05x01 - Coast to Coast Big Mouth

[bunniefuu]

[theme music]

ANNOUNCER: "The d*ck Van d*ke Show,"

starring d*ck Van d*ke, Rose Marie, Morey Amsterdam, Larry

Matthews, and Mary Tyler Moore.

[applause]

OK.

OK, ladies, we're about to choose

our last contestant, who is Ms. Carol Hackett

from Sacramento, California.

There she is, come right up here, dear.

Anything gets in your way, hack it.

[laughter]

We're gonna be on the air in just a short while, ladies.

And it's exactly 10 minutes to 1:00,

if anybody has to take a pill.

You're a bunch of dolls, come on.

[laughter]

You see, it's another sexy one.

I didn't stand a chance.

Oh, sure you did.

He picked the name out of the bowl.

Yeah, but the only thing that comes out of that

bowl is sexy out-of-towners.

Boy, Millie, you are so phony.

What do you mean phony?

If they ever did pick you to go on, you'd die.

I'd live long enough to win a dryer or a dishwasher

and I wouldn't go home empty handed.

I know Rob could use his influence to get me on.

It took him half a day just to get us the tickets.

I already thanked you for that.

Ladies, ladies, excuse me.

There's still a chance for one lucky lady.

We had to disqualify Ms. Hackett.

She doesn't speak English, right?

- Perdón, gracias. - Gracias.

Gracias.

There's no need to apologize, dear.

We'll just pick another name.

Laura, did you ever have a sudden flash

of blind intuition hit you?

Hmm?

He's gonna call me.

Mrs. Mildred Helper.

Oh!

No!

Mildred Helper.

Hey, Mr. Patrick.

(SINGING) There she is.

No, here she is, I'm her friend.

JOHNNY PATRICK: What's wrong with her?

Uh, well, nothing.

Nothing?

You mean she always looks like that?

Uh, no.

Millie, come on.

I'll die, I'll just die, Laura.

Ladies, we better pick somebody else.

Millie, they're gonna pick someone else.

Pick, pick.

- Uh, Mr. Patrick? - Yeah.

LAURA: I think you'd better pick someone else.

She's a little nervous. - OK, thanks.

Hey, what about you? - Me?

Sure, why not?

You're not nervous, are you?

Well, uh--

Go ahead, Laura.

What do you mean go ahead?

I mean go ahead.

If you win something, we'll split it.

Don't be a baby.

When did you get so brave?

You can't lose.

You're smart and you're sexy. - Millie!

Ladies, we're gonna have to choose somebody else.

She'll do it. Go on.

Oh, all right.

How about a little encouragement for her?

[applause]

You know, Alan, we think in the new format,

the second dance number should come before the big sketch.

Gee, I don't know.

I like it.

Now, I like it.

Yeah, me too.

Yeah, I like it too.

What do you know?

Look at that tie you're wearing.

Pretty good.

Now, what else you got there, Rob?

Well, we have the list of the guest performers

we'd like to have on the show this next year.

Yeah, you'll notice they're mostly men.

Who made up the list?

Who else?

Listen, you guys, you know these advertising

guys are very sensitive and they have to be romanced.

So I'll do all the talking.

Yeah, and I'll do all the romancing.

If I need any help, I'll ask first.

- Yes, if Alan needs any help-- - Shut up, Mel.

Yes, sir.

If the meeting drags, I can play my cello.

Yeah, and then I'll get sick.

OK, fellas, we'll grab a quick bite and then get over there.

- I couldn't eat a thing. - I'm treating.

I'm starving.

[phone rings]

Hello?

Shut up, Mel.

Speak up, Mel!

Speak up!

It's for Rob.

Well, shut up and give it to him.

Come on, [inaudible].

Thanks, Mel.

Make it snappy, Rob.

Hello?

Rich?

Is anything wrong?

Rich?

It's my son.

Ritchie, I'm in a very important meeting.

Huh?

Well, Uncle Al and Uncle Mel and Uncle Buddy and Uncle Sally.

The kid calls up once a day when he gets a new riddle.

Yeah, and then we use it on the show.

What, Rich?

Wait a minute, Uncle Jerry called and said that Millie

said that mommy is on what?

Oh boy, this is tougher than usual.

Well, what television show?

Oh.

Oh, the dumb tickets I got.

Yeah, OK, Rich.

Thank you.

Yeah, boy.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Uh-huh.

I give up.

What is it?

An unlisted banana.

[laughs]

Very good, bye, Rich.

Hey, what's an unlisted banana?

Rob, what was that about?

Laura is gonna be on "The Johnny Patrick Show."

Well, who cares?

What's an unlisted banana?

When?

Today, right now.

What's an unlisted banana?

I got the tickets for her and Millie last week.

Rob?

What is long and yellow and seldom rings?

An unlisted banana.

[clapping]

Hey, look, why don't the rest of you go on to lunch.

I'd like to stay here and watch Laura on the show.

Is that all right, Alan?

Yeah, we'll be at the Purple Peacock.

Hey, listen, I'd like to watch that "Johnny Patrick Show."

It's a lot less fattening than lunch.

Johnny Patrick, he's the guy that's so rough on his guests.

Yeah, he once got an airline pilot so confused,

he had to confess that he hated to fly.

I once saw him get a woman so bad

that she told him she hated her kids.

Hey, well, tune it in, Mel.

Let's all stay and watch what he does to Laura.

[music playing]

[inaudible].

[applause]

JOHNNY PATRICK: Our next traveller

is a lovely lady from New Rochelle,

New York, Mrs. Laura Petrie.

Let's hear it, girls.

[applause]

It's Mrs. Laura Petrie?

That's right.

That's my friend.

This is her coat.

She looks good.

Yeah.

Petrie, Petrie, is your husband in television?

Yes, he is.

I thought that name was familiar.

Ladies and gentlemen, this little lady

happens to be married to one of the most

talented men in our business.

LAURA: Thank you, I think he is.

The producer of that fantastic show, "The World in Trouble,"

Dave Petrie.

[applause]

Oh, no.

Oh, I'm sorry.

He's not producing that show anymore?

No, he's not my husband.

Oh, well, I didn't mean to let the cat out of the bag.

- No, no, he never was. - Oh!

[laughter]

No, see my husband is Rob Petrie.

Who?

LAURA: Robert Petrie.

JOHNNY PATRICK: I'm afraid I don't know that name.

LAURA: Well, he's the head writer

of "The Alan Brady Show."

JOHNNY PATRICK: Oh, sure.

Is that still on?

LAURA: Of course it is.

JOHNNY PATRICK: Tell me, Laura, now listen, is the show any

better now than it used to be?

LAURA: Oh, yes.

JOHNNY PATRICK: Oh? LAURA: I mean no.

JOHNNY PATRICK: Oh.

Boy, I'm getting hungry.

Well, what do you mean?

Well, I mean, it was always good.

You're a little bit nervous, Laura, but tell me,

now listen, now just between us, what is Alan Brady really like?

Don't anybody make a sound.

LAURA: Well, he's a very fine, talented man.

All right, let's hear it, a sigh of relief all around.

She's cute.

[laughs]

JOHNNY PATRICK: I agree, Alan Brady

is an extremely talented man.

You know, this guy is very good.

My husband's always saying how exhilarating it is to work

for a man as gifted as Alan.

JOHNNY PATRICK: Yeah, well, she'd have to say that, folks.

No, she didn't.

But tell me, listen, is he any easier to get along with now?

LAURA: Oh, yes.

No, uh, he's the same.

JOHNNY PATRICK: Come on, now, the truth.

Is he still a screamer?

LAURA: I wouldn't put it that way.

JOHNNY PATRICK: Oh?

LAURA: Well, as far as I know, he was never that way.

You're very quick, Mrs. Petrie,

and you're a great sport.

We're gonna give you a chance to win

some prizes right after this word from [inaudible]..

How do you like that guy, trying to get her to say all

those rotten things about me?

I hope you notice she didn't, though.

She's very good, very good.

He was trying to get her to put her foot in your mouth.

Alan, if you're going to have lunch and get to that meeting,

you'd better get going.

Shut up, Mel.

What are you doing in my chair?

I don't know.

Look, it's late and Laura's not gonna mind

if we don't watch the rest.

Oh, don't you want to see if she wins anything?

It doesn't matter whether she wins, the important thing is

she didn't lose. - Huh?

Your job.

[laughs]

Good luck.

[applause]

OK, let's see what Laura Petrie, the writer's wife,

won on her pay-as-you-go trip from New York to California,

a hair dryer, a vacuum cleaner, a rotisserie, and an eight

millimeter movie projector.

[applause]

Thank you.

You're very welcome, Laura.

And I hope you'll come to see us again, won't you?

Well, I'll try.

Thank you.

Oh, one thing, one thing I meant to ask you.

Yes.

Have you ever been to Alan Brady's house?

Oh, yes.

Uh-huh.

Does he where is toupee at home?

Oh, golly, yes, he wears it all the time.

Do you mean that Alan Brady is really bald?

No.

Well, then why does he wear a toupee?

Well--

That's it, ladies, the secret's out,

she knows and she said it.

How about that, folks?

[inaudible]

I didn't-- I didn't mean to--

Laura, listen, don't worry about it.

I'm sure that Alan will understand.

Oh, no, he won't. You don't know him.

When he finds out he's gonna just--

He'll what? He'll what?

- Nothing. - What?

- Nothing. - He'll what?

He's a very nice man.

Thank you very much for all the prizes.

- Thank you for the scoop. - Thank you.

Bye.

How about that girls?

You having fun?

Don't forget, you heard it on this show.

[applause]

How could I have been so stupid?

You weren't stupid, you won four prizes.

Look, I'll take the hair dryer--

Millie, will you forget the prizes?

I told America that Alan Brady is bald.

Well, so?

A lot of men are bald.

But a lot of men aren't big television

stars, my husband's boss, and the vainest man in the world.

Well, listen, people say things

on that program every day and nobody hears about it.

But nobody ever said that Alan Brady is

bald, Millie, that's big news.

Hey you know, I didn't know that.

How bald is he?

Rob's home.

Listen, Millie, would you stay with me?

I wish you hadn't asked me that.

Why?

Because you're not gonna like my answer.

Goodbye and good luck.

Oh, Millie.

Hi, I see you're home.

Uh, yeah.

Boy, did you louse up a day for us.

Alan is furious.

Are you?

Well, no, honey, I mean, after all,

it wasn't really your fault.

Right, oh, Rob, you're wonderful.

Gee, I've been worried sick all day thinking

you'd come home and k*ll me.

What do you mean worried?

When did you hear about it?

Rob, what are you talking about?

Talking about Alan.

We were due at a meeting, but we stayed in the office

to watch you.

Then you did watch it?

Yeah, it got late, we ran for a cab.

Alan fell down, sprained his ankle.

He blames you, that's all.

Did you win anything?

Well, I thought you just said you watched.

Well, not all of it, honey, just your interview part, see.

Boy, were we proud of the way you handled that Patrick rat.

Oh, Alan said you saved my job.

What'd you win?

Oh, I won a dryer and a rotiss--

rotiss-- and a--

[slurps]

I'm so unhappy.

Why?

'Cause you didn't watch all of the show.

I told you I had to work.

No, Rob.

At the very end of the show, I didn't handle myself

too well with that Patrick rat.

Aw, gee, he got you to say something embarrassing,

didn't he?

What was it?

That Alan Brady is bald.

Huh?

Y-- you-- you--

You said he had no hair on television.

Honey, oh, sweetheart, you--

you knew that was a secret, didn't you?

Yes.

Yeah, that's right.

What's the fun in telling if it's not a secret.

But Rob, he tricked me.

Oh, he tricked you.

All right, he tricked you.

Oh, he's very, very tricky.

But telling the whole world about Alan's wig--

Oh, are we in trouble.

Well, Rob, you saw the way he asked those questions.

You just hardly know how to answer 'em.

I am surprised you didn't blab about his nose being fixed.

I didn't know Alan had a nose job.

No.

Up to now, it was a secret.

Rob, I thought we had no secrets from each other.

Well, he-- wait a minute.

You're mad at me for not telling you a secret right

in the middle of an argument where I'm mad at you

for telling a secret?

I'm not sure.

But you see how you can blurt something

out when you're excited, Rob?

And I wasn't even trying to trick you.

Well, I hope that by some fabulous miracle

Alan doesn't find out about it.

Well, Millie suggested that.

Oh, what a day, now I'm thinking like Millie.

Rob, I just don't know what to do.

[phone rings]

Answer the phone.

Alan will tell you what to do.

Oh, Rob, I can't.

[phone rings]

Hello?

Oh, Buddy.

Huh?

How did you find out?

What, Sal, how did she--

She read it in the newspaper.

Alan?

Buddy, huh?

Oh, boy.

OK, well, listen, I'll see you tomorrow maybe.

Thanks a lot.

Well?

Well, the item in the paper said the question of whether

Alan Brady is bald or not was answered today on television

by the wife of the future ex-writer

of "The Alan Brady Show."

And then they printed my name.

Rob, will it make you feel any better if I

tell you how really sorry I am?

Well, no.

But if it makes you feel any better, go ahead.

I'm sorry.

Rob, what do you think Alan will do?

Well, uh, honey, it's not what, it's how,

how, how he'll do it.

Hey, how come you're still here?

Oh, don't worry, he's not gonna fire me.

It'd look too bad in the papers.

Yeah, you're right, it wouldn't

look good to fire a guy the same day you k*ll him.

He's not gonna k*ll me.

No?

He ain't gonna give you a raise.

Whatever he's gonna do, I wish he'd hurry up and do it.

Has any man ever lost his job because of his wife?

What was the name of Marie Antoinette's

husband, the guy with no head?

Yeah, I could get fired.

What else did you do to Laura?

What do you mean what else?

Well, after you kicked her and hit her and yelled at her

and broke her purse mirror?

Well, Buddy, after I yelled at her, I didn't do anything.

Matter of fact, after I yelled at her, I apologized for it.

You apologized?

Why is it when they do something wrong, we always

end up apologizing to 'em?

I don't know.

Pickles never does anything wrong.

Come on.

She never does anything.

Hi, Bud.

Oh, hi, Sal.

Where's Laura?

She's at the Smithsonian Institute.

They're making a statue of her mouth.

Come on, where's Laura?

She's at home.

No, she's not, she's here.

Where?

I don't know where, but I saw her get into the elevator.

The elevator?

Yeah, you know, that little room in the lobby

that goes up and down.

In this building?

Of course this building.

I saw her when the doors closed.

I figured she came up here.

I don't understand it, where is she?

Well, she probably went up on the roof

and she's gonna jump off.

Oh, Alan's office.

She's got a better chance jumping.

Where are you going?

To protect my wife from protecting me.

Here it is, Mel, $1,000 worth of hair.

What am I supposed to do with it?

Well, Alan, I was wondering if--

You want one of them?

I'd rather make a coat for my wife.

Pick it up, pick it up, pick it up.

I can't tell you how sorry I am about this whole mess.

You can't tell me anything.

Don't touch my hair, will you?

[phone buzzes]

Yes, what?

Mrs. Petrie?

Rob's wife?

No, his mother.

I know it's his wife.

Send her in.

That girl is crazy. She is crazy.

Well, I've always felt there was a little problem there.

You've never felt anything.

Now go answer the door, will you?

No, don't say anything.

Let me look at you.

Fellas, there she is.

There's the little lady who put you out of business.

Your husband's gonna let you take the rap all by yourself,

huh? - Oh, no.

No, Alan, if Rob knew that I was here, he'd k*ll me.

Good, I'll call him.

No, Alan.

Please, Rob, as you know, Alan, I--

You see-- When I--

Well-- - What?

What!

What!

How's your foot?

How does it look?

Oh.

Ooh!

Ah!

[growls]

Does it hurt?

Laura, what the heck are you doing here?

Well, I--

If you'd like to see ruins, why don't you go to Greece?

Oh, Alan, you're not ruined, really.

First my leg, then my hair.

What are you after, my liver?

Well, Alan, I came to apologize

and to tell you personally that I'd like to try to explain.

Explain what?

You've got a big mouth.

I do, I know, I know, Alan.

If you wanted a free rotisserie or a dryer,

I would have gotten 'em for you.

I would have gotten you a house, a show place.

Oh, Alan, you don't have to do that.

Alan, could I say something?

You've got more to say?

Well, I've been thinking, Alan,

and well, for instance, I think you

look very nice without your--

Hair?

Well, yes, and well, for instance,

now, I'm not saying that just because I'm in trouble, Alan,

although goodness knows I am--

Oh, yes.

But believe me, sincerely Alan, really sincerely,

and you can ask anybody, I have always said that I like you

so much better without your--

It's hair!

Hair!

You didn't have any trouble saying it on television!

When did you ever see me without my hair?

Well, a couple of times.

Remember the time on your boat when you fell overboard?

You bumped into me!

No, no, you tripped over Rob.

Hear that fellas?

The whole family's after me.

And there's the time at the hospital

when you had your tonsils out.

Yeah, so?

Well, I remember telling Rob and I told him to tell you--

did he ever tell you?

Because I told him to tell you how

very nice and natural and warm you look that way.

Sort of like a father figure, right?

Oh, no, no, Alan, just the opposite.

Bald mother figure?

No.

No, Alan, like a very mature, warm, real person.

Put a little bit more snow in here, we can ski.

Alan, I really like your hair not on--

you, without it.

If this is so, why didn't you tell me this in private?

Well, I just didn't feel it was my place.

No, your place is on network television.

Alan, it was an accident.

An accident?

So was Custer's Last Stand.

You want a scalp to hang on your belt?

Huh?

This is a cute one.

I had this one made so people would

say Alan was losing his hair.

Would you like that one?

Or would you like a crew cut, one

that I had made for the summer?

Or this one, my "Alan you need a haircut."

Huh, would you like these?

What do you-- what-- what do you sugg--

what do you suggest I do with all of these now, huh?

Well, there must be some needy bald people.

Needy bald people?

Needy bald people-- Laura, you're a nut!

No, I--

Oh!

Oh, hi.

What are you doing here?

Well, I just didn't want you to take the blame

and possibly get fired.

Honey, it's a man's place to take the blame

and possibly get fired.

I'm responsible for you.

Now, why didn't you say something to me?

Because if I did, you wouldn't have let me come.

You're darn right I wouldn't have let you come.

You shouldn't be here.

Hi there, remember me?

Hi.

Hi, Alan.

Uh, Alan, whatever you were gonna say to Laura,

I would rather you said to me.

OK, Rob, if that's the way you want it.

Rob, you're a beautiful girl.

No, no, no, let me finish, sweetheart,

you're a beautiful girl.

And if I'd seen you one hour after you got on television,

I would have k*lled.

But I've been thinking, and it's--

it's interesting that you like me without my hair because my--

my secretary does too and so does my wife.

That's three in favor.

Well, I've always said I liked you better bald.

That's four, my butcher is five.

Now the fact that five dumbbells like me this way

isn't the only reason I've decided

to be adorable about this mess.

You're gonna be adorable?

Yeah, the fact is, this incident has sort of

taken a strain off my brain.

It's tough keeping a secret like this.

And now that it's out, I feel better about it.

You mean you're happy I told?

Happy?

They're perfect.

You see, not only do we have to forgive

them about their destruction, but we

have to be happy about it.

Yes, I'm happy.

- I am too. - Are you happy too?

I'm happy.

Oh, happy days are here again.

Don't try to make up.

Eh, look at it this way.

I'm not 29 anymore.

I'm an established genius.

And if anything, my publicity man says

my hair was holding me back.

Well, I wouldn't say that.

Don't say anything, I'm letting you off the hook.

But why?

She'll k*ll it for you yet.

No, sooner or later, it was bound to come out.

And this way, I'm getting a lot of sympathy,

not to mention the publicity.

Oh, that stuff in the article was great.

Yeah, they're coming up tomorrow to take

before and after pictures.

I may get the front and back cover of "News Time."

Well, honey, I'll bet you never

figured it'd turn out this well, did you?

Never.

Maybe I ought to go on television

and tell 'em about your nose.

You told her about my nose?

Nothing.

Ask Rob, I've always said I like you without your nose.

You did?

Did you tell her about my capped teeth?

- Hmm-mm. - Did you buy caps?

- No! - No.

Why don't you come to my house?

You'll find out a lot of things.

You can meet my wife.

Or you can find out all about my [inaudible]----

[music playing]

OK, Laura, it's only fair.

You're the one that got into trouble.

You get first choice.

Oh, well, I'll take the vacuum cleaner.

Oh.

Well, Millie, you said I could pick first.

Yeah, but I didn't know you were gonna pick that.

Well, OK, then you take the first pick.

- No, you won, you pick. - No.

Pick, pick.

Because I'll pick something--

Ladies, may I help solve this little problem here?

Please.

All right, there are four prizes right, Millie?

Yes.

You pick a number between one and 10.

Oh, uh, nine.

- All right, Laura? - Three.

Three.

All right, what's your favorite tree?

Weeping willow.

Weeping willow.

The mighty oak.

All right, your favorite planet.

Earth.

She took my planet.

Oh, Millie.

OK, give me Pluto.

OK, now, that makes you a nine willow Pluto,

and that makes you a three oak Earth.

So that means, Millie, that you get the dryer, right,

and the vacuum, and Laura gets the rotisserie

and the projector. That's it.

Wonderful.

Rob, how did you arrive at that?

Well, what's the difference, we did it?

[laughs]

[theme music]