06x15 - David vs. Goliath

[bunniefuu]

All right,
Mrs. Conner,

I finished moppin'
the bathroom.

[sighs]

Well, i'd check
your work,

But I don't
feel like movin'.

I'll tell you what.

Why don't you
just clean

From here to there.

Where are you
pointing?

The horizon.

Come on,
Mrs. Conner.

Ever since you
caught me at Darlene's,

You've been working me
like a dog.

And the beauty of
being a working dog

Is that you don't
get put to sleep.

You know,
all this punishment

Isn't teachin' me
a thing.

Oh, really?

Well, maybe you could
learn a lesson

If I would tell
the big, strong,

Fiercely protective
Mr. Conner

That you were
shacking up

With his daughter.

Hey.

Hey, how's my
big, strong,

Fiercely protective
husband?

Exhausted.

But you'd still
k*ll for me, right?

Yeah, sure.
Why not?

Scrub brush.

I'll start here.

David, this new
obsession of yours

With housework
concerns me.

Mrs. Conner's
always said

That a clean house
is the devil's playground.

Yes, that's true,

But David feels,
and I must agree,

That cleaning is the least
he can do for us

After us taking him back

After running away
to live with--

My mom.

I know you probably had
to do this kind of stuff

To make your mom happy,

But there's nobody
here to be scared of.

Take the rest
of the day off.

Hmm.

David!

When you clean out
the refrigerator,

Don't throw away
the moldy buns.

D.J. Thinks
it's chia bread.

You heard Mr. Conner.

He said take the rest
of the day off.

Well, isn't that funny?

I thought he said,

"if anybody has
been messing around

"with my daughter,

I'm going to crush him
like a beer can."

David, i'm done
with this page.

[theme]

[laughs]

Hey, David,
remember in Chicago

When I caught you
in Darlene's bathroom?

Yeah.

Remember how you
gave me that money

So I wouldn't
tell anyone?

Yeah.

I want more.

I haven't got
any more.

Well, you better
get more quick,

Or i'll tell dad.

D.J., do you know
what you're doing?

You're--you're
blackmailing me.

That's not nice.

So?

All right, look.

If you tell
your dad about me,

I'll tell your mom
that you knew

About Darlene and me
since christmas
and didn't tell her.

Go ahead.
I don't care.

Mrs. Conner.

I care, I care!

Yes, David?

Uh...Is this shiny
enough to blind you?

It'll do.

But, gee, the carpet
looks old.

Make it look
new again.

I don't think--

Oh, don't tell me
how you're gonna do it.

Just surprise me.

Hey, Becky.

Uh, tell Mark thanks

For fixin'
that blender for me.

Boy, I should've
known that he'd know
right what to do,

You know, since
it's like a miniature
truck motor.

Oh, well, it was
no problem for him,

Seeing as he's a really,
really good mechanic.

Right, dad?

Yeah, the list goes
me, Mark, Goober Pyle.

Well, i'm glad
to hear that,

'cause mom said you
have an opening down
at the garage

And that Mark
could probably get it.
Is that true?

Why did you
tell her that?

Well, we were just...
You know...Sittin' around

Talkin' about trucks
and garages. You know,
girl talk, and...

It just came up.

Is it true?

It's true.

Except for the part
about Mark gettin'
the job.

Sorry, no.

Well, why not, Dan?
You used to work
with him.

You think he's
a good mechanic.

Look, most guys work
for the city a year

Before they start hirin'
all their relatives.

It won't look right
if I jump the g*n.

Oh, fine. Then
we'll never
have any money

And we'll just
live here forever!

You can put away
your own damn
groceries, dad!

Thanks for turnin'
my daughter against me,
Roseanne.

Well, actually,
I had you all set up

To be the big hero,
but you had to spoil it

With that "no" business.

It would've been
nice of you to run
this little idea

By me before tellin' it
to Mark and Becky.

Dan, have you never heard
of the element of surprise?

From now on,
I want to know

What's goin' on
in this house

Before it blows up
in my face.

No more secrets.
Understood?

Mrs. Conner,
i'm gonna att*ck
that mildew problem now.

Well, David,
Mr. Conner says

That we are not to have
any more secrets
in this house.

Really.

I'm afraid so.

Dan...

[inhales deeply,
exhales]

...We have
a mildew problem.

Is Jackie around?

Yeah. She must be
out in the back.

You got the goods?

I'm sick of havi''
to trick Jackie
like this.

I shouldn't have to
support my baby

By sneakin' money
into a tip jar.

Well, I told you
if you write a check,
she's gonna catch on.

Hey, Jackie!

Fred.

How you feeli''
today?

Lovely...Fred.

If I could do
a backbend,
i'd be a camel.

Wow! Look
at all my tips!

Um...No, those
are jackie's tips.

No, they're not.
She got nauseous, and
I took over her table.

I knew this pushup bra
would bring in
the extra dough.

No. This guy
came in yesterday

And says he forgot
to tip the waitress
with the real breasts.

So $ of that
is jackie's.

[clears throat]
! [coughs]

Remember, Nancy?

Oh...Right!

That guy
from yesterday.
Okay.

Oh, you--oh, the man
with the glasses

Who kept drinkin' coffee.

Uh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
He really liked you.

There was no man.

Where's this money
comin' from?

You don't have
any money.

And you don't know
what's goin' on.

Damn it, Fred.

Well, you wouldn't
take any money
directly from me,

So roseanne's
been putting it
in the tip jar.

Well, not
all of it.
I took some.

I mean...

You have your
pride, Jackie.

Well, Fred,
it's not your baby.
It's mine.

What makes you think
you have any say
in how I raise my child?

I just want
to be involved
with this baby.

Why can't you
let me help?

You want to help?
Quit pressuring me.

Quit tryin' to butt in.
Just leave me
the hell alone.

God, Jackie.
Well, how many times
do I have to tell him?!

I think that'll
be the last.

[door bangs]

Well, that
was really stupid.

No, it wasn't. As far
as i'm concerned,

Kids grow up fine
as long as they have
one decent parent.

Oh, man.
Would you please

Stop quoting
that Murphy Brown?

I wanna go over
to Easy Miller's house.

No, not till
you clean your room.

Well, you wouldn't
want me to tell dad

About what's goin' on
around here, would you?

Oh, no, D.J.

Now that you have
all this information,

You have all the power
and I have nothing.

I guess you'll be ruling
the roost around here
from now on.

Whatever will I do?

All right,
i'll clean my room!

Hey, Rosie.
Hey, David!

How's my favorite
almost son? Mmhh.

I can't take this.

Oh, what,
he barely touched you.

I gotta tell him.
Mrs. Conner,

We all live our lives
by certain rules,
and I like to believe

That nothing bad
can happen to me as long
as I tell the truth.

Oh, my god.
How did your mother
raise you?

David!

Hey, Mr. Conner.

David,
can't you see
Mr. Conner

Is busy watchi''
the news?

Can I talk
to you?

Just a sec.

David, um,
that's our best china
soaking in there,

And if it soaks
too long,

The pattern
will come off.

I'm sorry, Mrs. Conner.
I have to do this.

Mr. Conner,
you don't know this,
but I was in Chicago.

Oh...[coughs]
and he went
to a cubs game,

And it was
the most boring story
i've ever heard.

Blah, blah,
blah, blah. Go do
the dishes, David.

No.

[turns off tv]

Mr. Conner,
when I was gone,

I wasn't living
with my mom.

I was livin'
with Darlene.

It was a stupid thing
to do, and i'm sorry.

Very sorry.

Oh, god,
i'm sorry.

You lyin'
little bastard!

You got minutes
to pack up your crap
and get outta my house.

Mrs. Conner will drive you
to the bus station.

I don't want
to look at you.

God! You believe
this, Roseanne?!

No. I was stunned
when I first heard.

What do you mean,
when you first heard?

You know...
Just...Now.

And, uh...Oh, man,
now i'm kind of
in shock.

You take a kid
into your house, and this
is how he pays you back?

I bet I know why he's been
doin' all those chores
around here.

He's got
a guilty conscience.

I never want to see
the kid again.

Damn!

Great. He wrecks the place
right after he fires my maid.

Anybody home?

I'm in the nursery.

Hi, Jackie.
You want any help
with that crib?

Oh, yeah, right,
like, you came
all the way down here

To talk about this crib.
This is so obvious.

Crib, baby, Fred.

You wanna talk about Fred.

No, I don't want
to talk about Fred.

See? There. You just
brought him up again.

Well, what can I say?
I'm obsessed.

Look, I don't feel bad
about what happened.

It's better now. He
knows where he stands,
and that's that.

You know, I got
bigger problems
to talk to you about

Than whether or not
you made Fred cry.

I made Fred cry?

Let's not talk
about him!

Fred is a grownup.
He can take
care of himself.

He's not some teenager
like poor David.

Why? What happened to David?

Dan found out he was
livin' with Darlene
in chicago,

And he kicked him
outta the house.

Oh, my god.
Where is he now?

I don't know.
He could be anywhere...

Livin' on the street...

Eatin' out
of a dumpster.

Standing in your hall.

Roseanne, no.
Please.

He cannot stay here.
I can't deal
with that now.

Please. Just
tell David i'm sorry.

I can't do that,
Jackie. It'll
just crush him.

You tell him. David!

Hey, Jackie.

[sweetly]
hi, David.

You don't want me
to stay, huh?

It's not that
I don't want you
living here, David,

Because I do.
It's just that
i'm not even allowed

To have a cat here,
let alone a boy.

Jackie, you own
this house.

I know that.
These are my rules.

Hey, look,
it's all right.

Look, Mrs. Conner,
I really think
I should just...

Get on a bus
back to my mom's.

Oh...God. How would he--
how long would he
have to stay?

Not too long at all.

I think it'll only
take me a couple of days

To make, you know,
Dan feel guilty enough
to take him back.

Two years
at the most.

We're just pretending
like I have a choice
here, right?

Right.

All right, David,
get your stuff.
You can sleep here.

[sighs
exasperatedly]

I knew it.
I knew it.

I knew that
if I brought him
over here

And you saw his little
puppy-dog face

That you could not
turn him away.

Well, I guess you
know me pretty well.

Got another
surprise for you.

Fred, come here!

made you look,
made you look

I finished puttin'
the crib together.

So, uh...I'll get started
on this drawer tomorrow.

So...Good night.

David.

Do you think of me
as a mean person?

You? No. No way.

I mean, you're
letting me stay here
and everything.

I think
you're really nice.

Well, you're wrong.

I'm a horrible,
horrible woman.

The worst.

I don't even think
I have a heart.

I'm like
the tin man,

All hollow inside.

See, I--i'm not
sure what to say.

Usually when Darlene
says somethin' like that,

It's a trick.

It's been three days,
David.

Fred hasn't
come by the diner.
He hasn't called.

I wanted him gone,
but not like this.

He's probably sitting
at home crying still.

No. No. It's
different for guys.

I mean, Darlene
used to say

Mean stuff to me
all the time,

And I never
took it personally
or anything.

Really?

Yeah. And now
that we broke up,

It's a good thing.
You know?

I mean, i'm--
i'm even starting

To think about
seeing other people.

You are?

Yeah.

In fact, i've got

A couple of girls
lined up already.

Oh. Well...
[laughs]

[unconvinced]
that's good.

That makes me feel
a lot better.

Yeah, i'm doin'
much better now.

Here you're starting
to see other people,

And...Fred's
a swinging single,

And...Look at me.
I'm just a wall...

[chuckles]
a wall of baby.

Who could love this?

Oh, come on.
Lots of people.

Yeah. Right.

I mean, sure, you're--
you're big and all,
but...

...That doesn't mean
you're not still
great to be around

And really funny
and just beautiful.
Oh...

[sighs]

You mean that?

I do. Honest.
Oh, David.

[sniffles]

Look at you.

You...Broke up
with your girlfriend

And Dan kicked you
outta the house,

And you're tryin'
to cheer me up.

[sniffles]
you're really special.

I don't think
we should be
doin' this.

What?

I mean, don't...
Get me wrong.

It--it's not that
i'm not attracted
to you.

I--I am. But...
I'm still really
confused about Darlene,

And I think
it would just
kinda be a mistake

If we...You know?

What?!

Oh, god.

You and me?

[laughing]
are you serious,
David?

You're just
a little child!

[laughs]

Oh, god, that hurts.

[laughing]
oh, David,
thank you.

Thank you.
You really know how

To pick a girl up
out of the doldrums.

I thought
you'd like that.

Sorry i'm late.
I stopped
at the market

To pick up
some groceries.

Got ice cream,
cookies, candy.

Dan, did it
ever occur to you

That we shop like our parents
are gone for the weekend?

Well...I still haven't
heard a thing from David.

Jeez, tell a guy
to get the hell out
and never come back,

And this is
how he treats ya.

Well, I know you did
the right thing, Dan.

I'm just glad that you
were the one that made
the decision.

I--I just never
could live with myself

After I heard the stuff
his mom says to him.

Roseanne,
we had no choice.

Yeah, I know that.
I'm just sayin'
I couldn't have done it.

He's a big kid. He can
take care of himself.

Now, I don't want to hear
another word about it.

Fine. I--I won't
bring him up again.

David!

I mean, dinner!

Need any help, mom?

Oh, no.
Let me do it.

You've been serving
people all day.

I've only
been doin' it
for years.

Gee, I miss David.

Well, D. J.,
your father and I have
made a decision, now,

And we are gonna
stick with it.

David did a very bad thing,

And we do not
need anybody

Second-guessing
the extreme severity
of his punishment.

If I do something
really bad,

Does that mean you'll
get rid of me, too?

D.J., is that the message
we're sending you?

What's the matter?

I don't know.

I just don't
feel like eatin'.

[clicks tongue]

Uh, Dan,

Don't tell me

You're startin'
to feel guilty.

No, Roseanne, i'm not.
I'm just not hungry.
Okay?

Well, god, Dan, don't
be so defensive!

I said, "if you're
feelin' guilty,"

Then there is
still time to do
somethin' about it!

Yeah, you're right.

Of course i'm right,
Dan. Don't you know
who I am?

Mark, if you're
still interested

In that job
at the garage,
it's yours.

What?
Are you--are
you serious, Dan?

Yeah. I figure
it'll be okay

As long as you don't ask
for any special favors.

You start tomorrow.

[sighs] come in
about noon, : ,

Whenever you
feel like it.

Thanks, dad!

[sighs] hey.
[chuckles]

Feel better
already.

Well, the guilt thing
really worked.

Thanks, Mrs. Conner.

Yeah, I really know

How to make things
happen around here.

Every time I look
at david's empty chair,
feels like our whole--

Ahh, can it.

Ms. Harris,
what are you doin'?

Have you got a light?

No. [chuckles]

David, what
do you think of me?

What do you mean?

Well, you've known me
for quite a few years now.

You must've formed...
Some opinion of me.

Well...I think

You're a very...
Nice person.

Do you find me
desirable?

Sure. I think you're
the most attractive

Of all darlene's aunts.

What are you drinking?
Bourbon?

Ms. Harris, you're
tryin' to seduce me.

[laughs]

Aren't you?

God. David, we've
been through this before!

You're just a child!