02x26 - I'm No Henry Walden!

[bunniefuu]

[theme music]

ANNOUNCER: "The d*ck Van d*ke Show,"

Starring d*ck Van d*ke, Rose Marie, Morey Amsterdam, Larry

Mathews, and Mary Tyler Moore.

Honey, why do you keep buying me ties that won't tie for?

It's not the tie, darling.

It's the tier.

I know it.

I've got to have something to yell at.

Darn party.

Rob, why are you so nervous?

It's just a simple dinner party.

A simple-- you look like you're going to the coronation.

All right.

So it's an elegant simple dinner party.

No simple dinner party ever invites the kind of people that

are going to this dinner party.

I don't know who invited me, and I don't know why.

I do.

Mrs. Huntington invited the top writers in their fields,

and you happen to be one of the tops in yours.

Yeah, but all the guests there, honey,

are going to be serious writers.

I'm not-- you know, honey, I've been thinking.

What am I, anyway?

What are you?

You're a living American male who

I'm happy to be living with.

What do you want to be?

I don't know.

A real writer.

I-- turn around to the light.

And all I write are jokes.

Nothing I write has any real permanence about it.

Alan says it on television once and fzit, it's gone forever.

But, darling, that's writing.

I mean serious writing.

Well, you've been writing that book.

Which I'm never going to finish, no how.

Well, how about those poems you wrote to me

when you were in the army?

They were serious and beautiful.

What did you know?

You were blinded by my charm and my uniform.

You weren't that charming, darling.

And your uniform didn't fit.

Now, those were good poems.

In fact, I remember one. It was beautiful.

Honey, not now.

I'm depressed enough anyway.

It went, time tears cruelly at a last embrace,

allowing chiffon breezes depart a kiss.

A friendly sun to moist happy eyes,

resigning passion to limbo, love to thought, and beauty

to memory.

Did I write that?

You said you did.

You know something.

That's almost good.

I think it's beautiful.

I have half a mind to recite it to Henry Walden tonight.

Oh, yeah, you do that.

I--

[coughing]

Henry Walden.

What am I doing in the world going to a dinner party

for a world-renowned poet?

Now, you stop that, Rob.

You may not be able to write poetry like Mr. Walden,

but I bet he can't write a joke like you can.

Well, I'm going to feel out of place.

I'll probably be the only one there that Walden doesn't know.

I'm sure a lot of people are going to be strangers to him.

Yeah, but Walden will at least have read their books.

Or maybe he's seen your television show.

Oh, yeah, that's all poet laureates have got to do,

sit around and watch variety shows on television.

Well, darling, would you really

rather that we stayed home?

No.

Let's go ahead and go.

At least I'll prove one thing.

What's that?

That television writers marry the prettiest girls.

[music playing]

[bells ringing]

[chatter]

Robert Petrie.

Thank you.

You-- you want to duck out right now and take in a movie?

Oh, Rob.

Now, you stop that.

I don't belong here.

You do so, too, belong here.

This is probably going to be one of the best

evenings we ever spent.

You want to bet?

Oh, Mr. And Mrs-- oh, don't tell me.

Don't tell me.

It's on the tip of my tongue.

Petral, of course.

Petrie.

Oh, Mr. And Mrs. Petral, I am Mrs. Huntington, your hostess.

Come.

I want you to meet some of my very dear friends.

People, I want you to meet Mr. And Mrs. William Petral.

Petrie.

Oh, yes, you pronounce that Petrov, don't you?

This is, um-- this is Dr. Torrence Hayworth.

Uh, Dr. Hayworth, nice to meet you.

Well, now, there's no need to be formal.

Just call me Torrence.

And suppose I call you Bill.

OK, Bill?

Well, no. I'm--

Huh? What's that?

It's, uh, perfectly all right.

This is Thomas Evelyn.

How do you do?

Miss Evelyn, very nice to meet you.

Oh, now, Bill, let's not be formal.

Just call her Tom.

Oh, certainly.

Hi, Tom.

Of course, you know that Tom's, uh, first novel

is being translated this fall.

No.

No, I didn't-- I didn't know that.

Yes.

I've been-- been meaning to read it.

We-- we have it at home, don't we, honey?

Well, I-- I'm not-- uh, I think we might.

Oh!

You read French?

Why?

It's in French.

Oh, it's in-- well, it's--

c'est la meme alphabet.

[speaking french]

Uh, no.

Un petit peu, they say.

[speaking french]

Huh?

Un petit peu.

Un petit peu.

[speaking french]

Oh, now, look here.

You two can argue this out later.

I want Mr. and Mrs. Petrov to meet some of my other guests.

Come along, darlings.

Excuse me.

Uh, excuse us.

What did, uh, old Tom say to you?

I don't know what I said to old Tom.

Mr. And Mrs. William Petrov.

Petrie.

Oh.

I'll never get that straight.

Suppose I just call you, uh, Bill?

Rob.

Bill and Rob.

That's so much easier, of course.

Bill and Rob, this is Yale Sampson.

Yale is one of our budding English anti--

Existentialist.

Lovely.

Um, and this is Vonitia Fellows.

Uh, Bill and Rob Petrov.

Bill.

Rob.

Rob.

Laura.

Vonitia.

How do you do?

And I'm going to leave you two now.

And I'm sure that Yale and Mrs. Fellow will take care of you.

I-- I hope we didn't disturb your discussion.

Oh, no, not at all.

Yale just finished making a point about the state

of American culture.

Oh, did he?

I assume you're familiar with Yale's stand

on culture in our times.

Well, no.

As a matter of fact, well, I'm not.

Well, what is his stance?

[mumbles] I would say that it is my, uh, philosophy-- if you

can call it a philosophy.

Because it's not exactly a philosophy.

It is, actually-- I want to say it's my proposition.

My proposition succinctly stated that [mumbles]

the state is that there--

there is a plethora of the mundane--

a blithering mundane, which is inculcating itself and sweeping

into the [mumbles] which is naturally making it [mumbles]

which I would say definitely that this osmotic process

and a capillary infusion of the brain, which is

what I call the civilization.

You understand, the civilization--

these processes are sort of [mumbles] coming in.

And so, therefore, the osmotic process in the brain

will atrophy some day [mumbles] the brain

will be nothing more-- nothing more

than a vistage will remain.

Surely, you can see that.

Well.

I, uh-- I--

Well, you certainly couldn't disagree.

No, I-- I don't disagree with that, uh, except maybe

on a couple of points there.

Huh?

Which ones are those, Bill?

Rob.

Yes, I know.

I've met your lovely wife.

What do you think, Rob?

Well, I-- I've always felt that people are individual.

That's absolutely true, Rob, darling.

But it is as individuals that these osmotic processes

are most subtly deleterious.

They cut away at the fully [mumbles] life, which we don't

understand because [mumbles] collectively

connecting the [inaudible] because individually we

are powerful.

[inaudible],, collectively, usability, quotability,

[inaudible] penetrability, ostentatious, ostentation, in

general, et cetera, et cetera.

And [mumbles] Surely, you can see the danger.

Well.

Um.

Not as clearly as-- as you do, uh, Mr. Harvard.

Yale.

Yale.

I-- I do see a, uh, danger.

Yes.

What can one man do?

Yes, or one woman?

We can spread the word.

Uh, wh-- what--

what word is that?

Verisimilitude.

Veri-- verisimilitude.

That's a good word to spread.

To spread, sir?

To stamp out.

Well, uh, that's what I meant.

You spread it and stamp it out.

Honey, how about we have some punch?

Bill.

Bill, I need Yale.

I know you won't mind if I steal him from you?

Oh, no, by all means, steal him.

Well, that group over there is absolutely

desperate to know what his opinion

is about the early works of--

Vish-- Uh--

Hemingway.

Hemingway, yes, certainly.

Oh, Torrence is just being an absolute tyrant

on his position.

Hasn't he a marvelous mind?

Marvelous.

He has the gift and the ability

to say things that, uh--

uh--

[stuttering]

Seems vague, but are, in reality, meaningless.

Uh, yes.

Uh.

About your book, Mr. Petrov.

That's Petrie.

P-E-T-R-I-E. No L. What-- what book?

Well, your book.

"The Town Crier Weeps No More."

- Uh, my book? - Yes.

Didn't you write it?

I didn't even read it.

I'm sorry.

I'm-- I'm Robert Petrie.

Robert Petrie, uh--

I don't believe I'm familiar with your works.

Oh, I, uh, write for, uh, television.

Television?

My husband is the head writer for "The Alan Brady Show."

I'm not familiar with Mr. Brody's program.

Uh, no, that's--

Honey, listen, never mind.

Well, it's one of the best musical variety shows--

I'm sure it is, darling.

But you see, I don't own a television machine.

If you will excuse me, won't you?

Certainly.

[sighing]

You still, uh, think we belong here, Rob?

[music playing]

Attention.

Attention, everyone.

Now, if you'll all, please, take your seats.

Take your seats, and we'll get down to business.

All right.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Now, is there anyone here who does not know

why he or she has been invited?

It is not our plan to raise the full quarter

of a million dollars tonight.

That's why we were invited.

We do have the feeling that the first contributions

to the Henry Walden Literary Foundation

should come from the esteemed members of his own profession.

[applause]

Now, as you know, all the money raised

are to be used to sponsor young literary talent.

So, who's going to start this ball rolling?

Yale.

I would like to contribute my first year's

royalties from my new book, "Death Fears Me."

[applause]

Thank you, Mr. Sampson.

That's a wonderful beginning for our foundation.

Thank you. Now, let's see.

Who else?

Oh, almost everyone.

So, let's say we begin with, um, Mr. H Fieldstone Thorley.

Yes, H?

Yes.

I'd like to contribute two years of royalties

from my last book of poems.

Oh.

[applause]

Oh, now, H, which book of poems was that?

Uh, "Lavender Lollipops" or "Point Me to the Moon"?

"Lavender Lollipops."

[applause]

"Lavender Lollipops."

Thank you.

Thank you.

Oh, Tom, your hand is up.

Oui.

I wish to contribute six months royalty from my next book,

"I Love to Love to Love to Love."

Six months royalty to "I Love to Love to Love."

To love.

One more.

Uh, thank you.

What do you wish to contribute, Doctor?

Well, I should like to contribute all of the royalties

to my book, "You and Your Gallbladder."

[applause]

Oh, all the royalties to "Me and My Gallbladder."

That's "You and Your Gallbladder."

Thank you, Doctor.

Mr. Petrov, I believe your hand was up.

Oh, was it?

Oh.

I was just scratching my head.

- Oh! - Oh.

I'll-- I'll give something.

What do you want us to put you down for?

Well, I-- I've never written a book, so I--

I can't hear you.

Speak up, Bill. - Rob.

Yes, I know. I've met her.

Hello, darling.

I said, I've-- I've never written a book, so I

can't contribute any royalties.

Oh.

Well, I-- I do get, uh, paid for my, uh-- my writing.

Uh, what-- would it be all right if--

if I gave, uh, change--

check-- cash?

Oh, well, that's splendid.

How much should we put you down for?

Uh, what-- whatever everybody else, uh-- well, I--

I-- I can, uh--

uh, I have a--

I have a blank check.

A blank check-- oh!

[applause]

Well, I-- I was--

Oh, that's so--

now, be assured we shant take advantage of your generosity,

dear.

Oh, no, you see,

[interposing voices]

Thank you.

Thank you very much.

William Petrov, that's who they thought I was.

They thought I wrote "The Town Crier Weeps No More."

Oh, boy, am I so glad that we sneaked out of there.

We sneaked out of there so early,

darling, we didn't even get a chance to meet Henry Walden.

Neither did William Petrov.

They sent me his invitation by mistake.

I should have signed his name to that check.

Why didn't you just offer $ or $ ?

Because everybody was contributing royalties.

Who knows how much that is?

Well, I'll tell you one thing, darling.

A year's royalties on "Lavender Lollipops" couldn't amount

to more than $ . .

Why did you offer them a blank check?

What do you mean?

You saw what happened.

I offered that blank check and that patron of the arts

talked me into keeping it that way.

Honey, the next time we are invited to a literary dinner

party, will you please say to me, let's stay home and can

some plums?

Oh, boy, how stupid of me.

A blank check.

Oh, darling, it's all over and done with.

Oh, no, it isn't.

They're going to fill that check out

for any amount they want to.

How much do you think they'll fill in?

Honey, you heard Mrs. Huntington,

they're going to raise a quarter of a million dollars.

So?

So, those are rich people there.

They could fill it out for , bucks and not bat one eyelid.

Oh, well, it doesn't really matter.

It doesn't really matter?

What do you mean, it doesn't really matter?

All we have in our checking account is $ .

?

That's impossible.

The last time I looked, we had $ , in there.

Darling, we haven't had $ , in our account for months.

What happened?

$ , worth of mortgage, food, taxes, sickness, charity,

clothing, new golf clubs, that new dress, reweaving

a hole in your tweed jacket.

OK, OK.

So, you see, no matter what Mrs. Huntington fills in,

all she'll get is $ .

Yeah.

Uh, $ .

$ ?

What happened?

You bought that.

They don't allow you on Park Avenue in a rented tux.

What about our savings account, honey?

Oh, Rob, you're not going to touch that?

Well, why not?

Well, because if you withdraw money now,

we'll lose our interest.

If that check bounces, I lose my reputation.

Oh, darling, there must be another way.

Sure, there is another way.

You call up Mrs. Huntington and tell him that your husband's

a big phony.

You are not a phony.

Oh, no?

Then why did I let myself be invited to a party

that I had no business going to?

William Petrov probably stayed home crying

because he wasn't invited.

[sighing]

Darling, the invitation was addressed to Robert Petrie.

They wanted you there.

Sure, they wanted me there.

They didn't want me there.

They wanted my money there.

Darling, why don't you go to sleep?

You can finish b*ating yourself in the morning.

OK, OK.

I will.

I would love to know who sent me that invitation

in the first place.

That big mush-mouth with the beard-- he

belonged there, all right.

Verisimilitude.

I don't own a television machine.

Vulnerability, accessibility, flamboyance, slob, ad nauseam,

ad infinitum, administration, et cetera, et cetera, et cetera.

Rob.

All right, all right.

I'm going to sleep.

Darling?

You forgot this.

Look at that!

Oh, I'm going to tell you one thing.

That's the last time that I am ever going to go

to a literary [inaudible].

Oh, my gosh.

Rob, you really didn't give them a blank check, did you?

Yes, I did.

A blank rubber one.

You mean, you don't donated a check that's going to bounce?

If they fill in any amount over $ .

[vocalizing] Boing.

Rob!

Rob!

Oh, I'm so glad you're here.

What is it, Mel?

Do you know who's in my office right this minute?

John Phillip Sousa and his all girl band?

Wait a minute, buddy.

Who's in there?

Henry Walden.

Henry Walden is here in this office?

[gasping]

Uh, Mel, is Mr. Walden here to see you or me?

He's here with a Mrs. Huntington,

and they want to talk to you.

Uh, how-- how did they seem, Mel?

Oh, fine, fine.

Now, uh, I'm going to bring them in here.

And I hope that none of us does anything

that would reflect on the show.

Oh, my. Am I reflecting?

I must powder my nose.

Why don't you powder your head?

Yuck.

Oh, boy.

Boy, I know why they're here.

Yeah, probably something to do with that blank check.

Boy, I'd give anything to know who sent me that invitation.

Oh, right this way, folks.

This is the writers' office.

Uh, thank you.

Uh, Rob, I'll leave the introductions to you.

Well, so nice to see you again, Mr. Petrov.

Yes.

Nice to see you again, Mrs. Huntington.

Hello.

How do you do?

I'm Henry Walden.

Sir, it's an honor to meet you.

Oh?

Because of my age or my poetry?

Well, both.

Good.

I was so sorry we didn't get to meet last night.

Yeah, so was I. Now, Mrs. Huntington,

I would like you to say hello to Robert Petrie.

Well, but I just said--

No, no.

You said hello to a Mr. Petrov.

You keep confusing a first rate television writer

with a third rate novelist.

Petrie, my dear.

Petrie.

I am so sorry, Mr. Petrie.

It's perfectly all right, Mrs. Huntington.

Won't you sit down?

Thank you.

Well, Mr. Walden, I can't tell you what an honor it

is to have you in this office.

I'd like you both to meet my writing staff.

This is--

Yes, that's Sally Rogers and Buddy Sorrell.

I enjoy your work immensely.

You enjoy our work?

Yes, I have for years.

Wait a minute.

Are you a poet or a politician?

Politician, eh? All right.

Let's see.

Buddy Sorrell, before Alan Brady,

you wrote for "The Billy Barrow Show."

And before that, in early television,

you were the very fine emcee for an absolutely terrible program

called "Buddy's Band."

[laughter]

Oh, wow, memory.

And Sally Rogers, you were on the staff

of "The Milton Berle Show."

And before that--

Oh, before that, I was a pompom

girl at Herbert Hoover High.

Onward, onward.

[laughter]

If, um-- if I may interrupt, could we come

to the purpose of this meeting?

Oh, yes.

She wants to talk to you about that blank check of yours.

My blank check.

Isn't that funny?

I just remembered.

I have to go home and wash my cat.

You washed your cat last night.

So I'll iron him.

About this check--

Oh, the, uh, check--

Yes, the one she railroaded you into giving her last night.

Railroaded?

Railroaded, hornswoggled, bamboozled.

You name it, she did it.

Didn't you want us to have a blank check?

Never.

Uh, I mean, I had a blank check, but I was--

I was planning on filling in an amount.

Oh.

Oh, I'm so sorry.

Oh, I'm so embarrassed.

I didn't mean to-- to railroad you.

Oh, I do apologize, Mr. Petrov.

Petrie.

I'm sorry.

Couldn't I just call you Bill?

Why don't you just call me Rob?

Oh, I apologize, Bob.

That's Rob.

Rob Petrov.

Petrie!

Now, you see, Henry?

No one can say that name.

Well, the important thing is to know how

much you want us to fill in.

Oh, uh, well--

Well, now, I'll tell you.

I'll put down a one.

And you tell us how many, uh, zeros to put after it.

Well, uh, uh, put down, uh, one.

One?

For a start.

Oh, nothing of the kind.

No zeros.

Oh, well, $ is hardly enough, Mr. Walden.

I could do a lot more than that.

Yes, well, that's what I wanted you to say.

You did?

Yes.

Why do you think I had them invite you to that shindig?

You had them invite me?

Well, of course.

Mrs. Huntington and her committee

never even heard of you.

Well, I'm just so poor at names.

No, not poor.

Miserable.

Well, Mr. Walden, why did you have them invite me?

Well, I wanted to get you to collaborate with me.

Sit down, my boy.

Sit down.

- Collaborate with you? - Yeah.

On what?

Well, some misguided television executive

thought that I would be the perfect personality

to host and write a program on the history of American humor

from the revolution to now.

And you want me to write it with you?

For free.

You mean, we'd be writing together?

Like, we'd be writing partners?

Yeah.

Will you do it?

Well, uh, why me?

Well, because you know humor.

You know television.

And you're a good writer.

Thank you very much, but I know very little about the, uh,

early history of American humor.

Don't look at me.

I don't even know the name of Paul Revere's horse.

Chicken, son of Flica.

[laughter]

Well, don't you worry about early American humor

because I know all about it.

Oh, you do?

Oh, yes.

I was there when it all started.

[laughter]

What was the big punch line during the American Revolution?

Let George do it.

Come on, Mrs. Barrington.

Huntington.

Oh, yes. Huntington.

Come on.

Let's get out of here and let these people get back to work.

Goodbye, everybody.

And write a good show because I'll be watching.

Oh, yes.

I will, too.

Don't believe her.

She never watches television.

Do you?

Well, I don't have very much time.

I'm a pretty busy bee, you know.

Bye-bye.

SALLY: Goodbye.

She's an intellectual snob.

That's what she is.

But I forgive her.

She's got a good heart and great legs.

[laughter]

HENRY WALDEN (ON TELEVISION): I hope, dear viewers,

that we leave you in as good a mood

as when we said good evening.

Now, good night.

[applause]

Whoa, don't you touch that.

Well, it's over, isn't it?

Not quite.

The author's credits, if you don't mind.

Directed by Jason James.

Written by Henry Walden and Robert Petrie.

Now, you may turn it off.

[applause]

[music playing]