02x20 - Say It Again, Ham Adventure

[bunniefuu]

- ♪ Look up there ♪
- ♪ What do you see? ♪

♪ Nature and stuff ♪

- ♪ Like a rock ♪
- ♪ And a tree ♪

♪ Oh, the Great North ♪

♪ Way up here,
you can breathe the air ♪

♪ Catch some fish ♪

♪ Or gaze at a bear ♪

♪ Wow ♪

♪ Oh, the Great North ♪

♪ Here we live, oh, oh ♪

♪ Here we'll stay, oh, whoo ♪

♪ From longest night
to longest day ♪

♪ In the Great North. ♪

[cheering]

HAM: Crispin, I have to ask
you an important question.

Okay...

How were my homemade
lemon lime bars?

Is there enough zest? Oh, God.

Is there too much zest?
Crispin, answer me!

They're perfectly zested,
my Silly Wonka. Now, shh.

We got to watch the last scene.
It's my favorite.

Last lap, Danny.
Time to win this thing

and then kiss some women.

This one's for you,
Businessman Greg.

Ladies and gentlemen,
I can't keep living a lie.

Businessman Greg isn't just
someone I know from business.

He's also my boyfriend.

I'm Danny Vroom, and I am gay...
in the fast lane.

What? Danny Vroom is gay?

[tires squealing, crashing]

BOB MUFFLER: The rest of us
came out here to play.

Danny Vroom came out here
as gay.

It's like they always say:
The truth will set you fast.

Danny Vroom,
will you be my groom?

Of course, Businessman Greg.
A thousand times yes.

♪ Gay in the fast lane ♪

♪ Vroom, Vroom. ♪

So, what did you think?

- Oh, um, it was okay.
- Just okay?

I guess I just felt like the
coming-out part was a bit much.

It's always so dramatic in movies,

but it's never like that in real life.

In real life,
you just tell your family,

and they're like,
"That's great. Love you."

And then you go back
to removing the elderly bear

that dropped dead
on your property or whatever.

Hmm. I mean, my coming-out
didn't cause a car crash,

but my mom and dad did

set off a bunch of
illegal fireworks in support.

- What's going on?
- Our son is gay.

And after a brief time
processing our feelings about it,

we've chosen to celebrate him
with fireworks.

CRISPIN: And they b*rned
down our mailbox... [yelling]

...and we were fined
thousands of dollars.

- So, overall, it was pretty wild.
- Wow. That sounds intense.

Well, coming out is intense.

I'm sure the first time
you told your family,

it was pretty dramatic, right?

I'm not sure I can remember
the first time, per se.

[gasps] Oh, wait. I know,
I said it when we were driving

to Mayor Peppers' wig party.

Oh, um, hey, guys. I'm gay.

We know, son. And we love you
just the way you are.

Or maybe it was when we went
to see Judy's improv group.

I would love a suggestion
of a common phrase.

I am gay.

All right, I heard, "I am gay."
Thank you.

We know, bud. And we love you
just the way you are.

Or I guess it could've been on

that white-water rafting trip we took.

- Hey. I am gay.
- We know, Ham.

- And we love you just the way you are...!
- Whee!

Huh, have you ever thought
that maybe

you keep coming out because
you're searching for, like,

a big, dramatic reaction
that you never got?

[scoffs] I didn't want drama.

I guess I just kept coming out
because I wanted

one single, perfect moment.

♪ When everyone came
to a standstill ♪

♪ Even the bird
on the windowsill ♪

♪ And gazed at me
through tears ♪

♪ Caused by loving emotions
but also petty fears ♪

♪ And then I loudly told them
that, hey, I am gay ♪

♪ And have been all my years. ♪

- Ham, that's drama.
- [gasps] Oh, my God.

I guess I have been craving
a big reaction.

Well, it's not too late. All
we have to do is find someone

who doesn't know yet and
then tell them dramatically.

We're gonna get you
the over-the-top,

lightly upsetting coming-out
that you deserve. I promise.

Crispin, you're the wind
beneath my things.

- It's "wings."
- Yeah, that was one of the things.

A.J. DOSSIER: The Room Service
Reaper was in police custody,

but for John Thimbleman,
it was too late.

His entrails were strewn
all about the hotel room,

and his head was in the ice bucket.

That was amazing.

How long have we been
sitting out here?

Four hours. I went from
having to pee really badly

to not having to pee at all.

I guess my body just
reabsorbed the pee.

I can't believe A.J. Dossier

didn't know anything
about podcasting

and then solved
the Room Service Reaper case.

- It's almost like we could do that.
- Great idea, my audio angel.

We already have
a video production company.

We'll just add a podcast arm.

How hard can it be to track down
an Alaskan serial k*ller

that's eluded the police
for decades?

Yeah. And I think the sponsors
send you free products.

I'd love to get my hands
on a pair of those clogs

that are just for jogging...
Cl'jogs.

Apparently, the sound is deafening.

I can't believe it's already
sock-darning season again.

What does everyone else
have planned for the weekend?

We'll be hard at work
adding a podcast arm

to our video production company,
Pause For Applause.

Oh, I just listened to one about
co-parenting adult children

with Rhea Perlman
and Danny DeVito.

No offense, Judy,
but I would rather die

- than listen to that.
- He said it.

But, yeah, we're focusing
on the true-crime genre.

All that stands between us and
a big podcast hit is selecting

which of Alaska's horrific
unsolved crimes to cover.

It's gonna be dangerous
and dangerously profitable.

Crispin and I are gonna be
pretty busy as well.

He's gonna help me
redo my coming-out.

Uh-oh.
Did we do something wrong?

No. You guys did
everything right.

You didn't make
a big deal out of it.

Yeah, you did it too right.

So he's looking
for just that little bit

of drama that he missed out on.

I get that. As one of
Alaska's preeminent allies,

I take extra responsibility.

How can we help?
What, specifically, do you want

from your ideal redo coming-out?

Hmm. For starters, I guess
I'd like a classic, sharp gasp.

Oh, um, I'd also love
to encounter someone

who simply can't believe it.

Um, a shattered fragile item
interests me. Uh...

Ooh, and I've never had to
immediately respond

to an offensive question like,
"But who's the woman?"

So that could be fun,
but I'm flexible.

I mean, no one person
could check all those boxes.

Actually, Ham, they just might.

And you may not have to look
outside of our family.

You happen to be related
to one of the most uptight

and judgmental people on Earth:

Cousin Danica.
She's uniquely awful.

As a family,
we took a trip to the zoo,

and she kept whispering
"whore" at any animal with kids.

Wow, Ham. Oh, sounds like she's
gonna hate that you're gay.

- Exciting.
- [chuckling] Oh, yes.

She's always hated
everything about me.

I mean, sure, marrying your mom

wasn't the smartest thing
I ever did,

but when Danica sent back
Moon's baby announcement

with "please make it stop"
written on the back,

I cut off contact for good.

Yet here I am, all these
years later, still going.

What do you say we pay her
a visit tomorrow?

She's all the way down
in Orca Bay,

so we'll want to leave
bright and early.

Oh, Dad, I'd love to,
but I kind of got a lot

on my plate with this
whole re-coming-out thing.

She's the one you're gonna
come out to, sweetie.

Oh, yeah.
That makes way more sense.

I was like, "Random."

All right, every
true-crime podcast is only

as good as the creep
it investigates,

so we got to pick
the perfect criminal.

Ooh. How about
the Moose Mixologist?

This guy used to feed
high-proof cocktails to moose,

then unleash them on the people

of Downtown Fairbanks...
to trample them.

Wolf, you know stampedes
are one of my biggest fears.

How did Jumanji
get that PG- rating?

Thousands of elephants
smashing explorers

into human jelly with their
enormous feet? No, thank you.

I'm sorry to have even
mentioned it,

my hippo-phobic hottie,
and I will also gently offer

that you may have
misremembered some of Jumanji.

Okay, how about
a down-the-middle serial k*ller?

The Orca Bay Slicer.

This k*ller, most likely a lady,

just lived to k*ll
rich guys in their cars.

Oh, wow. Says here
that after she k*lled them

she would chop off their wieners
and leave

a hot dog in their laps
as a calling card.

Okay, girl, I'm listening.

Yeah. Profilers, quote,
"believe that the hot dogs

"either represented
the men's penises

or that the Orca Bay Slicer
just simply loved hot dogs."

A patriarchy-hating
hot dog enthusiast?

Girl, we could've been
best friends,

but then you went and did
all those murders.

So, instead of eating hot
dogs with you and discussing

the right way to do a Mystic
Pizza musical adaptation,

I got to investigate you.

And since she was last active
in Orca Bay,

we can drive down
to Cousin Danica's separately

and stop for hot dogs...

I mean clues... along the way.

BEEF: Okay, we're getting
close, so remember:

we get in, Ham says he's gay,

she judges Ham, then we get out.

We're looking for a gasp,
some shocking remarks,

and I would really love it
if her shoes flew off.

Improbable, maybe,
but I would still love it.

It would be wonderful if she
jumped through a closed window,

leaving her exact silhouette.

She might even rip off
her brooch and throw it at you.

[gasps] Imagine if it lodged
in your cheek.

[gasps] A dream.

I'm glad you guys are excited,
but, Ham,

if the judgment is too harsh,
we can get the hell out of there.

You just say the word.

Okay, but instead
of saying the word,

can I say a fun phrase like,
"Where's my soup?"

or "Get these ants off of me!"

Okay, update: If Ham says,
"Where's my soup?"

or "Get these ants off of me,"
we all head for the door.

Danica, you nincompoop. I
could've sworn I put this away.

So, Beef and family.

Wow, you all look
much better in pictures.

Thank you for allowing us
to stop by on such short notice.

I told the children they simply
must meet my favorite cousin.

Well, the feeling is not mutual,
but come on in.

I've placed blankets
on the couches you can sit on.

I assume you don't wipe well.

Wow, Danica,
your house is very brown.

Yes, brown's my favorite color.

All the other colors are
so desperate for attention.

"Ooh, I'm pink. Look at me."

Now, I'm cooking a roast,
and until it's ready,

I thought we might just sit here.

Judy, are those leggings
something

you must wear
for a medical reason,

- or are you just a big old floozy?
- A floozy?

Yes, a loose lady,
a good-time gal, a harlot?

In short, a total sleazebag?

[chuckling] Wow, I've
never been so insulted.

- This is kind of fun.
- So, how's school?

- Are any of you reading yet?
- Nope.

[gasps]
Keep your hands off

- my ceramic rabbit collection.
- But there's just one.

There's also just one
Lincoln Memorial.

Seems a little different and
also not a collection, but okay.

Ham, I simply must ask you,
what's with the long hair?

Are you gonna sell it
to buy dr*gs?

WOLF: On our way to do
real-life field work.

The Orca Bay Slicer is not
gonna know what hit her.

We're like Starsky and Hutch.

Or SVU's Mariska Hargitay and...

the guy with the long neck who
helps SVU's Mariska Hargitay.

Christopher Meloni.
God, I admire that gorgeous,

crime-fighting giraffe.

Anyway, should we go over
what we know so far?

Oh, yeah, we should record it,

and we can use it
on our first episode.

[hushed]
The Orca Bay Slicer was like

a lot of serial K*llers
except for one thing:

her signature crotch hot dog.

Why are you talking
in that weird voice?

[regular voice]
It's my podcaster voice.

Ooh, I want to try
a podcaster voice. Okay.

[with accent]
The Orca Bay Slicer is

one of Alaska's only
female serial K*llers.

[chuckling]
Oh, Australian. I love it.

You can throw your voice
on my barbie anytime.

[regular accent]
Wolf, that was a British accent.

Oh, uh, then I meant:
You can throw your voice

- on my parliament anytime.
- There you go, babe.

I can't tell you how much
I enjoy sitting in silence.

- [sighs]
- [Ham clears throat]

- Cousin Danica...
- Okay, I guess we're talking again.

Go on, son.

There's something I need
to tell you, as family.

It's a secret that's been
weighing on me

ever since I met you an hour ago.

It's just that, Cousin Danica,

you should know that I am...

OFFICER: Danica Tobin, come
out with your hands up.

- Oh, no.
- [clears throat] ...gay.

Well, I guess I ought
to tell you all the truth

- about who I really am.
- Actually, that's what I was doing.

If you could just wait a second

while I tell you
who I really am.

That's the reason
why we're here.

I am wanted by the police
for crimes.

- [all gasp]
- I simply can't believe it.

- I'm shocked.
- Did my shoes pop off?

Thank you for sharing
your truth with us, Danica.

That was very brave.

So, here's what
I think we should do.

I'll open the door
to talk to the policewoman,

and you guys tell her
that you got here last night.

You know, like an alibi.

Oh, and if they ask you why

you didn't bring
any luggage with you,

you'll just say,
"Because we're disgusting.

We wear the same underwear
all the time, every day." Okay?

As much as we would love to lie
to the authorities

on your behalf,
I don't think we will.

It's probably time
for us to get going.

- [Ham gasps]
- I hate to do this, Beef,

but you're not going anywhere.

Except to the cellar,
as my hostages.

At first, I was like,
"Her vibe is off,"

but now I'm like,
"Her vibe is way off."

WOLF: If we want to solve
the Orca Bay Slicer case,

we need to think inside the bun,

by eating some hot dogs
she might have eaten.

Or tossed in her victims'
crotches as a calling card.

Oh, yeah. Our perp definitely
spent some time here.

This place is creep city.

I'll grab us a table
while you go order us

some research hot dogs...
for research.

[with accent] As I sat in my
booth at The Sausage Lynx,

I couldn't help but wonder, did
the Orca Bay Slicer sit here?

And if so, did she order
the Greek Goddess Dog

with kalamata olives
and feta cheese?

[regular accent] Wolf, make sure
to get the Greek Goddess Dog.

- I got to know if it's good.
- Ten-four. Hello.

Could we please have
two Greek Goddess Dogs

- and four Hot Dog the Yummy Hunters?
- That'll be $ . .

So, uh, we're here investigating
the Orca Bay Slicer case.

You ever sell a hot dog
to a m*rder*r?

I don't know. Maybe.

Was it a woman?
And was she clutching

a gigantic kitchen Kn*fe and saying,

"He's gonna get it"?
Anything like that?

No, but we had someone abuse
the mustard station once.

That's why we keep the packets
behind the counter now.

Are you, by any chance,
the Orca Bay Slicer?

- No.
- Worth a sh*t.

Oh, are you related to Danica Tobin?

Now, don't touch anything
or move anything around.

You can look at the TV,
but don't change the channel.

Or you can look at
the adult coloring books,

but don't color in them.

Place your phones
in this Longaberger basket,

and I'll be on my way.

[grunts] Gently.
Don't hurt the basket.

Please, Danica, just let us go.

Well, you could've
given me an alibi,

so this is all your own fault.
And those pillow covers are new.

Do not unzip and pee in them
like I'm sure you do at home.

I'm sorry you didn't get
to come out

to your m*rder*r cousin, Ham.

First, I didn't get to come out,

and now we're probably
gonna die in this basement.

What else could happen? Ugh.

All of Peaceful Outdoor Bathtubs
is already colored in?

WOLF:
Well, Sherlock Hold-up-a-minute.

Not only am I related
to Danica Tobin

but we're going to visit her
right after this.

Honeybee,
this lady knows Cousin Danica.

[chuckles]
What are the chances?

Yeah, what are the chances?

How do you know her?
Is she a hot dog freak?

She used to work here,
but then she started

really annoying the manager, Bradley.

She also used to picket the
restaurant during her lunch breaks

'cause she thought the hot dogs
looked too much like penises.

Anyway, he fired her,
and she did not take it well.

Wolf, are you hearing this?
Hot dog related resentment.

A vendetta against men,
or at least against Bradley.

Danica just became
suspect number one.

Oh, my God, Danica's
a wiener-hating m*rder*r,

and my whole family's
with her right now!

This is code red!

Sorry, sir.
I need to commandeer these dogs.

There's no time.

- Hey, Elba.
- Hey, Edna.

Thanks for being my backup.
I haven't had to arrest someone

since Fred Levy refused to get
out of the fountain at the mall.

He was nude,
and he brought a beach chair

and a battery-powered blender
for piña coladas.

- Part of me appreciated his vision.
- I was happy to come.

Fighting crime with my sister
is the thrill of a lifetime.

And I promised Mom I'd take a
video of you doing police stuff.

All right, here we go.

[over PA] Danica Tobin,
you're under arrest.

Danica speaking. Hi. Hi.

I have hostages,
so, you know, stay back.

I haven't been in
a hostage situation

since we went to Mitch
Jameson's one-man show,

A Dash of Mitch.

Ugh, yeah,
this sounds better than that.

[both laughing]

WOLF:
Great idea to park the car

a few blocks away
and approach from the rear.

I've seen enough
stakeout movies to know

you got to size up the situation
before you make your move.

Yep. Also, we got to finish
these hot dogs.

And these french fries we got

at the Hamburger Jack's
drive-through.

Yeah, I feel a little guilty
about stopping again

on the way here... mm...
but I'd be no good

fighting a serial k*ller
on an empty stomach.

Don't feel guilty, babe. The
Closer was always eating snacks

from her drawer as little
power-ups throughout the day,

and she was the best in the biz.

Oh, yeah, I just love Kyra Sedgwick.

And speaking of snacks,
her husband Kevin Bacon

is pretty easy on the eyes.
Oh, oh, God, she's got a g*n!

- Okay, don't panic.
- Tommy salami!

Please spare their wieners.
We're coming, guys.

Okay, this is just
a closet full of mayonnaise.

- Shouldn't this be refrigerated?
- Only if they're open.

Okay, but they all
seem to be open.

Oh, here's something.
There's some stairs back here.

Oh, and there's another door.

[grunts] It's locked.

Well, we could just look
at the TiVo again.

She does have something on
there called Frankly, Frasier.

Do not put that on.

It's Niles doing
freeze-frame commentary

over full-length episodes of Frasier.

NILES: Welcome to episode
of Frankly, Frasier.

Today we'll be taking
a critical glance

at episode of Frasier,

"Our Father
Whose Art Ain't Heaven."

What's wrong, sweetie?

- You love Frasier.
- I know. What's wrong is I brought

my whole family here so I
could redo my coming-out,

'cause I thought having
some big, gasp-filled moment

seemed so important to me,

but I'm realizing
I don't want that.

That was just some weird
idea that snuck into my brain

basket after years of watching
movies like Danny Vroom.

It doesn't have to be dramatic
or full of conflict.

It can actually just be
full of support.

But it's too late now.
Now we're gonna

have to eat mayonnaise in a
basement until we get sh*t!

Honeybee,
I can hear them down here.

If you can hear me, guys,
it's me, Wolf,

your brother and son,

and in the case of Crispin,
closest friend.

We are here to save your penises.

- JUDY: Wolf!
- We hear you, Judy.

Not so fast. You must
be Wolf and Honeybee.

And you must be Danica.
So nice to meet you.

Lay down, on your tummies.

Okay, I do not like a
grown woman saying "tummy."

- It's weird.
- Tummies on the turf!

- Ugh.
- Nancy Drew Magoo!

Okay, when I say so,
I want you both to stand up,

- and I'm gonna put you in the basement.
- And slice off our wieners?

I don't like that kind
of rude language.

- Freeze! Police.
- That was amazing.

Man, I wish Mom could be here.

Uh-oh. Is that a...
Yeah, that's a g*n.

- She's got a g*n.
- Wait, you guys don't have g*ns?

All right, you two,
also down on the ground.

Ah, looks like
we got to surrender, sis.

Don't surrender.
You're the police.

Sorry, but we leave our g*ns
in the glovebox,

like we're supposed to.

Oh, yeah. I haven't
handled a g*n since the

g*n-training puppet taught
me how to take off the safety.

Ya beep, and ya boop,
and you're ready to sh**t.

But only if it's
a life-or-death situation.

I'm not even interested
in k*lling you guys,

but you're kind of
leaving me no choice here.

What I am interested in
is those haircuts.

Did you lose a bet,
or are you just very brave?

I can't believe I'm saying this,

but can you be nice
to these police ladies?

- You suck.
- Shh! It's too much talking.

Kesha's cursed Kit Kat,
I don't want to die young.

What are you...
what are you doing?

Sorry, sorry,
I'm not trying to get away.

I just have major
pins and needles. Ugh.

Stop moving in that annoying way

and get back down on the ground.
Hmm?

- Gotcha.
- Aah!

Great job, sis.
A classic tap and turn.

Yeah, I was gonna do "there's
something on your shirt,"

but it just doesn't seem like

this lady eats
anything with sauce.

Ugh, well, darn it all,
you really did get me.

I did not see that coming,
and not only because I was

sort of looking away because
I find your face unpleasant.

You know what else
you might find unpleasant?

Three years at the
Orca Bay Correctional Facility.

Actually, it's very comfortable.

They have a Wetzel's Pretzels
in the cafeteria.

So, you guys are positive

Cousin Danica isn't
the Orca Bay Slicer?

Sorry, the Orca Bay Slicer
confessed many years ago.

Was kind of a big deal.

And she prefers to be called
Nancy McCamden now.

Well, Crap-lombo, looks like
we didn't finish reading

the Wikipedia page, Honeybee.
[laughs]

We must have gotten
a little too excited

and forgotten to scroll
all the way down.

Don't worry, though.

I'm sure A.J. Dossier
accidentally investigated

a bunch of closed cases
at the beginning of his career.

- Onwards!
- Wait, so what did Cousin Danica do?

- She robbed a bunch of banks.
- But I had a good reason.

Well, as long as you had
a good reason.

Well, I did for the first one.

I'd gotten fired
by a hot dog restaurant,

and my home was about
to be foreclosed on.

The second time,
it was because I was bored.

And after that, I just,
eh, caught the bug.

All right, off I go to jail.

HAM: Guys, I'm really
sorry about today.

We only ended up here
because I thought

I wanted a big,
dramatic coming-out,

and then look at all the real-life
drama I accidentally got us into.

Funny, as I was preparing
for possible death,

I realized something.

I've already had
the perfect kind of coming-out.

[chuckles] Many times.

The kind that didn't faze
my family.

Not even a little bit.

Ham, I'm sorry that I
never made a bigger moment

out of what was admittedly
a very big moment.

If I ever seemed too casual,

it's just because I was afraid
of making it seem

like a big deal
in a negative way.

I can't go back in time, son,

but maybe we can
make it up to you.

- Places, people.
- [Beef giggles]

Good evening, esteemed family.

I look forward to socializing
with you all, but first...

♪ Could everyone please come
to a standstill? ♪

♪ Even the bird
on the windowsill ♪

♪ Because I have
something to say ♪

♪ I am gay ♪

- [Judy gasps]
- MOON: Gasp.

♪ Now please burst into tears ♪

♪ Oh, no, I feel faint
from this news ♪

♪ My head might drop off ♪

♪ I must hold on to my shoes
for I fear they'll pop off ♪

♪ Well, well, well,
I simply can't believe it ♪

♪ This information is so shocking ♪

♪ I just can't receive it ♪

So, what kind of gay are you?

♪ A bear, a pear,
a man in the chair? ♪

♪ An otter, a squatter,
a French debonair? ♪

♪ A dancer, a prancer,
a Marcia, a Jan? ♪

♪ And which one of you
is the man? ♪

That was very offensive,
you guys. Thank you.

♪ I did it, I came out ♪

♪ I said it out loud and I
kicked all the shame out ♪

Baby, you were a star.

And sorry,
but I just have to say it.

♪ We love you just the way
that you are. ♪

MAN: So you want to go out
for an afternoon trot?

MAN : And you want to be heard
like a herd of bison, heard a lot?

BOTH: Throw on some Cl'jogs
before you hit the town.

The sound, it's deafening
when they pound, pound, pound.

♪ ♪

MAN : , years
of Dutch innovation...

MAN :
Meets running shoe technology

developed by our lead
clog scientist Nathan.

MAN :
ClogWizard. biz called us

the third-best running clog
in the nation.

BOTH: So throw on some Cl'jogs
before you hit the town.

The sound, it's deafening
when they pound, pound, pound.

MAN : Cl'jogs have a world
of loud adventure in store.

MAN :
For Cl'jogging memories galore.