08x04 - The Last Date

[bunniefuu]

( harmonica wails )

Man, our hospital
wants us to fill out

A lot more of these forms
than when D.J. was born.

I know.
We're just
having a baby.

It's not like
we're buying a car.

You know, we should do
this later, honey.

No, there is
no later, Dan.

Due in a week--

I can't believe
how fast this pregnancy
went by.

You're kidding, right?

No, i'm not kidding.

Do you realize
that this could be
our last weekend of freedom

- before the baby gets here?
- ( door opens )

God, we gotta go out
and do something.

Here it is, it's
Saturday night. We gotta
go do something tonight.

Hello, losers.

I know what
you're thinking--

"can she possibly own
boardwalk and park place

Three weeks in a row?"
oh yes, she can.

Oh yes, she will.

Well, if there's a lonely,

Pathetic, yet bizarrely
chipper woman

Standing in our kitchen
with a monopoly game,

It must be
Saturday night.

Maybe that's how life
looks when you're stuck
on baltic avenue.

But up on the green
properties,

Life is sweet.

I thought you were
giving Fred the baby
on the weekends

So you could have
a social life.

You guys
are my social life.

I can't go out
tonight.

I'm feeling all crampy.

Tough-- we're
going out tonight.

This is our last hurrah.

We're gonna go out
to a fancy dinner

And then we'll sleep over
in a fancy hotel--

One where the ice
machine's indoors.

Honey, we'll have plenty
of time to do things
once the baby comes.

No, we're doing it.
And you're wearing
you good suit too.

It's in the dryer.

Jackie...

Well, this might be
our last chance.

You understand that
now, don't you?

I'll give you
each an extra bucks.

That's a damn
good deal, honey.

No Dan,
we are going out.

You know,
we got at least a year
of baby jail ahead of us

And that kind of time
really changes a person--
look at her.

I rest my case.

D.J. ( sing-song )
Deej, my favorite
nephew,

What do you say?
So it's just you can me
tonight, huh? Monopoly.

( snickers ) monopoly?
Aunt Jackie, sorry.
It's Saturday night.

- i'm going to the movies.
- great, we'll
catch a movie.

I'm going
with my friends.

All right, you can
drive me to the movies,

But you have
to wait in the car
until it's over.

Then you can drive me
to the ice-cream place,

But you have to wait
in the car there.

Then you can
bring me home.

All right.

Sorry, Roseanne,
I can't play monopoly--
I got plans.

( theme music playing )

( Roseanne laughs )

Darlene: come on, Becky,
let's get out of here--

I'm starting to smell
like this place.

I gotta at least
make it look like
I cleaned up.

Just write a note
that says "I cleaned up"

And put it
on that pile of crap.

Hey, check it out.

There's a bottle
of peppermint schnapps
with a card for mom.

"dear Leon,
congratulations

On five years
of sobriety."

That is the meanest thing
i've ever seen.

Man, she's good.

- you ever had this stuff?
- peppermint schnapps?

I don't think so.

Hmm, what are the odds?
It's open.

Darlene...

Oh, relax.
We're saving
a man's life here.

Besides, you got
anything better to do?

Well--

Before you answer,
remember-- it's Lanford
and it's : .

We're the only ones up.

Not bad--
kind of like
a candy cane.

Yep, every burp
is christmas morning.

Roseanne.

Good news--
pulled some strings
with the maitre d'.

We only have
another hour wait
for a table.

( sighs )
oh well, that's
all right, Dan.

There's plenty to do
in this hotel.

Hey, look at here--

"welcome
to josh meyer's
bar mitzvah."

Wow,

Jewish people
in their natural
habitat.

I'm starving.
What do you say we grab
a bite at the coffee shop

And go back
up to that room
I paid $ for?

That's four times
more than I paid
for this robert hall.

Hi, hey hey hey.
Who are those for?

They're
for the meyer
bar mitzvah.

Oh well,
that's us.

Dinner is
starting in five
or minutes.

No way, Roseanne.

Come on, Dan,
grab a yarmulke.
We're going in there.

Today you are
a meyer.

Wait a minute, honey.

It looks
a little dressy.

Aha.

Don't look conspicuous,
just follow my lead.

Shalom.

Shalom. Shalom.

Shalom.
Shalom.

Shalom.

You don't have to bow.

What are we supposed
to do now?

We'll just mingle, okay?

And if we see a drunk
kid walking around with checks
hanging out of his pockets,

We go up and we say,
"mazel tov."

Hi, i'm rabbi farkas.

- how do you know
young josh?
- uh...

I'm a friend of a friend
of a friend of his mother.

Oh well, what temple
do you belong to?

Temple...

Beth midler.

Really? I've-- i've
never heard of that.
Are you reform?

No, but we're
trying to cut down.

You know, i'm gonna
wear this thing

With a little
southside slide to it.

Hi there,
i've been watching you
since you came in.

You're so brave.
I mean, look at you--

Your hair is stringy,
your ankles are swollen,

You are all bloated up.

But you are out there
in public anyway.

You're an inspiration,
you know that?

An inspiration.
Thank you.

( whispers )
thank you.

Well, we're gonna
take a little break now.

We come back,
the meyer family has
requested something

From "fiddler on the roof."

So if you have any requests,

Please don't hesitate.

What about something
from "jesus christ superstar"?

( laughs )

Well, there's one
in every crowd.

Why don't
you come up here,
young lady, huh?

Let's give her a hand.

Why don't you
give the first toast
this evening, hmm?

Uh, okay.

Uh well,
um ahem.

Welcome to the uh...

Josh meyer bar mitzvah.

And of course you know
josh meyer right here

And that's my husband
marvin here.

He signs everything
I say for the deaf.

Man:
dinner is served.

Man, look at them
grab up the food.

Oh, man, these are
our people, Dan.

They do make a fellow
feel at home.

Excuse me, pardon me.
My wife is having
a baby. Excuse me.

- honey.
- thank you.

- what do we got here?
- we've got lox and kugel,

Kreplach, knishes
and kasha varnishkes
with gravy.

Man, I thought
they only liked
chinese food.

Let me have
some of that varnish
with gravy there.

Yeah, that's
delicious.

Good thing I don't know
what it is or I probably
couldn't eat it.

Just like at home.

You know,
they're way better
in the old testament.

Is it okay
if we sit here?

Only if you got
cigarettes.

Well, don't you think
it's a little unhealthy
to be smoking at your age?

Aw, shut up!

I've been to
of these things!

- okay,
mother, let's stop.
- out of here!

Let's stop, i'll get you
a beautiful cigar

In the gift shop.
Come on.

( screaming )

Hey, what do you two
think you're doing?

Oh god, don't panic,
just eat fast.

You're gonna go
the whole night

Without saying hello
to your uncle sol?

- you're shlomo, right?
- no, i'm not,

I just had
a couple of drinks
up in the room.

He doesn't recognize us.

I can't believe
you don't recognize us--

First no shower gift
and now this?

You think I don't
recognize you?

You think
I would have sent this
through the mail?

I wanna deliver it
in person.

I wanna give
$ to the baby
for college.

I'm having twins.

She's kidding,
uncle sol.

You're such a kidder.

She's been a kidder
since she was a baby.

Say, isn't that,
um...

Marilyn and marty?

Yeah. What, do they
think they're gonna
go the whole night

Without saying hello
to their uncle sol?

Say you two--
you think you're gonna
go the whole night

Without saying
hello to uncle sol?
What is the matter with you?

( speaks yiddish )

He was always
my favorite uncle.

I'm hot.
I'm always hot
at these things.

Forget about hot.

I can hardly hear
a thing over
that band.

My fork is too short.
Did you get a short fork?

You know,
the kugel was
awful.

I spit it in a napkin

And put it
on larry's plate.

You know, i'm
really hot myself.

Get a load
of her highness.

Total lift, she had
her eyes done,

And it's not
her real nose.

Man, these people
are completely rude

For no reason.

I love it here.

- hey, these
are free, right?
- as many as you want.

- I love it here too.
- see?

I gotta admit it, honey--
I am having a good time.

And look over there--
it's game for the kids,

It's skee-ball.

Make that
the best time
of my life.

So what do you like
better, Becky,

Schnapps and coffee,
schnapps on the cake

Or schnapps
over ice cream?

Okay.

( snickers )
man, you are
schnapp-faced.

What the hell are
you doing back there?

Just a little
meat sculpture.

Guess who this is.

( mimics Roseanne )
"Darlene, Becky,

My back's itching
right in the center!"

Oh my god, it's mom.

It's mom tartare.

How long do you think
it would take...

To cook mom's head?

Two and a half hours
at °.

I've thought
about it a lot.

Whoa!
Check out
that guy.

Nice!
Ow, baby!

Yeah-ah!

Jeez, Becky, put it
back in your pants.

Aw, he even didn't
look over.

What-- what's that about,
anyway, Becky?

I mean, he was
okay-looking, but you've
got Mark at home

- and Mark is--
- Mark is what?

Your husband, right?
That's where I was
going with that.

Say it, say it, say it.

He's gorgeous, okay?
There, I said it.

Mark is a gorgeous man.
Now hand me a Kn*fe.

I must gut myself
like a fish.

He is gorgeous,
isn't he?

But, you know, it's
kind of a trade off.

I mean, he's not
exactly the greatest
conversationalist.

Maybe that's
your fault.
I mean,

When he speaks,
you should try
rewarding him

With little treats.

Well, he's not
that bad.

You always make him sound
like he's the dumbest
guy on the planet.

( snickers )
well, name someone
dumber.

Oh yeah, like I know
everyone on the planet.

Well, if you know he's
not the brightest guy
in the world,

What's gonna happen
with you guys

- in like years?
- what do you mean?

Well, mark's not gonna
be gorgeous forever.

Summer turns into fall,
young elvis turns into
bloated elvis...

Well, he's more
than just looks,
Darlene.

He's sweet and gentle,

Doesn't run around,

He's perfectly happy
spending quiet evenings

At home with me
and...

( sobs )
just because we have
nothing in particular

To talk about
ever...

Doesn't mean we don't have
a wonderful marriage.

( register clanks )

Here-- there's
no kleenex.

Thanks.

Well, if you feel
this bad about it,
Becky,

You should do
something.

I don't know.
Mark is Mark

And what can I do?

Renovate him.

I mean, that's what
she did with dad.

He used
to have no goals
and a menial job

And-- well, now,

He can bowl .

I don't know if I can.

I mean,
mom is so much
stronger than me.

Just look at her.

Come on, Becky,
you're as strong
as she is.

Wow, this is weird.

You're
like helping me,

Advising me
to stay with Mark.

God, we never do this,

We never
talk to each other
like people.

Yeah. Well,
that's mom's fault.

We'd be friends
by now if she'd let us
start drinking

When we were kids.

- so josh, do you like
the girls yet?
- not really.

We'll, you're a man today.
You better get off the pot.

I better get back.
Nice meeting you.

Hey wait, josh.
Before you go,

Since it's your, uh,

Special day,
here-- go ahead,
pick a present.

- I guess
i'll take the pen.
- oh, good choice.

That's from the hotel here.

Yes! Iceman for
the charity stripe!

How about
high-fives, guys?

( kids cheering )

They love me.

Kids love anything
they can climb on, Dan.

My neck's sore, Dan.
Will you rub my neck?

That would mean putting
down either my food
or my drink.

Well then, never mind.

I couldn't help
overhearing,

I'm a chiropractor.
Come by my office
tomorrow,

- i'll fix you up.
- you don't want
a chiropractor.

Trust me, i'm
an orthopedic
surgeon.

If it's really
bothering you,
call my office.

If that's the result
of an accident, call me.
I'm a lawyer.

I will fight
for you.

Sylvia and murray.

- ( chuckles )
- that's us.

No, that's them.

They don't know you
and the rest of the people
don't know you either.

Oh, I know what
this is all about.

Because I married
a gentile, isn't it?

You snuck in here,
didn't you?

Yeah, sorry,
uncle sol.

My brother-in-law
is paying for this.

- we're going.
- no, you're staying.

I hate
my brother-in-law.

Sit, eat,
drink, take home
a centerpiece.

Hey, all right.
Bar mitzvahs rock!

You call this
a bar mitzvah?

He spent $ a head.

On my son's bar mitzvah,

I don't wanna
tell you what I spent--
I spent $ a head.

Who loves
their son more?

So when is the baby due?

Any minute now.

I became a grandfather
about six weeks ago.

The baby is colicky--

Baby won't sleep
through the night

And half the time
the baby won't even eat.

Wow, man,
that's the worst.

Yeah, my daughter
and her husband are
going out of their minds.

- oh, god,
I bet they are.
- ( thumps )

You know,
I need another drink.

You know something?

In years
they'll forget
they didn't sleep.

The only thing
they'll remember is

Just this--
this will be the only
thing that they'll remember.

- oh, look at those eyes...
- uh-huh.

...And that little mouth.

Yeah, the nose
will come later.

Oh, hey, before you put
your wallet away,

- here.
- no no no,

That's for the baby.
When uncle sol
gives a gift,

It stays given.

Well, I always wanted
a rich uncle.

Well, i'm comfortable.

Yeah?
Are you married?

I'm a widower--
actually twice.

I think i'm a jinx.

Man, i'd love
for you to meet
my mom.

Say, i've got another nephew
who's gonna have a bar mitzvah
in a couple of weeks.

- i'll see you there.
- you got it.

Bye, uncle sol.

So long, shlomo.

Okay, I am.

Uh, I guess
we'd better go soon.

Why? We were
having a good time.

Now you're
all grumpy again.

They get colicky,
Roseanne.

They need to be fed
every minutes...

And burped,
and changed,

And fed again and burped
and changed

And fed and burped.
You were right, honey--

Our days are
definitely numbered.

Thank god you dragged me out
for one last hurrah.

'cause the next six months
are gonna be hell.

They're gonna be
fantastic, Dan.
Let's go dance.

I don't get it--

A few hours ago
you were calling it
baby jail.

Oh yeah, I know, I know.
But, you know,

Remember the way
they uh...

Wrap their hand
around your finger

And the way they look
when they smile the
first time,

The way they smell
after they've had a bath.

It's a pretty cool
jail, actually.

Yeah... The way they pop
their little eyes open
for the first time

And look at you
like they've got
a bum deal.

- that's the coolest.
- yeah.

Well, I am gonna
miss this--

Just us, leisurely like--

I mean, it's all gonna
be about the baby
for a while.

I'm gonna miss you.

- well, we've still
got tonight.
- mm-hmm.

And we're up
bucks.

One, two, three, four--
chance.

Chance!
"pay luxury tax."

"advance to go."

Oh, i'll collect
my simoleons

If you don't mind.

Now your roll,
little doggie.

You're coming down
my street now.

Ooh! Oh, boardwalk

With a hotel!

I'm a little short.
Do you think you can
help me out?

Well, I could,

But I won't.

Sorry, pooch,
it's a dog-eat-dog world.

She's k*lling us!

I'm dead. I am dead.

You have been so lucky.

It's a sad sad tale

Of the lucky
and the dead.