02x19 - Decemberfold

[bunniefuu]

Like any expecting father,

Noah was nervous.

Sure, he happened to be expecting

his college-age daughter
and not a newborn,

but that didn't make it any easier.

You know, Opus and I
like the same TV shows.

We're on the same nap schedule.

You know, we're not embarrassed
to fart around each other.

Look, man, don't... don't overthink it.

She's your daughter. It'll be fine.

That's easy for you to say.

Look at you and Tessa, with your...

your friendship and your...
your repartee.

It's disgusting.

You'd be surprised at how many
people think it is disgusting.

Jenna is a cool girl.

You really don't have
anything to worry about.

Yeah? Well, what if she just
appears cool in group settings?

Who knows what she's
like one-on-one?

No one! No one knows!

I know. We've become
pretty close, actually.

Perfect, because someone
needs to tell her

that Jill and I are separated.

W... you haven't told her?

Look, we can't all be
the great George Altman

with our sage advice
and our acoustic guitars

and our telling people of things.

I'm gonna go hit the showe-showe.

Hey.

Um, whose apartment is this?

She took the news surprisingly well.

Well, Jenna's a great girl.

Or should I say, she appears to be

from what I've gleaned
in group situations.

Now what she's like
one-on-one, I have no...

Excuse me, Mr. Altman.

Would you be interested in participating

in this year's
"Dads of Chatswin" calendar?

- It's for charity, and...
- Javier, I think you know damn well

George Altman is not the type to engage

in a fun, playful, lighthearted activity

like the one you're about to describe.

What? Why... why would you say that?

Have you met George Altman?

I'm George Altman

and I take myself real seriously.

I read the news. I listen
to the news. I love news.

You know what? I resent that.

I'm George Altman. I resent things.

Javier, please ignore her and
finish what you were saying.

Okay, well, as I said, it's
a fun calendar for charity

where Chatswin dads
pose in beefcake photos.

See? Look at his face!

What?

See, you lost him on "beefcake."

Honestly, can you imagine
George dressed up in hot pants

and holding an axe?

I mean, you just put the image
in my head, so, yes, I can.

You know what?

I can imagine it, too.

I'm signing up. Thank you, Javier.

You know, just because you
haven't seen me be fun and silly

does not mean I don't
love to be fun and silly.

[Alih Jay] ♪ last night I
had a pleasant nightmare ♪

Having Jenna around

meant a chance to finally have
an intelligent conversation.

I'm telling you, after
you read this book,

you'll realize that all relationships

are fundamentally transactional.

Even the people you think you love

are just meeting certain
base biological needs.

Wow. Why love?

That's my point. You don't.

Hey, Jenna. I'm Lisa Shay.

We met once when your dad
accidentally invited me

to your th birthday party,

and I threw up in your
yard, and your dog ate it.

Oh. Right. Hi.

Hey, lesbians.

You guys should save some
room for your vagtables.

Dalia. Haven't you d*ed of syphilis yet?

Are you calling me a slut?

I'm actually impressed
she got the inference.

I didn't,

but greasy losers usually
call girls like me sluts.

Hey! George!

We heard you signed up for the
"Dads of Chatswin" calendar.

You're making a big mistake.

These dads, they... they think
they're coming off as sexy,

but they look like fools.

Yeah. The kind ya laugh at.

The weird thing is,

I was looking through
last year's calendar...

and both of you are in it.

Huh. That is weird.

You don't look embarrassed
to be tiptoeing through the...

Daffodils!

Don't you dare call them otherwise.

And you.

Seems oddly unseasonable for January.

Well, originally, they sh*t me for July,

and then decided to move me
to a less prominent month.

It's very competitive, George.

Come on, guys.

There's no reason we have
to take this so seriously.

Yeah, it's all fun and games

until you're looking down the
barrel of a back page group sh*t.

We'll see who's smiling then.

Come on, Fred.

See ya later.

Morning, Tessa.

Why?

Tessa, Dalia came over this
morning to take you to school.

That dress is so cute, Tessa.

Sure it is.

It is. I swear.

Dalia, you
want some scrambled eggs?

No, thanks, daddy Altman.

I don't eat unborn chicken fetuses.

That's... that's not what eggs are.

Really.

What are they?

Uh... Well,
these aren't fertilized,

so they're just a... a... a
normal part of a hen's menstrual...

- How about some cereal?
- 'Kay.

We may have figured
out what eggs were,

but I still had no idea

why Dalia was looking
at me like that.

You can change this station

if you don't like Wiz Khalif A, Tessa.

Morning.

You're getting really popular, Tessa.

That salad looks really good, Tessa.

♪ Bop-zee-bop, shoo-bop, bop-bop-day ♪

♪ twiggity-zee ♪

♪ iggity-ee, zibbity-bow, shoo-bi-Dee-bop ♪

♪ zigity-oh ♪

A capella scatting is

pretty much the rawest form
of human expression there is.

I know.

And I really liked the way
you clapped after it, Tessa.

Um, Dalia, would you mind if
Tessa and I had a word alone?

Can I wait out in the hallway
for you guys until you're done?

I don't see why not.

'Kay.

Bye, Tessa.

What the hell is going on with you two?

I have no idea. It is super weird.

I've been eyeing her
suspiciously all day

but I haven't picked up
on any ulterior motives.

She's just...

Being nice.

Dalia Royce is not nice.

She's a warped, broken sociopath.

Do you think she liked my song?

Dalia wasn't the only one
acting out of character.

Hi. How you ladies doing?

Have a seat.

My dad was about to embark

on a midlife modeling career.

Have you done any modeling before?

Uh, well, no, not professionally.

Well, you're clearly a natural.

- Really?
- Yeah. Yeah.

You've got a great quality.
Potential December material,

if you ask me.

Oh. And... and that's good?

Ohh. I love his innocence.

The Decemberfold is only the
most sought after position

of the year.

Oh, the Decemberfold.

D-did you say... that's what you said?

Yeah, I... I... of course. Of
course. Come on, George.

Could you take your top off, please?

What... what now?

Could you remove your shirt?

My sh... uh, the... um...

are you kidding?

Suddenly, this guy's
acting like a real amateur.

Oh.

Oh. Well... well... well, okay.

Yeah. I should... I think...

That's it. That's the stuff.

Très joli.

Mmm. He's hunky.

Yes, but not a ton of definition,

so the Decemberfold's probably out.

Maybe we could do something with hugging

in March.

In March? Wait.

No. March? No. No.

Nobody gives a rat's ass about March.

Decemberfold.

Totally.

[ ♪ Natural One ♪
by Folk Implosion playing ]

♪ I'm the one, natural
one, make it easy ♪

♪ we can take it inside ♪

♪ yeah, we can take it ♪

♪ and when mama's not around ♪

♪ there's no telling what
we'll do when we're free ♪

So you are ignoring my texts.

Lisa!

What... the... hell?

Tessa, I needed to get in
touch with you. It's urgent.

Uh, well, I'm sorry. I'm
running late to meet Jenna.

- Can this wait?
- No.

Well, can you make it fast?

No.

We all know freshman year I was blocked

from Dalia's Facebook
and Twitter accounts

after being falsely
accused of stalking her.

I didn't know that.

Well, that was before
you moved to Chatswin

and I started having human friends.

But that's just preamble.

Can we get to the amble?

The point is, it takes one to know one.

And when Dalia started stalking you,

I felt the need to re-stalk
her to find out why.

But without access to her online life,

the question was, how?

To determine?

Why she was doing it?

There were three questions.

Lisa...

But then I realized I
simply had to create

an online fake boy
identity named Lars Lissol.

You had to name him Lars Lissol?

Well.. no.

That was the fun part.

The disturbing part is
what Mr. Lissol uncovered.

Just this evening, Dalia
accepted his friend request.

Look at her feed over the past two days.

"Watched Tessa eat an
unborn chicken. L.O.L."

"Watched Tessa eat her
salad like a boss. L.O.L."

She's broadcasting every
single thing she does with you.

But why?

Don't know.

I can tell you who intends to find out.

- Lars Lissol.
- Yeah.

Thanks, Lisa, but I don't think that we need...

to drag an imaginary person into this.

I'll just ask Dalia what's up.

It's not like she's hiding
it. It's on the Internet.

I'll let you know what she says. Okay?

Okay, so I guess I'll just tell Lars

that his services will
no longer be needed.

Although I can tell you right now,

he would've appreciated a thank you.

Lookin' good, daddy.

Ugh.

Everything looks so heavy.

Uh, excuse me.

Sir, uh, do you have a-a printout

of the calorie count for these entrees?

We most certainly do not.

Oh. Okay.

Well, can you at least ask the kitchen

how much butter they intend to
put in this pan-seared salmon?

You think you're ordering something healthy...

'cause it's a fish, and then by the time

they sneak all that butter
in there, you've got this...

I'll go check on the
undercover butter agenda.

George.

- Yeah?
- What's up?

You just seem a little...

annoying.

Well, yeah, I'm just trying
to shred up, you know?

I've got my... my big photo
sh**t in a couple of days, so...

Photo sh**t? Is this
about that silly calendar?

Y... yes, it's about
that "silly calendar."

Per your suggestion, I am
having a silly good time.

Well, you seem to be taking
the silliness pretty seriously.

Well, th-that's because I
happen to be in the running

for December.

You seem fidgety.

Yeah, that's 'cause I'm fidgeting.

It's a great way to burn calories.

I've been fidgeting for days,

and it's like, hello, cheekbones!

Hey. Carmen let me in.

I figured you wouldn't mind

since we're such good
friends these days.

L.O.L.

I'm tweeting that.

Dalia,

what is going on?

I knew it was weird

when you started being
nice to me all of a sudden,

but I have no idea why you
are tweeting and posting

every stupid interaction we
have for the whole world to see.

So I guess you want the true-true,

as they say in my favorite
movie "Cloud Atlas,"

featuring Tom Hanks playing
like different roles.

Yes. Give me the true-true.

'Kay.

Jenna Werner and I used
to be really good friends.

I said true-true.

Seriously, Tessa.

Her and I were mad tight,

and then she, like, turned on a dollar

and ditched me.

I think her Brown friends
thought she was too good for me.

And when I saw you guys hanging out,

I...

You got jealous.

And I wanted her to think

that I was good friends with you, too.

Look, Dalia,

if you wanna be friends with me,

you don't have to be
weird about it or force it.

I mean...

I can...

imagine...

one day us being...

friend-like.

Thanks, Tessa.

That means a lot to me.

Since you and I are so close now,

will you do me a favor?

Sure.

Will you not be friends
with Jenna anymore?

I can't believe the movie's sold out.

What else should we see?

You know what?

I'm rethinking the whole
movie idea in general.

I can't stop picturing my metabolism

just plummeting in there.

Can't we just go for a jog?

You could sit on my
back while I do push-ups.

I'm tired of sittin' on
your damn back, George!

You know, all this body conscious stuff

is super unappealing.

And ever since it started,

I can't help wishing
you'd get hit by a car.

Really? Hit by a car?

Well, I'm not proud of it,
George, but that's how I feel.

You know what?

I think you're just mad because
the ladies are checking me out.

The ladies are checking you out

because you're wearing a garbage bag.

Hey, you have nothing
to be jealous of, sugar.

Should probably come up
with a different nickname

'cause I'm flushing my intake.

Bye. Be careful crossin'.

Or don't.

So how's the groove been
now that Jenna's back?

Her and Opus getting along?

Opus lights up whenever she... hey.

Are you trying to
distract me with chitchat?

I'm in my zone right now. I
will not be thrown from it!

All right, that's fine, man,
'cause I'm in the zone, too.

All right? I'm in the exact same zone.

Frederick.

So when do they tell
us what month we get?

Oh! First, they make us work for it.

[ ♪ Me So Horny ♪ by Live Crew ]
♪ Oh, me so horny ♪

Let me see you work
that sausage, George.

It's there for a reason.

Use it!

♪ Me so horny ♪

Surf's up, Noah.
Surf's all the way up.

Oh, yeah!

That is romance, Fred.

Oh, my heavens. You are not shy.

All right, boys.

Now I just want you to
have fun, okay? Get silly.

All right! Now come on.

Why don't you give me
a little butt-to-butt?

Come on. Don't be shy.

Just a little butt-to-butt.

Don't worry. These are
just for me. Yeah!

Oh, that's fun.

Part of me is excited to get back,

but part of me feels bad

leaving Opus in the middle
of all this divorce drama.

But what am I gonna do, right?

I mean, the kid's gonna have issues.

Yeah.

I guess nobody gets
out unscathed, right?

Speaking of which,

can I talk to you about Dalia Royce?

I know this is gonna be hard to
believe because of how she acts,

but I think she still wants
to be friends with you.

Yeah, but that never works.

It's always awkward trying
to be friends with an ex.

What?

Dalia and I used to hook up.

What?!

Two thanksgivings ago
was the first time.

It was more
of a hate hook-up.

Say it. Say it.

You go to Brown.

It happened a couple more
times before I broke things off.

She's been a total head case ever since,

sending me pictures of
her weird little boyfriend.

Did you know she got his
face tattooed on his cr*ck?

Above her cr*ck, actually.

I was there.

Figures.

I knew when she saw me
hanging out with you,

she'd try to use you next.

She's the most vindictive person I know.

All she cares about is hurting
the people who hurt her.

So just be careful around her.

Dalia and Jenna
used to hook up?

It was crazy, but also
weirdly made sense.

Suddenly I understood
Dalia's lesbian jokes

for what they were... a deflection.

Are you guys talking about me?

Jenna...

told me.

Everything.

And I... I just want you
to know that there is...

no judgment.

Thanks, Tessa. You're a true friend.

I'm really glad you feel that way.

And look, I've had some
bad breakups, too.

I mean, who hasn't?

But sometimes I think
it's best to just move on.

I think you'll feel better...

Thanks, Tessa. I know.

You really helped clear
things up for me.

I really, really owe you one.

Yeah.

If I were you, I'd move.

So...

This is it.

This is it.

Moments from now,

I'll know whether or not
I'm too sexy for my shirt...

which I suspect I am not.

Well, you know,

it's only 'cause it's
a pretty sexy shirt.

Yeah. Well, thank you.

- It's rayon.
- Oh.

I'd like to thank all
the dads for their help.

Because of you, we expect to have

a record-breaking year for our charity,

mothers against the defamation
of undiluted apple juice.

What... what... that's the charity?

Mm-hmm. Yeah.

Apple juice?

This year's Decemberfold represents

everything we look for at "Maduap"...

Sexiness, hunkability,

and a belief in unrestrained fructose.

Get on with it! Let's see the man meat!

Ladies and gentlemen,

let's hear it for the guy
we wanna see two pages of...

George Altman!

Oh!

Hey!

Aha!

Well, thank you.

Yes!

Thank you! Thanks!

Oh, that... look at that. That's nice.

- Well done.
- Really great photo.

You did it, buddy.

Every man in Chatswin wants to be you.

Every woman in Chatswin
wants to be with you.

Yeah.

Every woman except one.

Economists and business leaders from
across the spectrum...

have said that our economy...

- Dallas?
- Hey.

In .

Uh, are you watching the news?

Are you aware that we
have a black president?

I mean, I'm for it, but... wow.

O... okay. Tell me you're kidding.

I'm kiddin'.

I'm not for it.

Kiddin'!

Did you hear the other news?

I heard it.

Decemberfold.

Congrats, George.

Shouldn't you be out celebratin'
and baskin' in the limelight,

sexy pants?

You know what? I should.

But the problem is,

the light I wanted to bask
in wasn't at the country club.

Look...

what is the point of looking great...

and I do look great. I wasn't
fishing. It's been confirmed.

But what's it all mean

if it doesn't get you the attention

of the woman who matters the most?

You can be really sweet when
you set your damn mind to it.

Hey, I'm sorry I said I
wanted you to get hit by a car.

- I fully take that all the way back.
- Thanks.

Oh! Hey!

You brought my favorite pie!

Uh, actually, no. This is for me.

I'm freaking starving.

Ohh. That is good.

Are you gonna eat that
whole thing by yourself?

I was kinda planning on it, yeah.

Hello?

Is anyone in here?

Dalia and Mr. Altman.

[ ♪ Dark Side ♪
by Kelly Clarkson playing ]

I know you think you saw something,

but you didn't see anything.

I didn't see anything.

'Kay.

♪ Everybody's got a dark side ♪

♪ do you love me? ♪

♪ Can you love mine? ♪

♪ Nobody's a picture perfect ♪

♪ but we're worth it, you
know that we're worth it ♪

You should probably go now.

You should probably
have somewhere to be.

Yeah.

♪ Even with my dark side ♪

♪ Don't run away ♪

♪ Don't run away ♪