04x19 - Three Ring Circus

[bunniefuu]

"The Conners" is once again
sh*t in front of

a live studio audience.

- Shh.
- My clothes are all wrinkled.

My hair is messed up.

Does it look like I just
had sex in the car?

Eh, nobody will be able to
tell the difference.

Uh, excuse me?

Because you always
look carefree and windblown.

I just gave you pleasure
for two minutes. Remember that.

I am so excited

to tell my family
that we're getting married.

- They are gonna be blown away.
- [Breathes deeply]

They don't even know
that we're back together.

Yeah. Well, Becky's the only one
who even suspected anything.

Oh, now I don't want to tell them

- 'cause I don't want her to be right.
- [Chuckles]

Well, we have to tell them.

We won't get our presents unless we do.

You're looking forward to
presents from my family?

What is it that you still need
from the dollar store?

Youse guys are late.

We've already had the soup course

and discussed the latest
fashions from Paris, so park it.

Well, I know that we're late,

but it doesn't matter
because there's big n...

Okay, uh, now that we're all here,

I have something important to say.

Oh, my God! Neville's gonna propose!

Oh, my God!

- Jackie.
- Oh, there's a ring!

He got a ring! Give me the ring!

[Screams, laughs]

Can I do some of this, please?

Uh, Jackie...

Yes, I'll marry you!

[Laughs]

I can't believe my baby
brother's getting married.

I'm so happy for you guys.

- Oh!
- Oh.

- We're gonna be sisters!
- [Laughs]

Well, you know, sisters-in-law.

Let's just keep that barrier for safety.

Dibs on flower girl for Beverly Rose.

And she's dressing herself these days,

so get ready for Baby Yoda
in a tutu coming down the aisle.

How about we buy her a dress?

Yeah, but she can still
wear the Baby Yoda head

'cause it'll be funny.

- Oh, you so deserve this, Aunt Jackie.
- Oh, thank you.

That was so sweet and romantic.

Well, if you think that is romantic...

Harris, will you marry me?

Are you serious?

Neville just made the biggest
commitment a man can make.

[Exhales sharply]

I want to make that commitment to you.

Will you take me?

For better or worse,
till death do a spark?

"Do a spark"?

No, it's... it's "do us part."

It's "till death do us part."

Holy crap, that is so extreme!

I love that.

Will you marry me

until the Grim Reaper nails one of us?

- Yes!
- Yes!

[Screaming]

Now?

Definitely not.

Uh, okay, i-it seems
that we've gotten into

some kind of marriage
mass hysteria here.

Let's just slow down
and talk about this.

I mean, what's there to talk about?

Oh, my God, we're having two weddings!

Or we can do a double wedding.

Oh!

I mean, that would be so romantic.
And totally cheaper.

If it's cool with you guys, of course.

I mean, I'm okay with it if Jackie is.

Well, sure, if you're okay being

the second most radiant bride there.

Sure, as long as you're paying.

- Well!
- Wait, you guys are paying?

That is so cool!

[Laughter]

- Thank you, Uncle Neville!
- [Laughs]

Thank you, Aunt Jackie.

[Laughs]

- Wow!
- Of course, the more the merrier.

Oh, and that remin...

We have to make this really quick

because I do not want
my mom getting wind of this

and showing up.

I mean, I think we could get
this together in two weeks.

Oh, fantastic.

I can't wait to invite
some of my favorite patients

from the clinic.

And I'll let them
bring their humans, too.

[Laughs]

Wait, wait.

Have you ever saved any cool
animals, like tigers?

I'd love to have a tiger at my wedding.

Well, I did a gastric bypass
on an obese feral cat.

[Laughs] That is so cool!

But I do need a tiger 'cause
when I deejay at the wedding,

my cape is gonna be orange and black.

Since we're off the rails,

you know the only thing that's better

than a double wedding?

A triple wedding!

- Yeah!
- No.

You guys know that

- you really love each other.
- JACKIE: Oh, my God.

It takes three rings to make a circus.

No, no, no, no!

I-I just wish that Ben and I
were still a couple...

- That's right.
- ...so that we could participate

in this Burning Man of love

you're throwing together here.

But unfortunately,
we are no longer in love

and the last thing I want
to do is marry this man.

- Right, Ben?
- Mm-hmm. Yeah.

Can't stand you, wouldn't have you,

can't imagine a worse way to
spend a day of my life.

[Sighs] Oh.

Oh, there's a worse way.

And we'll all be there to see it.

And then when the tiger
drags off one of the guests,

we'll watch it again on the news.

[Laughter]

x - Three Ring Circus

♪

♪

♪

♪

Aldo, I'll call,
and we'll set up a night

to decide on the wedding plans.

- Yes, that sounds great.
- Great.

Hey, babe, we got to stop

and pick up the kids on the way home.

Dropped them off at a birthday party.

Oh, they're finally making
some friends at school?

Nah. We saw some balloons
tied to a mailbox,

so I stopped and let them loose.

Hey, the boys texted.

They've got some presents,
and they're on the run.

We gotta go.

Well, now the family knows
what to get you

for a wedding present.

A brain!

You made it easier
for Harris to marry Aldo.

We don't want that.

In Neville's defense,
he has very low self-esteem.

He'll do anything
to get people to like him.

Darlene, aren't you upset about Harris?

Yeah, of course I am.

She's way too young,
he's not the right guy,

but I've tried to break them up twice,

and it nearly destroyed
my relationship with her.

Maybe you stop her from ruining her life

and worry about the relationship later.

This is what she wants, Dad,
and she's ,

so it's going to happen.

And besides, I'd rather
have my daughter talking to me

if she makes a mistake
than not talking to me.

All right, let's just go clean up.

Okay.

I know why you can't tell
Harris not to marry Aldo.

She has no respect for you

and you screwed up her whole childhood.

Let me try.

I-I'm sorry if I caused a problem,
but the wedding

- is still going to be fantastic.
- [Quacking ringtone plays]

And now I have to go take a sock
out of a Labradoodle.

If I come along,
can I put it on Instagram?

I'll blur out the dog's face.

Uh, maybe we should both talk to her.

Becky, you could tell her that you went,

you know, off the rails
and got married at .

And then I can tell her

that I waited
a reasonable amount of time,

found the right man, and I'm happy.

Or maybe something

where you don't trampoline off my misery

to be a hero.

Aldo just texted me.

He and Harris got engaged.

Man, you're late for dinner,
and all hell breaks loose.

What do you got to eat?

He's your kid, Jesse.

If you're really against this,
you got to take it to him.

So all of a sudden,
my son is my responsibility.

Hey, if I ruled the world,
once the kids hit ,

I'd burn my fingerprints off
and live on a beach in Mexico.

Not gonna work, Dan.

I'm not allowed in Mexico anymore.

When you fill a water balloon
with alcohol,

you cannot throw it into a fire pit,

especially not at a quinceañera.

Uh, meanwhile, back on Earth...

We need to take Harris
out to "celebrate"

her engagement and try to
talk her out of this.

Yeah, and I'll work on Aldo.

I've got a plan, but I'm gonna
need a lot of beer.

Uh, half a chicken.

And the other half of the chicken.

Jesse, how come your plans
always involve my beer?

Well, wait a minute now.

You're accusing me
of stealing your beer,

but you're not accusing me of
stealing your chicken?

That's interesting.

♪

All right, everybody is finally asleep.

- Man, we dodged a b*llet at dinner.
- [Sighs]

- We got to be super careful.
- Mm.

If anybody finds out
we're back together,

I'm gonna end up riding
a unicycle up to the altar

where you're standing
with your monkey best man.

Mm.

Don't get mad, but that
would be kind of cool.

No.

I say we keep us a secret

and then after
the double wedding freak show,

we say, "We were so inspired
by your love

that we decided to get married, too."

I don't know. I just...

We've been through so much.
I don't want to wait.

You know?

It's gonna k*ll me to see them
get married before us.

Let's just elope.

- [Chuckling] I love that.
- Right?

I don't want to wait either.

Yeah, we'll drive to
South Haven tomorrow night.

We'll spend the weekend
at a bed and breakfast.

Okay, yeah.

All right, we just have to come up
with a good cover story

that explains why
we're both away, though.

Right.

Okay, I got it.

I'll say I'm spending the weekend

building a house
for Habitat for Humanity,

and you heard that somebody was
having a good time somewhere

and you had to smother it with a pillow.

What are you two
doing in here this late?

[Clears throat]

I caught Ben stealing.

I, uh...

Well, I needed a chair.

And, uh...

I didn't know where else
to get one this time of night.

This is why I can't be with you.

You're sick.

♪

Oh, here's the bride-to-be.

Hey. Check out my tiara.

I wore this because I know
you old people like this stuff.

Where's my mom and Aunt Jackie
and everybody?

I figured all the old broads
would want to send me off.

Well, you're not
really getting a sendoff,

and we're the only
old broads you're getting.

Yeah. Actually, we just wanted to spend

some time with you to...
to tell you what it was like

for us to get married.

Okay.

I was only when I married Mark.

I loved him so much, but I could've been

out in the world, learning about myself

and meeting interesting people
in faraway places,

like Cincinnati or Newark.

Now, I'll never know
what those people are like

or how they live.

Your dreams make me sad.

Uh, you know, my experience with this

is totally different.

I dated a lot in my s and s.

I mean, sometimes you just don't know

what your favorite dish is
until you sample the buffet.

Maybe you try a spicy chile relleno

or a hearty bowl of borscht,

which is great

until you find it shaving
its back with your razor.

Okay, this was all just a lame excuse

to talk me out of marrying Aldo.

Did my mom put you guys up to this?

No, your mom had nothing to do with it.

It was all Becky.

Hey!

We all agreed you were too young
to jump into marriage.

That's right.

Oh, what are you doing here?

Well, I promise

this is the only time
you're gonna hear this.

My son is a man-baby

who will ruin your life
if you stay with him.

You said that the first time I met you.

And how did that work for you?

If you can't accept Aldo
as a part of the family,

then maybe I don't want to be
a part of this family anymore.

Okay, okay, we've said our piece.

If this is what you really want,

we will buckle in and support you, okay?

Okay.

The only upside is that
now you guys feel guilty enough

to throw me a real bachelorette party

with cut dudes shaking their junk.

See ya.

You're the single one, right?

Yeah.

Hey, uh, is Harris here?

No, she left.

W... Did you chase her away?

I told you to stay out of it.

No.

I didn't chase her away,

and I don't want to chase you away.

How can I make things better?

I know you're going to curse this union

for the rest of your life.

Uh, I just want your blessing.

I'm against this
with every fiber of my being.

And I give you my blessing.

Thank you.

I'm always proud of you, son.

Just not of what you're doing
and who you are.

Now you're gonna make me cry.

Jesse, Aldo's got to go find Harris.

How about I buy you a drink?

Cool!

I'll teach you a drinking game.

Step one, you have a drink.

Step two, you have another drink.

Step three, go back to step one.

So if my dad didn't chase Harris away,

why isn't she here?

Because we were telling her
to think twice

about getting married at her age.

[Sighs] You guys got to stop
doing that crap

or you won't be invited
to the baby shower.

Oh, my God.

Harris is pregnant?

That's why she feels
she has to marry you.

She's terrified and desperate.

No. She's not pregnant, but thank you.

But we do need some baby stuff

'cause we're gonna start
trying for a kid

right after we get married.

Harris is okay with having
a baby that fast?

Yeah, probably.

Well, maybe you should
check in with your bride-to-be

about the timing.

Maybe she has plans for her uterus

that you don't know about.

You don't know what a uterus is, do you?

[Scoffs] I... Well,

I know we all have one.

Hey, I'm just heading out
to my company retreat now.

See ya Monday.

Got a second?

Uh, can I talk to you when I get back?

Oh, sure, sure.
I just wanted to say thank you.

When you bought a man's
wedding band today

from the place
where I got Louise's ring,

they e-mailed me a $ gift certificate

for the referral.

Why do you need a wedding band?

Um...

Well, you know what they say.

Uh, when you... when you
want something to happen,

you have to manifest it.

So hey, universe, I got the ring,

now bring me a man!

Apparently you bought a man's
and a woman's wedding band.

Well, I-I do not want
the universe to think

that I'm narrow-minded.

Uh, it's... it's about
what's in somebody's heart,

not what's in their pants.

- I gotta go.
- Have a good trip.

Oh, just one more thing.

This is probably nothing.

But it seems like you're
running off to get married,

and it could really only be to Ben.

[Laughs]

Oh, my God.

Yeah, a wedding ring must mean

that I'm getting married,
and it could only be to Ben.

Please don't tell anybody.

Hang on.

After all you've put us
through with that relationship,

you're going to run off and elope?

Listen, I-I-I tried one wedding
with all of you guys there.

Let me try one now with
nobody there, and if it sticks,

I'll know that you people
are the problem.

Okay? Bye.

Not so fast.

[Sighs]

Come on. I've put Ben through
so much with this family.

He and I just want a quiet ceremony.

I don't think that's too much to ask.

Is Ben waiting outside?

Yes.

Tell him to come in.

[Sighs]

Ben!

BEN: I'm not here.

No, my dad knows. It's okay. Come in.

It's gonna take a second.
He's crouching behind a bush.

[Sighs] This was not the plan.

Listen, I know you've had issues

with Darlene putting
this family before you.

So if letting us be
a part of your special day

is too much to ask, I get it.

I just want to shake your hand
and say congratulations.

Thanks, Dan. You're a good man.

So are you.

Become like a son to me.

And even if I can't be there,

just knowing that my daughter
is marrying you,

that's all I need.

I appreciate that.

Maybe if you could remember,
you can take a picture

so at least I could pretend I was there.

Dad.

And if I don't make it to tomorrow,

I-I can pass knowing that
my daughter's in good hands.

Oh, my God, stop.

Now, this is pathetic, manipulative,

and it's working.

All right, look, Darlene and I will talk

about joining your damn circus wedding.

Only if you want to.

Oh, shut up.

- No, do not let him pull you in.
- [Sighs]

We are walking out that door right now,

and we're getting married.

I may be reading between the lines,

but it seemed like
a really big deal to your dad.

Well, he's a grown man,
and he will get over it.

It's okay, Ben.
I'm being a selfish old man.

I get why Darlene doesn't want
to be a part of this craziness.

She doesn't owe anybody
in this family anything.

You guys just... go do your thing.

That is just another manipulation.

He's coming back.

Do you think he meant it that time?

[Sighs] I don't know. He might have.

Oh, God, my stomach hurts.
I feel horrible.

I just want you to know,

that wasn't being manipulative...

That was real.

Well, we're never gonna b*at that.

[Sighs]

Okay, fine, we're staying!

You win, you crafty old bastard!

DAN: Only if you want to!

[Laughs]

Hey, um, real quick,

before we go in, it's no big deal,

but your Aunt Becky
thought I should tell you

I want us to have a kid
right after we get married.

- Wow.
- Yeah.

Well, I-I mean, that's kind of big.

We haven't really talked about that.

Oh, yeah, yeah, we did.

Uh, I said, "I want a kid,"
and you said, "Yeah."

Right, right.

We talked about maybe having a kid,

but I thought we were talking
about, like, much, much later.

Oh.

You're already a dad. What's the rush?

I'm not getting any younger,
and old sperm is dumb sperm.

I want to get my swimmers in there

while they still know which way to go.

Well, that's beautiful and all, but...

I know. I just love you so much.

- [Scoffs]
- [Chuckles]

We're gonna have the best babies.

Okay, okay, there you guys are.

Ben, Darlene, you don't have
to stay for this part.

This is just for the couples
getting married.

Oh.

About that.

Uh, Ben and I are going to
get married with you.

No!

Oh, my God!

Oh, my God!

Oh, my God!

[Laughing]

Aaaaah!

Okay. We're collapsing my vertebrae.

Time to stop.

You guys are gonna be so happy
you decided to join us.

Oh, my God, yes, you are.

Okay, now, um, last time we talked,

there were some
crazy ideas being thrown around

about the wedding.

So imagine this.

Oh, my God.

The wedding march starts.

We all walk in...

covered in live butterflies.

I think it would be so spectacular.

We will, however, have to
coat ourselves in nectar.

Bad idea.

Tigers love nectar.

Well, I hope so
'cause I want to go quick.

Oh, Dan, can I talk to you?

I guess we'll find out. Go ahead.

I know how Jackie feels,
but I'm thinking

of inviting her mother to the wedding.

She's never had a good
relationship with her mom,

and I think I can be
the salve on that wound.

That's not a wound.

That's a dead foot. Gotta cut it off.

You may have blown it
a little out of proportion.

I mean, what guy doesn't
hate his mother-in-law

and have all kinds of stories?

She's a human being like the rest of us.

No, she can assume
the form of a human being.

But it's just a trap.