03x06 - About a Boy-Yoi-Yoing

[bunniefuu]

Tessa: the town of chatswin had
an undertow,

and it was always looking
for ways to suck you back in.

Bellini-beluga
block party?

Trash.

Extension convention --
% off human clip-ons.

What is
a human clip-on?

Doesn't matter.
We're not interested.

Should we sponsor

Chatswin elementary's
twerkathon?

They're twerking to end
g*n v*olence.

Um, i-i feel like
that's not gonna work.

Hey, we're invited to tour
chatswin's historic homes.

Hmm, do I want to see
some rich lady

Show off
her walk-in bra closet?

You know what? Kind of,
but gonna have to decline.

george and I were doing
an excellent job

of keeping to ourselves,

but it was easy
to turn down invitations

that came in the mail.

the ones that were delivered
face-to-face

Were a little more challenging.

Well,
do I look any different?

Turning tomorrow, y'all --
- !

It's, like, the last prime
number before you can vote.

It's kind of a big deal.

You did it, man.
Y-you made it.
[ Chuckles ]

And in celebration,
I intend to make it nasty!

[ Singsong voice ]
I am dropping it on hos.

I am dropping it
on the ho--

What does that mean?

It means I'm having
a small dinner party

At shabu-shabbos,
the kosher japanese restaurant.

Parentals said
I can invite three friends,

So without
any further ado...

Oh, thanks.
I can't wait.

[ Inhales sharply ]

They throw vegetables
in the air and catch them

In their chef's hat.

It's a meal and a show.

I hope
you guys have fun.

Oh, come on, tessa,
a guy only turns once --

That is, until they make
time travel a reality.

Oh.

[ Both laugh nervously ]

C-come on, now.
My arm's getting tired.

All right, you know,
i-i'm just gonna

Set the invitation
down here,

And, uh,
y-you can just mull it over.

You know,
just give it a good mull.

Yes, I will do that.

Great, and if you could let me
know asap, that would dope!

Because I can only invite
three people.

Got it!

So, if you're not coming,
I'd like to invite someone else.

In that case,
i-i think you should

Probably invite
someone else.

Okay, you called my bluff.
There's no one else.

Ooh, but the thing is,

There's also
an important calculus test

That I need to study for.

Okay, well, just, you know,
think about it and let me know.

I did, and I did,
and I'm not coming.

I'll circle back!

Malik: just...

Yeah, that's good.
That's good.

We'll -- we'll...

[ Sighs ]

That was painful.

W-why you got to be
such a hater?

Hey, you can call me
a lot of things,

But it is a well-known fact
that I am not a hater.

Sure, the last name smith
gets her in the door,

But that young lady whips
her ohair back and forth.

No one does that
for her.

Just because I don't want
to go to evan's party

Doesn't make me a hater.

Parties are optional,
right?

Damn it.
I think she got us on that one.

Yeah.
Parties are optional.

-- [Font color="#ffff "]captions by vitac[/font] --

Alih jey: ♪ last night I had
a pleasant nightmare ♪

♪ Da-da-da-da

[ Dog barks ]

♪ Da, da, da, da

Dalia: okay.

[ Sighs ]

Here you go.

You're a peach.

[ Gulping ]

[ Sighs ]

Okay, I didn't really need
to borrow a cup of milk.

Although,
that was refreshing.

I needed a cup of you.

'Cause I never see you anymore,
not since you quit us.

I didn't quit you.

I just --
I quit the country club.

Was it because
of when our leg hairs

Brushed against each other
in the steam room?

Because I assure you
that was accidental

And completely forgotten.

It's not like your wind song
stays on my mind.

[ Chuckles ]

Look, fred,
it's nothing personal.

I just decided I'm not
a country-club kind of guy.

[ Sighs ]

So you hate me.

Not at all.
I just...

Didn't like who I was
turning into at that club.

Because you were
turning into me?

Hey, what if you and I found
a new place to hang out?

Somewhere
without a dress code

Where we can both relax
and be ourselves.

I have the perfect place --
right here!

chez shay, jorgé!

Hey, after I get
my loads folded,

We can fire up
some classic episodes of "ellen"

And dance
to an imaginary audience.

Right, well, I was -- I was
thinking maybe somewhere...

Outside of your home
where we can get a drink and...

Also maybe not smell
whatever it is

That's coming
out of your kitchen right now.

Come on, fred, there's got to be
a good bar around.

You know, as a matter of fact,
a new bar just opened.

That's
what I'm talking about!

Some dive where a couple of guys
can go out

And get
a nice stiff drink.

Yeah, I even got a coupon!

Nothing says dive bar
like a good coupon.

Am I right?

Wait.

What is this --
a juice bar?

It's got
everything we need --

Ample, natural light;

Clean, sturdy stools.

We can bro down
till the cows come home,

By which I mean sheila.

By which I mean

She has big and tender,
brown eyes.

Just please don't tell sheila
I called her a cow.

Fred, when I said "drink,"
I wasn't talking about juice.

But this is pressed juice,
loaded with fibrous nutrients.

It's more
than a beverage --

It's a movement.

Right now there's only one
a pressed nation,

But their dream is to have
a pressed nations

All over the world.

Well, we can all dream.
[ Sighs ]

Uh, two fermented fujis,
please.

All right.

They contain
a trace amount of alcohol,

But I'm wearing
my medic-alert bracelet,

So let's party.
[ Chuckles ]

Are you a member
of our juice club?

Uh, no, no,
I am not a regular.

You might be
after you try this.

Mm?

What if I told you
that contained

Nothing but kabocha squash
and almond milk?

I'd tell you
to shut your mouth.

There's no ice cream
in that?

No.

I-i will take a large.

Sorry, non-members can
only sample

The specialty flavors.

I'm a member.

C-can I sip on his?

No, I won't let you.

Ah --

If...

You sign up
for the juice club,

You get to order
off the insider's menu,

And you get
deep discounts.

You know what?

This might be
the kabocha squash talking.

But I'm in.

[ Toilet flushes ]

Oh, hey, tessa.

Great news.

I got to our math teacher,
mrs. Nelson.

What d-- what do you mean
you got to her?

Well, I told her
that some students,

Including yours truly,
were suffering

From "pre-traumatic
test disorder,"

And she agreed
to postpone the exam.

Oh. That's great.

So, what?

So the excuse you gave
is no longer valid.

Crisis averted?

Set tessa to party mode?

Commence
cookies and cream?

Okay, well...

The truth is
the test wasn't the only reason

I couldn't go
to your party.

See, I made this pact
with my dad.

I'm not trying
to take your virginity, tessa.

Not that kind of pact.

So I can take
your virginity?

That is not what this is about,
right?

You're not trying to ask me
on a double date,

Because I know how
indiscriminately horny you are.

Filthy as charged.

And I just want to make sure
that is not what this is about.

No, of course not,
unless you want it to be,

In which case, yes,
it absolutely is.

I don't want it to be.

Then, yeah, no probs.

See you at : .
And, uh, no gifts.

Just write down reasons
why you're glad I was born.

Uh, I --

Oh, and I'm not saying
it hato be in pirate speak,

But the theme is pirates.

[ Bells chime ]

Welcome
to crystal cup of crystals.

How can I provide you
with dazzling service today?

Oh, I'm, uh,
just looking around. Thanks.

For anything
in particular?

We just got in
a stunning shipment of figurines

Based
on the "modern family" g*ng.

Crystal cam's my fave

'Cause there's nothing
he won't say.

Actually, I was just wondering
if you had a bathroom.

Let me guess --
you just came

From the new juice place
down the street.

Yeah.

So, the bathroom?
Tell me something.

What are they putting
in those juices over there?

Look, I don't know,
but all I know

Is it doesn't stay
very long.

I'm begging you.

Bathroom's in the back.

And wipe down the crystal sink
when you're done!

It spots easy!

Yo, ho, ho.

Ahoy, me hearty!

Shiver me timbers!

Happy birthday, evan.

You wenches
clean up nicely.

Lucky is the pirate
that finds booty tonight!

Hi.

Can I start you guys off
with an adam sandler roll?

Is it any good?

It's super popular,
but no.

Hey, it's my th birthday.
Can I get a hug?

Sure, cutie.

Oh, my god.
You smell so good.

I-i think you're smelling
sukiyaki sauce.

Boy-yoi-yoing!

Okay, let's toast the man
of the hour, yours truly, me!

Evan fievel abramowitz.

"E" is for everything I like
about him, which is many.

"V" is for very much,
which is plenty.

"A" is for his asthma,
which never slows him down.

"N" is -- is not really,

'Cause i-i-it really
slows him down.

Let's just...

Hey, I love you, bro.

[ Bells chime ]

Welcome
to crystal cup of crystals.

How can I provide you
with daz--

You got a bathroom?!

Well, of course we do.
However...

So, if you'd like
to empty your bladder,

You will also need
to empty your wallet!

Fine.

I'll take one of these.

A single crystal tear?!

That's how you're gonna
do me?!

I am a strong,
independent businesswoman,

Not a bathroom attendant!

I didn't name this establishment
crystal crap of crappers!

I swear, there is not enough
autumn pear in the world.

I am putting that juice place
on notice.

On notice!

And number
on my evan-loving list

Is the way his teeth gleam
like precious amethyst.

I don't know, tessa.

Those were some
pretty tough acts to follow.

Oh.

My gift is
less of a epic poem

And more of a...

Online gift card!

Wow, okay,
that's hurtfully impersonal.

Yes,
but on the bright side,

You can buy anything you want
online these days.

Yeah, except friends.

[ Sighs ]

You know,
i-i think I feel

My bronchial passages
tightening.

I-i'm gonna get
some fresh air.

Really?

You couldn't
just freestyle something?

Off the dome?

Guys, no.

Because...no.

Even if I could drop something
off the dome,

Trust me, you guys wouldn't like
what I had to say.

I didn't even want to come here
in the first place.

So, what? So you think
you're just too cool for evan

'Cause he's a nerd?

Have we not progressed
beyond nerd bigotry

As a society
on the whole?

Or did you not vote
for pedro?

It is not that.

Mclovin, screech powers.

Poindexter
on the violin.

I ask,
was all their work in vain?

Did steve urkel do that
for nothing?

I swear,
when I you get emphatic,

It is
unspeakably arousing.

You want to take care
of that situation?

Look, you guys, I don't hate
evan because he's a nerd,

But I don't give him a free pass
because of it, either.

Sorry, I just -- i-i don't
subscribe to that whole...

Protected-class thing.

It's like, who is the biggest
two-faced klepto we know? Who?

I...
I don't know.

You don't want
to say it.

I know,
'cause it's katie --

Katie, who, uh, happens to be
in a wheelchair.

Oh, my gosh.
I love your purse!
Thanks.

Hey, guys, look at this
ugly purse I just found.

Katie has been
through a lot.

Agreed.

But does that mean she gets
to do whatever she wants?

Does that mean because evan has
adorkable little glasses

And an ever-present cannister
of albuterol

That he gets to postpone tests
and grope the waitstaff?

Look, if you don't have
anything nice to say --

Don't say it all.

Correct, which is why I declined
bellinis and belugas.

I declined twerkathons,

And I tried to decline
attending the birthday

Of a self-indulgent,
horny manipulator.

Both:
♪ happy birthday to ye

♪ Happy birthday
to... ♪

Well, I can tell you
who's not getting

The marzipan parrot.

Oh, hello.
Do you like delicious things?

What's wrong with you?
You're acting weird.

Are you drunk?

Yeah, I'm drunk --
on nutrition!

[ Chuckles ]
try this new juice I found.

It's got goji pulp.

I don't want goji pulp.

What happened
to our everything else?

I got rid of it
to make room for the juice.

It's cheaper
if you buy in bulk,

And with my new
membership discount --

What?!

You joined a club?

I thought
we weren't doing that.

No,
it's not a club club.

It's --
it's just an opportunity

For people who live
in certain zip codes

To get privileges
that aren't available --

Crap. I joined a club.
I wasn't supposed to do that!

No.

How did this happen?

You sipped the juice.

George, you let your guard down,
and you sipped the juice.

That's how it works.

You show
just a little bit of weakness,

And -- and the next thing
you know, you're in...

Full pirate garb...

Ruining birthdays

And jeopardizing
your two best friendships.

Now, if you will excuse me,

I'm gonna pour myself
a big bowl of cereal

Because, as you can see,

I did not get
the marzipan parrot.

I can't even look at you
right now.

There's gum in my car.

Hey, buddy.
Hey.

Victor's at school.
I got my chores done.

Do you want to binge-watch
some "silk stalkings"?

Uh, sorry, fred.

I'm spending the day
in the city.

I got a little off track,

And I need a dose of new york
to remind me who I am.

Don't have to ask me once.
I am in!

I-i don't think
you're ready

For the mean streets
of manhattan.

Nonsense.

If crocodile dundee
can acclimate...

O-okay, but we're not gonna be
doing any touristy stuff.

Nor would I want to.
Okay.

Let me just grab my poncho,
my traveler's checks,

And my walking stick.

I'll be right back!

[ Door closes ]

[ Indistinct conversations ]

Uh, can i...

Sit here, or are you guys
saving this seat for evan?

She doesn't know.

She wouldn't care.

She might.
She won't.

Hey,
she's standing right here.

You want to tell her
what you're talking about?

Evan was too upset
to come to school today.

Evan...
Actually skipped school?

I thought he had the record
for perfect attendance.

Not anymore.

That crown is now worn
by vikram deshpandi.

All: go, vikram! Go, vikram!
Go, vikram! Go, vikram!

Don't get cocky, vikram!
Flu season's a-coming!

I wasn't trying to ruin
his perfect-attendance record,

And I certainly wasn't trying
to ruin his birthday.

But I guess I did both.

But in my defense,
you guys have seen my ipod.

You like willow smith.

That doesn't make you
a good person.

and that's when I realized

trying so hard not to change
changes you.

and as for george...

Okay,
when it's crowded like this,

You're gonna want
to grab onto the poll,

Unless it's just
unpleasantly sticky,

Which it is.

You know what?
Just grab onto me.
Oh.

...he couldn't tell
if the city had changed...

There you go.

[ Coughing ]
...or he had.

[ Indistinct conversations ]

You are gonna love
this place.

They have the thickest steaks
in town.

Hey, which ho are we in --
soho, noho, boho?!

Oh, I do not remember
the prices being this high.

How can they charge that much
for a steak?

It's like the price
of thin steaks.

What, did it get
a college education

Before they k*lled it?

Uh, I doubt it.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Oh, wait, this is the lunch menu
I'm looking at.

So the dinner prices...

Okay, no, there is
no steak thick enough.

Let's go, fred.

[ Car horns honking ]

I can't believe I'm about to eat
a new york city hot dog.

Sheila says they're nothing
but sodium and pig lips.

Yeah, and I'm -- I'm pretty sure
they're $ , not $ .

Do you think
that guy scammed us

'Cause we look like
we're from out of town?

Oh,
I don't know about that.

That seems
awfully mean-spirited.

[ Chuckles ]

Hey, do you know
how to get

To the statue of liberty
from here?

Oh. [ Chuckles ]
I'm just visiting.

Although, I can see
how you would mistake me

For a denizen
of this bustling --

[ Australian accent ]
now, that's a Kn*fe!

Whoa.

Oh, hey, hey!

Somebody stop that guy!

He just robbed my friend!
Stop!

Okay, or just go
about your business

And ignore
the suffering of others.

[ Gasps ]
I just got mugged!

I love this town!

i'd been trying so hard
to draw a line between me

and the rest of chatswin
that...

i'd crossed it.

i owed evan
a sincere apology.

Evan: go away.

Evan.

I'm here to say sorry.

I'll even say it
in pirate speak.

I'm so-arry
for what happened last night.

Can I come in?

Okay.

I pretty much cried myself
to sleep on my birthday.

That's terrible.

Your words cut sharper
than a ginsu.

I feel awful.

I guess I just didn't realize
that was what you thought of me.

Look, it -- it doesn't matter
what I think of you.

I should've kept
my mouth shut.

You know,
sometimes I think it's easier

To focus on other people's
issues than your own.

I guess we're not so different
after all.

Not quite sure
how you got there, but --

Can I just have a hug?

Uh...

I guess.

Boy-yoi-yoing!

Okay, I am never talking to you
ever again!

Worth it. It happened,
and it was documented on video!

i may never be able to name
great things about evan,

but he did figure out

how to get an ass grab
on his birthday.

so I guess, if nothing else,
he's resourceful.

And you'd have to be to survive
years in chatswin.

Okay, george,

Tell me
everything about the city,

And don't leave out
a single detail.

Oh, yeah.

Okay, well, uh,
where do I begin?

Uh, there were
just these awesome crowds,

You know,
so many people just...

Energized...

Right in your face.
[ Clears throat ]

Uh, and all --
all our favorite hot spots

Became, you know...

Supremely expensive,
and the stench of urine just --

Hits you like a wall.

Bam.

I am so glad
I grew up in manhattan

And not chatswin.

Oh, my gosh.
Are you kidding me?

This place
with its courteous people

And low crime rate

And reasonably priced
thin steaks

And free refills
on your drinks --

It's the worst.

sometimes,
the way we see ourselves

doesn't exactly line up
with who we are,

and for george
came the surprise

that his hometown
didn't feel like home anymore.

somehow, someway,
he had become

more attached to chatswin
than he ever meant to.

[ Jingling ]

You guys get
a new lighting fixture?

Yeah,
it's a little much.

The crazy lady down the street
blackmailed us into buying it.

It doesn't exactly look like
it belongs here.

No, but...
I like it.

It's got character.

Young woman: no, you can't
get pregnant underwater.

So needless to say,
we're both taking scuba.

Yeah.
That's what "scuba" stands for.

"Sperm cannot underwater be
activated."

that's not
what "scuba" stands for,

but there was no point.

chatswin was
always going to be chatswin.

there was nothing I could do
to change that.

Tessa!

I hear you were talking
smack about me the other day.

Yeah. I'm sorry.

I have to learn
how to keep my mouth shut.

No, I liked it.

No one ever calls me out
on anything

Because I'm in a wheelchair,
but you did.

And I just want to say
thanks.

You're glad I called you
a two-faced klepto?

Because I am one,

And sometimes getting called out
makes you realize

It's time to change.

Here's your hoodie...

And your zucchini bread...

And your four
"d" batteries.

All this was in my --

Yeah, here's the combination
lock to your locker.

And I just want
to tell you to your face

That I've never really been
a big fan of yours.

Until now.

Thanks?

Here's
your travel mug.