04x28 - Show of Hands

[bunniefuu]

[theme music]

ANNOUNCER: "The d*ck Van d*ke Show,"

starring d*ck Van d*ke, Rose Marie, Morey Amsterdam, Larry

Matthews, and Mary Tyler Moore.

Oh, boy, what a day.

I'm b*at.

Yeah, I'm so tired, I can hardly keep my mouth open.

Ah, come on, Rob, what do you say we go home?

That is a good idea.

You better give Nuddy a budge.

Don't you mean give Buddy a nudge?

Yeah.

You know, I think you're right on both counts.

Hey, Nuddy, come on, it's all over.

Come on. Come on.

I'm listening, I'm listening.

Look, after Alan does the shoehorn bit, he comes out--

We did that two hours ago.

Why did you let me sit here and work on it?

You were sleeping, Buddy.

But not restfully.

Oh, Rob, I'm glad I caught you.

Alan wants you and Laura to go to the CIU dinner

tonight and accept his award.

Tonight?

Why can't he accept it?

Because he and I are on our way

now to Chicago for an emergency meeting with a sponsor.

Oh, that's terrible.

Wrong, anything that gets Mel out of town is great.

You know, I wish you'd said something sooner.

This is the last minute.

Why can't Buddy do it?

Are you joking?

What's the matter?

I'm not good enough to pick up an award?

Precisely.

You know why his mother named him Mel?

Because she couldn't spell "blech."

Rob, will you?

I don't know, Mel.

Look, Rob, if you want the glamour of being head writer,

you have to accept the problems.

What glamour?

Working with people like me.

I thought that was the problem.

You know, it could be.

Well, Rob, I guess you're it.

Why me?

Why always me?

Because you're so tall and willowy.

Oh, thanks.

Hey listen, Rob, accept the award.

You know, don't be embarrassed, just take it and take

all the credit you want.

But don't forget to mention the people

that made it all possible, the little folk like Buddy Sorrell.

Yeah, he's right, Rob.

There's nobody littler than Buddy.

Good luck, Rob.

Good luck to me too.

One for you too?

My wife is cooking dinner tonight.

Oh.

Good luck.

Goodnight, Rob.

Goodnight.

Boy, if there's anything Laura hates,

it's a last minute invitation.

Well, now Alan will consider it a very special favor.

Oh, by the way, it's formal.

For-- well, I hope my tux is pressed.

Oh, it will be, Rob, you're a neat person.

Honey?

Hi, what are you doing?

Uh, I'm right in the middle of making an emergency

costume for Ritchie.

Well, you better start making an emergency

costume for yourself.

We're going to a formal dinner tonight.

What do you mean tonight?

Tonight, after sundown.

Alan wants us to pick up that CIU award for him.

Oh, Rob, I wish you'd have given me a little more notice.

Honey, I'm giving you all the notice they gave me.

Well, do you have to go?

I mean, do we have to?

Couldn't someone else do it?

Alan practically ordered me to go, OK?

Well, I guess so.

Oh hey, honey, would you get my tux

out and see if it's pressed?

It's in the closet, I think.

OK, well, Rob, I don't think it is in the closet.

I haven't seen it in a long time.

Oh, honey, it's all rolled up in my suitcase.

You mean, you never took it out?

No, don't ball me out.

Just get it out and send it to be pressed, will you?

LAURA (ON PHONE): All right, and then you

pick it up on your way home? - That's the deal.

LAURA (ON PHONE): OK. - Uh, honey, you still there?

Yes.

Buy a corsage from--

from me.

What should I write on the card from you?

Well, just say you love yourself and sign my name.

Darling, are you starting to take me for granted?

Yeah.

- I'll get you for this. - Bye.

LAURA (ON PHONE): Bye.

Rob?

Yeah.

Can you imagine, we have to go to a formal dinner?

Not tonight.

Tonight.

Ritchie, do you absolutely, positively have to have

this for tomorrow morning?

I need it.

Science teacher said so.

Well, why'd you wait to the last minute to tell me?

I don't know.

I think I forgot.

Well, you know what?

I think I'll just forget your allowance next week.

You forgot it last week.

Didn't you know you're gonna have

to make a thundercloud costume?

Yes, but I thought a thundercloud was an Indian,

so I bought a bow and arrow, seven feathers.

For a science play?

Well, I figured they'd have a rain dance or something.

OK, I'll take it from there.

Oh, thanks, Millie.

I gotta make a few phone calls and get Rob's tux.

Whatever I can do.

Thank you.

Why couldn't you be a regular cloud?

Why did you have to be a bad cloud?

I'm a good cloud.

An airplane flies over me and seeds me.

Seeds you?

What in the world for?

To make me rain on the crops.

Listen, my Freddy's gonna be an ear of corn,

you gonna rain on him?

Sure, you want him to grow, don't ya?

Oh, boy, I can see what kind of a night this is gonna be.

What happened?

I just remembered the cleaner is closed.

How am I gonna get Rob's tux pressed?

Does it need it?

Well, that depends on whether you're gonna wear

it or play football with it.

Is that it?

Yes.

It needs it.

I'll press it for you.

Can you?

Laura, my father was a presser for 35 years.

Oh, well, I just wouldn't want you to burn it or anything.

- Do I look like a fire bug? - No.

Where's your steam iron?

In the linen closet.

What do I do with this?

Just swish it around a little.

You thought a thundercloud was an Indian, mommy?

Well, when I went to school, dear, he was an Indian.

Did you have Indians in school in the olden days?

Only in books, dear.

Back again.

This'll only take a few minutes.

Oh my goodness.

What's the matter?

What are you doing?

I'm swishing.

Laura, your hands, your hands.

That'll rinse right off, won't it?

Never, that's a permanent dye.

Where did you ever get this dye?

You know my black fur coat?

You d*ed it with this?

Yeah, four years ago.

It's not coming off.

Laura, you'll find that's one of your best permanent dyes.

I already found that out, Millie.

Why didn't you say something?

I did, I distinctly said swish.

Well, I did swish.

With your hand?

Well, you didn't say not to.

Laura, swish means with a stick.

Then you should have said with a stick.

You wouldn't stir a pot of soup with your hands,

would you?

No, and I wouldn't stir with a stick either.

You're getting awful touchy lately.

Well, it's just that I don't understand

why you didn't warn me, Millie.

Well, whoever dreamed you'd put your hands in a pot of dye.

I told you, I never dyed before.

Even a child knows you don't dye with your hands.

OK, OK, so I'm not perfect.

Oh, Millie, what am I gonna do?

I don't know anything about dye.

I thought you said you were an expert.

Well, I know how to dye, but I don't know how to undye.

Well, who does know?

Jerry, Jerry's a chemical genius.

You think he can get it off?

If he can't get it off, nobody can.

He's got more bottles of chemicals than a drugstore.

Oh, Millie, I hope he can do it.

He can do it or I'll k*ll him.

I'll press the tux while you get that stuff off your hands.

OK.

Mom, where are you going?

I'm just next door.

Ritchie, get away from the pot, dear.

Go in your room and do your homework.

Aw, mom.

Boy, Millie, I wish you'd said something to me.

Oh, how could you swish without a stick?

Well, then you should have said with a stick.

Honey, the cleaner was closed.

Laura?

Honey?

Good thing we're going out to dinner.

It couldn't be my tux.

Hey, Ritchie?

- Hi, dad. - Hi.

Hey, you know anything about the mess in the pot here?

That's my costume for the play.

What kind of a costume?

A thundercloud suit.

Oh, yeah.

Mommy's doing it.

Well, she's gonna have to do it tomorrow.

But I have to wear it tomorrow.

Where's your mother, Rich?

But daddy, I need it for the play.

Ritchie, don't whine.

Where's your mother?

She's over at Aunt Millie's

Oh, well, I better go get her.

Whoa, what are you doing?

I gotta finish my thundercloud suit.

Well, what needs to be done?

Mommy's washing it.

Oh, well, boy, it sure needs it.

Look, you let me do the thundercloud suit,

because mama will k*ll you if you mess this kitchen up.

You go tell mama that I'm home, will you?

OK.

How does a kid get something this dirty?

[phone rings]

RITCHIE: I'll get it.

If that's mommy, ask her what she did with my tuxedo.

RITCHIE: Mommy wants to talk to you, daddy.

I can't come to the phone now.

RITCHIE: He can't come to the phone now.

What a mess.

RITCHIE: OK, mommy.

Mommy's coming home.

Oh, good.

Also mommy said not to put your hands in the pot of dye.

This must be the one she means.

Gee, I could have sworn Jerry would get that stuff off.

He's a chemical genius.

ROB: Honey, is that you?

Yes, dear.

Oh, boy, wait 'til he sees your hands.

So honey, a couple of things have come up.

Listen, Rob, I know how important

this dinner is to you, dear, but I'm not gonna be able to go.

Why not?

Hows come mine got darker than yours?

Oh, Rob, you didn't?

Who didn't?

What do you mean "who didn't?" - Well--

Look, why don't you put up a sign when you got a booby trap

in the kitchen like that?

Well, I told Ritchie to tell you on the phone.

Boy, look at all those dyed hands.

How do you people get yourselves into situations like this?

Rob, if I said swish to you, wouldn't you use a stick?

What?

Never mind.

Rob, this is awful.

Well, at least we match.

What are we gonna do?

We're gonna get it off is what we're gonna do.

Rob, it won't come off.

Even Jerry couldn't get it off.

He got it too?

No, Rob, off my hands.

Yeah, and he's a chemical genius.

With certain limitations.

Well, hey, how about makeup?

No, we tried it and it won't cover.

Well, if we can't get it off, we're not going to that dinner,

boy, that is for sure.

Well, what about Alan?

I thought you said he practically ordered you to go.

Honey, if we walked into the Crystal Room with our hands

looking like this, people would think we were out of our minds.

Couldn't you pretend it's a gag?

A gag?

Well, they know you're a comedy writer.

Millie, that is positively in the worst taste.

Well, it's not a matter of taste.

Honey, you know what the CIU is, don't you?

Well, of course, the Committee for Interracial Understanding.

Oh, Committee for Interracial Understanding.

That's what the award is for.

Rob, we can't go like this.

Even if Alan ordered me to.

Unless you wore gloves.

Hey, dad, look at this neat baseball.

Ritchie, I told you not--

Honey, forget it.

At least he looks like one of the family.

Flowers for Mrs. Petrie.

I'll take 'em.

Hold it.

Not with those hands, sonny.

You better wash 'em before your mother sees 'em.

Her hands are the same way.

Sure, I'll bet they are.

Our daddy's too.

Oh, the corsage.

Yes, that will be 4.50, ma'am.

Would you pay him, please?

Yeah, I'll get it.

Here you are.

[laughs] You're probably wondering about our hands.

I didn't even notice 'em.

I didn't even notice 'em.

Didn't notice 'em?

No, I didn't--

Well, I did, but I thought you were all members of the mafia.

No, my son, we were--

Making wine?

No, ink.

Ink.

That's all right.

Keep the change.

Thank you.

That's a nice hobby, making ink.

Well, can I have the flowers--

Oh, yeah, the flowers.

That's a good hobby, making ink.

Night, folks.

Goodnight.

Just a little preview of what's going to happen to us tonight.

Well, why didn't you just tell him what happened?

What, telling him we're dying a thundercloud suit, you mean?

Well, the corsage is wilting and the CIU is waiting.

We better get dressed.

Well, honey, what about the hands?

Well, I don't know, Rob.

We just have to wear gloves.

Well, that's fine for you.

But you got a picture of me in a tuxedo trying to butter

a roll with gloves on?

Darling, there's no alternative.

Don't kid yourself, there's two

alternatives, Buddy and Sally.

Hey, Rob, do me a favor, will you, and make it fast.

I just drew an inside straight.

Look at this, 6, 7, 8, 9, Jack.

Fellas, count me out.

Best hand I had all night.

What's the matter, Rob? What's your problem?

You ready for this?

BUDDY (ON PHONE): Yeah.

I d*ed my hands black.

Buddy?

Are you there?

Yeah, I thought I heard Mel say to dye 'em green.

Buddy, this is no joke.

You really dyed your hands?

Right.

Can you see your way clear to go in my place?

Rob, I can't.

Pickles twisted her back this afternoon

carrying out the garbage.

She's in bed.

ROB (ON PHONE): Well, does she need you there?

Yeah, every half hour I gotta turn her over.

Why can't one of the other guys do it while you're gone?

Are you kidding?

Why do you think they're here?

Takes all four of us to do it.

I gather from your tone of the conversation

that you're not gonna go.

Gee, I'd like to, but I can't.

No, I understand.

Doggone it, I depended on you.

BUDDY (ON PHONE): Oh, you can depend on me, Rob.

Yeah? For what?

For Sally's phone number.

It's 2-7--

Thanks a lot, I have it.

BUDDY (ON PHONE): Hey, want some good advice?

What?

BUDDY (ON PHONE): You got a pair of gloves?

- Yeah. - Wear 'em, pal.

ROB (ON PHONE): Thanks.

Buddy doesn't want to go?

No, he can't.

He's gotta turn Pickles over every half hour.

What?

Well, what's the difference?

Honey, do I have any gloves?

Well, you have that pair you got for Christmas.

You mean with the fur lining?

You think they'd be too warm?

Nothing goes over worse at a formal dinner than the smell

of sweaty bunny fur.

Who are you calling?

Sally.

Do you think you can talk her into it?

Well, if I can make it sound like a lot of fun.

Well, in case you can't make it sound like enough fun,

I think I'd better start getting dressed.

[phone ringing]

Hello?

ROB (ON PHONE): Hi, Sal.

Listen, a funny thing happened on the way

to that formal dinner.

Look, Rob, make it fast, will you?

I'm kind of busy.

Get to the punch line, huh?

Sally, I didn't call you up to tell you a joke.

Look, Laura and I were drying to dye a thundercloud suit.

In the process, we d*ed our hands too.

Oh, yeah, that was smart.

You see, it's best to do all that stuff at once.

I've got to have somebody to go in my place, how about it?

No, I can't go.

I'm sorry.

ROB (ON PHONE): Why not?

Well, because my hair is full of beer and eggs right now.

How did you get beer and eggs in your hair?

I was att*cked by a band of bootleg chickens.

Sal, come on, please.

Rob, my aunt Agnes is here tending my hair.

No chance then?

No, no chance, Rob, I'm sorry.

You know, if you'd only called me sooner--

Hey, I got a great idea.

Does it have anything to do with wearing gloves?

SALLY (ON PHONE): Yeah.

Forget it.

Bye, Rob.

Bye, Sally.

Sally can't make it?

Nope.

Rob, what are we gonna do?

Well, honey, I can't go to that dinner wearing gloves.

Well, I guess you'll just have to keep

your hands in your pockets.

Well, isn't going to be a little hard to eat?

Rob, how can you think of eating at a time like this?

Come on, let's get dressed.

We'll probably miss dinner.

I'm starved.

Rob.

OK.

Gee.

Darling, we're a half an hour late.

Honey, I don't think we're gonna get away with this.

Rob, I thought you said you were gonna wear the gloves you

got for Christmas.

Well, I thought I could tell 'em there's something

wrong with my hands, an allergy, something like that.

But why work gloves?

Well, they look more clinical.

You mean comical.

You look like Mickey Mouse.

He only had three fingers.

Rob, take 'em off.

Come on, put these on.

So much time has passed now, we're gonna

miss the whole dinner anyway.

I know.

Probably won't get there in time for the award.

Oh, honey, this isn't right.

I look like a strangler.

Boy, you sure couldn't wear these to a formal,

not unless you were part of the entertainment.

Millie.

Hey, whose are these?

Jerry's.

Jerry's?

Well, actually, they're his mother's.

His mother's?

Yeah, she always leaves something at our house

just so she'll have an excuse to come back.

Boy, she must be--

Yeah, she's built like Wyatt Earp.

If these fit, all I gotta do is chop these tops off.

Rob, do me a favor and just jam 'em up your sleeves.

If you ruin those gloves, she's never gonna get to like me.

Oh, this is ridiculous.

I feel like Sophie Tucker.

Yeah, but it doesn't look bad.

What do we do about the buttons?

I'll bite 'em off.

Laura, don't let him lose the buttons.

I won't, and I'll sew 'em back on tonight.

Laura, didn't you forget something?

What?

Aren't you gonna ask me to sit with Ritchie?

Oh, Millie, would you please?

Did you have to ask?

Don't lose those buttons!

They're gonna lose those buttons.

What do I say if somebody asks me

what's wrong with your hands?

Tell 'em I got some kind of itis or something.

I don't care. - Hello.

Hi, there.

You must be Robert Petrie.

That's right.

Well, I'm Roger Johnson and this is Joe Clark.

Mr. Johnson, Mr. Clark.

How are you doing?

Oh, excuse my hands.

I'm wearing gloves.

I had a little accident, that's why I have gloves on.

Oh, I'm sorry to hear that, nothing serious, I hope?

No, it's a little sensitivity kind of.

I have to keep the gloves--

Oh, excuse me, this is my wife.

She always wears gloves.

I'm awfully sorry that we're late.

Well, we're awfully glad you came.

Well, it's an award that we're really proud to be getting.

As you all know, Alan Brady was called out of town

unexpectedly and could not be here

to accept the award in person.

However, I'm very happy to tell you

that we do have with us one Mr. Robert

Petrie who is the head writer of the show

and his very lovely wife Laura.

[applause]

Thank you, and now without further ado, just go ahead

and let our Chairman Mr. Johnson make the formal presentation.

Thank you. Mr. Johnson.

Thank you very much.

[applause]

My friends, since Mr. Petrie is the head writer of "The Alan

Brady Show," I feel it is most fitting and proper for him

to accept this award tonight.

Now, as you know, this award is given for, well, let me

quote from the citation itself.

"This award has been granted to the Alan Brady show

for his consistent thematic restatement

of the American ideals of equality.

Truth is the doorway to understanding.

Mr. Petrie, it gives me great pleasure to present

this award to your show.

[applause]

Thank you very much, Mr. Johnson.

On behalf of everyone down at "The Alan Brady Show,"

I would like to express our appreciation

to you for this award.

And I certainly hope that we can fulfill this wonderful idea

represented on the plaque.

"The truth is the doorway to understanding."

Folks, I don't really feel that I

have a right to hold this particular award up

here with gloves on my hands.

Rob.

Well, honey, truth is doorway to understanding.

Excuse me a moment there, a little family discussion here.

You know how that is.

[whispering]

Honey, we didn't do anything wrong.

[clears throat]

As I was saying--

what was I saying?

Oh, it was such a good idea.

You were talking about your gloves.

Oh, yeah, my gloves, I'm sorry, thank you.

Ladies and gentlemen, I told Mr. Johnson when I came here

that I was wearing these gloves because my hands were

sensitive.

And actually I'm wearing them because I'm

sensitive about my hands.

And overly sensitive, I hope.

That's a little confusing, I guess, isn't it?

I think that I can explain it so it makes a little sense to you.

You see, my wife was dying a thundercloud suit for our son

and she didn't use a stick.

And I came home.

And of course, I couldn't have known about using a stick.

Matter of fact, I thought it was dinner at first or my tux.

That's-- I'm not making that--

[laughs]

Let me-- my wife and I accidentally stuck our hands

in a pot of dye, permanent dye.

And we wore these gloves because we were

afraid of what you might think.

We were afraid of what you might think we were thinking.

What do you think?

Let's take off our gloves and see if truth is

the doorway to understanding.

[laughter]

If you think this is ridiculous, we got a little boy

at home in the same condition.

And there's a baseball, too, and a stick.

Yeah, and one of your clean towels.

As I look around the room now, I

see that all my fears and all my embarrassments

were self-imposed.

There's-- I can't wait 'til the day when understanding is

between everybody such a commonplace

thing that they don't have to hand out awards for it.

I mean, it seems like understanding ought

to be as natural as breathing.

I mean, they certainly don't give out

any awards for breathing, do they, Mr. Johnson?

[applause]

Well, from what you just said, Mr. Petrie,

you are earned the right not to have this award.

Thank you, Mr. Johnson, but I have to have this award.

I mean, what's in my heart is very important,

but what my boss Alan Brady is interested in

is what he can mount on his mantelpiece.

And if I don't give him this award,

he's gonna mount my head on it.

So I says, oh Lord, why did we invite these people here

on this hot day?

[laughter]

Very good.

[applause]

Well, Rob, I can't tell you how much we appreciate

you entertaining us tonight.

Thank you, you're a very good audience.

I don't know whether you're laughing

at my jokes or my hands though.

Uh, both.

Rob, I'm sure I speak for everyone

when I say, any time we can do anything for you, just ask.

Well, thank you, Mr. Johnson.

You've all done enough for me already.

- Uh, Rob. - Huh?

Ask about the button.

No, honey, I can't do that.

But Mr. Johnson said--

All right, all right.

Uh, ladies and gentlemen, my wife

has something she wants to ask you.

[inaudible] care about it.

I wonder if anybody has found a pearl button?

It goes to my husband's gloves.

No, it's not-- it's not my husband's.

They belong to my neighbor's mother-in--

No, no, never-- I'm sorry.

No, I'll get them.

[theme music]