06x08 - Guilt by Imagination

[bunniefuu]

Hey, Fred, you want
to grab something

At the lunch box
with me?

Jackie'll be there.

As will your
unborn child.

No, I got to stop
running after her.

Think i've asked her out
times now.

She always says now.

It's as if she doesn't
want to go out with me.

Fred, allow me
to offer you

A small dating tip.

Ears.

Excuse me?

Jackie's a little
sensitive

About her ears.

She thinks
they're too big.

Gee, I never noticed.

Just like a man.

Trust me on this one.

Every woman has a body
part they worry about.

You zero in
on the right one,

You can get anything
you want.

Okay. Thanks.

Dan.
Yeah?

You're looking particularly
slender today.

I'll put through that
raise immediately.

Excuse me, does
Dan conner work here?

No, he's the boss.

Uh, i'm Phyllis Zimmer.

I'm an old friend of
Danny's from high school.

Do you think
it would be okay
if I went in there?

Okay, but don't make
too much noise.

I just put him
down for his nap.

[valley girl accent]
oh, my god!

It's Dan Conner,
the big football star.

[gasps]

I think he
looked at me.

Phyllis Zimmer.

My god!

What in the world
are you doing here?

Well, i'm in town
for a couple of days,

And I was driving
by the school,

Thanks.

You look exactly
the same.

No, I don't!

So, uh, you in
charge of this place?

Oh, yeah! This is
my office, desk, chair.

I usually wear a tie,
but today it was dirty.

Very impressive.

Who's that?
Nobody.

But my family.

Very nice.

I see you're still
married to Roseanne.

Oh, yeah.

She's great.

Am I making you
uncomfortable?

I mean, you know,
because of our...thing.

[scoffs]
aw, come on,

Hey, hey, that
was years ago.

We were in
high school!

Me and Roseanne were
broke up at the time.

Roseanne ever
find out about us?

Yeah.

False, false,
crown, bridge.

I guess she probably
wouldn't want us
to go to lunch then.

Nah, she wouldn't care.

She's be okay.

She wouldn't mind.

She could come with us.

Yeah, she could,
she could.

I could call her
and she could come,

But she's working.

Then it's just
you and me.

I guess so.

Hey, we could go to
the place we used to go.

Well, under
the bleachers

Is an unusual
spot for lunch,

But, hey,
what the hell?

[nervous laugh]

[theme]

Hey, Jackie.

Hi, Fred.
Think fast.

Earrings?

Oh, I can't take
these from you.

Come on, I saw 'em
in a store

And they just,
I don't know,

Made me think
of your ears.

What? What about 'em?

They're just petite,
you know? Delicate.

Oh, well, thanks.

Can't really take
credit for that.

Although I have
always tried

To sleep on them
evenly.

Well...Guess i'll
see you around.

You know, Fred, um...

Maybe if we went out
to dinner again sometime

It wouldn't
be that bad.

Really?

So if I asked you
to go out with me

Tonight at :
for dinner,
you'd say yes?

Yeah, I would.

That's good to know.

Fred!

: ?

Yeah, deal.

So what's Dan
doing today?

Oh, he's having lunch
with some old friend
from high school.

Oh, yeah? Who?
Maybe I know him.

I think it was
phyllis zimmer.

[gasps]

My god, really?

No, maybe not.

Not if it's gonna get
Dan in trouble.

Well, it could.

They slept together
in high school.

If Roseanne
finds out about this,
she's gonna freak out.

Well, she doesn't
have to find out.

Well, I can't lie
to my sister.

I don't think
it would be wrong.

No, I mean I can't
lie to my sister.

I always try,
she can always tell.

[Roseanne]
Jackie, come here a minute.

I'm busy!

No, you're not!

See?

Hi, Fred.
Where's Dan?

Well, hey, look
what Fred gave me.

Look at that.

Says he can't stop
thinking about my ears.

That's sweet, isn't it.

Just what you
want to hear

From somebody
who's seen you naked.

So, uh, Fred,

How come Dan didn't
come down with you?

Well, Dan couldn't come

Because he had to have
lunch at a seminar.

Had to go to a motor
seminar in Dekalb.

Where they...seminar
on all the motors

That they'll be using.

Well, Fred, how come
you didn't go with him?

Who, Fred?

Well, Fred...
Fred was gonna go.

And--and, uh...

Fred?

It's only for bosses.

Ah.

Well, I guess Dan
finally gets to lead

That glamorous
powerful life

That he's always
dreamed of.

I feel just like
Jackie Kennedy.

It's only for bosses.

That's really amazing
the way you just did that.

That's...

Weren't lying about
my ears, were you?

Hey, Jackie.

Dan.

Roseanne's
in the kitchen.

Chicken's in the fridge.

No, no, that's okay.
I already had lunch.

Usual place.

I always eat
at the same place.

I'm very loyal that way.

I'm a very
loyal luncher.

What exactly are we
saying about lunch, Jackie?

I know, Dan.

Oh, jeez.

What happened?

What do you mean
what happened?
Nothing happened.

All right,
I believe you,

But it was still
really, really bad.

You took out the one
woman in the world

Roseanne never wanted you
to see again to lunch.

How could you do that?

I don't know.
It was noon.
I was hungry.

Remember how nuts she
went when she found out

What you guys did
in high school?

Yeah, and we're
not gonna put her

Through that again,
are we?

No, of course not.

Dan, Roseanne is very
sensitive about this.

And we know how
dangerous she is

When she gets
sensitive.

So if you
don't tell her

Then there's
no problem.

Yeah, there is!

'cause you made me
lie to my sister.

Oh, man, you
lied to her?

She always knows
when you lie to her!

It's okay.

Told her a really
good one this time.

[Roseanne]
Jackie, is that you?

What are you doing?

I'm...watching
the game with Dan.

Go, team!

[tv on, changing channels]

First down Buffalo
at the yard line.

You are the worst!

Jackie, get in here!

What'd you tell her?

I told her that
you went to Elgin
to a motor seminar.

What the hell's
a motor seminar?

I don't know!

Ask Roseanne.

She's the one
that bought it.

Oh, milky way bars
in the pudding.

What's the occasion?

[chuckles]

Oh, Dan did the coolest
thing, you know?

Right after he finished
with that motor seminar,

He came right home,
he called in sick,

And we spent
the whole afternoon,

You know, doing it.

He had sex with you
after...that?

Oh, yeah, but it
wasn't just sex.

I mean, it was like
the best sex

We have ever had
since, uh...

Since we started
having sex.

My god!

Oh, chill out,
Jackie.

It's not like
I told you

That we did it
in here or nothing.

We did it in here.

Hey, girls.

What are you
talking about?

Well, we're talking
about you?
Really?

Yeah, I was just
telling Jackie

How you were showing me
all that stuff

That you learned
about motors.

Vroom vroom!

Oh, yeah, yeah.

That trip to elgin
really paid off.

I thought you said
it was in dekalb.

Uh...

Jackie said
it was Dekalb?

No, no. Motor seminars
are always in Elgin.

What were you thinking?
I don't know.

Elgin, Dekalb, I...

See, it was originally
scheduled for Dekalb,

And then they moved it
to Elgin.

They moved it to Elgin
from Dekalb.

That explains it.

Oh, I totally believe
everything that you guys
are saying.

See, that makes liars
of all three of us.

Okay.

Dan and I were planning
a big surprise party

For your birthday
last month.

I'm so bad at this.

Look, Rosie.

Jackie thought she
could help me by lying,

But the whole thing
is no big deal.

I had lunch
with an old friend

Who was passing
through town.

We talked about you
the whole time.

You remember
Phyllis Zimmer.

God, she really
likes you.

Honey, it was
only lunch.

Honey?
Oh, god.

This is really bad.

Yeah, I know.

Oh, no, I mean
this is really bad.

I'm parked behind her.

Oh, man.

Rosie's never
left before.

Well, never would
have happened

If you hadn't been
with another woman.

"been with"?

I had lunch
with Phyllis.

And?
And you lied
about it badly.

And you came home
and had sex with Roseanne.

How do you think
that made her feel?

Pretty damn happy
judging from this pudding.

No, it was
humiliating.

Dan, you were thinking
about Phyllis

While you were having
sex with Roseanne.

Oh, well, that is just
completely and totally
not true!

So there's no
connection at all

Between you having
lunch with Phyllis today

And having sex
with Roseanne?

For your information,
Jackie,

I have had sex with
Roseanne many times

Without having lunch
with Phyllis,

So your whole theory
goes right out the window.

Okay, I just got
one question.

If you're completely innocent,
you did nothing wrong,

Why do you think your wife
just stormed out that door?

Why are you here?

You don't live here.

You're not married to
anyone in this house.

Why don't you go
out that door,

Get a life of your own?

Then you can screw that up
instead of messing with mine!

You want to know
how innocent I am?

I could have.

Could have what?

She wanted me,
Jackie.

How do you know that?

Men know.

She did the eyelash thing.
She did the hip thing.

She did all the things.

I could have had her
right then and there,

But I never even
thought about it!

You could have
"had her."

The Ramada was
right next door.

The vacancy sign
was on.

And if I was a different
kind of guy,

I could have had lunch,
Phyllis, a quick shower,

And been back
at work by : .

Well, it's a good thing
you never thought about it!

[man on tv]
that's how the weather
is shaping up today.

Now back to Charles
in New York.

Well, good morning, America.
I'm Charles Gibson.

And i'm Joan Lunden.

[tv off]

Rosie?

Where is mom?
I need breakfast.

She's not
in the bedroom?

Nope. I don't think
she slept here.

The bed's not messed up.

Oh, don't be
silly, D.J.

You know
how sometimes

Your mom sleeps
on the floor

Because she doesn't
want to make the bed.

Come on, i'll cook
you breakfast.

You don't know
how to cook.

I'll barbecue
you breakfast!

So, how do you
like your eggs, sport?

Hey, did you ever
see the movie Rocky?

Mom didn't come
home, did she.

Deej, you need to eat
some healthy food.

Hey! How 'bout some
cream-style corn?

I'm not hungry.

I know, we can have mommy's
pudding for breakfast.

It's fortified
with milky ways.

Why aren't you
telling me

Where mom is?

Deej...

Your mom and I had
a little fight last night.

You guys always fight.

Yeah, but this time
I guess I messed up
pretty good.

You're not gonna get
a divorce, are you?

I'm the only kid
in my class

Whose parents are
married to each other.

Don't worry, son.

Your mom's coming home.

Everything's
gonna be okay.

Why don't you go
upstairs and get ready,

And i'll drive you
to school.

[door opens, shuts]

Hey. Roseanne
get back?

Oh.

Really scary, huh?

Yeah, it is.

You want me to
make you some coffee?

Jackie, my wife's gone,

My son is worried we're
gonna get a divorce,

And it's all my fault.

I'll make you
a big pot.

I don't know how I
could have been so selfish.

Well, Dan, you
couldn't have known

That Roseanne would
react so badly.

We've been married
long enough.

I should know exactly
how she'd react.

Then why did you go
to lunch with phyllis?

'cause she walked in

And it was like I
was years younger.

It just felt good.

Not many people make me
feel that way anymore.

The last few years
i've just felt

So damn resistible.

Dan...That's crazy.

Yeah, well, whatever.

Dan, there's
a lot of women

Find you
very attractive.

Yeah, right.

Who?

You should hear what some
of the women customers

Say about you down
at the lunch box.

What?

Well, I promised
not to tell,

But let's just
say the phrase

"fine piece of tail"
was used quite often.

Jackie, you know,
you're getting

A whole lot better
at this lying thing.

I'm back.

Well, now you got cable.

Dan...

He's worried sick
about where you are.

He just feels
horrible.
Cool.

No, he feels
really, really bad.

It's kind of
a mid-life thing.

Guys get to this point
in their life

Where they have to
bolster their ego.

It's not unhealthy.

It can be
a natural phase

In a loving
relationship.

What are you doing?

I'm trying to turn down
the Oprah show

So I can hear you
better.

Oh, wait a minute.

That's not Oprah.
That's you.

He just wanted somebody
to think he was,

You know, attractive.

Oh, poor boy.

Dan doesn't think
he's attractive.

Well, life is
tough, Jackie.

Sometimes I don't think
dan's attractive either.

Oh, come on, Roseanne.
Cut him a break.

It was--it was lunch!

Yeah, when I feel
all old and crummy,

You don't see me
having lunch

With donnie van steenus.

Donnie van steenus
is dead.

Well, be that
as it may, Jackie,

Not all my old
boyfriends are dead.

I'm sure I could rustle up
one or two of 'em

That would be willing
to buy me a sandwich.

Haven't you punished
Dan enough?

He had sex with phyllis
all afternoon.

He didn't have sex
with Phyllis.

Yes, he did, Jackie.
He just used my body.

And let me tell you
something.

She's been getting it
a whole lot better
than I have lately.

You don't know what was
going on in Dan's mind.

Maybe Phyllis just
made him feel good
about himself,

And the important thing
is he came home to you.

In his mind, he was
having sex with Phyllis!

Okay?

Can't believe he let that
woman on my kitchen table.

All right, what if he did?

Haven't you ever
fantasized about anybody?

No, not about anybody
that I, you know,

Could really get.

Except for Fabio.

Come on.

No, it's true.

Fabio, he could
show up in Lanford,
you know,

And be looking around

For a loose meat
sandwich.

You are never
going to get fabio.

[shouts]
why do you have
to ruin it for me?

Well, anyway,
so you have fantasized.

It is very
different, Jackie.

How?

Because haven't you heard
of the double standard?

And besides,
Dan lied to me.

He just--he lied
to protect you.

Well, he didn't
protect me, Jackie.

He just made me feel
really, really horrible.

Well, you made him feel
really, really horrible back.

He's sitting on a couch

Scares his wife
is off someplace.

You won this one.

Can't you just
be big about it?

[sighs]
oh...

So you really think
he's sitting over there

All by himself
on the couch?

Yes.

All right.

Well, I guess I can
go talk to him.

You bought it,
didn't you.

Dan's here. I said
he was home, but he's here.

Hey.
Hey.

I didn't sleep very well
without you last night.

Yeah, but you
still slept, right?

Rosie, i'm sorry.
Please come home.

Do you wanna go
somewhere and talk?

Yeah, I guess.
No, I can't,

Because I have to go
to the school first

And make sure D.J.
got a decent lunch.

Don't worry about it,
I made him lunch.
You did?

No, I lied again.
Isn't it great?

Glad you're back.

I'm glad for you.

I think it's great we have
the kind of relationship

Where we can
talk about stuff.

Especially if one of us
is completely in the wrong

And you're completely
in the right.

Dan, just get naked and show
me how sorry you are.

If you want to think
about other men sometimes,

It's okay with me.
I can live with that.

I don't need to do that,
Dan, unlike some people.

I have evolved.

[dan's voice]
Rosie, i'm just glad you
love me for who I am.

I know i'm not perfect.

In my eyes,
you're pretty close.

I washed my armpits
with a washcloth.
Just the way you like it.

Dan, don't talk.