09x07 - Satan, Darling

[bunniefuu]

Over here! Over here!

Hey, look, I'm the nanny!

Get outta here.

Ok, the key to fitting
into new york society

Is acting like you
don't want to be here.

Actually, the coolest thing

Would be if we
just left right now.

Oh, I don't wanna leave.

A new york party's more exciting

Than I ever thought
they could be.

And this one's for charity.

I don't know which one,

But if liz taylor's involved,

You know it has to be
something really sad.

Of course, this is nothing like

New york in its prime.

Let's face it, this
city d*ed years ago

When lou reed walked
into that methadone clinic.

What are we gonna talk
to these people about?

We could talk to them
about the golden chamber spa.

How was it there?

Oh, it was...

Aah!

Oww!

Fantastic.

Oh, god, I just remembered...

Spas are out.

Nooo!

So, I'm dating a prince.

We could talk to
them about that.

That seems like bragging.

Bragging's in.

All right. We're home free.

Ok, girls, look...

I know you're new at this,

So I'll volunteer
to be your guide.

If we get separated...

Oh, vendela, honey, I
need to talk to you!

What? If we get
separated, what?!

Drinks.

♪ If what doesn't k*ll us
is making us stronger ♪

♪ We're gonna last longer ♪

♪ Than the greatest
wall in china ♪

♪ Or that rabbit with a drum ♪

♪ If there's one thing
that I've learned ♪

♪ While waiting for my turn ♪

♪ It's that in each
life some rain falls ♪

♪ But you also get some sun ♪

♪ And we'll make
out better than ok ♪

♪ Hear what I say ♪

♪ Yeah, any day ♪

Well, I guess we ought
to mingle a little bit.

Yeah, I think you're right.

So...

How are things
going at the diner?

Don't mingle with me!

Sorry.

Come on, we'll take a lap.

Ha ha ha! Ha ha ha!

Ha ha ha! Ha ha ha!

Who's that?

That is tina beige.

Remarkable woman.

Yes. She is the editor
of manhattan magazine.

I love that magazine.

It's extra heavy for
k*lling the big bugs.

He was so apologetic,

So I said to him, "darling,
you're gore vidal.

"Of course your
story can be a day late.

Genius does not
punch a time clock."

Ha ha ha! Ha ha ha!

[Cackling] ha ha ha ha!

You gotta work
on your fake laugh.

You wanna mingle more,

Or you just wanna
head for the buffet?

Oh, buffet.

I remember you
from the vanderbilt's.

You're married to that delightful
arms dealer, are you not?

Oh, yeah. As a matter of fact,

He's wrapping up
a deal right now

At roosevelt junior high.

I'm estee longet.

You're estee longet? Oh, my god!

Like in the perfume and
the makeup and all that?

In the flesh.

Oh, my god!

Hey, do you know maybelline?

I'm jackie harris.

This is roseanne conner.

I'm so glad to meet you.

Man, she must have a
fever or something.

Her hand was hot as hell.

Martini boy!

Uh, they're really very good.

I've just had...
Of them myself.

Hello, hello,
hello! Look at you.

You look gorgeous.

In fact, you look
like $ million.

Astrid, remember?
You can call me bobo.

This is my husband gardner.

You can call him
dinky. I call him peanut.

Were you in town for
the jackie o. Auction?

We couldn't wait to get our
hands on some of her things.

Oh, she had wonderful things.

Colleen dewhurst d*ed. I
hear she had lovely things.

Yes. We've already got red dots

On barbra streisand's things.

May she live forever.

Oh, I wish I'd brought a camera.

Shall I tell you
who's here? Let's see.

Oh, there's dibbs huntsford
and deedee rotweiller...

And over... Baby dachshund...

And ulrika schnauzer...

And the woman I admire
most in the world,

Bixie hamberfarkenburgerbender.

She is the perfect
weight for new york...

Pounds above organ failure.

Oh! There's other
people you must meet.

They were at the
auction as well.

You stay here. Stay, money...

Fabulous party. Fabulous party.

Thank you, darling. There
they are, over there...

$ Million lottery winners.

It'll be coming from their
fingers like ticker tape

By the time I finish with them.

That's them, right?

Liz? Oh, my god!

What did larry
fortensky do to her?

That's not liz.

And who's that
drag queen with her?

That's not liz.

Come meet. Come meet.

Eddie, pats, this is
ruth ann and jackie.

Hello. Hello.

Oh, hey, so you're
from a foreign country.

We're from england.

Oh, cool! Well, sis
here is dating a prince.

Dating a prince.

If it's one of ours,
it must be edward.

Go and get us some
drinks, darling.

They need oiling up.

So, uh, who's the drag queen?

Hey, pat!

Need any help with those drinks?

Yeah, thanks, old man.

Eddie, you have to tell her
what you bought at the auction.

Oh, not the pink dress.

No, not the pink dress.

The pink bic.

The pink bic?

Her lady shick.

What do you want with her razor?

Dna! Do you understand?

Ok, you've got jackie
kennedy's dna on the razor.

No, I don't get it.

Shh! What? I don't get it.

See this little
spot of blood here?

Don't touch it. I don't want
yours mingling in there.

You see that? This spot of blood

Contains jackie o's
dino-buhrulino-nuclear acid!

Jurassic park! Jurassic park!

Mmm... It's nice.
What do you think?

Delicious. Proof.

We're gonna clone jackie o.

Not just one of them. We're
gonna have hundreds of them.

We're gonna have
thousands of them.

You know, we're gonna
have little jackies of all ages.

We're gonna have
herds of jackieraptors

Strolling through
the misty valley.

This is gonna be a theme park.

You can go from bouvier to
onassis in one simple tram ride.

It's fantastic!

Oh, I get it. It's kind
of like dollywood...

Except for, like, jackiewood!

Yeah!

Six flags over jackie.

That's it.

Euro-jackie!

Yeah, but it's
only the beginning.

With your money, we
can have a dna bank.

People can leave their dna now

So they can be
theme-parked when they die.

Yeah? Are you in?

Do I get to be

Chairman of the board
or skipper or anything?

How much have you got?

Million.

Hello, boss. Ha ha ha!

Hello, boss.

I love you!

Well, I gotta hand it to you.

The way you walk so
well in those heels,

You about had me convinced.

That's a very covering
foundation you use.

You have a problem with stubble?

Yeah, yeah.

Not on my face.

[Drunkenly] roseanna connelly...

I'm gonna do your
publicity, darling.

I'm gonna do your p.r.
For you, sweetheart.

Hi, it's me!

Roseanne: what?

I am gonna do your publicity.

What the hell do I
need publicity for?

Everybody needs publicity!

Talk to me. Come on, talk to me.

Come on, tell me, how many
children have you got, darling, hmm?

Huh? How many?

.

Well, you'll have to lose .

We'll get mia farrow
to adopt them.

Ha ha ha ha! You're not
a man at all, are you?

I'm not a man!

I'm not a man.

I can't believe you actually
thought I was an actual man

'Cause I'm, like, so far away
from being an actual man.

No, I gave birth to a child.

I breast-fed a little baby.

These are real, you know.

Milk comes out of these.

But I gotta tell you,

The ironic thing is, see,

I thought that you were a man.

Ha! Well, I was once
for about a year.

And then what happened?

Well, it dropped off.

I'm gonna change your
image for you, you know?

I'm gonna change
your image for you.

I don't want my
image to be changed.

Of course you want
your image changed!

Get this woman another drink!

I'm gonna make you the
next heavy belly hilly billy.

Fat is back. I can see it now.

You can never be
too fat or too rich.

Go for it, eddie!

Won't cost you very much.

Just gonna be a small percentage

Of your total capital
grossage, that's all.

Just throw money at me, darling.

I'll get you a people spread.

I'll get you the kathie
regis and lee show!

No, roseanne,
don't do kathie lee!

Not kathie lee!

Kathie lee made little children
work in sweatshirts in the heat!

Hey, hey...

Hey!

I'm not gonna listen
to one more bad thing

About kathie lee gifford!

What, with all the
things she's got to do

Between her show,
her christmas special,

All the things she
does for little cody,

Plus the daughter...
Whatever the hell her name is...

Do you really think she has
time to be on a cruise ship,

As well as overseeing things
at some honduras sweatshop

At the very same time?!

My god, the woman is only human!

When you think about it,

Maybe those children were lucky.

There are millions of
children in our own country

Who cannot even find jobs!

[Jackie sobbing]

Ha ha ha! Hee hee hee!

Roseanne: this must be soho.

Ha ha ha ha!

Ear of a rabbit...

A splash of rye...

And the brittle
wings of a dragonfly.

Roseanne!

Roseanne.

Bow unto our midnight dance.

The souls of hell
have chosen you...

For a purpose
you will discover...

In another world,
a parallel reality.

Mm, the scent...

The scent!

It is ready.

It is ready!

You shall deliver what we want.

It belongs to your
daughter darlene.

Drink, drink!

Roseanne: all right, all right,

But if I'm gonna drink it,

I want it from that witch.

[Music plays]

Stop that!

[Thunder]

Here, my little pretty.

[Lullaby plays]

Mom, is this normal?

I mean, I'm so big, and I'm
only weeks pregnant.

I don't know how to
tell you this, darlene,

But this isn't normal
for years pregnant.

Good evening, neighbors!

Hello there!

Hello? We would invite you in,

But then I guess
we'd be too late.

Oh, no, it's ok, mom.

This is al and edna von miest.

They live next door.

My dear, you are
getting bigger every day.

We know the top
obstetrician in town.

I'll have him sent right over.

We already have a
doctor that we like.

I strongly recommend
you switch to ours.

What are you, one of those
thugs from blue cross?

Oh, and look, we've brought
you a thermos of tannis root tea.

Yes, we did. Mm-mm-mmm!

Uh, aren't you
forgetting something, al?

What, dear?

Oh, he'd lose his head if it
wasn't spiked onto his neck.

Uh, the amulet.

Oh, yes! The amulet.

Here it is.

Now, you just wear
this all the time.

It'll keep away the good...

Heh heh heh. I
mean evil... Spirits.

Gotta go. Listen, you just
keep drinking that tea, all right?

All right. Bye-bye.

Drink the tea, dear.

You know, darlene, I don't want
to pick your friends for you,

But I hate those people.

Man, I'm hungry.

Eww... eww!

What is that you're
eating, darlene?

Raw chicken gizzards.

Al and edna said they'd
be good for the baby.

You're not an animal.

Use a fork!

Wait a minute. Oh, my god.

What did you say
their names were again?

Al and edna von miest.

Al and edna von miest.

My god, darlene, their names
spell out "evil demon satan"!

No way!

And they also spell out,

"Save damien, not l."

And damien was that
horrible devil kid in the omen.

Who's "l"? I don't know.

We've got to get
you outta here now!

Aah! Aah! I'm having
the baby right now!

Don't you worry about a thing.

You can trust us.

Aaah!

Come on, dear. Come on, dear.

Just breathe, breathe...

Mommmm!

Darlene!

Aaaah!

You really shouldn't
be here, roseanne.

This is my first grandkid,

And I'll be damned
if I don't see it!

How ironic. You'll also
be damned if you do.

[Gasps]

What have you done to it?

What have you done to its eyes?

They're his father's
eyes, roseanne.

What are you talking about?

Those are not david's eyes.

David is not his
father, roseanne.

His father is the
prince of darkness.

All: hail! Hail! Hail!

He chose your daughter.

You should be very honored.

There's nothing
wrong with my baby.

He's just my
wittle-bittle precious.

[Beastly growl]

Man, is he gonna be
difficult as a teenager.

It's really not fair for the
devil to take my grandchild.

I have never done
anything to the devil.

It's not like I go to
church or nothing.

Roseanne, now that
you know the truth,

I think it would be
better if you left.

That's right, but don't worry.

You can visit the
child anytime you like.

It'll be hot, but
it's a nice, dry heat.

Not so fast. I demand to
talk to the baby's father.

Well, unfortunately, roseanne,
the devil couldn't make it,

But he did send a
lovely fruit basket.

You tell him to get his
ass in here right now...

If he has an ass.

Oh, all right.

He is not going to
be happy about it.

I don't get it.
Are you the devil?

No, roseanne, I'm
just his advocate.

But you look exactly like me.

I take on whatever form your
subconscious chooses to give me.

I almost came as a hamburger.

Well, whoever you are,
I'm taking my grandson back.

I think that would be
a mistake, roseanne.

What do you know
about my grandson?

We know how to get him into
the right network of people.

They only want what's
best for him, roseanne.

You'll be rewarded
beyond your wildest dreams.

You think that some
amount of money's enough

For me to sell you
my flesh and blood?

It's not like you'll be able
to go back home anymore.

You have become a have
in a world of have nots.

That puts your grandson
in a weird position.

Hey, I practically raised my
sister and my husband and myself

And my grown kids, plus
my daughters' husbands.

I was strong as a mother,

But I am unstoppable
as a grandmother.

You think you're so cool,

But you've given
me a lot of power.

I can make you eat too much,

And I can make you steal.

Remember those towels
from disney world?

What towels?

And I can make you lie.

I'm a damn good mother,
and you know that.

Obviously, the devil has
a problem with women

And a huge problem with mothers.

Well, mothers are
the hardest to turn,

But when we do get one,
we party for centuries.

Well, I love my kids, even if
they do have red, beady eyes

And horns... And hooves.

I'll love this kid, no matter
his race, creed, nationality,

Or sexual preference.

Darn... I mean, damn!

Darlene, get your baby.

We're going home.

You are so beyond
grounded, darlene!

What's the matter with her?

She only had those martinis

And that little thing
you gave her, pat.

Oh... Pump her stomach.

Don't you dare. Come here.

Hey, that's my sister.

I'll do it.

[Punch sound]

What happened?

You just passed out.

To be blunt, darling,

You're about rounds behind us.

Roxanne, there you are.

How can I ever thank you for your
$ , donation to our charity?

I didn't give you $ , !

I'll need some of that

To rehabilitate her image.

A percentage I'll need.

You are very happening
right now, you know?

You're staying at my house
on the vineyard this weekend.

I won't take no.

We can go back to the party now.

Everyone's willing to meet her.

Ohh... I feel a little woozy.

Oh, drink it off, sweetheart.

Drink it off, sweetie.

There you go,
darling. There you go.