04x12 - The Death of the Party

[bunniefuu]

[music playing]

PRESENTER: "The d*ck Van d*ke Show."

Starring d*ck Van d*ke, Rose Marie, Morey Amsterdam, Larry

Matthews, and Mary Tyler Moore.

[music playing]

[door rattling]

[doorbell rings]

5 o'clock.

[doorbell rings]

Oh, boy.

[sighs]

Hi.

I was so proud.

I dressed, I shaved, and I packed, and got

out without waking you up.

And you were so proud, you had to come back and tell me.

Honey, I forgot my keys and my money.

I'm sorry.

Well, I am sorry, honey.

The min-- the second-- the-- the second I

closed the door I knew I left the money and the keys.

Honey, I'm sorry.

Are you still mad at me from last night?

Rob, I'm not mad now and I wasn't mad last night.

Well then you please tell me what the heck you were.

I was disappointed at your inconsiderability.

It's not I'm inconsiderate.

I mean, if I'm anything, but I'm-- the only

inconsiderability I'm guilty of is talking to you

right now where there are three guys waiting for me to tee off.

Darling, go tee off.

I would-- I like to, but I'd like

to leave with the-- with the knowledge

that I have a happy home here.

LAURA PETRIE: OK, your home is happy.

Thank you.

But your wife isn't.

Oh, honey!

I know what's gonna happen.

I just know.

You're gonna go out there in damn foggy weather

and play 18 holes of golf, then you'll put in a full day's work

at the office, and I know, I just know,

you're gonna come home tonight and be either sick

or exhausted for the party.

Wait a second.

You get angry before the fact.

How do you know I'm gonna be exhausted?

Well, aren't you usually tired after playing golf?

No, I'm-- exhilarated.

Is that why you take a two-hour nap?

No, the exhilaration is-- is very--

is exhausting.

Honey, come on!

Look, I am not gonna ruin your party.

Aah!

There it is. ROB PETRIE: What?

There it is.

You keep saying your party.

Rob, it's not my party.

It's our party.

Well, honey, what I mean is it's your relatives.

What, when my family comes, you--

that's another argument right there.

Honey, it's just-- this is a question of golf versus party.

Oh, Rob, why can't you play on another day?

Because, honey, Jerry and the guys

have been planning this weekday golf game now for months.

We finally set on a definite date.

The one day that I'm having my family.

Uh-huh.

Now wait a minute, which date was set first?

What difference does that make?

Rob, it's my family.

And these are my friends.

Look, honey, there's three guys here, then you--

that is still another argument.

Not necessarily.

Yes necessarily, honey.

The only important thing is here is

that my playing golf this morning is not

gonna hurt the party tonight.

In fact--

BOTH: --if anything--

LAURA PETRIE: --it will help it.

- That's right. - Sure--

ROB PETRIE: --because

BOTH: --because all the pleasure--

--that you will derive from playing golf today will

make you a happier, more congenial

fellow for the party tonight.

You really expect me to buy that?

Well, yeah, honey, but I didn't

expect you to memorize it.

Honey, I gotta go.

OK, go ahead.

Just hope you have a little life left for the party.

[chuckles] The life for the party is--

the life of the party is gonna be--

I need a kiss.

I still need a kiss.

Ooh, Sal, remind me not to eat lunch at Burch anymore.

I always eat too much.

You-- you eat too much any place we go.

Remind me not to eat at any place.

Hey, Rob, I--

SALLY ROGERS: Shh. - What's the matter?

Don't wake him up.

Let him sleep. - What'd ya mean, let him sleep?

And let the soup get cold?

It's a sacrilege.

And so we'll reheat it.

Reheating it loses its medical powers and something

goes wrong with the noodles.

I think there's something wrong with your noodle.

Hi, Sal, so how was lunch?

Very cheap.

How do you feel, Rob?

Um.

Listen, try some of the chicken soup.

It's better than penicillin.

Oh, thanks, buddy.

I'm not very hungry.

It's not for hunger, it's for sick.

I don't know if I'm sick.

Make up your mind, we can't pay attention to rumors.

Oh, I may just be tired from playing golf.

You know that's something I can't understand--

how anybody can get up 4:30 in the morning,

run around in the wet grass just to chase a little

white ball with a stick.

Well, I play golf because it makes me feel good.

[scoffs] Well I got news for you, Rob.

If you feel good, you're doing a good job hiding it.

I'm-- I may be sick.

Well, I tell you, if you're really sick, then I'll be sorry

and I'm on your side.

But if it's from the golf, then I'm on Laura's side.

You better be sorry.

I just-- I can't tell, you know.

All right, let me feel your head.

Oh, it does feel a little warm.

Never take one person's opinion.

Feels cool.

You are holding a hot soup, stupid.

What stupid?

Somebody has to hold it.

You know, how I'm feeling not sick sick,

but I can feel like my entire body is mad at me.

Well, I don't know.

If I were your body and you got me up at 4:30 in the morning,

I hate you.

BUDDY SORRELL: Boy, if I were your body, I'd love you.

That means when I go clothing shopping,

I wouldn't have to go in a short and dumpy department.

Come on, have some chicken soup.

You get outta here with that miserable chicken soup.

Bigot.

Listen, go ahead, laugh at my chicken soup.

They laughed at Louis Pasteur, but he went right ahead

and invented milk.

Rob, do your eyes hurt?

Oh, boy.

Feel a little achy in the joints?

Oh, yeah.

SALLY ROGERS: You get chills?

ROB PETRIE: Have I got chills.

You know, I think you got the 24-hour virus.

Oh, boy.

Swell.

How can I get rid of a 24-hour virus before I get home?

Don't go home for 24 hours.

Oh, you know, maybe I don't have it.

You know, chills all by themselves don't mean anything.

At least I haven't got--

[coughing]

SALLY ROGERS: What did you say, Rob?

[coughing]

What is it you don't have?

[coughs] A cough.

[phone ringing]

Yeah?

Oh, hi, honey!

Huh? Yeah!

Oh, my gosh, I feel great.

I sh*t uh, 99.

[chuckling] Yeah.

No!

My gosh, I could play another 18 holes.

We're thinking on doing it maybe twice a week from now on.

[short cough then laughs] Oh, no miss, I am not gonna say

I told you so.

What?

Look at that, 24-hour virus cured

with a 10-second phone call.

Sure.

Don't worry about it.

I'll pick it up on the way home.

[short cough then laughs] OK.

Goodbye, honey.

[coughing]

How about that?

When he's talking to his wife on the phone, he's all better.

I guess that's love.

That's not love, that's fear.

Oh, boy, I can't even afford to have a hangnail today.

Tiredness, or sickness, or whatever it is,

it's got to be left to the party tonight.

Rob, you're sick. So what?

Wha-- what can you do about it?

Nothing, just be the big life of the party.

Hey, Rob, the life but the feeling as rotten as you do?

I'll just be the life of the party,

and when everybody goes home, I'm going to lay down and die.

Buddy, I think I could use some of that chicken soup.

You ate all the chicken soup?

I believe in preventative medicine.

Sal, would you order me some--

Oh, sure.

I'll get you some, Rob.

Ooh, how am I gonna keep this body tall and straight

for another 10 hours?

Hey, tell 'em to put noodles in.

Lots of noodles.

Starch!

It's a stiffener.

How many are coming?

Um, 16.

All to see your Uncle Harold?

I thought nobody liked him.

They don't.

Well then why are they coming and why are you having 'em?

Well, I think they feel sorry for him,

and it's an annual event, and it's my turn.

Well, I think you're crazy to fight with a nice husband

over an annual uncle.

LAURA PETRIE: No, we weren't fighting over the uncle,

and-- well, now we're not fighting about anything.

I talked to him this afternoon, he seems absolutely fine.

I guess I was wrong.

MILLIE HELPER: Can I help you with anything?

LAURA PETRIE: No. Thanks anyway, Mill.

Rob's gonna be home early to give me a hand.

MILLIE HELPER: Well, there is the difference.

They play golf together and Rob comes home early to help

and Jerry comes home early to collapse.

Hi, honey.

Ice cream man's here. - Hi.

Hi, Mill. MILLIE HELPER: Hi.

How's old Jerry?

Out like an old light.

Well, yeah, some guys can't take it.

[laughs] How does he feel?

Ooh, fine.

He's just tired, that's all.

You holler if you need anything. - Oh, thanks.

Bye. - OK.

Bye, Mill.

Rob, how do you feel?

Oh, honey, just great.

Just great.

sh*t a 99 today, Jerry had a 104.

Ha!

[laughing]

Oh, darling, you wanna put the ice cream on the freezer?

Oh, yeah. OK.

Honey, uh, maybe you better.

I can't find the place here.

Licorice ice cream?

Oh, that one that is.

Rob, licorice ice cream hardly goes with apple pie.

I'm sorry, honey.

It looked like chocolate.

I-- all that cold vapor coming at my face, I couldn't tell.

Yeah, but I asked you to get vanilla,

Oh!

Yeah.

Oh, hey, chocolate shouldn't be too bad on apple pie.

Yeah, except you didn't get chocolate.

Oh!

Yeah.

Yeah, well, it's all right.

We'll just have the apple pie with cheese.

Did you tell me to get cheese?

No, no, we have cheese.

Oh, good.

Can I be of any further help?

Uh, yeah, you can set up the bar for me.

Set the bar, all right.

Oh!

Uh, you wanna to set up the snack tables, too,

get them out of the den?

Set up the-- right, honey.

Hey, I think I'll take a hot shower or something.

OK, dear.

Oh, you better hurry.

OK.

Darling, what are you doing in there?

Rob?

Oh, Rob.

What?

What are you doing?

Taking a shower.

Oh, I'm sorry.

I-- I just lay down for a little while.

Rob, you've been in here for almost an hour.

Oh, no kidding.

Honey, I'm sorry.

You know, I think I apologized too fast.

You are tired.

No-- honey, I--

I feel great.

I sh*t a 99. Raring to go.

What do you want done?

OK.

Uh, set up the bar and the snack table.

Right. Honey, I'll be right with you.

[chuckling] Mmm.

I am hot.

Oh, boy, I'm gonna take my temperature.

How can a nap make you feel worse?

Ah!

I feel so hot and tired.

Is this a golf game--

[inaudible]

This hat and coat I got on.

It can't be that, it's gotta be I'm delirious from fever

talking to myself.

LAURA PETRIE: Rob?

You better hurry, darling.

Good, I wanna get dressed now, so would you

get those things set up for me?

Right, honey.

Yeah.

Hey.

Hey?

You still have on your hat and coat?

Well, yeah.

It's kinda chilly in here.

LAURA PETRIE: Oh.

99?

I feel a lot worse than 99.

[coughs] I probably didn't leave it in there long enough.

Boy, oh, boy.

Something rotten is going on inside.

It's funny my temperature's 99 and my golf score was 99.

[chuckles] Now what would really be funny if my golf score

was 98.6.

[coughs] Never try it again.

Thank you, doctor.

I'll do that.

I might as well start at 99 and go up.

[coughing]

[knocking]

MILLIE HELPER: Laura, come on.

Open up!

99.4, now we're getting somewhere.

[coughing] All right, Mill.

Hi.

Laura needed our ice.

Oh, good.

Whoa, is that cold ice.

You better put it in there.

It's gonna be warm water.

Yeah, you're right.

Hey, you know what that Jerry told me?

[continuous sneezing]

[indistinct chattering]

Gesundheit.

Will you stop already?

Rob, are you all right?

Mill, can I ask you a question?

Sure.

What?

If you were-- if you're having a party tonight and, uh,

Jerry came home and said he was sick,

what would-- what would you do?

I'll brain him.

What-- what if he has a raging fever?

You've got a fever?

Let me feel.

Ooh, you're warm.

Did you take your temperature?

Well, yeah.

Well, I-- I started to, and Laura came in.

I got up to 99.

And then I got up to 99.4, and you came.

I keep getting interrupted.

Does Laura know you got a fever?

I can't say anything at all or unless I'm legitimately sick.

Oh, yeah.

Well, where's Laura?

She's in dressing room.

Come on, let's take it quick.

OK.

Why don't you start it at 99.4?

Am I being disloyal to Laura?

For taking my temperature?

Yeah, I guess not.

Hey, Rob, you know something?

This is the first time we ever talk together.

I mean, you and me.

Usually, it's me and Laura, you and Jerry.

Why should it be that way?

Well, that's the way it is, I guess.

Women talk to women, and men talk to men, and that's it.

To each their own.

I mean, women understand each other.

Well, so do men but actually, I think

women understand men better than men understand women.

You're children.

I mean, like, you have to go play

golf this morning even after Laura pleaded with you not to.

And now you're sitting there, you're

afraid to tell Laura you don't feel good, unless you

can prove you're really sick and not

just tired from playing golf.

And suppose you do have a fever, what are you gonna prove?

That you got sick playing golf early in the morning

on a damp golf course.

Laura's right either way.

Either way, you're gonna spoil their party.

Rob, what are you doing?

You convinced me.

I don't wanna know how high it is.

Why?

Because if I know I got a high fever, party or no party,

I'm gonna collapse.

But if I don't know what my temperature is and I'll make

it to the party, then I'll die.

Well, supposing you got something serious?

I am gonna take my chances.

Millie, you're a woman.

You know that the 24-hour virus is not

as painful as a two-week cold shoulder.

[sneezes]

[music playing]

MAN: Oh, ho, ho, well.

[indistinct party chatter]

[coughing]

And how's my favorite niece?

Ah.

You know, she's always been like a daughter to me.

[chuckles] There's my own daughter

Grace has been like a niece to me.

Oh, Uncle Harold, great try.

UNCLE HAROLD: Yeah.

So did your mother.

Family affair.

Oh, well, here's the phantom husband.

Where have you been hiding?

Well, I-- I haven't been hiding.

Yeah, the last time I saw you was

when you took my hat and coat.

Well, uh, Rob's-- he'd been helping me.

I've been helping her.

Yeah, I can see that.

Two-fisted drinker, huh?

Oh, this is for you, Uncle Harold.

- Oh, well, thanks. - Here's there, Paul.

Oh, thanks, Rob.

Say, how about a little toast to the host and hostess?

Come on, come on.

A toast, toast.

To Rob and Laura.

This tastes like it's all ginger ale.

Tastes like it's all [inaudible]..

I-- I see, I'm sorry.

I must have put all in the-- one of the-- one of the other.

Let me fix it.

Yeah, well just put an ice cube in that and watch.

Do you want something in yours, Harry?

I'm Paul.

Oh, I love to tease.

[laughter]

Take that out. - OK.

You just fix it.

Phew.

Ugh.

[coughing] 10:30, I just may make it.

Well, you really are Mr. Cooperation, aren't you?

Huh?

You just won't make an effort.

Well, uh-- no!

Honey, it's not fair.

All night long, everybody's been saying,

what's the matter with Rob?

Where is he?

What's the matter with Rob?

Well, nobody asked me what's the matter with the Rob.

I could've told 'em.

Yes, I could tell 'em, too.

Sorry, Cousin Grace, Rob's fingers are very tired,

you see, from having played golf all morning.

No, Uncle Harold, Rob does have a sense of humor.

It's just that he thinks you're a big jerk.

He is, you know.

That has nothing to do with it.

I'm going to join our guests.

Shall I count you in?

In what?

Charades.

Are you gonna play Charades?

Well, we are.

You can do whatever you like.

I'll play.

I'll play.

I'll play and then I'll die.

I'm gonna be sorry.

Oh, Charades, that's gonna do it.

Ah-- ah, a bee--

bee- two bees. - No.

Uh, not two bees.

Two bees, not two bees!

To be or not to be!

[cheering and clapping]

Grace, that was very good.

Yeah.

My own daughter.

When she plays on my side, she's terrible.

I've never been on your side, father.

Well-

See, are you sure the rest of you wouldn't like to play?

How about you, Frank?

No, he don't wanna play.

Eh, come on, Bob, it's your turn.

I'm waiting to see you in action.

Oh.

[sniffles] Let's see.

Let's see, uh--

A book.

"Gone with the Wind."

"Kinsey Report."

Uh, "From Here to Eternity."

"Lolita.

Uncle Harold, why don't you give him a chance?

Well, all right, all right. But hurry.

Uh, three words.

[coughs]

First word, cough.

[coughing]

Cough, cough.

Sounds-- sounds like cough?

Yah, ah, a little word.

Oh, little word.

To, from, that, and, the-- the?

The, the, the.

[wheezes] [sneezes]

The sneeze.

[coughs]

The cough!

LAURA PETRIE: Uh, the cold.

"The Cold Wind in August."

Uh, first word, "the."

[coughs]

The wheeze!

"Pop Goes The Weasel!"

Rob, no sounds now.

Oh, you made sounds.

- Go ahead, dear. - [coughs]

Oh.

I-- it's not the cold.

It "the," "the."

The second word, first part.

OK.

[sniffles] Aah.

Um--

The horse.

A-- a pony!

Uh, cowboy.

Gallop?

Gallup poll!

OK.

Um, ah, run.

Trot, canter.

Uh, duck canter?

Duck canter.

Al Jolson "The Jazz Singer!"

Jazz singer?

He was a canter in that.

Oh, Father, sit down please.

Second word, second part.

Eh, dig.

Uh, shovel.

Uh, dirt?

Candidate.

"The Manchurian Candidate!"

[inaudible].

Uh, um, mine.

Hole.

Ditch.

Uh, ditch.

What, mine.

Uh, ditch. Faint.

Fall.

Di-- no, dead-- wait a minute.

Do something else. LAURA PETRIE: Uh, no.

No, I'm get-- bury.

Bur-- "The Canterbury Tales?"

Yay!

[clapping and cheering]

Oh, I never heard of it.

Rob, that was marvelous.

Yeah, we won, didn't we?

WOMAN: No, we lost!

Rob?

What is it?

"The Canterbury Tales."

Rob?

My goodness, he has a fever!

He's burning up.

Well, let's get out of here.

It might be contagious.

Call the doctor, please.

Yeah, Harry here's a doctor.

I'm not a doctor, I'm Paul!

I don't care who you are.

You can dial a telephone, can't you?

What's up to now?

It's the same as before, dear.

It's 103.

Can't be very good medicine.

Well, darling, give it a chance to work.

You only took it 10 minutes ago.

ROB PETRIE: I have never felt so bad in my life.

[coughs] What?

You're not keeping anything from me, are you?

Oh, Rob, come on.

The doctor said you have a virus flu.

That's what he told you in here.

What did he say when he took you to the door?

That's where they always tell the loved ones the truth.

You're right, darling.

I shouldn't try to hide this from you.

He said there's no chance.

Of what?

Of your being mothered and spoiled any more than four

or five days.

He also said that you couldn't possibly

have caught this on the golf course this morning

and be as sick as you are tonight.

You got to believe him, you've got to call him a consultant.

Rob, why didn't you tell me you were sick

instead of running around like a kid trying to hide something?

Millie said--

And the next time, would you please talk to me?

I'm your wife.

I happen to love you.

Is that affection or were you taking my temperature?

Both.

Temperature's still 103, but see the affection's about 97.4.

Isn't that a little low for affection?

Well, with a fever of 103, you couldn't take much more.

[music playing]