03x13 - Stiiiiiiill Horny

Episode transcripts for the TV show "Suburgatory". Aired: September 28, 2011 –; May 14, 2014.
Series follows George, a single father who decides to move from NYC to the suburbs so he can give his teenage daughter a better life.
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03x13 - Stiiiiiiill Horny

Post by bunniefuu »

Tessa: some say your wedding day

is the most romantic day
of your life.

but others would argue it's
the day after your wedding.

[ Smooches ]

Good morning,
mrs. Lafrique.

Good morning,
mr. Mrs. Lafrique.

[ Chuckles ]

Ugh! While it may be
perfectly legal for you two

To consummate this marriage
as often as you like,

I doubt it's gonna get you
to school on time.

[ Vacuum whirring ]
oh! Sorry, dear!
I'm behind on my hoovering!

Are they consummating?!


[ Whirring stops ]
does "consummating" mean
what I think it means?

Are they [bleep]

That's what
I thought it meant.

Okay, out!
All of you, out!

So sensitive.

This is why people

Don't have their weddings
on a school night.

Alih jey: ♪ last night I had
a pleasant nightmare ♪

♪ Da-da-da-da

[ Dog barks ]

♪ Da, da, da, da

Dalia: okay.

lisa and malik's wedding was
notable for another reason --

it was the first school night
in my whole, entire life...

[ Barks ]

...that dad didn't come home.

You didn't actually think

That you were gonna sneak in the
back door unnoticed, did you?

Okay. So, hello.
Good morning.

And, yes,
you may have noticed

That I'm wearing
last night's clothes,

But that's only because --

I don't really need you
to paint a picture

For me on this one, george,
but thanks.

So, let me just say

That the assumption you made
is correct,

And, yes, although dallas
and I s-spent the night

with one another --

"Visiting"? Is that what people
your age call it?

It doesn't mean anything.

We're not -- it --
it was a one-time thing, okay?

We're all adults,

And it was a totally harmless
and unremarkable event.

It was a huge mistake!
Our lives are ruined!

Poor mommy.
I know how you feel.

My mouth almost hooked up
with a piece of wedding cake,

But, luckily,
I pulled out at the last minute.

Dalia, why would I do
such a stupid thing?

Because it was a wedding
and you were alone

And daddy altman looks good
in a suit

And the scent of jasmine
was in the air

And jasmine makes you horny

And "a different world"
was a great show --

And whatever happened
to jasmine guy? --

And you and daddy altman
were meant to be.

I will say...

The sex was amazing.

Shamwow, baby!

That's what
I'm talking about!

Did you, uh,
do it animal-style?

What does that mean?

I think...

It's with sautéed onions?

Okay. Then, no.
No, we didn't.

But I will say,
I needed that.

kind of rocked my world.

And we both totally know
what it's like

To get some good,
good sex.

[ Laughs ]
it's just like, "whoops!

I totally just had awesome sex
all over the place."

[ Chuckles ]

You have children, so I know
you've been with a woman,

But I got to say...
It sounds like you haven't.

I will take that
as a compliment.

Tessa: whoa,
this says you guys are allowed

To cheat off one another.

That --
that can't be right.

No, it's true.

In addition
to a bank account,

Married classmates
can legally share a gpa.

And we also get to share
a marriage locker.

[ Gasps ]

Look, sweetie,
it's a double-wide!

Wow, pretty sweet.
Oh, we also decided

To get a new joint
e-mail account.

So, from now on,
you can reach us both at

Lisaandmalikunitedinlove @

There were other

accounts at computerforyou.com?

Open your eyes, tessa.
Love is all around.

lisa was right.

it seemed like
wherever I looked,

people had things going on
in their lives.

lisa and malik had
their new marriage to share,

george had
a crazy wedding hookup,

and my ex-boyfriend ryan...
had june.

watching them dance
at lisa's wedding

made that painfully obvious.

but me, I was done with love,

and, for now, I just needed
a way to occupy myself.

It's good to see you
back at the club, george.

We've missed you.

Well, it's -- it's --
it's good to be here.

Thank you for inviting me.

[ Chuckles ]

[ Singsong voice ]
looks like someone

the sautéed onions.

[ Chuckles ]

What's that
supposed to mean?

Oh, nothing...dear.

It's good to see you, dallas.
You're looking well.

You too, daddy.
Is this seat taken?

Dallas, what are you doing?
What do you mean?

Isn't this
a little inappropriate?

How so?

George, could you pass
the sugar, please?

Dallas: oh, I'll pass it.

[ Ethereal music plays ]

fantasizing about dallas
had become a full-time job.

It's a problem.
I don't know what to do.

It's really interfering
with my work.

Is it?

Maybe these designs
are just...ahead of their time.

I, for one, would love
a buttocks bonus room.

It's not even
that I have feelings for dallas

Or I want to get back together,
but...it's just that night.

I can't
get it out of my head.

She's really
under my skin, fred.

You know, when I accidentally
feel something,

I write a letter.

A letter? To who?
To no one.

In one glorious letter,
you get it all out.

is too taboo or risque.

And then,
when the letter is writ,

You tuck it away
somewhere safe,

And then you never read it
or think about it

Or feel any of those feelings,
ever again.

How many of these --


I see.
Well, it's worth a sh*t.

Hey, hey, hey, and --
and may I keep these?

I really want to
try to sell sheila

On adding
a breastfast nook.

with my best friend
off nesting

and no boyfriend to speak of,

i had no other choice
but to find a new circle --

a knitting circle.

I was the first girl in my town
to straddle a bicycle seat.

Wow! Trailblazer.

Oh, hey, george.

Is that your brother?
He's my dad.

He lets you
call him "george"?

He tolerates it.

is he single?

Gertrude, knock it off!


Just because I'm doesn't mean
I'm not...still horny.

[ Laughter ]

Uh...tessa, could I
speak with you for a moment?

W-what the hell is that?

That's my quilting circle.
Aren't they a hoot?

Since when do you have a...
Quilting circle?

Ever since I found myself
with no friends, activities,

Or a love life.

They're helping me quilt
a wedding present

For lisa and malik,
and providing awesome stories

And a super-cool hang.

Uh-huh. Y-you don't...think
they're a little old for you?


Don't be ageist, george.

We're seniors.

[ School bell rings ]

[ Indistinct conversations ]

Tessa: hi, newlyweds.

Hello. [ Sighs ]

Is something wrong?

Now that we're married,
we decided

That malik should handle
our finances

And I should handle
our social calendar.


Not great.
He's nickel-and-diming me.

I'm not
nickel-and-diming you.

I-i'm just pointing out

That your special-order
vegan entrées

Cost three times what
a normal person's meal does.

I am not a normal person!
I am an above-average person.

Or, I used to be,
before your . Gpa

Dragged mine
through the mud.
[ Cellphone vibrates ]

Great. Y-you forgot
my grandmother's birthday.

We just
merged calendars today!

Which happens
to be her birthday!
Fine. I'll send flowers.

You know who doesn't have
any of these problems?

Esther, kay, gertrude,
and harriet.

All their husbands
are d*ad...and buried.

Must be nice for them.

I can't wait to be d*ad.
Trust me.

for lisa and malik,
the honeymoon was over,

but I was in the best
relationship of my life.

Come on, ladies.
Let's hit the road.

But it's still early.

[ Chuckling ]
oh, for you, maybe,

But we're pretty tired,
and we need to get home

To take out our teeth and hair
and eyeballs so we can relax.

Okay, that's cool, but you guys
are coming back tomorrow, right?

Because I have
the whole day clear.

We'll be here, tessa,
so climb off our jockstraps.

See ya.

maybe I was being
a little clingy,

but my heart
was in the right place.

george struggled to make sense

of what he was feeling.

didn't seem like the answer.

but songwriting did.

[ Guitar playing ]

and by morning,
george had a song and I had...

Oh, dear.

[ Ominous music plays ]

Hi, gals.

What the hell is this?!

I have been up all night.
Isn't it great?

Your hand is bleeding.

Oh, yeah.
This...happened around : a.m.

My eyes aren't as sharp
as my needles are.

That's an old person's

that's an eye-glass leash.

Even I don't
wear one of those.

Tessa, dear,
this afghan is completed!
[ Gasps ]

You're too young
to be staying inside

With a bunch
of old biddies.

You should be out there,

Being groped by a young man
in a porkpie hat.

What?! No!
No, that sounds...terrible.

We don't need men.

The five of us
are stitched together.

We're a...sewing sisterhood.

Sister, you must me mad!

not one of us here

Who wouldn't bag and sell the
others just to feel it again.

Feel what again?


Anyhow, you've still got
your original hips and knees.

You should be
out there using them.

Yes. Why don't you go on a date
with kay's grandson?

He's around your age.

[ Sighs ]

I-if it's important
to the sisterhood,

Yeah, I'll do it.

You're , right?

I'm .

Oh, esther has one
your age.

He's got freckles!

while the sisterhood
tried to force me

back onto the dating scene...

[ Humming ]
...george was still feeling
the aftershocks

of his one-night stand.

Between whose thighs?

Whoa. What?

Whose thighs were you
singing about just now?

[ Chuckles ]
was I singing?

It was very sultry.

Well, that's weird,

Because i-i didn't even realize
I was singing.

Must have been...something
I heard on the radio.

Sing it again.
I'll shazam it.

I'm -- actually, I'm -- I got to
take care of some things.

No, i-i want to shazam it,

Let me shazam it.

Well, no, sheila.
Why do you care?

George, I like to stay on top
of what's current.

I'm always the boot.
I haveto be the boot.

And that's how I feel
about the iron.

The iron?
and the newlyweds were finding

the games they played
before marriage...

were no longer fun.

The iron?
Yeah, it's the best piece
on the board!

[ Laughs ]
the iron is?

Oh, my god.
I feel like I don't know you.

No one suspects the iron.
They discount it.

And, slowly,
it irons its way to victory.

You sound like an idiot!

Okay, what's going on
over there?

Nothing, just...
[ Sighs ]

...having a little
marital dispute

[ Clears throat ]
...over which game piece
is the best.

The iron.
It is not the iron!

Fred: so, malik plays the iron,
and lisa's the boot.

What's the problem?

We can...do that?


I just thought,
since we were married...

We had to
share everything.

[ Laughs ]
goodness, no!

Being married,
you share less.

[ Chuckles ]
when you're dating,

It's all sunshine
and breastfast rooms.

[ Chuckles,
clears throat ]

But when you're married,
you finally get to be

Who you really are,
which, in malik's case...

Is the worst piece
on the whole board.

Isn't that the thimble?
Shut up, june.


Sorry. I thought we were
all thinking it.

No, we were not
all thinking it.

I was.

fred and sheila's advice
came just in time.

as for george,
the cure for what ailed him

came from
a less-expected source.

What's this?

Sign-up sheet
for the open mic.

Open mic?

That is why you're here,
isn't it?

I mean, you've been
singing to yourself

For the past minutes.

Uh, yeah. Of course.

That's --
that's why I'm here.

while george prepared
to pour his heart out,

i tried to find space
in mine for...arthur...


...esther's grandson.

That was fun.

[ Muffled ] oh.

I'm so sorry, arthur.

You seem like
a really nice boy.

I'm just going through

A really heavy
crafting period right now,

And...i don't have
romantic feelings...

For anyone...
Least of all, you.

Well...i feel like
you could have

Mentioned that
a little earlier,

Before I wasted
my saturday night and bucks.

I ordered a side salad.

You added chicken.

[ Door opens, closes ]
the truth was,
i was more of an old lady

than those old ladies were.

but, unlike them,
i was fine with it,

and I was home in time
to organize my yarn.

[ Indistinct conversations ]

Before I start, I'd just
like to thank the bartender

For lending me his guitar.

You guys like country music?

Yeah, me neither.

But, uh, that's just how
this one came out, so...

[ Clears throat ]

♪ I've never been
a traveling man ♪

♪ Felt the city
made me who I am ♪

♪ But still, sometimes,
I'm inclined to take a leave ♪

♪ In the north,
I know I'd meet with harm ♪

♪ And the west,
it never held no charm ♪

♪ But there is one place
that's got its hooks in me ♪

♪ If I could choose myself

♪ Honey, I'd lose myself

♪ In dallas

♪ Hmm

♪ Oh, the weather
gets much hotter there ♪

♪ Comes a feeling
that I can't compare ♪

♪ And dallas made a prisoner
out of me ♪

♪ I couldn't stay,
although I'd wanted to ♪

♪ But dallas leaves me
black and blue ♪

♪ But I'm lost
when I'm not in your company ♪

♪ If I could choose myself

♪ I'm trying to tell you
I would lose myself ♪

♪ When I'm beside myself

♪ I have to remind myself

♪ When I can't feel myself

♪ The only way to heal myself

♪ Is in dallas

[ Cheers and applause ]

Thank you.

after a standing ovation
and one encore,

george decided to visit
the actual dallas,

who'd been waiting
to hear what, if anything,

that one night meant to him.

♪ Say something,
I'm giving up on you ♪

I didn't know
if I should call, or...

[ Clears throat ]
...not call.

Well, somehow,
you managed to do both.

[ Chuckles ] right.

So, hey, ever since...
The other night,

I just feel
that everything

Has been flowing for me,

♪ I'll be the one,
if you want me to ♪
and I'm not
mad at you anymore.

Not for any of it.

♪ Anywhere,
I would have followed you ♪
I know our hooking up
[inhales] was weird,

But I honestly feel
it freed me.

♪ Say something,
I'm giving up on you ♪

Well, great.
You're free.

♪ And I
what -- did i...
Say something wrong?

♪ Am feeling so small
no, but you didn't
say anything right.

Look, for you, it might
have been fun and freeing.

♪ It was over my head
but for me...

♪ I know nothing at all
...it -- it wasn't.
It's -- it's messy.

And it shouldn't
have happened.

Okay, come on.
Dallas, don't be like this.

Can't we just...
Be friends?

♪ And I

♪ Will stumble and fall
no offense, george,
but being friends with you

Is about as much fun

As being kicked in the gut
by a donkey.

♪ I'm still learning to love

♪ Just starting to crawl
george didn't want a fight,
but dallas did.

she wanted george
to fight for her,

and I knew how she felt.

♪ Say something,
I'm giving up on you ♪
heading back?


I got a big geology final
this week.

If I don't figure out
what that means pretty soon,

I'm gonna be in trouble.

♪ I'm sorry
that I couldn't get to you ♪

it was nice seeing you.

It was good seeing you, too.

I'm glad
this is so normal.

♪ Anywhere,
I would have followed you ♪

Us. I'm...glad
that we can be friends.

It's nice.

Yeah. Me too.

Okay, well [chuckles]
I guess I'll see you...

♪ Say something,
I'm giving up on you ♪
...when you're...back in town
for the holidays.

Actually, it looks like

I'm...gonna be in vail this year
with june and her family.

♪ And I


I've never been away
for the holidays before.

♪ Will swallow my pride
but I guess it'd be stupid
to...pass it up.

I mean, it's vail.

♪ You're the one that I love
yeah, it's vail!

How could
you pass that up?


♪ And I'm saying goodbye
that's what I was thinking.

Okay, well, uh...

Drive safe.

♪ Say something,
I'm giving up on you ♪
yeah. Thanks.

Be cool.

♪ And I'm sorry
that I couldn't get to you ♪
be cool.

♪ Anywhere,
I would have followed you ♪

Tessa, dear.

That cut on your hand
has opened up again.

♪ Say something,
I'm giving up on you ♪
yeah, I know.

It's a hard place
to put a band-aid.

It keeps falling off.

You know what I do
when a band-aid won't stick?

I take a piece of tape,
but, you know, the good kind,

And you have to
use your own...

♪ Say something
and that's when I realized

the cut on my hand
wasn't the only injury.

ryan was my wound
that wouldn't heal.

and maybe, just maybe,
he wasn't meant to.

♪ Day

♪ After day
there was a reason
i'd been hiding

behind my crochet needles,

and that reason was ryan shay.

♪ I will walk

even after all this time...

♪ And I will play
...there was still
something between us.

♪ Why can't I get
just one kiss? ♪

♪ There may be some things
that I wouldn't miss ♪

♪ But I look at your pants,
and I need a kiss ♪

Can I get you a ginger ale?

♪ Why can't I get
just one screw? ♪

♪ Believe me,
I know what to do ♪

♪ But something won't let me
make love to you ♪

[ Horn honks ]

[ Horns honking ]
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