02x07 - Krampus

Episode transcripts for the TV show "Suburgatory". Aired: September 28, 2011 –; May 14, 2014.*
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Series follows George, a single father who decides to move from NYC to the suburbs so he can give his teenage daughter a better life.
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02x07 - Krampus

Post by bunniefuu »

In suburbia,

the minute Thanksgiving is over,

they're already fiending for Christmas.

Oh, Tessa!

Any interest in going caroling tonight?

It's November.

And by the time the first
frost had coated the larch,


even the sanest of Chatswinians
were prematurely gifting.


Uh-oh.

Looks like
somebody's stocking was hung,

over the chimney...
with care.

Dad, it's not Christmas.

It's almost Christmas.

Besides, there might
be something in there

that you have to open right away.

What?

George, what is this?

It's your itinerary.

I know you want to spend
time in Manhattan,

and I know you want to
get to know your mom.

So I got the two of you a
package... hotel, spa services.

You guys can go to the
museum, see the tree,

just spend Christmas in the city,

hanging out together.

But what about you?

What about me? I'll...
I'll roll with yakult.

Did I nail it?

You nailed it.

While my definition of
family was suddenly expanding,


Ryan Shay's was about to
be blown to smithereens.


Family photo came out real sweet.

Everyone's looking real sweet.

- Oh, wow, look.
- Yeah.

And I just wanna say,

well, I...
I just think it's so darn cool

that, you know, you're as
close to them as you are.

I had to be close, or I
wouldn't fit in the picture.

Just love your whole attitude.

I love that you don't act like you're...

you know.

Better-looking than everyone else?

No, silly. Like one of us.

h*m*?

No.

I'm adopted, too, you know.

I'm not adopted.

Yes, you are.

And I just think it's great
how you embraced your family.

I never did. I always hated
those big, ugly strangers.

I'm adopted?

Yeah.

Like, adopted adopted?

Mm-hmm.

- Like, adopted?
- That's right.

This...

Bless your adopted heart.

I'm adopted.

- I'm adopted. Adopted?
- Yeah.

Adopted? Adopted, I'm adopted?

Mm-hmm.

I'm adopted? I'm adopted?!

Adopted? Adopted?

I'm adopted, huh? I'm adopted?!

I'm adopted?! Huh?!

I think he knows he's adopted.

You think, Fred?!

- Aah! Ryan!
- I'm adopted?!

Ryan, no! Ryan, no! Huh?!

Ryan... Son, we love you!

- Ryan? Ryan?
- I always loved you!

Ryan?! Ryan?!

- Aah! Liar!
- We'll talk about this...

- Lying letterman liar!
- I don't understand.

Aah! Somebody told him?

- Lying... long-sleeved shirt!

- What are you doing?
- He's transforming!

- Lying... Lisa!
- Honey, you're gonna catch cold.

- Lying Lisa! Lying Lisa the liar!
- I'm sorry! I'm so sorry!

You liar! You liar! Liar! I'm so sorry!

- I love you.
- We love you, son!

- He just needs time to cool off!
- He's trying to gut us!

Drive the car, Fred! Please! Just go!

- Okay! Okay! Okay!
- Just drive the car!

Hey! Yeah, drive off,
you fake, lying liars!

If my family's not really my family,

and I'm not really a Shay,

then what's real?!

Is this real?!

Ooh!

Ow! That seems real!

Is this real?

Ow! Oh!

That seems really real, too!

Maybe this garbage

isn't really garbage!

Aah!

No, it is!

I guess I'm the only
thing that isn't real!

I'm unreal!

Aah!


[Alih Jay] ♪ last night I
had a pleasant nightmare ♪

[font color="#cd "] x
Krampus[/font]

What's wrong, skank?
Why is your list blank?

I thought you wanted rims.

I did. But ever since my nanny left,

rims don't seem important anymore.

But they are important.

They make your ride hella fresh

and let all the fools know how you roll.

But they don't mean as
much to me as Carmen does.

Well, maybe you could ask
Santa for a housekeeper.

Or is that racial?

You know what? I don't care if
it is racial.


Christmas morning, I want to wake up

and see Carmen under my tree
with a big red bow on her head.

Santa is a really cool person,

and he has a lot of
really great connections.

But somehow, I just...

I don't think that he's gonna
be able to bring Carmen back.

Then screw Santa.

I'll get Carmen back on my own.

I'll do like yeezy did keezy.

I'll write a song about Carmen,
then I'll sh**t a music video,

then I'll put it on YouTube,
then I'll hire a publicist,

then I'll make it go viral,
then I'll send Carmen a link,

then I'll make all the
comments say things like,

"wow, that girl really loves Carmen."

And "wow, Carmen should really go back

to that girl who loves her."

That might actually work.

Ay, que muchachito!

Ay, mi guapo!

What did he say?

He said... "I love you, mommy.

I am so glad you're back
from your book tour."

No, I think we should
consider a speech therapist.

I'm finding it very
difficult to understand him.

She can't understand him
because he's an infant.

An infant with a thick Mexican accent.

Maybe she should stay home
and raise him herself...

in English.

I beg your pardon.

Have you ever written a body of work

that you were exceptionally proud of?

Darling, Carmen has a
very important job.

She is caring for our baby.

Why do you defend her when
she so clearly judges me?

Admit it, Carmen, you judge me.

I do, because you care
more about your books

than your son.

Carmen, don't you see?

I want the baby to
love me as a mommy,

but I need him to respect
me as an author.

I saw that. Was that a look?

It's gonna be a long Christmas, guapo.

Ryan's adopted?

He wasn't supposed to know!

Ryan never would have
found out he was adopted

if that photographer hadn't kept shoving

his powdered balls in my face!

Care for another rum ball, Lisa?

They do dull the pain.

Did you ever notice how Ryan...

well... he lights himself.

It's like he has his own inner light.

Well, that's 'cause
Ryan isn't really a Shay.

You don't Shay?

And now it's almost Christmas.

I don't think he's coming home.

You don't happen to have
any rum balls, do you?

I've got the shakes.

I offered to cancel my trip to New York.

But Lisa said there was no reason

for both of our families to suffer.

First Thanksgiving, now Christmas.

You hate spending the holidays with me.

Mm. You gonna cry, little baby?

You know what?

Wait until you get old and...
feel stuff.

Okay.

Here she is. Here's your mom.

This was super cool of you, dad.

Well, I'm a super cool dad. Excuse me.

Hug, perhaps?

Sorry.

Thanks.

Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas.

Oh! I forgot.

Oh, really?

Thank you. I promise not to open this...

It's a pen.

George. Hey.

Listen, um, I just wanna say thanks.

I know this can't be easy,

and I'm sure part of you
just wants to rip my face off

and stuff it down a garbage disposal

and scream, "stay away from
us, you human wart!"

But, you know, it really
doesn't show, which is great.

Which means you're probably
exercising tons of self control,

or you're making room for me.

Either, way, I... I just
wanted to say that...

I'm grateful.

Well, merry Christmas, Alex.

Well, merry Christmas,
George.

Hey, George...

you can see your breath.

And drive... drive safely, please.

I will. I will.

Damn it, Alex, drive safely.

♪ I washed my silk shirt
silk shirt

♪ that hurt
that hurt

♪ The tag said to dry clean it

♪ but without you, I didn't read it ♪

Read it

♪ all of the sheets on my bed
♪ are stained red ♪

Stained red

♪ 'cause I went to
sleep with lipstick ♪

♪ and you weren't there to fix it ♪

♪ You clean the house
so spick-and-span ♪

♪ You cleaned everything
a cleaning lady can ♪

♪ But I won't throw out
your plastic cart ♪

♪ 'Cause you missed a spot

♪ In my heart, heart,
heart, heart, heart ♪

♪ heart, heart, heart, heart, heart ♪

♪ heart, heart, heart,
heart, heart, heart ♪

♪ In my heart, heart,
heart, heart, heart ♪

♪ heart, heart, heart, heart, heart ♪

♪ heart, heart, heart,
heart, heart, heart ♪

♪ Wan'er, to the bridge

♪ Carmen straight up blind

♪ she cannot see

♪ that spoiled white girl
thinks you the bee's knees ♪

♪ The first-class cabin
holds me last in their heart ♪

♪ Wouldn't look my way if
I didn't push a drink cart ♪

Hot tea with larmon?

No, I want Carmen.

♪ Heart, heart, heart, heart

♪ in my heart

♪ Carmen. Carmen. Carmen. Carmen.

♪ Heart, heart, heart,
heart, heart, heart ♪

♪ In my heart

♪ Carmen. Carmen. Carmen.

♪ Carmen.

You mean y'all learned all
that complicated choreography

just to try to win Carmen back?

Yes, mommy.

She's all I want for Christmas.

George, we have to.

It's the only thing on Dalia's list.

I... I know this isn't
what you wanna hear,

but... she's gone, okay?

Carmen has made up her mind.

But people change their minds sometimes,

don't they, daddy Altman?

Christmas is such a crock anyway.

I mean, if you think about it,

it's entirely about consumerism.

And they pressure people
who don't have the money

to spend the money, which is exactly why

December has the highest su1c1de rate.

Sorry. I was... on a rant.

No, no. It's just you sound like me,

or I guess I... I sound like you.

I just never realized how I sounded.

Oh.

The holidays are a great excuse

to bring people together, right?

Yeah. Totally.

I mean, Tessa, this is the best present

I ever could have hoped for,

if I advocated exchanging presents,

which I don't, but...

I want to give you something

that I did not get at
a department store.

It's a hug.

Can I give you a hug? Can I... hug you?

Sure.

Okay.

Great. Um...

- Oh. Guess I... gotta get over there.
- Maybe it's easier.

Ooh.

How's the pressure?

It's fine.

Hey, ma, it sure is nice

having you and Alice
here for the holidays.

- Oh, it is, honey.
- Yeah.

It's nice, isn't it, Malik?

Malik, your mother's
talking to you.

He's been this way
ever since he broke up

with his little girlfriend.

Malik has a girlfriend?

Had.




Oh! So now you can hear us.

Look at that!

There's a white child

running down the side of the road.

He isn't wearing a shirt. He'll freeze.

I don't like the look of him.

- He looks wild.
- Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

Ho... hold on. Stop... stop the car.

- I... I know him.
- You sure?

Malik. Malik. Malik. Malik,
where you going?

Malik?

Ryan?

Huh?

'Sup, buddy?
What's... what's up, man?

Y... you... you okay?

Come here. Look what I got here.

Look, look.

Yeah. Yeah. See that?
That's for you.

It's a lemon Starburst.

Good boy.

Come on. Come on.

Pop the trunk!

You're safe now, okay?

Good boy.

We're almost home.
You're safe now, okay?

Did you just put a
human being in our trunk?

One popular misconception

is that the shiraz grape
originated in southwestern Iran.

Carmen, please starch
the baby's Christmas gown.

Yes, master.

Did you hear that?
She called me "master."

Sarcastically.

Noah, I suggest you
tell Carmen to watch it.

How dare you thr*aten me!

Tell her not to thr*aten me.

Yeah, Jill, don't thr*aten Carmen.

Don't take her side.

Yes, master.

Hi. That was... I was kidding.

I was trying to lighten the mood.

Master.

And in Germany, they have
this creature called Krampus,

and he's like this big, hairy monster

that comes and carries away
all the bad kids in his sack.

He's like Santa, except evil.

And what's Krampus do with
these children he collects?

I think he eats them.

Seems like it would just be easier

to eat them in the original location.

Why does he have to
carry them away in a sack?

I don't know.

I guess it's just his thing, you know?

It's the perfect red, right?

You know, every girl
needs a great red lipstick.

Here. You take it.

I'm not really a red lipstick girl.

Let me try.

Here.

Wow.

Tessa, you look great.

My God, you look so grown up.

Now that you're practically an adult,

I was kind of hoping
that maybe we could...

Um...

I don't know. I just...

have you ever been to Europe?

I mean, are you interested
in traveling at all?

Yeah.

Good.

I suppose the whole thing
was very sophisticated.


I mean, there I was, wearing
the perfect red lipstick,


sitting in a hotel lobby

listening to stories about Berlin.

But the truth is,

I had never felt more like a kid.

I wanted my house

and my tree

and my Christmas stocking...

and my dad.

I wanted to be home with my dad.

Look, Ryan...

Don't call me that name.

I'm not Ryan.

I'm the opposite of Ryan, which is...

Eugene.

O... okay, Eugene.

Look, just because you're adopted

doesn't make you any less of a Shay.

Don't every say that last name again!

I'm not a Shay!

I'm the opposite of a Shay...

which is...

Goldfarb.

I'm Eugene Goldfarb!

Okay. Okay.

I'm Eugene Goldfarb.

I'll see you in the morning.

Eugene can stay as long as he likes,

but somebody's gotta call his parents.

♪ in my heart

♪ heart, heart, heart, heart

♪ heart, heart, heart, heart, heart ♪

"Home for the holidays"

is more than just some
marketing catchphrase.


For some, it's an irrepressible,

almost primal urge.

For others, it's a
reminder of where home is.


Berlin would have to
wait. I was heading home,


to Chatswin.

And if anyone should
understand, it should be Alex.


Dalia, do you like your gloves?

I got 'em from Italy.
They're made of kidskin.

Thanks, mommy.

These kids must have been really cute.

It's just sad, 'cause
none of these boxes

are big enough to be Carmen.

Unless you chopped her up

and put her into separate little boxes.

No, Dalia, sadly,

I was unable to chop up
Carmen for the holidays.

Dalia, there's a big present over there

you haven't opened yet.

Is it rims?

Uh, it looks a little bit to be rims.

No, rims are really big.

Oh, well, either way,

why don't you go ahead and open it?

It's probably just rims.

It's not rims.

Aah! Aah!

I'm back, b*tches!

Carmen! Carmen!

Aah! It's Carmen! Oh, my God!

Oh, my God, it's Carmen!

Oh, my God! Here.

Oh!

Aah! Oh, George.

- Oh, my God!
- Watch your step.

I'm gonna go play with
Carmen in my room.

She'll clean this mess up tomorrow.

Come on, Carmen.

It's Carmen!
You got Carmen back!

You got Carmen back!
George, oh, my gosh!

- Merry Christmas, Dallas.
- George.

It felt good to
be back in Chatswin.


Tessa! Tessa! - But before I
could race through my own front door,


I had to help Lisa scratch
something off her list.


It's Christmas morning. Ryan's not home.

He's at Malik's, and I...

I need you to talk to him,

because he'll listen to you,

because he... he...

he's crazy about you.

He always has been.

Well, uh, what do you
want me to tell him?

Just tell him that I love him.

Ryan or... Malik?

All right.

You know which one I'm talking about.

I'm talking about the
white one. Okay?

Okay. You know where you're going?

Okay. Just... I just...
Thank you so much, sir.

Thank you.

Look, if there's anyone

who understands what you're
going through, it's me.

Your biological mom is out there,

but your parents are the
people that raised you.

[ ♪ Delicate ♪
by Damien Rice ]

Here.

I made these business
cards on Malik's printer.

Ryan, stop it.

You're not "Eugene Goldfarb."

You're Ryan Shay,

the only son of Fred and Sheila.

We live across the
street from each other.

You have a huge crush on me.

♪ We are alone

And right now

standing on this picturesque
suburban street...

I'm starting to think...

I may have one on you, too.

♪ We might make out

♪ when nobody's there

♪ it's not that we're scared

♪ it's just that it's delicate ♪

Whoa.

She used tongue!

She used tongue!

♪ Borrowed

That was the only thing
on my Christmas list.

Come on.

Let's go home.

Okay.

Hey! Where are you going?

You have my card!

You know where to find me!

Ryan was still deciding where home was.

But for me,

that was a question I already answered.

[ ♪ Home ♪
by Phillip Phillips ]

♪ Hold on to me as we go

♪ as we roll down

♪ this unfamiliar road

Tessa. Merry Christmas.

I wasn't expecting you
till the day after tomorrow.

Wait. What are you doing here?

Is everything okay?

Yeah, dad, everything's great.

♪ Just know you're not alone

♪ 'cause I'm gonna make
this place your home ♪
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