( harmonica wails )
...Two.
Th...
Three.
- hi.
- shh.
Choppers, radar?
Okay, good,
it's quiet.
I've been driving andy
around in the car.
It took me minutes
to finally get him to nap.
The motion of the car
lulls him to sleep.
Yeah, we used to go
for drives when our
kids couldn't sleep too.
Of course, we never
wrecked it by bringing
them with us.
Just trying to make your
babysitting job a little
easier, Roseanne.
Okay, a couple things.
Oh great, the list.
At least i'll have
something to look at
while i'm on hold
With the poison
control center.
You can see
i've divided things
into three categories:
Food, sleep
and recreation.
Jackie, food and sleep
are recreation.
Okay, first under "food,"
andy is not allowed
To have cheese,
preservatives,
fat or sugar.
I wasn't planning
on cooking for the kid.
So i've got celery sticks,
carrot sticks and rice cakes,
And if you just stick
to this diet, then he's
not gonna fuss.
He doesn't need all
this fiber, Jackie.
He's barely got a colon.
Bye-bye, sweetie.
I'd better go.
If he wakes up early,
you wanna get him back
to sleep,
Then you can either say,
"moomie wuvs boo-boo"
Or you say,
"boo-boo, tickie
tickie tickie."
Well, she's gone.
You can quit faking it.
- ( coos )
- I thought so.
Tickie tickie,
that's all you're
getting, kid.
Here, I know
what you want.
No no no.
Wait a minute.
Yeah.
Here you go.
Well, it doesn't say
anything about fondue.
( theme music playing )
( Roseanne laughs )
I purchased
some glorious fabric
For the nursery windows.
It took me all morning.
Goodness, i'm practically
winded.
You just can't get
good quality fabric
Since the w*r.
Well, I guess for me,
It's curtains.
( laughing )
You know, it's kind of like
living near the airport.
After a while, you just
don't hear it anymore.
Hi.
Jeez, Deej, whatever it is
you got in your jacket,
I hope it's not that
virus-infected monkey
- the whole town's
been looking for.
- leave me alone.
Yeah, what's under
there, huh?
Mom doesn't have you
defrosting a roast
again, does she?
I'm not gonna
show you what it is.
You're just gonna
make fun of me.
Son, they're already
making fun of you.
Okay.
Hey, it's your pictures
from photography club.
Look at this.
We're all in here.
Yeah, we were supposed
to capture the true essence
of our subjects.
- hey, what's this one?
- that's darlene's fist.
Oh yeah, you can
see the scabs
Where the knuckles have
dragged on the ground.
Jeez, d.J., it's really
rude to take a picture
of someone's butt.
Oh, i'm sorry.
That's becky's face.
Here's a good sh*t
of you, Mr. Conner,
sitting in your chair
In front of the tv
with a cold beer in your hand.
No empties on the floor...
Must have just started.
Hey, Roseanne,
come on in and look at
d.J.'s photo album.
- it's really good.
- Roseanne: bring it
in the kitchen.
No, you come in here.
Come on, Dan, just this
once do it my way.
Come on, I had
a long shift today.
- i'm pregnant.
- i'm tired.
Do you really want me
to come in there?
( coughs )
good thing I needed
another beer.
Here, check it out.
Oh, i've always wanted
pictures of the family.
Hand me a pen there.
Mustache time.
There I am.
Pretty nice sh*t, huh?
You're just
kind of sitting like
a lump in your chair
- with a beer.
- yep.
Just like
in the high-school yearbook.
Let's see what other
action poses he's got me in.
Well, it looks like
that's it.
Guess you haven't given him
much opportunity
for a photo sh**t
Ever since
your synchronized-swimming
group broke up.
I'm sure there must be
some others.
He was supposed to capture
the essence of his subject.
Well, now here you are
in your chair
with a beer.
I think that
about covers it.
I don't get it.
Is this all he
thinks of me?
He's got two pictures
of the mailman in here.
Well yeah.
Well, the mailman has
two sides, you know?
Here he is delivering
the mail and then here
he is picking up the mail.
It's not funny.
D.J. Thinks i'm a lump.
Well, then do something
about it.
- like what?
- do I have to put on
a harry chapin album
For you, Dan?
Spend time with him.
Yeah, maybe.
Couldn't hurt to spend
some time with the boy,
Show him i'm every bit
as complex as the mailman.
D.J., get in here.
What boy wouldn't want
to learn what his dad's
all about?
I don't know--
little skippy h*tler.
Buddy, you and I
are gonna have some fun.
Ow! How many of those
has he had?
Guess what?
We're spending
the afternoon together.
Why, what did
I do wrong?
- what are you guys up to?
- we're gonna throw the old ball
around a little bit.
Thought i'd show d.J.
What made the old man
Third team all-state.
Help me.
Yeah, so grab
the ball there,
bottom shelf.
I'll show you how
to throw a perfect spiral.
And you're ready to go.
- are we through?
- no, we're going to the store.
We're gonna buy a ball.
- do we have to?
- yes, it'll be fun.
- but I don't want to go--
- get in the car!
All right, just don't
hit me again.
How's my little andy?
How's my babe?
Have you been
goody good?
Yes, all except for
that one little incident
with the matchy matches.
Oh, baby.
( sniffing )
my god.
Honey--
Roseanne...
My child has oreo breath.
Well, relax. That's just
'cause we were drinking
An oreo-flavored liqueur.
You gave him oreos?
Roseanne,
what about my list?
I specifically asked you
not to feed him
any junk food.
Hey, you could spit
and you could swear
And you can even take
the lord's name in vain,
But you will not come
in my house and refer
to oreos as junk food.
I am serious,
Roseanne.
How would you feel
if you left instructions
For the care
of your child,
And somebody
just ignored 'em?
If I had never raised a kid,
and I left him with somebody
who had raised three,
- i'd feel pretty
damn good about it.
- well, somehow I don't.
Hey, you're getting him
back alive,
And that wasn't
even on your list.
I don't care about
andy being alive.
Calm down, Jackie.
I used to do stuff like that
And give my kids
cookies all the time.
Maybe that's the reason
your kids turned out
the way they did.
What the hell's wrong
with my kids?
Nothing if you're trying
to reverse the process
of evolution.
If that's the way
you feel about it,
Maybe you shouldn't
bring your kid around
here anymore.
Maybe that is fine with me.
Maybe I don't want my kid
Turning out the way
yours did-- like smart-ass
high-school-dropout
Trailer-trash
Dark-clothes-wearing
Boyfriends-
in-the-basement
Too-soon-sex-doing
Four-letter-wording
hoodlum oreo eaters.
That's what you are,
the whole family.
The whole lot of you,
oreo eaters.
And you--
You are
the oreo-iest.
Hi, guys.
How's it going?
Hey,
thanks for the ride.
- how are things at home?
- i'll pick you up at : .
How's mom doing?
Is she okay?
'cause, you know,
I was just wondering.
Hey, : 's great.
Maybe we can catch a movie.
Okay okay,
I see your point.
I see exactly
what's going on here.
Okay,
what's going on here?
We heard what you said
to mom about us yesterday.
Oh, god.
I've got this voice
That carries.
What's wrong with andy
turning out like us?
Come on, guys,
you gotta know
I didn't mean that, right?
Guys!
Look, you really hurt us,
okay?
I didn't mean to hurt you.
I meant to hurt your mom.
But you've taken
something really beautiful
Like hurting our mom
and turned it into
something ugly.
( laughs )
Good one, Darlene.
So I can see that
you're not really
that upset with me
'cause you're still
joking with me, right?
Actually, i'm still
a little upset.
I mean, I don't know
how i'm gonna be at
waiting on customers.
Becky, you say no more
because i'm gonna take
over your shift.
Now you two get on
out of here and go
have some fun.
I was kind of counting
on that money.
Fine, you can
have my tips.
Well, gee, I mean,
that'll make Becky
feel better, I guess.
It's... $ .
- it's all I got.
- cool, bye.
- see ya.
- okay okay.
I love you guys.
I love you two.
Oh my god,
I hope andy doesn't
turn out like them.
This is where
it all happens, d.J.
This is the hub
of the Lanford
transportation department.
If you see me sitting
in that chair at home,
It's because
i've spent a long day here
working diligently.
- hey, that lady
on that calendar's naked.
- well...
Can't blame her, d.J.
August is the hottest
month.
D.J., where'd you
get the shiner?
- dad threw a ball at me.
- to you, to you.
Hey, how about it, Deej?
Why don't you climb up
in an official city vehicle?
Dad, I ride in one
of these every day.
You're kidding.
Where do you go?
Hey, I bet you've
never seen this
part of the bus.
Whoa, this stuff is huge.
You fix this?
Better yet,
i'm the supervisor.
I got seven guys
under me,
And they better do
what I say or else.
I'll write 'em up
And infractions later,
there'll be a hearing.
So you just sit in a chair
and watch guys fix stuff?
Well yeah, the way
a king sits on his throne
And watches his knights
Fix stuff.
Mark, what are
you doing?
I'm making a sugar trail
for the ants, and they're
going for it,
The stupid bastards.
That's like feet
of ants. Can I try?
Mark, don't you have
something better to do?
I guess I could
go sh**t staples
into a spider web.
- i'm coming with.
- hold on, boy,
you're here with me.
And you haven't seen
how we get around
those e.P.A. Rules
On the disposal
of toxic materials.
- do I have to?
- yeah, come on,
it'll be great.
Go on outside.
The water out there
has all the colors
of the rainbow.
I wanna go back
to school.
- do you want a root beer?
How about a root beer?
- yeah, I guess.
Heads up.
- ( thuds )
- ow!
That was your good eye,
wasn't it?
And I also found
the most delightful
wallpaper
- for the nursery.
- no, mom, you always
do this.
We only wanted you
to do the curtains.
Piff-bibble.
I couldn't help myself.
I just fell in love
with these jolly
jolly clowns.
They're so antic,
Like they just
came tumbling out
of a little tiny car.
It's something the baby
can remember me by.
She'll remember you
every Saturday
When the whole family goes
dancing on your grave.
That doesn't
bother me, dear.
I know those are
just your pregnancy
hormones talking.
My hormones actually
wanna k*ll you, mom.
And they're out
in the front yard right now
looking for a big stick.
Water off a duck's back.
Quack quack quack.
- the coast clear? Is she gone?
- when did you come in?
About minutes ago.
I was just waiting
till mom left.
Well, if you're looking
for my kids, the girls
are turning tricks
At the trailer court.
And d.J.'s out back
skinning rabbits.
Roseanne, wait,
I came over here
to apologize.
I was way over the line
about your kids.
I think they're terrific,
And I also think that
you're a really good mom.
Really? Oh.
Well, maybe my kids
are a little screwed up.
I mean,
i'll admit that.
But if they are,
it's all dan's fault,
you know?
Did you know he hit
d.J. With a ball?
So I just wanted you
to know
That I was sorry.
Yeah well,
i'm sorry too.
I really should have
followed your list.
Thanks for saying that,
Roseanne. See, that makes
me feel so much better.
It's like you respect
my mothering.
Yeah, I mean,
he's your kid.
If you tell me to put him
in a pink dress
and tap shoes,
I should do it.
Well, no, I mean,
that would be
a silly thing.
The things on my list
aren't silly.
Those are serious
parenting issues
that i've researched
And feel strongly about.
Whatever.
If it's on the list,
I oughta do it.
No, 'cause there's
this odd tone
In your voice there that
seems to be belittling
the list,
Like there's something
keeps getting caught
in your throat
That is most likely
holding back laughter
Inside the rest of you.
No, that's not laughter
back there, Jackie.
That's a little
piece of oreo.
I was right
about the oreo.
No, you weren't.
You are totally totally
going overboard about this.
It's one crummy cookie
and I already had ate
the middle out of it.
Oh!
It is symptomatic
of something more
serious, Roseanne.
You substitute
cookies and candy
And junk for love.
- oh, please.
- you do.
I am willing to admit
I have got a lot to learn
About being a mother,
but so do you.
I had a lot to learn.
And I learned it
and now i'm done.
That is such a...
Ha!
That's what that is.
A "ha!"
Jackie, stop it.
Stop this instant.
Stay out of it,
old woman.
I will not have you
upsetting Roseanne
When she's
in this fragile state.
You tell her, mom,
And she keeps looking
at me too.
Just get out of here,
Jackie,
With all your
hatred and anger.
Shoo! Shoo!
Don't touch me, mom!
Accidents happen.
I can't understand
why she's doing that.
Now you just get
all comfy,
And mother will
make it all better.
She's not one of us, mom.
She never was.
Are we done,
Or is there a bag
of nails you'd like
to show me?
No, son, you're free.
Go run with the ants.
He hates me.
I couldn't be duller.
You could golf.
Going to the garage
was a huge disaster.
So I tried taking him
to other places
That might capture
my essence--
The bowling alley,
the lobo.
I even took him
to the quarry where
I used to go swimming.
You never used to swim
at the quarry.
At that point
I was making stuff up.
It's a lost cause.
I'm giving up.
I'm just gonna relax
and grab a beer...
Mother:
ding ding ding.
It's the good-humor woman.
In canada.
- ice cream, yay!
- I have to admit it.
I kinda like it
when you and Jackie
have a tiff.
It gives me a chance
to do some mothering
of my own.
I almost forgot--
A crumbled cookie
on top.
When you were
a little girl,
This would always
comfort you when
you were upset.
So tell me, mom...
Did you ever
try any other ways
To comfort me?
You know how it is
with kids.
When you find
something that works,
you stick with it.
Yeah, so why try
anything else?
Right, mom?
If i'm cooking dinner,
I'd better go
to the store.
Ta-ta.
Hello, Jackie,
I know you're not home yet.
I just wanted to say
i'm sorry about
the oreo stuff.
I was wrong.
Maybe i'm not
a perfect mother.
Maybe I still have a whole
bunch of stuff to learn.
Bye.
( orchestral music
playing on tv )
( sighs )
So your eye still hurt?
No, not all the time.
Just when I look at stuff.
Well, I guess
i'll go outside
And clean the shovels.
A man's nothing
without clean shovels.
Oh, not pepe le pew.
Hey, come on, son.
Don't knock pepe le pew.
- I wanted road runner.
- I can understand that.
The road runner's
done some fine work,
But he's more
for the masses.
Le pew, on the other hand,
demands more from his
audience.
- really?
- oh, absolutely.
For instance,
the discerning viewer
will always ask himself,
"how will the black cat
get the white stripe
down her back this time?"
- hmm.
- well, don't just watch,
think.
Something's gonna scare her
and part of her fur's
gonna turn white.
Ah-ah-ah, you failed
to notice those workmen
painting that stripe
Down the middle
of the street.
You're good, dad.
( french accent )
but of course.
Aren't you
gonna sit down?
Well yeah,
maybe for a couple cartoons,
But if that news comes on,
i'm out of here.
( cans hiss )
( theme music playing )
08x02 - Let Them Eat Junk
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Explore life, death and everything in between through the relatable, hilarious and brutally honest lens of the working-class Conner household.
Explore life, death and everything in between through the relatable, hilarious and brutally honest lens of the working-class Conner household.