03x03 - Open Door Policy

Episode transcripts for the TV show "Suburgatory". Aired: September 28, 2011 –; May 14, 2014.*
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Series follows George, a single father who decides to move from NYC to the suburbs so he can give his teenage daughter a better life.
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03x03 - Open Door Policy

Post by bunniefuu »

Tessa:
with the right attitude,

a bad breakup can turn
into a fresh start.

post-ryan, I was doing great
and looking better,

if I do say so myself.

after all, being single
is what you make it.

and I was making it my bitch.

unfortunately,
george was another matter.

What are you eating?

A hamburger.

Functioning people
don't eat hamburgers

Before : a.m.

They also don't go outside
in their pajamas.

So?

It's not like
I'm trying to impress anyone.

Yeah. No risk of that.

Hey.

If I want to walk
the drive-through

For a breakfast burger,
so be it.

Burger, please.

Woman:
I'm sorry, sir, but we're
still serving breakfast.

You can order anything

On the left side
of the menu board.

Anything at all.

[ Horn honks ]

Burger, please.

Let that be a lesson
to you, tessa.

You hold up the drive-through
line long enough,

You can change the world.

How long till you change
your clothes?

I'm a bachelor, baby.
I'm free.

This is what freedom
looks like -- right here.

Oh, so freedom
has pit stains?

Nobody said freedom was pretty.
Have you seen syria lately?

[ Chuckles ]

George doesn't
want to admit it,

But his behavior
is a direct result

Of his breakup
with dallas.

When a long-term
relationship ends,

People tend to freak out.

After malik and I split,

I spent a lot of time
in car washes.

More time
than I'm comfortable admitting.

Nobody knows better than me
about epic breakups.

I get it.

I just wish george
would follow my lead.

After all, I am doing great
and looking better.

If I do say so myself.

I guess it's easier
for me, though,

Because I'm completely
over ryan.

Completely?

Totally.

Good.

Sheila:
because ryan is coming home,

I'll need you to sweep the attic
from top to bottom, lisa.

Use my good broom.

I doubt ryan will be
going up to the attic.

Oh, but he could.
He could.

So it needs to be r.r.

Ryan ready.

Your father is out
buying driveway sealant

So ryan makes
a smooth entry.

That is done.

Oh,
and I have made a chart

With everyone's
sleeping arrangements.

Victor, ryan will be
sleeping with you,

Like a couple
of real brothers.

I actually have
a real brother.

He was left behind
in cambodia.

Oh.
Fred will be bunking down

In the rumpus room
on the pull-out.

W-why can't he just
sleep in his bed?

Because, ding-dong,
ryan's new girlfriend is coming,

And she'll be sleeping
in with me

So I can keep an eye on her.

Ryan has a girlfriend?

And heaven has angels.

[ Sighs ]

His gal pal will be locked
in my sleep chamber

With the only key
tucked safe and sound

In my prison purse.

Your father bought it for me

On our honeymoon trip
to alcatraz.

I usually keep
my tampons in it.

-- [Font color="#ffff "]captions by vitac[/font] --

Alih jey: ♪ last night I had
a pleasant nightmare ♪

♪ Da-da-da-da

[ Dog barks ]

♪ Da, da, da, da

Dalia: okay.

[ Doorbell rings ]

Tessa: hey.
That's the dog groomer.

[ tv chatter ]

Allow me.

I see you have your hands full
with sitting.

I'm -- I'm watching
the chilean mine disaster.

Another one?

Those guys need to stay
above ground.

No, no. Same one.

I didn't have time to follow it
when it first happened,

But now I am not
leaving this couch

Until the last man
is out.

They do get out, right?

Oh. He's a puller.

I know. Sorry.
Hell, no!

[ Chuckles ]
he looks like howdy doody.

I recommend walking him
more regularly on pavement.

It's gonna keep his nails
under control

In between groomings.

Uh-huh.

Monique had a difficult time
clipping his nails.

She described them
as long and thick.

I brought you some shards
so you could see.

[ Rattling ]

That's very thoughtful
of you. Thank you.

To be honest,
his condition alarms me.

There's considerable matting.
His ears are waxy.

I wouldn't be surprised
if there was a flea infestation.

I-i-i don't --
I don't understand.

I thought he got the works.
He -- he looks great.

I'm talking
about your dad.

Oh. Yep.

Do you mind my asking?

What's his
feeding schedule like?

Oh, we just have
an open-bowl policy.

I'm not sure that's best.

In my opinion,
he's overindulging

And not getting
enough exercise.

Okay,
I'll try to walk him more.

But like you said,
he is terrible on the leash.

Still talking
about your dad.
Mm.

I feel for you, tessa.

It's an upside-down world

When a kid
has to parent a parent.

Tell you what.

I'm gonna enroll beiderman
in our daily walk service,

Since you're gonna be
at school

And your father will

Apparently be spread eagle
on the couch.

That would be really great.
Thank you.

One last thing.
I'm concerned about worms.

Now, the only way to rule
that out is to check his stool.

I don't want to check
my dad's stool.

This time I was
talking about the dog.

Oh. [ Chuckles ]
okay.

[ Chuckles ]
thank you. Bye.

[ Door opens, closes ]

What's that smell?

I don't smell anything.

[ Sniffs ] how can you not?
It's oppressive.

Well, it's definitely not
my stadium buddy.

Your what now?

My stadium buddy.

I'm just saying the smell
can't be from that

Because of its odorless
money-back guarantee.

[ Sloshing ]

Don't want to miss
the rescue.

Are you urinating in a bag
strapped to your leg?

Not at the moment.

Okay.

Well, I guess we know
what that smell is.

Rock bottom!

Hey. Hey!

I told you, I am not
getting off this couch

Until ever man is out --
every man!

What? Don't judge me.

I-i've seen how
you greet your friends.

george hitting rock bottom
left me with no choice

but to call in
reinforcements --

someone who is a master
of the mature dating scene.

[ Telephone rings ]
oh, yeah.
[ Laughs ]

Altman.

Hello...grandpa?

Tessa: and I'm just worried
about him, you know?

I mean, what about
when I go to college?

You know,
he's gonna be all alone.

[ Door opens ]

Dad. Hey.

I didn't -- I didn't know
you were coming up this way.

I wasn't.

[ Door closes ]

Are you sick?

Sick of wearing pants.

You were out and about
like that?

I may have caught a movie.

Sno-caps?

I think we both know
the answer to that.

So, h-how long
you visiting for?

[ Inhales deeply ]
t.b.d.

What was that?

I saw that. That was --
that was a look.

No look.

No look?
No look.

Did you -- are you --

Did you tell my dad on me?

Yes, george, I did!

I did,
and I would do it again.

Oh, brother.

Dad, I'm sorry tessa
dragged you

All the way over here
for nothing.

She's crazy, okay? I'm great.
Everything's great.

No. You're not great.

And everything
is not great.

Hey.
There's a child
in the house.

Have you thought about what kind
of impression you're making?

Other than the one
on the sofa.

You hush your lips.

George, I'm worried about you.
I hate to see you like this.

Now, you're never gonna
attract a dynamite gal

Wandering around
in your bed clothes.

I-i'm not interested

In attracting
a dynamite gal, okay?

I'm taking a break.
What?

From showering.

Shut up, traitor.
Look, george,

Tessa explained
what happened.

And I'm here to tell you

That nothing gets you over
an old flame quicker

Than igniting a new one.

Mm-hmm.

Now, I want you to go
get yourself all cleaned up.

There's a swingles event in town
that I've rsvp'd for.

Okay, sorry, dad.

Look, a man's rsvp
is his word.

I-i didn't rsvp.

And jane seymour said

She didn't have time
for a daiquiri,

But we both know
how that turned out.

Bam.

She had one daiquiri with you
at the airport

And then flew home
to her husband.

Bam.

[ Knock on door ]

Sheila: whoo-hoo!
Victor: yay!

Hold your mirth.

It's just tessa.
Sorry. Just me.

Victor,
dust-bust the entry

While I dice
some fresh confetti.

Nobody wants tessa's
sloppy seconds.

Tessa, what are you
doing here?

Hi, I just came over
to see if you wanted to

Walk into town
and get some yogurt.
Oh, that's so sweet.

No, thank you.
What is going on in here?

Nothing.

[ Vacuum running ]

Is, um,
ryan coming home?

No.

So, that "welcome home ryan"
banner is just...

Preparation
for the future,

If and when
the day should come.

Okay. Yeah.
Ryan's coming home.

He's coming home
to meet victor ha.

[ Vacuum stops ]
what?

Victor, I beg you.

[ Vacuum starts ]

I had hoped to shield you
from this.

Lisa, I told you
I'm fine with seeing ryan.

Fine with seeing ryan
with his new girlfriend?

Also, ryan has
a new girlfriend.

Ryan has a girlfriend?

Ryan has a girlfriend.
Of course he does.

And you know what?
I think that is great.

Really? I mean, you don't
feel threatened or --

Not at all.

I'm -- I'm tickled

That ryan has followed
my example and moved on.

But you're
not seeing anyone.

But I have moved on.
Sure.

The long-distance thing
never works,

And I was mature enough
to realize that.

Besides, it's not like
we don't know

Exactly who this chick is,
right?

Oh.
Deep tan...

Bleach-blonde hair...

Big boobs, small i.q.

It'll be good
to see ryan.

while I was bracing for
an encounter with my old flame,

george had been dragged out
in search of a new one.

Uh, george.
Yeah?

Have you introduced
yourself

To the beautiful girl
seated next to you?

Hi.

Want shrimp?

No, thanks.

They're free.

Still no.
[ Chuckles ]

Uh, george, uh,
perhaps you'd like to, uh,

Set aside the shrimp
for a moment

And take this pretty gal
for a spin on the dance floor.

I have a feeling this young lady
loves to dance.

I do.
I love to dance.

Yeah, I don't.
I-i don't.

I always feel like a --
like a t-rex, you know?

Like my arms are too short
for my body. [ Chuckles ]

What if we went back to my place
for a little...

[ Laughs ]

Come on.
We're leaving.

Thank god.

I'm literally so full of shrimp
I think I'm gonna throw up.

[ Stomach drops ]

Can I get you
something to drink?

Uh, yeah.

I-i will take a ginger ale.

And directions
to the toilet...

Gorgeous.

I can -- I can hold it.

Ryan shay's back!

Oh, my god!
Oh, my god! Aah!

Oh, I botched it!
Oh! I botched it.

It's okay.
I botched the arrival.

It's okay, ma.
It's good to see you.
Oh.

Oh, you always know
just what to say.

Oh. Oh, gosh.

Tessa.

Hi.

♪ It was a fine day
in fifth grade ♪

Um...this is
my girlfriend, june.

I'd been expecting a ryan type,
but she was more like...

a tessa type.

♪ He said,
"take my high-school ring" ♪
cool boots.

♪ So time to time,
now you can think of me ♪

Scoot over here for a minute,
will you, love bug?

George, remember how
you used to hate mushrooms,

Swore up and down
you were allergic, even?

And then one day,
I forced you to try 'em,

And now,
when you order pizza...

I order extra mushrooms.

So listen to someone
older and wiser.

Try some mushrooms.

Really, dad?
She is not mushrooms. Sorry.

And romancing women
is not the answer

To all of life's problems.

Well, we got to use
what mother nature gave us

Before father time
takes it away.

Well, I guess we see things
differently.

Really?
Yeah.


Exactly how do you
see things, george?

What is
your master plan, hmm?

You know what?

It's normal to feel bad
when bad things happen.

You know what's not normal?
Now, don't you dare.

Moving on so fast

It's like your whole marriage
never existed.

Is that what you think
I did?

No, that's what I
watched you do.

Mom wasn't gone a month

And you were already
back out there

In the --
in the dating pool.
Hey, don't you splash me.

Oh, I'll splash you
all I want.

And let me tell you
something, mister.

When your mother
was on this earth,

I loved her
every day of my life,

With every inch of my soul.

We were supposed to
grow old together.

But it didn't work out
that way, did it?

No.

It didn't.

Life is
for the living, george.

And sitting in the dark,
eating sno-caps...

Is not how I intend
to live mine.

Hold still.

This has to be
completely level.

Okay.

Ryan, by a mile.
Yes!

Not even close.
But I'm only .

Don't be a sore loser, bro.
What's next?

I know. Let's see who can
carry mom longer.

Oh, that's good. Yeah.

I'll go first.
Ready? Go.

♪ Now I've had
[ laughs ]

♪ The time of my life

Oh!

Isn't it obvious?

She's like
a poor man's me.

Oh, don't tell me
you don't see it.

She's completely
tessa-like.

W-we don't even know her.
Don't we?

m*llitary boots,
snarky attitude,

Lightly flushed cheek,

And a --
and a natural lip.

Side part.

It's like -- it's like
he's trying to re-create --

[ Knock on door ]

Lisa?

Is it okay if I sleep in here
instead of with your mom?

What --
what did she say?

Of course it's fine, june.
Come on.

Come in.
Make yourself comfortable.

Oh. [ Scoffs ]
would you look at that.

Uh, june has a book
tucked under her arm.

Apparently,
june likes to read.

Who else likes to read,
lisa?

Uh...
Billions of people?

Just a little poe.
He's my favorite.

Ditto.
So, june, um...

How did you and ryan
first meet?

Actually, we met
at an advanced screening

Of "sea of anguish ii."

Do you know it?
Absolutely.

I'm, uh...
Very, very, very familiar

With that indie series.

In fact, ryan never knew
those type of films existed

Until he met me.

I'm the one who took him
to see "sea of anguish i."

Oh. Cool.

Favorite band?

Mm, hard to say.

I like so many
different types of music.

Same. Same. Same.

But I am really into this group
that ryan turned me on to.

Average shelf life?
Yeah.
Yeah, how did you know?

Because that's my band.

What do you mean,
that's your band?
That's my band.

I'm the one
who turned him on to them,

So, get this, june --

Everything you like about ryan
stems from me,

So, uh, what I'm trying
to say is, basically,

You are in love with me.

I think I might just sleep
in your mom's room after all.

You know what? Don't worry.
She's not staying.

Boy, oh, boy. Ryan must have
searched high and low

To find a tessa-type
in florida.

Oh,
I'm not from florida.

I actually live
a couple towns over.

What?

Yeah.

The long-distance thing sucks,
but it's worth it.

When you find a guy
like ryan,

You don't let him
get away, right?

Right.

i guess we weren't
that much alike after all.

♪ So much time has passed

Ryan: hey. You okay?
I'm okay.

Tessa, stop.
Why?

What?
What is there left to say?

Can you judge
our push-up contest?

I'm lighter,

But I still think
he's gonna b*at me.

♪ Guess he never really
gave up hope ♪

Why don't you ask june
to judge?

I'm sure she'll be
better at it.

♪ Just goes to show
you never know ♪

Sugar, water,
juice concentrate.

What the hell
kind of wine is this?

Oh, that's not wine.
It's wine product.

Real wine can't be sold
in markets here.

No, I was looking for
a host gift for my son.

Oh.
No need to toss out
good manners

Just because
we aren't speaking.

Oh, dear.
I'm sorry to hear that.

What grade is he in?

Oh, no, he's full-grown.

Oh.
Although he doesn't
always act like it.

Yeah, it's been rough
between us.

I try, but sometimes,
I think not hard enough.

Well, what matters is
that you keep trying,

That you're there.

I believe it was
kelly ripa-consuelos who said,

"Your children need
your presence,

Not your presents."

It looks better
when you see it on the page.

Ah.
[ Both chuckle ]

So, uh, no wine?

No wine.

But if you insist
on going there,

I'd do a salted caramel
artisanal ice cream.

It heals all wounds.

It is a shining beacon
in the darkness.

[ Chuckles ]

You see, I want my son
to be able to enjoy

Some nice,
warm conversation

With a beautiful lady
like yourself.

Oh.

I, uh --
I don't suppose

You'd be interested
in meeting --

Oh, hell no.
Don't look at me.

I am done with men
and on to salted caramel.

Toodles.

[ Newspaper rustling ]

So...that's it.

Yeah, I'm gonna
get out of your hair.

You don't need me around
telling you what to do.

But, george,

If you ever need me around
not telling you what to do,

Just pick up the phone.

I'm sorry
I splashed you.

Nah. Nah,
I had that splash coming.

My only excuse is you're my kid
and I want to see you happy.

Oh, yeah,
I almost forgot.

I left you some fancy ice cream
in the freezer.

Some fox I ran into
at the grocery store

Said it's a panacea.

[ Chuckles ]
you can't push a grocery cart

Without hitting one,
is that right?

Oh, she was a good one.
I'm telling you.

But I'll tell you this --

I loved your mom more than
all of them put together.

Hey, I'm sorry I brought up
all the mom stuff.

I was lightheaded from
the hot tub and too much shrimp.

Well, you did have
a lot of shrimp.

They were free.
Seriously, uh...

I know you're
not ready to start dating.

But, uh...

Leave the door open,
will you?

Just a cr*ck.

And if love comes a-knockin',
don't be afraid to answer.

Deal.

I thought we agreed you were
gonna leave the door open?

I thought
that was a metaphor.

You want me to leave
my actual door --

Well, no,
I guess you're right.

But if someone
comes knocking --

No, i-i got it.
[ Chuckles ]

[ Knock on door ]

Okay, that was a test.
You passed.

Goodbye, dad.
Goodbye.

[ Knock on door ]

Okay, this is
getting ridiculous.

Oh.
Oh.

Hi.
Hello. [ Chuckles ]

I'm just, uh,
here picking up...

...your dog.
[ Chuckles ]

For his walk.
Oh, right. Yeah.

Beiderman. Come here.

All righty.

You ready to go
on your walk?

Here you go.

You're, uh,
looking very dapper today.

Oh, thank you.

You know what?
I could use some fresh air.

You mind if I join you?
Oh, that'd be great.

I can show you some of
my on-leash corrections,

And you can be
the bag man.

I am not gonna ask
what that means,

'Cause I think
I already know.

[ tv chatter ]

Hey.

Did you know it was
over degrees underground?

Not to mention
the humidity.

Having some
morning ice cream?

It's so good.
You want some?

No. Thank you.
[ Chuckles ]

I, uh --
I ran into ryan outside.

Guess he's back
for a visit.

Mm. Guess so.

Look, tessa,
I know how you feel.

But the less time you spend
on the couch, the better.

And I'm not just saying that
'cause it's a beautiful day out.

But also because it could

Truly use a cleaning
after the spill.

What spill?

I-i didn't have
an accident.

But my stadium buddy
did.

I think I'm gonna
go shower.

It's not exactly true,

But she's my kid
and I want to see her happy.

You know what?
I can't take your judgment.

Go lay down on your mat.
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