08x09 - Of Mice and Dan

[bunniefuu]

( harmonica wails )

Oh, Dan,
tell Roseanne

I borrowed
the double boiler,
not the stew pot,

And the ladle,
not the slotted
spoon, okay?

You want me
to write that down?

Jackie was here...

Took stuff.

- got it.
- Dan.

I'm serious,
because Roseanne
might need the ladle

And I just want
her to know that
I have it, okay?

Jackie has the ladle.

We have a ladle?

Hey, I knew it,
I knew it.

There's still one
credit card company willing
to take a gamble on us.

Well, melanie mcphee,
customer relations,

You're about
to lose your job.

And she so
looked forward
to working with us.

Hey hey hey.

Ray wilson
sent us two tickets

To come and see
him play in Chicago.

Stingray wilson, wow.

Wow. Man,
did you even know
he was back in town?

Yes, I have
heard something
to that effect.

Oh, those were good
times when you used
to play for him.

Not for him,
with him.

Some people thought
I carried him.

Yeah, right.

Like ringo carried
john, paul and george.

I held my own with him,
didn't I, Rosie?

Yeah, remember
that time you guys played
the county fairgrounds?

You rocked that place.

That was after
I left the band.

Oh.

Well then who the hell
was I making out with
after the show?

You know what, Dan?

I'm starting
to remember now
and you were good.

You were really good--
really really good.

Don't patronize me,
Jackie, because I
really was good.

Rosie, you remember
those gigs we played
at the sportsman's lodge?

We packed
that joint five
weekends in a row.

Yeah, I remember
you would have had six,

Yes, is that so
hard to believe?

Yeah.

A little, 'cause--

No, sir.

( theme music
playing )

( laughs )

Hey, d.J., what do
you got there?

Mice.

Ho ho.

Hey, guys.

Oh, d.J.,
they're great.

What are you
doing with these
cute little fellas?

I'm bringing
them to sell to
the research lab.

What?

I'm raking
it in too.

Look, last batch
got me this watch.

D.J., it's blood money
and it's wrong.

I think your parents
should know about this.

Hey, wait wait wait.

Now what would
it take to keep you
quiet about this?

You're trying
to buy me off?

You know, darlene's
birthday is coming up.

You could probably use
a little extra cash.

I don't need
it that bad.

I'll just get
her something
nice and simple

With the money
I do have.

Yeah, darlene's
pretty understanding.

Remember last year when
all you did was give her
a ride into the country?

Now exactly how long
did it take you to walk
back from the country?

( sighs )

( stammers )
mice do eat a lot
of really fatty foods,

Like cheese,

So they probably
wouldn't live that
long anyway.

Yeah, okay,
whatever.

Let's see here.

This ought to
about cover it.

Here, put a nice
pretty bow on it.

I'm trying really
hard not to notice

That you're sending me
some nonverbal message.

That or you've
got rabies.

Okay, fine,
you want to get
into this?

Jackie made that
comment about ringo.

It made me feel
like a complete idiot.

You were standing right
there and you didn't even
come to my defense.

I gave her
a dirty look.

You call that
defending me?

It wasn't just
any dirty look, Dan.

It was my combination
nostril flare,

Lip curl
and half a squint.

Go spit.

If you think
i'm talented, say it.

I think
you're talented.

You're just
saying that.

God, your old
singing buddy comes
back into town

And now you're acting
like your whole life has
been a big mistake.

Not my whole life,
Roseanne.

Oh, so it's
my fault, right?

I had to
make a choice.

You made me
feel like if I went
on the road with ray,

You wouldn't be there
when I got back.

This isn't about
joining a band, Dan.

You're using that
as some excuse to avoid
what's really going on here.

What's really
going on here?

Do the words
"midlife crisis"

Mean anything to you?

You are making
no sense.

Yes, I am, Dan.

You are
the very same age
my dad was

When he took up
with that mistress.

Yeah? Maybe I should
check and see

If his mistress
is still available.

Well, I think enough
has been said here.

- good night.
- good night.

You mean we're
both actually going
to sleep in our bed?

Yes, if there's room.

( sighs )

You win.

( phone ringing )

Hello?

Hello.

David, you've
got to help me.

A couple of the
mice got loose.

If my mom finds out,
she's gonna k*ll me.

If two mice live
and one little
boy is k*lled,

Justice has
been served.

Hmm.

I wonder what
animal rights activist
Darlene would think

When she found out
that you drove me

Down to that lab
with those mice.

You wouldn't tell her.

"Darlene,
he just sat in the car
counting his money

While his furry friends
were butchered."

I've got to get
my own place.

Hey, how many is
a couple of mice?

.

You know, you both
can't be the horsie
at the same time.

Morning, Jackie.

Yikes. You guys
aren't talking to
each other, are you?

Wow, your powers
of observation

Never cease
to astound me.

No, actually,
Dan thinks that
I ruined his life.

Because of me,
he did not get
to pursue his great dream

Of being the king
of rock 'n' roll!

I did not stop Dan
from being a musician.

I know that.
Believe me,

I could've stopped him
if I wanted to

But I didn't.

Did I?

Of course you didn't.

Did you?

I mean,
did Dan ever once
stop and think

That maybe
I gave up some
of my dreams too?

Yes!

When you were
eight you wanted
to be a magician.

And then you wanted
to be the flying
nun for a while.

Well, who didn't?

Okay, i'm gonna
get going.

Just give me
the tickets and i'll
get out of here.

- what tickets?
- the tickets to see
ray wilson play.

You gave her
our tickets?

Hey, you guys
are talking again.

No, I didn't just
give her the tickets.

She had to promise
to help me throw all
your crap out.

Well, I still want
to go, and i'm going.

Oh, you are going,
all right.

So then, looks
like it's just you
and me, big guy.

Or actually
why don't you just
go on your own?

And you have
a good time, pal.

You probably
should cut down
on your salt, Dan.

That's what
k*lled elvis.

Okay, guys, what are
we looking for?

Well, if you don't
tell anybody-- mice.

( gasps )
oh, god.

Okay, well.

Good luck
to you both.

( laughs )

I found them.

Really? Cool!

No no, not cool.

Cats.
Lots of cats.

Cats eating mice.

It's a k*lling field
out there.

My business
is ruined!

That serves
you right, d.J..

What you were doing
was wrong, and you
were forced to stop.

While I mourn
for those little mice,

Those cats may have
done you a big favor.

You're right.

The lab pays
$ /lb for cats.

Here, kitty
kitty kitty!

( blues music playing )

Thank you.

Thank you.
Thanks a lot.

We're taking
a little break.
We'll be right back.

But remember
the more you drink,
the better we sing.

Oh man,
I love the blues.

I got to hang out in
blues clubs more often.

No you shouldn't,
Jackie, you would
just depress people.

I'm not kidding,
my life is the blues.

I've been chewed up,
spit out, rode hard
and put away wet.

If it wasn't
for bad luck, i'd have
no luck at all.

♪ da da da da. ♪

( door knocking )

Oh my god.

Roseanne, Jackie.

- wow.
- hey!

- great to see you.
- you too.

Oh, man. I thought
I saw Dan here.

How are
you two doing?

Oh, we're kind
of having a fight.

It's not that
same one you had
years ago, is it?

No, it's
a different one.

Of course, that one's
not over yet either.

So, stingray...
( laughs )

There's something
that i've always
meant to clear up.

You know when you
asked me out and I
told you I had a cold?

I've always
felt kind of
bad about that.

That's okay,
there's no hard
feelings.

I just feel
kind of bad.

You must've
really been hurting
'cause you went

And wrote that
whole song about
it and everything.

What song?

You know,
"run around,"
you know.

♪ when I saw
through the voice
of a trusted friend ♪

♪ who needed to humor me
and tell me lies... ♪

I really did
have a cold.

Uh, Jackie?

That song's
not about you.

I think it is,
Roseanne.

- tell her, ray.
- it's not about you,
Jackie.

( clears throat )

Okay.

All right, so--
good.

Never really cared
for that song anyway.

Don't worry about her,
she's out of her mind.

She thinks that
song "gloria" is
about her, too.

Boy, this feels
like old times.

Us backstage at
a gig, Jackie all hyper,
you and Dan fighting.

Yeah, well,
this fight's kind
of your fault.

You come back
to town a big star

And now dan's old
rock 'n' roll dreams are
keeping him up at night.

- really?
- yeah.

Well, that and me
hitting him.

We've been
pretty lucky,

What with the kids
and everything like that.

And we have a lot of
laughs together,

But it's not
the most exciting life

And I think dan's
starting to feel it.

The grass is
always greener, you know?
He'll get over it.

I don't know,
he's pretty down.

Hey, you don't think
that back then

That I wasn't
supportive about
the music, do you?

All right, then what
about the other one?

♪ god, I want
to touch you ♪

♪ in the place
you want to hide... ♪

Now that song was
about me, wasn't it?

Yeah, sure, okay.

I knew it, I knew it,
this is so embarrassing.

I've got to get
back out there.

Don't worry so much,
Roseanne.

( blues playing )

♪ stand and walk ♪

♪ stand! ♪

( music stops )

Thank you.

I want to do this
next number with
my old buddy Dan conner.

Let's see if we
can get him up here.
Dan, come on.

Oh god,
I hope he makes
it through this.

Don't worry
about it, Jackie,
he'll be great.

( guitar playing )

♪ come on ♪

♪ baby,
don't you wanna go? ♪

♪ oh, come on ♪

♪ baby,
don't you wanna go? ♪

♪ back to
the same old place ♪

♪ sweet home Chicago ♪

♪ oh, come on ♪

♪ baby,
don't you wanna go? ♪

♪ I said come on ♪

♪ baby,
don't you wanna go? ♪

♪ well, to the same
old place ♪

♪ sweet home Chicago ♪

♪ well,
one and one is two ♪

♪ six and two
is eight ♪

♪ come on, baby ♪

♪ now don't you
be late ♪

♪ hidey-hey ♪

♪ baby,
don't you wanna go? ♪

♪ back to
the same old place ♪

♪ sweet home Chicago ♪

♪ come on ♪

♪ baby,
don't you wanna go? ♪

♪ I said come on ♪

♪ baby,
don't you wanna go? ♪

♪ back to
the same old tale ♪

♪ sweet home Chicago. ♪

Thank you.

Put your hands
together for Dan conner.

You know, Dan used
to be in the band,

But he split 'cause
he found a better gig,

And that better
gig's over there.
Take a bow, Rosie.

Oh god,
I bet i'm next.

It's good to see
two friends who really
got it together

And love each
other a lot. And Dan
you've got a great gig.

Hey, that was
my buddy Dan conner
singing up there.

Best man
at my wedding.

Came here
in the same car.

Hey, Rosie,
join us.

Hey, bob,
leave us.

So, uh, you like
what you heard?

Yeah, you know
i've always been
your biggest fan.

I was thinking about it,
and maybe it is true.

Maybe I did
hold you back.

You didn't
hold me back.

You don't have that
much power over me.

Okay, you didn't have
that much power over me.

I just wanted
to be with you.

I'm not your dad.

Yeah, I know.

( blues playing )

♪ oh, once upon
a midnight dearie ♪

♪ I woke with something
in my head ♪

♪ I couldn't escape
the memory ♪

♪ of a phone call
and what you said... ♪

♪ suck it in,
suck it in ♪

♪ if you're rin tin tin
or anne boleyn ♪

♪ make a desperate move
or else you'll win ♪

♪ and then begin
to see what you're doing ♪

♪ this m.T.V. Is not
for free, it's so p.C.
It's k*lling me ♪

♪ so desperately
i'll sing to thee of love ♪

♪ sure, but also
rage and hate and pain
and fear of self ♪

♪ and I can't
keep these feelings
on the shelf ♪

♪ i've tried, well,
no, in fact I lied ♪

♪ could be financial
su1c1de but i've got too
much pride inside ♪

♪ to hide or slide
i'll do as i'll decide ♪

♪ and let it ride
until i've d*ed and only
then shall I abide ♪

♪ by this tide of
catchy little tunes of
hip three-minute ditties ♪

♪ I wanna bust all
your balloons, I wanna
burn all of your cities ♪

♪ to the ground,
i've found I will
not mess around ♪

♪ unless I play, then hey,
I will go on all day ♪

♪ hear what I say, I have
a prayer to pray, that's
really all this was ♪

♪ when i'm feeling
stuck and need a buck,
I don't rely on luck ♪

♪ because the hook ♪

♪ brings you back ♪

♪ I ain't
telling you no lie ♪

♪ the hook ♪

♪ ooh ooh, yeah ♪

♪ on that
you can rely. ♪

Thank you.