04x14 - Stretch Petrie vs. Kid Schenk

[bunniefuu]

[theme song]

ANNOUNCER: "The d*ck Van d*ke Show", starring d*ck Van d*ke,

Rose Marie, Morey Amsterdam, Larry

Mathews, and Mary Tyler Moore.

LAURA PETRIE: Rob.

ROB PETRIE: What?

There's a package here for us.

Listen, darling, I gotta leave.

Honey, we have got to stop piling junk up in that garage.

Do we have to save his T-R-I-C-Y-C-L-E?

LAURA PETRIE: The what?

Don't throw my old tricycle away, Daddy.

I need the wheels for my machine.

Well, go take the wheels off then, Rich.

He spells better than you do.

And why not?

He's my S-U-N.

[laughs] What's that?

I don't know, dear, it just came.

Hey, that's an attaché case.

Oh, look there, it has your initials on it too.

Well, who do you suppose did that?

It's not my birthday.

What's that?

Perfume.

Mhm.

In one minute, your telephone will ring.

Well, what a crazy note.

I wonder who it is.

[phone rings]

Let's ask.

Hello.

Who?

Neil Schenk, you son of a g*n.

How are you, Neil?

Uh?

Yeah, long time no hear you either.

[laughs] Oh, the old ball and chain is fine.

[chuckles] Yeah.

You sent the stuff, right?

Yeah, well, listen.

You shouldn't have done that.

Of course, we like it, but--

dinner tonight?

Oh, no.

Well, ah, I don't know, ah, Neil.

Well, we'd like to go to a restaurant with you,

but look, Neil.

You're welcome here.

How about the Royal Oak at 7 o'clock, huh?

Rob, what the--

Hey, hold on a minute, Neil.

Honey, will you--

I didn't say a word.

Well, you're standing there going--

Neil, listen.

It's OK, we'll-- we'll meet you.

All right.

Laura?

Yeah, just saying she's right here.

Oh, Rob, I don't wanna talk.

Come on.

Will you talk-- will you talk to him?

Hi, Neil.

Gee, what a surprise.

Yeah.

Oh, yes, we just love them.

Fine, we'll see you there at 7:00.

Bye.

Gosh, Neil Schenk, the kid from Westville.

The kid, mhm.

Well, honey, he's an old friend.

And he calls you stretch.

I hate that nickname.

Honey, he used to call me stretch since the 9

B. And don't forget--

That he recommended you for your first job.

How can I forget, darling?

He'd never let us.

Honey, that's not fair.

Well, neither is he.

Every time he comes to town, he wants something from you.

Look, honey, I don't like him much any better than you do,

but he's my best friend.

Your best friend?

Well, best, worst, oldest, what's the difference?

I'm-- I'm kinda looking forward to seeing him.

You know something, darling?

You're too loyal.

Well, you count your blessings, honey.

[squirms]

What?

What kinda of a kiss was that?

It's the only place on you that's clean.

I don't want to get must.

How come whenever your wife looks the prettiest,

you can't touch her?

Be back in two hours.

What do suppose Neil wants this time?

No, hon, he just wants to see us, that's all.

See you later.

OK.

Neil Schenk, briefcase, perfume and dinner out--

oh, he wants something, all right.

- Mr. Petrie. - Yes.

You're wanted on the phone.

Oh, yeah.

It's probably Neil, maybe he can't come.

This way.

Thank you.

[snaps fingers]

Ah, Neil.

Laura, hey, you look beautiful.

Thank you.

Mhm.

And what is that expensive fragrance you're wearing?

Oh, yes, thank you for the perfume.

Oh, don't mention it.

Hey, go along with me on this.

On what?

Just for laughs.

What, ah-- [laughs]

Hey, there wasn't anybody at--

hey!

I was just saving your place, Mr. You know the kid always

likes to make a wild entrance.

Hiya, stretch, you son of a g*n.

[chuckles] I'm just fine, thanks.

Oh, you sent me away.

Yeah, that's right.

I-- I tipped the maitre d.

Little green goes a long way, huh, stretch?

[laughter]

Hey, by the way, thank you for sending

all the gifts and things, but you didn't have to do.

NEIL SCHENK: Oh, of course, I had to do it.

That's the way the kid operates.

Besides, you're two of my best friends.

Listen, how's your wife?

Oh, ex-wife, I blew another one.

I am sorry.

Oh, don't be.

You know, I do such a volume business,

the judge gives me group alimony.

[laughs] Hey, you can use that, stretch-a-roo.

Well, what are you doing in town, Neil?

Oh, let's save the goodies for dessert, shall we?

Wait a minute.

Wait a minute.

What are you doing at this terribly, awful table?

Well, the head waiter gave it to us.

Oh, up, up, up.

Neil's friends do not sit in hidden corners.

Pick up our little Martinis and we'll go to the window.

To the window where we can have a fabulous view and New York

City can gaze upon us.

Well, this table was fine. We didn't--

Oh, no, no, no.

When Neil the wheel deals, we all move, huh.

The sign says reserved, Neil.

I know.

That one says exit, but are we leaving?

Sorry, sir.

This table is reserved.

Yes, and it'll be just perfect thank you very much.

Why don't you just step right over here.

You see, we're having a little party here

and this is the head writer of the "Alan Brady Show".

- Oh, Mr. Brady. - Do you get it.

Yeah.

Mr. Brady may be here himself tonight.

So if you're kind to cooperative with us,

we'll certainly be very cooperative with you.

You know what I mean?

Thank you, kindly.

All right, I'm a big favorite here, you know that.

Well, let's glance at the menu.

Anything look appealing, huh?

Well, duck looks good.

Yeah, only to another duck.

[chuckles] You got it, little stretch?

What about let's order up the most expensive thing?

Go ahead.

Oh, my goodness.

Oh, don't be frightened.

Come on, get the most expensive one.

No, I mean, I left my purse at the other table.

It's on the--

NEIL SCHENK: Here, here, here.

Don't nobody move.

Tonight, everything is on me, kids, even the Arabs.

[laughs]

He's after something.

Oh, yes.

Yeah, your kids are doing all right.

How's he really treating you, Laura?

Oh, well, we're doing just fine.

Thank you. - Yeah.

Yeah, you really got it made.

And going on from that little suggestion of a job

I made, that all this would springboard

this way, that's just terrific.

Well, I'll never forget it, Neil.

Yeah.

Oh, would I let you?

[laughs nervously] I doubt it.

After all, what are friends for, huh?

Right.

I'll tell you what friends are for.

There's an agency around, I wonder if you've

heard of them, an advertising agency,

Simpsons, Sampson and Sloane.

[clears throat] That's the agency that

handles my television show.

NEIL SCHENK: Oh.

Isn't it a small world?

Well, they're looking for a new contact man for the "Alan

Brady Show", you know.

Oh, I remember.

They're moving Ted Thompson up.

He's a heck of a nice guy.

NEIL SCHENK: Yeah, I hear that, I hear that.

He's probably a relative, you know.

Well, guess who is in line for the job?

[chuckles] I don't wanna shock you, but the initials are N-S.

[laughs] Neil Schenk, I bet.

I don't mean Norman Sweet Cream.

Hey, imagine if we're working together,

you and I, week after week, just having a ball, huh.

Just imagine that.

Yeah.

Ah, how, ah-- how, ah, sure is this, Neil?

Well, I'll tell you.

Telling them I knew you helped quite a bit, you know.

Hey, you know something?

Boy, that Bill Sampson thinks a lot of our boy, stretch, here.

Now all I need is just a little, ah-- little letter.

Of-- of recommendation?

Yeah, no, nothing much.

Not a big pretentious job like I--

like I put together for you.

Just a nice little letter with a few facts, you know,

maybe you can-- - (SIGHS)

--kinda flatten them up a little, you know, stretch?

Kinda-- kinda stretch your point a little, huh?

Would, ah-- it would sure even up an old score,

wouldn't it, pal?

Right, it would.

[chuckles]

Hey. Hey, wait a minute.

Don't-- don't forget your cake, huh.

- Oh, yes. - Oh, yeah.

Well, we had a terrific time, huh?

Just great.

Well, I'll see you later, huh.

Don't forget, if you want those dresses wholesale,

just call my boy, Morty Goldapper.

Tell him the kid sent you, huh. - All right.

NEIL SCHENK: Laugh so long.

[laughter]

That was a nice, quiet evening.

[chuckles] Well, I got a half a cake and you got a number

to get dresses wholesale.

Well, at least we found out what he wants.

Yeah.

Let's get some sleep.

I'm too tired to sleep.

Let's just sit down and rest for a minute, huh.

Doggonit, if that guy was just mean or nasty or something,

it'd be easy to refuse him.

I mean, who else would insist on bringing

us all the way home in a taxi?

Yeah, but now your car is downtown.

You're gonna have to take a train to work.

Oh, yeah.

Hard to say no to the kid.

So you always say yes to him, and then you

end up getting mad at yourself.

Well, honey, he always does something

for you that you later realize didn't have to be done.

But he does it with such a flourish.

Can we sell this sofa?

Move over.

Doggonit, honey, the thing is Neil's not right for that job.

He hasn't got the experience or anything else.

Yeah, but you'll write him a glowing recommendation anyway,

and then you'll smash your fist through the door.

Oh, I will.

This time I'm gonna smash my fist through the door first.

I'll break my hand so I can't write the letter.

How can I do that to a friend?

You know, if he were a real friend,

he wouldn't put you in this position.

Well, that's the thing is he's an old friend.

When we were kids, he used to help me all the time.

He taught me to skip a rock on the lake, first time.

He taught me to ride my first two wheeler.

Neil Schenk gave me half of his paper route.

If I known Neil, he taught you to ride the bike so you could

take half his paper routes.

How much did he get out of it?

20%.

See?

Everything he's done for you has ended up being for him.

Yeah, but somehow it always worked out good for me too.

Well, we can sit here and discuss it for hours,

but I know that tomorrow I'm gonna

write some kind of a letter.

I have to.

Well, honey, he's like a brother to me.

Would you recommend your brother for this job?

Yeah, I would.

You would?

Yeah, he's better for the job than Neil Schenk is.

Why don't you just tell a big fat lie, write the letter

and forget it.

Oh, Buddy, where are your principles?

Well, my high school principal's in New Jersey.

Oh, shut up!

My primary school principal was

arrested for stealing pencil.

Poof.

Listen, I forgot to ask you the most important qualification.

Is he single?

Ah, married three times, divorced three times.

Ah, shows he's consistent.

ROB PETRIE: [chuckles]

It shows he's sick.

Well, give him a little chicken soup.

It'll make him like a new man.

It's not that.

Thanks a lot.

Well, we're sitting here knocking Neil so much,

I'm beginning to feel guilty about it now.

Ah, don't feel so bad.

I love pickles, but if somebody asked me

if she'd make a good wife, I would have to say no.

Buddy, you shouldn't talk like that.

You know, if I were your wife--

Call her, maybe we could make a deal.

Sick, sick-- the whole world is sick.

I'm the only healthy one in it.

Oh, cancel that.

I just sharpened my pen.

Look, guys, we've wasted a half a day here

and it's my fault. Let's forget the stupid letter.

We got a stupid show to write here.

Well, after two hours of editing and rewriting,

here's what it boils down to.

Go ahead.

"Dear Mr. Sampson.

I have known Neil Schenk for many years.

We have worked together on several occasions.

Yours truly, Rob Petrie."

That's a little short.

Gee, you could have mentioned the rock skipping.

Boy, it's hard to write nothing than something.

Well I don't know what to tell you, darling.

Come on, Rich.

Let's get your pajamas on, brush your teeth and wash your face.

If I do all those things, will you give me something?

I'll give you something if you don't do all those things.

Oh, mom.

That room of yours needs picking up.

It's like a disaster area.

[doorbell rings]

(SIGHS) Neil, what are you doing way up here?

Stretch, for you, I'd go anywhere.

[laughs]

For me?

Yeah.

Well, I had to come over.

It's about that letter.

I decided it wasn't right for me to ask you to write it for me.

You did?

Yeah, well, listen.

You're a busy man, you know.

You got your own show to write and-- and you get

paid for doing that.

You know, it isn't right for me to ask you to write

a letter for me for free.

Oh, well--

So I wrote the letter myself.

All you gotta do, old buddy boy, is just sign it.

You, ah, wrote this yourself, huh?

Yeah.

Of course, it isn't socko like the stuff you write, you know.

But-- but I'll bet you they'll love it down at the agency.

Go, ahead, sign it.

Just put your old stretch Hancock right there, huh.

Would you-- do you mind if I look it over again?

No, go ahead, but don't read it out loud.

I, ah-- I get kind of embarrassed.

[chuckles] Well, ah, nobody ever got a job for modesty, huh?

[chuckles]

Neil, do you-- do you really feel

that you have extraordinary leadership qualities?

Well, look, who knows the kid better than the kid, huh?

Ah.

I-- I didn't know that you spoke four languages.

Oh, may, wee-wee, si-si, la-la and da-da.

I go through all those foreign of movies, you know.

Come on, pal, just put your Marcello

Mastroianni right there, huh.

Come on, sign it.

Boy, this is--

you know something, Neil?

You're terrible.

Yeah, I know, but I'm adorable.

Come on, pal, sign it.

I wanna get going.

Hey, Rich.

You know Mr. Schenk, don't you?

Yeah, just call me, Uncle Neil, Rich.

Sign, Rob.

Goodnight, Daddy.

Goodnight, Uncle Neil, Rich, Sign, Rob.

[laughter]

He's got a good sense of humor.

Yeah, chip off the old stretch, huh.

Ritchie, your dad and I have a little business to discuss,

you know.

And oh, you're getting a little sleepy, aren't you?

Why, them little eyeballs are starting to droop

right out of your head there.

Look, ah, if I give you a nice-- nice shiny new quarter,

will you just go right to bed, huh?

No, don't give him money, Neil.

What, the kids gotta make a living.

How about that?

Now you put that quarter under your pillow,

and I bet in the morning when you wake up,

you'll find a brand new tooth, huh.

[chuckles] Hey, that's a good one, huh, Stretchy boy.

I'm switching the old g*ng.

You shouldn't give him money, Neil.

Oh, listen, it's one of my few pleasures.

Now let me enjoy. - Thank you.

Goodnight, Daddy.

Goodnight, Rich.

[chuckles] Yeah.

He's getting to be quite a little man there.

Yeah. Good.

Look, I got my life double parked.

Ah, just sign that, will you, pal?

Ah.

Just put the old John Hancock right there, huh.

You know you-- you kind of stalling around like-- like Art

Carney used to do, you know, when he

didn't want to sign something.

Yeah, he was a funny guy.

[starts making funny sounds]

Look, I mean, if you don't want to sign it--

Well--

NEIL SCHENK: Look, maybe it's not in the cards for me

to have that job. That's all.

I mean, I just wanna know honestly, you know.

Some guys get the breaks and some don't.

I mean, who knew that when I mentioned you for the job,

it would springboard to all this?

But you know, look-- look, I'll ask you, pal,

but I'm not gonna beg.

I mean, one thing I never do is beg.

Neil, I don't want you to beg, Neil.

Neil, I'll kneel, I'll beg, I'll crawl.

I'm down here, I'll sing "Mammy" for you.

Oh, baby, you've signed.

We're gonna work together.

Oh, that's terrific.

I'll get this right in the mail.

[chuckles] Oh, you're a real case stretch-a-roo.

Darling, who was here?

Neil?

Yeah.

Well, I'm not mad at him, honey.

I'm mad at me.

Why?

Well, he came over here, all the way out here

with a letter of recommendation he wrote himself, and--

You didn't--

Who didn't?

Oh, Rob, how could you?

Oh, it's easy because I'm a dumb-dumb.

Well, that's no excuse.

Boy, it may not be an excuse, honey,

but it's sure a good reason.

I always know exactly what I want to say to that guy

and I never can say it.

You know, there ought to be a statute

of limitations on how many times you have to repay a favor.

I've repaid it about nine times now.

Well, at least we don't have to worry about it anymore.

I mean, you did it.

Dumb-dumb, as it were, it's over.

Finished.

Oh, no, it's not.

It's not over till after lunch Thursday.

What's lunch Thursday?

The lunch I'm gonna take Mr. Sampson to give

Neil a personal recommendation.

When did you arrange that?

It's in the last paragraph of Neil's letter.

Hi.

I'm wearing a green knit suit with matching

blouse and kit shoes.

It's only $90 at Antoine.

I don't know.

You know, the food is terrible here,

but it's my favorite restaurant.

[laughs] Yeah, we were-- we were here the other, ah, night.

You very nervous about something?

No, why?

Well, you're crumbling my crackers.

Oh, I thought you were having some soup.

That's my lunch.

Just tell me what's on your mind.

Well, I--

This is a Japanese silk dress by Shumata.

Remove the top and you have a bare back.

Remove the sash, here, and you have a bare midriff.

Only $190.

Buy it, you got a bare bank book.

[laughter]

What were you saying, Rob?

Well, [clears throat] Mr. Sampson, it's about

the letter I sent you.

Ooh, about this Neil Schenk.

Yes, I got it this morning.

Very, very flattering.

Yeah, I read it.

Why, I mean--

You say what?

How-- how much is that?

I beg your pardon.

How much?

Well, of all the nerve!

You can't tell the models without a menu.

[chuckles] That's right.

Rob, you were talking about this Neil

Schenk and that wonderful letter you wrote.

Yeah.

You know, I have read a lot of-- lot of letters

of recommendation in my time, but that was the most

flattering I have ever read.

This, ah, Schenk must be quite a boy.

Oh, he's still quite a boy.

Robbie, you know how highly we think of you at the agency.

Now anybody that you approve of that strongly is in.

You know, frankly, until we got your letter,

he wasn't even in the running.

Ah, Mr. Sampson, I'd like to kick that around a little.

Sure, if you wanna make a personal pitch, fine.

Well, what I would like to do is unpitch it.

I don't follow you.

Mr. Sampson, I, ah--

I didn't write that letter.

What are you saying?

Well, I'm saying that I didn't write that letter.

Wait a minute.

Let me get this straight.

You didn't write the letter, but you signed the letter?

Well, yeah, but I--

I don't endorse it.

Who wrote it?

Well, ah, Neil Schenk composed it.

BILL SAMPSON: Oh, really.

Is any of it true?

Well, partly, yeah.

He can say yes in four languages.

Robbie, I'm a little disappointed in you.

Well, me too.

Now wait a minute, I want to understand this.

Why did you sign the letter?

Ah, Mr. Sampson, did you ever have an old friend who, just

by accident, did you a favor that turned out, just

by a string of events, to be the biggest break in your life

and he won't let you forget it?

George Crenshaw.

Yeah.

Ah, who's George Crenshaw?

Oh, he's my Neil Schenk.

He introduced me to my wife years ago.

Now he thinks that's an open invitation to spend

Christmas with us every year.

I guess everybody's got one of those, huh?

Well, I just was so afraid you're gonna take

that recommendation seriously.

Well, we did.

Well, I guess I have to thank you for touching bases with me

on this.

But I-- you know I'd hate k*lling

Neil's chances for the job.

You hate it?

Listen.

Do you know that your Neil Schenk

was my only reason for not considering

Crenshaw for the job?

Oh.

It's gonna be so tough to tell Neil.

Yeah.

Yeah, I know what.

You write the letter and I'll sign it.

[laughs]

Hey, is that stretch beautiful?

First he signs that gorgeous letter of mine,

then he takes Sampson out to lunch

and makes a personal pitch for me.

Now who else would do a thing like that, huh?

Ah, don't look at me.

I guess that Rob's a $1, right?

Yeah, next to him, boy, Peter Pan was a dirty old man.

Gee, I don't know how to thank you.

In fact, I'm not even going to try.

Well, here comes the Prince of good fellowship now.

Hi, Neil.

Ah, listen, can I talk to you alone a minute?

NEIL SCHENK: Why?

Let's let everybody hear the good news, huh?

Well, I can tell them later.

BUDDY SORRELL: What do you mean later?

And we sit here all week long listening to your problems,

a little bit of good news and you want

to throw us out of the office. - Buddy.

What?

I got some real good news for you.

They got fresh apples in the vending machine.

Yeah, winesap or delicious?

Macintosh.

Oh, boy, my favorite.

You gotta know how to handle him.

Hey, ah, I'll fill you in on the details later, Sal-Sal.

OK, Neil-Neil.

ROB PETRIE: You two going out?

Oh, would you say no-no to Neil-Neil?

[laughs] Yeah, we're gonna celebrate.

Hey, I got terrific tickets to that new Broadway

hit, "Love is Love."

Toughest tickets in town--

I got four front row, center.

You, me, Laura, Sally will have a ball.

Look, Neil--

Oh, look, I wanna show you my appreciation.

[laughs]

Neil.

What?

Never do that again.

Do what?

Sock me in the jaw.

Well, I've always done that.

I've always hated it.

I'll never do it again [chuckles] because, you know,

I wanna be a buddy with you and I'm gonna

be around here an awful lot.

And I sure wouldn't wanna do anything that bugs you.

You know what I mean?

Look, you're not gonna be around, Neil.

Yeah, we're gonna be working here together.

But I won't get in your way, I'll just do my stuff.

Neil, you didn't get the job!

I-- I didn't what?

You didn't get the job.

I'm sorry.

I didn't get the job?

I knew it.

They probably hired some relative, right?

No, they didn't.

Well, [chuckles] that's the breaks.

Listen, at least you tried, pal.

No, I didn't try, Neil.

Oh, I made the lunch with Sampson,

but I couldn't make myself do it.

I told him that you weren't right for the job

because that's the way I feel.

Oh, you-- you feel like that, huh?

Ha, oh, boy.

Oh, that's it, huh?

I'm afraid so.

Well, I guess that ends it, huh?

Looks like it.

Ha, you get the breaks, you don't get the breaks.

Ah, look, stretch, about tonight

It's OK, Neil.

I'll ah--

I'll pick you up at 7:00 instead of 7:30.

That way, we can get in a couple of cocktails before the show.

We're still going?

- Oh, sure we're gonna go. - Wait a minute.

You're not mad at me?

Oh, no.

How can I get mad at you?

You're one of my best contacts.

Neil, I turned you down.

That's OK, I appreciate it.

You know why?

You got integrity.

And one thing I love is integrity.

Wait a-- wait a minute.

Does that take the place of that?

Yeah.

Go back to that.

[laughter]

Well, here we are, safe at home, huh.

Yep.

Hey, the show was terrific, wasn't it?

Oh, it was wonderful.

Yeah, I had a great time.

Hey, I-- I better be dashing along if I'm gonna

make Cape Cod by midnight.

Well, so long, kids. - Goodbye.

- Good to see you again. - Great, Neil.

Thank you.

Well, that's that.

I better put this in water.

Uh-huh.

It was nice of Neil to give me this corsage.

Yes, it was.

Will you stop gloating.

I'm not gloating.

I'm just welcoming you to the I did

a favor for Neil's Schenk club.

Do you think he'll return my car?

(SIGHS) Well, I don't know, honey.

One thing about Neil, he may be a lot of things,

but he's not a thief.

He just borrowed your station wagon to drive up Cape Cod.

Can we be sure he'll come back?

Honey, there's one thing sure about Neil Schenk.

He always comes back.

Hey, there's no gas in a car.

Could I borrow your credit card?

Oh, jeez.

[theme song]