02x08 - Black Thai

[bunniefuu]

Ryan Shay hadn't
taken the news well.

Since learning of his adoption,

he'd moved into Lisa's
ex-boyfriend Malik's house.

There was nothing left to do but pray.

Okay, Lord,

let's try this again.

We are thankful for the
food we are about to receive.

- Very thankful.
- But we need more, Lord.

We need Ryan to forgive us for
keeping his adoption secret.

We need him to forgive
us, and to come home.

And until then,

if you saw fit to send us something other than
venison, it would be very much appreciated.

- It's pretty heavy, Lord.
- Every night,

venison. Every night until he
comes home. Do you hear me?

- No complaints here. His favorite
is my favorite. - I have gout.

Even with the medication, they're
saying I could lose a toe.

- A toe?! I lost a son!
- Settle, Sheila! Settle!

Settle down. Here's your tincture.

- What?
- It is a soothing combination

of camomile, lemon balm
and grain alcohol.

- Little more, okay?
- Okay.

A little more, Fred.

Sh-Sh-Sheila.

I don't know why I'm so
nervous. I aced the S.A.T.s.

verbal.

Dalia's real gifted
when it comes to testing.

I never sweat it, 'cause homegirl's
always off the charts.

Did you know when she was born,
she was in the th percentile

for length.

Wow. Length. That is
the hardest one to nail.

Ah ah!

Is that a I'm-glad-it's-over smile, or an
I'm-glad-it's-over-and-I-nailed-it smile?

- I feel pretty good about it.
- Yes you do!

Give it! Come here.
That's my girl. Mwah.

Mommy, did you get my text?

- Yes, did you see my reply?
- Wait... you... you...

- you texted her during the test?
- It's okay, Daddy Altman.

I coloured in all the bubbles
really fast, so I was bored.

- You finished early?
- I have a strategy.

- What strategy?
- Finishing early.

Tessa, let's celebrate. Ice cream.

Any carton in the store. You pick.
We'll make cones at home. You want to?

Mommy, what are we
gonna do to celebrate me?

Um, how about we put a
new S.A.T. sound system

in your new P.S.A.T. car?

She got a P.S.A.T. car?

She's kidding.

- I'm not kidding.
- You're not kidding?

How well might Dalia
have done on the P.S.A.Ts

to warrant a brand-new car?

Real well. How well?

Like top percentile? Top ?

I'm proud to say Dalia was
definitely in a percentile.

The average S.I. score is .

Did Dalia do better or
worse than average?

Tessa, maybe you should
just focus on your own score.

On the P.S.A.Ts? .

That's in the top ten percentile,
and that's very good.

I got a card.

Mommy, I want to go home.

What about the sound system?

I'm not in the mood for sound anymore.

That look meant someone was
gonna be making an apology,

and that someone was me.



[Alih Jay] ♪ Last night I
had a pleasant nightmare ♪

[font color="#cd "] x
Black Thai[/font]

Desperate times call
for desperate measures...

Howdy.

And the Shays were
desperate to get Ryan back.

You talking to me?

I don't see anybody
else around here, cowboy.

Really? Because you hung up on me

every time I tried to
call you since our breakup.

And a woman's allowed to
change her mind, isn't she?

Because I have.

In fact, that's why I'm here.

I wanted to talk about
us getting back together.

- Really?
- Really.

Don't fight.
Keep that on.

Hold his hand. I got it.

Get in! Come on!

Oh!

Wait!

Meanwhile, the Werners'
baby had been rejected

from his first-picked preschool,

so they decided to
consult a specialist.

We heard you're the best,
that you've helped others.

It's true. I tutor talented toddlers,

and every one of them
goes on to be accepted

into a highly competitive
day care program.

- So you'll help us?
- I've gotta be frank with you.

Opus is getting a late start.

He has zero community service,
no political affiliations,

he's socially unaware.

He doesn't even wear
special cause bracelets.

Oh, that's our fault.
We were led to believe

that the special cause
bracelet trend was over.

It's never over.

Don't punish the boy
for his parents' sins.

You're his only hope.

Well, then he's hopeless, I'm afraid.

You see, I'm not taking on
any new clients at this time.

You don't get it.

Jill, show him. There's
a picture. Show him.

That won't be necessary.
I'm sure that he's as...

Oh, the face.

Look at that little face-y face face.

Okay.

I will do it...

Oh!

On one condition...

you must not interfere in any way.

My methods will seem unconventional

because they are unconventional.

I need you to understand
that the odds are to .

A single misstep and instead
of going to Price-Cheney-Pitkin,

Opus could end up working the pole

on "Toddlers & Tiaras."

We'll take those odds, any day.

Hello? Is anyone there?

Look, I might have
to use the bathroom.

Sooner rather than later,

We're going to
give you an afterschool snack,

but don't try to run away
and don't take our masks off.

We own you, bitch.

Okay. Okay. I won't give you
any trouble. I understand.

Here. Eat this.

Mmm. So good.

I can tell Mrs. Shay's
chicken salad anywhere.

Oh, thanks, Malik.

I added some ranch for zip.

Darn it, Sheila!

Thanks to your signature chicken
salad, he knows who we are.

Plus Lisa wasn't wearing a mask
when she lured me into the van.

You know, that's pretty cold,
Lisa, pretending you want

- to get back together just so you could...
- We need you to call your parents.

You tell them that we
are holding you hostage

and we will exchange
you for our son Ryan.

If they need proof of life, we
will happily cut off a digit.

Tell them no tricks, or
we won't give you back.

And try to sound terrified.

H... hi, dad. Yeah, I'm at the Shays'.

Uh, h... hold on.

They want to know if
I'm staying for dinner.

Come on!
This is a hostage situation, son!

I... think they want me
to stay for dinner, yes.

Okay. Hold on.
My dad wants to talk to you.

Eh. Tell... tell him I stepped out.

Take the call, Fred.
Take the call!

Okay.

Fred Shay speaking.

Uh-huh.

Tonight?

I see.

Well, you should know
I won't be alone.

That's good.
That's good. That's good.

Then we understand each other.

Very well.

Bye then.

Hmm. Great guy.

What did he say?
Will he give us back Ryan?

They want us to come to them.

- Mnh-mnh. Smells like a trap.
- We should leave Malik home

and use him as a bargaining chip.

No, his instructions were very clear.

We're to drop off Malik tonight
for the hostage exchange.

Well, technically, he said dinner.

Thai food.

Oh.

Dalia, Tessa's here.

I don't want to see Tessa Altman.

She made me feel bad
about my P.S.A.T. car.

I know. And maybe Tessa
was a teeny, tiny bit smug,

which is so unusual for her.

But I think that's why
she's here... to apologize.

Apology not accepted.

Listen here, Dalia.

Tessa may score better on
tests and get better grades

and have opportunities to get
into colleges based on merit,

but there are lots of
things you're great at, too.

Like what, mommy?

Well, tons and tons of stuff.

Name one thing, mommy.

Name one thing I'm better
at than Tessa Altman.

Well...

I'm sure Tessa Altman is not as
dope as you on the dance floor.

Send her in.

Altmans!

Yeah?

Right. So I just wanted to apologize

for repeatedly asking
you about your score,

and I'm sure

whatever your score was,

it completely merited a
new, extremely expensive car.

Wasn't that nice, Dalia?

Tessa apologized by making an apology.

Yeah.

And I know it's important

to mommy and daddy
Altman that we get along,

so I'd like you to invite you

to a hip-hop dance class I'm taking.

No, thanks.

Oh. Oh. Tessa.

- Tessa.
- What?

Dalia is trying.

Are you serious?

Look, I'm trying, Dallas is trying,

and now even Dalia is trying.

That only leaves one
person who is not trying,

and I believe you know
who I'm referring to.

I do. The girl who scored
in the top ten percentile

and got a card.

With a "D" at the end of it.

Card.

Huh. Brick.

I did not expect that.

Okay, before anyone rings the bell,

- we need to go over a few scenarios.
- Scenarios? What scenarios?

Is this something we should've
talked about in the car

- instead of playing "I spy"?
- Okay, let's just say

there're gonna be a lot of
moving parts here tonight.

We need to keep our cool if we
want to bring home the bacon.

Mm.

Did you do your homework?

Not yet. I was kidnapped.

- Get in here.
- Yes, dad.

Hi. Please come in.

Eugene has told us so much about you.

Have we got the wrong house?

Your son Ryan changed
his name to Eugene.

He doesn't want to be
known as a Shay anymore.

I'm going down.

Sheila?

Welcome back, Sheila.

- You feeling better?
- Oh.

You gave us a quite a scare. She did.

Would you like some water?

Ryan. Hand over Ryan,

in whatever condition he's in...

Battered, broken, brainwashed!

Eugene is otherwise
occupied right now.

He'll be down in due time.

We're willing to pay.

Fred has $ , in cash
taped to his stomach.

I don't care if he
has jillion jillions!

There's no way I'm going home

with a fake bunch of faking fakers!

Ryan, it's us,

your parents.
We love you and we miss you.

Lisa wore a dress.

My name's Eugene now.

Eugene Goldfarb.

I'm no longer a Shay.

I'm getting emancipated.

Oh, you don't happen
to have a crash mat?

- Mnh-mnh.
- Emancipation?

He can't just make that kind
of proclamation, can he, Fred?

I don't know.

Eugene wants to be an
emancipated minor, Sheila.

He feels very strongly about
it, and since I'm a lawyer,

I started to help him
with the paperwork.

Lawyers, Fred. Lawyers.
Lawyers. They're lawyers.

This is one of those
scenarios I was referring to.

You realize if the judge
rules in your son's favor,

you'll both have to surrender
your parental rights?

Surrender? Sheila?

- No.
- I'm suing you for freedom.

You hear me?
I am suing you to be free!

Well, should we eat?

- Yeah. Might as well.
- Sure. Yeah. Sounds good.

Okay, Opus.

I don't want you to feel
like I'm judging you,

but for the next minutes,

I'm going to be judging you harshly.

Grab and release.

Grab...

and release.

Now you try.

Here. Your turn.

A toi.

It's like you're doing the
first part of a push-up,

and then you push yourself over.

While Opus was being put

through the rigors of more testing...

Stacking of the cups.

I'll give you a zero on that.

I found myself having to jump
through a few hoops of my own.

♪ And lock, do the
snip, do the snake ♪

♪ oh, what's this?
A new fish in the pond ♪

♪ What's this ♪

- What is going on?
- I'm not sure.

Hey, Dalia.

Hey.

Yo. You got beef?

No.

Tessa and I got mad beef.

She tried to diss and
dismiss my intellect.

What intellect?

Ooh! Ooh!

There's only one way to settle a beef

in beginner's hip-hop, y'all.

You know what time it is!

Dance-off!
Dance-off! Dance-off!

Dance-off! Dance-off!

Dance-off! Dance-off!

Is there deer meat in this?

No, it's...
it's vegetarian, Lisa.

Thank you, lord.

- So, uh, roses and thorns, shall we?
- Mm-hmm.

Let's talk about our
roses and our thorns.

Yeah. It's what the Obamas do.

Oh, boy.

Fred.

Well...

my rose was this fantastic
crunchy spring roll.

And my thorn was the
sprinklers going off on my car

this morning right
after I'd had a hand-wax.

Oh, hell, no. I hate that.

- I know, right?
- High-five it.

All right.

Eugene.

Let's see.

My rose is hitting a home run
at baseball practice today.

Hey, way to go, son!

I'm not your son.

And my Thorn was finding out

my entire life...

was... a... lie!

Oh!

Ouch.

That's a... a deep thorn.

But it didn't happen today.

Edmond?

- I'll allow it.
- Damn it.

Why didn't you tell me I was adopted?

We wanted to. We really did.

At first you were too
young to understand.

It took him three years
to learn English.

Then when he finally did learn,
the timing was never right.

How could you not have told me?

I was like a brother to you.

Ryan, Ryan, take it easy, man.

We didn't want to lose you.

Well, you lost me.
You lost me big-time!

Oh. What if I were to
leave your mother?

- Would you come home then?
- Fred Shay!

What? It's just a thought.

It was kind of pathetic,

but when people feel
backed into a corner,

they tend to do pathetic things.

Case in point... this dance-off.

Go, Dalia!

♪ It's your birthday,
it's your birthday ♪

It's her birthday? Why are
you saying it's her birthday?

It's not her birthday.

[ ♪ The Motto ♪
by Drake plays ]

Ooh!
- Come on.

♪ How you feel? How you
feel? How you feel? ♪

♪ sitting on mil, uh ♪

♪ I'm in the building ♪

I know whose birthday it isn't.

♪ Mac Dre, I'm-a do it... ♪

Hey. That's not fair.

She gets a crew? Why does
only one of 'em get a crew?

That's gotta be against
dance-off rules or something.

Go, Dalia! Finish her!

What kind of a parent...

George, don't "what
kind of a parent" me.

You let Tessa act any
old way she pleases.

Well, at least I didn't buy her a car

for substandard test results.

I bought that car to
make my daughter happy.

It's not my fault you're cheap.

♪ 'Cause the pimpin' ice cold ♪

♪ all these... want to chill ♪

♪ I mean, maybe she
won't, then again... ♪

Come on, Tess! Turn it
up! Show 'em what you got!

You represent, girl!

♪ You already know, though ♪

♪ you only live once ♪

Oh!

Money-making Manhattan in the house!

♪ Sittin' on a bench,
but we don't really play ♪

♪ everyday, everyday,
what anybody say ♪

♪ can't see 'em 'cause
the money in the way ♪

Oh! Someone checked a
book out the library!

♪ One time ♪

And Tessa didn't have a bunch

- of expensive dance lessons.
- No kidding.

Is she hip-hop home-schooled?

Like those ice cream cones of yours...

what'd you, save, a nickel on those?

You did not just go there.

Oh, yes, I did, daddy.

Well, you know what?

Some people don't need to
throw money at it, mama.

Some people are born with what
it takes.

What, what!

You did not just gangsta
me, George Altman.

I think I did, Dallas.

♪ And mister ed, yeah ♪

I think I did.

You know who you remind me of?

Judge Reinhold...

without the Reinhold.

Oh, yeah, well, Judge Reinhold you.

I said...

without the Reinhold.

Yo, checkers. Toss me that cap.

I judge you to be a
desperate enabler, Dallas!

An enabler!

O.M.G.

We ruined their relationship.

Yeah.

♪ Oh... my... God,
Becky, look at her butt ♪

Where did George get that cardboard?

There you go, darling.

I hope you guys like pudding,

'cause we have plenty of
it, and it's all chocolate.

Chocolate pudding, Eugene.

Your favorite.

I love pudding.

I know you do.

Are you absolutely sure that you
don't want to go home with us?

Sure, I'm sure. I'm super sure.

Let's go, Shays.

It's over.

Let him make a fort with his
cereal boxes at breakfast.

He likes that.

We should do this again sometime.

Sometimes seeing your
parents act like children

makes you realize
it's time to grow up.

Mommy, stop. You're scaring me.

Well, he started it.

- What? She did.
- No.

We started it, and now
we're gonna finish it.

Guys, our beef is squashed.

We squashed it.

The beef was squashed.

The dance-off never fails.

Class dismissed!

- It's over, George.
- It's over, mommy.

And I'm gonna need you to
apologize to Dallas now,

because I'm trying,
and Dalia is trying,

and the only person
who isn't trying is you.

And Dallas. Look at her.
She's not trying.

She's...
she's just recharging her robot.

I sound like a crazy person.

Yeah?

Yeah. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
I think I...

I think I got carried away.

I shouldn't have gangsta'd you.

That's a... an aggressive move

best reserved for an
"electric boogaloo" reboot.

I apologize, too, George.

I am one of the unlucky few

whose ugly side comes
out on the dance floor.

No. No, it's true. I get real mouthy.

You do.

You know what?
Our girls are gonna fight.

That doesn't mean we have to.

I know you probably don't agree
with everything I do with Dalia,

and I wouldn't let Tessa
wear half the clothes

you allow her to run around town in,

but I know you're a good dad.

And no one has a bigger
heart than you, Dallas,

even if your robot needs a little oil.

Oh, yeah? You gonna
oil my robot, daddy?

Not in front of the kids.

I'm sorry, but there's
no easy way to say this.

Opus has the brain development
of a -month-old child.

Are you absolutely sure?

I'm afraid so.

- Price-Cheney-Pitkin?
- Is out, of course.

I could suggest a facility
that could house the boy...

someplace with experience

dealing with the special needs
of the blindingly average.

No. We couldn't do that.

I'm not sure how we'll tell him.

Sadly, I doubt he'll even understand.

I don't care that he's not a genius.

He's a beautiful boy, and we love him.

Oh.

Do you see that?

He spelled out D-D-S.

He understands that his father has

a doctor of dental surgery degree,

not a D.M.D., a mistake
that many people make.

He probably just grabbed
the blocks at random.

- You're random!
- Oh, lashing out.

Opus?

Can you spell out mommy's career?

Author.

Find an "A."

That's right. Yes, right there.

Or an "S." Self-published author.

Oh.

Did you eat enough dinner?

I don't love vegetables.

Seemed like you didn't really
love dessert tonight, either.

Yeah. Usually my favorite
part about dinner is dessert,

and my favorite dessert is pudding,

and my favorite pudding
flavor is chocolate,

but my absolute favorite part
of chocolate pudding is the skin,

and tonight's pudding was skinless.

But don't tell our mom. I
don't want to hurt her feelings.

It won't.

I love pudding skin so much,

my old mom used to make
it for me all the time.

My old father and sister would
usually give me their skin, too.

Because they love you.

Yeah.

I'll just ask my new black mom

to make pudding with
skin on it from now on.

Yeah, see, that's not gonna happen.

My parents make what they like,
and they like skinless pudding.

Huh.

Andie MacDowell, what
are you doing here?

Fred, wake up. Did you hear that?

I did.

Do you think...

He's back.

Our boy is back.

Hey.

Eugene's leaving. Where's he going?

It's Ryan, you guys.

I'm going to bed.

Skin is thicker than water.

I don't think that's
the correct saying.

No. No.

Leave it alone.
He's standing on the stairs,

- listening.
- If that's true,

then the only thing I
want him to hear is this...

I love you, son.

If you're
listening, I love you, too.

If you're listening,

it's blood that's thicker than water.

It's blood.