05x19 - The Bottom of Mel Cooley's Heart

[bunniefuu]

[THEME MUSIC - EARLE HAGEN, "THE d*ck VAN d*ke SHOW THEME"]

ANNOUNCER: The d*ck Van d*ke Show.

Starring d*ck Van d*ke, Rose Marie, Morey Amsterdam, Larry

Matthews, and Mary Tyler Moore.

[music playing]

You know something?

I feel sorry for him.

I feel sorry for Mel Cooley.

Me, Buddy Sorrell.

Imagine that.

I feel sorry for that bald-headed baboon.

Alan Brady is a monster.

You don't do that to a guy, even if he is your brother-in-law.

Hi, fellas.

Sorry I ran out on you.

How'd the dress rehearsal go?

You just missed the performance of all time.

What?

Really?

Just be lucky you weren't there, that's all.

Alan Brady exploded.

Oh, no kidding. What happened?

What happened?

He just showed his true self in front of the sponsor

and the entire cast.

Oh, that's terrible.

Tell me more.

Tell me more.

Sal.

Sal, I was shocked, me, and you know I'm shockproof.

Poor Mel.

Poor Mel?

From you?

What happened?

Well, Mel forgot to tell Alan that we changed

the running order of the show.

So?

So, Alan comes walking out in his rubber

suit with his flippers on thinking

it was a mermaid sketch, he walks into a nightclub

full of girls in evening gowns.

Sounds a lot funnier than what we wrote.

Oh funny, It was hysterical, but instead of laughing it off

Alan blew his top.

Toupee and all!

Should have seen him out there screaming.

Stop the show!

Stop everything!

I could k*ll my producer!

Oh.

And then, Alan dragged poor Mel out in front of everybody

and bludgeoned him to death.

Oh, no.

Oh, yeah.

You should have heard the names.

Mr. Deadhead.

Mr. Relative.

He even says a brother-in-law can be replaced.

And of course, Mel just stood there.

And Rob tried to stand up for him,

but when he did Alan turns around

and starts picking on Rob.

He just took it.

He just stood there and took it.

That was his big mistake.

You mean to say he didn't even try to answer?

Well, the mouth kept moving, but no words came out.

I tell you he was like a broken toy.

It was awful.

He should have fought back.

Mel fight back?

[knock on door]

Come in.

Rob-- oh, excuse me, uh, Sally, Buddy.

Could I speak to you for a minute in private.

Sure, go ahead, Mel.

Uh no, in the hall.

It's personal.

Oh, oh.

Excuse me, guys.

Boy, looks like Mel got a big problem.

No, I don't think so.

I think he just gave it to Rob.

[music playing]

[music playing]

How's it holding?

Perfect.

Hey, that's the best glue yet.

Yeah, sure is.

I wish I could take some to the office

and put old Mel back together again.

Boy, out in that hallway, honey, he

was that far away from crying.

He kept thanking me for standing up for him.

I was really touched.

Yeah.

Boy, Alan can be vicious sometimes.

Especially if he spots a weakness,

and unfortunately Mel has most of the weaknesses in our group.

Yeah, but that's no excuse for Alan's behavior.

I'm not trying to excuse it, I'm just trying to explain it

the way I did to Mel.

Why don't you try having a talk with Alan?

How can you ask for respect for somebody else?

Like my mother always said, if you don't respect yourself

nobody else will.

Yeah well, everybody's mother says that.

Except Mel's.

Well, I'm his new mother and I don't know

what to do with him either.

Why don't you just try being a mother?

Honey, you can't tell somebody to have confidence.

Although, I guess you can help them build it up, can't you.

Uh-huh.

And you can start by putting a muzzle on Buddy.

I think Buddy feels so bad he's already muzzled himself.

Good because I don't think those insults of his

have helped Mel any.

No.

Yeah, I feel guilty about that, but in a strange way

I've always felt that it gave Mel an identity, you know.

He seemed to like it.

Oh, I doubt that.

Well, I do too.

I don't know.

I'm gonna talk to Buddy and Sally

tomorrow and see if I can't find some way to build up his ego

a little bit.

Honey, would you time me?

This has to set two minutes.

[phone rings]

And there's the bell.

Would you get it?

I have to hold this.

[phone rings]

Hello?

Oh hello, Alan.

Yes he is, uh, uh, but he's, uh, kind of busy, Alan.

Could he call you back?

Well, no.

No, nothing.

It's just he's, uh, gluing, uh--

Well, here he is, Alan.

Wait, honey, I'm left-eared. I can't--

Oh.

Thank you.

Huh?

Well look, you don't have to apologize to me, Alan.

I, I wasn't defending him.

Well, I think that's going a little bit too far, Alan.

Stupid maybe, but--

Who, all, all right, who?

Fred Fratkin?

Well Alan, I don't know that much about him.

I worked with him on one show but it was a special.

I don't know how he'd be doing producing a show every week.

Yeah well, OK, I will.

Well, if I think of anybody.

OK.

I'll see you in the morning.

Hang me up, honey.

Fred Fratkin's a producer isn't he?

Yep, and he's liable to be our producer.

Oh, Alan wouldn't.

Oh, he sounded like he would.

Well, there can't be a little build up for Mel.

We've got to go in for a full-scale renovation now.

It sounds to me like it may be too late.

Oh, boy.

Did you ever, when you were a kid, play that game?

Like, if I take my hand away, and this glue sticks,

then everything's gonna be all right

with whatever the problem is.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I'm gonna try it.

Everything's gonna be all right for Mel.

[music playing]

If we don't do something some guy like Fred Fratkin's

gonna end up producer of our show.

Fred Fratkin!

What does he know about a comedy show?

Well, what does Mel know?

That's it.

That's the kind of talk right there that destroyed Mel's ego.

Oh, come on.

Any guy can't take a little ribbing?

Well, ribbing in private is one thing but,

but running him down in front of everybody.

All right.

So how do we run him up?

Well, we gotta make him feel appreciated,

make him feel wanted.

Why don't we put his picture in the post office?

He did it again.

I'm sorry.

Now look, the first thing we're gonna do

is take him to lunch today.

Hey, do we have to go that far?

Forget it. I'm sorry.

Buddy, do you want us to leave you here?

No, we can't.

We don't have a sitter for him.

There you see.

She insulted me.

If you got a sense of humor, you gotta throw funny lines.

But if you have a sense of decency you control it.

Come on.

If you're going to insult me use a little humor.

Look, now our job at lunch today is to start

the ego building program.

We may save the job yet if we can just get him

to put a new face on for Alan.

Forget the lunch.

Take him to a plastic surgeon.

I'm sorry.

All right, you got any more in you, Buddy?

Get them all out. - No, that's it.

That's the last one. - You sure?

- Yeah, I'm sure. - OK.

Good.

OK, let's get the jerk in here.

That is not the way we build him up.

First of all, we don't call him a jerk

and we don't get him in here.

We go to him.

Now come on.

OK.

And another thing, no cracks about his hair.

What hair?

Grr.

You are in charge of his mouth.

If he opens it stick a buttered roll in it.

Like a bad little kid.

Come on.

[music playing]

Well, this certainly is pleasant.

Why haven't we done this before? - I don't know.

Why haven't we?

You know, Rob and I were just saying that the other day,

and Buddy said so too.

He said, why don't we do this more often.

That, that's what I said.

Like, what she said I said.

Well, uh, gentlemen and Sally, yesterday you

saw why a producer goes gray before his time,

or loses his hair.

Oh, I didn't say anything.

Yeah, I know.

I, I appreciate your restraint.

Thank you.

Well, Mel as long as--

Why don't you have a buttered roll?

Yes, this is most pleasant.

Yeah, just great.

Great.

Yeah, million laughs.

Mel, I'll tell you the reason we asked

you to come to lunch today.

Well, one of them.

There's a lot of reasons.

One, we don't do this often enough.

We never do it.

That's reason enough, you know, to do it.

But there's, you know, the real reason,

well, the special reason--

Well, well, what Rob means is there,

there really is no special reason, Mel.

It's just that, it's just that we love you, that's all.

Well, thank you, Sally.

OK.

What do you say we drink to them, huh?

Yeah.

Hey, I'll make a toast.

To Mel.

Here, eat your bread.

I'll, uh, make a toast here.

Uh, Mel, to a long and happy association.

I'll drink to that.

You will?

Oh look, just because he kids you once in a while, Mel,

you know, it's nothing.

You should hear how he tears us down when you're not around.

Drink up.

Skoal.

Ah.

Well, it has been a long and happy association,

but I can't tell right now how long it's gonna last.

Well, uh, Mel, that's what we wanted to talk to you about.

You've heard something. What have you heard?

No, nothing!

I mean, just, all I heard was what you said.

You just, you just said it.

Yeah, I, I guess yesterday's incident's everybody's news

by now.

Well, I for one would like to go on record as saying

I think it was inexcusable.

Well, I didn't know that the, the running order

had been cha-- - No, no.

Not you, Mel.

I think Alan's behavior was inexcusable.

No, no.

It was my fault. Alan was well within his rights

to take me to task.

Oh, come on, Mel.

No, no.

We must make allowance for the artist's temperament.

Oh Mel, you've allowed too much.

You accept things too easily.

You're too humble.

You're you're--

You're better than that Fred Fratkin any day.

Try the pumpernickel.

Fred, Fred Fratkin?

What about Fred Fratkin?

Nothing about him.

Well then, why did he say I was better than him?

Well, because you are, Mel.

You're better than any of those guys.

What guys?

Well, producers in general, Mel.

I mean, you, you don't give yourself enough credit.

You, you-- Sally and I know what you've

done for that show, Buddy too.

Sure but we love you anyway.

Try the raisin bread.

The thing is Mel, your position on the show may

be a little shaky right now--

You have heard something.

No, I haven't heard, there's--

Mel, can I be frank with you?

Oh, please do.

Mel, Alan Brady is never going to respect you until you stand

up to him and refuse to take the kind

of stuff he's been handing you.

Yeah, and he's been handing you some pretty rough stuff

lately.

It's because he knows he can get away with it.

He underestimates you, but believe me,

if you just sit there and wait for him to fire you,

he'll do it.

You do know something.

All I know is if you stand up to him he'll back down.

You think so?

I'm almost sure.

So am I.

I'm positive.

So what have you got to lose?

Rob, you definitely know something.

All I know is, Mel, he's got to be told.

I'll do it.

Excuse me.

I'm gonna do what I should have done

15 years ago when he didn't invite

me to my own sister's wedding.

He didn't?

No, he didn't.

Well, while you're at it, belt your sister.

Thank you, one and all.

I'm reborn.

What do you think?

Well, I think he's a little [inaudible]..

I think we better get up there and back him up.

Waiter, check please. - Wait a minute.

What do you mean waiter?

Aren't we gonna have some lunch?

A man's life is at stake.

I know.

I'm starving to death.

[music playing]

What happened?

It's about to happen.

Mr. Brady, please.

I am doing the right thing, aren't I?

Abso-- what are you doing?

What you told me to do.

Alan, this is Mel.

I wanna see you.

No, not later, right now.

You stay there.

I'm coming up.

- Nice going, Mel. - That a boy, Mel.

Atta boy, Mel.

Hey, let's go listen at the door.

- Yeah. - Come on.

Well, wait a minute, not all of us.

It'll look suspicious.

I'll pretend like I'm telling my shoelace.

Wait, you're wearing loafers.

That's why I have to pretend.

[music playing]

I'll tell you something, I didn't

believe Mel had it in him.

He didn't have it in him.

We saw him put it in him.

You know what's gonna happen?

He's gonna get up in that room and Alan will give him

one of those looks and he'll just dissolve

like a bowl of quivering jelly.

How can you sit there and file your nails?

Well, what do you want me to do?

Bite them?

You should hear him.

Mel is magnificent.

Alan can't get a word in edgewise.

Come and listen.

Well, Mel? - I can't believe it.

What?

I just can't believe it.

What did I tell you?

He fired me!

[music playing]

[music playing]

Guess it's just one of those things.

Well, it isn't as if we had anything

to do with him getting fired.

Yes, it is.

It's exactly like that, and here we sit.

If we had any decency or guts we'd

marched right up there and tell Alan if Mel goes, we go.

All right.

Let's go do it.

You're right.

We tell him to put up or shut up.

- You with me? - Sure.

Come on. Let's go.

Come on.

I want to tell you something, boy.

Yeah, if Alan thinks he can get another person like Mel--

Well, he'll think twice next time he tries to pull this.

Well, it wouldn't accomplish anything anyway.

Yeah.

Besides it would only give Alan a chance

to fire Mel all over again.

Yeah, well you got a better excuse

for coming back than I got.

Yeah, what's yours?

I don't like Mel.

I feel totally responsible for it.

Oh no, Rob.

It's not your fault. - Come on.

Come on.

We're off the hook.

But Mel Cooley's off the payroll.

And I should at least try to get him back on.

That's right, Rob.

It's all your fault.

Do you know what you are?

Yes, but I've learned to live with it.

All right, Buddy.

Well, I have haven't discussed that with Sally

but I don't agree.

No, well, I did, I talked to Sally about that

and I just don't agree with it.

And don't even talk about the blackmail idea.

It's not only stupid, it's illegal.

Well why don't you talk to Sally and call

me back when you decide.

OK, bye.

Darling, why did you bother to come home today?

To eat with you.

You don't even know what you ate.

I do too.

The steak was delicious.

A little well done, but it was good.

They were lamb chops.

Well in that case, they were, they were perfect.

Hello, Sally hang up, Buddy's calling.

You should have stayed at the office

and had dinner with them.

Then I would have been on the phone with you.

Honey, we're trying to save a man's job.

Don't you care?

Well, of course I care.

If I'd kept my big mouth shut Mel would

still be happy in his misery.

You got any dessert?

You are it.

What was it?

Bavarian cream pie.

Oh, darn.

I love that.

Is there any more?

Darling, you had two helpings.

Oh, darn.

Why didn't you tell me?

Because you were in the middle of telling Mel that he

had nothing to worry about.

Yeah.

How could you taste anything with a lie

like that in your mouth.

He's coming in tomorrow to clean out his desk.

I don't know what to do.

Rob, I think you outta talk to Alan.

I just wish I had something to hang the defense on.

Oh, come on.

Mel must do something right.

Sure.

He gets us to get the scripts finished on time.

Well, there.

Yeah, well the only way he does it is by pestering us.

Well, the show always looks so neat.

Couldn't you credit him with that?

It looks neat because Mel's a pest, that's all.

He's an old fusspot.

If everything isn't just so then Mel

whines and he cries and drives everybody crazy,

nobody can stand it.

They do things just to get him off their back.

He's a pest.

He saves Alan money because he's a pest.

We finish the script because he's a pest.

Everything on the show gets done because he's a pest.

So what?

So what, what?

So Mel's a pest.

Boy, that's some defense.

Right.

Mel's a good producer.

A producer is a pest?

Sure.

Some do it by wheedling, some of them are dictators,

some of them are creative geniuses.

Yeah, and some are pests.

Right.

Mel's maybe the world's leading pest producer.

[music playing]

And I really believe what I said about Mel,

and if you care anything about helping him either come up

with something better or come up to Alan's office

and back me up.

Rob's right.

Now, think of some of Mel's good points.

He's only got one good point and if he wears

a hat nobody will notice it.

You know with Mel as producer we've been

left pretty much on our own.

Yeah, I guess you're right.

If he wasn't here there'd be nobody here for me to insult.

Yeah, we could get a hairy producer.

And leave me with a trunk full of baldy jokes?

Fellas, even worse, Alan could decide

to produce the show himself.

We couldn't work with Alan.

Come on. Let's go defend, Mel.

Come on, Sal.

Yeah, but I wouldn't know what to say, Rob.

You gotta do the talking, huh. - How about me?

I can say something.

No, you keep your mouth shut.

What are you gonna say?

I'm playing it by ear.

Good.

I trust your ear more than I do his mouth any day.

[music playing]

Where is it?

Marge!

Marge!

What did she do with my glue?

I like to wear it once in a while.

Marge!

What a mess.

Where does she put things?

Marge!

Marge!

Ma-- just a minute.

Where's Marge? - Oh, you're looking for Marge?

Yes, where is she?

I've been waiting for 20 minutes.

She should have been back from lunch.

I-- place has gone apart.

I don't know, Alan.

People walking in here-- what do you want?

Well, nothing.

Is it anything to do with Mel?

No, no, not exactly.

Well, yeah, we would like to talk to you.

I don't want listen to it.

- Well, now look here, Alan. - What?

What?

Now, now look here, Alan.

I just want five minutes of your time is all.

After all the years I've worked for you

I think you owe me that.

I don't owe anything to anybody.

I'll give you a bonus.

Start talking.

The watch is running.

Well, uh, I don't quite know how to say this to you, Alan.

Well, I do.

No, he doesn't.

Now what?

Well, Alan, you know, you're not

an easy man to work for, brilliant of course,

but you know, not easy.

Well, I can go along with you so far.

You're demanding.

You know, you have, you have high standards.

You just won an extra minute.

You know, you're a, you're a perfectionist.

Well, I don't say I'm perfect.

Well no, no, you have one little thing.

What, what, what little what do I have?

One of those great big hearts.

That's right, huh Rob?

Well, what?

Well, hear me out, Alan.

You're impatient.

I'm not impatient and your time is up.

Well, you, you have the impatience of genius.

Oh, go, go, go ahead. Finish your thought.

Well, you're impatient, you're impatient with,

uh, with the incompetence.

Well, why do you think I fired Mel?

You see, unlike the rest of us you have creative instinct,

Alan.

You need a, a protection from all the annoyances

of the outside world.

All I need is some way to clear away this mess.

Marge!

Marge!

Marge!

During all that time you could have been creating something.

I am creating something, an ulcer.

Where's a glass?

Where's a glass?

Where's a glass?

Here's a cup, Alan.

I don't need a cup.

There's no water.

Would Mel have left you water-less like that?

I'm wanna k*ll them. I wanna k*ll them.

Give me--

You use my handkerchief?

Never mind I'll use this.

Look at these.

Reviews from last weeks show.

They should have been pasted in that scrapbook months ago.

That's why you need Mel.

- Why because he's a drudge? - Right.

- A sniveling coward? - Right.

A brainless idiot?

Right.

So far I could have done this.

Rob, you're supposed to tell Alan

that Mel's a good producer.

Well if that's the case, then your time

is up and so is your sanity.

Alan, will you hear me out?

I'm gonna throw you out.

Look, Mel is--

I know what Mel is.

He's a sponge, a square, a brother-in-law,

a sniveling idiot, a whipping boy, a spineless jellyfish.

Yeah, you've left out one thing, pest.

And in spite of all these things,

you want me to keep him on as producer?

No because of all those things, Alan.

Those are his virtues.

Only a square would spend so many hours

checking the details.

Only a pest, only a brother-in-law

would try to watch your budget like he does.

A whipping boy?

Sure he is, but he takes a whipping for the people

you really would like to hit, and if you did they'd hit back

and you wouldn't have any show.

Yeah, Rob's right.

A couple of times there before Christmas I was fed up to here.

Boy with the way that you--

With the way I what?

Nothing.

What difference does it make anyway?

If Mel wasn't around for me to insult I'd have said something

to you and then you'd have fired me and then where would I be?

Yeah, and where would I be?

If you'd fired Buddy I'd have quit

and then where would you be?

And where would the show be?

Yeah, and look at your office.

It's a mess.

You guys make me feel like Captain Bligh.

You really want Mel back, Mr. Christian?

Yes.

So does Mr. Jewish.

You people are crazy.

Ah, come on Alan, it's Brotherhood Week.

You mean it's Brother-in-law-hood Week.

You know he had the nerve to barge in here

yesterday with a snoot full and he yelled at me, talked back.

Now who's idea was that?

Oh, that was Rob's.

Well, I guess that's it for Brotherhood Week.

You gotta give the man a chance

to talk back once in a while.

Everybody needs some respect.

That won't make me respect him.

Well, maybe not, but it'll give him

some self-respect for himself.

All right, I guess I'll let him come back to work,

but I'm only doing it for one reason.

Well, Alan, I--

Don't take any bows.

I gotta have somebody to clean up this mess.

It's been here since last night.

Look at those eggs.

Eww.

Look at my hair.

Look at that hair, will you.

It hasn't been washed and set in a week

and I've got a bar mitzvah next Thursday.

And beside that, I'm hungry.

I'd like something to eat.

Alan, none of us had anything to eat.

You haven't eaten either?

The whole world is hungry. Come on.

Try to buzz Marge.

Get on the phone and try to get Marge.

Look in the hall and scream Marge.

Will you scream? Wait a minute.

Wait a minute. Mel's here.

Mel, go get some sandwiches. What'll you have, folks?

I've come to say goodbye, Alan.

Come on, speak up.

Turkey, ham and cheese, corned beef, what?

I'll say goodbye now, Alan.

What are you gonna have, Rob?

Corned beef will be fine.

Yeah, I'll, I'll have corned beef too.

Yeah, I'll go with the crowd.

All right, corned beef for everybody

and tell him to trim off the fat.

Alan, I'm leaving.

Nobody's leaving.

We're eating in today.

Four corned beef and order yourself something.

Tell Heimy it's for me.

Don't you remember that you--

Will you stop arguing?

We've got work to do.

We'll be here all night.

Now go get the sandwiches.

Are you trying to say I'm rehired?

I'm trying to avoid saying it.

It'd make me sick.

Four corned beef sandwiches.

Now hop, hop, hop.

Alan, not so fast.

What?

There's one thing I'd like to get clear.

Yes?

Alan--

Yes?

--do you want them on white bread or rye?

Rye bread.

Corned beef on white bread?

Corned beef on white bread?

Where were you brought up?

Where did you live?

Sister's the same way she puts mayonnaise.

I can't live this way.

[music playing]

There, scripts all finished.

Now we can go to a movie.

- Just like I promised. - All right.

What do you want to see?

Anything but this office, or him.

Hiya, fellas.

Come on, don't be so friendly.

Buddy.

I'm back to hating again.

Look, even though you're still a producer

we want to go to the movies.

Mel, what happened to you?

Alan hit me.

You mean he really hit you?

Yeah, right in the eye.

Since he won't fire me anymore, he's

resorted to physical v*olence.

What are you so happy about?

I hit him back.

You didn't.

Yeah.

Smashed him right in the shoulder.

Well, what'd he say?

Ouch.

This has been my day.

I'll go to the movie with you.

Come on little fella.

[music playing]

[THEME MUSIC - EARLE HAGEN, "THE d*ck VAN d*ke SHOW THEME"]