06x20 - Past Imperfect

[bunniefuu]

[harmonica]

I'm so sick of this.

Your dad is not leaving
that greasy engine

Out on the lawn
for one more day.

It's starting to
attract stupid guys
in t-shirts.

I wouldn't bother him
right now, mom.

He's real upset
'cause grandma called

And she needs
money from us.

Well, we are not
giving that crazy woman

Any more of our money.

Last time we did that,

She spent it all
on dionne warwick

And her psychic friends.

D.J., your shoes
are caked with mud!

Get 'em off my couch!

Okay.

You know, uh, D.J.,

This rebellious phase
you're going through...

Is over.

Go take off
those muddy shoes.

Roseanne!

We got to talk
about my mother.

Okay, you want to talk,
we'll talk.

I got something
to tell you,

And I don't want
any grief, understand?

My dad missed
an alimony payment.

I got to give
my mom some money,

And i'm not talking
or bucks here.

It's more like .

Well, god, Dan.

I mean, it is
your mother.

Did you think
i'd object?

What kind of a person
do you think I am?

I'm sorry.

Just...I'm so upset
with my dad.

Why the hell can't he
ever just be a man?

Well, gee, mom,

You sure handled him.

Well, Becky,
you really have

To look at
the big picture.

Now, your father's
in a bad mood,

Instead he'll yell
at somebody else,

Blow off some steam,

And then i'll
go at him.

Okay, mom,
I took off my shoes.

You are just
so clever, D.J.

You outwit me
at every turn.

I just don't even
know what to say.

Thanks.

Could you do your real
stupid mother a favor?

Would you go
ask your dad

To move his engine
off the front lawn?

Okay.

[theme]

[door opens]

You're late.

We'd have been
here sooner

If she hadn't spent
so much time

Putting on
the makeup.

Well, it's a little
hard to apply eyeliner

When something's
suckling on your boob.

I know, that's why
I make Dan dress

In the other room.

Baby...
Little baby.

I'll be right back.

I'm just gonna
top him off.

We really appreciate
you watching him
for us, Roseanne.

Lately it's been
kind of hard for us to
get any time together.

Yeah, well,
who would have thought

That a screaming,
leaking bundle of smells

Would k*ll the romance?

I don't think
it's the baby.

I think it's just
that Jackie

Is a little hard
to get close to.

I mean, I know she
hasn't had a lot of
experience with men.

[chuckles]

What?

Hey.

So...Fred,
you're worried

That Jackie hasn't
had enough experience
with men.

[snorts]

Yeah.

[Jackie]
Roseanne, can you
come here a minute?

Well, trust me, Fred,

You've got nothing
to worry about.

Jackie knows her way
around a man.

We could blindfold her

And she could
take one apart

And put him right
back together again.

Well, Fred,
you and Jackie

Dropping the baby
off here

And going out
on a date.

Things getting serious
between you two?

Has she really been out
with a lot of guys?

Ah, Fred...

When doing a background
check on a girlfriend,

It's rarely wise to
ask the brother-in-law.

Especially when his wife
is the ham-fisted Roseanne.

Let me just say this
about jackie's past.

Hoo-ah!

The head.
The head!

Oh, please, Jackie,
haven't you noticed

That i've gotten
a lot better at this
by now?

I mean, d.J.'s neck
is a lot less bent
than becky's.

I love my sweetie.
Bye-bye.

Okay, we want to go.

Yeah, you better go,

'cause we got a couple
of buyers coming over

To look at him.

See you later.

I got to get
to mom's.

Well, don't you want
to play with the baby
for a few minutes first?

We're not gonna play
the last one

That touches him
changes him, are we?

No, the last time
we did that

You didn't touch
d.J. For two years.

Mmm.

Oh, this is nice.

God, Dan, when
I look at him,

I think that
anything's possible.

You know, he could be
president someday.

Remember when we
used to have hopes
for our own kids?

Kind of relaxed
there, huh?
Yeah.

Well, that's good.

I don't want you to give
your mother any money.

Roseanne, we've
been over this.

Well, Dan, she's
just gonna do

Something loopy
with it.

I mean, how many
Boxcar Willie albums

Does someone with
no stereo need?

She needs the money.

Well, I didn't know
that we don't need it, Dan.

I must not have been home
the day that we got

Everything we need
out of life.

She was crying again.

Well, of course
she was crying, Dan.

She cries all the time.

She cries when people
lose on star search.

This is different.

Now, Dan, that bucks

Is supposed to put d.J.
Through medical school.

Can't you get
your dad to pay it?

My dad doesn't care about
my mom, so it's up to me.

If he doesn't, of course
we'll help her out.

I've always believed
in sticking by your family.

But this is
a last resort.

[baby crying]

Fine, i'll do it.
Take the baby back, he's wet.

No. You touched him last.

It's the nicest place
anyone's ever taken me.

You deserve it.

Anyone who gives birth to a
child of mine gets a free meal.

Oh, wow.

I'm glad I had your
child then, 'cause, some
of the guys i've dated...

I'd be lucky to get
a bowl of pretzels
and a beer at the lobo.

So you had a lot
of dates at the old lobo.

Oh, boy, did I.

Oh, look! They've got
dancing on fridays.

Hey, that's nice.

A lot of guys wouldn't
like to go dancing.

Have a lot of guys
taken you dancing?

Uh, yeah.

Same guys who took you to the
lobo or a whole fresh batch?

Are you trying
to ask me something?

No, no. Not really.

Well, Fred. Come on.

You can ask me anything.

You've seen me in the most
embarrassing position
imaginable.

And you were there
when the baby was born.

Well, okay.
[clears throat]

How many men did
you date before we met?

You mean, dated at all
or dated seriously?

I mean seriously.

Okay. I'd have to say
just a few.

Good. It's not that I mind

If you slept
with a lot of guys.

Well, slept with,
well...

That's not
what you asked me.

No, I guess it wasn't.

Fred, don't worry.
It's not that many.

I'd say...

Three a year.

Since you were, what, ?

Okay, we'll go with that.

Oh.

Wow.

Fred, that's not that many.

Three a year
for years is . Wow.

God.

I don't even know people.

Well, I didn't
know all of them.

You men have such
a double standard.

I'm sure you've slept
with a ton of women.

Three.

Three?

Three, huh?

Just the three?

Yep. Just the three.

Does it bother you
that i've been...Active?

Oh, look. Let's just
talk about something else.

No, i've got a better idea.
Let's not talk at all.

Hi.

No, I haven't had him.

?

Why? Do you think that's a lot
of people to have slept with?

Well, yeah,
for an amateur.

It sounded even worse when he
said he'd only been with three.

Eww. Three?

That's what he said.

Yeah, but, I mean, three?

That's just so low.

I men, he's
and he's single,

And we both know
he's not that choosy.

I can't believe
how he reacted to it.

So why are you
so surprised, Jackie?

You think a guy wants to know
that the woman he's with

Has slept with times
more people than he has?

You should have lied.

I would never lie.

Why not? I lied to Dan about
how many guys I was with.

Really?

Yeah.

He said he was with,
like, seven women,

So I figured
that meant five.

And I was with six guys,
so I said three,

You know, to make sure
to come in under his five.

And you think
that was good?

I think that was brilliant.

What's the big deal?
Why can't the man just accept

That maybe the woman's had
more experience than him.

Because then he knows
that she knows

That he's not very good.

Fred's good.
He's perfectly good.

Especially considering
it's just the three.

Perfectly good, huh?

Where have you been, Jackie?

Every man has
to think he's the best.

Well, i'm not gonna lie to him
and I think in the long run,

Fred would want me
to tell him the truth.

No. Men want to hear
that they're strong

And handsome and smart.

They do not like
to hear the truth.

Do you agree
with that, David?

Absolutely not.

If Darlene ever lied to me,
I think i'd be really hurt.

That isn't true, David.

Remember how upset you got
when she told you that
you had poodle hair?

She never said that to me.

Oh.

Maybe she was sparing
your feelings, but I guess

You feel a lot better now
that you know the truth, huh?

Yeah. I do.
I feel a lot better.

What do you guys
think of my hair?

We think it's great.
It looks just great.

I think it's stunning.

Roseanne, he asked
to know the truth.

And David, the truth is that
your hair is a little odd.

Thank you for being
so honest, Jackie.

By the way, you know how
everyone is telling you

You're as thin as you were
before you were pregnant?

You're not.

[door bell buzzing]

Dan! Oh, my goodness.
Come in. Come in.

I suppose it's okay that
you see me in my personals.

We are family.

Yeah. I keep forgetting that.

Is that Danny Conner

Stoppin' by at a.M.?
That's me.

What do you need?
Morning google?

[both chuckling]

Want some breakfast? I got
pancakes hot off the griddle.

No, thanks.
I just ate.

This'll be dessert.

I got some pure maple syrup
that I picked up when
I came through vermont.

You know, Dan,
it's really wonderful
of you to stop by like this,

It really does Ed good.

There's nothin' I like
better than doin' Ed good.

Oh, now, Dan.
I'm serious.

Ed's always sayin'
that he wishes he could
see you more often.

Here you go, son.
Oh.

Fall down on some of that.

Thanks, dad.

I'm sure you boys
have lots to talk about.

Yeah, woman. Get back
in that kitchen.

Your men are
getting hungry again.

Mmm. Man!

That's good syrup.

You want a jug?
I got plenty.

No thanks, dad.

Look, I talked to mom today.

Yeah?

How is she?

She's fine.

She says you owe her
some money.

Yeah, well...

I talked to her, danny,

And, uh...

I'm gonna take care of it.

Is that boy of your
still playing hockey?
When, dad?

I said i'd take care of it.

Look, i'm going
over there tonight.

I'm gonna give her
the $ that you owe her.

Are you gonna give me
the money or is it gonna
come out of my pocket?

Danny, i've already talked the
situation over with your mom.

What situation?

Well...

It hasn't been
a really great year, okay?

I've had a flat patch.

The office doesn't want
to send me out so much anymore,

I got a new family here.

Tough. You've got
old responsibilities.

Danny, are you gonna
make a speech?

Because if you are, I think
we oughta get more chairs,

We'll call the neighbors--

I'm not gonna make a speech.

What i'm gonna do is try to
remind you of your obligations!

I shouldn't have to do that!
You're a grown man!

Can you just calm down?

Dad, she was cryin'
on the phone.

Danny, that's her way.

Not like this.

She was crying so hard
I couldn't understand her.

Sometimes your mother
gets very emotional.

And everything kind of gets
out of perspective, you know?

I mean, Danny, women have a
tendency to do that, you know.

Women have a tendency
to get upset when you
treat 'em like crap.

You know your mother.

This is not
about money, danny.

Sometimes you're talking to her
and she's just not all there.

Hey, hey. There's
nothing wrong with mom.

I didn't say there was
anything wrong with her.

Who said there was something
wrong with your mom?

You know that
she's had it hard.

I know that.

This kind of stuff
is not good for her.

Danny...

If I could help her,
I would.

Yeah, Roseanne said
you might be willing

To clean up your own mess,
but I told her she was wrong.

Come on, Danny.
Don't.

Don't leave mad.

I'm not mad.
I'm not mad.

One thing
about you, dad,

You'll never
let me down.

[knock on door]

Hey, Jackie.
Hello.

Still mad, huh?

No, i'm not mad, Jim.

Oh, i'm sorry. Fred.

So many of you
I get confused.

Listen, Jackie.
We need to discuss this.

What's to discuss?
I slept with men.

Most of them separately.

I can vouch for that.
I was there that night
sellin' tickets.

Will you quit
giving me a hard time?

I'm just trying
to accept this.

Fred, all the men
that I have slept with
[baby crying]

And all the things that
I have done in my past

Have made me the person
that I am today.

The person that you were
supposedly in love with.

I know that,
but all i'm--

Not nothing. We're
supposed to be adults.

Right? And you know what
really ticks me off, Fred?

Is that I was honest and you
didn't even appreciate it,

And instead,
you're punishing me.

Look. For god's
sake, Jackie,

I'm not punishing you,

I'm just trying to be
honest about how I feel
about all of this.

I think you're both
a couple of idiots.

Sorry, I thought we
were being honest.

Baby, what's the matter?

What do you mean,
"what's the matter?"

Can't you imagine
how scary this is to him?

The big fuzzy thing is
yelling at the milk machine?

You know, i'm through
discussing it, Fred.

The next words I want
to hear out of your mouth
are an apology.

I'm not gonna apologize
for the way that I feel.

Then I don't have
anything to say to you.

Jackie.
Stay out of it, Roseanne.

I don't need
your kind of help.

I am trying to form an honest,
solid relationship here

With the father of my child.

Get the hell
out of my way.

Aw.

Am I nuts, Roseanne?

Wouldn't this bother Dan?

Not at all. Dan knows how
many men Jackie slept with.

Come on, Roseanne.

If Dan found out that you'd
slept with a lot of guys,

He'd be upset.

No, Fred. I really
don't think he would.

Because we have known
each other a lot longer.

And Dan knows he doesn't
have anything to worry about.

Hey, I am not worried.

This isn't about
me being insecure.

No, of course not.

Because you have
no reason to be insecure.

Jackie's in love with you.

I know.

And she had your kid.

And, uh...

She also told me you're
the best lover she's ever had.

No...

Yeah, and that's
like, the best of .

That is a lot of guys.

Yeah, but that doesn't
make any difference
to you, does it, Fred?

Yeah, right.

Forgot his binky.

Jackie, wait a minute.

Roseanne, can you
give us a second?

Yeah, sure. I know
you don't need my help.

You're building an honest,
solid relationship.

Jackie, i'm sorry.
I was wrong.

So you're okay with this?

Of course I am. I was
never that upset about it.

You weren't?
No.

How insecure
do you think I am?

The most important
thing is, we were open
and honest with each other.

Fred, you're the best.

Well, you don't
have to say it.

Well, so you're back.

You know, Crystal brought by
a whole case of maple syrup.

Do you think you
could get $ for it?

Roseanne,
i'm kinda tired.

What'd your mom do
when you gave her the money?

Did she do like she did
last time and wash each
and every bill?

I didn't give her
the money. I had to take
her to the hospital.

Oh, my god.
Is she okay?

Yeah. I guess.
I don't know.

Did she have an
accident or something?

It's not that
kind of hospital.

What are you talking about?

When I got there, she was
sitting outside in the rain.

I don't even think
she knew who I was.

One of the doctors
thought she might be
a danger to herself.

Well, I mean,
is she gonna be okay?

God, this is so weird.

Did you have any idea
about this happening at all?

I don't know.

I don't know what to say.

I'm okay.
Well, uh, did you
get anything to eat?

Did you have dinner?
Want me to make you something?

No. No.

My god, honey.
I'm so sorry.

I'm just--
i'm gonna go to bed.