02x28 - Divorce

[bunniefuu]

[theme song]

NARRATOR: "The d*ck Van d*ke Show" Starring d*ck Van d*ke,

Rose Marie, Morey Amsterdam, Larry

Matthews, and Mary Tyler Moore.

DEFENSE ATTORNEY (ON TV): Mr. Thompson, I am merely

asking that you tell us whether or not

you saw the defendant leave the building

on the night in question.

MR. THOMPSON (ON TV): Well, I'm not % sure.

You watch him go after him now.

He's the m*rder*r.

Oh, Rob, don't spoil it for me.

DEFENSE ATTORNEY (ON TV): Well, would you say you are % sure?

MR. THOMPSON (ON TV): I--

I don't know.

DEFENSE ATTORNEY (ON TV): %?

?

? ?

%

MR. THOMPSON (ON TV): I--

I don't know how many percent.

DEFENSE ATTORNEY (ON TV): May I remind

you, Mr Thompson, that the defendant

is on trial for his life.

% of it.

[audience murmurs on tv]

[phone ringing] [judge bangs gavel on tv]

Rob, would you get it, please? I don't want to miss this.

DEFENSE ATTORNEY (ON TV): Mr. Thompson, just a few moments

ago, you stated that Theodore Hendrix

was a client of your fathers. - Hello?

DEFENSE ATTORNEY (ON TV): Is that correct?

Who?

MR. THOMPSON (ON TV): Yes, it is.

Honey, will you turn the set down?

DEFENSE ATTORNEY (ON TV): Is it also

true that Theodore Hendrix, besides being a client--

Wait, just a second.

DEFENSE ATTORNEY (ON TV): --also married

to your first wife's sister?

Thanks.

Hello.

Oh, hi, Buddy, what's new?

DEFENSE ATTORNEY (ON TV): Was a member of the Exchange

Commission that held-- - What?

Ssh.

Oh, I don't believe it.

What are you kidding me?

DEFENSE ATTORNEY (ON TV): --the night in question.

Yeah, you do sound serious.

Buddy, where are you right now?

Look, Buddy, why don't you come out here?

Before you do anything foolish, why--

just Laura and I.

Rob, what is it?

Honey.

Buddy, I've got my bathrobe on.

Why don't you-- all right, all right.

Just calm down.

Now where are you?

A bar.

Buddy, what are you doing at a bar?

You don't drink.

All right, all right.

east, OK.

Now just take it easy, will you Buddy?

Well, about minutes.

Take it easy.

All right, bye.

Rob, what is it?

Oh, god that's incredible. I don't believe it.

- Rob, what? - Honey, please.

Rob, you're not going anywhere until you

tell me what's incredible and what you don't believe.

Laura, Buddy left his wife.

He's going to get a divorce.

I don't believe it.

Buddy left Pickles!

[music playing]

- Some guys took-- - Hello, beg your pardon.

Oh, yes, sir.

What'll it be?

Nothing to drink.

Oh, we don't serve any food.

Oh, don't you?

We used to, but nobody ever asked for any.

If I had a nickel for all the spoiled tuna fish I threw away,

I could be another Bernard Farrukh.

That's a shame.

Look, my name's Rob Petrie.

Oh, my name is Steve Longfellow.

Like the poet.

How are you?

Glad to see you. - Fine, thanks.

Look, I'll tell you what I'll do.

I had a big lunch.

I left the cheese sandwich over.

I'll let you have it just as an accommodation.

Don't worry about it.

Won't charge you nothing for it.

That's very, very nice of you.

It's my pleasure.

It's on the house.

Yes, thank you very much.

Was there a man here looking for me?

What did he look like?

Well, short, dark.

Short, dark.

Yeah, there was a short, dark guy.

He was sitting right over there for about an hour all

by himself drinking tomato juice,

and saying things like, oh, boy.

Oh, boy. Oh, boy.

That's him all right.

Where is he now?

I don't know.

All of a sudden, he got up and ran out of here.

Well, do you think he'll be back?

I hope so.

He ain't paid me for the tomato juice.

Anyway, that's his coat hanging up over there.

Oh, good.

Look, I'll-- I'll just sit over here and wait for him.

Is it all right with you? - Fine, sit.

Hey, you forgot your cheese sandwich.

Oh.

BARTENDER: And I'll tell you what I'll do.

That's kind of dry, you know what I mean?

Mhm.

It's liable to be a little dry.

I'll give you something to wash it down.

A little-- a little-- water.

Oh, thank you very much.

Oh!

Oh.

Oh, I'm-- terribly sorry.

This is a brand new dress.

Oh, I didn't see where I was going there.

Here, I haven't got a cloth.

I'm sorry.

Just wait, wait, wait.

Hold on.

Wait a minute, wait a minute.

Wait, my cufflink's caught in your--

if anybody saw us, and came in, and-- oh!

Somebody saw us.

Let's go, Sheila.

Goodbye, Sheila.

That was so unfair.

Isn't that your friend coming in?

Oh, yeah.

Buddy, where have you been?

Oh, Rob, I'm sorry.

I went back to the apartment.

Do you think I to leave my cello in the same house with that--

Whoa, Buddy.

Buddy, calm down.

Try to pull yourself together.

Bartender, two tomato juices, please.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, plenty of Tabasco, lemon, and pepper

in mine. Boy oh boy.

You never know.

You never know, boy.

Buddy, what happened?

What happened? What happened?

You want to know what happened?

I'll tell you what happened.

She's no good, that's what happened.

Buddy, you're not making any sense.

I'm making plenty of sense.

Come on, where's that--

where's the tomato juice?

Yes, it's coming right up.

Buddy, Buddy, will you just calm

down please, and tell me what happened.

BUDDY: Where's my tomato juice?

Coming.

Buddy, for heaven's sakes, what did she do?

You want to know what she did?

She's no good.

That's what she did.

Buddy, I think you're exaggerating.

I'm not exaggerating.

Where's that tomato juice?

BARTENDER: Coming right up.

I'll be right back.

This guys' the biggest crab in the world.

I don't know.

Where's that tomato juice?

BARTENDER: Coming right up.

Here's your tomato juice, sir.

Right here.

Here you are.

Just a minute.

And leave that peppermill here.

But I put plenty of pepper--

Leave it, buddy.

Bartender, leave it. I'll watch him.

Yeah.

Buddy, look, you asked me to come down here, and help you.

Now I cannot help you if you don't tell

me what the problem is.

I told you what the problem is on the phone.

You said you wanted a divorce.

- Yeah, yeah. - Why?

Why?

Because she's a lying, cheating, thieving, conniving--

Oh, Buddy come on.

I know your wife pretty well.

You never know them until you get married to them.

You've had just about enough.

Oh.

You'll ruin your stomach.

So what?

She ruined my life, that Jezebel.

Jezebel?

Yeah, Jezebel, and Marie Antoinette, and Lizzie

Borden, and Captain Bligh, and all the--

What did she do?

What did she do?

You know what she did, huh?

I'll tell you what she did.

All right, you want to know? Here.

Here's what she did.

There.

What am I looking at?

You're looking at a bunch of canceled checks

all made out to the same guy.

Floyd B. Bariscale.

Yeah.

Who's Floyd B. Bariscale?

That's the reason I'm suing for divorce.

Floyd B. Bariscale.

Yeah. - You mean?

Yeah, yeah.

My wife, and pretty boy Floyd.

Oh, my gosh.

[music playing]

[tv static]

Rob?

Hi, honey.

Why aren't you in bed?

I was waiting up for you.

What time is it?

Oh, : , you should have waited in bed.

Oh, well, I couldn't sleep.

I keep thinking about Buddy.

Well, what was it, darling?

Was it a false alarm?

No, it was the real thing.

It was a six alarmer, out of control, and burning furiously.

You mean Buddy's serious?

Serious?

Honey, I sat there with him for five hours.

There was a bald bartender, he didn't make one cr*ck.

Aw, fine.

You should have seen that poor, little guy.

All broken up.

I took him to a hotel so he could get some sleep.

Rob, what's this all about?

What happened?

I'll tell you what happened.

Pickles is no good, that's what happened.

Pickles?

What did she do?

Honey, there are many ways you can put it,

but let's just say she's been taking Buddy for a ride.

You mean another man?

That's right.

Unless her uncle's name is Floyd B. Bariscale.

Floyd B. Bariscale?

Who's he?

The sticky point on an obtuse triangle.

Grounds for divorce.

I don't believe it.

Well, Buddy has got a whole fistful

of canceled checks to the name of Floyd B. Bariscale.

Rob, it just doesn't make any sense.

I mean, we were with them last night,

and Buddy was insulting Pickles, and she

was screaming, and yelling at him,

and everything was perfectly normal.

That's right.

Well, things aren't perfectly normal today because Buddy

asked me to get him a lawyer.

Oh, Rob, you didn't.

Yeah, I recommended our neighbor, Arthur Calloway.

Oh, Rob, why?

Because honey, Buddy is serious.

No, why didn't you make me my cousin Johnny?

He's every bit as good a--

what am I saying?

Well, anyway, I'm sure they're not ready for lawyers.

Honey, according to Buddy, they should

have had a lawyer years ago.

He told me some things that would have curled your hair.

Pickles is no good.

Buddy's doing the right thing.

You sounds so bloodthirsty, Rob.

It's not like you.

Oh, honey, what she did to that poor schnook.

Well, I'll just never believe that all the things

you say about Pickles is true.

-

Honey, you weren't there with Buddy.

She's a deceitful, dishonest woman, and Buddy is right.

I agree with him.

I hope you didn't agree with him out loud.

Well, why shouldn't I?

It's true.

You said to Buddy that his wife

was deceitful and dishonest?

Well, you should have heard his description of her.

Darling, he can say all the nasty things

he wants to about her.

She's his wife.

Are you defending her?

Look, Rob, I once held a sobbing friend's hand,

and just to make her feel better,

I agreed with her that her husband was a bore, and a wolf,

and he was.

But she made up with him, and she never spoke to me again.

Well, Buddy--

Buddy'll never go back to Pickles.

I'm sure of that.

No, never.

No, he never.

[music playing]

[telephone rings]

Hello?

Oh, hi, Laura.

Listen, I'm sorry to be calling you at this hour,

but I just got a hysterical phone call from Pickles.

Would you or Rob know where he might be?

Who's that?

Well, yeah, Rob was with Buddy about an hour ago.

Just a minute, I'll put him on.

Sally.

Pickles is trying to locate Buddy.

Oh, hi, Sal. What is it?

Hi Rob. Where's Buddy?

ROB (ON PHONE): Well, he's in a hotel.

Why?

Well, what's he doing at a hotel?

Sal, didn't Pickles tell you?

Well, all she said was

[imitates sobbing]

and all I could make out of that was

that they had a little spat.

A little spat?

Didn't Pickles tell you about the divorce.

What divorce?

ROB (ON PHONE): Buddy and Pickles.

Didn't she tell you?

Well, no she was too hysterical to talk.

All she kept saying is "where is he?"

"Why doesn't he call?"

"What's happened to him?"

Gee, she sure didn't sound like somebody who

wanted to divorce her husband.

Well, Sal, if she wants to call him,

I have the telephone number at the hotel.

Well, look, Rob, why don't you call her, and give it to her?

At least you can tell her you saw him alive.

I think you better call her, Rob.

Well, all right. I'll call her.

I shouldn't though after what she did him.

Oh, Rob.

SALLY (ON PHONE): What did she do?

Buddy found out that Pickles is leading a double life.

Oh, well, so long, Rob.

ROB (ON PHONE): So long.

Double life!

Who are you calling?

Buddy.

I'd like to speak to Buddy Sorrell, please.

If he wants to make up with his wife, let him call her.

[phone rings]

Hello?

Buddy?

Hello? ROB (ON PHONE) Buddy?

Yeah.

ROB (ON PHONE): This is Rob.

Yeah.

You woke me up.

I what-- Buddy, you got this whole city jumping.

You're complaining because I woke you up?

[mumbles]

Hey, Buddy, what's the matter with you?

You all right?

Sleeping pills.

He took sleeping pills.

- Oh, Rob. - Buddy!

BUDDY (ON PHONE): Yeah?

Buddy, listen to me.

How many did you take?

Not enough.

Buddy, Buddy, listen.

Listen, get out of bed.

Leave me alone, will you?

Buddy, get out of bed.

Run, jump around, Buddy.

Buddy, look, drink milk.

No, drink coffee.

Get coffee.

Buddy?

Buddy, listen to me. - Huh?

Huh?

ROB (ON PHONE): Listen, what kind of pills did you take?

Blue.

Buddy, not what color.

What kind?

I don't know.

Dozy Doodles.

He took Dozy Doodles.

Rob, you can get Dozy Doodles without a prescription.

They can't do him any harm.

Oh, yeah.

Buddy, listen.

BUDDY (ON PHONE): Yeah.

Sally just called me.

Your wife is going out of her mind.

Will you please call her?

No, I ain't going to call her. You call her, bub.

Anybody can call her.

Not me, I'm not going to call her, boy.

Why there's a lot of things happen I didn't

tell you about in that bar.

[BUDDY SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY ON PHONE]

What?

Who?

Barton Nelson?

No, Buddy, I didn't know that.

All right, Buddy.

You wait until the morning.

I'll get you a lawyer first thing in the morning.

Now right now, I want you to go back to bed,

and don't take any more Dozy Doodles.

What?

Yes, you can have a cupcake.

Just go to sleep.

I'll see you in the morning.

Goodbye.

Who's Barton Nelson?

Honey, did you know that Pickles was married before?

Before she married Buddy?

That's right.

She was Mrs. Barton Nelson.

Well, how come we never knew anything about it?

Because she probably never even told Buddy.

That's why.

Do you call that deception?

Well, I'll have to know Pickle's side of all this.

Rob, why don't you call her, and tell her to--

Call Pickles? Me?

Honey, no, ma'am. I am a gentleman.

I wouldn't care to hear what I have to say to Pickles.

[phone rings]

Hello?

[pickles crying on phone]

Hi, Pickles.

[pickles crying on phone]

Look, Pickles, why don't you--

[pickles crying on phone]

Hello, Pickles?

[pickles crying on phone]

Pickles, now dear, try to control yourself.

Is there anything I can do for you?

[pickles crying on phone]

Yes, dear, I can do that.

Of course I can.

She wants to talk to you.

Hi, Pickles.

[pickles crying on phone]

Well, Pickles, now I don't know.

He's at a hotel.

Well, he told me a lot of things, Pickles.

[pickles crying on phone]

Well, he-- he asked me to recommend a lawyer.

[pickles crying on phone]

Pickles, please don't-- she's blubbering again.

She wants to blubber to you.

Pickles, will you try and control yourself?

[pickles crying on phone]

Listen Pickles, look, why don't you call Buddy, and tell him?

Tell him the absolute truth.

What, no-- why do you want to tell me?

Why don't you tell your own husband?

[pickles crying on phone]

Oh, all right, Pickles.

Look, I'll-- I'll get there as soon as I can.

If you just call Buddy and talk to him--

but if you just talk--

but if-- but if--

but if-- Pickles!

Pickles, please I'm in my bathrobe, Pickles!

[pickles crying on phone]

All right, just take it easy, Pickles.

About a half an hour.

And right now, I want you to take it easy.

Goodbye.

Oh, Rob, you're not going downtown again.

I have to.

My best friend's rotten wife wants to tell me

her side of the story.

Why doesn't she just tell it to Buddy?

Because she was going to try to enlist

me as an ally against Buddy.

Can she?

Honey, Buddy is my best friend,

and she is the one that drove him to Dozy Doodles.

Rob, you got your slippers on.

Well, I certainly hope so.

But you feet will freeze without socks.

I got gloves.

[tv static]

[sighs]

[music playing]

[doorbell rings]

Oh, Rob.

Let me take your coat.

That's a nice sport shirt.

Rob, it was so good of you to come all

the way down from Mount Vernon.

That's New Rochelle.

Oh, yeah, I always get those small towns mixed.

Laura?

Just fine, Pickles.

How's Ritchie?

Fine.

Such a lovely family.

Rob, why don't you sit down?

Thanks.

Rob, how much did Buddy tell you?

Well, enough, Pickles.

I think I ought to tell you that I think Buddy

was dealt a pretty bad hand.

Was he playing cards with you tonight?

Did-- did he tell you about the checks to Floyd Bariscale?

Yes, he did.

Did he tell you anything else?

Yes, he did, Pickles.

He told me that you were married before.

Did he tell you that?

Well, yes he did.

Is it true?

Yes, but he promised he'd never tell anybody.

When?

When did he promise that?

Before we were married.

Before you got--

you mean that Buddy's always known

about your first marriage?

Oh, of course.

Well, this was to Barton Nelson?

Yes.

Before we became engaged, Buddy helped me

tear up all of Bart's pictures.

Oh?

Yeah, I-- I married Bart when I was .

I was on tour with his show, and he was a professor,

and very, very smart.

Even so, we were very incompatible.

In other words, Buddy has always

known about Barton Nelson?

Yes!

But I'll bet he didn't know about Floyd

B. Bariscale, did he now?

Well, not really.

What do you mean "not really?"

Well, all he really knew was I was sending him money.

So you admit that you've been sending him money?

Rob, I had to.

Had to?

Well, if I didn't he would have

told Buddy and Buddy's mother that I'd once

been married to a jailbird.

I mean, it's bad enough as it is.

She's against me.

I mean, with a name like Pickles.

I mean, who wants a daughter-in-law who

was once married to a jailbird?

I wouldn't want my child married to a jailbird.

Would you like it if Ritchie was married to a jailbird?

Would you?

No, no Pickles.

Look, Pickles, I'm a little confused.

I don't see what you're confused about!

I just simply didn't want Buddy to know that my first husband

was sent to jail for forgery.

Wait a minute.

Wait a minute.

Are we talking about Barton Nelson?

Yeah.

Well, I thought we were talking

about Floyd B. Bariscale.

Well, they are.

They're both my first husband.

Pickles, how can you have two first husbands?

I didn't.

Floyd Bariscale is Barton Nelson.

He changed his name when he got out of jail.

Well, you mean that Bariscale and Nelson are the same guy?

Yes.

Well, what was he in jail for Pickles.

Barton Nelson was a great forger.

A forger?

Pickles, I thought that you just told me that he's a professor.

I thought he was when I married him.

You believe it?

He had gray at the temples, and he spoke so nice and clear.

And he had-- he had this diploma.

It's a real diploma from Harvard.

That he forged.

Ah!

Ah, ah!

So-- so--

so-- so Pickles, you were paying him money so that he wouldn't

tell Buddy he was a jailbird?

Oh, what did I do?

I mean, wouldn't you be upset if Laura was married to a forger?

Rob?

What should I do?

Pickles, look, why don't you just tell Buddy the truth?

Oh, he'll hate me.

Pickles, right now, he's talking about a divorce.

From who?

From me?

Why, just because I sent that money?

Pickles, it's not the money.

Well, what is it then?

Pickles, Buddy thought that you and Floyd were--

Were what?

Well, you know.

Oh!

Oh, boy.

Oh, he didn't think that.

Not after all I've done for him, Rob.

I've been a good wife.

You know I've been a good wife.

Pickles.

I would never do a thing. Rob!

What?

You know-- you know that I--

I would--

[thunk]

Poor Pickles.

What she must have gone through keeping that locked

inside her all these years.

Well, I'm glad they're back together again.

Oh, darling, one more thing.

When Buddy came in, how'd he react to you?

Well, I mean, you did say all those awful things

about his wife.

He didn't punch you in the nose, did he?

Oh, no.

No, he gave me a sh*t in the eye.

You're kidding.

Oh, he belted me a beaut.

LAURA (ON PHONE): Oh, Rob.

Yeah, but not because of the horrible things

I said about Pickles.

LAURA (ON PHONE): Well, why then?

Well, when he came home to get his dog,

he thought that I was Floyd Bariscale having

a tete e tete with Pickles.

Before I could even say, hi, Buddy,

he gave me a very sneaky right cross.

Pow.

Did it hurt?

Honey, what makes you think that a short,

bare-fisted punch delivered by an enraged

husband at point blank range to a naked

eye would hurt a fellow any?

Honey, just turned down my bed.

Prepare to tuck me in.

Saving marriages is exhausting.

Bye.

Rob, how you feel?

Buddy, I must say that was a very well aimed punch.

What well aimed?

I was trying to hit Pickles.

Could you hurry up with that raw steak for my eye?

It's blowing up like a balloon.

Yeah, Pickles-- Pickles, where's that steak for his eye?

Where are you-- Pickles--

PICKLES: I'm coming, I'm coming. - Where were you?

What's taking you so long.

Well, the steak was frozen stiff,

so I didn't want to take the time to defrost it.

I made a few cold cuts.

Well, I guess I'll take the corned beef.

It's leaner.

[music playing]

You know, looking at this reminds me

of one of my favorite children's stories.

What one's that?

BOTH: "Black Beauty."

Kind of dashing though, isn't it?

LAURA: Yeah, like were dashed against a wall.

Does it hurt?

Oh, I don't know.

If you weight the pain against the results,

I guess it was worth it.

I got a black eye, but Buddy and Pickles got each other.

only guy who didn't get anything is Floyd B. Bariscale.

He's not going to get any more checks out of that.

[doorbell rings]

I'll get it, honey.

Yes, sir.

FLOYD B. BARISCALE: You Robert Petrie?

Yes, sir.

FLOYD B. BARISCALE: I got something for you.

Oh, what?

FLOYD B. BARISCALE: My name is Floyd B. Bariscale.

[whack]

Bye, Floyd.

Honey, if any more of our friends want to get a divorce,

let them.

[music playing]

[theme song]