05x07 - The Great Petrie Fortune

[bunniefuu]

[music playing]

NARRATOR: The d*ck Van d*ke Show.

Starring d*ck Van d*ke, Rose Marie, Morey Amsterdam, Larry

Matthews, and Mary Tyler Moore.

[music playing]

Honey, I feel awkward.

I don't see the guy for years, and then all of a sudden I

show up at the reading of the will.

Rob, you were invited to be here.

Oh.

And who is this young man?

Oh, I'm Rob Petrie.

Is my wife Laura.

How do you do?

Hezekiah was my great uncle.

Oh.

When did you see him last?

Oh, jeez, as a matter of fact, I haven't seen

him since I was 12 years old.

I had dinner with him the night before he passed on.

Aw that's wonder--

Well, I mean that's too bad.

All these years they had no time for him,

and now they crawl out of the woodwork.

An hour ago I was a writer, and now I'm a termite.

How do you do?

I'm Alfred Reinback, Hezekiah's half brother.

Oh.

Who's that?

I'm his wife.

Oh, you're not blood then.

No, no I'm a niece in law.

A great niece in law.

Thank you.

This is our cousin Lutha Wellin Detwiler, she's blood.

Oh, you can tell.

Oh, I loved that man.

And how he loved me.

You couldn't stand him and you know it.

But, he didn't know it.

And that's what's going to cost us.

Honey, if I ever make fun of your relatives

again give me one of those, will you?

You people just didn't know Hezekiah.

Know him?

I was his housekeeper.

I picked up after that old lovely man for 20 years.

No blood there.

I was with him at the end.

I was there the night he made his will, bless him.

She's the one.

I know her, she gets everything.

I saw that movie 100 times.

[music playing]

I'm sorry to have kept you waiting ladies and gentlemen.

Will you all sit down please.

I'm Leland Ferguson, Hezekiah Petrie's attorney.

Now, suppose we get this over with as fast as possible.

These matters are never pleasant,

and my wife has a roast in the oven.

Now, it's been rumored Hezekiah Petrie

was a selfish, mean, nasty, eccentric old man.

Nobody's perfect.

Your great uncle, mean though he may have been,

left an estate reputed to total over a million dollars.

Could have been 10 million if he'd have d*ed a year earlier.

I told him not to invest in 3D movies.

One of us is going to get stuck with 10 million

pair of cardboard eyeglasses.

He left an estate of considerably less value

due to causes which I am not at liberty to divulge.

Booze.

Of course.

Firstly, to his cousin Lutha Wellin Detweiler.

Here, here yes.

He bequeathed property valued at $65,000.

65 measly thousand dollars?

Measly?

Well, yes when you're entitled to half a million.

I knew he hated me, but I never knew how much.

Now you know.

And to his half brother Alfred.

Here it comes.

30,000 shares of [inaudible] carbon,

45,000 shares of acre mining, and 79,000

pairs of 3D eyeglass.

Gee, I would have loved those glasses.

We might get some.

Mr. Ike Ballinger.

- Who's Ike Ballinger? - I'm Ike Ballinger.

Oh, hi Ike.

Hi.

To Mr. Ike Ballinger, who on Thanksgiving day 1959

lifted me on his shoulder so I could

watch the Macy's Day parade.

For this kind, wonderful stranger who gave

me a piggyback I leave $2,000.

For a piggyback?

You see, it pays to be nice.

I lifted 3 old men and 10 kids that day.

Boy was I smashed.

And to his housekeeper, Rebecca.

Sit up, Ezra, this is it.

He left the income from his beachfront property

in Miami Beach.

We're rich!

I'm rich.

Real estate, stock, cash?

they probably used up all the good stuff.

Which brings us to Mr. Rob Petrie.

Present.

Now, before Mr. Petrie sees his inheritance,

I'll have to ask the rest of you to leave.

Why should We leave?

He knows what we got.

Because it's a condition of the will.

Now, come on, clear the room.

I've got to turn out the lights.

We're going to have a seance?

No, a movie.

He probably left us that old 3D movie.

Sure hope not.

What's his name got all the glasses.

Mr. Ferguson, what kind of movie is this?

Who's in it?

What is it about?

It's about your uncle Hezekiah.

They made a movie about him?

He made a movie about him before he passed away.

Well, I hope so.

He made this movie especially for you.

Now, you are instructed to pay very close attention.

Well, I'm not about to go out for popcorn.

LAURA PETRIE: Rob, he looked like you.

ROB PETRIE: I told you!

What?

Oh, I'm on?

Robby?

Rob Petrie?

Yes, yes sir.

Ah, you little shadow.

This is your old uncle Hezekiah.

How are you little shadow?

Hi.

Robby, last time I saw you must have been,

oh, 13-year-old.

I was 12.

No, 12 years old.

What's the difference?

Oh, what difference does it make.

You was always my favorite because you're

liked me for myself, boy.

That was mighty hard to do.

Now you're married.

Never did even meet pretty little what's her name.

Laura.

Robby, to you and the little what's

her name I'm leaving to you my most valuable possession.

Looks like a coffin.

Maybe there's money in it.

A small roll top desk, Robby.

That old desk?

Robby, remember how you used to like my riddles?

Well, I got a real brain breaker for you, boy.

Here it is.

In what you inherit are riches beyond compare.

So, get in there and ferret here, there, and everywhere.

Well, I guess that's it, huh?

But that's not all.

Robby, little shadow, remember when

I used to call you that, boy?

As you go through life, Robby, I thought

maybe you might enjoy this little memento

of your old uncle Hez.

You can't use it on your television show.

Maybe you can use it as a clue to the wealth in this old desk

here.

I'll fix that before I go.

All right Al, hit it!

[music playing]

(SINGING) Just me and my shadow strolling down the avenue.

Me and my shadow not a soul to tell our trouble to.

And when it's 12:00 I climb the stairs,

but he never knows cause nobody's there.

Just me and my shadow all alone and feeling blue.

I'm going to guess that's it, huh?

That's it.

Well, I don't get it.

Neither do I. But, the desk will be delivered to your home

this evening.

Well, we'll go through it tonight I guess.

HEZEKIAH: One more time.

[music playing]

(SINGING) And when it's 12:00--

Robby, let me try.

Honey, give me a chance.

It's an old desk with a rusty lock, and a bent key.

Well don't break the desk, that might

be the thing that's valuable.

Honey, instead of hurrying me, why don't you

try to open a drawer.

They won't open darling.

Until you unlock that part.

All right, don't bother me and let me do it!

Well, beyond compare, I've seen 1,000 of these desks.

Hey, Rob you know my aunt Birdie

had a desk just like this one.

What was it worth?

Well, I don't know.

But I mean, it could be worth a couple hundred dollars.

That is not lasting wealth.

Unless we happen to die right after dinner tonight.

Oh, Rob.

You know something, uncle Hezekiah was very wrong.

I don't like riddles.

Brings out the very worst in me.

Yeah, me too.

We're beginning to act like your relatives.

Well, after all I am one of them you know.

No you're not.

You went there expecting nothing,

and they were there expecting something.

Yeah, and I got nothing, and now I want something!

Then keep jiggling!

Whatever's in here, we'll have to be satisfied with it honey.

I mean, sentiment counts for something.

It's open?

I hope it is filled with gold.

Well, so much for sentiment.

Wow.

Nothing!

You noticed that too, huh?

There's a lot of little cubbyholes.

There's no cubbies in them.

What's that?

I don't know.

It says, uncle Hezi in papa's arms, 1863.

Can you imagine that?

This is Uncle Hezi over 100 years ago.

Cute, very cute.

Uncle Hezi, I'll put you right up here where

you can watch your favorite nephew try

and solve your little riddle. - Aha!

What you got?

Paper clips, rubber bands, pens, old campaign buttons.

Who are they?

Charles Evans Hughes, William Jennings Brian, Thomas E.

Dewey.

Look in another drawer.

This one's a loser.

Rob!

Jewels?

Gold dust?

Marbles.

Marbles!

Honey, those aren't just marbles.

What do you mean?

Well, they're all puries.

Look at that.

Are they worth something?

Honey, weren't you ever a kid?

I was a girl kid.

That's right.

Well, Richie will be excited about them anyway.

Hey, Rob these look like black pearls.

But, they have a funny smell.

What's on the label?

Dr. Herbert's kidney pills and spleen condition.

Antique pills, worth anything?

Well, not unless you got an antique spleen I guess.

Who knows what's valuable?

We don't even know what we're looking for.

But, I found it.

What?

Rob, it's a $10,000 w*r bond.

$10,000 w*r bond?

From the Civil w*r!

Which side?

Oh, gee.

Well, it ought to be worth something.

Not unless you collect pictures

of Jefferson Davis it isn't.

Uncle Hezi never backed a winner in his life.

Here's a key to something.

It's got a bunny on it.

Yeah it's a key to something.

That old devil, he belonged to the bunny club.

Hey, maybe those pills are worth something after all.

Rob, are you sure he liked you?

Honey, everybody did.

I'll take the key.

Oh, yeah.

There's a couple of more drawers.

Let's keep looking here.

You know, we have to consider who we're dealing with here.

An eccentric old guy--

Rob.

You know he'd make us jump through a couple of hoops.

Rob.

What is it?

It's the biggest--

I mean the very biggest diamond I've

ever seen in my whole life.

Where?

Next to this glass doorknob?

I'm sorry!

I couldn't see.

Keep looking honey.

Well, we've looked through every single drawer.

Well, let's go through everything again.

It's got to be in here somewhere.

I mean, he went through all that trouble

to make that film, and dying and everything.

Maybe it's a practical joke.

Honey, anybody who would die for a practical joke

deserves to get his laugh.

Now, let's rip it apart.

He told me that I was inheriting riches beyond compare,

and then he sang me a chorus of me and my shadow.

Now, why?

Well, maybe he left you Ted Lewis.

Why don't we go over the lyrics once again

and listen to him very carefully this time.

All of us.

OK.

Me and my shadow strolling down the Avenue.

Let's see, shadow, shadow, shadow.

Yeah, yeah what does that mean?

Shadow.

Well, Maud Cranston.

We all know, but the shadow knows.

(LAUGHS)

Forget her Rob.

Go on.

Where was I?

Me and my shadow, not a soul to tell my troubles to.

That means he was lonesome, right?

Go on, go on.

And what it's 12 o'clock I climb the stairs.

Wait a minute.

Stairs, stairs.

I never knock cause nobody's there.

Yeah.

(SINGING) Hear me shouting all alone and feeling blue.

Yes sir!

That just happens to be it.

All alone and feeling blue.

It is?

Yeah.

When you're all alone and feeling blue at 12 o'clock,

call Fred Astaire and borrow money.

This is important to us.

Think of something better.

You know something?

I think this whole thing is just a rotten joke on me.

But Rob, he was so fond of you.

Yeah, he was.

And I think he's getting even with me

because I didn't visit him.

Go visit him.

Buddy, will you please stop with the jokes?

Rob, there's no sense getting mad at Buddy.

I'm not mad at Buddy.

I'm just mad at this dumb desk!

Hey.

Hey.

Oh, look what the dumb desk did.

A secret drawer!

Of course there's be a secret drawer.

- What is it? - Honey, this is it.

- What? - We're Rich.

Rob, what are you talking about?

We've got three wishes.

Aladdin's lamp.

I wish you'd stop acting so silly.

I wish you'd open it.

Come on.

I wish you'd all be quiet.

That's three wishes, we just blew it.

Hello.

Hey, money, money, money.

What is it?

Oh, look at all the coins!

There's no telling how much this is worth.

Yeah, put it all together it's about a dollar and a quarter.

Wait a minute, wait a minute.

These are old coins, these could be worth a fortune.

That's right.

I remember reading in the paper about a man

who sold a penny for $12,000.

A penny?

Boy, you put that in a machine you'd get a solid gold gumball.

You know, we ought to get someone to look at these.

- I'm looking, I'm looking! - No, an expert.

We don't know anything about old coins.

We also don't know an expert.

I'll look in the phone book.

What do I look under?

Try X for expert.

Honey, down at the Village Hobby Shop,

I think there's a newmismatist.

This is no time to tell fortunes.

Buddy, a numismatist is a coin expert.

Oh.

Well, these are old coins.

Get an old-mismatist.

Honey, ask him if he'll make a house call, will you?

Ah-ha.

What do you got?

What do you got?

1799.

Hey, here's another penny.

Make it an even $18.

$40 for one nickel?

And this 1909 quarter in perfect condition

would bring at least, oh, $20.

For a quarter?

Well, you did better with the nickel.

Well, yeah but that's only two coins.

And we have a lot more to go.

Oh gracious, this is a delightful coin.

First one I've seen.

How much is that worth?

Uh, $0.10.

It's a new dime, it's the first one I've seen.

Where'd that come from?

It's mine, I used it to pry open the lamp.

Mr. Harlo, is there anything excellent or unusual here

like Washington with a crew cut, or a rare Polish half

dollar or something?

How about Washington with a Polish haircut?

Oh, here, here, here, here's one.

Oh, you're kidding!

Washington with a Polish--

a 1913 Indian head nickel minted in San Francisco.

Oh, we have a number of these here.

Well, is that good?

Well, yes it could be.

- Where are you going? - To get my catalog.

Oh.

Now, of course, we all know about the nickel.

Yes, it's a Buffalo on one side, and an Indian head

on the other.

I got one here that's just the opposite.

You have a very rare sense of humor.

Yeah, they haven't found a cure for it yet either.

Mr. Harlo, what's so special about this nickel?

Well, that's a long story.

Well, how about giving us a nickel's worth.

You see, these coins were made in two varieties.

One with the Buffalo standing on a mound,

and the other, a Buffalo standing on the plane.

Oh.

Mr. Harlo, how much is that coin worth?

Well, according to the catalog here if you had

a set of these like this, a matching set

would be worth $20,000.

- Holy cow. - There's got to be it.

There's got to be a matching coin in there.

That's the treasure!

OK look, why don't each take a pile, and we'll go--

[interposing voices]

Right, right?

Is that a good idea Mr. Harlo?

Yes, yes.

They seldom jump up and say, here I am.

Hey, here's one.

The buffalo is on the mound.

Here's one with the Buffalo on the mound.

Hey, oh, Buffalo on the mound.

On the mound.

Stupid mound.

Yeah, mound.

Don't be mound.

Hey, I got one.

There's a Buffalo on a plane?

No, the plane left.

He's on a bus.

Mound.

Mound.

Mound.

Well, I'm very sorry Mr. Petrie.

Well, obviously Hezekiah was a rotten coin collector.

Well, yes I'm afraid so.

But, they're far from worthless.

How far?

Well, I'd say in the neighborhood of $400.

Yeah, for a rich uncle, that's kind of a rundown neighborhood.

Yes, but if you hold on to these, in time they'd

be worth, oh, $700, $800.

When?

About the turn of the century.

That's a pretty slow turn.

You don't even put your handout for that one.

[music playing]

Yes.

[screaming]

I don't believe it.

Oh, I was just fooling around.

I could have told you it wouldn't work.

You tried it too, didn't you?

I was just dusting it.

Honey, I was sitting here thinking,

we're looking for the wrong things.

All this stuff here's stuff he wanted us to have.

Probably everything in the desk, no matter how trivial it seems

is important to him, priceless to him.

His lucky marbles, his kidney pills, his $10,000 w*r bond.

A diamond doorknob.

Now, how could get sentimental about a doorknob?

Well, Rob it could have been from the door

to his honeymoon suite.

I don't know.

I don't think he ever married, honey.

Well, it's the door to someplace nice.

I think you're right.

I think he wanted us to have the things that

were most important to him.

Yeah.

Like this picture.

It doesn't mean anything to us, it's just two men

standing there, one guy holding a baby.

Might have been his only baby picture.

It probably was.

Look how clear that is.

You see the clock.

Look at that, straight at midnight.

The guy standing on a stair all alone, and feeling blue.

Me and my shadow.

That's the clue.

That's the clues in the song honey.

The clock, there's a guy standing on a stair,

the other guy-- the other guy!

Holy cow!

What!

Honey, Hezekiah was born in 1863

in Gettysburg Pennsylvania.

Wow!

What wow?

Honey, look at the other guy standing

all alone on a stair and feeling blue,

with a stovepipe hat and a beard.

Rob, that looks like--

The real Raymond Massey.

And look at the MB down here in the corner.

Matthew Brady.

This is an authentic Matthew Brady photograph

of Abraham Lincoln honey.

This is what he wanted us to find.

This is it.

This is it!

Well, what are we going to do with it?

Why, you either keep them or you sell them!

Well, you can do that with a pie.

Well yeah this isn't exactly a pie is it?

You're not thinking of selling it, are you?

Huh?

I'm Not?

I mean, well of course not.

Why not?

I don't know darling.

I think if he wanted it sold, he would have done that himself.

Or, he would have willed it to one of his greedier relatives.

Yeah, you're right.

Why did you have to think of that anyway?

I only thought of it a couple of seconds

before you would have.

Yeah, but it makes you nicer than me.

How much you think it would be worth?

I don't even want to think about it.

Just give me a second here to separate

my greed from my conscience.

Well, we're not going to keep it.

- Greed won? - No, conscience, honey.

We can't keep that.

That's a piece of Americana.

You know, it belongs in a museum somewhere.

In a museum, you're absolutely right.

Where everyone can see it.

Yeah, and where they can see that little gold plaque

underneath that says, on loan from the collection of Mr.

And Mrs. Robert Petrie.

Rob, you know that would cost us a fortune.

Huh?

Yeah, when they see that, they're going to want to see

the rest of our collection.

And what are we going to show them?

What are we going to show them?

We're going to say, step right up

and see this spleen pills folks.

So, you wound up with a fuzzy picture of Lincoln's back.

Well, don't forget the desk, and $400 worth of old coins.

Yeah.

It's just like my aunt Agnes always says,

you can choose your friends, but you

can't choose your relatives.

So, choose friends with a lot of money.

Great for your aunt Agnes, she's finally right.

Which reminds me, how about loaning me a picture of Lincoln

till Monday. - I put it in a museum, Buddy.

No, not that one.

The one on the $5 bill.

OK, OK.

Will you just kindly remember that that's

on loan from the Robert Petrie collection?

Hey, you mean you got a collection?

How about lending me two Lincoln's,

a Jackson, and a Hamilton.

What for?

I think I'll start a collection of my own.

[music playing]