08x07 - The Getaway, Almost

[bunniefuu]

( theme music playing )

Okay, he's in his
car seat and ready to roll.

Look at that little
jerry garcia conner.

He's so cute
and content in the car.

Yeah, we sure
named him right.

He's only happy
when he's on the road.

( cooing )

Okay, he's starting to fuss.
Come on, let's get
this thing loaded.

( country music playing )

Well, that ought
to be enough to get us
to the mall.

( theme music playing )

( Roseanne laughs )

- ( baby cooing )
- boy, i've never seen him
this happy.

Look at him
drool.

You know,
my andy still drools.

At what age does this
drooling go from a sign
of happiness

To a sign of...
You know...

Hello, Mrs. Gump,

We found
your son?

Here's sensitivity,
here's you.

Chasm!

Boy, what a cool day.

For the first time
in two weeks, jerry hasn't
been cranky

Or clamping onto my breast
every two seconds.

Now if a car ride
could just do the same
for Dan...

I'm glad you're happy.
I can't believe in that
whole mall

I couldn't find that hair
color that cybill shepherd
uses.

Well, maybe you're
just not worth it.

We ought to go
to that big outlet mall
up in elgin.

Elgin?
That's an hour away.

So, how would you
rather spend
the next hour?

A peaceful drive
in the country,

Or back at my place
with gray roots
and a screaming baby?

Can we discuss it
before you make up
my mind?

There has to be
someplace closer
than that.

Well, jerry's happy
and that makes me happy.

We want to go
to elgin, huh, honey?

( cooing )

That's it.
Turn this thing around.

You're outvoted.

I can't be outvoted
by a baby.

Hey, Deej,

Are you...
Playing a video game?

( imitating d.J.'s voice )
no, dad,

I'm developing
my hand-eye coordination,

So I can be of use
to the u.S. Army.

Let me put this
another way:

If you weren't here
right now, I would have
the house to myself

For the first time
since...

Well, ever.

So...

What's it
gonna take?

I'm writing down
a number.

Interesting...

How does this
grab you?

Are we gonna do business
or you just gonna bust
my chops?

This thing
you have done for me,

I will not forget.

I'll be home
by : .

Okay, : .

Yes.
The house is mine.

Mine, I tell you!
( laughs maniacally )

First comfort...

Ah...

Then entertainment.

Hey, guys.

You two are going out
tonight, aren't you?

Well, we weren't
going to.

Until we heard
you were giving
away money.

Thanks a lot, Deej.

Your brother
cleaned me out.

Okay, fine.
David,

Why don't you go get
that , -piece puzzle
off the top shelf?

Wait a minute,
wait. Okay.

If the waiter
cuts that in half
you're on your own.

It's all right,
I got plenty of cash.

Ahh.

What's with
wives?

I don't get it, man.
She kicked me out
of my own house.

She kicked you out,
so you come to her
parents' house...

We're the ones who
taught her not to like you
in the first place.

Do you understand
your wife, Dan?

I understand that
she's gone for the first
time since she had the baby.

And I finally
have the opportunity

To ponder world events,
religious philosophies...

See how many different
sounds my body can make.

What are
we watching?

I was watching the game
alone, by myself, solo,

Party of one.

It's a good thing
I came over, then.

Hey, Roseanne,
put these on.

I'm gonna take our picture
and we'll look just like
thelma and louise.

Yeah.
People do say I look
just like geena davis.

And you look
just like harvey keitel.

My boy.

- here you are.
- I think you forgot this.

Oh, I forgot the bag
with all my stuff in it.

All right, i'll tie it
to the back of the car

And we'll drag it
along behind us.

Do you guys think
you can give me a ride?

- i'm kinda stranded.
- stranded, huh?

- that's awful.
- excuse us, young woman.

- come on, Jackie.
- no no.

Don't even think
about it.

We have
to go home.

Look at her, Jackie.
She looks so alone.

She looks
like an escapee.

- we can't just leave her here.
- of course we can.

So, where are you
heading, miss?

My name is garland.
I'm going to glenview.

Glenview-- that's like
an hour out of our way.

Sorry.
Good luck.

Come on, Jackie,
we're gonna take her
with us.

Just to be safe,
go on and pat her down.

All right.

Uh, missy...

If you're gonna
be traveling with us,

Just to be safe,
you know, i'm gonna
have to...

Give you
a little frisk.

It's okay,
she used to be
a cop.

At least that's what
she told me when she
did it to me.

No problem.

She's clean.

I set the thermostat
on , I come back
a few minutes later,

Becky's got
it turned up to .

You rig the thermostat
so that when it says ,

It's really .

It's funny.
I used to be happy
when my team was winning.

Then she forgets
to pay the bills
for a couple of weeks.

I mean, she's the one
who wants to handle
the money,

So you know,
handle it, lady.

( silent )

Darlene, come on,
we're not going to see
"showgirls" again,

It's a bad
movie.

I know, David,
it's the worst.

Everything that
joe eszterhas writes
is his revenge

On some girl
who ignored him
in high school.

I've seen what the guy
looks like. I'm guessing
he's got , more in him.

But it embarrasses me
when you holler

And throw things
at the screen.

Well, it embarrassed me
when you teared up

At "sleepless in seattle."

Okay, but you
know we can't go back
to the same theater

Where we saw
"basic instinct."

They have our pictures up
in the box office.

Okay, cool.

Tomorrow we'll see
one of those sensitive-

Foreign-little-boy-
with-a-bicycle movies
you like to see.

And i'll bring
a book.

Cool.

I don't believe
them.

They have a fight
and they make up
in a minute.

There's a difference,
Mark.

What, that they're
younger than me
and Becky?

The reason that they
have a fight and then
make up the next minute

Is that they are
not married.

Yeah, but me and Becky
are married,

So how is
that different?

When you're married
for years,
you'll understand.

Why?
You guys have been
married for years.

That's right.

Look...

Maybe if I tell you
this it'll make you
feel better.

Let me
explain to you

What it's like
to be married
to Mrs. Conner.

We're gonna need
some more beer.

Jackie, you'd get
a better view

And it'd probably be
a lot safer if you just had
her ride out there on the hood.

So garland,
tell us about
your band.

It's awesome.

See, every member is
a riot girl, like me.

And we call ourselves
the "unit shredders."

Unit shredders?
What is unit shredders?

Oh.
Oh, yeah.

Oh, that's cute.

So you have no idea
what kind of stuff
riot girls

Are out there
screaming about?

See, we're about
taking control,

Not trashing
yourself, you know?

Chicks
that rock,

Taking our place
in rock and roll, man--
our band is doing it.

A lot of bands
are doing it, actually.

Have you ever heard
of "red aunts"?

- no.
- "babes in toyland"?

- huh-uh.
- "l-seven"?

- huh-uh.
- "bikini k*ll"?

Oh, "bikini k*ll."

Are they back together
again?

Put it in,
let's hear some.

Okay.

( punk music playing )

Good message, huh?

It's freedom rock,
man.

Turn it up.

Well, Jackie,
she's got a metal plate
in her head

And it amplifies
the sound.

That it does.
Clang-clang, clang-clang.

There's my exit.

Oh, we're playing
up at the storage unit,

Up the street.
I'd invite you,

But we're sold out.

All six
tickets, huh?

Pretty good,
huh?

Keep on truckin',
jerry.

- keep the tape.
- oh, thanks.

I'm really sorry
about your head, dude.

- see you later.
- yeah.

You know what
she is?

Nervy.

No, Jackie,
you know what she is?

.

That music is
just noise.

It's a bunch of kids
making screeching, loud--
just noise.

What happened to music
these days?

Who the hell
are you, tipper gore?

Anyways, look,
these are pretty good lyrics.

Listen--
"don't need you to say
we're cute,

Don't need you to say
we're all right

Don't need
your protection

Don't need no
kiss good night."

At least these girls
are saying something,
you know?

Not like the music
we grew up with.

Remember
"take a letter, maria"?

Oh...

I loved that song.

You do not love
that, Jackie.

Have you ever
listened to those words?

It's about this guy
and he's screwing
his secretary,

And she still has
to take his stinking
letters to his wife.

She's getting
screwed twice.

No, it's about
the guy finds out

That the wife
is cheating on him.

Oh yeah, sure.
Go ahead and take
the guy's side, Jackie.

Okay, what about
uh...

"baby, baby,
don't get hooked on me,"

Remember that?
He tells her that
he'll use her

And then he'll
just set her free.

Use me, i'll set
you on fire, you bastard.

So all of our songs
couldn't have sucked.

What about all those
sweet guys,

Like donovan
and jim croce
and the beatles?

Yeah, the beatles
were good.

Remember they had that song,
"run for your life"
though?

Remember that song,
"run for your life,"
the beatles?

It goes,
"he'd rather
see her dead

Than to be
with another man."

That's all them
wife beaters need
is an anthem.

- all our music
was guy music.
- yeah.

Never did hear
a lot of women
on the radio, you know?

- till janis.
- oh well, thank god
for janis.

You know, I also
"learned the truth at ."

Not janis ian,
you idiot.

Janis joplin.

I like that one,
when linda ronstadt
came out with that song

- "different drum."
that was cool,
- yeah.

'cause for once
it says about the girl
leaving the relationship.

You know who was
really tough? Pat benatar.

Yeah.
And joan jett.

- chrissie hynde.
- oh, chrissie, yeah.

Oh, wait wait
wait.

I know we have this tape,
patti smith.

- remember? I got it.
- which?

( both singing )
♪ people have the power ♪

♪ people have
the power... ♪

Would you look at--
look at that.

Look at that idiot trucker
with the naked-woman
mud flaps.

That makes me mad.
I wanna get mud flaps

With a guy with
a great big beer gut
hanging on it.

That's gross.

Jackie, Jackie!
Look at the bumper sticker:

Save the whales--
harpoon a fat chick.

Pull up to him,
Jackie!

We'll show him
a little "bikini k*ll."

I'm there,
sister.

Hey hey.

So what? It's only
the most perfectly-
shaped women for you,

You big, hairy,
toothless, sweaty,
cross-eyed hog.

Man:
hey.

Hey, show me
your boobs!

- what's he doing?
- he's flipping
us off back!

Man, he's--

Women rule,
dirtbag!

( squeals )

Crazy--

- man: hey!
- ( squeals )

There's a motel
at the next exit!

Kiss my fat chick--

If you could get your
fat -- out of the car!

Hey stupid,
your lane ends
in '.

- i'll show you feet!
( screams )
- ( honking )

- ( loud bang )
- oh my god.

Oh my god, he clipped
the utility pole.

What do I--
do we stop and exchange
name and numbers?

This is no time
to try to get a date, Jackie.
Floor it!

Damn,
I can't call Dan.

The phone's dead.

I can't believe
what you did.

What
did I do?

I had an honest,
intellectual discussion
with a trucker.

We made him
veer off the road!

( police sirens )

Oh my god,
they found us.

It's the heat,
it's the fuzz,

It's the man.

Man, they found us
fast.

Too bad we didn't
call them,

Then we'd still have
another minutes to work with.

They're coming over here.
Now let's get our
story straight.

Okay, we were
at mcdonald's,

You had
the quarter pounder
and cato had the filet o' fish.

( whines )

Is there a problem
here, ladies?

Oh, no.
I just had
to pull over to--

- I nurse my baby.
- whoa.

Well, we just got word
that a car that fits
this description

Was involved
in an incident
with a big rig.

It seems that
someone made an
obscene gesture

To the driver,
causing him to veer
off the road

And smash into
a utility pole.

Does that
sound familiar?

As someone who
has worn

The steel shield
herself,

I can assure you
that there is nothing more
to talk about here,

Is there?

You mean, other
than your involvement
in the incident.

Hey, do we look like
the kind of women

That would
flip off a trucker?

Okay, we do,
but it wasn't us,
I swear.

Lucky for you nobody
got hurt, but this is
serious business.

Yeah, you're right.

Well, why don't
we discuss it right
after I switch sides here?

Okay, well,
it seems that you two
have learned your lesson,

So why don't you just
promise me you'll drive
straight home, okay?

- okay.
- you got it. You got it.

We won't even stop
at the stop signs!

You know,

I admire the way
you cops get up,

Hit those streets
every morning

Taking on those
bloodthirsty crazy
maniacs out there.

That's nothing
compared to going home
to my wife every night.

Mark, I don't want you
to get the wrong idea.

I wouldn't trade
a minute of my time
with Mrs. Conner.

And when you're old
and beaten down,

You'll get to say
the same thing.

Yeah, but what keeps
you going? What do you look
forward to?

About once every
years or so,

You get to spend
a peaceful hour alone.

I guess i'll give it
another sh*t with Becky

And i'll give you
your hour and all.

Thank a lot,
Mark.

I'll do the same
for you when your
hour comes up.

♪ hot dogs,
armour hot dogs ♪

♪ what kind of kids
eat armour hot dogs? ♪

♪ well, fat kids,
skinny kids, ♪

♪ kids who climb
on rocks ♪

♪ tough kids,
sissy kids, ♪

♪ even kids with chicken pox
love hot dogs-- ♪

I'm back.

So soon?

What do you mean so soon?
It's almost : .

Not on the west coast.
Get back out there.

So how'd it go
out there?

Well, if the cops
don't show up in the next
half hour,

Pretty good.

Look at him.

He's sleeping
like a...

Like a baby.
I guess that's where
that comes from.

What went on
around here tonight?

Oh, nothing.
I just had to teach Mark
how to handle Becky.

Handle Becky?

It's not like
she's a sports car, Dan.

Men don't handle
women, okay?

That's one of the things
that's gonna change
around here.

What went on
on the road?

There's a revolution
out there we didn't
even know about.

It's about women
taking control,
you know?

It's about being
a riot girl.

The oil light
went on, didn't it?

No.
A wake-up call
went off and I heard it

Loud and clear.

♪ I had
a hot dog... ♪

♪ an armour
hot dog ♪

♪ I wish I woulda ate
my armour hot dog ♪

( theme music playing )