08x17 - We're Going to Disney World (1)

[bunniefuu]

Well, last day
on the job, boys.

So tomorrow when
we come in to have our
free coffee and doughnuts,

It won't
technically be legal.

Hey, Dan, I just
wanted to thank you

For taking me with you
and bob on this new drywall
job that you got.

Well, Mark,
we looked at a lot
of applicants.

We found out you were
the only one married
to my daughter.

So I guess i'd better pack up
all my personal stuff

And take it home.

( exhales )
there.

You'll miss
this place, Dan?

I don't know, bob.
I'll have my memories.

( chuckles )
like this--

I bet i've stapled
office memos
with this thing.

And how many times
have you guys come in here

And caught me using
this crazy tape dispenser?

( chuckles )
i've never seen
you use that.

Pens, pencils,
paperclips--

Memories,
memories, memories.

Well, I guess
that about does it.

I'm gonna call Rosie
and tell her i'm on
my way home.

- ( sighs )
- tell you one thing, Mark,

The city of Lanford
is losing a great asset
right there.

I'm sure they can get
another stapler, bob.

Hey, honey.

Yeah, we're
just about done here.

No, I just wanted my last
call from the office
to be to you.

I love you.

Okay, bye-bye.

I guess that
about does it.

This is Dan conner...

Punching out.

I can't believe
we forgot this.

( theme music playing )

( Roseanne laughs )

Hey, Rosie.
Come here, I wanna
show you something.

Okay okay,
but this better
be good,

Because they're showing
that "full house"

Where they think one
of those little twins
is dying.

Looky here.
It's our massive
accumulation of bills.

- i'll get
the lighter fluid.
- no no no no.

Reagan.

See here where it says,
"amount enclosed"?

I thought it might be fun
to put a number in there.

- why?
- because we can.

Look at this.

Not only did they give me
last week's pay,

But I got my unused
vacation time

And drew the money
out of my pension fund.

If I had known all you had
to do to clean up like this
was quit your job,

I'd have done
it long ago.

I've never even seen
a check for that amount
of money before.

What does that comma mean?

You know,
if we pay everything off,

We'll finally
be debt free.

So we gotta
be smart here.

I say we pay
half the bills
and split the rest

Between an aggressive
money market

And a conservative
mutual fund.

( both laughing )

I was practicing that
all the way home.

Yeah, but you know,
I think you're right.

If we're going to invest it,
we shouldn't put it all
in one place.

I say we put half of it
into the mattress

And the other half
in tomato cans

Buried under the bush
in the backyard.

Well, wherever we put it,
it's gotta be safe
and secure.

We really do have
to make a mature decision
about this.

Yeah.
I wanna go to paris!

I hear that the french people
are really rude and they
hate americans,

So I will, like,
totally fit right
in there.

Roseanne.

Yeah, I know.
That's stupid.

But what about England,
or, you know, Italy,

Or china,
or even canada?

But not canada,
because we can already
buy their bacon here.

I know!

I've got it.
I've got it.

There's someplace
we could go

To see all of these
places at once.

International house
of pancakes.

No, but i'll give you
two hints.

Florida,

And the happiest
place on earth.

We're going
to gator world.

No, you idiot.

Disney world.

It's perfect,
because they have that
epcot center thing, okay?

So, like, say you're
in Italy and you get
really bored.

You just walk over
to china, okay?

I know for real
that in the real world

That would
actually take days.

We can't blow
my hard-earned cash
on a vacation.

I hear they
have something

Called a beer garden.

Hot dog!

It'll be so great.
We'll take the whole family.

Oh...

Them.

No, think about it, Dan.

Becky's applying for college
and darlene's gonna be
graduating soon.

This is probably the last
chance we will ever get
for a family vacation.

Well, we could sleep
on it I guess and--

Hey, everybody!
Cancel next week!

We're going
to disney world!

We can discuss it
in the morning.

Maybe...

Can we just do this
meeting without Becky?

In fact, while we're at it,
can we do everything
without Becky?

No, she's part
of this family.

We're not having
a family meeting
without her.

Besides, I just called her.
She'll be here any minute.

Did I hear right?
We're going on vacation?

Announcer:
ladies and gentlemen,
the role of Becky,

Originally played
by lecy goranson,

Then by sarah chalke,
then by lecy goranson,

Will be played this evening
by sarah chalke.

The taking
of flash photographs

Or use of recording devices
is strictly prohibited.

Disney world?
I've always wanted
to go there.

Aren't you glad
that you're here
this week?

Wait, isn't
that the place

Where happy families
go to have fun?

We're not letting
that stop us.

Can Mark go?

Damn.

He is family.

Sure.

What about aunt Jackie?

Of course.
She's family.

I'll be in the basement,
I guess.

Oh, David,
get a grip.

Of course you're family.

Oh, I love mickey mouse!
I love mickey mouse!

I love mickey mouse!

You will stop that now!

Your job is to contact
a travel agent

And make sure you get us
a really good package deal.

Okay, we've got
a lot of prep work

That needs to be done
before we can make
this happen.

For instance,
we need to pack
our clothes.

Darlene, go down
to the luggage store.

Look in the dumpster
in the back, bring
us the boxes.

Becky, your job:
get to the airport early,

Collect a lot
of those carts

And turn the quarters
over to me.

What about the baby?

Oh yeah, well somebody
does need to take care
of the baby.

Now that person will not
be able to go on any
of the rides

And will have to sit
there every single day

Listening to the rest
of us talk about how much
fun we're having.

So that's gonna
be pure t*rture.

We'll get mom.

- what's my job?
- cancel the paper.

You mean cancel
the neighbor's paper.

Well, that would be
the paper, Dan.

Okay, while i'm at it,
i'll also shut down

- the gas,
the electricity, the water.
- we're not moving.

Sorry, i've never done
this before.

Okay, well,
we're all set.

Mom.

Oh yeah.

Start practicing
your limp,

Because we're gonna
wanna park close
to the terminal.

No, school.
I don't think my teacher's
gonna let me go.

We're supposed to make
a model out of something
from ancient greece

By next week.

I don't think
I could live with myself
if I just blew it off.

Well, you are not
going to spoil our
family vacation, okay?

You are a conner.

You are skipping school,
blowing off that project.

Now you sit down here.

Turn on that television,
watch it,

And think about
what you just said.

Okay, Mrs. Conner,
I found us a great fare
to orlando,

But they only
have six seats
and we need eight.

So should we go ahead
and order pet carriers

For d.J. And Mark?

Children children
children,

Pay very close
attention here.

I'm about to pass on
an old family secret.

( clears throat )

Hello, yes,
i'm going to need
to cancel my reservations

For the : flight
on Sunday to orlando.

My name is smith.

Oh, damn.

( clears throat )

Yes, hello,
this is Mrs. Miller.

And i'm going to need
to cancel my reservations

For the : flight
on Sunday to orlando.

It's not?

Well, perhaps it's booked
under my maiden name.

( mumbles )

Yes, that's right.
Habib.

Yes, that is it.

Cool, thank you
very much.

Oh no, I won't need
to reschedule at all.

Praise allah.

Call them back.
I think they got
an opening now.

Yet another federal offense
i've witnessed in this house.

Man, everything
is totally coming
together, and why?

Because I am
the puppet master.

Roseanne,
don't k*ll me.

Everyone wants
something from me.

Big trouble.
I've been going over
the diner schedule.

There's no way
we can get out
of our shifts.

Leon can't work
extra hours

And nancy's taking off
to go to the erotic
cartoon festival.

I tried calling
former employees,

Temporary agencies--
there's nothing
we can do.

Damn it.
Wait a minute.

I'm surprised I didn't
think of this earlier.

( blows )

( swooshes )

- there.
- what'd you do?

I just made our problem
into leon's problem.

So I hope he handles
it better than we did.

So how is the reservations
there, David?

We are all booked
to orlando, Mrs. Conner.

- or should
I say, "Mrs. Habib."
- ( both squealing )

Well, grab
your veils, gals.

We are going
to disney world!

( all cheering )

Look, I told you.

The pilot said
he's flying as fast
as he can.

No, it's not about that.

It's just my family
is spread out all over
the place.

You think you could
ask this nice lady

If she'd move?

No. And thank you for
making us your airline.

Well, where are we
going to go first?

Let me get the map.

Here, hold this.

Dan, could you take him
to see mom for a minute?

Yeah, sure.
Excuse me.

Whoa, he's gained weight
since this morning.

Pardon me.
Sorry.

Hey...

Did I miss a belt loop
back there?

- hey hey, Dan.
- yeah?

How come we're not
all weightless?

We are.

I'm just wearing
special shoes.

There's my little jerry.

Oh, what's wrong, honey?

- give me
the juice, Roseanne.
- ( jerry crying )

Yeah.
David, heads up.

Man, disney world is huge.

Jackie, the blue part
is the water

And the brown part
is the land.

Why don't we make
this home base?

Yeah, that's
a good idea.

Okay, everybody,
listen up now.

If we get separated
or you get lost
from the herd,

We'll all meet up
in fantasyland.

( chuckles )
wait wait.

What do you mean
"if we get separated"?

I mean this is
a family vacation, Darlene.

We have to all
stick together.

You're kidding, right?

I mean, i'm not
flying miles
with you people

Just to sample waffles
from around the world.

I don't believe her.

You will stick
with the herd,
young lady.

Come on, dad.
We have to split up.

So what are you
telling me?

That you all
feel like this?

Hey, I have felt
that way since I was four.

Can you believe my kids
not wanting to be with me?

That is shocking.

I'll be with you, honey.

Damn it, Dan.

I took care of every
single problem that would have
ruined our family vacation

Except one--
our family.

I gotta go check
on my baby.

Here, guard these pretzels
as if they were potato chips.

So, mom,
is he okay?

Yes, but I think
he misses his mommy.

Excuse me,
if you slide into
that seat right there,

Then maybe
I can get by.

- ( crunches )
- ( gasps )

Oh man,
i'm sorry.

I hope that was
a cheeto I stepped on.

Whatever it was,

It doesn't work
anymore anyway.

Come on, jer.

Come and take
a walk with mama.

There's mommy.

Aw.

I think it's
so wonderful

That men like you
have found a niche in
the airline industry.

Your brothers and sisters
are a bunch of ingrates.

Now I know how
the queen mother feels.

Wow.

Hey, now this is living.

Look at the size
of these seats.

I knew I wasn't dreaming.
It's true.

Rich people are fat.

Oh, look at this.
It's got a footrest

And the best magazines.

Man, this is
like supercuts!

Hey, have you seen
your mother?

No.

And hasn't this been
a wonderful flight?

She went that way
through those curtains.

Through those curtains?
The first-class curtains?

No conner's ever
been through those
curtains before.

Yeah, well that's
where she went.

Well...

I'd better go after her.

How do I look?

Oh, boy.
Mom and dad
up in first class.

Guess they won't
be taking any pictures

For the brochures
on this flight, huh?

What's going on?
They're still up there.

Why hasn't that
flight attendant
kicked them out?

Well, it's probably
a little hard to do
when you're hog-tied.

They probably got
arrested and handcuffed

The minute they
went up there.

Mark, go check on them.

Okay.
Whoa.

Yeah, good idea, Jackie.

Send a lifeless probe up
to make sure it's safe.

God, I can't believe
you guys are trying to get
my husband in trouble.

Why wouldn't
you believe it?

I was the one that
put the plastic g*n
in his carry-on.

Hmm, still nothing.

( chuckles )
bye.

Maybe there's
no front to this plane

And they're just--

They're just walking
off the edge.

Well, in that case,
i'd better get on
the air phone

And warn
the village below.
Come on, David.

- no no, Darlene, no.
- come on, David.

Isn't there
a cover charge
or something?

If they're all sitting
up in first class,

I'm gonna sneak
up there too.

I'm joining you!

No, mom!

Mom!

Mom!

( theme music playing )

Oh, stewart!

My towel's
beginning to cool.

Ooh, oh,
ow ow ow!

Ow ow ow
ow ow ow!

No no,
not for my hands.

I want that one
on my feet.

Sir, sir.

You actually cut
the crusts off of these?

Can I have them?

Mom, what is this?

Oh, well that's what
fish looks like

Before they cut
it up into sticks

And deep-fat fry it.

I wouldn't eat it
if I was you.

Hey, bud.

Bud, you sure it's okay
for us to stay up here?

Oh yes.
The other passengers
all took a vote...

And insisted
that you stay up here.

Isn't that great, Dan?

We make friends
wherever we go.

( belches )
I love it up here.

This is my th glass
of fresh-squeezed
orange juice.

My stomach
kind of hurts.

You know, this is
pretty great, mom.

Yeah, listen,
we were thinking that maybe
it would be kind of cool

If we spend a little time
together as a family

Once we get there.

Yeah, you know,
not the whole time.

You know what they say--
nothing in excess.

No, really.
People really do say that.

Oh, you guys,
that is so nice.

I am so excited.

We're going on
a family vacation.

Man, it's
totally awesome!

Ooh, everybody!

Channel
on your headsets--
nipsey russell!

( all laughing )

( theme music playing )