04x08 - The Alan Brady Show Goes to Jail

[bunniefuu]

[theme music]

ANNOUNCER: "The d*ck Van d*ke Show."

Starring d*ck Van d*ke, Rose Marie, Morey Amsterdam, Larry

Mathews, and Mary Tyler Moore.

Warden, as spokesman for this group,

we think this is highly unfair.

Boxer, I think the trouble your g*ng

caused after the last show was unfair to me and the other men.

You don't deserve to see tonight's show.

Hey, Warden, we ain't going to cause any more trouble.

Cross my heart.

I cannot take any chances.

These people from "The Alan Brady Show"

have been kind enough to come all the way

up here to entertain us.

And I want to be sure there's going to be no trouble.

[buzzing]

Now, you quiet down.

Yes?

MAN (ON INTERCOM): Delp is here, sir.

Oh, hold it a minute.

I'll finish with you men after the show.

There ain't going to be no show.

What was that?

Oh, nothing.

Just an idle thr*at.

Guard, take them outside for a moment.

Right.

Oh, Warden, it's criminal.

That's what it is. It's not fair.

This just criminal.

[shouting]

Send Lyle in.

Warden, Warden, thank goodness you're all right.

I got here in time.

WARDEN: What is it, Lyle?

The men, Warden.

They're rioting in cell block three.

Burt Lancaster is holding Hume Cronyn hostage.

They're going to k*ll him if you don't meet their demands.

All right.

What are their demands?

They want Pat O'Brien back as warden.

Pretty good, huh?

How was the acting?

Did you like it, Warden?

Lyle, I like it much better when you do it as Jimmy Cagney.

Oh, Warden.

What else can I do for you, Lyle?

I got my friends outside.

They're here for the show. - Wonderful.

Bring them in.

OK, Warden.

OK, Rob.

Come on in.

I got him tied up.

Here they are.

Come on in, g*ng.

Here they are, Warden.

g*ng, this is my friend, the camp counselor.

Uncle Warden Jackson.

A sweetheart of a guy.

How do you do?

Hello.

This is Buddy Sorrell, Sally Rogers.

How are you?

How do you do?

And these are two of my favorite victims, Rob

and Laura Petrie.

How do you do, Warden?

How do you do?

So you're the ones he tried to hold

up in an elevator using a comb.

That's right.

Unfortunately, the comb wasn't loaded.

Oh, come on, Rob.

Don't take away my dignity as a criminal.

Lyle, you know very well you're

just not the criminal type.

I think you're right.

See.

Didn't I tell you?

He's a sweetheart of a guy.

I just want to say we certainly

appreciate your coming up here.

The boys are looking forward to it.

Now, if you ladies will follow me,

I'll show you where you can change.

I'll see you later, dear. See you later.

Hey, girls, be careful where you sit down.

Be sure the chair ain't plugged in.

Oh.

Mr. Petrie, you and Mr. Sorrell can use my office.

Anything you need?

Well, all I need is a prison outfit.

Oh, they're right here.

Oh, thank you.

Lyle, your best behavior.

Remember, you're our most trusted trustee.

Sure does believe in me.

Lyle, you're looking just great.

When are you getting out?

Pretty soon.

I bet you're counting the days by now, aren't you?

Oh, not really.

It's been kind of nice here.

Hey, why don't you stay in longer, you know,

after your term is up?

What for?

Build up a credit in case they nab you again.

Nah.

I'm a fully rehabilitated citizen now.

Yeah.

That's what you said the last time.

No.

This time I got to the root of my problem.

I went to the prison psychiatrist, and he helped me.

Well, that's wonderful.

What was it?

Uh, I like to steal.

Don't worry. You'll be back.

No, no.

I'm OK now.

And I found out I like something better

than crime, show business.

Hey, would-- would you get me a job when I get out?

We'll do what we can for you, Lyle.

Hey, why don't you become a comedy writer?

No.

I-- I can't write jokes.

What write?

Steal them.

That was very cruel.

[chuckles] Well, I've been doing it for years.

Incidentally, Lyle, what kind of an audience are these guys?

c*ptive.

Best audience in the world.

They're great.

Hey, do they like short fat cello players?

Hey, tonight.

They'll love anything, even if you play a kazoo.

Why is that?

Well, you see, we haven't had a show here in several months.

Gee.

I thought you have one every week.

Well, we do, you see, but the warden

had to postpone the last one because of the riot.

The riot?

Well, [chuckles] it wasn't exactly a riot.

It was sort of a difference of opinion with injuries.

Well, wh-- what was the riot about?

They didn't like the last show.

[chuckles] He's kidding us.

He's not kidding.

Lyle, you must be kidding.

They didn't have a riot after the last show, did they?

No.

It was during the last show.

What kind of a show was it?

Well, it was like sort of an amateur night.

We used local talent.

It was called "An Evening with Lyle Delp."

I was the emcee.

Wasn't it a good show?

Oh, it was a great show.

We had a guy sing "Granada."

And another fellow played the accordion, you know.

And he did "Lady of Spain."

Then we got two lifers to do a duet,

and one sang "Old Man River" and the other one went, hummmm.

And they didn't like that?

No.

I can't understand it.

What kind of shows do they like?

Strippers.

Well, they're not going to see any of that in this show.

Hey!

What?

Those are the craziest shorts I ever saw.

They were a Mother's Day present.

- Mother's Day? - Yeah.

I got them for my mother, but she wouldn't wear them.

Boy, that's what I call freedom.

Big car, lots of money, and flashy underwear.

With us it's cockamamie gray all the way.

I'll tell you what, Lyle, for a getting out present

I'll buy you a pair of wild shorts.

Make it polka dots.

OK.

Listen, you can do a favor for me.

Anything. Anything.

Will you get me a pair of pants?

They gave me two shirts.

The warden's a sweetheart, but he ain't show biz.

Hey, I better hurry up.

The show is scheduled for 8 o'clock.

Yeah.

And the riot for 9:00.

Here's the stage and all, g*ng.

Hey, listen.

I better go out there and warm them up.

OK?

I've seen their faces.

You better use a blowtorch.

Hey, you sure they like short fat cello players?

They'll love you.

You have nothing to be afraid of.

They never heard him play.

Lyle, do you think they'll mind our doing

a lot of jokes about prison?

No. They love them.

He's right, Laura.

It's basic psychology.

We love to be kidded about ourselves.

Isn't that what you told me, Rob?

Yep.

Well, how do you think they're going to feel about our

doing a dance with chains on?

Home sick.

Don't worry, Laura.

They'll love you.

Honey, did you bring the chains?

No, didn't you?

Oh, I must have left them downstairs.

I'll get them.

- Oh, well, hurry, darling. - I'll be back.

Gee. I'd better get out there too.

Hey, Lyle, don't be nervous.

Are you kidding?

This is my room.

OK, fellas.

[cheering]

Hi, guys.

Like I said, Lyle Delp, your good friend.

I came through for you.

We got a great show.

[cheering]

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Just shut up, Pop, huh?

Now, listen, you guys.

You're going to be a lot of fun, you see.

Now, we're going to have a lot of classy girls

come out here and nice guys.

I don't want any guys going crazy

and yelling out bad things.

You know what I mean?

A little class.

Do you understand this, dumb dumb?

I'm talking, and you're staring at me like I'm the yo-yo.

You're the one that's sick.

Like last time, Harry, I don't want with the toothpick,

you know, throwing it up at the stage.

Seeing if you can hit the girl.

There's no humor in that.

You understand?

Accept your punishment without grumbling,

and don't cause any trouble.

Gee, Warden, just because we done

one bad little thing do we have to suffer forever?

This isn't my decision alone.

Your fellow inmates, the prison council,

ruled that this would be your punishment.

What do they know?

They're just a bunch of ignorant criminals.

And what we did wasn't so bad. - No.

After all we did--

Back to your cells, men.

Oh.

- Oh, come on. - Jenkins.

JENKINS: Yo.

I have a few rounds to make.

Then I'm going to playhouse.

Take these men back to the cell.

You come with me.

JENKINS: All right, come on.

Well, that ain't very sporting of you, I'll tell you.

[shouting]

JENKINS: Let's go.

Let's go right now.

What's the matter with you?

Hey, hey, hey, hey, what are you doing here?

Oh, grab a suitcase.

Planning a little trip for the weekend, huh?

No. This is for the show.

Yeah, but you won't need it.

You're not going to the show.

What?

The warden said you guys are being punished,

you're not going to see the show.

Oh, you guys--

[chuckles] look.

I'm not one of them. I'm in the show.

This is a costume. - Sure it is.

Come on. Let's go.

Outside. - No, wait.

Wait a minute. Wait a minute.

You're making a terrible mistake.

Ask them. - Oh, yeah.

He's in the show. - That's right.

We're in the show.

We're chorus girls. - That's right.

No. No, they're not.

I'm a chorus-- no, look, guard.

I brought the show up here. I'm a writer.

Yeah. And I'm a camera.

I'm a microphone.

All right.

That's enough, you guys.

Everybody, out. - Listen.

You're making a terrible mistake here.

- Let's go. - Call the warden.

Hey, listen. I'm the president.

[shouting]

Hello, Warden.

[shouting]

The warden knows me.

Yeah.

He knows us too. - Look.

I'm telling you. Call the warden.

He'll tell you. - Yeah.

Now, look, you guys are in there because you're a troublemakers.

So just relax.

How can I make you understand that I'm not a--

I got it. Look.

Look at that, guard.

Look at that number. Look.

Check me in the files.

You won't find me there.

That is an unlisted number.

Keep it quiet and maybe next time

you'll get to see the show. - Wait.

Guard, wait. Wait.

Guard, come back.

Wait a minute.

Hey, what do you know about that?

They won't let Shakespeare out of jail?

What are you up to? You planning something?

That's it. It's a break, isn't it?

I'm a hostage?

You want-- you want better conditions?

Better food, I'll bet, too. Yeah.

Boy, I'll tell you something, you guys.

You deserve it.

Every-- every bit of it.

Hey, I'll tell you what I'll do. Let me out of here.

I'll go to tell the warden.

I'll tell-- I will.

What are you going to do to me?

We ain't going to do nothing to you.

It's just that if you're here, you

ain't going to be in that show.

Well, what does that accomplish?

Justice.

Justice?

If we don't see the show, nobody sees the show.

Well that-- fellas, that's not justice.

That's vicious.

Oh, I mean, you know--

I mean it's revenge.

Gee.

I always get them two confused.

Hey, look, you guys.

It's not going to do a bit of good anyway.

There's a lot of people up there that are going to do the show.

They'll do it right ahead without me, so holding me here

is not going to do any good at all.

So you might just as well let me out of here.

Guard!

Fellas, I'd like introduce to you

one of the great classical cello players of our time.

[booing]

Now, wait a minute.

Wait a minute now.

You see? You see?

Wait a second.

You see that's what I mean.

That's what burns me up.

You see?

That's why you guys are sitting here with the West Point cadet

suits on for being wise guys.

Now, let's have a little respect, huh?

Give the man a chance.

After he plays, we'll get him.

Let's hear it for one of the real great guys, Buddy Sorrell.

Let's hear it.

[applause]

[whistling]

A real sweetheart of a guy.

He does great imitations.

He did Dillinger so good they're holding him over for 20 years.

[laughter]

Well, you want to hear a little music.

You're going to hear as little as little as possible.

Peanuts, popcorn, chewing gum, candy.

Oh, doctor, I'm so nervous.

This is my first operation.

I know just how you feel.

You're my first patient.

[cello music]

30 days has September.

And my Uncle Irving for booking horses.

[laughter]

You know how they play Russian roulette in India?

One of the cobras is hard of hearing.

[cello music]

I told you guys it's not going to do any good.

There's going to be-- you're going to get in trouble.

Hey, yeah, you know, they might put us in jail.

[laughter]

Hey, fellas, look.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry you can't see the show.

Believe me.

If it was up to me, I'd let you see the show.

I don't care what you did.

Hey, you know, Shakespeare, you're an all right guy.

Well, thanks a lot, Harry.

You going to let me go?

No.

Hey, Mac.

Hey, Mac!

Yes, sir.

What do you do in the show?

Oh, well, nothing.

I just-- I sing, dance, joke just a little.

Nothing.

Hey, I'd like to see that.

Wouldn't you guys? - Yeah.

I'd like to see that.

But you aren't allowed up there, fellas.

Who said anything about up there?

Here. - Here?

BOXER: Yeah.

What do you want to do first?

Sing or dance?

What?

Yeah.

Do a little something, and then I'll call the guard

and tell him to let you go.

Wait a minute.

You mean, you want me to entertain here?

Why, sure.

You guys on TV is always saying thanks for letting us

into your living room.

Well, we're letting you into our living room.

And we ain't going to let you out.

And I'm supposed to know something about this business.

One day, a girl comes up to me.

She says, I got talent.

Make me a star.

I said, forget it.

You got nothing.

You know who that girl is today?

John Wayne.

[cello music]

And now, a song that has been sweeping

the country, and the country is sweeping it back to the city.

A song that you all love.

"It's Better to Be on the Rock Pile

Than To Have the Rock Pile on You."

[cello music]

Where's Rob?

I don't know, Laura.

You've asked a hundred times.

Nothing could happen to him.

Nothing?

The place is full of criminals.

You sure know how to hurt a guy, Laura.

Oh, Lyle, I'm sorry, but you know what I mean.

Don't worry.

He's only been gone a few minutes.

Lyle, we came in with four.

We'd like to leave with four.

Would you like to leave with five?

Where could he be?

He's probably downstairs chatting with the warden

about prison reforms.

Guard! [rattling]

Guard!

Guard!

Ow.

All right.

Knock it off there.

Now, I know why you're in there.

Boy, you're a real troublemaker.

He'll never learn.

Just keep it down in there, you guys.

And don't bother me anymore.

Guard, wait.

Wait!

Guard, what kind of a prison is this?

Maximum security.

A perfectly respectable citizen gets locked in a jail

cell, and nobody cares.

Oh, we care, Bob.

Rob.

Rob, it's just that we're starved for entertainment.

Go ahead.

Do something, huh?

All right.

The deal is that if I do something for you,

you guys will tell the guard the truth, right?

Right.

ROB: Promise?

Cross my heart.

This is silly.

Hey, Harry, what is that song that you like so well?

You know, with them all them doodahs.

HARRY: Oh, you mean the one we saw in the movie

last week with Will Rogers. - Yeah.

Yeah.

Do you know that song with all the doodahs in it?

With the doodahs? HARRY: Yeah.

Yeah Yeah. - "Camptown Races"?

Hey, that's it. That's one, yeah.

Yeah. Come on.

Sing it. - Come on.

Sing. - I don't know.

It's a pretty old song.

I-- I don't know. HARRY: Go on.

Try it.

Well, let's see.

[mumbles]

Yeah. Yeah.

[mumbles] OK.

Yeah.

Uh, uh, let's see.

Um.

(SINGING) Camptown ladies, sing this song.

ALL: Doodah.

Doodah.

A camptown racetrack five miles long.

ALL: Oh, the doodah day.

Hey, now, dance. Now, dance.

- Do a little dance. - Sing and dance.

Going to run all night.

Going to run all day.

ALL: I bet my money on a bob-tailed nag.

Oh, the doodah day.

Say, he's pretty good, huh?

[humming]

ALL: (SINGING) Doodah.

Doodah.

[humming] All the doodah day.

Yeah.

Yeah. Bravo.

Bravo.

Hey, Bob.

Bob, that's just great.

Yeah, you know, you're almost about as good as Will Rogers.

Oh, thanks a lot, fellas. Look.

I got to go now, huh? - No, no, listen.

Do something else, huh?

But you said just do one thing, and you'd tell the truth

and help me out.

Rob, we've got a confession.

We lied.

Mrs. Petrie, please don't worry.

There's been no indication of any trouble.

What do you mean by trouble?

Hey, I know.

Like him holding him hostage when

they're planning for a break.

Oh. BUDDY: Right?

Buddy, you should have your own TV show,

"The Amazing Mr. Stupid."

What are you trying to upset her for?

There's nothing to be upset about.

We'll have him back in no time.

From where?

Well, we're not sure yet.

Don't worry, Laura.

If they do anything to Rob, they'll never get away with it.

Oh, Buddy.

Hey, Sally.

I just introduced you. You're on.

OK.

Do me a favor, will you?

Just keep that there until I get back.

[cheering]

(SINGING) When I was a little bitty baby,

my momma rocked in the cradle.

In them old cotton fields back home.

When I was a little bitty baby, my mama

rocked me in the cradle in them old cotton fields back home.

Oh, when them cotton bolls get rotten,

you couldn't pick very much cotton in them

old cotton fields back home.

It was down Louisiana just about a mile or two

from Texarkana in them old cotton fields back home.

It may sound a little bit funny, but you

really don't make much money in them old cotton fields

back home.

It may sound a little bit funny, but you

really don't make much money in the old cotton fields

back home.

Oh, when the cotton bolls get rotten,

you couldn't pick very much cotton in them

old cotton fields back home.

It was down, down in Louisiana just

a mile or two away from the Texarkana

old cotton fields back home.

When I was a little bitty baby, my momma

rocked me in the cradle in them old cotton fields back home.

When I was a little bitty baby, my momma

rocked me in the cradle in them old cotton fields back home.

In them old cotton fields back home.

It was down in Louisiana, where we

used to have a little tiny shack about a mile

or two across the Texas border in the cotton fields back home.

[applause]

Look.

It's only a matter of time before I get out of here.

When the warden finds out you kept me locked in a cell,

you're going to be in some trouble.

Now, look, pal.

I know a great way to get into trouble

is to let a prisoner out of jail just because he

says he's a song and dance man.

I am not a song and dance man.

I am a writer.

Well, then write yourself a parole.

I simply came up here to entertain the inmates,

and I'll tell you something, I am never coming back again.

Hmph.

That's what they all say.

Say, Rob, we think you're an OK guy,

and we're going to help you.

You are?

Guard, he's not one of us.

He's with the TV show.

Now, open up this door and let him out.

Yeah, come on. Let him out.

Oh, thank you, guys.

I'll never forget this. Come on.

Open it up.

You must really be nutty.

I don't believe you, and I'm going to believe them?

We never thought of that, Rob.

We tried.

Look, Guard.

Look at me.

Do I look like a convict to you?

You don't act like one, but you sure dress like one.

That's it.

What's it?

I don't dress like one.

Is this the underwear of a criminal?

[cheering]

OK. Shut up.

Shut up.

I'd like you to meet two people who fingered me and got

me in here, but they're great.

Let's really hear it for them, huh?

OK.

Real big.

Rob and Laura Petrie.

Let's hear it.

Huh?

[applause and whistling]

Hit it, boys.

[music playing]

The worst thing I ever saw.

[music playing]

(SINGING) I've got your number.

I know you inside out.

You ain't no Eagle Scout.

You're all at sea.

Oh yeah.

You brag a lot.

Wave your own flag a lot.

But you're unsure a lot.

You're a lot like me.

I've got your number.

And what you're looking for.

And what I'm looking for just suits me fine.

BOTH: We'll break the rules a lot.

We'll be darn fools a lot.

But then why should we not?

How could we not combine--

BOTH: When I've got your number.

I've got the glow you've got.

I've got your number.

And, baby, you know you've got mine.

[applause]

[whistling]

[dance music]

[shoes tapping]

[applause]

OK, guys.

And now, we're in for a treat.

Rob has a surprise for us.

Oh, thank you very much, Lyle.

As a memento of our little visit up here

to Granville State Prison, we have a door

prize for some lucky convict.

We're going to give him a door and let him out.

[laughs]

No.

What it is is a beautiful transistor radio.

OK, Sally.

[murmuring]

Read the number.

And the winning number is 5278.

That's me!

Hey, I won it. I can't believe it.

That's me.

I won.

[clamoring]

Wait a minute.

[theme music]