09x10 - Home Is Where the Afghan Is

All episode transcripts for the TV show "Roseanne". Aired: October 18, 1988 - May 20, 1997.*
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Explore life, death and everything in between through the relatable, hilarious and brutally honest lens of the working-class Conner household.
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09x10 - Home Is Where the Afghan Is

Post by bunniefuu »

Another weeks?

But dan, I want you home.

We've never been
apart on thanksgiving.

I miss you.

No, I'm not gonna cry.

So how is your mom?

[Sulky] good.

Well, you've missed a
lot of stuff around here.

Darlene's oldest daughter
won the spelling bee,

And, uh...

D.j. Just got out of
the joint yesterday.

Served of the .

And did I tell you
I want you home?

[Sighs]

God, dan, without
you here, just...

Things just aren't the same.

♪ If what doesn't k*ll us
is making us stronger ♪

♪ We're gonna last longer ♪

♪ Than the greatest
wall in china ♪

♪ Or that rabbit with a drum ♪

♪ If there's one thing
that I've learned ♪

♪ While waiting for my turn ♪

♪ It's that in each
life some rain falls ♪

♪ But you also get some sun ♪

♪ And we'll make
out better than ok ♪

♪ Hear what I say ♪

♪ Yeah, any day ♪

This new toaster blows my mind.

I mean, every morning I've selected
a different shade, you know?

And it... It has
yet to disappoint.

Plus...

You know, the toast
doesn't just pop up.

It... It gently ascends.

Man, I hope that dullness
gene is recessive.

Good morning.

Happy turkey day, mrs. Conner.

You want a cup of coffee?

Yeah. Thanks.

Hey!

Where is my "my other
mug is a sh*t glass" mug?

I put the coffee mugs here
above the coffee machine.

It just makes more sense.

I'll move them back now.

Hi, everybody.

Darlene, how you doing, huh?

Well, I've had morning
sickness, evening sickness,

Roll-down-the-window-
when-you're-driving sickness.

My shoes don't fit. My rings
don't fit. My clothes don't fit.

My vision's blurry.

And if you want to sit a spell,

I'll tell you about my
brand new hemorrhoids.

Takes about minutes.

Yeah, well...

I still cannot get
over this place.

It's so bright and shiny.

Clean.

Clean. That's what it is.

It's clean.

That's what it is.

Cooking would ruin it.

Hey, hey, hey.

Have you checked out
my new cupboards though?

Real wood, not
the peel-off kind.

Well, do you have any idea

What these babies go
for on the price is right?

You are living large.

And it only gets
larger, jackie. Listen.

I didn't hear a thing.

Exactly.

Whisper quiet,

Because this new
dishwasher is top-o-the-line.

Ohh!

Yesiree, the conner
family has entered the s.

Hello?

[Gasps]

Caterers!

I love you.

And it's real this time,

Not like that fleeting love

I had for the
pizza delivery boy.

Now, I need to know where
you keep your silverware.

Oh, yeah, sure.

Where'd you move my spoons?

Uh, I thought a closer
proximity to the...

My mistake.

So, is there
anything at all that...

Nothing.

We can do.

Excuse me.

Sure, yeah. Sorry.

You know, uh, usually,

I... I, you know, I'd
be a lot more help.

Working.

Dear...

Why don't you do nothing...

In the living room?

Oh. Well, so, uh...

Hey, let's watch
the macy's parade.

Yeah, I've never
actually seen that.

I could use a nap.

Isn't this couch awesome?

It's green and slanty.

What's not to like?

Yeah, and that tv just
makes the room, doesn't it?

Watching insects do it on
the discovery channel now

Is gonna be really creepy.

You don't think
it's too big, do ya?

I mean, everything is
kind of working, right?

Yeah, no! Yeah, absolutely.

It works.

It just, you know, it takes a
little bit of getting used to.

Yeah.

Yeah, you're right.

[Parade on tv]

Aah! Aah!

Oh! It's ok!

It's ok.

It's ok.

It's only al roker.

Tv: kreig drops
back into the pocket.

He throws. Incomplete.

Oh! Aw!

Aw! Jeez!

But, man, andy, look.

Doesn't it look like the
players are coming right at you?

Yeah!

Hey, look, I'm the same
size as these guys.

Hit me! I'm open! I'm open!

What a tv!

You know, it's no wonder

Men fall asleep on holidays.

It is exhausting
watching people cook.

Happy thanksgiving, everyone.

I would have been here sooner,

But homeless people were
lined up around the shelter,

And they caused a
horrible traffic jam.

It's so inconvenient.

They should close on holidays.

Mother, I am so proud of you.

You've learned to say "homeless
people" instead of "bums."

What's that?

It's a jell-o mold with kiwis.

Mother...

We have caterers this year.

Everything is done.

Did they bring a jell-o mold?

No, they did not.

Well, then I suppose someone
should say, "thank you, mother."

Go ahead, jimmy.

Thank you, mother.

Tv: fumble!

Oh! Aw!

Jeez!

Butterfingers!

Man, there must be,
like, guys in that pile.

Guys in a pile.

New year's eve, .

Oh, columbus day, .

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey!

There's no eating
in the living room.

Since when?

Since... I don't know.

But you're not supposed to eat

In a nice living room
like this, are you?

Why? We have our shirts on.

Yeah, well, that doesn't matter,

'Cause I've seen pictures of
fancy living rooms in magazines.

Now, they either have food
in them or people in them,

But they never have both.

God!

A little architectural digest

Is a dangerous thing.

[Doorbell chimes]

Can anybody hear the doorbell?

Yes.

Yeah, we heard it.

Jackie.

Happy thanksgiving.

Carlos.

It's a pleasure
to see you again.

And you.

Everyone rise!

May I present to you

Prince carlos philip...

Jonathan kent arthur...

William hobson pepe charmaine.

Hello, everyone.

Your highness, I just
want you to know

We have that picture of you
and leon dancing together

Up on our mantle next
to our wedding picture.

It's lit by a baby spot
in a soft pink filter.

It's unbelievable.

Yes, well, thank you.

Look at that!

That guy split his
pants down the back!

No?!

Well, don't go to commercial!

Ooh.

Oh, my.

Is that how you
drink in moldavia?

Yes, but don't feel you
have to keep up with me.

I'll get us a couple
more glasses,

And then we'll see who keeps
up with whom, you naughty prince.

If you scare him off,
I'll break your good hip.

Roseanne, what are
you doing in here?

I'm helping.

Oh, god, those smell great.

They're yams étouffée.

Yams?

Where's the marshmallows?

At a girl scout picnic,
where they belong.

Putting marshmallows on the yams

Is the fun part.

If you want
marshmallows, let me do it.

Now, all right.

Roseanne, you're paying these guys a
lot of money to do the job, so come on.

No, I have nothing
to do out there.

Well, you have nothing
to do in here either.

All right, fine. I'll be
out there in a minute.

...

...

...

...

...

...

Here's how!

Back in a jiffy.

Hey, prince, did
your father ever fix

That leaky roof on the
east wing of the palace?

Yes, but how on earth
did you know about that?

Well, I boinked your
father a couple of times.

To moldavia.

Three moldavia.

Mother...

Are you harassing the prince?

Ahh.

Ahh.

Must you puncture
every balloon I send up?

Carlos, is she bothering you?

Oh, no siree bob.

No siree what?

Oh, dear, I'm sorry.

I... I went years to
the university of texas.

Every now and again,
after a few cocktails,

I have sort of a
linguistic flashback.

Oh, but you're ok now?

You betcha, sister.

Yee-haw!

Uh, I mean, yes, of course.

She's coming!

She's coming! Red alert!

Oh, whoa!

Oh, you spilled!

Mayday, mayday!
We're going down.

Oh.

Jerry. Jerry, don't cry.

You didn't do it.
The grownups did.

Look, jerry, mr. Napkin is cleaning
up that evil old adult beverage.

Zoom zoom zoom.

All gone.

You know, you guys are
pretty good with kids.

How does a buck an hour and all
the fruit loops you can eat sound?

Well, we have been
reading up a lot lately

On raising children.

Sh-should I tell them?

Leon, we decided to
wait until we were sure.

Oh, I know, I know.

I know, but I'm just
so excited, scott.

Oh, go, go.

Everybody...

Scott and I are
going to adopt a baby.

Oh, that is so great!

Thank you.

That really is great.

You know that my two
dads
was a great show.

Well, congratulations, you guys.

You know, just
for the hell of it,

Why don't one of you have something
ripped from your pelvis anyway?

You're gonna adopt a baby?

Well, we tried to
conceive naturally,

But we just didn't seem
to have any luck at all.

Will you stop it?

Well, I'm appalled!

The very idea of gay
men adopting a child...

Mother!

I read somewhere that
this is how they recruit.

They can't have
children of their own,

So they have to adopt
to freshen their ranks.

Hey, ma, what do
you say after dinner

Me and you just march
right into austria?

Stay out of their
business, mother.

Don't you tell me what to do.

Why don't you
just drink up, bev.

You've got a long drive home.

Quiet! Quiet!

Just a minute, I'm
watching the game.

I know what I know,
and that is a fact.

I will not be reasoned with.

You don't know squat.

I do know one thing...

Daughters can tear the
heart out of a mother

With one word.

Oh, just name the word, mom!

I have told you that every
holiday at roseanne's,

It ends up insanity.

Well, don't start
or they'll turn on us.

Everyone, stop fighting.

I'm not fighting! I'm saving
civilization! Anarchy!

Anarchy!

Wow! The acoustics
in this new room

Just make a fight sound swell.

I can't believe we're having
argument on the holiday.

Well, he's my husband. Why
can't he take it personally?

It is true! It's her problem...

Look it up!

% Of all children
raised by h*m*

Turn out to be choreographers.

That's crap, mom.

That is just like your theory
about half the supreme court

Being on the vatican payroll.


See, I told you we should
have kept our mouths shut.

You know, you're binding me.

Whoo whee!

It's hotter than a
jalapeno in hell in here.

Carlos, what are you doing?

I'm just getting
homey, sweet pea.

All right, but what do you say
we red light the wine for now?

Ok. Just let me
top off that t*nk.

Ok, there.

Uh, you know, there's a
lot of negativity and... And...

Alcohol in this room.

I think it would be great

If we all just went
around the table

And said one thing that
we're really thankful for.

For god's sake.

Hey, come on now.

I think david's
dumb idea is great.

Everybody go around and say
something that you're thankful for,

That's wonderful.

Well, I'm happy we
won all that money.

Well, not just the money, but the
stuff the money bought us, you know?

No, no, no. Not about the money.

You know, something
more meaningful,

Something important to you.

I can't. I... I'm sorry.

You're married to
my daughter, mark.

Dear lord, thank you for mrs.
Conner's daughter, the blonde one.

Uh, thanks again.

Yeah, and I'm thankful
for all this delicious food

And, uh, the cute guys
who are serving it.

Well, I'm, uh, thankful
that my life experience

Has allowed me to
remain open-minded...

Stop making a ball
out of your bread.

Well, I would
like to give thanks

That I am not a young child

Being raised by very tasteful,

But nonetheless
light in the loafers...

Mom! Mom!

Look around you. Nobody's
talking about that anymore.

I just don't think men
should raise a child.

I married a man.

He was cruel to my
children and cheated on me,

He had horrible table manners,

And he made me drive an
old car with bald tires,

The bastard!

Mother!

Try to save a little
something for christmas.

And he's not the
only man like that.

They're all cut
from the same cloth,

Which is why I don't
particularly care for men.

Frankly, to sleep with a man is
to know how much you hate them.

By the end of my marriage,

The only way I could
have sex with my husband

Was if I stopped off at the store
and bought myself a playboy first.

Well, I think grandma's
just outed herself.

Oh, god!

Well, I've always known
it since she's a little girl.

She always liked flannel.

Have you acted on this?

With who? When?
How? No, don't tell me.

Pass the yams.

Amongst us royalty,
most everybody's gay.

We just marry so
folks won't hang us.

You know what
just really fries me?

Our whole lives,

You made me and jackie dress up
like little baby dolls, you know,

You paint our fingernails,

You tell us to always cross
our legs and act like little ladies.

You're like, "don't
ever act too smart,

'Cause you may not get a man."

And now here you
are sitting there,

My right-wing, conservative,
republican mother

Is a great big old lesbo.

Welcome to the club, bev.

We'll teach you the
secret handshake.

Ha ha ha ha.

You hate it all, don't you?

No, I don't hate it.

It's just kind of like I
miss some stuff, you know?

Like the couch and
that spot on the rug

That used to look
like mr. French.

Well, I'm kind of
embarrassed to tell you this,

But, uh, I didn't give all our
stuff to charity like you asked.

I saved some stuff.

Yeah, no kidding? Like what?

Like that picture of
the dogs playing poker

And, uh, that lamp
that d.j. Hit his head on,

You know, after
I threw it at him.

And there's one other thing.

Oh, man, the afghan.

Hey, that looks different.
You didn't wash it, did you?

God, no.

Oh, good.

Oh, yeah.

[Sighs]

I don't know.

This just didn't feel like a
regular thanksgiving, did it?

Well, it did have
its weird moments,

What with grandma
saying she was gay

And the prince
going ozark on us.

No, that part felt like
the regular thanksgiving.

It's just, I mean, like I'm not
tired, my back doesn't hurt,

And I don't have any
burns on my hands.

Well, have another piece of pie.

Maybe you'll get indigestion.

It's just the weirdest
thing, you know.

'Cause like when you're poor,
you hear people say stuff like, uh,

"Money doesn't buy happiness."

And right away you think,

"Oh, you're just not shopping
in the right place, idiot."

And then we win this
big lottery, you know,

We go crazy at the
spa and in new york.

I mean, come back home
and your dad's not here,

And it's thanksgiving, you know.

I haven't done
anything for my family.

Well, I just realized
that money is just money.

Psst! You guys, do you know,

Are we supposed
to tip the caterers?

'Cause I just heard
one of them say,

"Those rich bozos wouldn't
know the holiday spirit

If it bit them in the ass."

God, tip the caterers?

Usually our biggest problem
is whether to scrub the pan

Or just throw it out.

I just feel like I want to
do something, you know?

I don't want to feel like
this big, useless, rich jerk.

Come on, mom,
you're not useless.

You bought dinner for all of us.

Mm-hmm. Yeah, but
that's not my style.

I'm not the kind of
person that buys stuff.

I'm the kind of person
that does stuff.

Well, you can buy
stuff and do stuff, too.

Yeah.

Here's what we ought to do.

Ok, uh, here's a plate,

And an extra plate in case
that guy you're talking to

Ever shows up.

Here you go.

You know, if you were
down at the mission,

They'd make you sing a dozen hymns
before they doled out the chow.

Hey, weren't you in line
just a couple of minutes ago

With a different hat?

I admire your style.

Jackie, give this guy an extra
helping of them french yams.

Yes, sir, delicious,
buttery yams.

If you want any more, come back,

But do remember,
they are high in fat.

Hey, mom, this was a great idea.

Yeah, it really was, wasn't it?

I mean, I'm feeding people,

I'm exhausted, I
busted up a fight,

I b*rned the hell
out of my finger.

Finally, it feels
like thanksgiving.

Well, honey, it's
every man's dream, huh?

A great meal, an
overtime football game,

And now we get to
watch the wizard of oz.

Perfect... Perfect holiday.

Judy.

Oh, judy.

We got our cowardly lion here.

I heard he wasn't so cowardly.

Oh, stop.

I tell you something else
I've heard, about the tin man...

What?

All true. He was
not just tin... Steel.

Man of steel.

You know, there were
rumors that they were gay.

But in those days, there were
rumors that everyone was gay,

Except, of course ironically,
rock hudson and liberace.

Nobody dreamt
that rock hudson...

Well, they dreamt.
We could dream.

Thank god that I'm
not a lesbian, though.

Why's that?

Well, you know, what do you do?
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