04x19 - Boy #1, Boy #2

[bunniefuu]

[theme music]

ANNOUNCER: "The d*ck Van d*ke Show."

Starring d*ck Van d*ke, Rose Marie, Morey Amsterdam, Larry

Mathews, and Mary Tyler Moore.

Three egg yolks.

Oh gee, I love to separate eggs.

Why?

I don't know.

It's kind of fun schlepping it back and forth.

Oh, look at that.

What's the matter?

You made a good schlup.

No.

I've got a double yolk.

Now I don't know whether it count it as one or two.

Well, why don't you save it for breakfast,

make scrambled eggs.

Hey, that's a good idea.

Gin.

Hey, are they playing gin?

No, they're playing go fish.

Yeah, well he yelled gin.

Oh, well that's because they think

yelling go fish is too babyish.

I don't want them playing cards anyway.

Hey, fellas can't you find something better to do?

But, I owe him $40,000.

$140,000.

Oh, yeah.

Say Freddie, I hope you're not taking advantage of Ritchie

just because you're older.

He's not older.

He cheats.

Oh, Ritchie.

Nobody cheats.

Yes I do.

He's so honest.

OK boys.

Come on, now pack that up, and Ritchie,

you get washed up for dinner.

Oh gee, I got to be going home soon.

Jerry's at a meeting.

It's just making the kids.

I wonder what I could defrost.

Well gee, I'd ask you to stay and have dinner with us,

but I know you're still on that diet.

Oh, I'm still on a diet.

Oh, well get back on it because I don't have enough.

Hi fellas.

Hi dad.

Hi, Mr. Petrie.

Dad, can I borrow some money?

How much you need?

$140,000.

$140,000?

I lost to Freddie in go fish.

Well Fred, will you settle for chewing gum?

Spearmint?

Yeah, spearmint.

OK.

OK, here's some for you too Rich.

But he you lost!

It matters not whether you win or lose,

it's how you play the game.

Bye, dad.

Bye.

Oh, hi, Mil. - Hi, Rob.

- Hi, honey. - Hi, darling.

Hey, you've got to do something about your son.

I cannot keep paying off his gambling debts.

Hey, what's That

Oh, it's something special to go with the roast.

Bearnaise sauce.

Overcooked the meat again, huh?

No, I'm just trying a cheaper cut.

Oh, well you should have had steak today.

I had such a day today.

We had a beautiful sketch, Al was in a great mood.

Oh hey, let me ask you something.

You think this does anything for me?

No, but it's doing quite a lot for Millie.

You're not going to wear that.

No, I bought it as a gag for Mel Cooley.

He just became a director.

Of the Allen Brady show?

Oh, no he's going to direct an automobile commercial for us.

My goodness, Mel Cooley a director?

I bet my Buddy had a thing or two to say.

Oh, oh, he said he was going to hang around

the studio with a sword in his hand

and wait for Mel to yell cut.

Well, for Mel's sake, I hope he approves all of you wrong.

He's got a lot of good ideas.

Matter of fact, they want a kid for the commercial

instead of using a professional.

He wants to use a real kid, a non professional.

He asked about Rich, of course.

He wants Ritchie?

Hey, Ritchie on television?

Gee, that'd be great.

What would he have to do?

Oh, just wear a baseball suit, talk about cars.

Oh gee, that sounds like a cute idea.

Yeah, how much would he get paid?

Nothing, because I'm not going to do it.

MILLIE: You mean you turned it down?

You did? - Of course.

Well, why?

Ritchie's a real kid.

Well yeah.

And I want him to stay that way.

Well, honey didn't you want me to turn it down?

Oh, no it's just that I would have liked to enjoy the moment

a little longer that's all.

ROB PETRIE: What moment?

Well, contemplating our son as a television star.

Oh, come on honey, we decided a long time

ago that one person in show business in this house

is enough.

Yeah, well I want him to have a normal childhood too.

Then what are you being so indefinite about it for?

Well no, I'm not being indefinite Rob.

It's-- Well, you just threw the whole

thing at me so all of a sudden.

Sorry, honey.

Do you want to think about it?

No, no, no you're right.

One member of the family in show business is plenty.

Yeah, that's the way I feel about Freddy being a dentist.

Uh, well listen, did Mel find a real kid yet?

No, not yet.

I don't think anybody in our business knows one.

Well, you know, sometimes there are real kids

right under your very nose.

Yeah, that is true.

Listen, did you see the Halloween play

two years ago when my Freddy played the mean pumpkin?

No, no I missed that.

You know what I'm thinking?

Freddy would be good for the part.

I think so too.

You think what so too?

What Rob just said.

That Freddy would be great in the part.

Rob didn't say that.

You don't think he'd be great in the part?

No, no I do, I do.

Well, listen, I mean he's not a relative,

and his father father's not in show business.

It'd be the thrill of his life.

Millie, I'm afraid it isn't that thrilling.

Well, not for your family maybe.

But for Freddy, well, I mean unless you

think he can't do it.

Oh no, he could do it.

Oh Rob, that's wonderful.

Listen, you're not going to be sorry.

Freddy, Freddy!

Yes mom?

Guess what!

You get to be on television!

- On television? - Yeah.

Do I miss school?

Yeah, and you get to wear a baseball uniform.

Oh, neato!

What's neato, Freddy?

I'm going to be on TV, and wear my baseball suit,

and miss school!

Yeah, come on home.

I'll tell you all about it.

Freddy's going to be on TV and miss school,

and wear his baseball uniform?

What am I going to wear?

Well, you'll wear--

Hey, how about let's go get a chocolate soda.

I'm gonna wear a chocolate soda?

No, no!

You're going to drink one.

Darling, before dinner?

Well, no.

After dinner.

You'll have-- We'll have a chocolate soda, huh?

You go wash up first.

Well, what am I going to wear?

We'll talk about it. You wash up.

OK.

Uh.

You married a big mouth.

A big mouth! - Right.

Ah.

Oh, Rob, it's one thing not to let Ritchie do the commercial,

but then to give the part to his best friend.

Honey, I know what I did.

Just help me undo it.

I don't know what to--

What are his friends going to think?

You know what it looks like?

It looks like his own father doesn't have any faith in him.

What?

I have faith in him.

I know.

But, what are the people going to say at the supermarket?

How often does he go to the supermarket?

He doesn't, but I do!

It would be different if Freddy were a complete stranger.

I don't know honey.

There's only one solution.

Freddy cannot do that commercial.

Go next door and tell Millie.

Not unless we intend to move.

Honey, I'm beginning to feel trapped here.

It was just supposed to be a commercial

about a little boy throwing a ball against the wall talking

to himself.

Yeah, but to Ritchie it's a little boy in a baseball suit

missing school.

I know it.

Wait a minute, wait a minute.

Oh Darling, did you come up with something good?

Is it good? Is it?

What? - We can use Ritchie.

What's he going to play, the wall?

No honey, Ritchie will play another kid.

Instead of Freddy throwing a ball against the wall,

he can throw it back and forth to Rich.

Well, the wall didn't have any lines, did it?

Well, no but I'll give Ritchie some.

I'll rewrite it and give him some.

How many is some?

Yeah, you're right.

I've better make sure they have equal parts.

Well, no they don't have to be exactly equal.

Oh, you mean Ritchie could have a couple more, huh?

Well, you are his father.

Well, I don't want you to become his stage mother.

Oh, Rob.

Oh, Laura!

Houses, drive the tarantula ain't and see

what the well-dressed pedestrian will be dodging next year.

That's good except I don't think Ritchie

would say a thing like that.

Well, why not?

Well, an eight-year-old mind wouldn't come

up with something that clever.

Oh, I don't know.

His eight-year-old mind thought of it.

Hey, come on you guys.

It's hard to write lines for your own kid.

Will you give me a little help?

Look, if I thought you were going

to lose relatives on the show, I'd

have made a pitch for my cat.

Your cat?

Well, he's a nice looking cat, but he's no Cary Grant.

Yeah, but can Cary Grant catch mice?

I think so.

Oh.

I-- Come on, how about this.

The tarantula has a web of dealers from Coast to Coast.

Don't b*at around the bush.

If you don't like it, say so.

We don't like it.

Who asked you?

Rob.

Oh.

Cecil B. DeCoolie.

You you your hat on backwards.

BUDDY SORRELL: No, his hat's on straight,

his head's on backwards.

How do you like directing Mel?

Well, if things weren't so hectic,

I might say I'd found my niche.

Why don't you scratch it?

Rob, you have that commercial revised yet?

We're just finishing it up now.

I was supposed to direct one boy playing ball,

and now I direct two.

You shouldn't throw major changes like that at me.

It's just a 1 minute commercial Mel.

This is a very important chance for me,

and I don't want anything to go wrong.

Well, why don't you quit right now?

Mel, you don't have anything to worry about.

Freddie and Ritchie are both very obedient little kids.

They'll do whatever you tell them.

Rob, will you please get that revised commercial

down to me very fast?

All right.

Let's get that thing finished before Mel

has a nervous breakdown.

No, let's wait until after.

Hey, how about this.

My daddy says that the family that drives a tarantula

gets home safe.

Good.

Simple but good. - Right.

Now who says that?

Boy number one, or boy number two?

Uh, let's see, boy number two had the last line.

So, you better give it the boy number one.

Well, wait a minute, that gives boy number one an extra line.

Well, why don't you give the last line to boy number two?

Yeah, but then he'll have an extra line.

And besides, he'll be answering

the question he just asked.

So, you've got to give it to boy one.

Yeah, right.

Who's going to notice?

I hope that's the mother of boy two.

Wow, hey it's mothers one and two.

Hi Mill.

Aw gee, I never knew show business was so exciting.

Yeah, this is the first time you've ever been in our office,

huh? - Yeah.

You know, to think that all America

laughs at the jokes that come out

of this crummy little office.

Where the little stars?

They're in their dressing rooms being made up.

I bet they're having a ball.

Oh, they are.

And you know something?

Freddy is a natural actor.

He takes direction beautifully.

How about Ritchie?

Well, he's fine too.

But, he seems more interested in the technical things.

Like the lights, and the cameras.

Isn't it wonderful?

You know, when they grow up and Ritchie can produce all

the shows of my son, the star.

OK Buddy come on. Let's go say hello to the kids.

Yeah.

Hey listen, don't make them nervous.

Don't worry about that.

I'll tell them what George Cohen once

told me when I was nervous.

What did he say?

Don't be nervous.

I got a quote for you from General Custer.

What'd he say?

Let's get out of here.

Gee, show business is really exciting.

Well Darling, do I seem any different to you

now that I'm a stage mother?

You are not either one of you stage mothers.

You are just the mothers of two little boys who

are missing a day of school.

Oh, those are the scripts for the commercial?

Yeah.

Oh, well listen, Can Millie and I take them down and run

over the lines with the boys?

OK.

You'll notice--

Freddy has a tendency to mumble.

Oh.

You'll notice I designated those as boy one and boy two.

Now, Mel can cast them.

Listen, Ritchie's your son.

You know, I mean I think he ought to be boy one.

I mean, after all if it wasn't for Ritchie,

Freddy wouldn't be in the commercial at all.

Oh, Millie.

It doesn't make that much difference.

Well, it only seems right that Ritchie should be boy one.

Besides, he has one more line.

Oh, well.

Who counts lines?

Millie does.

You're a big person Laura.

Oh, come on. It's nothing.

Good.

Look, besides, boy number two is the pitcher, right?

And Freddy throws a ball much better than Ritchie.

Well, that's true.

It's all settled then.

Ritchie will be boy number one, the catcher.

And Freddy can be the pitcher boy number two.

Right.

Rob, you know one thing about Freddy?

When he gets to be a big star, he's

not going to forget all the little people like you

that made it all possible.

You won't let him.

Will you?

Come on, Millie.

Boy, Rob, I got to hand it to you.

Your kid is downstairs acting his brains out,

and you're up here juggling.

Boy, you've either got nerves of steel or ice water

in your veins.

I hope he don't have both.

He'll wind up with rusty blood.

Rob, how come you're not downstairs worrying?

Much easier up here.

No, I'd probably make him nervous.

Yeah.

Hi.

Well hi there.

How's the method little league going?

Oh, well things couldn't be better.

Yeah?

The boys are having the time of their lives.

Are they behaving themselves?

Oh my, yes Darling.

And the crew is treating them like royalty.

You practically have to make an appointment to see them.

Oh, no kidding.

Gee, I hope they're still humble enough

to remember our lunch date.

I have a feeling New Rochelle elementary school

is never going to be the same.

Gee, wouldn't it be funny if Ritchie

grew up to be a big star?

Yeah, I can see it in lights now.

Hamlet, Starring William Feldman.

- Who's William Feldman? - Ritchie.

He'll probably change his name.

No, I have a feeling that starting tomorrow,

things will be back to normal.

Hey look, why don't we go down, get Millie and the kids

and go on to lunch. You guys want to join us?

I'm gonna pick up a pair of shoes I saw.

You picked up a pair of shoes yesterday.

All right, so today I'll pick up a salesman.

Come on.

Bye.

Oh gee, I'm glad things are going so well down there.

Well, you shouldn't be.

I shouldn't?

Rob, things couldn't be worse if you planned it that way.

What's the matter?

Millie is impossible.

Well, what is she doing down there?

Rob, it's not what she's doing down there.

It's what she did up here.

How can we get Ritchie to be boy number two?

How can we?

Why should we?

Darling, boy number one is the catcher, you know.

Yeah, I knew that, and you knew that,

and Millie knew that.

Yeah, Millie also knew something else.

A catcher wears a catcher's mask.

Well, I also know that.

And you played right into her hands?

How'd I do that?

Rob, if Ritchie's wearing a catchers mask,

nobody can see his face.

Oh, honey.

Rob, it's true.

With those bars across his face, his own grandparents

wouldn't recognize him.

They know what he looks like.

They'll recognize his voice.

Oh, how can you ask a little boy to work under hot lights

and then remain anonymous?

I told you, Rob.

I told you.

Look, darling, why does he have to be a catcher?

Couldn't he be the quarterback?

That's football.

Can't you rewrite it?

Rewrite it?

I did rewrite it.

I rewrote it over, and over.

He started out as a wall you know.

There's no rewrites, no more changes.

That's all.

Boy oh boy, Alan Brady can call you any hour of the day

or night, but let your wife ask for one

little change for your own son and it's no changes.

I've changed my son a lot of times.

Oh Rob, I'm serious.

Well, I know you are honey.

I'm trying to kid you out of it for your own sake.

Rob, please.

- Laura, please. - Rob.

Laura.

OK, darling.

Look, let's go to lunch.

Ritchie wants to pay for your lunch with his own check.

Oh no, I can't afford to be obligated to the little twerp.

Come on, darling.

We'll have a little chat.

Listen, you know when Freddy--

Hey, has Alan ever done any talking animal bits?

Like what?

Well, like an elephant having a bitter quarrel with a mouse.

Stupid.

You can say it's stupid, but wait.

Supposing that the elephant had a bandage around his leg.

It's still stupid.

By supposing you ask me why the elephant

had a bandage around his leg, and see if it's still stupid.

All right, why's the elephant have a bandage around his leg?

Because that's where the mouse kicked him.

Stupid.

Hey Rob, where you been?

Laura's called three times.

Figures.

I just left her 3 minutes ago.

How are the kid actors doing?

I think I should have made the boys play the wall

and heard a talking ball.

Now I think of it, huh?

It's for you.

Thank you.

Hello.

Yeah honey, how's everything going?

Fine.

You called me to tell me that?

What do you mean I have to hear your side of it?

It's a television commercial, not a debate.

All right, put Mel on.

I'll talk to him.

Well, I'm through!

Well good, I thought you never finish.

I didn't say I was finished.

I said I'm through, I quit, I'm at the end of my rope.

Hey, what a picture.

Mel at the end of his rope.

I like Laura.

I could even learn to like Millie.

But, put the two of them together,

and nobody listens to my directions.

Well, you better get down there and do something about it.

Me?

Well, you cast the commercial, I didn't.

Well, Mel, you're the director.

Well, your wife has become the co producer.

All right, it's very simple.

Either we keep Freddy and Ritchie

and get rid of the mothers, or we get new kids and new mothers

all around.

While you're ordering, get me a husband.

When you're acting, you speak loud and clearly.

OK?

Fellas, I'm taking over for Mel.

Look, I don't know what's going on down here,

but it's making a raving nut out of Mel Cooley.

Oh, darling, I thought you had a script to get out.

So did I.

Well, what are you doing down here?

Well, let's say I'm a kind of a troubleshooter.

Trouble?

Who is causing trouble?

I don't know.

But, if I find out I may sh**t her.

This is costing a lot of money down here.

Listen, darling, I don't want to say anything--

Good, that's a perfect start right there.

OK, fellas, let's have a look at what we've got here now.

Don't look at your mothers.

Come on out here on the set.

OK, now we'll see what we've got.

We'll take it right from the top.

OK, fellas let's do your dialogue shall we?

Get in right on your marks there.

OK, now.

All right, action.

Say, I wonder if your dad is going

to pick us up in his new car.

You mean in his new sensational tarantula's

super eight?

Yes.

Four speed stick shift, fast back.

Won't that be great?

Yeah.

Well hey, hold a minute.

Rich, why do you keep lifting your catcher's mask?

Mommy told me to.

Well, that's right Darling.

You see, I told him to lift the mask up so he could be heard.

Well, that wasn't really necessary Laura.

I could hear him right through the mask.

Yeah well, that's because you know all the lines, see.

And listen Darling, another thing,

does Ritchie really have to face this way?

What does it matter with the way he's facing?

Well, he had a haircut today, and the sideburn was cut badly.

You see how crooked it is?

Well, that's all right honey.

It's hidden buy the mask.

Yeah, quite a lot's hidden by that mask.

Fine.

All right Ritchie, face the other way.

Oh, good.

Trade places boys.

On your marks.

Well, now Freddy is going to have to face the other way.

Right.

Well he can't, he's got a tooth missing on that side.

Millie, I think the missing tooth is cute.

It make him look like a real boy.

Well, so does the cock-eyed sideburn.

What do you think, Rob?

I think-- I think mommies do not direct.

Mommies sit right over here, and pretend

like they're not even there.

All right?

OK.

How should we face, Daddy?

Uh, the way you were.

Face each other.

OK.

Right on your marks there.

OK, now fellas let's try it once more, huh?

Action.

Say, I wonder if your dad is going to pick us up.

You mean in his new, sensational tarantula

super eight?

Ritchie, pull up your sock.

Cut.

I'm sorry, darling.

But look, Ritchie's socks are falling down.

Laura, would you leave his socks alone?

Well, darling, just because he's a catcher doesn't mean

he has to be sloppy.

In all of organized baseball, there

is no prize for the neatest player of the year.

It's bad enough he has to wear that mask.

Well, I think the sloppy socks are cute,

and I don't mind Freddy's being down.

There, how's that Rob?

Well, as a matter of fact, it looks great.

I don't see what's so great about sloppy socks?

Well, it's just that they look too clean to be real kids.

Make up.

Would you smudge their faces up a little bit?

I'm sorry fellas.

Rob, I'm curious about something.

Doesn't the catcher usually have more smudges than the pitcher?

Well, yeah usually.

Yeah.

Well, then I think Ritchie should have more dirt on him.

Millie, what are you trying to do?

Well, Freddy has got too much dirt on him for a pitcher.

Fine, then take some dirt off Freddy.

Don't put more on Ritchie.

I don't think the set is the place to discuss this.

Would you excuse us a minute fellas?

I'm sorry.

Darling, I'm just trying to be helpful.

I know.

And if you want to be as helpful as you say,

then I'm sure I can show you a way

you can be even more helpful.

What?

Oh, good we can have a talk.

This is terrible, we're just trying to help.

I know.

And you're helping me the best way you can.

I'll see you at home honey.

Don't stop until you get to 125th Street.

Is my bedding in the garage?

No, it's where it belongs.

Look, honey, I know I owe you an apology.

No dear, we owe you one.

Yeah, do we ever.

When did you decide that?

When they let us out of the dressing room.

Yeah, we acted like the perfect idiots.

The boys shouldn't have done the commercial

in the first place.

In that case, you may be able to take

this little bit of news.

You know while we were worrying about the catcher's

mask, and missing teeth, and droopy socks.

We overlooked one little detail.

What's that?

Those kids can't act.

They're terrible!

Terrible?

Oh Rob, how can you say that?

I thought they were doing their parts very well.

Oh, you did, did you?

Yes.

So did I.

Well, when they started out, they were almost there.

But, the more they rehearsed the worse they got.

Well, Rob you know they're not professionals.

Oh yeah.

Because professionals get better.

That's why we finally had to hire a couple of more kids.

Oh, that's awful.

Well, where are the boys?

They're out in the garage.

Were they terribly hurt?

Not as hurt as their two stage mothers.

Yeah, we did behave like stage mothers didn't we?

Yeah, better than our kids did like kids.

They're happy as larks right now.

What'd you tell them?

Well, I told them the one thing to make any kid happy.

I told them they could take part of their paycheck,

and buy a big toy.

Hey, you mean they get paid?

Yeah, just as if they had talent.

Oh.

I think I'm going to cry.

That's Freddy's first paycheck.

I got to go home and tell Jerry.

Hey, would you send Ritchie home?

They're still rehearsing their scene.

Oh, isn't that cute?

Darling, were both the boys really bad?

Oh, well Freddy wasn't bad.

Oh, I had a feeling.

Ritchie-- Ritchie was so terrible,

he would have had to improve to get bad.

Ritchie?

You mean our son has no talent?

Well, I tell you, in the original version

he might have played the wall.

But, not without a lot of coaching.

You get the light.

Sure.

OK, here we go.

OK now kids, this will be take 37.

Action!

Say, I wonder if your dad's picking us up.

You mean in his new, sensational--

Hey, wait a second.

Freddy, can you do it without the scratching?

I wasn't scratching.

I was rubbing the ball.

Oh, I see.

You better hold the balls in the glove there.

Oh.

Why don't you rub it in the glove there?

OK, like that.

OK.

Now, this'll be take 38.

Take it from where you throw the ball there.

All right.

Take 38, action!

[grunts]

ROB PETRIE: Cut!

Hold on, hold on.

Could you throw that under hand?

Under hand?

Well, I tell you what, we'll just pretend

like you already threw it.

Over to here.

All right, we'll try it again.

This will be take 39.

Freddy, take it from, say I wonder.

OK, action!

Say, I wonder if your dad's picking us up.

You mean in his new, sensational tarantula

super eight?

Mr. Petrie.

ROB PETRIE: What is it, Freddy?

I'm sick to my stomach.

ROB PETRIE: Who isn't?

Really, Rob, this stuff was priceless.

Yeah, it isn't worth anything.

[music playing]