03x32 - Teacher's Petrie

[bunniefuu]

[music playing]

NARRATOR: The d*ck Van d*ke Show.

Starring d*ck Van d*ke, Rose Marie, Morey Amsterdam, Larry

Matthews, and Mary Tyler Moore.

Hi, darling.

I'm sorry I'm late, but the place was jammed.

Millie and I had to park three blocks away from the campus.

Honey, I found an anteater.

Really?

I didn't know we needed one.

No, Ritchie needs one.

I'm helping him with a project in school.

He has to cut pictures out and paste

them in a scrapbook of all different kinds of animals.

We're, we're only to the As and Bs now.

Here's the list.

Yeah, I know the project, dear,

but you shouldn't be doing it for him.

Forget about that, honey.

Did you us sign up for the night school?

Well, not us.

What do you mean?

You didn't sign us up for the Spanish course?

No, well, by the time Millie and I got there,

the Spanish class was all filled,

so, well, Millie and I signed up for creative writing.

The Spanish class was full so you

signed up for creative writing?

The only thing left open was animal husbandry.

Animal husbandry.

Well, I'm too satisfied with you to--

Oh, thank you.

Anyway, I couldn't sign you up for creative writing.

You're already a creative writer.

Creative writing.

Doggone it.

I was really looking forward to going to that Spanish course.

I'm sorry, darling, but I promise next semester I'll

go down early and enroll us.

Well, listen, why the sudden interest in writing with you?

You don't even like to write letters.

Oh, I don't know. This is different.

Creative. Anyway, it sounded like fun.

Yeah, writing is always fun to talk about.

Oh, Millie and I talked to the teacher before class.

He seemed so nice, Rob.

I think we're really going to like it.

And Mr. Caldwell said I showed promise.

- Caldwell? - Yeah, the teacher.

How did he know you showed any promise?

It was just enrollment tonight, wasn't it?

Yeah, it was.

But he had us fill out these little cards on why we enrolled

in creative writing, and he took me aside to tell me

he especially liked mine.

Oh, what did you write?

That the Spanish class was full.

And from that he could tell you were good?

Well, I don't know.

I guess it was the way I phrased it.

Anyway, he seemed really quite impressed with me.

Oh.

What, uh, what else did you have to put on your enrollment card?

Well, just name and occupation.

Your name, your occupation.

Uh-huh.

What uh-huh?

Oh, n-nothing.

Rob, that nothing was something.

Huh?

You never say nothing unless you mean something.

Well, no, it was just about a nothing nothing, that's all.

Nothing, honey.

I'm glad that Mr. Caldwell thinks

you show exceptional talent.

I hope you get a big kick out of the class.

All right, if that's what you feel then,

I'm not going to take the class.

Hey, honey, you're wrinkling this anteater all up.

Hard to find.

Rob, will you tell me what's bothering you about this class?

I know it's something.

Honey, just-- it's nothing.

That nothing sounded like something, didn't it?

Look, honey, I don't want to hurt your feelings,

but I think that there's a pretty sneaky reason

for Mr. Caldwell to be flattering you like that.

What reason?

To get to me.

What do you mean my teacher wants to get to you?

He doesn't even know you.

Well, of course, he doesn't know me, honey.

What's for dinner?

Nothing, until you tell me why you think my teacher's

flattering me to get to you.

Because he is.

You know Mr. Caldwell?

Honey, it's not the point.

I don't have to know him.

He knows me.

How?

You told him everything he had to know

on that little enrollment card.

And what was that?

He knows that I am a writer for a successful television

show.

So?

So Mrs. Rosenkrantz.

Mrs. Rosenkrantz?

Yeah.

Ritchie's nursery teacher, Mrs. Rosenkrantz.

You remember she always gave him extra clay

and we couldn't figure out why, until I

ended up writing a salute to Mother Goose for her.

Can't you forget that?

I cannot forget a nursery school teacher coming out to me

after a show and saying, Mr. Petrie, are you

really a professional writer?

I could have-- [mumbling] From then,

on I haven't trusted anybody who's

overly nice to you and Rich.

So now you think that all people are--

Not all people, honey.

Just people who are planning things.

First they start out being nice to you,

and then all of a sudden they ask me if I'll give a lecture

or write a play or collaborate on something.

All right, name one person whoever did that.

I bet you can't name one.

The chairman of the parents council,

Mrs. Something-or-other.

And the vise president of the bank, honey,

kept giving you extra pens, and he finally

asked me to write him an act.

And who, who was it from the--

See, you can't name any of them.

You can just rest assured that Mr. Caldwell sooner or later is

going to ask you to ask me to read a sketch he's written,

to collaborate on a play, to do something.

Well, of all the conceit!

Well, that's not conceit.

All right, what is it then?

Jealousy?

Jealousy?

Are you jealous of my writing?

Of your wri-- all you've written so far as three lines

on, on an enrollment card.

And the Bill of Rights was written on an envelope.

That was the Gettysburg Address.

Oh, you know nothing.

Honey, I'm sorry.

Look, I-- maybe I was wrong, huh?

Let's just skip over it for now.

Will you forgive me?

If you promise to stop being so suspicious

and thinking that everyone's out to take advantage of you.

I promise, honey.

Bob Patterson.

That was the vice president of bank.

And it was Mrs. Willington, the--

Hahaha.

But you can use this.

There's a buffalo on the nickel.

Oh, boy!

Gee, you're smart!

Thank you.

Now, you go finish your scrapbook

and let me finish my homework, huh?

OK. [doorbell]

- Get that, will you, darling? - OK.

Hi, Ritchie.

Hi, Aunt Millie.

You ready to go to class?

Yeah, Rob will be here in a minute.

I just have to finish typing this.

Jerry typed mine.

The idiot, he typed the whole thing with one hand.

How come?

He was holding his nose with the other one.

I didn't even show mine to Rob because he's so touchy about my

taking this class anyway.

Husbands.

Yours thinks the teacher is smart and trying

to get a favor out of him, and mine

thinks the teacher's a dope for letting me in the class.

Do you think Mr. Caldwell's encouraging me just to get

Rob to go down and lecture?

Oh, no, of course not.

- Mommy! - Yes, dear?

The nickel won't glue in my scrapbook.

It just keeps sliding around.

Oh, well, put the nickel down, dear, and go

wash the glue out of your hands.

OK.

OK.

You think if we become famous writers

we can stop being mothers?

Ha!

Boy, would I like to get real rich

and have governesses or even governors.

Hey, I made a joke.

Maybe I can put that in my essay.

What did you write about?

An elevator.

What did you write about?

I wrote about our backyard and the big tree.

An elevator?

Millie, we were supposed to write a descriptive

essay about a pleasant place.

Well, I think an elevator is a pleasant place.

I like to stand there on a nice, soft rug

and listen to the music and go up and down.

That's what your essay's about?

That is my essay.

Well, length doesn't really matter.

Hey, you know, you write very well, Laura.

You're going to show Rob.

And I want to show that Jerry.

You know, maybe I'm a little hard on Jerry.

After all, he said I could be a writer because I look

a little bit like Joyce Kilmer.

Joyce Kilmer?

Yeah, do you think so?

Millie, Joyce Kilmer was a man.

I'll k*ll him.

I'll k*ll him.

But Mommy said--

Mommy said, Mommy said.

This is Daddy saying go to bed.

But I'm hungry.

If you're hungry, have a banana.

Now, where is she?

Why doesn't she come home and raise her kid?

Hi, darling.

That's more like it.

Huh?

Nothing.

I'm looking for a walrus.

Oh, Rob.

Are you doing that for Ritchie again?

Well, I promised him I would.

Besides, that's the only way I could get him to go to bed.

Boy, there sure haven't been a lot of walruses in the news

lately, I'll say that.

What happened to the good old days

when the walruses used to make all the headlines?

Pretty funny.

Well, aren't you going to ask me how it went in class tonight?

Oh, yeah.

How'd it go?

Mr. Caldwell said that my essay

was the best in the class.

He said it was vivid, had a strong narrative sense,

and he gave me an A plus.

And I'll bet he said, your husband

should be very proud of you.

Rob, don't start that.

You're insinuating that Mr. Caldwell is just

flattering me to butter you up.

Well, now, I'll tell you something.

He said that with hard work and a little time,

I might someday write well enough to sell something.

That's very nice.

And you don't believe it's possible.

I'm sure of it.

Really?

Oh, that he said it, not that it would sell.

Oh, I have a--

Ah, honey, I apologize.

I'm sorry.

I am tired of arguing and I'm tired of looking for walruses.

I'm tired of this whole evening.

Now let's just go to bed and--

Well, the whole evening wasn't a loss.

I found a nickel.

Who, uh, who glued a nickel to our counter anyway?

Ow!

Doggone it!

Whose idea of a joke is that? Look at that nail.

RITCHIE: Daddy!

Ritchie, what are you doing up?

I heard yelling.

I thought Daddy found a walrus.

Uh, no, not, not yet, Rich.

But go to bed.

I want some water.

Uh, get in the kitchen then.

Boy, I don't see why you're in such a terrible mood.

I'm-- honey, I'm not in a terrible mood.

I'm in a regular mood, I'm just so mad it

seems terrible, that's all.

I, I hate to see you being made a fool of.

Rob, if anybody's being made a fool of,

it's you making one of you.

Some husbands would be proud of their wives.

They'd enco-- hi, Rich.

See you in the morning, son.

Good night, dear.

I'm not tired.

Yes, you are.

Should I shut the door so I don't hear the fight?

There's no fight, Rich.

Go to bed.

And shut the door.

Now look at us, arguing in front of Rich.

Well, it's certainly not my fault, Rob.

I came in here happy and excited,

and you started to criticize without even

reading what I wrote.

Oh, honey, I'm--

I was probably a little hasty about it.

I'm sorry.

It just-- it's been one of those days.

May I?

It's not supposed to be funny.

But of course you want it to be bad, don't you?

I don't want to be bad, honey.

Don't you?

It's happened plenty of times.

What's happened plenty of times?

Family jealousy.

Johann Strauss Senior practically

disowned his son for writing better waltzes than he did.

Maybe that's what this needs.

Da-da-da-da-dadum-dadum.

Well, you just can't possibly be objective about this.

Well, look Mr. Caldwell certainly

isn't being objective.

Well, I know he isn't flattering me to get to you.

You wouldn't let Buddy and Sally read this, would you?

Do you want Buddy and Sally's opinion?

I would love it.

They are honest, intelligent people.

They haven't got any axes to grind.

At least they'd be objective about it.

I would welcome their opinion.

Well, all right.

But I'll tell you, they're professional writers just

like me and they're going to admit

that this is not very good.

What do they know?

"And so it grows, our old tree, sending its roots

deep into Mother Earth's warm bosom from moisture,

and its branches up, up, up to the sky

for life-giving sunshine.

To you and me it looks still, but a tree never rests."

Well?

How old is Laura?

What's that got to do with it?

Well, if she was 12 or 13, that'd be pretty good.

In other words, I'm right.

There was more laughs in my bar mitzvah speech.

This isn't exactly supposed to be funny.

Well, neither was my bar mitzvah speech.

What do you think, Sal?

Well, there's something wrong with the beginning.

What?

It leads to the rest of it.

Well, what am I going to do with this thing?

Well, if you fold it right, you

can make it into an aeroplane.

So you both agree with me, Laura's no Elizabeth Browning?

Yeah.

OK, now that that's all settled, what

do you say we go home, huh? - Yeah, sure.

- What? - Wait a minute.

I wanted to talk to you guys about this.

Oh, come on, Rob, it's 9 o'clock.

We've been working all day.

My wife's home waiting for me.

What am I hurrying for?

Look, you're the only two I can possibly discuss this with.

Ever since Laura started night class, we don't talk anymore.

All we do is argue.

Do you mean to tell me that this teacher tells

her everything she writes is great?

I mean, even that?

She got an A plus on that.

Holy cowboy.

Yeah.

And the thing is, the further he builds her up,

the more let down she's going to be when she finds out

she just isn't an A plus student.

Don't worry, Laura'll get over it.

Besides, women writers never amount to anything anyway.

What am I, a duck?

Anything I say from now on can only get me in trouble.

Thing is, I wish this teacher would just come right out

and ask me whatever he wants instead of using Laura.

I mean, telling her this stuff would sell.

I got the same situation.

Every time my wife goes-- goes up to Vermont,

you know, to visit her Aunt Harriet,

she keeps picking on her because she married me.

She says I'm a no-talent little runt

and I'll never amount to a bowl of borscht.

Well, what-- what's that got to do with my problem?

Nothing, but I got problems too,

and if you've got problems, I've got problems.

You want to talk about problems, huh?

How about a gorgeous girl of 27 with a figure

like this living with a cat.

Don't do it.

Hey, fellas?

All right, all right.

Rob, look, to get back to your problem, down deep inside,

Laura must know she's not very good.

Oh, yeah, down deep inside, but she'd never admit it to me.

It's become too much of a thing between us.

I'd love to help you, Rob, really I would,

but I've got a heavy date.

Yeah, and I've got a heavy wife.

Hey, listen, why don't you use my motto?

If you can't b*at them, forget it.

Huh?

Just go down and tell this guy you'll do anything

he wants, and that way he'll stop flattering Laura,

and she'll know you were right all along.

Oh, Buddy.

Hold it, Fred.

What?

You know, that's not a bad idea.

Yeah, it is.

It's a good idea.

Took a minute to sink in.

That's a great idea.

What's the big surprise?

It's just that we never expect to hear anything good

come out of you, that's all.

Next time you get a great idea like that, why

don't you put your hat on upside down so we know.

Isn't that funny?

I never thought of that before.

I hate to go down and get involved with a teacher,

but if it'll save Laura the pain,

it's going to be worth it.

I've still got time to meet her after class.

I'll just go tell them that I'm his.

"And as the b*llet ripped through his guts,

splattering blood all over the walls and ceiling,

Johnny Moxie breathed his last rotten breath.

Marion looked at the gaping hole in his ugly,

drunken body and said, 'Johnny Moxie, you stink..'"

Yes, well, uh, you, uh, you have a very vivid imagination,

Miss Brinda.

But I think novices, that is writers who are beginning,

should write about things they are familiar with.

I'm familiar with this.

You are?

Oh, yes.

My grandfather was a strikebreaker.

But that's horrible!

Not so.

None of us liked him.

He was really a dirty old man.

Mr. Caldwell, Mr. Caldwell.

Uh, Mrs. Helper.

Well, my paper shows what you mean.

I wrote about a character I know real well.

Fine.

Why don't you read it to the class?

Do I have to get up there and--

Now, now, now, you can read from there.

Thank you.

My essay is entitled "Life With A Dentist Can Be Very Filling."

It's kind of a play on words.

Yes, I, I understand, Mrs. Helper.

"At work, my husband is neat as a pin,

but at home he is sloppy, no matter how much I needle him."

That's another play on words.

I know, I know.

Is it good to do that?

Uh, not too often, no.

I'll watch it.

"He's careful of his dentistry tools,

but at home he leaves the gardening tools out

to rust through rain and sleet and snow."

Honestly, last year we bought a brand new lawn mower,

and in six months it was ruined.

He never oiled or anything.

He left it outside all the time.

Are you reading that?

Oh.

He's so sloppy.

"And at work, my husband is as busy as a beaver

and never takes a break.

But when he comes home, boy, does he take a break."

He lies on the sofa and he never moves.

Last night I asked him to change one lightbulb

and you should've heard.

Laura will tell you.

Getting that man to do anything is like pulling teeth.

Oh, that's kind of cute.

Pulling teeth.

It's another play on wo-- oh, no.

That'd be too much, wouldn't it?

I'd better expunge that one.

Mrs. Helper, why don't you get these anecdotes down on paper,

and I'll read them later?

At home.

I'll have it for you tomorrow.

Oh, there's no hurry, I assure you.

MILLIE: Thank you.

Farewell, class.

I'm going to dismiss you early tonight,

and I want you to go home and work on your next essay

while it's still fresh in your mind.

So class dismissed.

Mrs. Helper, you know what would

help that little essay about your husband and your home?

What?

If you get more v*olence in it.

If your husband would m*rder one of his patients.

Thank you.

Well, uh, good night, all.

Good night.

You want to stop for an ice cream cone on the way home?

Oh, I'd love to.

I promised Jerry I'd come right home tonight.

Oh, uh, Mrs. Petrie, could you wait a moment?

LAURA: Oh, certainly.

I'll see you later, teacher's pet.

Bye.

I, uh, hope I'm not keeping you from anything important.

No, no.

I have a few minutes.

Well, in that case, why don't you sit down, Laura.

Thank you.

Now, as you may know, you are my best pupil,

but I wanted to talk to you about the last paper

you turned in.

Oh, is there anything wrong with it?

Well, as in all your work, it has some excellent moments,

excellent.

But this particular piece had one or two rather weak points.

Now, possibly the, uh, the romantic

angle that you gave it was too much for you to handle.

It is rather, uh, passionate.

Is that bad?

Oh, no, no, no, not at all.

Quite the contrary.

But that is one of the reasons I didn't discuss it

in front of the class.

Some of our less mature members might be disposed to giggle.

Oh.

Now, you write about two lovers saying

goodbye at a railway station.

Why did you use the dialog form instead of the narrative?

Well, I just wanted to try my hand at dialog.

And you did very well, very well

indeed for the woman's speeches.

But, uh, the man's dialogue sounded like a cowboy saying

goodbye to his horse.

Well, I guess that's because I'm a woman.

Yes, you are.

But a writer must deal with all sorts of characters,

young, old, male, female.

Now, uh, where were we there?

What about bringing that little bit where they were

in the waiting room talking.

Now, where is that? - Oh, that's here near the end.

Yes.

Now, well, read that.

Read that.

"Mildred looked into his eyes and said, 'I feel

that I've always known you.'

Bill held her closer and said, 'I feel the same, Mildred.'"

Hmm.

"I feel the same, Mildred."

Yes, that says it, but in such an unromantic way.

Surely if this man was so moved by this beautiful girl,

he'd look deep into her eyes and say something like,

since the moment I first met you I've been deeply disturbed,

and today I discovered the reason why.

I want you to be mine, and I hope

you feel the same way, Laura.

Uh, no, that's Mildred.

Ah, Mildred, Suzy, Fred!

What's in name?

The important thing is understanding how

the man feels about a woman.

Do you understand how he feels?

I think not.

If you did, you, you couldn't write this.

Or this.

Or, uh, this.

I, uh, think I'd better be going.

Now, now, now, I won't let you go.

You won't?

Not until I'm sure you understand

what's wrong with that dialog.

It's very amateurish.

Well, you see, it's, it's the first time that I've

ever attempted anything--

Please, you mustn't be offended.

After all, I, I must criticize for you to learn.

Of course you must.

Some of the dialog really is a little icky.

Where do you think it could be changed?

Well, now why don't you read from here and just, uh,

ad lib anything you think would be

more natural in the situation?

The ear is the best writer of all, you know.

And I'll try and ad lib what the man would say.

All right.

I've never felt this way before.

I thought I had, but it was never like this.

Oh, yes.

I see what you mean.

It's wrong.

But I don't care.

But I want you to care.

I want you to care about me.

I want you to think about me!

About nothing else but me!

Say that you will, Laura!

You mean Mildred.

I mean Laura!

Oh, Mr. Caldwell!

I'm a married woman!

Well, I'm not, and we're here alone together!

Oh, I wish I'd taken animal husbandry!

Oh, Laura, you're beautiful!

I've been teaching now for 18 years and nothing

like this has ever happened to me before, I swear it!

I've been madly, passionately in love with you since the moment

I saw you at registration and you

put your tiny little pink card into my hand.

Oh, Rob was right!

You, you did have an ulterior motive!

Of course he was right!

You're abso-- who's Rob?

My husband!

Your your hus--

He just didn't know how ulterior your motives were!

Well, how could he know?

I didn't know myself till--

I mean, I never dreamed--

Oh, Rob!

Hi, darling.

Hi, darling.

Oh, Mr. Caldwell, I'm Laura's husband.

Oh!

I'd like to explain to you--

Listen, don't try to explain.

Look, I know what you've been trying to do with Laura.

I just came down to tell you it's all right with me.

Rob!

Darling, you don't know what you're saying.

Yes, I do, honey.

Look, it's better than fighting.

Oh no!

Look, just stop b*ating around.

Come right out and ask me and I'll say yes.

- Oh! - You will?

Sure, you just name the night, and I'll be here.

Rob!

I'd like to leave now!

Wait a minute, honey, I want to tell Mr. Caldwell.

Rob, I want to go now!

Well, OK.

Uh, nice meeting you.

I'll be in touch.

Bye.

Extraordinary thing.

I-- you--

w-why, you-- I'm not kidding.

And another thing, you can forget about me

coming down here to lecture.

--But he actually used my own words

and dialog to make his pitch.

Well, how'd he do that?

Well, he had me read my paper and he improvised his part.

You know, I should have pasted that rat,

but he's a schoolteacher and they're underpaid, you know.

But can you imagine a man who was hired to teach housewives

creative writing has the nerve to come right out

and flirt shamelessly?

It's shocking.

Where are you going, Sal?

To see if there's an opening in that rat's class.

What's the matter with you?

Sit down.

[music playing]