09x05 - Someday My Prince Will Come

[bunniefuu]

I helped pick the numbers.

Man: again.

I helped pick the numbers.

Again.

I helped pick the numbers.

The more I watch, the
more beautiful she becomes.

I must meet her.

Well, her name is jackie harris.

She's divorced, part
owner of a diner,

Lives in a small
town called lanford.

In high school, she
was spirit captain.

Whatever that is.

Lovely.

We're going to lanford.

Where is lanford?

♪ If what doesn't k*ll us
is making us stronger ♪

♪ We're gonna last longer ♪

♪ Than the greatest
wall in china ♪

♪ Or that rabbit with a drum ♪

♪ If there's one thing
that I've learned ♪

♪ While waiting for my turn ♪

♪ It's that in each
life some rain falls ♪

♪ But you also get some sun ♪

♪ And we'll make
out better than ok ♪

♪ Hear what I say ♪

♪ Yeah, any day ♪

Ok, grandma.

Say hi to dad.

Yeah, I love you, too.

I miss you, too.

Yeah, I really love you, too.

This is d.j.

D.j. Conner.

Bye.

Oh, god!

That's it!

It's it!

Dating. Hell.

Hell. Dating.

It's the same.
It's not different.

I thought that I had been to
the dark side of dating, roseanne,

But I was wrong.

He whined to me all night long

About how his ex-wife was trying
soak every last dime from him.

And then he waited for
me to pick up the check.

So that makes me...

Jackie the loser magnet.

Well, now, at least
you're going after guys

That are ambitious enough
to date you for your money.

You don't even know, roseanne.

You've never had to date.

Oh, please.

Dating's just like hunting.

You get lucky,
you go home early.

I don't need a man.

I am financially secure.

I am emotionally...

Stable.

I have my andy.

I have my family.

What about sex?

I am so through with that.

I am giving up on
the whole mess.

I'm getting rid of my short
skirts and my heels and my makeup

And my tweezers and, uh...

I'm free.

I'm a free woman.

I feel great!

I'm gonna go upstairs
and get my son,

And we're gonna go home
and start our new life.

Wanna stay over?

Yeah. Yeah.

Some things don't change no
matter how much money you've got.

Like I don't consider

Doing the ketchups
work, you see?

It's more like a challenge.

No, it's work, jackie.

And I'm no longer
up to that challenge.

Um...

Can you help me?

I mean...

I mean, can i...

Can i... Can you help...

I'm sorry.

Um...

Is there something
that I could get for you?

Um...

Lunch.

Uh-huh.

Yes. Lunch.

Um, we have no real specials,

But without getting
too personal,

Could I recommend the
double loose meat combo?

It comes with a drink,

So that's your best buy.

I don't know what
that is, but, um...

I... I'll try it if
you say so, jackie.

How did you know my name?

I saw you on television,
and I had to meet you.

Oh, really?

I'm carlos charmaine.

I'm from moldavia.

Oh, moldavia.

Oh, I've heard of moldavia!

I watch...

I watch that carmen
san diego show.

It's one of my
favorite shows as well.

Oh, really?

What do you do there
in moldavia, carlos?

Well, actually...

I'm a prince.

A prince.

the prince of moldavia.

The prince of moldavia.

Well...

Ok.

Um...

I have a duke and duchess
waiting on their fries...

And so I will be right back.

Ok?

Loser.

Loser.

Loser.

See, this guy is
looking really good,

And then he goes and
tells me he's a prince.

Can you believe that?

Well, give him a chance, jackie.

I'm mean, if he was a big loser,

He would've told
you he was the king.

Roseanne, where'd you put the...

Oh, my god.

Prince carlos.

The only straight
man in the world

Who can get away
with wearing purple.

Wait a minute.

Wait a minute.

You're telling me
that guy's for real?

Hello?

No, that's... It's not...

It's not possible.

Look, trust me to
point out royalty,

And I will trust you to
point out rodeo stars.

He can't be a prince.

He has no scepter,
no entourage...

Except for that double-wide
limousine out there

With the little flags
on the antennas.

Oh, my god.

My god, he's a prince.

And he came here to see me.

Oh, no.

What if you're
supposed to be a virgin?

Ohh.

God, I forgot to
give him some water.

Your water.

No, no.

Please...

This always happens.

There's no easy way to
tell someone you're a prince.

[Exhales]

Um, cough, cough, cough.

This is my sister.

Roseanne conner of
the lanford conners.

My pleasure.

And may I say that television
does neither of you justice.

Oh, that's so sweet...

Even if you are
just blowing smoke.

Uh, that's leon carp.

Mr. Carp.

Hi.

My husband is not
going to believe this.

Jackie, at the risk
of seeming forward,

I would like to ask
for the pleasure

Of your company at dinner.

Oh, no. That's not
forward at all.

That... That's right.

What she said.

I thought perhaps we could go

To one of my
favorite eating places.

Oh, my god.

You have a favorite
eating place in lanford?

We don't.

No, I was thinking of manhattan.

[Straining to speak]
oh, manhattan!

Oh-ho-ho-ho!

New york, manhattan?

We'll take my plane, if
that's all right with you.

Oh, well, I don't know, carlos.

Well, what she means is
that she doesn't know you,

So in the tradition of royalty

And the dating game,

I should chaperone.

Well, of course, you're
welcome to join us.

I insist.

And bring the rest
of your family as well.

Whatever makes jackie happy.

Well, I think that
makes her happy.

Oh, I'm happy.

And, uh, I'll get
darlene and david

To watch little andy and jerry,

And that'll make me happy.

Well, you guys have fun.

I'll be home,
sitting in the tub,

Listening to mahler
and brooding.

Hey, can our cousin
leon come, too?

Of course.

The more the merrier.

Oh...

[Giggling]

ohh, boy.

I'll make the arrangements.

Uh-huh. Ok.

Until tomorrow.

Mm-hmm.

This is, like, right
out of a fairy tale.

Even the commode is exquisite.

It has one of those delightful,

Old-world spritzing devices.

The only thing we're missing

Is people riding in coach
to feel superior to.

You know, this pillow
is goose-down filled.

I just want to bite it.

So, what do you
guys want to do first

When we get to new york?

Well, I don't know
about the rest of you,

But me and leon are going down to
the village to get something pierced.

Yeah, and then we'll all head
over to saturday night live

And see if they've figured out

When to end their skits yet.

I want to go to the cotton club,

Sing a hot jazz tune
with the boys in the band,

Be part of the
harlem renaissance.

We'll drop you off.

[Gasps]

Oh, my god.

Oh, my god. Carlos... My...

Ohh. Ohh...

I will definitely
get this dry cleaned.

Oh, that is gorgeous.

Thank you so much.

Well, new york gets rather
chilly this time of year.

And it matches perfectly
with what I have on.

I bought several of them.

I picked that one out when I
saw what you were wearing.

They're all for you.

Oh, I don't know what to say.

Carlos, I know that you...

Only saw me on television
for eight seconds...

And I have been told

That I make a very
strong first impression...

Especially in a dress...

But what exactly was it?

You seem so real.

Your look, your smile.

The way your hair
touches your eyelash.

And your voice.

When I heard your
voice, i... I had to find you.

"I helped pick the numbers."

You do a good me.

Well, scoot it on
over there, prince.

Wow, this is incredible.

Oh.

Give me the dirt on your family.

What is it, adultery?

Alcoholism? Bleeders?

Roseanne.

Isn't she fun?

Well, actually,

If you wouldn't
find it too boring,

I have some home movies.

Oh, great.

Ahem.

Carlos: here's some
of the royal family.

That's the queen mother.

Ohh. Sweet.

Well, now, is she the queen

Or the mother of the queen?

We've been trying to figure
that out for centuries.

We just sort of let
them both sit there.

Carlos: here's the coronation

Of my father king carlos ix.

He was a great king.

He d*ed a few years ago.

Oh, I'm so sorry.

Was he beheaded? Ssssk.

Well, now, if the king d*ed,

Why aren't you the king?

In my country,

The queen rules
after the king's death.

¡viva moldavia!

Here is my aunt
princess marguerite.

She has a great personality,

Makes all her own clothes,

And just loves horses.

Well, she's not exactly postage
stamp material, now is she?

Look at the parade.

So, is this some big
national holiday?

Carlos: no, that's when I got
an "a" on my report card.

Ohh...

Here's the wedding of my brother

To princess burgesson.

We call her "burgie."

It was a beautiful affair.

We had sir george solti

Conducting the
national orchestra.

Dan and I had the
belinda zelinsky five.

P.a.: We are
approaching the airport.

Everyone please
return to your seats

And fasten your seat belts.

Look, jackie.

New york city is
lit up just for you.

Oh, you know what?

I'm so happy, I
almost believe that.

I say we buzz the
statue of liberty!

[Swing music playing]

God, this is so beautiful.

I just can't believe it.

How much did this cost?

Don't answer her.

I don't mind.

Norums.

Guys, the empire state building.

Oh, I read that if you drop
a marshmallow off the top,

It could k*ll someone.

Man, what a brutal way to go.

Excuse me, sweetheart.

I'm with the prince.

I'd like a gin and tonic.

They're playing our song.

Ohh...

We have a song.

Shall we dance?

Thank you.

Thank heaven.

I've been dying to tell you

What I heard in the powder room.

Well, I hope it wasn't,

"Hey, lady, you're
in the men's room."

No!

I heard that a certain prince

Has a questionable reputation.

He's been linked with everyone

From princess
stephanie to markie post.

So what?

Jackie's been linked
with everyone

From the meter man to that
photographer just passing through town.

What's the difference?

Ahem.

Roseanne, I know I'm about to
violate the entire foundation

Of our six-year
relationship, but...

Dance with me?

Oh, leon...

I hoped you'd never ask.

Come on, roseanne. If
you have a good time,

You can blame it
on the champagne.

Fine, I'll do it.

Just keep moving your
feet and don't look at me.

Prince is just regular guy.

Kind of needy.

He leans on me a lot.

Oh, d.j.?

How about dancing with your
poor, lonesome old grandma?

Nice timing, grandma.

Now, listen,

If an interested
gentleman should cut in,

You just cha-cha-cha
away, all right?

You know one fun thing
about being a prince?

If I start to dance faster,

The band will keep up with me.

Oh, really?

Watch.

[Music gains tempo]

Now's my chance!

Oh, roseanne, I
don't know what it is.

I can't explain
the feeling, but...

I think I'm in love.

k*ll me.

New york.

Just like I pictured it.

Skyscrapers and everything.

Hey!

Who do you like in that fight

Between the cabby and
the screaming tr*nsv*stite?

Central park is awesome.

Now that we have the money,

We should build a house here.

Oh, yeah, what the new
york city skyline really needs

Is an aluminum-sided tract home

With a satellite dish.

Don't wave back.

This town is full of
grifters and confidence men.

Well...

If that wasn't just about the
coolest thing I've ever seen!

Your carriage, my lady.

Thank you, my sir.

D.j.: Shotgun!

Wait! I got shotgun!

I want to sit in the middle

Like audrey hepburn in
breakfast at tiffany's.

Leon: oddly enough, this smells
better than a regular cab.

D.j., Get in the back!

I want to sit in the front

So I can do tricks
with the whip!

Roseanne...

May I have a word with you?

Yes, of course, carlos.

But, I mean, it was
only an ashtray,

And there was a million
of them laying around.

Roseanne, I think you
know the great affection

I have for you and
your entire family.

Oh, well, we think you
are one hell of a prince.

It's just that...

I wanted to ride
alone with jackie.

She really likes you.

And I really like her.

How are we supposed
to know for sure

That this isn't just another
one of your royal flings?

Roseanne, if all I wanted

Was to have a fling
with your sister,

Do you think I would've
invited your entire family?

[Bell ringing]

Bev: ♪ clang, clang,
clang went the trolley ♪

♪ Ring, ring, ring
went the bell ♪

Well, you do have a
point there, carlos.

But I'll tell you what,

I don't care if you're a
prince or whatever you are,

As long as you are
decent to my sister.

Because she's the
only one I've got,

And she's been through enough.

You have my word.

My royal word.

Everybody out of the cab!

This one's for
jackie and carlos!

[Group in cab grumbling]

[Bev grumbling]

Shall we?

Let's shall.

You know, carlos,

These kind of perfect days

Don't usually happen to me.

Or any kind of perfect day,

As a matter of fact.

Jackie, words can't express

The effect you've had on me.

I feel as though I've
known you my entire life.

God, I love this town!