04x01 - My Mother Can b*at Up My Father

[bunniefuu]

[theme music]

ANNOUNCER: "The d*ck Van d*ke Show,"

starring d*ck Van d*ke, Rose Marie, Morey Amsterdam, Larry

Mathews, and Mary Tyler Moore.

You sure he'll only have to be here a few days?

Oh, the doctor said maybe not even that long.

Oh, good.

Is that tight enough?

Yeah, tight, tight.

Oh, good.

Now you stay there and be a good boy.

Stay there?

Where am I going?

Visiting hours are over, Mrs. Petrie.

Oh.

Darling, does it hurt very much?

Only when I do anything.

Would you hand me the microphone there?

Oh, Rob, you shouldn't be fooling around

with a tape recorder now.

You're supposed to be resting.

I'm resting.

Look, I want to get this thing down

while the memory and the pain are still fresh in my being.

I suppose I'm going to be the villain in this chapter.

A good writer does not set out to make a villain.

Villainy evolves.

I'm going to put the facts down and we'll let

the guilt fall where it may.

You're still angry with me, aren't you?

No, I'm not angry.

You look angry.

Well, it's just that I'll probably have

to have all my clothes altered.

I've been stretched four inches in here.

You know I love tall man.

Yes, how about swans?

Goodbye, darling.

I'll see you tomorrow.

OK, bye.

Goodbye, Ms. Taylor.

Goodbye, Mrs. Petrie.

Ms. Taylor, would you switch on that tape recorder?

On one condition.

What's that?

That I can stay and listen to the story.

OK.

[clears throat]

All right, let's see.

I am in the hospital.

I am in traction and having such pain as would

put a lesser man in tears.

Let's, for the time being, title this chapter

how to put your husband into the hospital without really trying.

Let me say this, my wife is responsible for my being here.

My injuries include a muscle spasm,

a stiff neck, a pinched nerve, and a sore nose.

It all started a few days ago in a very swanky after-theater

restaurant called Rocky Leon's.

ROB (VOICEOVER): The place was pretty crowded

so we had to sit at the bar until our table was ready,

which I wasn't too happy about because there was a guy

there who was flirting with Laura.

Honey, could I have a little more peanuts there?

- Sure, darling. - Thank you.

Sure, honey, give the monkey some peanuts

and then get rid of him.

Look, fella.

Look, fella.

Look, fella.

Hey, Vinnie, fill it up again, will you?

You've had enough, Mr. Cavendish.

I've never had enough.

Hi, honey.

I'm gonna belt that guy.

Rob, he doesn't mean it.

Well, I don't like him bothering you.

He's not bothering me.

Well, he happens to be bothering me.

Hi, Rob.

Well, Ed, how are you?

Good to see you. - Good to see you.

Laura, this is Ed Wilson.

Ed, this is my wife Laura.

How do you do?

I read your column every day.

Well, that's why I write it.

Well, Rob, anything new on "The Alan Brady Show."

Uh, no, matter of fact, not even the jokes.

Oh, good, I'll use that.

Don't you dare use that.

You have 'til the end of the evening to come

up with something better.

- OK, you got a deal. - See you.

You bet, Ed.

Nice meeting you, Laura.

Hey, monkey.

Hey, you on television, huh?

Honey, would you like a drink?

No.

That's where you met this little cutie pus,

dancing the chorus line, huh?

How about having a few steps with me, honey?

Uh, Rob, why don't you see if our table's ready, huh?

That's right, get rid of the monkey.

Now, look--

Rob.

Listen, you just leave us alone and keep your mouth shut

and there won't be any trouble.

[imitating monkey]

Oh, the monkey wants to fight, huh?

No, I didn't say I wanted to fight.

Oh, the monkey's afraid to fight.

Rob, why don't you let Vinnie handle this.

How do you like that?

They want Vinnie to handle me.

Ridiculous.

I'm your husband.

I'm going to handle this.

Rob, you are not going to fight.

I'm not gonna fight.

I'm just gonna try a little psychology.

The only thing good on TV are little cutie pusses like you,

huh?

You!

What's that?

I told you I didn't want to fight,

but I think I'd better warn you.

I'm a black belt karate expert and these hands

are registered with the police department as lethal weapons.

Now I'm obliged by law to tell you that first.

Well, thanks for the warning.

Hey, come on, baby, let's you and I go dancing.

[exertion sounds] - What the!

[thud]

What did you just do?

I don't know.

It looked like Judo.

Yeah, it was.

Well, where'd you ever learn Judo?

Well, when I was doing those army shows,

we learned, you know, well self-defense, kind of.

Darling, are you all right?

This is fantastic.

Your table is ready.

And a bottle of wine, compliments of the house,

for you and the champ.

Oh, thank you.

I didn't know this could work.

I never tried it.

Excuse me!

I've never seen anything like it.

ROB (VOICEOVER): At first, I was a little embarrassed

that my masculine supremacy had been dented.

But by the time we got home, I agreed it was pretty funny.

The next day at my office, I found out differently.

- Hi. - Oh, hi, Rob.

How's your nose? - Fine.

Fine?

I thought it was busted.

How did you know about my nose?

It was in the paper.

Didn't you read it?

My nose is in the paper?

Are you kidding?

Your schnoz is more famous than that Cyrano de Burgundy.

Yeah, it was in Ed Wilson's column.

Oh, by the way, how's the adorable Amazon?

Who?

Laura, the adorable Amazon.

Oh, boy, what does it say?

OK, rest your nose, I'll read it.

"Last night at Rocky Leon's, Rob Petrie,

head scribe of the Alan Brady video madness

introduced me to his lovely femme Laura.

I made note that she was a knockout.

And about two minutes later, she proved it."

Is all this correct according to the record?

It's reasonably accurate.

I did introduce him to Laura.

Proceed.

"A lush got fresh with the little lady and Rob

stepped in to do the Sir Galahad bit.

He was promptly flattened with a sh*t in the snoot

and would have been mauled if his adorable Amazon

hadn't decked the bar fly with a perfectly ex*cuted judo flip.

Note to Alan, laugh at Petrie's jokes or his wife

will flatten you."

Oh.

Hey, Rob, come on, don't be upset.

My wife Pickles once saved me from getting sh*t.

What do you mean?

She married me.

Oh, this is terrible.

No, I don't know about you, but I

kind of think it's adorable.

Well, you would, you're a woman.

Don't you understand what this thing says?

It says that Laura defended you like any

good two-fisted wife should.

Yeah, what are you worried about, Rob?

She's on your side, you married a bodyguard.

Don't you realize what a ribbing I'm

gonna get on account of this?

Oh, a lot more vicious than you're

getting right now because nobody loves you like we do.

Thanks, but I just don't think Ed Wilson should

have put this in his column.

You're right, it should be on the sport pages.

Oh, by the way, Rob, where's Laura fighting tonight?

Oh!

You see that?

Boy, it's already blown up all out of proportion already.

She catches one guy off guard, all of a sudden

she's the adorable Amazon and I'm a 98-pound weakling.

You only weigh 98 pounds?

You know, Rob, I think you're just sore because Laura

was able to save your life.

Oh, no.

I'm proud that Laura can take care of herself.

And still be able to b*at you up.

She didn't b*at me up, she b*at the other guy up.

Yeah, but he b*at you up and she b*at him up, which

means that she can b*at you up.

He's right, Rob.

She's got a legitimate sh*t at the title.

What title?

Man of the house.

Oh, that's very cute.

That's very cute.

Listen, you two keep it up, and I am going home.

Now, wait a minute, this could make a funny sketch,

you know, about a dopey guy whose

wife is always b*ating him up.

Or--

Or nothing.

Listen, that's not a bad idea.

We could do this sketch about this dopey guy

whose wife always beats him up after an argument.

And instead of her saying, I'm going home to mother,

she gives him a Judo-- we could go on a picnic.

I'll bring the sandwiches.

Yeah, I'll bring the jams and jellies.

Hello?

Yeah, this is Petrie.

My wife in what?

In the Olympics, huh?

Who is this?

Oh, hi, Alan.

Right, yeah, kind of a funny item, wasn't it?

[laughs] Well, yeah, that was pretty much--

you know, Ed Wilson, he kind of exaggerates a little bit.

Yeah.

What?

Well, we could think it over.

Yeah, well, I tell you, we'll talk about it

and let you know, Alan.

Yeah.

OK.

Hey, listen, very funny about the Olympics.

[laughs] That's cute.

Bye.

He wants us to write a sketch about a wife

who can b*at up her husband.

Well, we can't do it, we're going on a picnic.

[phone rings]

I don't want to be a stool pigeon,

but the phone is ringing.

You feel a little tingling in your fingers?

Well, aren't you gonna answer it?

Why?

I know what's coming.

I'm gonna get another harpoon.

[phone rings]

OK, Moby d*ck, I'll answer it.

Hello?

LAURA (ON PHONE): Hi.

Oh, hi, tiger, how's the old arm?

You saw the article, huh?

Yeah, he was funny.

Listen, Laura, I got a date with Herman tonight.

You want to come along for protection?

Oh, come on, Sally, you can handle Herman.

Oh, I can handle Herman.

It's not Herman, it's his mother White Fang.

Wait a minute, here's Rob.

Hi, honey.

Hi.

Listen, isn't this item in the paper a riot?

Rob, I tell you, the phone hasn't stopped ringing all day.

Yeah, well, I have had a few phone calls myself.

Listen, Millie said this adorable Amazon

thing was an insult. I don't think so, do you?

Oh, of course not.

I think he meant it with the utmost respect.

LAURA (ON PHONE): Rob, you sound upset.

Why should I be upset?

Well, the way it was written, it sounds like I

saved your life or something.

Well, honey, I--

[laughs] I think it's funny.

As a matter of fact, Alan wants us to do a sketch about it.

Yeah, but we'll change your name to protect you.

My gosh, Rob, everyone in this whole town

must read that column.

Listen, I stopped at the market to get some meat,

and Marty behind the counter wanted to Indian wrestle.

Gee, that's funny.

Marty sure is a funny butcher.

LAURA (ON PHONE): And darling, Ritchie was so cute.

He was still here when Millie came over with the paper.

Mm-hmm.

And so I told him to finish drinking his milk.

And he said sure, because he wanted to grow up and be

big and strong like his mommy.

Ah, that's funny, honey.

Listen, I gotta be getting back to work.

LAURA (ON PHONE): OK.

Oh, how's your nose?

My nose is fine.

Looks a little out of joint from here.

Honey, I'll call you a little later.

LAURA (ON PHONE): OK, bye, dear.

Bye.

Sally, what do you think that look means?

Well, I'd say he was seriously thinking about k*lling

the next person who ribs him.

Or sending Laura to k*ll the next person who ribs him.

Watch it, these hands are registered with a junkyard.

ROB (VOICEOVER): Things got worse as the day went on.

I was the target for every wise cr*cker in show business.

And by the time I got home, I was looking for trouble.

Hi, darling.

Hi.

Anything wrong?

Darling?

All right, why play games?

You're tough, you can take it.

Rob, what happened?

If they took all the bad days in my life and piled 'em one

on top of another, that includes the day I fell out of a tree

and broke my cheek, if they piled all those together,

they could not equal the badness of this day.

Because of you and your barroom brawling,

I have been the butt of the worst jokes and telephone calls

and telegrams and this.

A feather?

Yeah, that's a white feather.

It's symbolism.

You know, another anonymous rat had a good idea,

he sent me a live chicken.

Oh, come on, darling.

They're just having fun.

Well, I'll admit, I saw the humor in all this

for a little while, but to a point, that is.

I think maybe it was a chicken that did it.

Yeah, that was a bit much.

I mean, after all, you did try to defend me.

I mean, you did, you did defend me.

It was never a question of bravery.

Just ability.

Oh, Rob, you're being silly.

How come you never dress like a girl?

What?

Well, honey, I mean, shirts and slacks,

shirts and slacks, that's all I ever see when I come home.

But you love me in slacks.

Well, yeah, but whatever happened to dresses?

I wear dr--

Rob, you know, this is about the stupidest

conversation we've ever had.

I mean, just because your male ego

took a b*ating today is no reason to att*ck my femininity.

Well, I'm sorry.

Honey, you gotta face the fact that today men and women

compete in everything.

And people see something like that in the newspaper,

they're gonna jump right on it.

Yeah, well, in this house, man is still man

and woman is still woman.

And you don't have to be a caveman

to prove your masculinity.

Well, I'm glad you feel that way, honey.

Well, I couldn't feel any other way.

And I'll guarantee you something, the men who teased

you the most are the ones who are the least secure

in their own homes.

Boy, oh boy, are you right about that.

It takes a lot more than muscle to make a man, right?

Right.

You know, some of these guys had the nerve to come up to me

and say, well, I understand your wife can b*at you up.

And what difference does it make?

Yeah, what difference--

What difference does it make?

That I can b*at you up, it doesn't matter.

That you can b*at me up?

Do you mean to say that you think that you can b*at me up?

Oh, Rob, this is silly.

No, answer me.

You think you can b*at me up?

Darling, until this moment, I never really thought about it.

Thought?

What in the world is there to think about?

I could flatten you with one hand behind my back.

Yeah, darling, I guess you could, if you wanted to.

Well, I don't want to.

Good.

But I mean, where in your wildest dreams

you ever get the idea that you could b*at me up?

I didn't.

Oh no, that guy b*at up on me and you b*at up on him,

so you think that you can therefore b*at up on me?

Hey, how about that?

Oh, come on.

You believe in your publicity?

Look, the guy caught me a little off guard.

He caught you-- You caught him off guard,

and that's all there is to it.

No, not quite, I do happen to know a little Judo.

Now, come on, Mr. Moto.

You mean, you think you could toss me around the way

you toss that drunk around.

Of course not, Rob, now let's forget it.

No, no, wait a minute, you think you can toss me around,

I'd like to see you try.

Come on.

Well, I didn't to say I could toss you around.

I said I could toss you down.

Oh, oh-ho-ho!

Is that so?

All right, let's see you try that.

- Well-- - Come on.

Oh, Rob, now this is silly.

It is not silly.

You think you can b*at up on me, and I say you can't.

Now, come on, I'm ready to att*ck.

You mean, you're gonna hit me?

No, just make believe.

Oh.

Now come on, let's go, I'm coming.

Ah!

Ah!

Yay for mommy!

I survived the initial encounter pretty well.

I think the only thing that's seriously damaged

was my male ego.

But of course, my wife was pretty magnanimous

with our son Ritchie.

She told him that she didn't throw me, that I was just

showing her a little trick.

I think Richie believed her, all right.

Only thing was, she knew and I knew the truth.

I was married to a little girl who could deck me.

So you challenged her to another fight?

Well, of course not, that would have been a childish,

immature thing to do.

But I had to get even.

I gotta get back at people.

The only thing, I didn't know how.

And didn't believe it or not, the Marine Corps

came up with the answer.

Yeah, you see now, in the opening number, Alan Brady

lands in this space capsule.

And he can either be greeted by the boy

dancers or the girl dancers, whichever will

be easier to do jokes with.

You kidding?

Girl dancers.

Right, right.

Listen, as soon as Buddy and Sally get back,

we'll go right to work on it. - Good, good.

Oh, hey, how's your nose?

Oh, it's fine.

And oh, that reminds me, Alan said you guys are

working on a sketch about that thing

with Laura and Rocky Leon's.

Probably not, Tony.

Well, if you do, be sure and give me a little advance

notice, will you?

I have to work with the actors on the Judo move.

Uh, you know Judo?

Yeah, I was a Judo instructor in the Marines.

No kidding.

Black belt.

Wow.

Yeah, I'll see you later.

Well, hey, Tony.

Uh, hey, you might be able to help me with a little bit

of a problem I've got.

Sure, Rob, what?

Well, you heard about the thing with Laura

the other night.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Well, to tell you the truth, I'm feeling--

it's bothered me.

Yeah, I know, you've taken quite a ribbing.

Yeah, well not only that, but the other night at the house,

she threw me, plow.

[laughs]

Yeah, see, you're laughing.

Well, what do you want me to do?

You want me to go over to your house and rough her up?

No, not exactly, but I thought maybe you could, you know,

show me how to--

You want me to show you how to throw her?

Well, no, but I thought I at least ought

to know how to defend myself.

Defend?

You mean, she att*cked you?

Oh, no, I don't think she ever really would, you know?

The thing is, you know, she knows she can

and I know she can.

And I think it's better for our marriage

if we both know that she can't.

You want to learn some counter holds?

Yeah, yeah.

OK, well, what does she do?

Well, in the bar, she just took that guy like that.

That's all it was.

With me, let's see, she grabbed me like that

and put-- then did like that, and over I went.

Yeah, yeah. Well, those are basic.

They're easy to stop.

Oh, good, yeah.

Show me.

OK, now, but before you can stop them though, Rob,

you gotta know how to--

you gotta know how to do them.

Yeah, good.

So you better stand right over here.

Yeah.

OK, now the one she did with you is basically a hip throw.

I see.

It's all done with leverage.

Yeah.

OK, now come at me as if you're going to att*ck me.

- OK. - OK.

What like this?

Yeah, right, now watch, I grab this arm.

- Yeah. - And I pull.

Yeah.

I step into here and swing the hip out.

Yeah.

And then yank.

Wow.

Now, of course, that was all slow motion, Rob.

But it's all done with leverage, you see.

Yeah, I see.

With the hip.

You want to try it on me?

Well, listen, I don't want to hurt you.

Oh, no, no. don't worry about that.

You won't hurt me. - All right.

I know how to land.

Now go ahead, I want you to do it for real.

- OK. - OK?

- So it's all leverage? - Yeah.

Around the hip there.

The hip.

OK.

OK?

- All right, you ready? - Ready.

OK, here we go.

Hey.

Hey?

Wow.

[laughs] Yeah, I see what you mean.

It's all leverage.

You want to try it again? - Yeah.

- Good. - OK.

Yeah. Ha!

Oh-sha!

No, no, that's [japanese]

Oh, [japanese]!

- OK. - OK, you ready?

Yeah, I'm ready.

OK, here we go.

Ha!

What did I do wrong?

I did something wrong.

No, no, no, you didn't do anything wrong.

I was just countering your move.

Oh, yeah?

Yeah, now come at me again, I'll show you another one.

OK.

OK?

OK.

You ready? OK.

OK.

Ha!

Beautiful, it's beautiful.

You see, Rob?

Now if you knew how, you could even reverse this hold on me.

Oh, that's great.

Listen, it must give you a great feeling of self-confidence.

Yeah, serenity is more like it, really.

You know, when you know your stuff,

you never feel you have to prove yourself.

Right.

Right, now come on, I want to show you another one.

- OK. - OK.

All right, we'll do it very slowly this time.

- Slow? - Slow.

OK, now come at me.

Now take this hand, step into here, and grab this leg,

and just straighten up.

Wow, look at that.

I can't wait to get home and show Laura this.

I don't think they're gonna let you on the train.

Honey, I'm home.

Hi.

Oh, sayonara.

My, aren't you in a good mood?

No, I am serene.

Oh?

How many serenes did you have?

No, no, honey, I took a Judo lesson today.

Oh, Rob, isn't this whole thing getting

just a little bit out of hand?

Wait just a second, it just so happens

that Tony Daniels was in the office today,

and he is a Judo instructor.

Oh, so you asked for some instructions in wife b*ating?

No, more like-- more like husband saving, I'd say.

Anyway, that's why I'm serene.

You can't touch-- You can't hurt me anymore.

Rob, I never real--

I never could.

Well, honey, I know, it just bothered me that you knew

something that I didn't know.

And now you don't.

So what are you going to do about it?

Well, I'm not gonna do anything about it, honey.

Now, I'm just gonna kiss and make up.

Rob, if this is a sneak att*ck--

No, honestly.

Look, no hands, behind my back.

And I don't know any lip throws.

There.

Well, I admit, when I came home I intended to throw you

right on your head.

But you know, Tony was right, knowing

that you can do something is better than doing it.

Right.

You want to see me do it?

I thought you just said you didn't have to.

I don't have to, honey, but it's fun.

You know, Tony and I threw each other around that office

for an hour.

That's nice.

Well, aren't you even interested in seeing what I can do?

Not in the least.

Honey, you know something, that's kind of small of you.

Boy, you're just dying to let me have it, aren't you?

Oh, of course not, honey, I love you.

I wouldn't do anything in the world to hurt you.

Good.

So don't you want me to do it?

I'm dying to do it.

Not with me.

But honey, I'd like to show you.

I need a victim.

I know. - Where are you going?

Ritchie's room.

Don't you touch that child.

All right, buster, you asked for it.

You know, you're crazy?

You have really flipped.

Chimpo is just perfect to show you.

Now watch.

All right, hurry up, get it over with so we

can have some dinner.

OK, now look.

I'm-- I'll-- see, I'll be you and the monkey will be me.

Good casting.

[laughs]

OK, now look, it's all leverage.

See?

Yeah.

You came at me, grabbed that arm, put this under,

and this arm around here, right?

Yeah.

Now you thought you had the hip leverage to throw me over.

Yeah.

And all I had to do was break this grip,

get like that, right?

Yeah.

Then all of a sudden, you're on the floor

and I'm standing looking at you with my foot on your throat,

right?

Yeah.

Watch!

[shattering]

Oh, Rob!

You broke my good dishes!

So even though it was me that fell with the monkey,

it's Laura's fault that I got involved with a monkey

in the first place.

I guess you're right.

Well, now I understand how you got

all those injuries, except for those scratches on your arm.

Yeah, well, I was just thinking about that.

Those, as a matter of fact, are Laura's fault too.

How?

Well, when the guys from the ambulance came to carry me out,

they asked her how I got hurt and she said

that I was thrown by a monkey.

So?

So they laughed so hard they dropped me in the rose bushes.

[theme music]