08x11 - December Bride

[bunniefuu]

( harmonica wails )

That was the most
horrible disgusting meal

I've ever had
in my life.

You should have been here
on sushi night.

Oh, great, he pays me
with a check

And then stiffs me
on a tip.

It's not enough
that I have to work
here all morning.

Now I have to follow
him home and drive
all over his lawn.

We'd fire her,
but she's got the best
attitude on the staff.

Listen, I don't blame her.

I put myself through
college waiting tables.

I know how it can
grind you down.

Yeah, but at the end
of the day that $
in loose change

Just makes
it all worthwhile.

Mind if I have a look
at that guy's check?

You really shouldn't
have to put up with
that kind of behavior.

You know, when I was
waiting tables
in college,

I could tell you
stories that'd curl--

Hello, Mrs. Sloan?
Hi, this is scott.

I'm the desk clerk
at the come and go motel
over in elgin,

When you and your husband
were in here last time,

Unfortunately you left
some of your private
garments behind.

You weren't?

Well, aren't you a busty
-year-old blonde?

Whoops!
My mistake.

Wow, he stiffs me
for a tip

And you destroy
his marriage.

That's awesome.
Hey, I got more checks.
Let's do more.

( chuckles )

I thought
you'd enjoy that.

You look like you've ruined
a few lives in your day.

I think I should
tell you that i'm
a married woman.

However, i'm not
a fanatic about it.

Well, i'm taken
myself... Almost.

The wedding is Saturday.

Speaking of which,
I have to order a tux

And buy some flowers.

What's the quickest way
to get over to frank's
florist from here?

I wouldn't go
to frank's if I were you.

- you know that guy
that was here?
- yeah.

That was frank.

Well, the dumpster
behind spiegelman's
funeral home.

And I don't think
you'd find anything
good to wear

At that tuxedo shop
on main st., either.

Unless you're one
of the commodores.

Man, you are good.

So are you nervous?

Well, yeah, I guess.
Sort of.

We were supposed
to get married five
years ago,

But I got left
at the altar.

I just don't want to
have it happen again.

What kind of a horrible
bitch would dump you?

- scott.
- hi, honey.

( theme music playing )

( Roseanne laughing )

Why didn't you tell me that
you were getting married?

Because you are you.

Yeah, but you
didn't tell anybody.

Because, Roseanne,
it would have gotten
back to you,

And again,
you are you.

- so this is Roseanne.
- mm-hmm.

Prove it. Do that thing
where you spew bile

And scare young children.

Oh, I only do that
at the christmas party.

So what in the hell
is wrong with you

To leave a terrific guy
like this at the altar?

You know, Roseanne,
I don't think this
really concerns you.

Why don't you just
waddle away, huh?

And oh, look, crumbs.

You know, you could do
so much better.

I mean it.

Even in a small town
like this one,

He is
at the very bottom

Of the h*m* heap.

Well, that sounds
like fun.

So, scott,

Did everything work
out all right up
in Minneapolis?

It went fine. My family
minister's perfectly
willing to marry us,

But we do have to fly
to minnesota

For a few days
of premarital counseling.

- I can't fly
to Minneapolis.
- what?

I have to meet
with the wedding planner.

There are still tons
of stuff to do.

Wait a minute.
Maybe Roseanne
can work with him.

She seems to know
everything there is to know
about planning a wedding.

No no no no no!

Roseanne is not to be
trusted with anything
that involves cake.

Come on, Leon.
I'll do it for free.

And I have not
said those words since
my own wedding night.

Did you hear that?
Roseanne will plan it
for free.

Of course, we'll have
Roseanne plan our wedding.

You know, i've always
dreamed of a ceremony

That would culminate
in a hog fry.

Hog fry?

What, is the governor
coming?

But just think,
with the money we save

On the wedding planner,
we could afford that
honeymoon trip

In the bahamas
we've always wanted.

Well, scott, I was
thinking we'd be going
to greece, myself.

You can grease yourself
in the bahamas.

- just think,
this time next week...
- you're right.

We could be snorkeling
in the nude.

Snorkeling, huh?

Well, I guess you
learn a new word
for it every day.

Oh, Roseanne!
She's terrible.

Come on, after what
you did to me last time,
you owe me.

All right, I will do it.
For you, scott.

I will itemize exactly
everything we need

- and where to get it.
- don't you worry
about it, Leon.

I'm gonna do a great job
for you guys, because
you know what?

I've always thought
of you as the middle-aged
obnoxious gay son

- that i've never had.
- ahh!

So have you ever
been fitted for chaps?

David, roseanne's
at the reception hall.

She wants to know how
the seating chart's going.

Hey, Mrs. Conner.
Yeah, it looks like
each table's

Gonna be boy, girl,
boy, boy,

Boy, boy,
boy, boy

And boy.

Okay, and i'm checking
on the male strippers.

I can't stop looking
at these guys.

They're so clean
and shiny.

So who's it gonna be?
Rod, lance or shaft?

Dan, you got a second?

I need you to check on
a stripper for me.

Those aren't strippers.
Those are guys.

- what are you guys
looking at?
- radial tires.

Oh, wow,

Cool!

Cool?

Why would you look
at those pictures
and say cool?

'cause this one's
my math teacher.

Cool.

What's with
the strippers anyway?

Is she throwing Leon
a bachelor party too?

No, they're for
the reception.

She's gonna put them
in cages on either side
of the cake.

I thought Leon wanted
something modest
and tasteful.

That's why they're
in cages.

She's gone way overboard.

Somebody's gonna
have to sit her down
and set her straight.

I didn't mean me.

Okay.

Where in the hell have
you been? The wedding
is in an hour.

The flight was delayed.
I'm sorry. I got here
as soon as...

- whoa.
- what's the matter?

No, nothing.
It's just that
the sight of you

In tasteful surroundings,
Roseanne--

Kind of startling.

This is nothing.
They wouldn't even let
me decorate out here.

Wait till you see

The main hall.

♪ hey,
we're never gonna ♪

♪ go away ♪

♪ can't you see we're
really here to stay? ♪

♪ hey,
we're never gonna ♪

♪ go away again. ♪

I do not believe this.

( gasps )

Or this, or this.

What is--
this is-- this is--

What--
what is this?

Oh, well,
they didn't have anything

With two grooms, see?
So we broke off the bride

And then we replaced it
with one

Of the action heroes
from "pocahontas."

- Roseanne,
what is all this?
- it's a gay wedding.

This isn't a wedding,

It's a circus.

You have somehow managed
to take every gay stereotype

And just roll them up
into one gigantic,

Offensive,
roseanniacal

Ball of wrong!

Relax,

Nobody gets the wedding
they really want.

Now look, I need
a picture of you
for the newspaper

And not that retouched
one where you look like
joan van ark.

It's off.

What do you mean?

I said the wedding
is off!

Well, of course
it's a little off.

It's two guys
for god's sake.

Oh, did anybody here
lose their hearing aid?

Here, this is yours.

Seems like everything's
going well.

- where's Leon?
- locked in the bathroom.

He locked himself
in the bathroom?
What, is he, like, crying?

He might be by now.
I locked him in there.

- what?
- he was gonna leave.

Apparently, he thinks
that I went too far

With this wedding.
Isn't that ridiculous?

Oh, hi, Roseanne.

- here's the happy groom.
- please, not too loud.

My buddies took me out
and got me drunk last night.

Oh, I remember
when I needed buddies
to get drunk.

Roseanne, I want you
to say hello

To two very
special people.

This is leon's mother.

This is reverend crosley.

And my name is scott,
and I may be an alcoholic,

And i'm going to
greet people since my
hand is shaking anyway.

Oh, Roseanne.

Leon's told me
a great deal about you,

But the polaroids

Didn't quite prepare me.

How wonderful it is
that you were able to get
that house off

Of you in time
for the wedding.

And you must
be the reverend.

I hear you're
just terrific.

Well, thank you.

People do find my ceremony
to be quite inimical,

Though it's
taken me years

Of premeditated consecration

To bring it to its
ultimate contraception.

Look at this place.

Have you ever seen
such a horrific display

Of blue-collar
tastelessness?

You got a big
busted vein right
in your nose.

Reverend, would you
care to see me
to my seat?

It would be
an extinct pleasure, ma'am.

Hey, now that
the other groom's here,

Don't you think you ought
to let Leon out
of the bathroom?

Well, actually, Dan,
I was hoping you
would do it, see?

Because as soon
as you open that door,

He's gonna bolt.
So you are gonna
have to tackle him

And then drag him
down the aisle here

And try to make it
look like you're
giving him away.

Honey, I think you
ought to tone the wedding
down like he wanted.

No, this is my wedding,

And he is lucky
I cast him in it.

Roseanne, I know you
wanted this wedding
to be a certain way,

But if you don't do
something, there isn't
gonna be a wedding.

It's gonna be all
your fault and you know
who's gonna suffer?

- me.
- fine.

Nancy, come here.
Now you guys have to
stall the guests

And keep them entertained
so I can go to the bathroom
and talk to Leon.

Now if you hear
any screaming,
just tell everybody

That yoko ono
is warming up.

These people need
to be entertained.

I need to entertain.

It's a good thing
i'm a giver.

Hello,
wedding people,

And welcome.
First, let me compliment you

On your
impeccable grooming.

You know, I had
a little dilemma myself

Trying to figure out
what to buy

For two queens
getting married.

Hey, you,

With the pink limo:

I'll give you $
to back that thing
through this wall.

- oh.
- all right, you win.

I will totally change
the wedding, okay?

You can have
your nice quiet,
boring ceremony

And I don't care.
While people are yawning,

I'll just throw peanuts
in their mouths.

I am not getting married,
Roseanne.

Did you hear me?
Wake up.

I said no lizas,
no judys,

No antonio banderas
matchbooks.

This is not about
the decorations.

I mean, as hideous
as they may be,

That's not the reason
that i've been...

Throwing up every morning
for the past week.

Oh my god.
You're pregnant.

It's not funny,
Roseanne.

I'm just not ready
to get married.

Oh, come on, you're just
getting cold feet.

Is that what happened
to you before?

No no no,
last time was different.

I was young
and I was immature.

You were .

Whatever. I don't know.
Well, if you'll excuse me...

No way. You're not gonna
do this to scott again.

You're right.

What was I thinking?

I mean, scott deserves
better treatment than--

First time I stop you.
Second time I k*ll you.

What is the matter
with you, Leon?

I mean, jeez,
next to your hair plugs,

Scott is the best thing
that's ever happened
to you.

Well, right,
but unlike hair plugs,

Marriage is permanent.

No it isn't.
I wake up every
single morning

Knowing I could leave
Dan if I wanted to.

I'm just
too damn lazy.

Well, then w-w-what if he
doesn't like my cooking?

- then eat out.
- well, what if I can't
stand his mother, huh?

- then stay in.
- okay.

Scott says he is not
himself in the morning
until he has a pop-tart.

Well, what if they stop
making pop-tarts, huh?
What will I do then?

- listen to me.
- I will be living
with a person...

- they will never stop
making pop-tarts!
- ...Who isn't himself.

Okay, then how
about this?

Hmm, ready?

What if I am not
even really gay?

You couldn't be any
gayer if your name
was gay gayerson.

Oh, yeah?

Well, you just think
about it, young lady, hmm?

I hate to shop.

I am absolutely
insensitive.

I detest barbra streisand.
And for god's sake,
i'm a republican.

But do you like
having sex with men?

- well--
- gay!

Oh, yeah?

I'm gay.
Let's do it.

( organ playing )

Are you okay?

I guess so.

I mean, if he's happy
then i'm happy.

It's just that years ago

When I pictured
my son's wedding...

I certainly didn't
have this in mind.

Yeah, this probably
is weird for you
being the mom.

But, you know,
i'm sure when you
pictured his wedding,

You also pictured him
marrying somebody

That really loved him.
And that is what's
happening here.

You know, love is love.

I suppose.

And besides,
you're getting a nice
addition to your family.

That's my son-in-law
over there.

Ouch.

Ouch.

Ouch.

Oh, oh,
i'm so sorry.

Nearly beloved,

We are gathered here today
to join this couple,

He and he...

In the bonds
of holy alimony.

Now I had some very
apportionate remarks

Here somewhere.

I love you,
you know?

I know.

And you love me,
right?

I love you in a way
that is mystical

And eternal

And illegal
in states.

That's the most beautiful
thing i've ever heard.

So you really
want to do this?

Yeah.

In sickness
and in health?

Till death do us
both part.

Sure you can handle it?

No.

It's gonna be great,
you know?

Yeah, I know.

Boy, that all
sounded good to me.

Let's move right on.

Do you, Leon,
take this scott

To be your awfully
rabid husband?

To escalate,
to cherish,

To fax?

I do.

( sighs )

And do you, scott,

Erratically agree
to all the same stuff?

I do.

Then by the power
encrusted in me,

I now pronounce you
man and...

I now pronounce you men.

Amen!

You may kiss the bride
if there so be one.

It doesn't matter.

And there's the kiss.

I was wondering if
they were gonna do it,
and they're doing it.

Yeah, look at 'em
go at it.

They are not going
at it, Dan.

It just happens
to be two people
of the same sex kissing,

And there's nothing
wrong with that.

- hi.
- hi.

( theme music playing )

( Roseanne laughing )