08x23 - The Wedding

[bunniefuu]

Wow, I can't believe
that today

Our little Darlene
is getting married to

Our little David.

Yeah, I can't decide
whether i'm losing
a daughter

Or gaining
a daughter-in-law.

So, any word
on nana mary?

Nobody's seen her since
the rehearsal dinner.

No, but remember
last time she went awol

And we found her
down at the mall diving
in the fountain for change?

Well, it's my last morning
as a single woman.

Not necessarily.
Right, Jackie?

So, how are
my friends doing?

Oh, they're still all
passed-out drunk in there,

But I still poke 'em
every so often.

- that sounds like fun.
- yeah.

The still-breathing
poke is okay,

But the wake-up poke
is gonna be great.

I'm gonna go
to becky's trailer

To check on David.
Can I bring you
back a possum?

No no no.
You are not
going anywhere.

It's very bad luck
to see your fiancee
before the wedding.

Did you see Fred
before your wedding,
Jackie?

You're not allowed
to see your fiance
before the wedding,

You've got to wear
something old,
and you've got to wear--

- mom, that's ridiculous.
- did you do any
of that, Jackie?

I got the tuxes.

Shh!

Don't wake up any
of these people

Until every flea
in this room has
found a host.

Ow! Ow!

Hey, it's nana mary.

Oh, hi, Rosie.

Hey,

Who the hell's
wearing my pants?

( theme song playing )

( Roseanne laughs )

- oops.
- yep.

We got the wrong
color tuxes.

Hey, you guys
look great.

I'd take your picture,
but i'm saving all
my film for the cake.

Damn, Rosie,
this wedding's giving me
a nasty case of heartburn.

Hey, I want you to know
that later on today

I'm gonna pull Darlene aside
and i'm gonna give her
the mother-daughter talk.

- good for you.
- yeah, but just this once,

I'm not also giving her
the father-daughter talk.

I'm doing my part.
I'm walking her
down the aisle.

Come on, Dan.
You've been avoiding her
for six weeks.

You've got to stop acting
like she's pregnant
and has to get married

And start acting like
you're six hours away

From all-you-can eat shrimp.

- but, Rosie...
- no buts about it.

You are gonna get
into the spirit of things,

And you're gonna start by
going in there and helping
those boys get dressed.

And remember,
those jackets do not
tuck into those pants.

♪ another bride,
another groom ♪

♪ another sunny
honeymoon. ♪

I'm bleeding from the ears.
Am I bleeding from the ears?

Criminy sakes.
What are you doing?

We're halfway there, nana mary.
Calves are always a bit tricky.

Now you've snagged
a varicose vein.

Okay, everybody, smile.

And try to keep those red dots
out of your eyes.

- where's Darlene?
- she's still in the bathroom
trying on grandma's gown.

Come on out, Darlene.
I can't wait to see you
in my dress.

What do you
mean, your dress?
That's my dress.

The first time
I wore that dress

Roosevelt closed
the banks.

That's right.
The first time
I wore it,

I had to take it in
inches.

Around the boobs.

Zip it! Darlene,
come on out here.

Darlene:
i'm not coming out.
I look ridiculous.

I'm sure you look
fine, Darlene.

It's just the lighting
in that room is bad,

Along with the plumbing
and the tile.

- oh! Oh!
- oh, Darlene!

I got six sticks of dynamite
strapped under here.

The first chuckle
takes us all out.

Darlene, you look lovely.
And don't worry.

The little baby in there
doesn't show at all.

You know,
all us dames, we...

We all got knocked up
before we got married.

With this family,
it's like tradition.

You look gorgeous,
Darlene.

Grandma's gown looks
beautiful on you.

I'm sorry to say this, Darlene,
but you do look beautiful.

Aren't you happy now
that you passed on wearing

The flannel shirt
and bolo tie?

Darlene, I was
just wondering
if you'd reconsidered

About little andy
being the ring bearer.

I know you think
he's too young,

But he's been practicing,
haven't you, sweetheart?

Now look,
hold the pillow steady,
right, honey?

And then we take
the froot loops

And we put
these on there,
and then we say...

( humming
"the wedding March" )

- he's eating the rings.
- honey, I want you to--

He really wants to do it.
You tell everybody

How you feel about
being the ring boy,
okay?

You tell everybody what
mommy taught you to say.

Grandma's crazy.

Did-- did he say
grandma's crazy?

He just needs a nap.
He'll be fine.

Hey, who put
the now-unlucky veil

On the bed?

I mean, I can
counteract the effects,

But I don't know if i've got
enough time to go get
the pigeon blood.

All right,
last call for
the tux shop.

We need black socks.

For Mark,
size .

For d.J.,
one cufflink.

Rule of thumb for tuxes--
always get a spare one

So you can cut it up
for parts.

- Mr. Conner?
- don't know how.

So why haven't you
tied your tie?

Mr. Conner
doesn't know how.

Give it here.

Listen, Mark, I know
you're probably sick
of hearing about this,

But it just feels weird
that mom and dad
aren't here.

- you still on that?
- well, they're our parents.

I thought maybe
for my wedding day,
they might--

Would you just shut up
about them already?

Man, they never did
anything for us.

They kicked me
out of the house
when I was ,

And they treated you
like a dog.

Look, the conners are
your parents now, okay?

You and me both.
They saved our asses.

Yeah, well, mom and dad
gave us life, okay?

One of us maybe
a little more than
the other, but still...

Hey hey hey,
it's a slap in the face
to the conners

For you to be
all hung up on
a couple of jerks

- who haven't even bothered to
call in the past four years.
- Mark...

- I don't want to hear it!
- choking.

Where'd you learn to
tie a tie like that?

Dad.

It was the only thing
he ever taught me.

Now i've taught you.

Since it's the only thing
he could've done
for you today,

You don't need him
anymore.

Okay.

Thanks, Mark.

So, how many times
have you been married,
nana mary?

I'm not sure.

Counting the cruises
i've been on...

What's the matter?
You got butterflies
in your stomach?

No, a child.

Nauseous, huh?
I hear that, Darlene.

Don't you remember?
Your old aunt here was in

A similar situation
before she got married.

Yeah, sort of,
except for that

You were nursing
your child at the altar.

Oh yes, I remember
that wedding.

Thank goodness someone
was offered something
to drink.

Okay, enough yakking.
Come on, everybody
gather round.

I want one last picture
of all the women together
before Darlene gets married.

Nana, bring your ass
over there.

Oh my god.
Jackie, come here.

- what?
- look in here.

Look in there.
Darlene's getting married.

Well, it's just like
I pictured it when
I objected to it earlier.

Why do they want to have
an outdoor hippie wedding?

Why? Why?

Oh, because the moon
is in the seventh house?

- well...
- hey!

Glad you could
make it, guys.

Oh, I wouldn't
miss an event where
Roseanne might cry.

Well, this is
just beautiful.

Why didn't we have
our wedding outside?

sn*pers.

Hey, dad, I think
I just saw a skunk.

- go.
- hey, d.J., wait up!

Wow. This is
so cool.

I've never been to an outdoor
wedding where everyone
was wearing clothes.

Yeah, the ' s
sure are nuts.

Aw, look--
nana mary.

- hello, Dan.
- this is Nancy.

Nancy, this is
roseanne's grandmother.

Oh, i'm sure you two
must have scads to
talk about.

Why don't you
start with...

Aliens?

It's so weird
that he said that,

Because I was abducted
by aliens in woods just
like these one time.

- really?
- for a month afterwards,

I could play
world-champion-
caliber chess.

And then it just
went away.

Well, scott,
i'm sure you remember
our alien encounter.

Oh, dear heavens,
of course.

Their names were
zortron and dennis.

- dennis, yes.
- yeah.

You know, I hated
the way those two
were always bickering.

Oh, yes.
"let's skip by
alpha centauri."

"we don't have
that sort of time."
"well, we would,

If someone hadn't
had to see all
the moons of jupiter."

- still, it was fun going
antiquing with them.
- yes.

You know,
if i'd known...

If i'd known we were
gonna sit on these hard
wooden benches,

I would not have
worn this thong.

Let's see.
Just enough flowers

To look beautiful

But not enough
to attract the bees.

Yeah.

Uh, you know,
I wanted to ask you,

Do you think dad's gonna
walk me down the aisle

Or do you think
he's just gonna
give me a big push?

Oh, now you know
he loves you, Darlene.

Yeah.

Okay, well, just try
to remember that

When he gives you
the big push.

Thank god i'm marrying
someone relatively sane
like David.

No no no, Darlene.
All husbands are
kind of insane.

You know, after you marry
David and everything,

There's gonna be
times where you'll
be sitting there going,

"what the hell did
I marry this guy for?"

And then, like,
it'll snow

And he'll put
chains on your tires,

And then
you'll remember.

No, david's not allowed
anywhere near my car.

Already talking like
a married woman.

Oh, god, and soon
i'll be talking like a mom,

Just sitting around
with the girls
eating salads,

Chatting about sore nipples
and waiting for the prozac
to kick in.

You remind me of me
so much when I was
your age,

Ready to go out
and grab the world
by the throat

And throttle it
into control.

It's really good that
you've got all the energy
you've got, girlie,

Because you're
gonna need it.

Do you think
I can handle it all?

I think you're gonna
be great.

And you know if you
have anything going on

That you need help with--
even that baby--

You can bring that
to us anytime.

Well, I can bring it
to you, anyway.

Your dad's gonna
come around.
It's just...

After our wedding
he hardly saw his
parents again.

So I think maybe this
wedding, it's bringing all
that stuff back up for him.

Well, fine.
Then if he ever
talks to me again

I'll just let him know
i'm gonna be around.

I mean, i'm gonna need
someplace to hang out

While david's
watching the baby
and cleaning the house.

You go, girl.

I heard that
on "ricki lake."

Yeah, I saw it,
so don't even go there.

I just want to thank you
because you've been
really great

During this whole
wedding thing.
So thanks.

I know how
you could've been.

Oh, I could've made
you guys miserable.

Remember how you were
the first time David
spent the night?

Oh, yeah.
It was awesome.
I was a total bitch.

That'll happen
again, you know?

I know.

So, you ready?

Well, in the words
of gary gilmore,
let's do it.

- well, darlene's ready.
- ( andy whines )

I knew it!
The little midget's
freaking out on us!

No, he's not.
He is not freaking out.

He ju--
he loves his mommy.

Bull! D.J.,
you are gonna have to
be the ring boy.

No way! I'm gonna
look totally stupid!
I'll be humiliated!

- Mark, it's up to you.
- i'm your man.

No! No! Now we
promised little andy that
he would be the ring boy.

So i'm sorry.
Pardon us, please.

Ring boy coming through.
Ring boy coming through.

All right, well,
I guess we're next.

Uh, you know,
your daughter would like
to hear something from you.

Can't you just go tell her
you're happy for her
or something?

Why are they not
standing up?

The guy at rehearsal
said they only stand up
for the bride.

I really don't care what
the guy at rehearsal said.
The hell with tradition.

Everybody up!
I want you standing up!

Good.

Wow.

Scary, huh?

You look different.

Oh, mission
accomplished.

Oh, no.

Oh, god.
( retching )

- she got sick.
- what'd you say to her?

What's the matter?
She's pregnant,
she had to barf.

Ain't none of
you ever been to
a wedding before?

- i'll go get her.
- no. I had one job--

That was to
walk my daughter
down the aisle.

I'll do it.

Well, picked
a good spot.

Thanks. You should
always find a downslope
according to "modern bride."

You okay?

Yeah.

- well, I guess we'd
better get back.
- wait up.

Darlene, there's something
i've been wanting to talk
to you about.

It's a good thing
I had to puke or you'd
have missed your chance.

See, uh,
I was thinking...

Man, how do
I do this?

- are you all right?
- yeah, i'm okay.
It's just...

Um...

Well, here.

What's this?

That's a key to
a savings deposit box.
Nobody knows about it.

There's a bunch of
savings bonds in there

And a coin collection
that my grandfather
gave to me.

That's your just-in-case
money, Darlene.

- dad, you're gonna need
this more than we are.
- no, honey.

Now you've got
a baby coming,
and I just think--

- you have a baby at home now.
- you're just gonna take it,
'cause I just think

If you had more
money laying around

You'd have more
chances to change...

I don't know,

Whatever it is
you want to change.

I just don't
want you to miss any
opportunities, Darlene.

I'm not going to miss
any opportunities.

David and I are
still young enough

- so that we have plenty of
time to do whatever it is--
- no no no no no no.

You see, that's where
you're wrong, Darlene.

Everybody thinks there's
plenty of time to do
whatever they want.

Believe me,
there's not.

- stuff happens.
( chuckles )
- what stuff?

Oh, I don't know.

Any kind of stuff.
All kinds of stuff.

See, you plan things
and the clock keeps ticking,

And you never
do 'em,

And suddenly d.J.'s
in high school

And you're
having a baby.

I haven't talked to
my dad in two years.

( sobs )

Well, you look
beautiful.

What's the occasion?

Dad, i'm not going
anywhere, okay?

I'm gonna be around.

You know, the first time
I held you, you were
wearing white

And you threw up.

I've been behaving
like a total jerk

When I should have
been supporting you.

Are you okay?

Can I do anything
for you?

You could walk me
down the aisle.

You ready to
give me away?

No, i'm not.

At this time

Darlene and David
have elected to
share with each other

Vows that they've
written themselves.

I, David,

Promise to always love
and respect you, Darlene,

My fellow traveler
on this planet,

As we tread lightly

And replenish what we have
taken from this earth.

I guess we'll have to
return the deer r*fle
we got him.

Did you hear that?
Did you hear what I just said?
It was funny.

Yeah, deer r*fle.

And I, Darlene,
promise to love
and respect you, David,

As we strive not for
material possessions

But for contentment
and peace of mind.

I think she's got
marriage mixed up with
a nap on the porch.

How come
you're not laughing?
Did you hear that?

Deer r*fle.

And we know
the best way that
we can make it

Is to rely
on each other

The way our parents,
Dan and Roseanne
conner, have.

No matter how good or bad
life has been to them,

They always found
the humor in it.

We hope we can
do the same.

I didn't even
see that coming.
Did you hear that?

Yeah, I heard that.

Congratulations.

You are now
married.

I can't believe
you bought that whole
pregnancy thing.

( guests clapping )

( sighs )

You ought to see
nana mary.

She thinks the ice sculpture
is a mechanical bull.

No, thanks.
I don't feel so good.

Well, duh.
You were pounding down
the imitation crab

Like it was
the real thing.

- good wedding, honey.
- yeah.

You know what
I think?

I think we ought
to get divorced

Just so we can get
remarried again,
you know?

And then we could
write our own vows,

And we'll say
that we want to be
just like us.

Uh, I really don't
feel so good.

I'm not kidding.

Maybe you should
go find a phone,
call dr. Walker.

Dan...

Call somebody.

( siren wailing )

( car doors slam )

( radio chatter )

( gurney clattering )