03x04 - all the sauces

[bunniefuu]

(INSECTS CHIRPING)

(INDISTINCT CONVERSATION)

- (DOOR UNLOCKING)
- PHIL (ON PHONE): Yeah.

As far as conferences go, it was boring.

Nothing to report.

- Oh, how was Kyle's game?
- Oh, it was amazing.

Six-zero. Kyle pitched seven innings.

Coach said it was the
fastest he'd ever thrown.

PHIL: No way. Are you kidding me?

Ugh, I'm sorry I missed it.

Oh, hey, so I know you
don't want to celebrate,

but I made a reservation at
Brio's at : tomorrow night.

- (LAUGHS) You did?
- PHIL: I did.

That's awesome!

PHIL: Anyway, I'm gonna stand
by on the earlier flight.

Hopefully, I'll be home around lunch.

Oh, I hope so.

Okay, babe. I'll see you
when you get here.

I love you.

I love you, too. Sleep tight.

(SILENCED g*nsh*t)

(FOOTSTEPS)

(CLATTERING)

(FOOTSTEPS)

- (CLICK)
- (FAUCET RUNNING)

(WASHING HANDS)

(FAUCET SHUTS OFF)

(UNSCREWING sil*ncer)

(KNOCKING ON DOOR)

May I help you?

Good morning, ma'am. Uh, Kenneth Goulet.

Do you have a moment?

All I'm saying is that sometimes
the police fall short.

Now, justice... That's still attainable.

- KYLE: Who is this?
- Hi. You must be Kyle.

- I'm, uh, Kenneth Goulet...
- Please leave.

Mm.

(GRABS CARD)

Okay.

I understand you had a full-ride
to play ball at Michigan.

You decided to stay home. Why was that?

Look, man, whatever it is you're
selling, we don't want any.

I know who k*lled your dad.

♪ ♪

(INAUDIBLE)

(SIGHS)

(EXHALES)

(FOOTSTEPS APPROACH)

(HEAVY BREATHING)

Dad? Wait, have you been up all night?

I f*cked up, son.

W-w-what is all this?

- What hap... What's going on here?
- I pissed off the wrong guy.

Dad, you do that every day.

We gotta leave. We're leaving Dodge.

Leave LA? I...

- No, I-I can't. I can't leave LA.
- Okay.

You get ready.

I'm gonna pack the car.

I'm gonna get new suitcases,

- you pack Gordon.
- Dad, I'm not leaving LA.

What the hell happened on
"Laws of Humanity" yesterday?

Tom, this is not a good time.

Just tell them I was doing
what I thought was best

- for my family.
- They loved you.

They want to bring you back.

The showrunner told me he had
no idea you were that good.

He said you gave real pathos to that...

to that sad old man character.

And now, they're gonna extend the part,

give you additional scenes. (LAUGHS)

On "Laws of" f*cking "Humanity"!

You know how big that
show is? It's huge!

Gets like-like a . in the demo.

Tom, I'm leaving town.

What? Why?

Because I pissed off a
guy I shouldn't have.

Well, I must say, that's, uh,
that's right on brand for you, Gene.

You know, I've been your
agent for years,

and let me tell you something.

It has not been easy.

People have told me you're narcissistic,

self-obsessed, petty, unhinged.

Their words, not mine.

Volatile, toxic, abusive, malignant.

A scrub, a dope, a dummy,

a loser, a cocksucker,

a dump truck, a stone-cold buster...

A b*mb? Why can't I just sh**t the guy?

Well, we were going to
have you sh**t them,

- but...
- Them?

Wait, I thought it was just
one guy, this Fernando.

It was.

You know, but then, Dom and
DeLuise over here pointed out

that if we only k*ll Fernando,
then, like, a whole contingent

of just weirdly stunning
Bolivian soldiers

would come in here and k*ll all of us.

So, it's been decided

that you are going to blow them
all up during their midday meeting,

which is usually around p.m.

Now, Cristobal will be
at Pilates at that time,

so he won't be there.

- Right, so I'm bombing a house?
- Oh, and how. Peep this.

Give me your phone.

You need the Detonate app.
Oh, wait, sh*t. I need your face.

- (APP DINGS)
- Bingo.

Would you like to receive Detonate
special promotional offers?

Absolutely. Can it access
to your photos? Yes.

Location services? Always.

Can I share personal information
with market research?

Sure. Why not?

And you are set.

"BerkmanGoesBoom."

Your password is "SuddenlySeymour ,"

- but the S's are all dollar signs.
- Thanks.

So, where's this b*mb?

(BLINDS CLICKING)

NOHO HANK: It's right over there.

(QUIET STREET NOISE)

(BEEP)

(CLICKING, WHIRRING)

NOHO HANK: Pick it up!

- (BEEP)
- (CLICKING, WHIRRING CONTINUE)

- (HIGH-PITCHED WHINE)
- (SOFT BREATHING)

(RECORDED VOICE SPEAKING
FOREIGN LANGUAGE)

(RECORDING REPEATS)

(RECORDING REPEATS)

(BEEP)

(RECORDING REPEATS)

(RECORDING REPEATS)

SALLY: I want my speech tonight
not to be corny, you know?

I want it to be honest
and real, like the show.

- Right.
- (SIGHS) Not some superficial bullshit

- about how it might be perceived.
- Right.

- Take this down.
- Yeah.

Um, "I didn't write, direct, produce,

- and star in 'Joplin' for the glory."
- Mm-hmm.

"I do this show for a little girl

who came from Joplin, Missouri."

Yeah, and maybe that little
girl's name is Abigail,

but everybody calls her Thweetie
because her grandma had a lisp,

and she'd say, like, "Thweetie!
Time to milk the cows!"

Yeah. And, um, maybe
Abigail lived on a farm,

so she was really sheltered and
she didn't see a television set

until she was, like, years old.

And every night, she
would be like, "Mama,

"promise me those little people

aren't gonna come out
of the television set... "

- Natalie! That little girl is me.
- Yeah, yeah.

You're Thweetie?

(MUZAK PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS)

TOM: ... cr*cker-ass, fruity-booty,

wack as hell, weak sauce,

fuckhead, fuckface, fucknuts,

sh*t nuts, sh*t f*ck, f*ck f*ck...

Wait a minute, somebody
called me a f*ck f*ck?

Yeah. Rob Reiner, .

Was the "Ghosts of
Mississippi" audition.

I specifically said I
don't want feedback.

But listen, now, you have
the opportunity to be known

as Gene Cousineau, great actor.

I'm gonna send you my new address.

I'm probably gonna be
under another name.

Go and-and pay for these, will you?

Gene?

TOM: Joe Mantegna.

Gene, it's, uh...

- it-it's Joe Mantegna.
- Shut the f*ck up.

Joe, listen. I've had
a very stressful day,

so if we don't make a scene here,

- I would really appreciate it.
- Hey. I'm the one violating

my restraining order
against you, hotshot.

The only reason I came
over here was to say...

good job what you did for that vet.

What?

- JOE MANTEGNA: The "Variety" piece.
- You were in "Variety"?

"Gene Cousineau, Former Actor,

Pays it Forward to America's Heroes."

You didn't have this made
at Knott's Berry Farm

to f*ck with me, did ya?

I do a lot of work with the vets, too.

Here's my challenge coin.

"The casting director from
'Laws of Humanity' told 'Variety'

"not many acting teachers
have accomplished

"the extraordinary feat...

"of saving a soldier's life

- through acting."
- What?

"Barry Berkman was
once a wooden soldier.

"Thanks to Gene Cousineau,

- he's become a real boy."
- What?

Look, I'm having dinner
with some friends.

You should join us.
This Friday, my house...

and we'll bury that hatchet.

Oh, and I'll be sure to tell my lawyer

to remove that restraining order.

Semper fi, brother.

Joe Mantegna just
invited you to his house,

not to brawl with you,
but to break bread.

I have to go.

You understand what this means?

This is the industry-wide amnesia

- we've been hoping for for so long!
- Tom. I have to go.

Why? Why is it you have to leave LA?

If I tell you this,
it could get you k*lled.

Not this bullshit again.

I've explained this to you. It's r*cist.

Just because Tony Danza happens
to be an Italian, doesn't mean

- he's hooked up with the mob.
- This is way worse than Tony Danza.

My life is in danger.

The best thing for you is to
stay the hell away from me.

(CART RATTLING)

(RATTLING)

I want to be a law-and-order
guy as much as the next one.

I do.

But when something stinks,
it stinks. Am I wrong?

It's always been very confusing.

The police said that Ryan was m*rder*d

by Chechen gangsters.

FUCHES: And did that
make sense to you then?

(LAUGHS) No.

My investigation says one
of his classmates, Berkman.

Barry Berkman...

He pinned it on them.

Maybe he... he was an
associate at one point.

He betrayed them. I don't know.

I do know...

he sullied your son's good name.

Your son wanted to be an actor, right?

Well, this fella's in LA right
now, working as an actor.

He took your son's life.

And now, he's living your son's dream.

_

That's his address.

That's where he lives.

(BOTH SIGH)

(OMINOUS MUSIC PLAYING)

(WIND BLOWING)

(RECORDED VOICE SPEAKING
FOREIGN LANGUAGE)

(RECORDING REPEATS)

(RECORDING REPEATS)

(SHUTS OFF ENGINE)

SALLY (ON PHONE):
I didn't write, direct,

produce, and star in
"Joplin" for the glory.

I do this show for a little girl

who came from Joplin, Missouri.

Oh, who's the little girl?

- SALLY: Me! Jesus, she's me.
- Go inside.

SALLY: What, so you'll
just meet us there then?

Yeah. Well, we're about
to roll, so I gotta...

- SALLY: Okay. Well...
- BARRY: Well?

SALLY: You'll make the
screening, though, right?

- BARRY: Yeah.
- SALLY: Okay.

Okay, love you, Boo Bear. Wish me luck!

(LAUGHS)

- The limo's here! Where's Barry?
- (SQUEALS)

- Oh, his sh**t's running late.
- Aw.

- How do I look?
- Beautiful.

- I don't look stressed out?
- No, no, no. You look beautiful.

Can you even imagine back
in Cousineau's class

when we were doing mirror exercises

that we would be getting
in a limo on our way

to your own show's premiere?

- Oh, I'll see you there, okay?
- What?

- Thank you!
- Mm-hm.

- (b*mb CLICKING, WHIRRING)
- (RECORDING REPEATS)

(RECORDING REPEATS)

(RECORDING REPEATS)

- (RECORDING REPEATS)
- (MUFFLED CHATTER)

- (RECORDING REPEATS)
- (MUFFLED LAUGHTER)

(RECORDING REPEATS)

(RECORDING REPEATS)

(RECORDING REPEATS)

(b*mb BEEPING)

(RECORDING REPEATS)

(HIGH-PITCHED WHINE)

(NEW RECORDED MESSAGE PLAYS)

- What the... ?
- (NEW RECORDING REPEATS)

(RAPID BEEPING)

- (NEW RECORDING REPEATS)
- (b*mb BEEPING, WHIRRING)

(TENSE MUSIC PLAYING)

_

(SIGHS)

(MUSIC SWELLS)

_

(TAPPING)

_

(CONTINUES TAPPING)

BARRY: sh*t.

(SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYING)

(DOOR HANDLE OPENS)

(MUFFLED PRESS CHATTER)

(ROUSING MUSIC PLAYING)

(SHUTTERS SNAPPING)

- (REPORTER CHATTER FADES IN)
- Miss Reed! Miss Reed!

Hi.

- Thank you.
- REPORTER : So, rumor has it

you're not actually from Joplin.

- What, true? False?
- No, I'm from Joplin! (LAUGHS)

It says it on the poster!

- Wow, we have IndieWire!
- Okay, Sally, you look amazing!

- Great. Oh, thank you so much.
- How are you feeling tonight?

Um, you know, they say not
to eat before these things,

and now I really wish I ate something
'cause I'm kind of hungry,

but there'll be food later.
I feel good. I feel excited.

REPORTER : You look good.
Who are you wearing?

- Um, I think it's... Oh, my God.
- Shoshanna!

Who am I wearing?
Oh, Shoshanna. It's Shoshanna.

(MUFFLED CHATTER, CHEERING)

You're so pretty.

REPORTER : You do not look old
enough to have an abused daughter.

SALLY: Oh, thank you for saying that!

REPORTER : What is your secret?

Um, well, I wash my face,
and I try to get hours.

- (SHUTTERS SNAPPING)
- (REPORTERS CHATTERING)

♪ ♪

Let's get you inside.

(EASY LISTENING MUSIC PLAYING)

FAY (ON PHONE): Hello. This is Fay.
How can I help you today?

Uh, yeah. My app isn't, uh,
syncing with the Bluetooth

on the device I'm trying to detonate.

FAY: Sure. Okay.
I can help you with that.

What's your username?

BerkmanGoesBoom.

Capital B, capital G, capital B.

FAY: Okay, thank you. Give me one second

while I pull up your account.

Okay. I found you.

First, let's make sure you have

the latest version of Detonate
installed on your phone.

I do.

FAY: Okay. Is the Bluetooth on?

- Yes.
- FAY: Huh. Okay.

I'm going to put you on a quick hold.

- (SIGHS)
- (EASY LISTENING MUSIC)

FERNANDO: Hey, hey, hey. There he is.

(LAUGHS)

- How was Pilates?
- Good.

Are we still leaving tomorrow?

Well, there are some things
that have come up

that I need to discuss with you.

Okay.

I have to admit, I didn't come to LA

only to run the Chechen operation.

I came because I had a feeling

that you've been disloyal
to my daughter.

(STAMMERS)

Elena means the world to me.

FERNANDO: Uh-huh.

(FAINT CLICKING, WHIRRING)

I had you followed to
your little love nest.

What are you saying? I don't
know what you're saying.

"It's done. Glad you're out of there.

"Are your men suspicious?

"No. I actually think
they are having fun.

"Need to see you.

"Meet at the place,
one hour. Make it two.

"The guys want to go to
Buffalo Wild Wings and try...

all the sauces."

- (MUSIC CONTINUES)
- RECORDED VOICE: Ever wanted to kaboom?

Join us in our Virtual Kaboom Room.

FAY: Hi. Thanks for waiting. I'm back.

I think I know what the problem is.

You always wanted to be
head of the family one day.

Elena thought you had potential.

I wasn't so sure.

So, I gave you the easy
work, like running LA,

which is the same as running Disneyland.

And yet, you still f*ck it up.

Why? Because you have
no mental toughness.

So, let's do a test.

I'm gonna give you two choices.

We'll see how you do.

- FAY: Is your Wi-Fi on?
- Is my Wi-Fi on...

Yes, it is.

FAY: Okay, try turning it
off, see if that helps.

Turn the Wi-Fi off?

One.

I k*ll you and make my daughter a widow.

Or two.

You take me to your lover, NoHo Hank,

and you sh**t him in the head.

Suegro...

you're going to have to k*ll me.

(LAUGHS)

Well...

must be true love.

- (SPEAKING SPANISH)
- (WHISTLES)

Mátalo. Hey!

Turning Wi-Fi off...

(expl*si*n, DEBRIS CLATTERING)

(CAR ALARMS BLARING)

FAY: All right. Sounds
like we were successful.

Is there anything else I
can help you with today?

BARRY: sh*t...

(ENGINE RUMBLING)

(BRAKES SQUEAL)

(FLAMES CRACKLING)

(DOGS BARKING, CAR ALARMS CONTINUE)

(CRACKLING CONTINUES)

Ah! Reviews are out!
The en fuego's been lifted!

The embargo's been lifted.

- Let me see that.
- I don't wanna hear it.

- Critics don't matter.
- Sally...

This is from the "New
York Times." (GASPS)

"A show by women about women for women.

"'Joplin' refreshingly
avoids the pitfalls

"of the female-driven dramedy

"by delivering a warts-and-all depiction

- of self-love."
- Sally...

If critics could do what
I do, they'd be doing it.

Okay, but Sally, your show has a

- on Rotten Tomatoes.
- (APPLAUSE)

And "Pam!" only has !

KATIE (ON MIC): I'm constantly
in awe of her work ethic,

her empathy, and her brutal honesty,

especially with herself.

Um, I'm new to the business,
but I feel incredibly lucky

to have not only such a great part,

but a really great mentor.

So, here she is, the creator
and star of "Joplin,"

- Sally Reed.
- (APPLAUSE)

(CHEERING)

Thank you, Katie.

Working with you has truly been one
of the most rewarding experiences

of my career.

You make me want to be a better actor.

(SIGHS)

Wow. (INHALES, CLEARS THROAT)

Okay. Good evening.

(SIGHS)

I-I didn't write, direct, produce,

and star in "Joplin" for the glory.

I-I do this show for a little girl

who came from Joplin... um...

Missouri, and, um, ahem,

she so badly needed to hear this story,

to know that she wasn't alone.

Um, and, um...

uh, if-if... if there is another
little girl out there today

who also needs to hear it,
then I have done my job as a...

um... uh... uh...

I'm sorry. Um...

Someone just told me that we
got a on Rotten Tomatoes,

and it really only just hit me now.

(APPLAUSE, CHEERING)

I, um, I...

You know, if you believe
your best review,

you've gotta believe your worst.

So after I got called "unforgivable"

in the "Pasadena Star,"

I vowed never to read
another review, but ?

(CHEERING)

Wow!

(APPLAUSE CONTINUES)

Ninety-f*cking-eight!

(CHEERING, APPLAUSE DIE DOWN)

(SOBS)

(SOBS)

(GASPS)

(GASPS)

(SNIFFLING)

(GASPS)

(GASPING)

(SHUDDERING BREATHS)

(GASPS)

(GASPS)

(GASPS)

(GASPING LAUGHTER)

(PANTING)

(GASPING)

Um, I just...

I just want to thank... (SNIFFS)

(BREATHLESSLY): all the
incredible people in my life

who got me here. (SOBS)

Um, my, my, my, my, um... my teacher!

Um, and mentor, um,
Mr. Gene M. Cousineau,

who, he taught me to be fearless,

and, um, my incredible
agent, um, Lindsay!

Um, she-she has been just a true...

You've been a true fierce
advocate of my work.

And, um, uh, to my-my boyfriend, Barry.

- Thank you for being an amazing boyfriend.
- (APPLAUSE)

You support and sustain me,

and I couldn't do this without you,

and I love you so much.
I love you so much.

(SNIFFLES) Um, who else?

God! Oh, my God, I almost
forgot to thank God.

- Thank you so much.
- (ORCHESTRAL MUSIC PLAYING)

And, um... Oh, my God,
they're playing me off!

I-I didn't think they
did that at premieres!

(INSECTS CHIRPING)

(KNOCKING)

He was in Fernando's house
when the b*mb went off.

- But he-he's all right.
- Oh, my God. Oh, my God!

(GASPS) Oh, baby. Oh, my God.

Oh, God... Shh...

I got you. Come on. Come on.

♪ ♪

Barry, thank you. Thank you so much.

Come here. Come on. I got you.

- I got you.
- (TENDER MUSIC PLAYING)

♪ ♪

(MUFFLED APPLAUSE, CHEERING)

(SALLY PANTING)

(GASPS)

(SOBS)

(GASPS)

(GASPING)

- You k*lled that.
- You k*lled that.

We k*lled that!

(LAUGHS) We k*lled it! (GASPS)

Oh, my God, I need a drink.
Where is the bar in this place?

Oh, that was amazing! Oh, my God!

This woman was crying so
hard, I couldn't believe it.

She had to take out a pack of tissues,

- and her boyfriend...
- He's, um...

I mean, I didn't expect that!
I knew people would like it,

- but, I mean, come on...
- Sally, you're dating a violent guy.

- What?
- Um...

I'm sorry. Um...

(SIGHS) Um, B-Barry is
a violent guy, and...

and the way he... he spoke to you
the other day was, like, awful.

It was really scary.

- He was in a mood.
- I just, um...

That was just really bad.
That was really bad. And...

- (CROWD CHATTER)
- I don't know. I just...

(SIGHS)

You're just a really
amazing person, and...

I don't wanna see you get hurt, so...

Oh, my God, look, look.

Excuse me, I don't mean to bother you.

- You were wonderful.
- Hi... Such good work.

Leo!

I packed the car. We gotta get going.

LEO: Yeah, Dad, just give us a second.

We got to get Gordon's shoes on.

Please...

don't hurt them.

I'm sorry I took you hostage.

And to make up for it...

I took a job. That money's Leo's.

- Where did you get it?
- Don't worry about it.

It's yours. Take it.

And after today,

you never have to see me again.

So my family is safe?

- Thanks for everything, Mr. Cousineau.
- LEO: Dad!

Where'd you get that?

♪ ♪

Leo...

we're going to, uh...

stay right here in Los Angeles.

- It was kind of crazy.
- It was crazy. I didn't know...

Okay. Um, Barry is...

- Oh. Okay.
- Yeah.

- I'll call you later. I'll call you.
- You were great. You were great.

- Thank you.
- Yeah.

Hey.

I missed it.

- Yeah, you did.
- f*ck. I'm sorry.

- You look great.
- Thanks.

- How did it go?
- Honestly...

It was... the greatest night of my life.

- That's great.
- Mm.

BARRY: Hey, I'm sorry.

Barry, we're done.

What, because I missed the premiere?

The way you yelled at me

the other day at the office,

I... (SCOFFS)

it sent me to a place I
never want to go again.

This relationship isn't good for me.

Wait, are you serious? I had a bad day.

What, I can't have a bad day?

SALLY: I'm gonna stay at Natalie's,

- so I need you to go to the apartment...
- No. No.

- ... and pack up your stuff and move out.
- No. No, no, no. No. Hey.

S-Sally! Sally!

♪ ♪

I can't believe we're doing this.

KYLE: I know.

But, you know, it's like the guy said.

The cops aren't doing anything, Mom.

It's just...

I don't-I don't see any other way.

I just never thought I
was this kind of person.

Th-this will bring us peace.

Do you promise?

- I promise, Mom.
- (SIGHS)

And-and...

I-I can do this alone, okay?

(SIGHS)

(SIGHS)

It's gotta be both of us.

Yeah, I think we'll take the Glock.

Sweet.

("FOOT ON NECKS" BY SAULT PLAYING)

♪ ♪

♪ You don't feel what we feel ♪

♪ And it's evident
that you sh**t to k*ll ♪

♪ 'Cause you know
you'll get away with it ♪

♪ Where's your soul, old man? ♪

♪ How does your wife
even sleep with this ♪

♪ Burden on her mind? ♪

♪ Knowing you will never make it to ♪

♪ Heaven, perfect life ♪

♪ You're the rules that's
how it's always been ♪

♪ Never black and white ♪

♪ We have green money, money ♪

♪ That's what you tell your kids ♪

♪ Before you start another day of sin ♪

♪ 'Cause you know
you'll get away with it ♪

♪ 'Cause you know
you'll get away with it ♪

♪ Karma's coming, to come for you ♪

♪ It's only time before
the burning starts ♪

♪ Burning you, trigger man ♪

♪ Ha ha ha, we don't care about ♪

♪ What you think, bitch boy ♪

♪ 'Cause it's the life
your daddy gave to you ♪

♪ Can't put down your big toys... ♪

♪ It's all respects,
wanna be Action Man... ♪

♪ But you can't... ♪