04x20 - A Judge and a Priest Walk Into a Living Room...

[bunniefuu]

"The Conners" is filmed

in front of a live studio audience.

Okay.

Now let's see what we all
agree on for the wedding.

Nothing.

So we'll start from there.

Uh, okay.

Under "Entertainment,"

I think we can safely cross off
Fleetwood Mac.

Why?

We really want them,

and you never know unless you try.

I-I... I think Lindsey
Buckingham lives in the area.

I'm almost positive I saw him
at the Goodwill.

And you should see him now...
bald, overweight.

He's virtually unrecognizable.

Okay, you saw a random old lady
with alopecia.

Near miss. Moving on.

Oh, Harris and Aldo,

I was a little surprised by your choice.

Now, I did not figure you guys
for patrons of the opera.

Okay, so, I met this guy
at the tattoo shop.

Listen to this.

MAN: [On cellphone]
♪ So wait and pray each night for me ♪

♪ Till we meet again ♪

I mean, it's not "Landslide,"
but it's pretty good.

Well, all in favor?

- Oh, yeah.
- Hey, hey, hey! Okay.

Our first unanimous choice is opera.

Did not see that coming.

Uh, okay, next, location.

Oh, come on. It has to be
the reptile house at the zoo.

I removed something from
the gullet of Totoro,

their Komodo dragon.

He ate his girlfriend,

so this is the closest he's
ever gonna get to a wedding.

Okay, we have a choice
that's way better...

the shores of the Des Plains River.

Shores?

There's just a cement bank with
the skeletons of the animals

that drank out of the river.

Oh, yeah, but I mean
a block further down

where the current washes
the carcasses into the lake.

It is so pretty.

Why don't you just have it here
at the house?

We'll move the furniture out,
the place will look great,

and you can save a ton of money.

Great idea, Dan. Thanks.

I think you've earned yourself a beer.

[Scoffs] If you insist.

- Yeah? Huh?
- Yeah!

Hey, hey, hey!

Okay, great, we got a location.

Next, ceremony.

Okay, okay, this is my only ask.

I really want one piece of
the wedding to feel like me,

so instead of a priest,

I would like the person officiating
the ceremony to be someone secular.

The guy who just notarized my
home loan is a retired judge,

and he said he would be happy to do it.

Well, I don't know.

Okay, how about this?

What if we take all our wedding
announcement pictures

for the newspaper at The Lunch Box

and we all hold stew
instead of bouquets?

Oh, honey, please?

Free advertising gets
Mama's motor runnin'.

Wow, I never imagined
getting married by a judge

instead of a priest,

but I want to make you happy,

so sentence me to your love prison

and throw away the key, Your Honor.

Hey, everybody,
the bakery just sent over

samples of wedding cakes.

If you want to get in there
before Beverly Rose

has licked all of them,
you better hurry.

Don't you want to pick out a cake?

I've seen your daughter
drink toilet water.

I'll go with the group.

So...

Did you get Aldo off the having
a baby right away thing?

Yeah.

Usually when he comes up with an idea,

he gets distracted by something
else and forgets about it.

So I got him a , -piece
Lego Taj Mahal.

That should buy me to years.

x - A Judge and a Priest
Walk Into a Living Room...

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

- Hey, Harris?
- Hey.

I want to surprise Neville with
something for the wedding,

so could you tattoo his name
on my ring finger?

So, Aldo is the lettering master,

but if you want Neville riding
a dragon between your boobs,

I could do that.

Uh, let's start with the finger first,

and, uh, but, yeah, maybe
for our silver anniversary,

when there's more space
between the girls.

I can't wait for the weddings.

If any family needed a boost of
fresh DNA, this is it.

Hey, stop jawin' and fold
that afghan, would ya?

Man, this has been here forever, right?

Where'd it come from?

Well, it's an interesting story.

Around the turn of the last century...

our family lived in a small town
in Ireland called Kilkenny.

Aah! They k*lled Kenny!

Save whatever that is for your kids.

Anyway...

they were very poor,

so my great-grandfather decided
to take a boat to America

to seek his fortune.

But the family was worried
that the baby,

my... my grandfather,
would die from the cold.

[Laughs] Your grandfather was a baby.

So was yours.

Anyway, they crocheted that
to keep the baby warm.

That afghan represents the hopes
and dreams of our family

coming to America.

I guess all the hopes and dreams
fell through the holes.

What you looking at?

Oh, uh, now that I'm gonna be
moving into the new house

with Darlene, I adjusted the plans.

Here, check it out.

See, I'm taking out this
guest bedroom with the bath

and I'm putting in a music room
for me and Mark.

- Hmm.
- Huh?

That's my room.

Oh, damn.

Well, I didn't know you were
still planning on

moving in with us. I'm sorry.

No, no, no, that's fine.

There's a little Harry Potter
space under the stairs.

I can raise Beverly Rose there.

At least until she starts hunching over.

Then we can move to
the tool shed. It's taller.

Don't be silly.

My golf clubs go under the stairs.

Ben doesn't want me there.

He thinks I'll be in the way.

No, I'm sure they both want you there.

But if not, over time, you'll learn

to ignore all the snide comments

and the way their bodies tense up

when you walk through the door.

Ah, here's another dusty, old thing

that's been on the couch forever.

I tried putting it out on the curb,

but no one will take it.

[Laughs] See?

Over time, it gets easier.

♪♪

[Door opens]

Hey, babe. Before we grab lunch,

can we stop and pick up my tux?

It's so cool.

They added panels to the pant
legs to accommodate my calves.

Don't need 'em Hulkin' out
during the ceremony.

Smash!

No, no, we need to talk.

W-What's up?

I went to go check our wedding registry,

and I saw that someone
bought us a breast pump,

and I thought, "That's weird as hell."

And then I realized you changed
the wedding registry

to a baby shower registry.

Yeah, well, I got no baby stuff
left over from my kids

'cause my ex turned our garage
into a meth lab

and blew it all up!

I told you I didn't want
to have a baby right away.

Why would you do that?

I'm almost ,
and I want to have a child

with the woman I love,
and I need to have it now.

Okay, well, I'm , and I don't
want to have a baby now.

How about in a year?

No.

I don't know if it's going to be years

or years or years.

years? Who knows
how old I'll be in years?

That's not gonna work for me.

I don't care if it doesn't work for you.

I'm the one who has to have the baby.

Then why are we even getting married?

You only wanted to marry me

so we could have a baby right away?

Of course that wasn't the only reason.

But it... it is a big one.

Then maybe we're getting married
for different reasons.

Maybe we're not getting married at all.

What are you saying?
That you won't marry me?

Yeah. I guess I am.

I know I am.

No, I-I'm not gonna be pressured
into something this important.

I didn't want it to be pressure.

I-I wanted it to be
something that we both wanted.

And it's not.

[Door opens, closes]

♪♪

[Sighs] How you doing?

Not great.

I know it's gonna be hard
to be a bridesmaid in a wedding

where you were supposed to be a bride.

Oh, my God, I have to be a bridesmaid?!

Thanks, Becky. I was gonna
break it to her slowly.

That's what these

dinosaur-shaped chicken tenders are for.

Look, you know how badly
I want you there, right,

but I will totally understand
if you can't do it.

I'm not gonna let what happened
between me and Aldo

ruin your wedding.

Aww, thank you.

And before you take a bite,

you should know that's good,
healthy, plant-based chicken.

That is a Tofu-dactyl and that's
a Tyranno-soy-rus Rex.

This whole thing is going to be so hard.

And now I have to find
a new place to live too.

Hey, how about you get a place
with your Aunt Becky?

It'll be like in the olden days...

one generation taking care of the next,

helping each other with our burdens.

I'm not gonna be your niece-wife
and help you raise your kid.

Even if it's true, that's
a lousy thing to accuse me of!

♪♪

Then you say, "I do, I do,"

rings, rings, and then I say,

"By the power vested in me
by the State of Illinois,"

bam, you're married,

and we're done in time to catch
the end of the Cubs game.

Hey, sweet.

Okay, well, I'll see you on the big day.

Get some rest.

Oh, don't forget to vote,
even in the small elections.

Hey, if I promise to do all that stuff,

can you fix a parking ticket for me?

Excuse me, I thought I was in Illinois.

[Door opens, closes]

It's gonna be great, right?

I can't do this.

He has no soul.

I have commemorated
every important event

in my life in God's presence
with a priest,

and now, I'm getting married,
and God's not gonna watch it.

He's gonna do dishes until the reruns

of "Highway to Heaven" come on.

Watching with Michael Landon,
I might add!

C-Come on, Neville, Neville.

We were taught that God is everywhere.

H-H-He's in this family,
being all around us.

Okay, no disrespect,
and I love them very much,

but that family's all going to hell!

I need God in this house
when I get married,

or Jackie and I are getting
married somewhere else.

Oh, damn it.

This isn't fair.

This was our wedding first.

[Sighs]

What?

I let Neville believe
that Michael Landon

is watching television
in the clouds with God.

I could've buried that guy.

♪♪

- [Tattoo g*n buzzing]
- So, now,

Neville doesn't want to get married

with Ben and Darlene

unless they bring in a priest.

The whole thing is a mess.

You're lucky you got out when you did.

[Sniffles] Do these
look like tears of luck?

Ow.

- Done.
- Okay.

[Gasps] No.

It was supposed to say "Neville."

You wrote "Never."

Uh, I'm... I'm so sorry.
After the "Nev,"

- I-I got caught up thinking about...
- [Gasps]

...how I'd never be happy again,

and then the "Er"
just came out naturally.

You moron!

You've jinxed my wedding!

I have "never" written
on my ring finger!

As if I'll never be happy,
I'll never get married,

I'll never be able to slap
my mother with my wedding ring

so it leaves a dent!

How 'bout I put "Neville"
on your neck for free?

No, I'm not letting you near my jugular!

- Oh!
- Ah!

This whole wedding, it's going to hell.

My finger's gonna fall off
because Aldo botched my tattoo.

Neville will only get married
if there's a priest.

We don't fix that,

I end up a nine-fingered spinster!

Okay, you're overreacting.

You're going to be
a ninefingered married lady.

Oh.

You and Neville can get a priest,

and Ben and I will just
get married another time.

What? No, no.
We have to get married together.

Why is this such a big deal to you?

Because I keep thinking about your mom

and how she was so worried that
you and I would never be happy,

and she'd say, "There's gotta be
somebody out there

lucky enough to get Darlene.

There's gotta be somebody out there

desperate and broken enough
to marry Jackie."

Okay, but Mom is gone,
and she's not gonna know.

I believe that your mom's spirit
is gonna be at the wedding.

And I think that she would be so happy

to watch us get married together.

I think she's laughing her ass off

that I'm trapped
in this thing, but okay.

Okay, okay.

- All right.
- All right.

- All we need to do...
- Yeah?

...is find a way to have
a priest there for Neville

and a judge there for me.

Or... Or go with me on this.

What if...

we have a priest there for Neville

and a judge there for you?

Wow.

Where did that come from?

Right?

♪♪

It's late.

And I can't sleep without the gentle
iron-lung sound of your CPAP machine.

I'm just thinking about tomorrow.

I know.

The kids are moving on with their lives.

But it's not like
they're leaving tomorrow.

We still have to build
the house for them.

Yeah, but it's the beginning of the end.

I have a feeling this marriage
is gonna stick for Darlene,

and once their house is finished,

she'll take Harris and Mark
and Becky and Beverly Rose too.

Okay. I'm gonna jump in here.

I've given you a couple of
chances to say,

"But I got you, babe,
and that's enough."

Well, now that you said it,
I don't need to.

Yeah, you do, and you better.

You know how much I love you,
and you know it's not the same.

I'm sure they'll come back all the time

with a whole bunch
of emotional problems.

You did a lousy job raising them.

So you got that to hang onto.

♪♪

Okay, I finally see it.

What?

Why Ben would marry you.

I really didn't get it till just now.

Turns out the only thing keeping
you from looking decent

was a shower and a brush.

Save it for your toast.

Anyway, I've been thinking.

You and Ben are starting a new life.

So I've decided it's better

that I don't move in with you.

Oh.

Um, well, it's... it's up to you,

but I was really hoping that you would.

Really?

Yeah.

I mean, Ben and I
aren't gonna have kids,

and he really wants one,

and I think Beverly Rose
running around the house

would be good for him.

So you're just using me for my kid?

Unless you want to play
hide-and-seek with Ben.

It isn't really about
Beverly Rose, is it?

After all our ups and downs?

[Voice breaking] You just... love
your sister and you want her around?

Ugh, fine!

It's not bad enough I have to
tell Ben I love him

in a couple minutes,
now I have to tell you too?

This is why I don't wear a dress.
People get all emotional.

[Chuckles]

♪♪

[Clears throat]

What the hell?

That's the opera singer that Aldo hired.

His name is Puddles and
he's a famous lifestyle clown.

That means he never talks

and just looks like that all the time.

♪ Here come the brides ♪

♪ All dressed in white ♪

♪ Sweetly, serenely in love's
golden light ♪

♪ Sweet love united ♪

- Damn, that clown can sing.
- Yeah.

♪ For eternity ♪

Welcome.

We are here to celebrate
these joyous unions

before the eyes of God.

RAY: And for the atheists among us,

before the eyes
of our friends and family,

who are actually real.

Really?

Just a happy accident.

We ask God for His blessings
upon these two loving couples,

and we call upon Him to watch
over and protect these unions.

The couples will now share their vows

- before God.
- And Abraham Lincoln.

You know, since we're playing
"Let's Pretend."

- Um...
- Does... Does that say "never"?

Yeah, it was a mistake,

and the old Jackie
would've taken it as a bad sign

and freaked out and ruined
the whole wedding,

but because of you, I can see
things in a different way now.

So it stands for
I've never been happier,

I've never been more optimistic
about the future,

and I'll never leave you.

[Guests "Aww"]

- Aww.
- [Chuckles]

- Oy.
- Sorry.

As soon as this is done here,
I've got to get this drained.

Uh, to me, uh, "never" stands
for never been married

because I never thought I would
find the perfect woman.

But I did.

The first time you walked into
my office for a job,

I took one look at you and thought,

"Oh, this little kid must be lost."

Then I realized you were a grown adult,

which made it much easier
to be attracted to you.

Ugh, no. This isn't really

- turning out the way I anticipated.
- Yeah.

Darlene.

Whatever life brings us,

I know it's going to be okay

because I'll have you by my side.

And there's not a moment in my
life that won't be made better

sharing it with you.

[Guests "Aww"]

[Breathes shakily]

I have made so many mistakes in my life.

And it's just... it's crazy,

'cause I keep being thrown blessings,

like my family and my kids.

And finally you.

I do not feel like I deserve you,

but I'm gonna do everything I can

to make you happy

and hang on to you
for the rest of my life.

I love you, Ben.

I don't think there's anything
to add to that.

Except...

Ha! Ha! She said "blessings."

So what God has joined together,
let no man put asunder.

Wait, we forgot the "I dos."

Uh, well... well, do it.

- Oh, I do.
- I-I do!

- I do.
- I do.

By the power vested in me
by the State of Illinois...

And God, who created
the State of Illinois

when He was creating everything else...

BOTH: We now pronounce you
husbands and wives.

- [Cheers and applause]
- PUDDLES: ♪ It had to be you ♪

♪ It had to be you ♪

♪ I wandered around ♪

♪ Finally found somebody who ♪

♪ Could make me be true ♪

♪ Could make me be blue ♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪