09x04 - Honor Thy Mother

[bunniefuu]

Another near-beer, dan?

Thank you, barkeep.

Put a big head on it so I
can pretend to enjoy it.

So did you buy anything
with all that cash you won?

Not really.

You know, the truth is,

I'm still trying to figure
the whole thing out.

I mean, you know, a month
ago I'm laying in a hospital bed

Not knowing whether
I'm gonna live or die,

And now here I
am in good health,

Big-time lottery winner.

What do you think it is?

God or fate or... Chance?

What was the first one again?

Club soda. In a
glass. No lipstick.

Leon. Hi, dan.

Hey, leon, you're a guy
that thinks sometimes.

You think there's a
reason that we're all here?

Well, I'm here 'cause
I ran out of gas,

And when the tow truck gets
here, I'll have my reason to leave.

No, seriously.

I'm talking "big
picture" stuff here.

Ah, forget it.

No, no, no, no.

I'm just not used to
sharing my feelings

In a place where the rest rooms
are labeled "pointers" and "setters."

Hmm... My opinion.

Yes, I think there's a
reason we're all here.

Really?

Yeah, that's right.

Cynical old leon still
thinks that people here

All serve a purpose on
this big spinning ball of dirt.

Hey, I have to believe that.

Otherwise, it's just too
hard to get up in the morning

And face the horrors
of the hetero world.

Well, I guess that makes
some kind of... Weird sense.

The hard part is...

Figuring out what
we're put here to do.

Oh, well, I think you've
done your part, dan.

You married roseanne...

And saved some other poor soul

Hell on earth.

Well, thanks, I guess.

Coming to the poker game later?

Oh, you betcha. There's
my auto club guy.

In a t*nk top.

♪ If what doesn't k*ll us ♪

♪ Is making us stronger ♪

♪ We're gonna last longer ♪

♪ Than that greatest
wall in china ♪

♪ Or that rabbit with a drum ♪

♪ If there's one
thing that I learned ♪

♪ While waiting for my turn ♪

♪ It's that in each
life some rain falls ♪

♪ But you also get some sun ♪

♪ And we'll make
out better than ok ♪

♪ Hear what I say ♪

♪ Any day ♪

Ok, I've got it
narrowed down to...

The golden chamber

Or the elysian
fields health spa.

So, you make the final decision.

No! I'm not gonna pick,
'cause then you'll be mad

That I didn't pick the
one that I didn't pick

You pick.

No, I'm not gonna pick!

I'm not a picker.

[Sighs]

You know, this wishy-washy
thing that you've got goin',

It's not working
for you anymore.

You know what? You're right.

You are absolutely right.

That's done. I... I am...
We're going to that one.

End of story.

See, now, I think that
this decisive thing

Really works well on you,

And you should have
done it a long time ago.

Roseanne, you wouldn't let me.

Well, all that is
about to change, jackie,

Because I no longer have
the time or the energy

To be living everybody
else's life for them.

There is a me underneath me,

And she has been smothered
by grease, grit, and crap

For way too long.

Now, this whole spa experience

Is going to unlock my
divine female essence.

But unlocking essences,
they charge extra for that.

I am going to get my pores
shrunk down to nothing, jackie.

I'm going to get pounded
and beaten to a pulp

By some hideous
old korean masseuse,

I'm gonna get my chakras opened,

My kundalini awakened,

I'm gonna do japa on my mala,

Then I'm going to find

My channels, meridians,
and my g-spots,

And after that...

Look here. I'm
getting one of them

Colonic irrigations,

'Cause you can lose
about pounds per time.

Well, I am gonna get waxed
and wrapped and buffed and filed

And soaked and steamed
and purged and peeled

Till there is not one
original cell left in my body,

And then I am gonna go out and
find a guy with pecs to knock on,

And I'm gonna start knockin'.

We're definitely
not sharing a room.

Hey, dan, we finally
picked the spa.

Now, are you gonna
be ok at this place

Where you have to get
naked and covered in mud

With about other people?

Yeah, sounds ok to me.

Are you ok?

Yeah, sure.

Have you guys ever
wondered why we all exist?

Well, I think because we're
here to evolve into the people

That we were
destined to turn into.

Yeah, that's what the
guy at the gas station said.

Mmm. I'm just
driving myself crazy.

I guess I'll go
tinker in the garage.

He went out to
tinker again, huh?

What's that mean?

Another macaroni ashtray.

Hey, deej, it's me.

What did I do?

Nothing. I was just
in the neighborhood.

I thought I'd drop in.

Mm-hmm. Why?

Nothing. Just to hang.

Come on in.

Wow.

So, spielberg's your man, huh?

Yeah. I'm gonna work
for him someday,

Learn everything I can from him,

Then become this huge
movie director and crush him.

You are your mother's son.

Where'd you get these?

Uh... Friends. I just
sort of found the rest.

You found them?

Yeah. You know how you're
walking through the city,

And you're not really
looking for anything,

And all of a sudden you
look down, and there's a sign?

Yeah. I used to find
mine on the tops of poles

At the end of the street.

What, you did this stuff, too?

Oh, yeah. I was what you
call your regular wild youth.

I remember one time me and some
buddies of mine broke into a junkyard.

We got chased by
this big doberman.

Oh, man. Did you get bit?

Nah, deej. See, the trick is,

You don't have to be
faster than the dog,

You just gotta be faster
than one of your friends.

So did you get in big
trouble with your parents?

Nah. I could always
get away with stuff.

My dad wasn't around
much, and my mom...

Well...

Yeah. I know about grandma.

Well, I guess I should go.

You ok?

Yeah, I'm fine.

I'm just moving a little slow.

[Sighs]

You look kind of... Out of it.

Nah, I'm just thinkin'.

Thinking and out
of it look a lot alike.

You know, I'm not
a kid anymore, dad.

We can talk about stuff.

Well, that's right.

You're not a kid
anymore, are you?

You're dating. Next year
you're gonna be driving.

[Deep voice] why,
you're almost a man.

I'm not shaving yet.

Well, it's a hassle anyway.

You know, you're
getting to the age, deej,

Where a lot of kids stop
getting along with their parents.

I hope that doesn't
happen to us.

Yeah. I hope you don't get all
weird on me like some kids' parents.

How am I doing so far?

Mmm... I'd say you
have like a . Average.

Hell, that's way better
than I did in high school.

Thanks.

I enjoyed this.

Sure. Stop by anytime.

Yeah. Your mom won't let me
put up cool stuff in my room.

All right, I'll see that.

All righty.

Read 'em and weep, gentlemen.

Full house.

Aw, man, I was this close.

Yeah.

If you'd picked up
three more queens,

You might have won that hand.

So, david, darlene let you
out to play tonight, huh?

Uh, actually, she
sort of insisted on it.

Since she's been pregnant,

She says I've been kind
of hovering over her.

You know, david, it's
kind of a poker tradition

That the guys complain
about their wives.

Oh, I'd rather not.

Oh, come on, you wimp.

Meow! Hiss!

All right.

No, all right. Fine.

Sometimes...

Sometimes darlene won't let me do
all the things I want to do for her,

And it just... It
makes me so mad.

damn mad.

This, boys, is the
pathetic result

Of the women's
liberation movement.

Well, dan, it's good to see
you've pulled out of that funk.

After we talked at the lobo,

I was actually a little
worried about you.

I was just a little
off this morning.

I got up on rosey's
side of the bed.

You were in a funk, mr. Conner?

Oh, yeah. He was asking me
for the reason we're all here.

Where?

You were getting philosophical?

That doesn't
sound like you, dan.

Yeah, well...

Hey, you know what I
do when I'm in a funk?

I lay on top of the trailer
and count the stars.

There's like of them.

David, you always look
like you're in a funk.

No, I don't.

Really?

Are we here to
play cards or what?

All right, -card draw.

Trips to win. su1c1de kings one.

All right. Sounds good.

Hey, after the game tonight,

Any of you guys want
to go sh**t some pool?

Nah. The wife's
gonna wait up for me.

I don't know what's gotten
into her since she's hit ,

But I ain't complaining. Whoa!

I know what you mean.

When scott turned the big - ...

I tell you, it was like somebody set
off a b*mb at the testosterone factory.

I lost count. How
many cards you got?

We all have about .

Listen... Somebody else deal.

I gotta go see about something.

You won all the money.

You just can't walk away, dan.

I'll let mark play my hand.

Ooh. Take your time.

Uh, deal me out, guys.

David... What are you doing?

Shuffling.

Hey, what's going on, man?

Oh. Oh, nothing.

I just came out to
get some fresh air.

Yeah.

Um... Hey, dan, you know, I
haven't thanked you enough

You know, for the money and all.

Oh, man, that's ok.

I mean, the living room
needed painting anyway.

You do a bad job, I
know where you live.

What's on your mind, dan?

I don't know. It's...

Lately I've been having all
these questions about life and...

Stuff I've done, and...

Oh, man. You're
gonna think I'm nuts.

Not any more than I did before.

I... I think you need
to lighten up, dan.

I mean, you're...
You're a good guy.

And all the time. Not since
you came into all this money.

So you got nothing
to worry about.

Yeah. Look, I'm... I'm just gonna
hang out here for a while, ok?

Yeah, ok.

Come to mama, girls.

Damn it! I had an ace that time!

Where's dan?

Hey, rosey. Dan's
on the front porch.

Ok, gentlemen,
what's your pleasure?

-Stud, hold 'em, -card draw?

How about a -card stud, but each
player gets as many cards as he wants?

All righty. I'll take .

The aliens aren't gonna
take you if you act too eager.

I just had to take a
break to clear my head.

Really?

I would have thought that
sitting there with them for an hour

Would have sucked
everything right out of it.

I'm gonna take a
walk for a while, ok?

Why do we have to
have wheatgrass now?

Because it's the thing to do,

And we are now the people
who do the things to do

Whether we want
to do them or not.

But why can't we just
wait till we go to the spa?

No!

I'm not gonna chance
some allergic reaction

And blow up to four times my
normal size in front of those people!

Just drink it.

All right.

But you don't get any
lime or salt or anything?

Listen, in vanity fair,

They said that this is the stuff

That demi moore drank
to get her figure back

After she had all them kids.

Really?

Oh, god. God!

God!

Oh, my god.

Oh... God.

Tastes just like grass.

Are my teeth green?

No. They're still yellow.

Ohh, I have got to get some
new clothes for the spa.

Everything I have
stinks like lanford.

Well, that's why we went and
bought all these $ magazines, jackie,

To get you lookin' hip.

I am tired of being the
happening one in this relationship.

Oh, my god, look.
Look at this here.

Feng shui.

What?

Feng shui.

Uh...

"The ancient chinese
art of arranging

"Your furniture
and other objects

So that you can better live in
harmony in your environment."

Can't be done.

Well, it says here
that barbra streisand

Would not even set
foot in her house

Until it had been
totally feng shuied.

That sounds like barbra.

God, I love her.

I heard she had her chin
done and just left the nose.

That's class.

Next year's fashion
news, roseanne.

Heroin chic is out.

Waitress meets schoolmarm is in.

Well, I guess next
year's your year, jackie.

Hey, my god. You know,
that dalai lama dude,

He goes out on tour more
than the rolling stones.

Now, does he... Live
with richard gere?

No. He's a holy man.

He lives in the
mountains somewhere,

But I think they just
have the same publicist.

Hey, hon.

I'm gonna go out and
run a few errands.

I'll be back in a bit.

Dan, it's monday night football!

You haven't left this
house on a monday night

In damn near years.

Well, it'll be in the
paper tomorrow.

He's getting worse!

I know that, jackie.

I'm just trying to enjoy
what's left of my denial.

Wow!

What?

Had a wheatgrass rush.

Set 'em up again.

What are you doing, dan?

We hired chuck
to paint this room.

I know. I just thought
I'd prep it for him.

I know where all the
holes are and everything.

Yeah, so... All right,
what's really going on, dan?

I'm spackling.

Well, it's : at night,

And you've just
spackled over an outlet,

So do you want to
tell me what's going on?

What?

I've been really
patient with you

For the past three days,

But I want to know what's wrong.

You know, rosey,
I'm a good father,

And I am a decent husband,

But I am a lousy son.

Lousy son?

Where's this all coming from?

Well, you know, my
life's getting better,

But my mom's in a
psychiatric hospital,

And nothing changes for her.

The last time I went to see her,

She didn't even know who I was,

So I stayed for
all of minutes.

Well, you can't go being
hard on yourself, dan.

You've done every single
thing that you could do.

Yeah, well, she deserves better.

She was a great mom.

I mean, when I was a kid,

I didn't think she
was weird at all.

She was funny and wild...
You know, in a good way.

Yeah, she was totally awesome.

Remember that one time

Where we were just
gonna go out for ice cream

And she just happened
to show up with ice cream

And it was the
exact same flavors

That we were gonna
go out and get?

It was like she was
psychic or something.

I remember.

Yeah. Well, maybe she's not in
such bad shape after all, you know?

'Cause, I mean, when you're
poor and you act different,

Everybody automatically
assumes that you're crazy.

But when you're rich
and you act different,

I mean, they just
call you eccentric.

I would love to take her to a
place and get a real good diagnosis.

You know, something
really thorough,

Find out what's
really wrong with her.

So, uh... I've been
looking around

And I heard about this
place in california...

In santa monica
that she could go to.

So now that I got the dough,
I'm gonna take her there.

I'm not gonna go on
the spa trip with you.

Well, yeah, definitely.

You've got way more
important things to do.

I think that's a great idea.

I'm glad you're doing that.

[Inhales deeply]

[Sighs]

God, look at this mess.

Why the hell did I start this?

'Cause it needed to be
done sooner or later, dan.

Just another one of those things
we put off for way, way too long.

Yeah, we should
have kept up with it.

It's a shame that
we let it get this far.

It wasn't our fault, dan.

We didn't have the time,

And we didn't have the money.

But we do now.

Hey, what do you say, before
I put the lids on the cans,

You want to paint
"crap" on the wall?

Yeah. Give me that roller.

Oh, I'm sorry.

And this is mrs. Harris,
the woman who raised me.

Bev: hello, america. Hello.

And my sister jackie.

Jackie: I helped
pick the numbers.

I helped pick the numbers.

I helped pick the numbers.

I've found her.