08x12 - The Thrilla Near the Vanilla Extract

[bunniefuu]

Kinda nice being here
before the store opens.

Very peaceful.
Very still.

Shh, there's
a deer over there
by the brillo pads.

Good morning,
ladies.

Parkin, manager.

Nice to see you're
right on time.

Yeah well,
that's 'cause I have
to leave early.

Now where can we go
to sit and drink coffee?

Apparently in your car.

All right.

Here, let me show you
the demonstration area you'll
be working right down here.

We're expecting
a huge crowd this weekend,

And if you
saw the circular
in today's paper,

You probably
know why.

Oh, they got a newspaper
on the weekdays?

Yes, they do.

Here are two new products
we're rather excited about

That you'll be giving out
samples of today.

"soyasausage" right here,

And cheese in a can.

"'soyasausage,'

America's first
meatless all-vegetable

Sausage-like product."

Cheese in a can.

"cheese..."
( clears throat )

"in a can."

All right,
i've got a lot to do
so i'll make this brief:

Offer one sample
to the customer.
Just one.

Let them try it,
then suggest that
they buy some

To take home, you see?
Sound good?

Sounds very good.
Mr. Parkin,

Is there a particular
type of customer that we
should be looking for?

I like your pluck.

All right,
let's talk
demographics.

Each shopper,
we find, is looking
for something different.

Women in their s are
looking for quality,
for example.

Women in their s
and s are looking
for affordability.

On the other hand,
men in their s are--

Are looking for
women in their s.

Hey, how much are
we getting paid?

$ . an hour,

Wow, I couldn't
be more excited

If I knew
how to multiply.

So if I have
a really good day,

I could pay for all
those christmas presents
I just bought.

Right, 'cause
they were what?

¢ a unit too.

Well, good luck,

And just remember
the three rules of
product sampling.

Chase, tackle,
thr*aten?

Smile, sample...

Sell.

Whatever.

Okay, so...

Which one do
you want, Roseanne?
The soyasausages?

Oh yeah,
you would like that,
wouldn't you?

'cause nobody's
gonna buy that crap.

Besides, if I go home
smelling like sausage,

Dan will never let me
get any rest.

Smile, sample, sell.

Smile, sample, sell.

Well, hello there,
Mrs. John q. Shopper.

Smile.

Would you like to try
some of our soyasausage?
Sample.

Why don't you take
some home for your family?
They're bound to enjoy it.

Sell.

Sweet damn it,
it works.

Oh, relax, Jackie.
You don't have to do
anything.

People will eat cotton
in a supermarket

As long as there's
a toothpick in it.

Hey, did you know
you could cure cancer

With three cups
of hot water and a pepper?

Yeah, I know we
just took these jobs

To bring in a little
extra cash,

But that doesn't
mean we don't have
to take it seriously.

All right.
I am ready.

Skillet's nice and hot.

I got the toothpicks.
I got the napkins.

Everything is handy
within reach.

I got my backup here.

People are gonna
start flooding through
that door any second.

Don't you think
you ought to get
your area ready?

Come and get it
before it hardens.

( theme music playing )

( Roseanne laughs )

You know, Dan,
since i'm helping you
with this linoleum and all--

Yeah yeah, i'll help
you put new linoleum
in your trailer.

Who cares
about that, man?

I wanna be the first
person to slide across
this in my socks.

You'll be wearing
pants too, young man.

Hey, Deej, I thought this
might help you draw that cat
for your art class.

Now you can use
these pictures to study
bone structure,

Musculature,
coloring.

It's a cat calendar.

I know.
Look at March.

This is from .
I can't use this.

All these cats
are dead by now!

That is not true.
They're on a big farm
with a nice cat lady.

- besides, i'm done.
- well, wait a minute.
Let me see.

D.J., you were supposed
to draw a cat.

- read the bubble
over his head.
- "meow."

Sounds like a cat to me.

Dan:
David, d.J.,
get in here a minute.

D.J., I think you can
do a lot better

If you'd just
apply yourself.

- you wanna be proud
of this, don't you?
- I am proud of this.

You try holding a cat
down with one hand

And tracing it
with the other.

Now... I've got
a very important job
for you guys.

You stand
in the corners

So it doesn't roll up.

And if it does roll up,

Don't worry,
we'll get you out
of there, man.

- hey, Mark,
what time's the movie?
- : . We gotta get going.

D.J., you're just gonna
ditch your art project
to go to some movie?

Yeah, he is.
Van damme is so cool.

You know why?
His last name's
a cuss word.

Mr. Conner, I don't think
d.J. Should go to a movie.

Look, he's hardly
put any effort into
this art project.

Is that so?
D.J....

Is this the absolute
best you can do?

- yes, sir.
- cool.

- here's some
popcorn money.
- thanks, dad!

Mr. Connor, you just
let d.J. Blow off
his homework

To go watch some
horribly violent movie.

D.J. Doesn't have
a problem with v*olence.

You've met his mother.

Now run and get me
some more of these
encyclopedias.

Oh, and try to keep them
in alphabetical order.

I don't wanna spend
all day putting them back.

Mmm, smell,
everybody.

Smell.

That full-bodied aroma
is created by our thoughtful
blend of spices.

You know...

I don't mind getting up
a little early each morning

To cook soyasausages
for my big guy.
Yeah.

My husband thanks me
in a thousand different ways.

A knowing glance,
a gentle touch,

It just makes it
all worthwhile.
( laughs )

Mmm, soyasausages.

( laughing )

There we go.

Another sucker,
another ¢.

Okay, now the trick
is to aim it right down
the center aisle there.

You gotta give it
some arm too,

'cause them
are two-liter bottles
right there.

And i've been
doing this for a while.
You guys should start small,

Like with a cornish
game hen or something.

Now... Okay.

Strike!

Here's a silly question.

Could you stop
doing that?

I suggest you try

Taking your job
a little more
seriously.

Try to be more
like Jackie here.

Well well well.

You know, Roseanne,

You stand in back
of that skillet,

And you feel all that heat
and all that pressure,
and you wonder why.

And then one day,
the clouds part,

And the manager throws
a little bit of sunshine
into your life.

And then you
realize that he's only
a grocery-store manager,

And all the clouds
come back.

This isn't bad.

Oops, got a fish
on the line.

Not bad?
Why, soy is god's
gift to arteries.

That's a lovely blazer
you're wearing.

That really brings out
the color in your eyes.

Oh well, i'll take
three boxes.

Oh, three?
Okay.

Hey, that's really
a great-looking sweatsuit
you got on there.

It kind of matches
the rug in my husband's
pickup truck.

What's on the crackers?

Oh, well, today we're
sampling some delightful
aerosol cheese.

It's great, I love it.
I've been eating it
all day.

Just the one day?

You're so witty.

How many would you like?

This cheese stuff sucks.

I wanna do them.

You picked the cheese.
That was your choice.

You must be going
crazy from the soy fumes.
You picked the cheese.

Okay fine, switch.

No biggie.
I finally found
something i'm good at.

I can sell anything.
I'm crazy Jackie!

I must be insane!

You know what
my advice to you is:

Just do
the best you can.

It's not a competition.

It is now.

Hey! Hey, kid,
get over here and eat
some of this.

It's soy-tastic.

Hey, these are good.

Why don't you go
and tell your mom

To come over here
and buy a few boxes
from me?

Oh, my mom's not here.

- well, do you got
any money?
- no.

Well, get out of here.

I'm sorry,
but this is not a cat.

This is an amorphous smear

Of existential
nothingness.

Oui oui!

( french accent )
now let us retire to henri's

And speak of revolution!

Well come on, Mr. Conner,
does this look like
a cat to you?

D.J. Says it's a cat,
it's a cat...

Recovering from a stroke.

Made all the more
tragic by his having
no neck or legs.

This is not a cat.

( french accent )
you're boring me.

He put zero effort
into that.

He should be home
right now redoing it.

I already told him
he could go to the movies.

That way when I rent it,
he can point out where all
the good nudity is.

And then you let him
go with Mark, of all people.

- so?
- so... Mark--
mark's Mark.

Maybe one of the reasons
d.J.'s so lazy about
his schoolwork

Is that he hangs around
with a guy like Mark.

What's wrong with Mark?

I'm just saying that
mark's probably not the best
role model in the world.

You certainly don't
want d.J. Taking after him.

Why not?

Mr. Conner,
i'm trying--

No, why wouldn't I want d.J.
To be a standup guy

Who busts his ass
to support himself
and his wife?

Mr. Conner,
all i'm saying is that--

No, I know what
you're saying, David,
and I think it stinks.

Mark may not be einstein,
but you know what?

He makes the most
of what he's got.
He tries.

That's more than I can say
for some people around here.

Who, me?

Wow, smart guys like you
catch on real quick.

Hey, I try.

No, David.
You don't try.

You work part-time
at a pizza parlor,

And you spend
the rest of your life
sitting on the couch

Making ironic comments
about everybody else.

Irony's for people
who don't do anything.
You get my drift?

Mr. Conner,
we're talking
about d.J.

Yeah, and you know what?
The truth is

I'd rather have him
hang around with Mark
than with you.

Excuse me,
i've got work to do.

Look at me!
Look at me!

I can barely keep ahead
of the demand!

Well, try to stay ahead
of this demand--

Shut up.

It just kills you

That I might be better
than you at something.

Actually, Jackie,
there's a lot of things
you're better than me at:

Finding unavailable men,

Setting unreachable goals,

And ass-kissing.

What have you got there?

Soyasausages--

They're not
only good tasting,
but good for you.

I haven't eaten any
and I feel like crap.

Cheese in a can,

It's really good.

And because these
are made without pork,

You'll be tops
with your jewish pals.

Ooh.

Yes, cheese in a can.

It's really
really good.

Now that's what's known
as marketing, Roseanne,

And, man oh man,
am I good at it.

You want marketing?
I'll show you marketing.

Attention, shoppers!
Try soyasausages.

Almost as good
as the cheese,

But without
the spider eggs
and hair.

That is not true!

Truth has no place
in marketing, Jackie.

And they cure cancer.

Soyasausages--
the food of demons.
Eat it and go to hell!

Yeah, where you'll meet
the inventor of cheese
in a can!

Yeah, nice try,
Roseanne.

Nice try.
In fact...

That was just...

"grrreat."

Oh, Jackie.
You and your
silly tricks.

But as everyone knows...

( laughs )

Trix...

Are for kids!

M&m chocolate candies--

They melt
in your mouth...

Not in your hand.

You know, the best part
of waking up, Jackie,

Is folgers in your cup!

( chuckles )

Dishwashing liquid.

( cackles )

You're soaking in it!

Say it!
Say it!

Okay, all right!
Fine!

You're better than me.
There, madge.

Five years ago--

Five years,
at uncle wong's,

I was handed a fortune that said
"someday your hidden talent
will be revealed."

Today that fortune
has come true.

Congratulations, Jackie.

You know how
to sell cheese.

Ha-ha-ha.

Ha-ha!

- oh Jackie?
- what?

Got milk?

( laughing )

Hello, ladies.

( laughing )

How's your day?

I see you're
really throwing yourself
into your work here.

Very impressive.
( forced laugh )

Get out.

You mean we don't
work here anymore?

I don't even think
I work here anymore.

That's fine then.

So who do we go see
about getting paid?

- can I give you
a hand with that?
- no, I got it.

Mr. Conner,
i've been thinking
about what you said.

It really made
a lot of sense.

So i've decided
I need a change.

I need a big change,

So i'm gonna move out.

Look, I didn't mean
to be that hard
on you earlier.

Hey, i'm not asking
you for an apology.

I just don't know
why the hell you
got so upset.

- you don't?
- no.

You mean in that
deep sensitive soul
of yours,

You can't understand
why I might be upset

When you rip apart Mark--

A guy that
doesn't read much--
he's not book smart--

But who works
real hard every day
at the Lanford city garage

To support his wife
and his family?

You can't understand
why that might not upset me?

I think I can.
( stammers )

I'm a little scared
to say it now.

Mr. Conner,
i'm sorry.

I should not have
put Mark down like that,

And I certainly didn't
mean to put down
anyone else.

Yeah.

Forget it.

And you're right,

I should get off the couch
and apply myself more.

Yeah, that's good.

So are we okay now?

Yeah, we're cool.

You know, Mrs. Conner
is gonna love this
new linoleum.

No no no no.
Don't tell her it's new.

See, every couple
of years or so

She asks me to clean
behind the stove,

And i've always found
that doing this is
much easier.

So, David,
what's your time frame?

- for what?
- for moving out.

But we just sort
of made up and everything.

Well yeah, I know,
but you're the one that
said you should move out.

Yeah well,
I just said that

So that you could
talk me out of it.

I think we're
just holding you back
by letting you live here.

- oh, no you're not.
- yeah, we are.

I mean, it was great
when you were in high school,

But now you're a man.

No i'm not.

I know it's
hard for you to hear,
but you are a man.

Stop saying that.
I said I was sorry.

David.

David, you didn't think
we were gonna let you live
here forever, did you?

I don't know.

Not "forever."

Come on, David.

It may take me awhile
to find a place.

That's okay.
I'm not kicking you out.

Yes, you are.

Yeah, I guess I am.
( laughing )

I've never had
to do this before.

All the other kids
couldn't wait to get
out of here.

So then shouldn't
my loyalty buy me

An extra month or two?

Done.

You're gonna
be okay, David.

Yeah.

Okay, Dan.

Yeah, you'll see.

It'll be fun.

A couple,
three months from now,
you'll be out on your own.

You'll have a job.
Before you know it,

You'll start feeling
more grown up,

Just like
your brother Mark.

Wee!

( theme music playing )

Good evening, everybody.
I'm verne lundquist,

And welcome to beautiful
Lanford, Illinois,

Where fans are going wild over
what they hope will become
a new olympic sport.

And here comes
our first competitor
onto the floor now.

Scott hamilton--

An olympic champion
and a gutty little
competitor,

Has left the ice behind

For the exciting new sport
of linoleum sock skating.

Now watch--
he's going for the triple wally
with the split twist!

Well, he backed off.
Might have been worried about
that kitchen cabinet.

Wonderful!

And now here comes
the hometown favorite--
Mark healy

For the pas de deux
portion of the routine.

A beautiful maneuver.

This is an important day
for Mark healy.

He missed
the nationals last year

Because he got
on the wrong bus.

And here comes
the finale...

Lovely.

Well-deserved bows

For national treasure
scott hamilton,

And for Mark healy,
hard-working dumb guy.