03x02 - The Masterpiece

[bunniefuu]

[theme song]

NARRATOR: "The d*ck Van d*ke Show,"

starring d*ck Van d*ke, Rose Marie, Morey Amsterdam, Larry

Matthews, and Mary Tyler Moore.

[music playing]

Hey, Rob, think I ought to get some seats?

No, let's look around a little while.

We got plenty of time before the auction starts.

OK.

Boy, he must have been some wealthy old guy.

Yeah, now I know why they say you can't take it with you.

This guy would have needed a moving van.

Gee, have you ever seen so many marvelous things?

Oh, I could just bid on everything.

You can't bid on everything.

Oh, I know.

I know, darling.

I just want to find one good thing,

and I'm depending on you to keep me in control.

So if I say I like something, don't let me have it.

If I say I love it, don't let me have it.

Well, how do I know when to stop controlling you then?

Well, if I love something, and you say I can't bid on it

and you feel my nails digging into your arm you know.

Seems fair enough.

I'm going to just look around by myself for a while, darling.

OK.

Gee, I could just bid on everything.

Hey, Rob, you better watch your wife.

If she's like my wife, Pickles, she buys all kinds of junk,

and never uses it. - Oh, I don't know.

Last time she came home with a beautiful rocker.

Yeah, she's been off it ever since.

Well, I still don't know why we have to be here.

Because we don't know that much about auctions.

This is research.

Research for a comedy show?

Since when do we have to know what we're writing about?

That's right.

We once did a sketch of an astronaut.

You remember for Alan Brady?

We didn't have to fly to the Moon.

Well, we got to find something for Alan

to buy at the auction sketch.

And it's got to be something really wild.

Hey, how about one of the big horses

with a clock in the belly?

No, somebody gives that as a TV award.

Yeah, we almost won that one too.

Hey, this is good.

Yeah.

What is it?

It's a hooka.

You know, Turkish waterpipe.

Oh.

Looks like a seltzer bottle with a thyroid condition.

Hey, who would want a thing like that?

Lots of people.

They make beautiful lamps.

You know, Alan could do some funny things with a water pipe.

He could inhale, and darn near drown himself.

Help!

Help!

All righty.

We'll think of something better.

Hey, Rob, look at this gorgeous vase.

Yeah, I know what that is too.

That's an old cremation urn.

They put the ashes in there.

Yeah, I wouldn't be caught dead in one of those.

Hey, Rob, you know with the right shade,

this would make a gorgeous lamp.

Oh, I'd like that.

Hey, group, come here.

Look at this thing.

An elephant's foot.

How would you like to carry that for good luck?

No, that's an umbrella stand.

Hey, you know something?

If you ran a wire up through the foot, up the back,

put a shade on it that would make a fabulous floor lamp.

Why don't we get the rest of the elephant

and make a chandelier?

A challenge for you here.

Sal, what would you make out of that?

All right, let's see.

You take the shade off, pull the wiring out, that would

make a gorgeous vase.

Thought I had her there for a minute.

- Hey, kids. - What?

- I think I found it. - You did?

- The perfect thing. - You're kidding me.

What? What?

Look.

You're going to love it.

Well, isn't it marvelous?

Oh, yeah, it's adorable.

What is that?

I don't know, but I love it, and I've got to have it.

Well, what's it for? What's it called?

Well, I don't know.

It's a thing.

Looks like a hood ornament for a ' Hupmobile.

What do you think, Sal?

I don't even think it'd make a good lamp.

Well, who'd want to?

Its perfect just the way it Is

Honey, what for?

You don't even know what that is.

Hey now, wait a minute.

Having this in your house could be against your religion.

Rob, I gotta have it.

It'll be beautiful.

Where?

Well, I haven't made up my mind yet.

But it's a perfect thing.

I'll find a place for it.

You know something that's a funny part of it?

She'll find a place for it, it'll look beautiful.

She's got a lot of talent in that direction.

I got it.

This is the thing we're looking for for Alan

to do in the sketch.

Yeah!

No, it's mine.

Honey, we're not going to bid against you.

You go ahead and buy it and we'll just borrow it from you.

MAN: All right, ladies and gentlemen, if you'll be

kind enough to take your seats.

The sale is about to start.

John, John, look.

Here's the thing I was telling you about.

Hey, that's a great looking thing.

Let's bid on it. - All right.

Oh, my goodness. - Take your seats, folks.

Thank you, thank you. - Oh, pardon me.

Yeah, oughta look real good.

Oh, Rob.

Just sit down.

They're going to bid on it.

Will you sit down and relax?

I just hope I get it.

AUCTIONEER: I have .

.

Ladies and gentlemen, this is worth

more than that if you just want to throw it at somebody.

once.

Hey, maybe we can make Alan a funny auctioneer.

That's good.

AUCTIONEER: , third and last time.

Sold.

Hey, I bet they make a lamp out of it.

Oh, Rob, they're putting up the thing!

I know, honey.

Just remember, you can only go as high as $ .

Well, what if those people outbid me, and I lose it?

It's not whether you win or lose.

It's how you play the game.

Losing is a great little character builder for you.

All right, honey.

If it goes a little over $ , you can have it.

Thank you, darling.

Ladies and gentlemen, I've been in this business

a long, long time, and every once in a while

I get something to sell that is really unique.

What am I bid for this thing?

We were right.

It's a thing.

We're not sure what it is, but if you like it

it's worth having.

$ .

$ ?

You want to buy it or rent it?

$ .

No, I'm only kidding, young lady.

I'll take your bet. I have one dollar.

Do I hear more? - Five.

Five? WOMAN: Five.

Five, I have five. Thank you.

Six. AUCTIONEER: Six, I have six.

Six will say . ?

.

Thank you, I have .

? - .

AUCTIONEER: . .

Who'll make it ?

.

AUCTIONEER: , thank you. I have .

.

, oh I'll get that dollar from you yet, young lady.

I have , who'll make it ?

, I have , thank you.

? - .

No, I'm only asking.

I have .

Who'll make it ?

, thank you.

I have .

? - Rob?

Nope.

AUCTIONEER: I have .

once, twice, third and last call.

This is it, ladies and gentlemen, any more?

.

I have .

once.

Are you buying this for the pretty dollar lady?

Yes, I am.

Sold.

Oh, Rob, thank you.

What's $ as long as we got the thing?

And you're the first kid on your block to have one.

What I don't understand is how the bidding got that high.

Yeah, I don't either.

There was only one lady bidding against me.

Well, I never heard her say $ .

Hey, you think maybe this auction is rigged?

Oh, no.

We probably just didn't hear them.

Well, I don't care just as long as I got the thing.

Ladies, and gentlemen, our next item.

The artist is Artanis.

I'm not familiar with the name, but the technique

seems to be quite good.

And it's a very nice painting indeed.

How will we start?

Should we start with $ ?

Can I hear ?

I had , thank you.

Who'll make it ?

?

, I have , thank you. $ .

The frame is worth more than that.

.

AUCTIONEER: , I have .

Can I hear ?

, thank you, sir.

Hear ?

?

Oh, I know why we haven't heard any bids.

A lot of those people are signaling.

Hey, what kind of signal?

AUCTIONEER: , ? - All different kinds.

AUCTIONEER: Well, how about ?

The guy over there just pulled his ear.

AUCTIONEER: How about , someone?

What do you mean?

Like that.

AUCTIONEER: , right there.

I have .

, I have .

Who'll make it ?

And another guy touched his nose.

, thank you.

I have a hundred, Who'll make it ?

Hey, we could use this in the sketch.

Alan could bid on things without even knowing it.

AUCTIONEER: , I have .

Who says ?

He could wave at somebody in the front row.

, thank you.

Who'll say ?

Rob?

Just a second, honey.

Hey, hey, or he could scratch his head.

You know, like this.

Thank you sir, I have .

right there.

Who'll say ?

Or he can chase a fly away.

AUCTIONEER: .

Rob!

Huh?

You just bid $ .

I did?

AUCTIONEER: Who'll make it ?

How?

Well, you went like this.

AUCTIONEER: Thank you, ma'am, .

You just bid!

What do we do?

Don't move.

I have .

Do I hear ?

I-- I better tell them we're not bidding.

AUCTIONEER: Who says ?

Hey!

AUCTIONEER: .

I did it again.

There's no need to shout, sir.

I can see you.

I did it again.

I don't want the painting.

AUCTIONEER: All right, are you all done at ?

Listen--

I know you want the picture, but you

can't raise your own bid.

There's a lucky break.

AUCTIONEER: I have . Can I hit--

. AUCTIONEER: .

I have . Who'll say ?

Boy.

.

Don't tell me.

You bid it.

once.

twice.

Stop him.

What are we going to do?

Figure out where you're going to hang it.

AUCTIONEER: third and last time.

Sold to the man who bought the thing.

Boy.

[music playing]

Well, you see, I wasn't actually bidding.

I was just showing--

I understand, Mr. Petrie.

But it's not my fault. You should

have told me at the time.

Well, I tried to, and it cost me an extra $ .

I'm really sorry, sir, but it's out of my hands.

The state has laws that govern these things.

- I see. - But I wouldn't feel too badly.

You've got a very nice painting there.

And as I said, the frame is surely worth something.

Now, wait a minute.

There's an artist, a man who comes around here.

He's an art dealer.

He usually comes, but he wasn't here tonight.

Here you are.

Ernest Holdecker.

AUCTIONEER: Yes, you call him.

He's liable to take this off your hands.

Oh, thank you very, very much.

- Good night. - Good night.

Bye,

Good night.

Hey, Rob, there's no reason for you to pay for the whole thing.

We're in this together.

Why don't we split it?

Yeah, and that way we could each have

the picture four months.

Oh, no.

It was my stupidity that got us into this thing to start with.

Well, darling, maybe we'll be able to sell it.

Sure and if we make money, swell.

If not, we can split the loss.

Oh, that's awful nice of you guys.

Yeah, we're known for that.

I could-- I could kick myself.

Don't do it.

The guy will think you're bidding.

Let's get out of here.

Oh, Laura, let me help you with that.

No, no, I want to get to know it.

Hey, Buddy, why don't you steer it?

Yeah, all right.

Here comes to showboat.

[music playing]

Did you figure out what to do with it yet?

Not sure, but I think it might make a dictionary stand.

Hey, that's pretty clever.

Then you can look it up in the dictionary,

and find out what it is.

Where are you going on with it?

In the bedroom.

Why the bedroom?

Well, if I see it first thing in the morning, it may hit me.

I just hope it doesn't att*ck us.

You call Mr. Holdecker?

Yeah, not in.

What are we going to do if we can't sell that?

I don't know, darling.

You know, the more I look at it the less I hate it.

$ worth?

Yeah, I know that's a lot I'm not hating, but you know,

the colors aren't too bad in here.

Hold it up over the couch, would you, darling, please?

- Oh, honey-- - Well, come on.

I can't lift it myself. Just put it right over there.

OK.

Bleh.

Little to the right, dear.

Now move your head.

Oh, come on.

That's good.

No, that's bad.

Oh, boy, just my luck.

What's the matter?

Well, it's chipped.

There's nothing more worthless than a chipped Artanis.

Well, how come we didn't notice that before?

Because we never really looked at it before.

You know there's something funny about this.

What?

I think there's another painting under here.

Where?

Well, isn't that an eye under his cheek?

Oh, I don't know.

Well don't-- don't scratch it, darling.

You'll ruin it.

Well, honey, it's ruined.

Hey, you're right.

That-- that's an eye.

A person's eye.

Rob, artists do paint over other paintings, don't they?

Oh, sure.

Sometimes they paint something they don't like,

and they just paint over it.

And some guys can't afford new canvases so they just

paint right over old paintings.

During the w*r, they used to paint over old masters

so they wouldn't fall into enemy hands.

Wonder what's under this one.

I don't know.

Honey, you ever read about that junkman that found a Rembrandt

under a worthless painting?

Uh-huh.

This is a worthless painting.

Rob, that doesn't mean there's a Rembrandt under there.

Well, no maybe a van Gogh or a Gauguin.

Or another Artanis

Maybe, honey, but there's every possibility

that there may be a very valuable painting under here.

Oh, Rob, do you really th--

no.

Things like that just don't happen to people like us.

Yeah, yeah, that's what people say before it happens to them.

When it happens to them, then they aren't people like them

anymore.

Honey, get me some turpentine.

Oh, Rob do you really think that--

Honey, I don't know.

I don't know.

All I know is there's an eye there,

and where there's an eye, there's got to be a face.

And if that face is sitting on a rocking chair sideways,

we may have found Whistler's father.

That's valuable.

Rob, I don't believe it.

How about that?

Do you really think it could be a Grant Wood?

Honey, I don't know.

Honey, prop the art book over there on the sofa.

I want to compare them side by side.

Honey, it's the same people.

It's the same house as in "American Gothic."

It's even the same pitchfork.

Yeah but our people are smiling.

Yeah, well, maybe they had a good crop that year.

You know, in the famous one, maybe

they could have just found out they had worms

in their tomatoes or something.

It sure looks like the same painter.

ROB: It sure does.

You know what?

The sad one probably caught on, and they forgot all about ours.

Honey, that could be worth a fortune.

How much do you think?

Well, if it's a Grant Wood, a lot more than $ .

Oh, Rob.

Hey, where did he sign that?

Lower right hand corner.

Honey, get me that rag.

Lower right hand corner.

Uh-huh.

It's painted over.

Now be careful, Rob.

I will.

There's an O. There's another O. Ha,

there's a D, O-O-D. Oh, I almost wiped out one of the O's.

No, Rob, don't do anymore, please.

Yeah.

Oh, honey, I can't believe it.

But that's enough proof for me.

Ood You know what I'm going to do?

I'm going to call Holdecker.

He's the expert.

Now get him over here.

Yeah, and then call Buddy and Sally,

and tell them they may be rich.

Why?

Because they offered to go in on it with you.

Well, sure they offered to pay for it when they thought it was

a worthless painting, but now that we

think it may be a masterpiece--

yeah, you're right.

They may want in on it.

I'll call them.

Huh?

What do you think?

Well, there's one thing you got to say about great art.

Everybody sees something different in a painting.

What do you see, Sal?

Oh, I see a mink coat and a trip to Europe.

Before you book passage, you better wait

till that art guy gets here.

You may have to swim.

Oh, Buddy.

That's what I like about him.

Always looks at the bright side of things.

I'm a realist.

A realist?

I'll give you a $ for your share right now.

Yeah, I said realist not stupid-ist.

[doorbell rings]

There he is.

He'll tell you.

Keep your fingers crossed.

Good evening.

You are Petrie?

Yes, sir.

[clicks shoes together]

Holdecker.

Come in, won't you?

I'd like you for you to meet these people.

This is my wife, Laura, Mr. Sorrell, and Miss Rogers.

How do you do?

Hi.

Holdecker.

Well, this-- this is the painting.

Uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh.

I need a clean rag, some turpentine,

and about this much white wine.

ROB: Wine.

Honey, would you get him some wine--

Sure thing.

--for Mr. Holdecker.

What-- what do you do with the wine?

I drink it.

He drinks it.

Wait till you see what he does with the turpentine.

Well, what do you think of the painting?

Mr. Petrie, one does not att*ck a painting.

One approaches it as it would a woman.

Is she beautiful?

Does she have a heart?

Does she have a soul?

These are not judgments you make in an instant.

Hey, he's right.

You can look at my wife for a whole year

and not see one of those things.

Yes.

Mr. Holdecker.

Oh, thank you, thank you, my dear.

Thank you.

I drink to your good health, your good fortune.

Thank you.

Well, could we--

Yes, yes, yes.

We will now meet with us your painting, yeah.

Excuse me.

Eh-heh, eh-heh, he-he, he-he-he.

Hm.

Are we in your way?

No, no, sit, sit.

Get away from me.

So.

Well?

So my dear.

Well?

[clears throat] Thank you.

Ah.

Ah.

Mr. Petrie.

Yes, yes.

I would say that this is a Good painting.

ALL: Oh!

New York, here I come.

It's a Grant Wood.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

I said this is a Good painting.

ROB: So?

Good, Nathaniel Good.

What?

Good's an imitator of Wood.

You see Wood is a great painter, and Good copies

Wood's paintings.

Unfortunately, Good is no good.

He kids around too much.

Look at that smiling. That's terrible.

It's rotten.

Mr. Holdecker, are you-- are you sure?

Oh, beyond the question.

In other words, we did buy a worthless painting.

No, I didn't say that.

No, no, I said you bought a painting

worth approximately $ .

Wow, well, that's better than nothing.

Yeah, but it's still not enough for a trip

to Europe and a mink coat.

So you take a trip to Hoboken in a cloth coat.

Mr. Holdecker, would--

would you give $ for the painting?

Well, the Artanis is worth $ complete.

Well, what about the Good?

Oh, Good?

Well, that's worth about $ for laughs, you know.

I've never heard of Artanis.

Ah, that's very interesting fact.

Very few people did.

May I have some more wine.

Thank you.

What-- what about Artanis?

Artanis tent this is the pseudonym for a very famous

actor who paints for a hobby.

What he wanted was for his paintings

to be regarded and loved for their intrinsic value rather

than the fact that he painted them.

So he signed some of them backwards.

Backwards?

S-I-N-A-T--

MR. HOLDECKER: That's right.

You are the proud owner of a Sinatra.

Sinatra!

And I would say half a Sinatra.

Frank Sinatra?

Well, that's right, he paints.

MR. HOLDECKER: That's right.

I think he sings too.

You know, it's too bad you schmutz it up.

It's quite good, quite good.

Oh, boy.

I schmutzed up an original Frank Sinatra.

You mean, then all this is worth nothing?

Well, let's examine the wreckage.

The entire thing as it is now amounts to a total loss.

Well, that's it you guys.

I'm sorry but we're out $ bucks.

Not necessarily.

Holdecker will give you $ for the frame.

Is that a good frame?

Oh, yeah, that's a good frame.

That's the only thing Good makes good, frames.

How about getting more wine?

So the doctor says, as long as you're afraid of an operation,

I'll just retouch your x-rays.

Good, good.

[non-english speech]

I beg your pardon.

Oh, oh, what I said was with wine everything seems brighter.

Well, you know everything did turn out OK.

We didn't get b*rned too badly.

You got a good frame, and Buddy and Sally

and I have half a Sinatra.

Hey who's going to keep it?

Can I have it?

What are you gonna do with it?

I'm gonna roll it up, shellac it, put a wire through it,

and it'll make a--

BOTH: --gorgeous lamp.

Honey, that reminds me, why don't you show

Mr. Holdecker what you bought?

Oh

SALLY: Oh, yeah, Laura, go ahead.

Show him, show him.

Wait till you see this thing.

This is how we happened to pick up the painting

in the first place.

We were at an antique auction doing some research

for "The Alan Brady Show."

"The Alan Brady Show?"

Oh, I watch it all the time.

You do?

Yeah, it's rotten.

Oh, but my wife loves it.

She watches it.

Mr. Holdecker, here it is.

[gasps] Oh, [non-english speech]

I have not saw one of those since I was a little kid

Really?

Oh, what did you pay for that?

$ .

Oh, that's a steal.

See?

Oh.

- Mr. Holdecker? - Hm?

What is it?

That?

Oh, why that is "eine sache."

A what?

A sache.

ROB: What does-- what does that mean in English?

In English.

In English, a sache means a "thing."

Oh, yeah, my mother brought one home when I was a little boy.

What did she do with it?

Oh, she didn't.

No, no.

My father, he was the creative one.

He knew just what to do.

You see this part here?

ALL: Yeah.

He cut that off, he took it, and he smashed the rest of it

into smithereens.

" marks you spend on that, And the kid here

ain't got wine in the house.

Oh, what do you say?

You want a little more?

Yes.

Right this way.

[theme song]