08x22 - Ballroom Blitz

[bunniefuu]

Man, there's just
so much to do to prepare
for this wedding.

We still have
to get flowers,

Hors d'oeuvres,
a church.

Well, maybe you should
ask Darlene to do
some of it

If you weren't
so damn whipped.

Well, I think
the first order
of business--

Mom, you're only allowed
one suggestion per hour.

And your last one
counted as two, because it
went on for too long.

Mom, some guy just
delivered this for you.

Well, I didn't order that.
Did you give him any money?

- no.
- oh, okay.

Well, put it down there.

Saw your commentary on tv

About how hard it is
to find a descent
wedding cake.

Sincerely, albano's bakery,
third and main.

- feel free to mention
us on your show.
- ( chuckles )

Man, that's just
out-and-out bribery.

It's totally unethical
and chocolaty.

That cake won't last
until the wedding.

That cake won't last
till dinner.

So just because you mentioned
wedding cakes on television

Someone sent you
a free one?

Yeah, and they say
tv only adds lbs.

Whoa, I can see
my next commentary

Appearing before my eyes--

I was wrong
about bakeries.

Albano's on third
and main is a great one.

And I wonder where
I can get a descent
wedding dress

Or hors d'oeuvres,

Or a candy-apple
red pump

In a size /
with a low heel.

That's it.
My divorce is final--

Signed,
sealed, delivered.
I'm alone,

Legally forever single
till death do I part.

Hey, Jackie,
a guy in a long robe

Carrying a big sickle
was by here looking for you.

Go ahead and joke.
You're not the one facing
a life of solitude,

Or uneven mattress wear.

Come one, Jackie.
You'll find someone.

Who wouldn't want to
go out with you?

That's easy for you
to say, you little
frizzy-haired pollyanna.

Just to shave
a couple of years off
your miserable life.

I got to go

Work on this
seating chart now.

Yeah, make sure you put
me between the priest
and the florist.

Hey hey,
don't count out
that priest.

- times have changed.
- Jackie, I have just
the tonic.

Why don't you come
with me Saturday night

To my ballroom
dance class?

Why didn't
I think of that?

Mom, that's
a great idea.

I'm sure that the man
of my dreams is sitting
at home right now

Clipping on his bow tie
and strapping on his truss.

( laughing )

It's not just
for seniors.

There's plenty
of cultured

And delightful gentlemen
of all ages there.

I may be desperate,

But I haven't
sunk that low.

Oh really?

Hey, I cannot believe
that I am agreeing
with mom here.

You really should go.

I was reading
this big article

About how ballroom dancing
is making a big old comeback.

So you really
don't think it would be
a huge waste of time?

No more than
your marriage.

All right, i'll go.
All right.

I'm gonna feel
really stupid.

Oh, goody!
And i'll help you
pick out an outfit.

Plus perhaps we can
tease that hair

Into something
presentable.

Why don't you
try to tease it into
a nice set of boobs?

Roseanne, you might
like to come along too.

Dance is good exercise.

Hey, I am not divorced,

Single, desperate,
or lonely.

What the hell do I need
to exercise for?

( theme music playing )

( Roseanne laughs )

- hey.
- hey.

Mark, what happened
to your hand?

He was working the saw
and he almost cut
it off again.

Mark, what an idiot.

What do you
mean an idiot?
Didn't you hear him?

Almost.

Unbelievable.

Shouldn't you be sewing up
your wedding dress, mary?

Is he the dumbest guy
you've ever known?

I work at a construction
business, David.

I would have
to see a list.

Mr. Conner,
do you know anything
about wedding tuxes?

I mean, do you have
to wear underwear,

Or are they
built into the pants
like in bathing suits?

Oh, David,
I don't know.

I don't feel
like talking about
wedding stuff right now.

You're still
kind of angry

About this whole
pregnancy-wedding thing
aren't you?

I am making
great strides

In my acceptance of this
difficult situation.

Well good,

Because...

I really think
you're the greatest guy
in the world, Mr. Conner,

And I want you
to be my best man.

Oh, I don't know.

Well, I know
it's weird.

So don't answer now.
Just think about it,
all right?

Yeah, i'll get
back to you.

You're gonna
love me again one day,
Mr. Conner.

You'll see.

I'll get back
to you about that too.

Here we are.

- hello, agnes!
- hello, dear.

When we start dancing,
if you get confused,

Just follow her--
the left leg.

The right one
she just drags.

Oh, this isn't bad.

- there's people my age.
- I told you there would be.

- now let me
introduce you around.
- mother, stay.

Hi, i'm Jackie.
I'm new.

- hi, i'm roger.
- roger.

Hi, so nice to meet
a man who likes to dance

And who isn't,
like, a total troll.

Well, my fiancee and I are
taking dancing lessons
for our wedding.

In fact, that's why
a lot of people are here.

Oh, really?
Who exactly?

Well, our whole group.

Uh-huh, so...

That would be basically

Everyone under .
So, okay, well,

Gotta get back
to my mom.

So you and your fiancee
have a nice life.

You know,
I was once you.

And now i'm me.

So I will just
leave you with that.

Mother, every man
here is engaged.

Really?
Why, that's lovely.

Lovely?
Listen, old woman,

I washed these
hose out in the sink
and put them on wet

Because you told me
that there were going
to be guys here. Liar.

- liar!
- shh, here he comes.

( samba music playing )

- hi, g*ng.
- hi, hal.

- buenos noches.
- buenos noches.

- oh, hal.
- oh, Beverly,
is that a new scarf?

Oh, yes.
I knew we were going
to do the samba tonight

So I wanted to wear
something bold.

You saucy
little thing you.

- ( both laughing )
- oh, stop it.

- hal is flirting
with bev again.
- what else is new?

Well, of course
i'm flirting with her.
Do you know why?

It's because it makes
you girls jealous.

And when you get jealous,
your passions come out

And you dance
like tigresses.
( growls )

( both growling )

( chuckles )
wonderful.

Okay, everybody,
get ready.

We're going to do
the samba!

Hey!

( samba music playing )

( laughs )

Hi there, i'm hal.

- i'm Jackie.
- all right, let's move
those hips around,

Loosen them up.
That's good.

Oh, that's hot.
That is good.

All right,
come on, honey.

- you wanna try a turn?
- a turn?

- no, I couldn't possibly--
- yeah, sure.

- come on, do a turn.
- oh my.

That's wonderful.
Come on, let's do a dip.

( laughing )

You're wonderful.
What a natural you are.

- thank you.
- yeah, really.

Tell me,
are you gonna be
one of my new pupils?

Oh, hal,
I don't think so.
I'm not engaged

And i'm not decrepit.

Oh, don't say
that to me.

If you had a dagger,
you could plunge it
into my heart.

You are a big flirt.

With those big beautiful
brown eyes, I could be
anybody you want.

( both laughing )

Since you're not going
to be my student,

Maybe we can have
dinner together.

Uh, sure.

- what do you say, tonight?
- yeah yeah.

- after class?
- yes.

- a little bistro
that I know.
- all right.

Wonderful.
Excuse me for
a minute.

That's it.
That's it.

That's it.
One, two.

Is this it, hal?

Where did
Beverly go, huh?

That's beverly's scarf,

But you're not Beverly.

No no,
you're carmen
on the beach

Of ipanema.
Whoa, hey!

Man, look at all
this free stuff.

This tv scam
is the greatest thing
I ever thought of.

♪ da da da da da ♪

♪ the stores! ♪

Yes, I think at least six
of everything

You shamelessly
mentioned on the air has
been delivered.

That is not true.

I did not get
the bagel slicer,
the fry baby,

Or the -cubic-foot
frigidaire.

Which is almost enough

To hold
the conner family supply

Of breakfast meats.

So where is the stuff
you said you got
for the diner?

Oh man, you
wouldn't believe it.
The whole kitchen

Is full of free
hors d'oeuvres.

I figure the stuff
we recognize we'll sell
for a buck,

And other stuff two bucks.

( yawns )

How come you're so tired?

Are you having
that dream about
that giant monkey again?

No, I happen
to have been

Out dancing
all night.

Oh really?
So you met a guy
at mom's thing?

I was right.
Yeah, well, so who is he?
What's he like?

Well, he's...

He's a guy
that likes to dance.
You know the type.

You know,
he's got shoes

And that's
who he is.

Well, aside from
the likes-to-dance part,
sounds just like Dan.

There she is.
You shameless hussy!

You stole my man!

Stole your man?
What are you talking about?

Are you gonna deny
that you went out with
hal after class?

He asked me out,
so I went out with him.
What's the big deal?

So you just stole him
from your own mother?

You trollop!

My sister
and my mother

Are fighting over
the same guy?

The only thing
left for this family
is cannibalism.

I didn't steal
anybody from her.

The old bat's
out of her mind.

Floozy!
Jezebel!

Little miss
round heels!

Gee, Jackie,
doesn't that remind you
of your sweet- party?

So you think
this is funny?

Oh, I think everybody's
gonna think this is funny.

- ( car honks )
- damn.

There's that sample limo.

Well, I hope you guys
can keep this up

Till I get back from
my free hot-air-balloon ride.

You do know

That you and hal look
ridiculous together.

Mother, i'm not even
going to talk to you
about this.

What's wrong, Jackie?
Been out of circulation
too long?

Too scared to date
a man your own age?

I'm not scared
of anything.

Okay, there's
the rabbits.

Mom-- well, maybe
a part of it

Is that I haven't
been out there in
a number of years,

But so hal is
a really nice guy.

He's safe, you know?
What's wrong with that?

Well, you're not
serious about him.

- you're taking
advantage of him.
- mom!

You've been going
down there for two years.
You've never been out with him.

I've cleverly
paced myself.

And he was about
to make his move.

Last week,
instead of calling me bev,

He accidentally
called me "bed."

Well, there you are.

Mother, that's not
exactly a relationship.

You don't know
anything about hal.

Did you know he was one

Of the original
June taylor dancers?

Look, mom,
I know you like him,

But listen to me.
You weren't seeing him.

I was seeing him
every Saturday night

For the last two years!

And it's been wonderful.

We danced together.
We chatted.

And oh,
how we laughed.

You can still
do all that.

No, I can't.

It's ruined.

From now on,

I guess i'll just
spend Saturday nights

- looking at
television alone.
- mom.

I'll go down this week
and tell the gals.

And then my dancing days
are through.

Thank you, Jackie,

For spoiling everything.

( door slams )

You stole your mother's
boyfriend, huh?

Been there.

Almost cutting my hand off
the other day really got me
thinking about a lot of stuff.

Oh, yeah?
Like what?

Like what it'd be like
if I didn't have a hand.

Shouldn't he be getting
ready for his wedding?

- I mean, is he even
thinking about it?
- sure he is.

He's helping
Darlene with stuff.

He asked me
to be his best man.
He's on top of things.

He asked you to be
his best man, huh?

Oh, did I say
"best man"?

I'm sorry,
I got it wrong.

He asked me
to be his main man.

Whatever, it's--

David, David!

I've made up my mind
about being your best man,
and the answer's no.

I understand.
You hate me.

No, I don't hate you.

I mean, it's very nice
that you asked me.

I just think it would
be better if you asked
your brother.

Mark?

I don't like Mark.

That's it.
We just don't get along.

Aren't you supposed
to pick a best man you like
and get along with?

That's not even true about
the person you marry.

Now go on.
He's your brother.
Ask him.

Fine.

( groans )
I can just hear
his toast now.

"chicks are weird.
Let's chug!"

There you go.

Mark.

Hey.

So i've been
thinking about it,

And I want you
to be my best man.

Look, don't do me
any favors, okay?

I'm not doing
you a favor.

Look, you asked
Dan first instead of me.

Why?

Why?

Do you really
wanna know why?

- yeah, that's
why i'm asking.
- okay.

All right,
fine, Mark.

You tormented me
my whole life.

You know,
my first memory

Is of you stuffing me
in a piano when I was
three years old.

You stole my allowance.

You bent the spokes
on my bike.

You told every girl
I had a crush on
that I had fleas.

You did.

That one summer.

Face it, Mark,

You viciously bullied me

Until I was old enough
to figure out how to just
avoid you all together,

Which is why we are
the way we are today.

And you wonder why
I don't ask you to be
my best man?

Yeah, why not?

I just told you, Mark.

It doesn't matter.
I don't wanna be your
best man anyway.

- fine, then just say no.
- oh, you'd like that,
wouldn't you?

Oh, you're
driving me crazy!

Mark, come here.

Just say you'll
be my best man
and shut up!

Look at this!
You can't even
ask me nicely!

All right,
fine, Mark.

Don't be my best man,
all right?

Just k*ll me
and put me out
of my misery.

Look, if you're
that miserable,

I'll be your best man.

- will that
make you happy?
- yes.

It's good.
It's a good start.

Yeah, I mean,
we are brothers.

Yeah.

No way am I letting
you stuff that cake
in my face though.

You can't leave us, bev.

You're the sparkplug
for our little ensemble.

Please, ladies,
allow me to do this
with dignity.

I don't wanna end up
like ginger rogers

Dancing past my prime.

Well, ladies
of the chorus,

Adieu.

And where do you think
you're going, Beverly?

I just--
i'm quitting
the class, hal.

- quitting?
- yes.

You can't quit.

We need you.
I need you.

- you're like
a willow by a lake.
- excuse me?

You're like a raindrop
dancing on a windowpane

On a warm hot
summer night in August.

Oh, hal, that's what
jeff chandler said
to mamie van doren

- in "surrender
in September."
- oh.

You were so
wonderful in that.
What was your line?

"i'll pull
the car around."

But this isn't
a movie, hal.

It's my life,
and it's time for me
to get on with it.

No no, you can't
leave, bevvy.
You can't.

You're my favorite student.

You're not going
to leave me alone here
with all these old ladies.

- please don't.
- Jackie isn't old, hal.

Oh, her.
Well no, you raised
a very charming woman.

I mean,
very very nice,

And I like her,
but there's--

What are you saying?
You're not interested
in her?

Why should I settle
for a pale copy

Of the original?

Oh, hal, please.
Really?

Why drink grape juice,

When you could have
vintage bordeaux?

Oh, no.

I can't have you
disparaging my daughter.

She's a fine young woman
and mother.

And i'm sure her credit
rating will be restored
within the year.

Please, you must stay.

Should I?
Oh, I don't know.
I just don't know.

I'm not starting
this class without you.

My capezios
are in the car.

I'll be back
in a trice.

( chuckles )
wonderful.

All right, everybody,
tonight we're going
to do the rumba.

I'll be back in five--

Quicker than you can say
"xavier cugat."

Oh, hal, thank you.
Thanks.

- thanks, hal,
for doing that.
- she's such a sweet kid.

And I wanted
to thank you also

For the time that
we spent together,
you know?

I haven't been dating
for quite a while now

And it was very sweet
of you to help me get back
there in the game.

Are you kidding?
You're a beautiful woman.

Guys are gonna
be lining up.

You're like
a willow by a lake.

You're like a drop of rain
dancing on a windowpane

After a hot warm
summer August night.

Oh, hal.

And you--
well, you are like...

The last piece of pizza...

That everyone wants
and no one will take

Because who knows

How long it's been
sitting there?

Sure, kid.
Anything you say.

Oh, and, hal,
I just wanted to ask
one other thing.

You know, when we were out
dancing the other night,

And I don't know,
I just wanted to know,
am I any good?

You suck, baby.

( theme music playing )

Which is port
and which is starboard?

Well, that depends.
That depends on whether
you're coming or going.

I mean, normally the aft
is on the other side
of the stern.

And that's the bridge

So that you can get
from one side of the boat
to the other.

Would you like
a glass of champagne?

Love it.
Which way?

Here we are.
It isn't very much.

After all,
it's only a yacht.

Do you wanna see
the ashtray I stole
from the white house?

( theme music playing )