( harmonica wails )
There there there.
That's perfect, honey.
Just when i'm getting
used to these pillows
It's time to check out.
Yeah, well, there's two
of them in the suitcase,
And d.J. Managed to sneak
one out of here under his
coat yesterday.
- ready for your lunch?
- yes, please.
Man, I hate this
hospital food.
It's horrible.
You think I can get them
to put me back on the I.V.?
Well, just hold
your nose now.
Here goes.
Get ready for some...
Steak.
Mmm, juicy and charbroiled.
Just the way I like it.
Paid for by the insurance.
Just the way I like it.
I feel so much better
when you baby me.
I'm gonna be taking care
of you the whole time,
Dan.
- you have nothing
to worry about.
- thanks, honey.
Shrimp scampi,
please.
Mmm, shrimpy.
I think we should
go over these
Doctor's
instructions here.
Recovering from a heart
att*ck requires
the patient's
Cooperation
and self-discipline.
You're dead.
Hey, no exercise
for two weeks.
Well, that shouldn't
be hard.
You've gone
a lot longer
than two weeks.
Look at number
two, though.
No s-e-x for four weeks.
That'll be hard.
Thank god I don't have
to go by this list.
Oh, great. No sugar,
no salt, no cholesterol.
You know, Dan, if more
people ate like this,
we'd still have
The mamas
& the papas.
Mr. Conner? All your
tests look great.
Did you hear that, Dan?
You're gonna live.
I'm going to live.
Now all you've got to do
is get something
to live for.
You can pack up and leave
as soon as you're ready.
That's great.
Thanks, doc.
You take it easy.
The Rose gardens
are in full bloom.
We moved the renoir
to the east wing.
And three of your polo
ponies have gone to foal.
Ah, spring.
( theme music playing )
( Roseanne laughing )
Oh, man, it's so good
to be home again.
Yeah, you spend that time
in the hospital, then you
look around
And you think: we don't
have nearly enough
religious art.
Everything looks
so different.
Was the tv
always there?
Yeah, you've probably
just never seen it
turned off before.
- what's all this?
- tapes.
While you were in the hospital
I taped all your favorite shows.
Man, I didn't realize
I had that many
favorite shows.
I got a whole other
box upstairs.
Hey, dad, you're home.
Did you bring me anything?
Yeah, the gene for
an early heart att*ck.
Hey, buddy,
how' you doin'?
Did you do everything
I told you while I was gone?
Like barking at the mailman
when he comes around?
Don't pick him up, Dan.
He's lbs over your
lifting limit.
Hey, careful with the t-shirt.
When he grows out of it,
it's mine.
Well...
I guess if we all are
gonna go on this diet,
I ought to go in there,
Throw out all the stuff
that's bad for us.
Of course, it may be
easier just to move.
I'm going in
there with you.
- oh, now, Dan.
- no, honey. I can't just lie
here and watch you destroy
The things I love.
- okay, first, we're starting
with the lard products.
- oh.
Look at that.
Takes up the whole shelf.
Okay, and now... Anything
with little debbie on it.
You know, it's kind of a waste
to throw all this stuff out.
Maybe we should give some
of this stuff to people.
Yeah, that's
a good idea.
Let's see.
This pork and beans--
well, you've got to know
how to operate
A can opener and a stove,
so that lets Mark out.
I'll give these
to Darlene and David.
And i'll give the marshmallows
to Mark and Becky.
God, I feel like it's a reading
of our will.
- what the hell is this?
- i've no idea.
I'll give it to mom.
Oh. We gotta get rid
of these eggs, Dan.
Look at that. I do not
want to come in here
at midnight again
And catch you
making a -yolk sandwich.
Oh, do we have to get rid
of those?
My grandfather brought them
over from the old country.
Eww, look at all the bugs
That d*ed trying
to get in there.
Hey hey, I forgot
this was here.
I can't believe
there's so much.
What, what?
It's that box where
we used to throw
All those
condiment packets.
Oh, man, yeah.
Back when we used to try
to economize and save
Stuff, before we said
to hell with it.
Look at this.
There's ketchup,
Relish,
soy sauce--
And all of them
antique.
Oh, look at here.
Mcdonald's mustard.
How old you
think that is?
Mmm... The golden arches
have an orange hue--
I'd say circa .
Oh, and look: there's
mayor mccheese
When he was still city
councilman mccheese.
You know, i've heard
that some people
collect stamps.
Used ones? Oh.
You know, you're taking
this pretty good, Dan.
I'll tell you what,
honey, it hasn't really
been that hard.
Good.
'cause i'm gonna go
over there to the fridge.
Oh, yeah?
And i'm gonna...
Open it.
Honey?
Now Dan, I want you
to take a deep breath,
Clear your mind,
And go to your special
place of tremendous courage,
Because... It's going.
Mmm.
Mmm.
- you may not
wanna watch this.
- eee.
- ( cracks can )
- ( Dan groans )
- ( cracks can )
- ( whimpers )
- ( cracks can )
- ( winces )
- ( cracks can )
- ( groans )
Oh, the humanity.
So, David, you still
think camping
Is the best way
to spend your honeymoon?
( door opens )
how often do you get
back to the hotel
To visit Darlene?
- ( door shuts )
- oh. Oh.
Now for my victory lap.
Hey, you didn't miss
him at all.
He just came in with d.J.
From one of his walks.
It's Darlene and David.
I'll put them on speaker.
Hey, guys,
how' you doin'?
You're just in time to hear me
eat my olympic victory feast.
Urinal cakes.
Here, talk to them
like a human being.
Hey guys,
how you doin'?
Yeah, how's the food
up there?
Yeah, your mama and I
went camping one time
up in wisconsin,
Up in door county--
That's enough.
It was collect.
Honey, i've been home for two
weeks. I think I can handle
- talking to my children.
- yeah?
Did d.J. Got you off the leash
long enough to chase
that frisbee?
( chuckles )
that was great.
God, it's been so long
since i've taken a walk.
Didn't there used to be
a vacant lot on the corner
of vernon and grove?
Yeah, it is still there,
just underneath that bank
They built there
seven years ago.
When did everybody
start putting
Security gates
around their house?
Mmm, gee,
Round the time d.J.
Started to walk.
Amazing.
Why don't you go in there,
lay down on the couch,
And i'll bring you
in your lunch?
Honey, I can make
my own lunch.
Why don't you work on one
of your tv commentaries?
You've been on that show
since this whole thing started.
Well, I never thought
i'd say this, Dan, but
You are more important
Than tv.
How sad that it took
a heart att*ck
to finally
Hear those words
come out of your
mouth.
Hey, d.J., good job
in getting your dad
To go on those walks.
Ah, there's a little bit
of green in it for you.
Jeez, this blows.
Why do I have to be
in this diet, too?
Because you want to get
an early start.
You don't wanna end up
like your dad.
Yeah, well, I guess
you're right.
Heart att*cks are the number-
one cause of teenage death.
Hey d.J., get in here.
- candy wrapper?
- yeah.
What in the hell is it doing
in your dad's pocket?
- is there any left?
- hey, d.J.
Oh, I don't know
how it got there.
This is
unbelievable.
You're gonna yell
at him, aren't you?
No. I don't know.
Well, eating this was
way wrong. Don't you care?
Oh, of course I care
d.J., but jeez,
The guy just had
a heart att*ck,
It's not like
I can go in there
And yell at him.
I wish I had
a heart att*ck.
Damn. I have been
doubly betrayed.
This is from my stash.
Here we are.
Here we are.
We got two big boys
all set ready to go
to the park.
I got the drinks,
I got the snacks,
And andy's gonna
feed the pigeons.
Why don't you just let
them toss coins
at the winos
Like all the other
kids do?
Ha ha, Roseanne.
Is... Something wrong
with your car?
I just drove past
the corner, I saw
Dan sitting
At the bus bench,
reading the paper.
Oh, man, that's unbelievable.
He's supposed to be
out on his walk.
Well, he... He wasn't,
you know, reading
the paper.
He was turning
the pages like
a demon.
And the lifestyle
section-- you know
how heavy
That is on
wednesdays.
Don't take this out
on me, Roseanne.
I didn't mean
to see Dan.
No, don't worry
about it, Jackie.
You're not telling me
anything that I didn't know.
- I know he's been cheating.
- are you sure?
Yeah. I found
a candy bar wrapper
in his pants
When I was doing
the laundry.
- oh, no.
- yeah. And then
Crystal calls me,
She says she saw him
yesterday at the gas station,
Heating up a burrito.
Yeah, nobody can do
anything in this town
Without you
finding out.
( scoffs )
that's right.
I hear you bought some
rash cream. What gives?
( chuckles )
Well, have you said
something to him
about it?
No, I didn't.
'cause I just was
hoping it would stop
With the candy bar, you know?
What was I thinking?
Dan is the kind of guy
That'll stand there
eating a couple of
frozen eggos
All while he's waiting
for the others ones to pop up.
This is not, you know,
just a little slip,
Roseanne.
You've got
to stop him.
I know
I do, but...
The whole heart att*ck
thing is so weird.
I just don't even know
what to say to him.
I don't know how to yell
at him or anything
anymore.
Man, I gotta start
Stretching up
before these walks.
Mile and a half is a lot longer
that it was when I was a kid.
Mile and a half, huh?
Boy, you must
be exhausted.
Yeah, Dan. And yeah,
you don't even seem
to be sweating.
Yeah, park time.
Boy, you know, you're not
really sweating that much.
- ha.
- that new speed stick's
pretty good, ain't it?
- yeah,
- you're just dry
dry dry dry dry dry.
I tell you,
it's good stuff.
Ought to write
them a letter.
You know, Dan?
It's really important
That you stick
to the doctor's orders.
What are you saying, Roseanne?
I know it's important.
- i'm just saying--
- no, look, you think
this is easy? It's not.
Now i'm hot and tired
from my walk,
And i'm gonna go take
a shower if you don't mind.
Fine, i'll finish
making your angel
hair pasta
In a light
tomato sauce.
You're not the only one
around here that can tell lies.
- so, how was your shower?
- it was a shower.
- ugh.
- what?
This yellow
spongy stuff--
I mean, do i
eat it or...
Did I eat it?
It's squash, Dan.
You really ought to be
used to eating
all these
Healthy foods since
you haven't been eating
Anything else for the last
two weeks, right?
Yeah, well--
Well, you're not
gonna do it,
are you?
What?
I was trying to give you
a chance to come clean here.
But, since you seem to be into
lying to me, i'd just tell you
That I know about all the junk
food that you've been sneaking.
What do you mean?
Well, I found that candy
bar wrapper in you pants
When I was doing the laundry,
and it's still at the lab,
But i'm pretty sure
it's gonna come back
With your prints
all over it.
I know about
your fake walks.
I even know about
your burrito.
- at least i'm not
gonna get mad.
- you're not?
No. Because I figure,
You know, you're
just a human being
And you're entitled
to a couple of mistakes.
I just would like
to put it all behind us,
- and start over
again, okay?
- ( chuckles )
Oh, I gotta tell you,
I didn't like sneaking
around.
I know all about
the temptation
Of the three
musketeers, Dan--
The creamy nougat,
the...
Smooth milk
chocolate.
The dreams of becoming
a swashbuckler.
Oh, well, look at this stuff,
honey: peas, carrots, squash.
I mean, here I am a grown man,
you got me eating like a rabbit.
Yeah, well, I know it's hard,
but you just keep it up,
A little bit of time passes,
and then you're stuck in a rut,
Which is right up your alley.
Well, doctor's orders or not,
I can't do it. It's hell.
I mean, I can't live this way.
I mean, I want
my food back, you know?
Real food-- dead animals.
Brightly colored snacks.
Things on sticks.
Well, i'm not gonna keep
cooking those crap dinners
That got you in this mess
in the first place, Dan.
What about the crap
breakfasts
And the crap
lunches?
Well, Dan,
if you don't
like my cooking...
Why don't you just
cook yourself?
- maybe I will.
- oh yeah? Maybe you should.
That'll be
fun to watch.
Fine. You want me
to fix dinner?
I'll fix dinner.
I'm fixing dinner!
Oh, but honey, you just fixed
dinner years ago.
God, you're hiding food, Dan?
Yeah, with
the cleaning products.
It's the one place
I knew you'll never look.
What was all that crap
you were telling me
in the hospital,
That big speech about
how you never cheated
on me?
What the hell
do you call
this?
Look, i'm sick and tired
of being treated like
an invalid.
So, you're just gonna do it,
aren't you?
You're just
gonna go right ahead
And harden an artery
right here in my kitchen.
I've got to live a little,
Roseanne.
You won't let me
eat anything,
You won't let me take
any calls from work.
Yeah, and i'm not gonna let you
talk anymore either, so shut up.
Just keep your nose
out of my work.
It's none of your
business, Roseanne.
I manage to get along just
fine without any of your help.
Without any
of my help?
( scoffs )
well, what the
hell do you think
I was doing
all those years
At wellman's
and rodbells
And the beauty parlor,
and the diner?
You think I was just
earning enough money
To go out and buy
new hats?
And if it wasn't for me,
the bank would've came
And took this house
a long time ago, Dan.
I always pull in more money
than you brought in.
Oh, yeah?
Oh, what about
that year
When your bike
shop went broke?
Yeah, Dan. You're
gonna show me.
Spread it on. Nothing
in moderation, right?
- oh, you got it, baby.
- oh, yeah, not for
The indestructible
Dan conner.
Drinker, biker,
Party boy right
from the ' s.
"if it feels good,
do it."
Or in your case, if
it tastes good, eat it.
Watch it, Roseanne.
You know what you are, Dan?
You are a big fat guy
With absolutely
no self-control.
You're jerry garcia
without the music.
Whoa whoa whoa.
Let's back up here.
You are calling me fat?
Yeah, i'm calling you fat.
Well, if that ain't
the big fat pot
Calling the kettle black!
You better not be
calling me fat!
Well, that's what
i'm doing. Fat fat
- fat fat fat fat fat
- fat fat fat fat fat
- fat fat fat fat fat!
- fat fat fat fat fat!
Fine, if you don't want
the food I make, Dan,
Then we'll just
get rid of it.
Okay? And you
know what?
We don't need any more
of this health food,
Either.
Dog's too.
I'm gonna watch tv.
Of course you are, Dan,
Because that's
what you always do
When anything gets
too damn real
around here.
- I do not do that.
- yes, you do.
You run to that tv
and walk away from me
Every single time there is
a problem in this family.
Why the hell
shouldn't I walk away?
You never let me do
squat around here.
Problem with the kids?
Hey, you'll handle it,
Because i'll sure as hell
just screw it up.
I watched these kids
grow up around here
Without ever knowing
what was going on,
Or even who they were, and just
look at the way they turned out.
I think they turned out great.
Oh, please, Roseanne,
look at them.
They're not exactly
the kennedy kids.
No, they're not. But their dad
sure drinks like uncle teddy.
They're failures, Roseanne,
And the only reason
you won't admit it
Is because you'll have to admit
you failed as a mother.
The only way
I failed as a mother
Is to let Becky and Darlene
get married so young
That they threw their
whole life away on a man,
- just like I did.
- you didn't throw
away a thing.
Yes, I did, Dan.
I threw everything away.
But all that's gonna change.
Because from now on,
I'm gonna put all
my energy into that tv show.
That's fine.
It's just great, you know.
I'll show my daughters
that you don't have
To give up your dreams
for some stupid guy.
That's fine. Well,
you just move to Chicago
for all I care.
Then, maybe
your damn family
Won't be hanging around
here all the time,
Give me some room
for my family to come.
Hell, they can't even show
up for thanksgiving anymore.
Oh, so that's it, huh?
It's my fault
That you don't
have any kind
Of relationship
with your family?
God, you are pathetic!
Did I ever stop you
From picking up that phone
and calling your mother?
Hey, at least
I put my mother
In a psychiatric hospital
Where she can get some help
Instead of letting her
run around in the streets
Like yours, scaring people!
Well, my mother may be like
Fingernails
on a chalkboard, Dan,
But at least she's allowed
to grow fingernails.
Oh, that's perfect. You got
the answer for everything,
- don't you?
- yeah, I do.
Yeah, well, why won't you
tell me how to clean up this...
Crap that you call decoration?
Okay, I will.
I want you to pick them
all up using your ass.
And start
with the pointy things!
You are a controlling...
Bitch!
No, i'm not, Dan.
I'm just trying to do
Whatever it takes to get you
to get up off of your ass
And stop staring
at that...
- ( screen shatters )
- ...Damned tv.
Boy, I tell you, I wish
I had never mar--
- what? Say it.
- nothing.
Well, that makes two of us.
( exhales )
You can die if you
want to, Dan.
But you're gonna have
to do it alone
Because i'm not gonna
sit here and watch you.
I'll be at jackie's.
( slams door )
( theme song playing )
08x25 - Fights and Stuff
Watch/Buy Amazon Merchandise
Explore life, death and everything in between through the relatable, hilarious and brutally honest lens of the working-class Conner household.
Explore life, death and everything in between through the relatable, hilarious and brutally honest lens of the working-class Conner household.