,

maybe we should, um...

work up an appetite first.

Are you thinking what I'm thinking?

I doubt it.

What she was thinking was

two and half hours of arts and crafts

that started with airbrushing t-shirts

and ended with watermelon helmets.

The evening couldn't get any worse.

Okay, now you want to sing
"Friends" by Bette Midler

or "One True Friend" by Bette Midler?

Uh, you know what, Lisa?

- I'm actually feeling kind of...
- tired.

I mean, what time is it?

It's already...

: .

You're low blood sugar,

which means it's time
for the you-know-what.

Ye old fish of friends.

- Doesn't it look delicious?
- Hmm...

Actually, you know what?
You deserve the first bite.

In fact, I'll just feed it to you.

Doorbell!

You know, when I first moved
here, it was hard, I'll admit.

Coming from Manhattan, it was
total culture shock, you know?

I'll bet.

But I've actually met some
pretty genuine people here.

Hey, Georgie boy, what's the skinny?

What is happening-a-ling-a-ding-dong?

What... what's going on? What is this?

Well, we
heard your New York friends were in town,

so we thought we would bada bing
and that we would fuhgeddaboudit!

Do you... do you know these clowns?

Uh, yes. Actually, this
is my neighbor Fred.

Vinnie Boombatz,

but folks around here call me "Cha-Cha"

on account of me being the
best dancer in Chatswin.

Dig?

- Pardon us.
- Mm.

Guys?

What... what has gotten into you two?

Look, we just wanted to show your friends

how cool us Chatswinelenos could be,

and for some reason,
Fred thought that meant

dressing up like a s greaser.

I'll have you know that
Vinnie Boombatz was a hit

at last year's "Grease"
-themed fund-raiser...

For cystic fibrosis.

We just didn't want you to
be embarrassed of us, George.

I'm... I'm sorry.

You did or you didn't
want me to be embarrassed?

Didn't. Didn't. I...

Yikes.

Dude, I know you're counting down the days

until Tessa turns .

I mean, once she leaves,
you ain't got nothing

keeping you here with Vinnie Boombatz.

Ayy!

Well, a... actually, I think...

- I mean, the burgers are okay...
- Mm.

But this place is full of phonies.

Fake nose, fake boobs,

fake tan, fake hair...

No, I know. Tell me about it.

- And all on one chick.
- Yeah.

Oh. That chick.

Oh!

Well, hiya, hunk.

Hi. Mm.

Guys, this is Dallas, my girlfriend.

- Dallas, this is Theo and Cyrus.
- Hi.

- We used to work together.
- Hey.

It's just super, super-duper,

meeting some of George's New York friends.

In fact, this might be a double duper,

which would make it
super-super-duper-duper.

Yeah.

Well, okay, sweetheart,
um, I'm a little worried

they're gonna run out of
the chocolate volcanoes.

- Would you...
- Ooh! Good call.

I'm on it, cuz.

Manhattan... I love it.

Well, she...

is just super, George.

Mm. No. No. Super-duper.

Okay, so you guys are kidding, but she is.

I don't get it.

Are... are you dating
her, like, ironically or...

No. Or... or are you writing some
kind of a long-form humor essay?

Okay, look, you can make
fun of my Crescent rolls

a-and my gardening implements

and even Vinnie Boombatz...

- Ayy!
- But that woman is warm,

and she is kind,

and she will do anything for
the people she cares about.

You guys have been in Chatswin,
what, all of three hours?

And... and you have everyone
here pegged. You know what?

Why don't you just head back
to midtown, where you came from?

Well, good luck with
everything, skylight king.

And, hey, if we need a sellout
to, uh, put in a roof window,

we'll give you a call.

Oh, really? R... a roof window?

Yeah, because
that's all they are.

Boom.

Oh!

Wow!

As far as I am concerned,

nobody exaggerates and distorts the essence

of any person, animal, or object
quite like old Charlie here.

I have to go to the bathroom.

Oh, perfect, because I
actually wanted Charlie

to do a couple of candid sh*ts,

like maybe I could be in the background,

shaving my legs.

No. Lisa, this is something
that I have to do alone.

Uh, hello, Mrs. Shay.

This is...

Fire Inspector...

Charmin.

Well, we have received a report

about a possible safety hazard.

I'm so sorry, Tessa.

I know how much this night meant to you!

Part of me felt bad for ratting out Lisa...

Come here, sexy.

But most of me just wanted

to get back to the main man in my life.

Those guys don't take me seriously.

Oop. Sorry, baby.

I got chocolate sauce on your head.

Let me tell you something.
I went to college with Theo.

I'm twice the architect he is,

and Cyrus is, like, the
least creative dude I know.

Then why don't you just

out-whatever those losers

on whatever it is they're whatever-ing?

What do you mean?

Undercut their bid

on the Scarsdale performing
arts center addition

by presenting something
more cost-effective

but equally striking aesthetically?

Yeah, George. That's what I said.

Tessa.

Hello?

Tessa.

Friendship, Tessa.

I gave my life for it,

and you threw it back!

Aah!

Aah!

At that moment,
I realized two things...

one... my relationship with electronics

was overshadowing my
relationship with Lisa.

And two...
I was reading way too much Poe.

You know, George...

I'm no expert on the subject,
but from where I stand,

you are architecturing the
hell out of those designs.

Oh. Just triple the
number of ladies' rooms,

and you've got yourself a winner.

The next morning, I decided to take
the fish's advice...

And make things right with Lisa.

I'm not home.

Hey.

What is with the outfit?

Got sentenced to roadside
cleanup after my mom found out

about the unlicensed smoker in my closet.

About that...

I'm sorry.

Oh, it's not your fault.

If Fire Inspector Charmin hadn't
been so damn good at his job...

No, that's me. I'm Fire Inspector Charmin.

I'm the one who ratted you out.

I'm so sorry, Lisa.

I just didn't want to sing
any more Bette Midler songs.

What?

I don't understand.

The divine Miss M. Has

cornered the market on
songs about friendship.

Ask anybody who's ever had a friend.

Look, Lisa,

ever since you and Malik hooked up,

you and I have been spending
a lot less time together,

and I'm not mad.

I'm not mad,

but I adapted.

I started my own relationship.

You got a lot of nerve showing
up here with that e-reader.

It's a tablet, Lisa.

A really versatile tablet,

with a full-sized U.S.B. port

and an integrated kickstand,

and a really sizable hard drive.

I get it.

I mean, it was there for you when I wasn't,

and unlike me, it doesn't just show up

when its boyfriend is out of town.

I'm really happy for you guys.

You look really cute together.

So if you'll excuse me,

I have to go pick up tampon
applicators in the park.

Lisa, wait.

There is one thing this tablet can't do.

Pick up tampon applicators in the park?

Okay, two things.

It can't eat friendship
fish with its best friend.

Well, not this generation, anyway.

Friends forever.

Friends forever.

Wow. That is smoky.

Mmm! That is super smoky.

Mm-hmm.

But not bad.

You can taste the friendship.

Let's go! Let's go!

What did this to you?
What... what did you ingest?

Friendship.

Tessa, I'm so sorry.

Apparently, you're only supposed
to smoke fish for four hours,

not four weeks.

It was an innocent mistake, Lisa.

Why didn't you get sick?

Oh, we Shays have iron stomachs.

It's our bodies' way of compensating

for our diminished sense of taste.

We still can't get a hold of your dad,

and unfortunately, we
won't be able to release you

until a family member
signs your discharge papers.

You're sure there's no
one else we can call?

And finally, a columned subsidiary space

alongside the body of the main building

would lead from the atrium...

to the concert hall.

Well done, Mr. Altman.

You've really opened up the space

with your use of skylights.

And I, for one, appreciate
the abundance of ladies' rooms.

Oh, thank you. That... that happens to be

my beautiful associate's idea.

Along with the bedazzled borders.

It's amazing how some glue
and a few crappy plastic beads

can really class up any project.

- Oh, it's true. It's true.
- Mm.

Oh, sh**t.

Tessa? Hey.

I'm sorry. Are you okay?
I didn't get your messages.

Are you okay? What happened? Are you okay?

For the love of God, would
you tell me if you're okay?

I'm okay, George.

Okay.

I just had a mild deadly
case of food poisoning.

Ohh.

I don't believe this. I'm so
sorry I wasn't there for you.

How'd you get home? Sheila?

Well, actually, they wouldn't release me

without a family member's consent, so...

Helen.

Yes, George.

Oh, happy to help out.

When the
hospital couldn't reach you,

Tessa got a little frantic,

and so she called her grandmother.

Well, that's great.

So... thanks.

You don't have to do that.
I got it from here, Helen.

Oh, you might as well get used
to me being around again, George,

because this time, I'm not going anywhere.

Great.

When you're in danger of
losing someone you care about,

often, you'll do anything
to re-establish a connection.

For Malik, that meant sculpting
a bust of Lisa's head...

One for every day they weren't together.

[Lionel Richie] ♪ I've been alone with you

♪ inside my mind

♪ and in my dreams,
I've kissed your lips ♪

♪ a thousand times

♪ hello

♪ is it me you're looking for?

For George, it meant focusing less on work

and... more on breakfast.

Good-bye.

So you got the bid.

- Nope.
- Oh.

Sorry.

Ah, it's fine. Considering
how little time I had,

I think I did a pretty great job.

It just felt good, you know,

to get the creative juices flowing again.

And more importantly, Theo
and Cyrus didn't get it either,

so their failure is victory enough for me.

- That's the spirit.
- Mm-hmm.

Honestly, though, Tess,

I'm not the same person I was.

There was a time when I was...

completely driven professionally.

But now I guess I have other priorities.

Besides, if I was out competing
for every job on the market,

I wouldn't have time to make you my famous

sizzling chorizo scrambler.

Seriously, you want?

Fish frittata?

You're mean.

What? Hair of the dog... that's a thing.

Oh, fried gizzard sandwich?

Ugh!

Egg drop soup, extra droppings.

Yeah? One of those.