02x31 - Jilting the Jilter

[bunniefuu]

[theme music]

ANNOUNCER: "The d*ck Van d*ke Show,"

Starring d*ck Van d*ke, Rose Marie, Morey Amsterdam, Larry

Mathews, and Mary Tyler Moore.

[music playing]

[metal clinking]

I'm up.

I'm up.

[laughs]

Good morning, Tarzan.

Morning, Cheetah.

Did you stay here all night or something?

I woke up this morning and my wife was baking biscuits.

So I ran out of the house like a thief.

You ran out of the house?

Only thing I can't stand in the morning as my wife's

blueberry cement biscuits.

Hey.

What did you guys to last night?

Oh, we took Sally out to dinner last night.

Guess who we ran into?

A waiter with a bag of soup.

That's pretty close, all right.

Do you remember Freddy White?

That deadbeat?

What's he doing now?

Still playing cockamamy little nightclubs around the country.

Boy, that's all he deserves.

He's the worst, that guy.

You know, I wrote some songs for him a couple of years ago.

Never paid me.

Sees you, he runs across the street.

That's right. He stuck me, too.

I wrote a monologue for him once.

I never got a nickel.

What was he doing last night, trying to finagle

you into writing a new act?

No.

All he got from me was dessert, a cup of coffee, two drinks.

However, he did make a big play for our gal Sal.

- Came on strong? - Oh, boy.

He was whispering so many compliments in her ear

I thought her earrings were going to melt.

[laughs] Boy, I bet Sal took him apart.

No, she didn't.

But I think she's going to take me apart.

Why?

Because Laura and I let Freddy take her home.

I bet she's still steaming.

You think she's sore?

Good morning, gentlemen.

Morning, Sal.

Hello.

Aw, you didn't have to sit down for me.

Ooh, Rob, I love you!

Hmm.

ROB: It's obvious that you've forgiven me.

Forgive you for what?

For not taking your home last night.

Rob, I want to thank you for introducing me

to the sweetest, most honest guy I've ever met.

I thought you told me you introduced her to Freddy White.

I did.

You mean, you like that guy?

Liked him?

Listen, he's replacing Herman Glimscher

as my number one fella.

Come on.

You're joshing.

I'm going to give Herman back to his mother.

I've always felt a little guilty about breaking up that set.

Sally, you can't be serious.

Oh, Rob, listen.

On the contrary, I'm very serious.

In fact, Freddy and I are going to be driving

up around your way tonight.

Would you like us to drop in for coffee?

Why-- coffee?

Oh, wonderful.

Wonderful.

Well, don't be so enthused.

Well, I'm not sure whether you're ribbing me right now

like I thought you were ribbing Freddy White last night.

Ribbing Freddy?

Are you kidding?

Listen, Rob, he had me eating out of his hand

and it was delicious. Come on, fellas.

What do you say we get to work so I get home early.

I got to do a little extra beautifying for my new fella.

Your new fella?

Yeah.

If I play my cards right, that boy is going to be

the future Mr. Sally Rogers.

[ominous music]

Rob, will you sit down?

You're wearing out the nap on the carpet.

You know, I don't understand it.

Isn't Sally smart enough to see what kind of a guy

Freddy White is?

Maybe he's changed.

Guys like that only change for the worse.

LAURA: You think he's romancing her just so he can use her?

Yes, I do.

And if we don't stop it, he's going

to get Sal to write him an act for nothing,

then he's going to drop her.

I know exactly what kind of a guy he is.

Rob, you're not thinking of trying to break it up, are you?

Yeah, I am.

I'm the guy that put 'em together.

I'm the guy that better put 'em asunder.

I've got to do something to convince

Sally that that guy is as phony as a three legged duck.

Rob, don't you see that the harder you try to show him up

as a phony, and the more you point out his faults,

the more she'll love him and fight to prove you wrong?

Where'd you get that little piece of philosophy?

Darling, I know.

I'm a woman.

Every time anyone points out your fault

and your shortcomings, I defend you

and I love you just that much more.

I know, honey.

What faults?

What shortcomings you talking-- you been talking

with Jerry or something? - No, darling.

I'm just generalizing. [doorbell ringing]

You know what I mean.

There they are.

All right, now, will you remember

please you're Sally's friend, not her father.

I'll try and remember, but I won't promise.

[laughter]

Hi, Sal.

Hi, Sally.

Hi, Fred.

Hi, Fred.

[laughter]

Hey, Sal, what's the big joke?

Do you know what this nut did?

There was a mud outside, so he spread his coat

and told me to walk on it.

[laughs]

Why not?

Walter Raleigh did it and became immortal.

[laughs] I know, but he did it for a queen.

And what do you think you are, Your Majesty, chopped chicken

liver?

Why don't we all sit down?

Yeah.

Sit down, Sal.

Oh, thanks Rob.

Well, where did you two have dinner?

At The Plush Pheasant.

The Plush Pheasant-- that's kind of classy, isn't it?

I hope to kiss a rhino.

You know the cost for dinner for two?

$ , not including the tip.

Oh, want did you tell 'em for?

Why not?

Listen, I've never met a girl before that took

me to such expensive places.

Sal, you mean to tell me you paid for the dinner?

No, only for what I ate.

It's only fair, Rob.

I had chicken.

She had the pheasant.

Yeah.

But he was a real gent.

He paid for the tip, the hat check, and the parking,

and he gave me back the change.

That's me, second rate comedian with star's class.

Oh, now, cut that out, Freddy.

You're not a second rate comedian.

You've only got second rate material.

Hey, you know what you need?

Yeah.

I know what I need.

I need a new first rate act.

And I might just get one real soon.

From whom, Fred?

I figure if I kind of be nice to this lovely blonde girl,

she might write me an act real cheap.

Listen.

You keep kissing me like that, I'll

write you a new act for free.

Two more dates like tonight, and Rob

may lose his prettiest comedy writer for life.

Hey.

Does that sound like a m*rder thr*at

or did I just hear a marriage proposal?

I don't know.

I think either way, you're dead.

[laughs]

Laura, what do you think?

Didn't that sound like a marriage proposal?

Well, I think you want to discuss that with Fred.

Aw, he'd just laugh.

Oh, yeah?

You just try me on the way home, Mommy.

Honey, why don't you want to fix some coffee?

Yeah.

That's a good idea. - Good idea.

Sal, why don't you give her a hand there?

Sal?

Sal.

Sal, why don't you help--

Sally. - Oh, yeah.

Yeah. ROB: Help Laura with the coffee.

Yeah, sure.

I'll-- I'll go fix the sugar and the--

the creamer, and I'll go slice some cake.

Can you sew buttons, too?

Like Betsy Ross.

Show me.

You know you're a nut?

You know you're a nut?

You really got a little Sally going there, haven't you?

Yeah.

She's infatuated with the old master.

What-- what does the old master think of her?

Oh, nice girl.

Good figure, good teeth, good legs.

Mm-hmm.

I got plans for her.

What are you gonna do, put her in a horse race?

I'll tell you, a comic like me and a writer like Sally--

together we can go right to the top of the heap.

Yeah. I see.

Fred, I know you're going to tell me

this is none of my business, but I got to ask you something.

Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah.

I know.

You want to know I love Sally. - That's right.

Do you?

I'm going to marry her if I can.

Well, isn't that a little drastic, marrying somebody

just to get some material?

Why don't you ask her to write you an act instead?

Rob, it's not the same.

You see, if she's married to me, she'll write material forever.

And then all I have to bear is a little love, compliments,

and some attention.

I think it's a great arrangement.

Right?

I think it stinks.

I'm certainly glad that you're not Sally's father.

You wouldn't spring for a good church wedding, would you?

I'm going to go in there and tell Sally this right now.

You won't.

And if you did, it wouldn't do any good anyway, because she's

got stars in her eyes.

And I put them there.

You know something, Freddy?

You are not a very nice man.

You know, Rob, your porch lights are on.

But everybody notices it right away.

[music playing]

Rob, are you just going to lie there and let

her be hurt by that man?

What do you want me to do?

Go to bed.

Why don't you talk to her, Rob,

and tell her what he told you tonight?

I told him I was going to tell her.

It didn't faze him.

He said she wouldn't even believe me.

Do you know she's in love with him?

Did she say that to you in those words?

Right in our kitchen.

Oh, boy.

Well, maybe she's, you know, just infatuated.

Well, in that case it'll make it that much easier for you

to tell her.

Honey, look.

Why don't you talk to Sally?

You're both the same sex.

Well, so are you.

What?

So are you and Fred.

Besides, it'll be much more convincing coming from a man.

Yeah, I suppose so.

Oh, I wish she would just marry Herman Glimscher

and settle down.

LAURA: Of course, you could just resist introducing

her to charming rat finks.

Oh, I will.

You watch your language.

Will you go to bed?

Oh.

[music playing]

And Laura is trying to make me believe

it's my fault that Sally and that fink

White got together, simply because I

was the guy who introduced 'em.

Well, Laura's right.

I'll always hold a special place in my heart

for the guy who introduced me to Pickles.

Every time I get heartburn, I think of him.

Well, I don't want Sally to think that way about me.

BUDDY: You really think the guy will marry her

just to get an act for free?

He said that to me in those words,

just as calmly as if he were ordering a shrimp cocktail.

Boy, that's a new one, an honest louse.

That's the worst kind.

Hey, maybe we better tell Sal before she starts

emptying out her hope chest.

I intend to, just when the proper moment comes.

Hi, fellas.

I'm sorry I'm late.

I was at the beauty shop.

Oh, didn't get waited on.

Right?

You better be nice to me.

I may not be around here too much longer.

Oh?

Look what Freddy gave me.

A manicure?

Wrong hand.

Look.

Freddy gave you a cigar band?

Yeah.

Maybe he wants to smoke your finger.

You know what he said to me when he gave this to me?

He said, Mommy, I'm gonna replace

that paper band with something a little more durable.

A peach pit ring.

No, a real one.

Hey Rob, Buddy, we're getting married.

Well, aren't you gonna say congratulations

or something like that?

Yeah.

Congratulations.

Congratulations, Sal.

Well, don't jump up and down for joy.

Sally, sit down.

There's a few things I want to say to you.

Well, if you're gonna tell me about the birds and bees,

I know.

About Freddy White.

You mean about how he owes you money?

Not only that.

About your conversation last night?

He told you?

Every word.

Well, Sal, don't you see the reason he's going to marry you?

Well, do you mean did he tell me

that he intended to use me as his head writer

of free comedy material?

Yeah, he told me.

And he said you'd probably tell me if he didn't.

Well, I'll be.

Sally, don't you see what he's trying to do?

Well, I think he's being painfully honest.

Sally, I don't know quite how to say this.

But Freddy White is not a very nice man.

Now, Rob, wait a minute--

wasn't a very nice man.

Now, you know what they say about the love of a good woman.

Yeah.

It keeps you from bowling on Thursday nights.

Look, fellas, Freddy's a very gifted man,

and I know I can help him.

And let's face it.

I-- I know he can help me.

So don't worry, I know what I'm doing.

I hope so.

Well, all I can say, Sal, is I wish you great happiness

and lots of luck.

Yeah, lots of luck.

Thanks, Rob.

You too, Buddy.

Well, when-- when you think you'll be leaving us, Sal?

Well, that's kind of, like, up to Fred.

You know.

Hi, fellas.

Mommy.

Mommy.

Did she tell you the news? - Yeah.

She told us.

Exciting, isn't it?

Yeah, very.

Makes me all goosey pimply.

I know how you guys feel, but don't feel bad.

You're not losing a collaborator.

You're only gaining a new star.

We're thrilled.

Listen, Rob, can I borrow my girl for about an hour?

- For what? - For what?

Me.

I found an engagement ring for you that's you.

Yeah?

Yeah.

And I want you to be the first one to see it.

After all, you're paying for it.

Wait a minute.

Sal, you mean you're gonna buy your own engagement ring?

Why not?

She's gonna wear it.

SALLY: He's only kidding. - Listen.

While we're gone, you can discuss

a nice engagement gift for us. - Yeah.

Sure.

Why don't we write your new act, so she

can have a nice honeymoon.

Hey.

That's not a bad idea.

Discuss it, will you?

Come on, Mommy, let's go.

Yeah, but listen.

Also talk about silverware and salad

bowls, things like that there, you know.

Don't forget, it's for Sally, so money should be no object.

Yuck.

Yeah.

Boy, he is lovable.

Buddy, you know something?

You're a genius.

I'm what?

I said, you're a genius.

Has my mother been blabbing again?

[laughs] No.

You were kidding when you said we'd write Freddy a new act,

but that's just what you and I are going to do.

Oh, come on.

We're going to write Freddy White

the best act he's ever had.

I wouldn't write that guy I get well card.

Didn't you notice when you said you'd write him a new act,

those beady eyes lit up?

Who wants to light up his beady little eyes?

Buddy, I've got a hunch that if you and I write him a really

great act, Freddy White is liable to lose

interest in his Mommy.

Gee, do you really think so?

Sure.

And the worst thing that can happen

is that we're proven wrong.

What do you say? - Yeah.

And if we're wrong it means he really cares for Sally.

That's right.

Gee, what a great idea I had.

[laughter]

You know, ladies and gentlemen, many times when

the person comes out on stage people in the audience

sometimes say to themselves, gee,

I wonder where he comes from.

After all, not everyone can come from West Chester.

[laughter]

I come from a little town called South

Mokelumne Falls, which is in Mahanoy County, Pennsylvania.

And it's exactly six miles north of Plunkettville,

another strange little town.

And this is where I spent my youth.

Now, to more or less reminisce about my youth,

I was a little too young for a dog,

a little too old for a giraffe.

So I had to settle for an ordinary housefly.

And every day when I went to school, Horace to fly

would follow me to school, land on my desk,

and show me his exercises.

[laughter]

[applause]

There was a neighbor that lived a couple of doors away

that used to raise rare birds, the Umack bird.

Now, for those of you who are not familiar with the Umack

bird, the Umack bird happens to be

one of the rare species of birds on the face of the earth today.

They also happen to be very passionate birds.

Do you know that every night at : o'clock,

when the moon is at its very lowest, you can

find this bird flying from branch to branch,

search for her mate.

Is that you, Mack?

[laughter]

Is that you, Mack?

[mimics bird]

[laughter]

Today I walked into a drug store.

Now, walking into a drug store nowadays is not

quite like it was years ago.

So you will notice that invariably, in a drug store,

they have a section set up for alarm clocks,

ranging from $ . to $ . .

However, years ago we never needed

alarm clocks to wake us up.

Because there was an old man that

lived next door who was years old and had a -year-old cold.

And every morning, he'd clear out his sinuses.

[mimics clearing throat]

[laughter and applause]

You see, this woke up our neighborhood.

Now, that was usually a definite cue for the neighbor next door

to commence with this daily chores.

[non-english speech] [mimics sawing wood]

Well, we had a little construction problem

in those days, too, just as we have today.

Today there are two types of highways in the United States--

inadequate and under construction.

But it would be unkind and unfair to make you think

I had no love, for I met my first real love when

I was just eight years old.

Her name was Olivia.

She was tall, beautiful, gorgeous, elegant, shapely.

She was an ostrich.

[mimics ostrich call]

[laughter and applause]

You were great.

Oh, wasn't he great, Mel?

First rate, absolutely first rate.

Don't congratulate me.

Congratulate Mutt and Jeff.

They wrote it.

Fred, how would you like to do that act on "The Alan

Brady Show" next week?

I wouldn't.

You wouldn't?

Of course not, at least not until I've made as much as

I can out of it work in nightclubs and theaters

throughout the country.

After all, why should I blow it all on one television show?

That makes sense, Mel.

Well, it doesn't make sense to me, not at all.

I think it makes sense, Mel.

After all, he can play our show after he's

toured the world with it.

Pretty nice engagement gift, huh, Freddy?

What, are you guys kidding?

This is too good for an engagement gift.

What do you mean, Fred?

Well, do you realize I could do a world

tour with this material?

So?

So engagement gift is out.

What?

Mommy.

Mommy.

A wedding gift.

A wedding gift?

Well, you two certainly broke up that romance.

[mimics dog barking]

Come on, honey.

Just put that over there. Would you, please?

- Oh, sure, Mommy. - Good.

I won't be too long.

Take your time.

Hey, you know, Mommy--

What?

You know what you remind me of?

What?

A schoolgirl emptying her desk at the end of the year.

You know, I feel like one.

You know, there'll probably be lots

of times when I'll miss those two

nuts and this old school room--

Rob doing his push ups, and Buddy sleeping on the couch.

Come on, let's get out of here before they come back.

You know, we did the goodbye bit to death last night.

Hey, wait a minute, Mommy.

What's with the [sniffles]?

Something wrong with you? - No, why?

You're not going to miss writing, are you?

Well, I'll be writing for you, won't I?

You better believe it, Mommy.

[laughs]

What are you laughing at?

What am I laughing at?

SALLY: Yeah.

You know, I know a couple of guys that thought that when

I got a good act that I wouldn't need you,

that I wouldn't marry you.

I sure proved them wrong, didn't I?

Did you?

Sally, don't you know by marrying you

I have an opportunity to make half of show business

eat their words?

What do you mean?

I finally get a chance to get rid of the billing Freddy

the Welsher.

This is my opportunity to prove to those characters

that I've changed, that I do honor contracts, debts,

verbal commitments, handshakes, and all that jazz,

like a guy with finesse should.

Do to see, Mommy, the day that I marry you

I make think dingbats out of half of show business,

for crying out loud.

[somber music]

Yeah, for crying out loud.

Huh.

What are you doing, Sally?

Freddy, I think it'd be best all the way around we

call this thing off.

Huh?

The marriage?

Yeah.

You want to call off the wedding?

Yeah.

I want to call off the wedding.

[somber music]

What do you say, Freddy?

Huh?

No!

I'm not gonna call it off.

What do you think of that?

You're not gonna call it off?

No.

Come on.

Come on.

Do you think that I'm gonna have those Broadway columnists call

me welsher again?

We're get married.

That's final.

Uh, Freddy, I got a great idea.

What do you think of this?

Suppose we postpone it?

- Postpone it? - Yeah. yeah.

You go on tour.

And then, when you come back, you know,

we'll pick up where we left off.

You know, we'll just go right on.

Oh, yeah. Yeah.

That's a terrific idea.

Good idea, huh?

We postpone it.

I go away on tour.

Then, when I come back, we get back together again.

Yeah. Good.

Beautiful.

And to show my intentions are honest, I'll keep your ring.

OK?

OK.

Yeah.

Oh, Mommy, I'll write to you every day.

Yeah.

And I'll answer you every day.

Oh, you're one in a million!

Yeah.

Those are my usual odds.

Yeah.

You wear that ring.

Oh, till my whole arm turns green.

I got it.

Oh, I love you.

What a girl!

[somber music]

Freddy told you, huh?

We're sorry, Sal.

Hey, Sal, I want you to know that writing the act

for that guy was my idea.

No, it wasn't, Sal.

I thought maybe it would--

Boy, I never thought you fellas were that way.

What do you mean?

Credit grabbers.

Look, I don't care whose idea it--

it worked, and I thank you both very, very much.

You mean, you're not upset?

Oh, yeah, but quite happy about the results, believe me.

It's all right, fellas.

Where are you going?

Home.

When are you coming back here?

Well, let's see.

It'll take me about minutes to change and unpack,

and minutes for traveling.

I should be back in about three hours.

Three hours?

Yeah.

I figure I'm good for at least a two hour cry.

See ya.

[somber music]

- Good morning, gentlemen. - Oh.

Hi, Sal.

Hello.

Aw.

You didn't have to stand up for me.

Who was standing up?

I was straightening my girdle.

What are you so happy about, anyway?

- I got a present for you. - What?

What? What?

This is you.

Hey, money.

And that's for you.

Hey, what's this for?

For writing Fred White's act.

You mean, he sent us some money?

Nope.

ROB: Then where did it come from?

Well, I took back his engagement ring

and got the money.

I thought it was high time he started paying writers.

Hey.

Hey, Rob, you know any more cheap comics

you can introduce her to?

Don't do me any favors.

Why Buddy?

Well, look.

Sal, if it's not too much wear and tear on your heart,

we can make a lot of extra money this way.

- You and her-- - Oh, come on!

[music playing]

[theme music]