04x03 - The Lady and the Baby Sitter

[bunniefuu]

[theme music]

ANNOUNCER: "The d*ck Van d*ke Show,"

starring d*ck Van d*ke, Rose Marie, Morey Amsterdam, Larry

Mathews, and Mary Tyler Moore.

Ska-da-da-diddy-dee.

[humming] Hello, Roger.

- Hi, Roge. - Hi.

Have a good time? - Wonderful.

Absolutely wonderful.

It was the best party we've ever been to.

We had champagne.

You know, darling, we should go out formal every night.

[laughs]

Oh, how was Ritchie? Was he a good boy?

Oh, everything was great.

LAURA: Good, good.

I helped him with his homework,

and I got him to bed without a cupcake.

What!

We broke the cupcake barrier.

I don't believe it.

Roger, you're a wiz.

Yeah.

What's with this, Roge.

Oh, Mrs. Petrie asked me to fix it.

Oh, I fixed that thing.

Yes, I know, dear.

But you see, the toast is supposed to pop up not out.

Thank you, Roger. Goodnight.

ROGER: Goodnight.

LAURA: [humming]

Well, I must have got that spring too tight, huh?

Not really.

You just attached it to the crumber

instead of the riser bracket.

Roger, are you putting me on?

Huh?

Oh, no, no.

This is the riser bracket right here.

Oh.

Well, hey, I take your word for it.

I don't know anything about-- what do I owe you, Roge?

Well, I came at 7:30.

I think $5 will do it.

Hey.

I'm getting off cheap.

I would have paid that to have the toaster fixed.

Hey, how about a little milk for the road, huh?

Oh, sure, Mr. Petrie.

OK.

[yawns] What did you say I did to the spring?

Well, you attached it to the crumber.

Oh, I'll have to remember that next time.

Oh, boy, am I tired.

Big night, huh?

Oh, boy, very.

Roger, I'll give you just a little bit of advice.

Never marry an ex dancer.

Sir?

Well, they're like fire horses, you know?

They hear music and right away, boy, they want to go.

Boy, I--

I'll bet Mrs. Petrie's a swell dancer.

Boy, she must be.

My feet are so swollen.

[groans] Oh, boy.

We did them all too, boy, the shag,

the twist, the monkey wrench.

The monkey wrench?

Boy, I can just see her doing that.

We also did a new one called the charley horse.

Only she did it, and I got it.

Ooh, boy, I felt like I was with a teenager all evening.

A little more milk?

Oh, thanks.

There you are.

Mrs. Petrie is a lot younger than you are, isn't she?

No, not really.

She just carries her age well.

Yeah.

Darling, do you know what I-- oh, Roger, you still here?

Oh.

Oh, yes.

Uh, I was just drinking some milk.

I'm leaving now.

Oh, that's all right.

I was just coming in to get the milk too.

No more left.

You can have mine.

No, that's all right.

I'll have orange juice.

[humming] - Well.

[humming]

I guess I'll be leaving.

You're coming tomorrow afternoon

to help Ritchie with his arithmetic, aren't you?

Oh, sure, sure.

Boy, you sure have done great with him, Roger.

LAURA: I don't know what we'd do without you.

- Aw. - Well, listen, come on.

I'll let you out the front door. - Oh, that's all right.

I'll go out this way.

I go over the hedge--

keep in shape.

Oh, OK.

Then we'll see you later. - Goodnight.

Goodnight.

Goodnight.

LAURA: Hey, darling?

Let's do one more chorus of the monkey wrench.

ROB: Oh, honey.

LAURA: Aw, come on.

You know, Rob, sometimes you act like an old man.

How do I love thee?

Let me count the ways.

Mrs. Petrie, if only--

(SINGING) As I was walking down the beach one bright

and sunny day, I came across a great

big box a-floatin' on the bay.

I pulled it in and opened it up and walked to my surprise?

I discovered a [tap-tap-tap] right before my eyes.

I discovered a [tap-tap-tap] right before my eyes.

Yeah.

Looks like things went well in the homework department, huh?

- They sure did. - Hi, Mom.

Hi, sweetie.

Can I help you with your packages?

Oh, thank you.

12 times 9?

108.

Oh, Roger, you're marvelous.

Hey, Mom.

Look at this.

Let's see. (READING) Je m'appelle Richard Petrie.

Ritchie, this is French.

Oui.

Read more, Mom.

Ma mere est tres belle.

That means my mother is very beautiful.

Oh, Ritchie, this is lovely.

I wanted to say were a good cook,

but Roger said this would be nicer.

Oh.

Well, either one is just great.

Thank you.

Roger, are we finished?

ROGER: Yes, Ritch. - Good.

Bonjour, Mama.

Hey, where are you going?

Buddy are I are gonna bury a dead rat.

You found a dead rat?

No, we're going buy one.

Ritchie, will you please tell me

where you can buy a dead rat?

Do you want one, Mommy?

No, I don't, and neither do you.

Now, go out and bury something healthy.

Oh, OK.

I would have made a rotten little boy.

How about a glass of milk?

Sure.

Now, where are my groceries?

Oh, uh, I put 'em away.

Roger, you're going to make some girl a wonderful husband--

uh, after you learn a few things.

Huh?

Well, like the clothespins don't go in the refrigerator.

Want to hand me a glass?

Oh.

How are things coming on the track team?

I quit.

Oh, after all that training?

Well, that was it.

I figured it out.

In the past two years, between practicing and the meets,

I ran over 700 miles.

And where am I?

What?

It has no meaning.

I run around the track and end up in the same place.

If I ran 700 miles in a straight line, I'd be somewhere.

Where?

Well, Canada, Ohio, or Pittsburgh.

I'd be running for a purpose.

Well, what about winning?

Winning what?

That I got no place faster than another guy?

Well, gee, Roge, when I was in high school,

my boyfriend was on the track team.

And, well, I think he did it to win medals

and maybe to impress me.

But that's about as deep as it went.

Did he?

LAURA: Did he what?

Impress you.

Oh my, yes.

He didn't win many medals, but he looked awful cute

in that track uniform.

Sure.

He found a deeper meaning.

He was running for love.

For love?

Well, yeah, I guess you might say that.

Was that guy Mr. Petrie?

Oh my goodness, no.

Between the runner and Mr. Petrie,

I fell in love with a basketball player,

followed by a halfback, a first baseman,

and, I think in my senior year, with a goalie

on the hockey team.

So you really like athletes?

Well, yeah.

I think at that age, most girls do.

But as I got older, I found out it really doesn't

matter how strong a fella is.

Or how short he is or how old he is or how rich he is?

Right.

Oh boy.

Roger, is there a girl behind your decision

to quit the track team?

What makes you think that?

Well, let's just say you have definite symptoms.

I do?

Like you're drinking too much.

Oh, I'm sorry.

No, that's all right.

Go ahead.

Have some more.

You, uh, want to talk about it?

Well, I'd like to, but I couldn't.

I wouldn't want to waste anyone's time.

Well, look it's a quarter to three.

There's no one in the place except you and me.

What seems to be the trouble?

Well, the whole thing is one-sided

and just plain fruital.

Fruital?

Completely fruital.

Well, look, Roger, you're young.

If one girl turns you down, you'll find another.

She didn't turn me down.

She doesn't even know how I feel.

Well, Roger, I am surprised at you and disappointed.

You know what you're doing?

You're admitting defeat even before the battle.

There's not going to be a battle.

My feelings must forever go unspoken.

It will be best if I just leave town and forget it.

Leave town?

Wow.

That does sound serious.

Serious?

It's hopeless, just hopeless.

Well, is there another fella?

Does she like him?

I think so.

Roger, you know it is just possible that this girl

feels the same way about you.

Why don't you talk to her?

Uh, I can't talk to girls.

Well, Roger, you're talking to me.

I don't feel so good, Mrs. Petrie.

I think I'll go home.

- Oh, Roger, what's wrong? - Oh nothing.

[chair scrapes]

Ooh.

I've just got to go.

Well, I'm sorry if our talk upset you.

Oh, it wasn't the talk.

It-- it was all that milk.

Uh, whoops.

Goodbye.

Honey, what happened to the milk?

Oh, it's all gone.

Between Roger and Ritchie, they polished off two quarts today.

Oh, gosh darn it.

What's the matter?

Well, you baked a great chocolate cake,

and there's no milk.

Oh, have coffee, dear.

I poured it for you.

Will you never learn anything?

This is a milk cake.

Not necessarily.

Now watch this.

Hmm.

What?

Ugh.

Oh, what do you know?

You drink soda with your peanut butter and jelly sandwiches.

I'll just have to have grape juice.

Rob?

ROB: Huh?

Has Roger ever talked to you about his problem?

What's his problem?

He hooked on milk?

No, he's hooked on a girl.

I guess he didn't talk to you.

Well, why in the world would he talk to me?

'Cause he talked to me.

Who's the girl, and what's the problem?

LAURA: Well, I don't know who the girl is,

but the problem is that it's a one-sided romance.

Well, if I was Roger, I'd just get rid of her

and get another one. - No.

That's the thing.

The girl doesn't even know.

I think Roger's too shy to tell her.

That's what he gets for drinking my milk.

Oh, that's awful.

Oh, Rob, it's really tough to be 17 and in love.

I mean, even if it is with a silly little girl

who has a ponytail and braces.

What?

Do you know her?

No, but I'm sure that's his type.

Gee, Rob, I wish you'd talk to him.

Me?

What about?

About how to handle this girl.

I wouldn't have the slightest idea how to handle that girl.

I'm an old married man.

Yeah, but when you were 17, you were known as Rapid Robert,

the devil of Danville High.

That name didn't have anything to do with girls.

Your mother said--

I know.

My mother said that to scare you, and you know it.

She figured you wouldn't want to marry a Casanova.

She didn't like you, you know.

I know it.

So how come they called you Rapid Robert?

Because I was a pitcher, and I had a great fastball.

That's all.

Honey, you married a very shy, retiring guy.

That's all.

OK.

Then how come five different girls wore your fraternity pin?

Because none of them wanted it, that's why.

They kept giving it to each other.

It was like a game.

The music stopped, and whoever got Petrie's

pin had to go out with him.

All the more reason for you to talk to Roger.

You're both the same-- shy, sensitive, searching for love.

Now wait a minute.

A minute ago you wanted me to talk to him because I

was a high school Casanova.

Now you want me to talk to him because I'm just as big a klutz

as he is.

Oh, I was only teasing.

Rob, I wish you would talk to him, kind of man to man,

maybe you could give him some confidence.

Well, honey, that's not my place to do that.

His own father ought to talk to him.

Oh, I know.

But sometimes it's a lot easier to talk to a stranger.

Why do you want to get involved

in Roger's love affair?

I don't know.

It's just something special about him.

I kind of get the feeling he's reaching out to me.

Good.

Then you talk to him.

I tried, Rob.

Come on.

Talk to him.

Oh, honey, I wouldn't even know what to say to him.

Oh, you'll think of something.

Anyway, it'll be great practice for you

because before you know it, Ritchie's gonna be coming

home with the same problems.

Yeah.

All right.

I'll talk to Roger.

And then when Ritchie comes to me,

I'll just refer him over to Roger.

Now look, when he's here tomorrow

afternoon working on the car, just give him an opportunity.

He's really dying to talk about it.

Well, I'll try, but I don't think

I'm going to be very much help.

Look.

All he needs is just a little confidence

and maybe a couple of tricks.

Tricks?

Yeah, you know, like the yawn in the movie.

- The yawn in the movie? - You remember?

When you were in the movies with a girl,

and you were too shy to put your arm around her,

so you went [yawns].

My gosh.

I haven't done that in years.

I hope not.

You know, that's only the first ploy, though.

You go [yawns] and then you go [laughs]..

[laughs]

You know many times I left a movie with a dead arm

because once I got it up there, I didn't have

the nerve to take it back down?

Listen, you had it easy.

I used to come home with a soggy sleeve.

All right.

I'll talk to Roger tomorrow.

I'll teach him how to get a dead arm

and how to give a girl a soggy sleeve.

I hope you can.

Yeah, for my sake.

Why for your sake?

Because then he can go to her house and drink her milk.

Really, I can manage alone.

Well, Roge, I'm sorry I'm such a bad mechanic.

I just-- where'd you learn so much about engines?

In school.

You really love them, don't ya?

ROGER: Uh-huh.

Well, I guess a guy knows where he stands with an engine.

Huh?

Well, you know, if you know what you're doing,

then-- then the engine will act accordingly.

A fellow could have a pretty good

relationship with an engine.

Huh?

Well, an engine's, uh, kind of like a woman.

They are?

Sure.

How?

Well, uh-- why--

why do they-- why do they call it a she?

You know, they say she's acting up, she's running smooth,

she blew a gasket.

Everything's she.

I never thought of it.

Why do they call an engine she?

Well, because it's like a woman.

Why?

Well, for one thing, they call it she.

You know, I mean if would sound kind of silly

if they call it a he.

You know, he's acting up, he blew a gasket,

he did this, and he--

well, that doesn't sound too silly, I guess, does it?

Well, let me put it this way.

You take-- take your carburetor.

That's the distributor.

Right, a very important part of the engine.

But the carburetor on a car, Roger,

is kind of like a woman's heart.

It thrives on a mixture of love and--

and the constant attention.

Mr. Petrie, why are you telling me this?

Well, Roger, frankly, I'm trying to talk

to you about your problem.

[horn honking]

I'm sorry.

[laughs]

Roger, I said I was trying to talk to you about your problem.

My problem?

It's your carburetor that's gummy, not mine.

Well, no, Roger.

See, I was just using the carburetor

as a kind of an example.

See, Mrs. Petrie and I like you quite a lot.

And, frankly, she's a little worried

about your romantic problem.

She is?

What did she say?

Well, we'd like to help you get your girl.

I don't think I want to talk about it.

What?

OK.

Uh, do you think we ought to boil that carburetor out,

or what?

What did Mrs. Petrie say?

Well, she says it keeps stalling.

No, I mean about me.

Oh, you want to talk about--

[thunk]-- talk about your girl?

It's not my girlfriend.

She never will be.

She's unattainable.

Oh, Roger, there's no such thing as that.

You take Mrs. Petrie.

What?

Well, when-- when we first met, she couldn't stand me.

Everybody thought I was crazy.

But I decided I wanted that girl.

What did you do?

Oh gosh.

I wrote her poems, and I called her on the phone.

You know, it embarrassed me and everything,

but at least I let her know how I felt about her.

And I think that's what you have to do.

- I do? - Yeah.

You know, and even if it doesn't work out,

you'll feel better because you tried it.

Would you promise me to do that?

Mr. Petrie, this is crazy.

Well, no, it isn't, Roge.

You know, walking around with an unexpressed love

inside of is like playing a symphony out in the desert.

It's beautiful, but who hears it?

Right.

Do you really love her?

Boy, do I.

Well, then Roger, I think it's your responsibility

to-- to let her know it.

It is?

Well, sure.

People who are loved should always know it.

Never-- never withhold an expression of love, Roge.

But I could never tell her.

All right then, write it down.

Look, Keats did it, Shelley did it.

Why not McChesney? - McChesney.

McChesney.

Write her a letter.

Maybe I could.

Good boy.

Look, if-- if you want, I'll help you with it.

Mr. Petrie, remember, it was your idea.

Listen, if you want it punched up,

just bring it over when you're finished.

[laughs] Petrie, you're a spellbinder is what you are.

I wonder what that is.

Bye, Mom.

Bye, Mom.

Bye, Dad.

Goodbye, Ritch.

Ritchie, aren't you gonna say goodbye?

Bye, Mom.

Well, darling, you and I are really to be congratulated.

Yeah?

I asked you to try to bring Roger out of himself,

and you did a beautiful job.

I did?

LAURA: Mm-hmm.

I guess you suggested that he write

a letter to his lady friend.

Yeah, and I said to send it over and punch it up.

Is that it? - This is it.

ROB: Read it to me.

Brace yourself.

To Helen of Troy, Cleopatra, Aphrodite, Juliet.

That must be some girl.

You are the personification of all the beauty, grace,

and mystery that is woman.

Good, good.

To say I love you would be a disservice to you and a lie,

for truly I worship you.

No mundane love could compare with the exalted feeling

I have for you.

Go, Roger.

Oh, yes.

He goes, all right.

I have lived with these feelings like a tiger stalking within me

but have never expressed them, even to myself,

since I know the foolishness of my plight.

Boy, he's got that girl wrapped up.

But still knowing that I may only worship you from afar,

I have at last found the voice that

will rid me of my internal emotional devils.

As Mr. Petrie said--

Oh, what did he mention me for?

--as Mr. Petrie said, walking around with an unexpressed

love is like playing a symphony in the middle of the desert.

Did you say that?

Well, yeah, but he shouldn't mention my name.

He should have put it, like, in the words of the poet,

so make a note of that.

Make a note?

Yeah, we make our corrections, and he'll send it.

Darling, he already sent it.

Huh?

(READING) Mrs. Laura Petrie, strictly personal.

[sighs] Rob, what are we gonna do?

Before I make any suggestions, how do you feel about him?

What is there to think about?

Oh, come on.

Oh, boy, what a letter.

Rob, there's more.

Huh?

(READING) Playing a symphony-- middle of the desert--

now that I have sounded the last note,

I hope it will linger forever as a tribute

to Laura Petrie, the fairest of women.

She walks with grace, in beauty, and has a youth and spirit

that belies her years.

Do you have to read it with so much feeling?

I mean, could you just, you know.

ROB: Oh, I'm sorry.

(READING) Now that I've spoken, I will say goodbye.

My cause is totally fruital.

I am leaving--

I am leaving town?

That's the part I'm worried about.

(READING) But wherever I go, I shall

always be your admiring servant and friend,

Roger Andrew McChesney.

P.S. Say goodbye to Ritchie, and tell Mr. Petrie he's

the luckiest man in the world.

Well, we have really done it.

Rob, do you think he's gonna leave town?

Well, honey, who knows what a kid like that's going to do.

He's liable to just quit school and go.

Why did we do this?

Will you promise me never, ever to talk me

into talking to anybody again?

I do.

Now you promise me something.

What?

You'll talk to Roger.

Honey!

You've got to.

You've got to make him see the writing that letter

is nothing to be ashamed of.

Yeah, you're right.

[sighs] Do you have any idea what you'll say to him?

No.

But whatever it is, he's gonna know I'm a comedy writer.

LAURA: What do you mean?

Well, I'm bound to make a fool of myself.

(WHISPERS) Roger.

- Mr. Petrie! - Shh.

This is a library.

Wait a second.

Um, you told me to do it.

I didn't want to do it. Roger, let's--

MAN: Shh. - --let's go outside.

I'm half your size!

Shh.

How'd you find me?

Your mother told me where you were.

Oh, my own mother.

Look, Roger, I just want to talk to you.

Look, I'm sorry I wrote it, but I'm glad I wrote it.

But you don't have to worry 'cause I'm leaving town.

Look, Roger, I am not worried.

You don't have to leave town.

Yes, I do.

No, you don't have to.

We're not angry, Roger.

Then I'll bet you had a good laugh.

We did not laugh!

Will you shh?

Oh, I'm sorry.

Roger, look, can we go outside?

No.

I like it better in here.

Look, Roger, I went through exactly the same thing

with Mrs. Mazzarelli.

Who?

My social studies teacher.

Every guy falls in love with an older

woman at sometime in his life.

Yeah?

ROB: Yeah.

It's kind of a part of growing up.

You find some older woman who represents your ideal

of what a woman should be.

And you picked Laura.

And wonderful choice, I might add.

The thing is it's an honor and a tribute,

Roge, that you love my wife.

[book slams]

Then you know I didn't mean--

Oh, of course.

Look, I never thought there would be anybody

but Mrs. Mazzarelli in my life.

And look what I ended up with-- Laura.

Yeah.

And look, you--

you started with Laura.

Can you think what you're gonna end up with?

Wow.

That's right, buddy.

Then you're really not mad?

Oh, of course not.

Look, we want you to come to the house

again and help Ritch and drink all the milk

you want, just like before.

I can't I'm leaving town.

Oh, gosh darn it, Roger.

I told you.

We're not mad.

MAN: Shh!

We're not!

You're probably a little embarrassed about it,

as anybody would be, but you certainly

don't have to leave town.

I do.

Look, Roger, I don't know what kind of movies

you've seen about the Foreign Legion and running away

and everything.

But take it from me, running away never solved anything.

But I'm not running away.

Well they, why are you going to leave town?

To be with my parents.

My dad's been transferred to Detroit.

Have a good trip.

Write.

Sure.

[chair scrapes]

Shh!

LAURA: (READING) And I won the 100-yard dash

and running broad jump in the Michigan High School finals.

The gold medals are really beautiful.

Oh, I guess he finally found the deeper meaning to track.

I'm also getting straight As in English.

I have the greatest teacher, Miss Bronson.

She makes 17th century metaphysical poetry

a beautiful experience.

You know, honey, I think he's trying to tell you something.

You've been replaced.

Oh, yeah?

(READING) Miss Bronson, although she is over 60,

can really communicate with teenagers.

Still think I've been replaced?

Well, yeah.

The kid likes older women.

He finally found one even older than you are.

[laughs]

What's that?

That's goodbye.

It's that easy.

Well, aren't you going to call me?

Oh, you came back.

[theme music]