09x11 - Mothers and Other Strangers

[bunniefuu]

Are you excited that
your daddy's coming home?

You remember your
daddy, don't you?

He's got a big head and
funny hair, just like you do.

Mmm, yum, yum. There's
so much to tell him.

It's almost like some
insane woman made it all up.

Mmm, mmm mmm mmm.

And while daddy was out in
california counting fat grams

And pointing out nose jobs,

Mmm, we were in new york city.

New york is funny, huh?

King kong didn't fall.

He actually jumped.

Mm-hmm.

Thank you.

And aunt jackie's
dating a prince.

You got lots bigger,

And so did darlene's tummy.

And... And d.j.'S funny
voice went away,

Which is a relief to all the
doggies in the neighborhood.

Mm-hmm.

Oh, and one more thing.
Grandma came out of the closet.

Mmm. Can you say "uh-oh"?

Uh-oh.

♪ If what doesn't k*ll us
is making us stronger ♪

♪ We're gonna last longer ♪

♪ Than the greatest
wall in china ♪

♪ Oh, that rabbit with a drum ♪

♪ If there's one thing
that I've learned ♪

♪ While waiting for my turn ♪

♪ It's that in each
life some rain falls ♪

♪ But you also get some sun ♪

♪ And we'll make
out better than ok ♪

♪ Hear what I say ♪

♪ Yeah, any day ♪

Ohh! Stop it.

Ohh! Stop it, you
princely animal!

Ohh! Uh, I gotta go.

No. No, I can't.

No, I can't.

Because I'm not alone.

No. I'm not... Ok, I will.

Ok.

Oh, you bet I will.

Bye-bye.

If you're going to have sex,

Use your own phone.

Roseanne, I have never experienced
anything like this before in my life.

I mean, I knew that the prince
was a romantic in person,

But on the phone...

Za-boom!

So what kind of
stuff does he say?

Well, you know, just stuff.

Come on, I had to listen to every
detail about how boring fred was.

Now I want to hear
about the royal stud.

Well, he...

Said that he wanted to be my...

So that he could be with me...

I mean, really with
me... All day long.

That has got to be
the grossest thing

I have ever heard in my life.

Boy, you picked yourself
a real winner there.

Ahh. So has dan
called you lately?

Yes, he has.

Oh, not like that, but yeah.

Man, I miss him so much.

I know you do.

You know, every morning
I get up and he's not there,

And just for a second I
think he's in the bathroom.

But then I see that tv guide
and that yellow highlighter,

And I know he's not
in the bathroom.

He's still out in
california with his mom.

Well, he'll be back
in a couple weeks.

Yeah, I know, but
it's still tough.

You know, we've never been apart
this long in our whole relationship.

And I mean...

I feel like i... I've
changed, you know.

I made all my own decisions.

I went wherever I wanted to go

With whoever I
wanted to go with.

I was, like, totally on my own.

Now I'm a little nervous
about when dan comes back

And I go back to making the
decisions for both of us again.

So, you know, you'll bark
him down a couple of times,

And after a few days,
everything will be back to normal.

Yeah. I don't know, though.

I just... I feel really
nervous about... Him seeing me.

You've been
married for years.

Yeah, I know, but
that whole time

I just kept him here in
lanford all isolated, you know,

And he's been out in
california, you know.

When he comes back here,
he'll see me in a different way.

Where is all this coming from?

I don't know.

I just... I just got
a weird feeling.

Let's go see barbra's
movie tonight.

She was so great on oprah.

You know, I remember
after we saw a star is born,

We went out and got
our hair all permed.

Oh, oh. Hands on
the wheel, please!

Oh, relax, scott. I got it.

I am feeling a little anxious.

My mother is not the
easiest person to talk to.

Maybe we ought to
turn the car around.

Oh, no, no, no. No, no, no, no.

Bev, you're a bit confused,
and it's perfectly natural.

You've kept this thing
hidden for such a long time.

I remember when I had
the talk with my parents.

Ok? There was a
long, awkward silence,

And then my mother
just turned to my father

And said, "you owe me bucks."

Ha ha ha.

Mine didn't even
go that smoothly.

My father would not
talk to me for years.

Every thanksgiving he
would turn the tv set away

So I couldn't watch
the football games.

How horrible. What
about your mother?

Oh, once a mama's boy,
always a mama's boy.

Oh, stop it.

We're almost there.

Just turn left
at that stop sign.

Ok. Left it is.

Tell us when to pull in.

Oh, you'll, uh,
recognize the house.

Whoa!

What in the name
of brian boitano...

Get a load of all
those pink flamingos!

And what is that thing
in the middle of the yard?

It looks like a giant windmill
made out of campbell's soup cans.

Ohh!

That's the place.

Whoa!

I think we better
lock it up, fellas.

[Knock on door]

Bev: hello?

Give me a minute. I've
got my clothes on.

Mother, it's bev, and I've
brought along some guests.

Hello. Hello.

Hello. Hello, you guys.

Hi. Welcome.
Welcome. How are you?

Thank you. Mary, is that
a real windmill out there?

You can bet your ass it is.

Listen, I brought
it from amsterdam

Right after the
spanish civil w*r.

Wow.

It used to be in my bedroom

When I was a little girl.

Mother, I see the place
hasn't changed much.

Yeah, it sure is interesting.

Oh, you like it, leon?

Well, it... It does explain
where roseanne gets her taste.

I absolutely love
this old trunk.

Ornate, yet calm.

Oh, I traded meyer lansky,
the famous gangster, for it.

No!

Mother's wild stories that
everyone has heard a thousand times.

No! No, not here!

Not a block off the highway

In the middle of corn country.

Oh, my. Oh, my.

I... I feel faint.

Give me air. Give me air, honey.

Mary, do not tell me that
that is an authentic picasso.

It better be a real picasso.

I posed nude for that
for days. Got pneumonia.

Oh, that old letch.

Oh, like you knew picasso.

Give me a big break!

Here's what I'd
like to give you!

Scott.

Scott, let's go antiquing.

Now? Yes, right now.

I love it when you're impulsive.

I just think there's a gustav
stickley rocking chair out there

With our names on it.

I bet she slept with picasso.

In a cubist second.

All right, beverly, what
the hell are you doing here?

You haven't been here for, uh...

Were you ever here?

Yes, but it's been a long time.

Actually, I thought
we might, uh, chat.

Ok. Let's chat.

You and I have never had
a mother-daughter talk,

And now that I am all grown up,

I think it's time we did.

Oh, god, I was hoping to
postpone it for another decade.

Mother!

Yeah, what?

Well, you see, I am at a...

At a... At a
crossroads in my life.

I mean, I just don't
know where I'm going...

Ever since I blurted out to the
world that I'm attracted to women.

When did you do this?

Thanksgiving!

Thanksgiv... Oh, yeah. I
was there. I remember.

I've realized that my whole life
is just one mistake after another.

Oh, man, that really sucks.

It...

It's true, mom!

I quit secretarial school

Despite the fact that I
excelled in stenography.

Yes.

I married the first
man who came along.

You married the first
schmuck that came along.

Mother, I came here in search
of answers, not criticism!

That is not criticism.
That was a commentary.

Mother, I came here for help.

I thought you could perhaps
give me some hint, some clue,

Something to help
me understand myself.

All right. You are
a rebel just like me.

You just had different
things to rebel against.

What are you babbling about?

All right, sit down.

Now, remember when I used
to get drunk with hemingway?

I wasn't there.

Well, you remember.

And... And I used to go smoke
reefers in harlem with the jazz crowd?

Well, you were rebelling
against the woman that I was then.

You became a kind of uptight,
repressed, conformist.

Does any of this
help you, honey?

I was not uptight and repressed.

I was a realist.
Someone had to be.

All you did was wake me up

In the middle of the night

So we could skip out on the rent

And move on to another town

Or move on to another boyfriend.

I never knew where
we were going to live.

I never went to the same school.

I never knew when
you'd come home at night.

You were mentally unstable.

No, beverly.

What I was was what they
used to call a free spirit.

Yes, I was.

Uh, you know, I
had you very young,

So I parked you with my
mother for a couple of years.

But when I came back, there
was no running around.

Come on, you went to
the same school then,

And you slept in the same bed,

And I did every menial
job that came along.

I gave up all my dreams
of being an artiste,

A ballerina, a writer,
a union organizer...

Come on, beverly, all I
got left are my treasures.

You know it. I
wasn't a bad mother.

I never said you
were a bad mother.

Well, kiddo, you
certainly were hinting at it.

Mom, I've asked you this before
and you've always avoided it.

Who was my father?

You know what? I'm... I'm going
to make us some sandwiches.

Both jerry and andy
are down for their naps.

I think this baby thing
is going to be a breeze.

You just remember
that when I'm in labor

And I'm ripping your throat out.

What are you guys doing?

Well, I unloaded the dishwasher,

And I listened to aunt jackie
get an obscene phone call,

And I'm kind of just sitting
here thinking about dan.

Hey, did you tell him about
all the remodeling you did yet?

Well, no, not all of
it, 'cause, you know,

It's supposed to be a great
big surprise when he gets here.

Hmm. You think so?

Well, yeah. We got new
cupboards, the new table here,

The convection oven,
whatever the hell that is.

Well, uh, what about
the living room?

What about it?

Well...

I don't think dad could
even fit in this chair.

Well, so what? He'll
sit someplace else.

All right, everybody get out.

You're ruining my
surround sound.

Mute.

I don't know, mom.

It just doesn't seem
like dad's taste to me.

Darlene, this is the first
furniture we have ever had

That we did not buy
off of somebody's lawn.

Well, yeah, but is it dad?

Well, of course it is.

Isn't it?

Well, some of the old stuff
was, uh, a little more, uh...

You know, uh, guy friendly.

This is totally guy friendly.

You just can't tell
'cause it's still clean.

I don't think you have anything
to worry about, mrs. Conner.

I mean, look at me. I'm a guy,
and i... I love this new stuff.

I'm screwed.

See, now you've got me all unsure
of myself and feeling all nervous.

Tell me the truth, jackie.
What do you really think?

Well...

[Telephone rings]

I got it. No, I got it! No.

You know it's for me, anyway.

No, it's for me.

No! Uhh! Oooww.

Ow!

Hello?

No, actually, I
wouldn't like that.

It's the prince.

Hello.

[Giggling]

Aah!

Beverly, you're still here?

Of course I'm still here.

Remember? You just went into the
kitchen to make us some sandwiches.

Oh, that's right.

Well, you're welcome to
half, but, uh, I'm warning you,

I... I sprinkled my
metamucil all over it.

I'm not really hungry, anyway.

Mother, you have not
answered my question.

Who is my father?

All right. Bev, let
me tell you a story.

Sit down.

Um, there was this
party in a mansion in paris.

Ok? And... No, maybe it
was at a restaurant.

Uh, anyway, coming towards
me was this handsome actor.

Remember? He used to swing from the trees
in those pictures. Um... Uh... Tarzan?

Tarzan? Yeah.

Are you telling me that tarzan
was my father? Johnny weissmuller?

Yeah.

Mother, no more stories.

I don't know who my father is!

Well, then we're even.
I don't know, either.

You really don't know?

No. I narrowed it down
to guys. Really only .

Because...

I mean, you have no talent for
art, so it couldn't be picasso.

You can't play the piano, so
it can't be arthur rubenstein.

Well, I can sing. Could
it be louis armstrong?

That is a distinct possibility.

Mother!

All right.

Come on, bev, you
got to remember.

Stop this! Life is a banquet.

You got to learn how
to take big bites out of it.

I love you.

I love you, but get
the hell off my back!

I need help.

Honey, listen to me.

Everybody goes
down a different road.

It doesn't matter what
the hell other people think.

"To thine own self be true."

Shakespeare said that.

Or maybe it was in the bible.

Oh, no. I know. It
was steve allen.

Here, have a cigar.

I don't smoke, mother.

Oh, well, castro
gave me these cigars.

Yeah, when?

Oh, yeah, new york,

A long time ago. He was
doing the jack paar show.

That cigar box is lovely.

It would be perfect
for potpourri.

Yeah, you like it?

I do.

Have it.

You know, there's a lot
of other stuff around here

I'd like you to have,

But I didn't think
you liked any of it.

I liked it.

I just didn't want
you to know it.

Why?

Maybe I really am a rebel.

You know, in this life, there
are more questions than answers.

Maybe it's meant to be that
way so it keeps us on our toes.

You know, mom...

What?

Thanks.

You're welcome.

You're ok, kiddo.

Ok, jackie. What do you think?

Roseanne, it's a
little revealing.

I know. I bought it for
when dan comes home,

To distract him in case
he don't like the furniture.

Well, it works,
'cause I'm your sister,

And even I can't keep
my eyes off your rack.

Well, it's common
knowledge, jackie,

Men prefer boobs
over end tables any day.

[Doorbell rings]

God, it's real
roses, jackie. Look.

Not the for $ . Roses.

Carlos. He is so romantic!

What in the hell makes you
think they're from carlos?

Because your husband
wouldn't send you any flowers.

Oh, yeah. But your
dirty-mouth prince would.

Yes, he would!

Hey, yeah!

[Laughing]

Get off me.

Ahh, "can't wait
to see you, honey."

Ho ho ho. "There's
no place like home."

They're for me!

"Can't wait to see you, honey.

There's no place
like home. Love, dan"!

God, jackie. Oh, my god.

Dan's expecting home.

I mean like the old home.
You know what I mean?

Like the "coffee table with
the beer can stains on it" home.

My god. I got to get some
of the things he used to like

And put them back out here.

Maybe that'll help ease
his way into the new.

Oh, is this your "I'm going
to be a grandma" look?

Hey, darlene, we
didn't get rid of that

dogs playing poker
picture, did we?

Believe it or not, somebody
stole it out of the garage.

Go figure.

I'm gonna have to have
that 'cause you dad loved it.

Mrs. Conner, you do know that
that was just a reproduction?

Where can I get another one?

Have you checked the
lanford house of velvet?

You know, I could
paint you another one.

I could probably do
it just from memory.

Yeah, sure. Really?

Yeah, it's one of those images

That sears itself
into your cornea.

I'll go get started.

Oh, my god, jackie, I am
just totally nervous.

Everything in the house is
just too different, including me.

Ever since I went to
that spa, I look different.

Mmm, no, you don't.

Sure she does.

Her hair's shinier...

Oh, yeah. If there's one
thing dad cares about,

It's shiny hair.

Well, all I know, jackie, is that
dan is not going to be returning

To the demure little lanford
hausfrau that he left behind.

I've been out in the world.

I've lived, I've traveled,

I've experienced
a million things.

I've got a
self-defrosting freezer.

And there is that little
matter of the t*rrorists.

My god, jackie, what kind of a
man wants to sleep with a woman

Who's thrown a man off a train?

Roseanne! Get hold of yourself.

Dan doesn't care
about that stuff.

All he's ever wanted,
really, is just a place to sit.

My god, and I gave that away.

[Groans]

Dan doesn't care how fancy
all your crap has gotten.

He just wants you
here. You know that.

What if...

Now, just stop!
What if? What if?

What if cars ran on spit?

You know what nana mary says.

"There will always be more
questions than answers in this life."

There you go.

I sketched out that
picture of the dogs for you.

That poodle looks
a little like becky.

David!

He did that from
memory. It's perfect.

What, are you crazy?
It's not even close.

The bulldog is supposed
to have the full house,

And the chihuahua has the pair.

So?

The bulldog has to win!

That's the whole
point of the painting!

Oh, my god! I know what.

I've got something
in the bedroom

That will make dan really,
really excited to be home.

Oh, god. Ok.

Another eye-popping
cleavage outfit.

Hah? Here we go.

See?

I'm going to put this

Right back on the
mantelpiece over the...

Ohhh, god!

I got rid of the fireplace.