( harmonica wailing )
I'm sick of turkey
for thanksgiving.
- yeah, how come it always
has to be turkey?
- where does that come from?
( sighs )
you have to start
cooking it on labor day
To get it ready
for thanksgiving.
Let's just get a ham.
It comes already cooked.
( crying )
I don't think that sits
too well with the boys.
How about a pot roast?
Boring!
All right,
it's gonna be turkey.
- ( coos )
- ( toy squeaking )
Jerry garcia
wants turkey, don't you?
'cause he knows
turkey's tradition.
'cause it costs
like ¢ a ton.
So, we need yams
and cranberries...
Yeah, so they can
match the stains from
last year's tablecloth.
Now to recap the list--
Oh, and what kind
of rolls do you want?
Do you want the kind
that shrivel when they burn
Or the kind that
burst into flames?
Well, flames are
more fun for the kids.
And holidays
are for children.
All right then.
We have the flaming
rolls, check.
Salad, check.
Sodas, check.
Hey, would you get me
some earplugs too?
So I don't have to
listen to Darlene gripe
About the slaughter
of innocent turkeys?
- thanksgiving
gets on my nerves.
- big time.
It's like you finally
get your weight down
to something comfortable,
- and boom,
it's thanksgiving.
- yeah.
Family you can't stand
visits from out of town.
You gotta pretend
you like 'em.
Then of course mom starts
guzzling the chardonnay.
Everybody sits
around seeing who can
tell the biggest lie.
And it starts with mom
and the pies.
She says that she bakes them
And everyone knows
that she buys them
Because they don't
even fit in the pan.
I think thanksgiving's
just a man's holiday anyhow.
Wait wait, Roseanne.
If we catch 'em
while they're young.
Oh, you don't have
anything worry about,
Jackie,
'cause they're gonna
be side by side
With their mommies
in the kitchen
Helping cook up
a great big feast.
Amen.
You tell it, sister.
You know,
men invented football
Just so they could
get out of doing the dishes.
That's right.
And they claim
that it's a tradition.
A tradition, all right--
us slaving over the hot stove
Serving the meal
and then cleaning up the sink
full of dirty dishes after.
Yes, and then
the men get to
Pass out and eat all
they want and collapse
Watching the dallas
cheerleaders.
Okay, so to recap
the holiday:
We've got mom gettin' tipsy
lying about the pies,
Cheap yams that have to be
topped with marshmallows
To move 'em at all,
Darlene gripin' about meat,
And the men passing out
in front of the of tv,
Everybody else getting
in a huge fight.
All in all,
it's not a bad holiday.
( theme music playing )
( Roseanne laughing )
Well, Mr. Turkey,
Tomorrow's the big day!
We'll roast you up,
set you on a platter
And then we'll
be the ones going
"gobble gobble gobble!"
( laughing )
Get it?
Well, you had to
cut off his head
And pluck him
and truss him,
But you finally
found an audience.
Hey, chief.
Have fun at your
thanksgiving pageant.
Yeah, break a leg.
Oh, don't feel bad
you can't come.
I mean, it's my fault.
I really should have
told you sooner.
That's okay.
D.J., there's something
I have to tell you.
What?
We are coming!
Get your coat, Dan!
Done!
No way! I mean, you're
just gonna embarrass me.
Like the time you
drank that kid's pop
at the science fair.
How was I supposed to
know he was dissolving
coins at the bottom?
Besides, it bumped you
up to honorable mention.
But what about the baby?
( laughs )
there's not a babysitter
dumb enough in town
To come to this house.
Luckily for you,
your dear sweet grandmother
Volunteered to babysit.
I like my other
grandma better!
Suck up all you want, d.J.,
but we're still going.
( whining )
come on!
I mean, this is really
important to me.
I mean, we've been
rehearsing for months.
( crying )
I mean, it would mean so much
to me if you didn't come.
Sorry, Deej.
But other kids have to deal
with disappointments like this.
It's about time you learned
that we won't be able to miss
all your school events.
But we will try our best
to skip your graduation.
Come on, Deej,
it could be worse.
Someone you really
hate could be coming.
Yeah, someone like...
Nice skirt, loser.
Let's go.
This day couldn't
get any worse.
"x"...
Thanks for the "x-files"
that we watch.
"y"...
Thanks for "you"
who came to see us.
"z"...
Thanks for the "z"s that dad
catches on the couch.
Thanks for the alphabet
that only has letters.
- we're done.
- ( applauding )
Darlene, you just
missed my eye.
Yeah, I know.
I'm a little off today.
This is the dullest
thanksgiving program ever.
We're definitely
bringing liquor to
the christmas pageant.
Sorry i'm late.
What'd I miss?
The knicks
against the celtics
and "n.Y.P.D. Blue."
Oh, you mean here.
You didn't
save me a seat.
Uh, could you
move over one seat?
( chuckles )
oh, i'm not getting up.
This ought to be good,
she looks like a bleeder.
If I were you...
I'd get up.
Oh, it's good to be back
in the old auditorium.
Those drama classes were
Some of my
sweetest memories.
There's nothing like
the rush of an ensemble,
Young artists
honing their crafts.
You know, Jackie,
all you did
Was pull the curtain
up and down.
( laughing )
"all I did!"
Man over p.A.:
good evening, everyone.
Our last presentation
of the evening
Comes from the th-grade
history class.
I hope you enjoy it.
The great river flows.
The mighty wind howls.
Let me take you back--
back to a time
When the harvest
was bountiful
And the sun
shone brightly
Across the peaceful
native plains.
Curtain went up
way too fast.
Not smooth at all.
Jerky.
Well, maybe
the curtain-puller
Found out that you
were in the audience
And just freaked
under the pressure.
My father, we have prepared
vast amounts of food.
Surely it is more
than our group needs.
You are right,
running deer.
Let us invite
the strangers
From across the big water
to join us,
For they have
no food themselves.
Bring on our brothers
From faraway land,
They who call
themselves saints,
To join us and celebrate
the great harvest.
Welcome, brothers.
Share in our
bountiful feast.
Looks like there's
not enough seats
at the table.
Then we shall
make more benches.
Nah.
Let's make some
dead indians!
( surfer music playing )
( shouting )
Stop!
We invited you here
in peace and harmony.
Looks like we're gonna
have to get medieval
on this savage.
Pow!
( groaning dramatically )
( grunting )
( whistling, applauding )
All right, d.J.,
way to die!
All right!
I'd like to introduce
our teacher Mr. Hill.
( scattered applause )
So, how long you been
pulling the old curtain?
This was
my first time.
I don't mean to be rough,
but it shows.
- you mind if I give you
a couple of pointers?
- uh, actually--
You want to develop
a smooth, fluid rhythm.
Don't pull
the curtain up,
Let the curtain
pull you down.
And that way you can
take a piece of that
applause for yourself.
I am so proud
of you, son.
You d*ed real good!
That was really
a cool play, d.J.
And i'm not just
saying that because...
It's the only play
i've ever seen.
Hey, mom!
People are watching!
I've been there, Deej.
Safest thing to do
is just go limp.
( Dan chuckling )
Jeez!
( huffs )
God, Roseanne,
could you believe how
horrible that play was?
What are you talking about?
I give it two thumbs up.
And a couple
other fingers too.
Well, i'm just sorry
I let my son be in it.
It was nothing
but violent propaganda.
Hey, the play was violent
Because that's the way
everything was back then.
Or don't you
rent videotapes?
Did I hear you
just defending that?
Do you know what
that was? Drivel.
Yeah!
Drivel and tripe.
Revisionist drivel and tripe.
And that's the worst kind.
I can't believe that
you guys still believe
All the stuff they
taught us in high school.
Man, i'm just
glad I was out
In the smoking area
the whole time.
Listen, believing that stuff
in those history books
Is what got me
where I am today--
Assistant director of sales
for the midwest division
Of mohawk mutual and life.
Look, american
history comes down
to a couple of words--
People came here
for the freedom.
Excuse me?
Yeah, well...
Uh...
All i'm just saying is...
That I don't
want my tax money
Going towards this
kind of v*olence in school.
Oh, come on.
I mean, v*olence
is the only truth
That can cleanse the corrupt
bourgeois establishment
Of its hypocrisy
and inequality.
That's communist talk!
No, that's college talk.
Her first shift selling
lawn furniture at wal-mart
Will cool her off.
So, did you folks
all enjoy the play?
Oh, I thought
it was great.
Yeah, I thought
it was pretty cool.
Thanks for your support.
You know, but some
of the people here
are kind of upset
Because the story
doesn't seem to agree
with the thanksgiving story
They read on
the butterball wrapper.
Excuse me.
But it just so happens
That my great great
great grandmother
- was an authentic...
- both: cherokee princess.
Hey, i'm sorry.
There's no such thing
As a princess
among native people.
You are so busted.
And your roots
are brown.
( gasps )
You've got to admit
those pilgrims were brave.
They came over here
and discovered america.
How can they discover
america if my people
already lived there?
You know, that's like
me going outside
And discovering
someone else's porch.
Yeah, that's like
the time my husband
Shimmied up
the telephone pole
and discovered cable.
I thought it was
pretty cool, you know?
But I have to tell you,
I will never laugh
at "f-troop" again...
No matter how funny
that larry storch is.
Don't even get me
started on "f-troop."
I mean, i've never seen
an indian person ever go
Woo-woo-woo-woo-woo!
You know, i've seen
drunk rednecks do it a lot.
You know,
the pilgrims came here
Because of
a religious conflict.
And now there's still
a religious conflict.
Catholics are upset
with my people
Because we stole their most
sacred ceremony... Bingo.
Let me tell you about
the real thanksgiving.
This is what happened:
you see, a long time ago
When my people
met the pilgrims,
They called
themselves saints.
English people sure love
to give themselves titles.
( dogs barking,
birds twittering )
My father, we have prepared
vast amounts of food.
Surely it is more
than we need.
You're right, my son.
Let's invite our brothers
from across the big water.
They who call themselves
the pilgrims,
To join us in a feast
of thanks for giving.
Come, my brothers.
You're welcome.
Who's elk horn
do I have to blow
To get something
to eat around here?
Hill:
it's true the pilgrims
were starving and we fed them.
We also taught them
how to grow corn and how
to survive.
And we could have
taught them so much more,
But they
stopped listening
Because what we had to say
didn't go along
With how they thought
men and women should be.
I saw ye!
Thou was having
impure thoughts.
For shame!
No, I-I was not.
I was-- I was just--
Yeah, I was.
Now, son,
Thou knowest
what this means.
Grab ye a switch
and flog thyself.
I get impure thoughts
when I do that too.
Listen here, young man.
Let me explaineth it for you.
You see...
Male-female interactions...
They are but
for one purpose only--
The production
of children.
Besides, i've heard
it is nothing to be enjoyed.
Not if it's done right.
Luckily, i'm barren
so my husband and I
Have never been
forced to have sex.
Praise be to god.
Both:
amen.
Yay.
Praise be to god.
Yes, I understand now.
I will go flog myself.
These people have
no lawyers, g*ns or money.
Ah. There's
nothing to stop us
From making this
our own golf course.
They have strong backs,
they'll maketh fine caddies.
Here, come
and enjoy our bounty.
Bounty...
"the quicker picker upper."
What a bunch
of buckle heads.
Why don't you sit
at the table with the men?
Nix nix.
We are trying to keep
their weight down
For the swimsuit portion
of the miss pilgrim
competition.
We waiteth our turn
and happily pick off
their bones.
The men always eat first.
But there's enough
food for everyone.
Hey, chief, chief.
The system worketh.
Watch. Oh, dear!
Go waiteth thou
in the woods
Until I have
finished eating.
When I am finished,
I will call thee.
Yes, husband.
To the system.
Men:
to the system!
( speaking native
american language )
Don't you knock?
Sorry.
Come in, young one.
Nice hut.
I've been watching
you and your people
And she
would not approve
Of imbalance
of your spirit.
She? She who?
Our mother earth.
The earth is a woman?
No, that's nothing
but heathen talk.
I'll tell you
how the world works.
There is one god.
He's in heaven
sitting on a throne
So he can damn everything.
The end.
Daughter, sit.
I have much to tell you.
Heaven and earth
are the same.
Man exists with woman.
He's part of woman.
Woman gives life to man.
I cannot understand
what you're talking about.
Well, you
should understand.
You're a woman.
Women give life
Like the earth does.
You thought all this up
while you were just
Sitting here
in this hut?
Well, I get out some.
The occasional walk,
you know.
Dan:
Rose anne!
We art leaving!
( sighs )
I don't know what to do.
I would love to stay here
and learn more from you.
Well, then buy my
cassettes in the lobby.
Dan:
Rose anne!
Who is that?
That's my husband,
Newton gingrinch conner.
The three sisters
are beans, squash and corn.
And?
And they knew if they
planted them all together
they would grow taller.
And?
And I hate having my teacher
over for thanksgiving!
( laughs )
Well, this has been great.
Yeah, especially since
we invited you and you
brought all the food.
I'll say.
What are you doing next year?
Well, you made
that delicious turkey.
All I can say is...
Thanks for giving.
This may be a little late,
but on behalf of the pilgrims,
thanks for feeding us.
Thanks for helping us
to understand more
about your culture.
But your people are
doing a lot better now
What with the casinos
and the cigarettes.
Well said, Mrs. Harris.
- hey, Mr. Hill.
- yeah?
Why don't we do
the friendship dance?
Friendship dance?
Uh, floyd?
Well...
I just happened
to bring my drum here.
The drum is the heartbeat.
- ( drumming )
- I usually don't dance
till after the last call,
So you'll have to lead.
Here, i'll show you.
Nobody leads.
Nobody leads.
Hey, I get it.
This is like that
jewish dance, the hora.
( chuckles )
And the hokey-pokey!
One people.
We do this at
the senior center!
( singing )
This is called
"the laughing song."
and it's for you, little buddy.
( singing )
( all laughing )
Yay!
( theme music playing )
08x08 - The Last Thursday in November
Watch/Buy Amazon Merchandise
Explore life, death and everything in between through the relatable, hilarious and brutally honest lens of the working-class Conner household.
Explore life, death and everything in between through the relatable, hilarious and brutally honest lens of the working-class Conner household.