09x16 - Lanford's Elite

All episode transcripts for the TV show "Roseanne". Aired: October 18, 1988 - May 20, 1997.*
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Explore life, death and everything in between through the relatable, hilarious and brutally honest lens of the working-class Conner household.
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09x16 - Lanford's Elite

Post by bunniefuu »

Look at this junk.

Ever since we've been
doing rich people stuff,

We've been getting
rich people mail.

So what is that,

A car phone answering machine?

Now, that, I think,
sounds kind of good.

So, what? "I can't take
your call. I'm in the house."

Do you have any
interest in that?

No. No more marie osmond dolls

Until I've totally paid
off my joan rivers jewelry.

Whoa. Check out the
heft on that paper.

It's thicker than the
paneling in d.j.'S room.

What we got there?

Oh, look at this.

"Dear future friend,
you have been selected

"To attend a
members-only luncheon

At the exclusive
lanford country club."

We've arrived!

"Your presence is
greatly anticipated."

Look at this. Look at that.

The letters are raised.

It's like they punched
it out from the back!

This is the lanford elite!

What am I gonna wear?
Wha-wha-wha... How...

How am I gonna move?

There's nothing to worry about.

We've wined and dined with
the rich and famous, remember?

We were on the vineyard
with the wentworths there.

We hobnobbed with high
society over in new york.

You're right. We'll
just walk right in there

With our heads held
just high enough

To look down our noses.

Yeah, and what you do, you just
keep reaching for the cocktails,

You talk about
foreign affairs...

Specifically, like, the caste
system over there in india...

And you just gripe how
you can't find no good help.

I can do that!

Sure you can. It's simple.

Forks to the left,
politics to the right.

♪ If what doesn't k*ll us
is making us stronger ♪

♪ We're gonna last longer ♪

♪ Than the greatest
wall in china ♪

♪ Or that rabbit with a drum ♪

♪ If there's one thing
that I've learned ♪

♪ While waiting for my turn ♪

♪ It's that in each
life some rain falls ♪

♪ But you also get some sun ♪

♪ And we'll make
out better than ok ♪

♪ Hear what I say ♪

♪ Yeah, any day ♪

This is just like the
old days, roseanne...

You and me getting all
dressed up, ready to go out.

Yeah. You want me to hand
you a handful of kleenex

So you can stuff your bra?

Look...

Just because you were blessed
with enough to feed an army,

Doesn't mean you have to
make fun of the little people.

So, are you all
right that the kids

Are visiting dan in
that hotel room today?

Yeah, I'm fine.

I'll interrogate them
under the hot lights later.

Sure is peaceful.

Yeah, and with
that toilet running,

It kind of reminds
me of yellowstone.

Ok. My left hand looks good,

But my right hand
looks like I did it

With my left hand, which I did.

I'll finish it. I am so excited

About going to the
country club today.

It's not like when we
were in high school

And we used to
stand out front there

Selling them back
their own golf balls.

Yeah, well, that's
when we were from

The wrong side of the tracks,

But now, thanks to the wise
investment of one dollar,

We're from the right side.

You are so calm. Aren't
you even a little bit excited?

Well, maybe.

My stomach's all nervous.

My stomach's fine. It's my
big mouth that frightens me.

I haven't eaten!
That's what it is.

I'm gonna make myself a snack.

You want something?

Are you crazy?

This is the first time these
people are gonna see me.

I wanna look my best.

I'm gonna be squeezing
my ass into a size pants.

Roseanne, you have
to be able to breathe.

You just keep me away
from that buffet table, ok?

And pray that there is no
celery stuffed with peanut butter.

Do you think our crooked
mayor's gonna be there?

Yeah. I think he's got
at least a -mile radius

On that little ankle bracelet.

Do you think some of our
old bosses will be there?

The wellmans?
Wouldn't that be weird?

No, I don't think so,
'cause it's saturday,

And saturdays are
"flog the worker day."

What if we run into mrs. Tate
of the "lumber lord" tates?

Or that barnes guy that has
the whole chain of supermarkets?

Yeah, and his gold digger
wife, I'm sure she'll be there,

'Cause it's an open bar.

Roseanne, you know what?

Oh, my god. What? We might...

We might be able to
meet the poultry king.

Relax, jackie.
He's just like us.

He puts his jacket
on one wing at a time.

Hello. I'm billington fresmond,

The membership
committee chairman.

Welcome to the
lanford country club.

I'm so glad you could
make it today, mrs. Conner.

Oh, well, thank you, billington.

Let me introduce you
to my sister jackie.

Hello. It's yeah,
very nice... That's nice.

Let me tell you, if I may...

About all of our facilities.

In addition to our
-hole golf course,

We have tennis courts
with lights for night playing,

We have an indoor
olympic-size swimming pool,

And a fully equipped
exercise room, or so I'm told.

In addition, we have lanford's
finest gourmet restaurant.

They cater all of our luncheons.

So, what, you get
a free case of veal

Every time you sign
up a new member?

Well, my sister's quite
the kidder, you know...

Enjoy everything you
can in the wellman room.

The wellman room. Jeez,
after all those years

Of slaving away in his factory,

Now we have to eat in a
room that has his name?

And look, the old man's just
gonna be looking at us all night.

To this day, I cannot look up

At the old wellman
place on the hill

Without chills
running down my spine.

Remember when we were little

And we used to say all
the shadows up there

Were the ghosts of all the
children who disappeared?

That is because that is what
happened to the krane twins!

They went in that house
and never came out!

Ohh! Jackie, come on.
They moved to scottsdale.

Yeah, yeah. Sure they did.

Ha!

Ha ha ha ha ha!

That's mrs. Barnes over there.

Look. She's totally smashed.

[Slurring words] so I
made his royal highness

Buy me a mink coat to make up

For getting me the wrong
stinking cartier watch.

Didn't i?

So I guess she won't be
donating any blood today.

Excuse me. Excuse me, ladies.

Aren't you, uh, jackie harris?

Jackie harris, yes.
I'm jackie harris.

I thought so!

You and her are the ones

That used to steal
the golf balls!

We'll be moving on.

Hello! I am mrs. Jack tate.

Jack tate, as in the
"lumber lord" tates.

I am so happy to meet you.

I've been following the
news of your good fortune.

You see, I'm not just
mrs. Lumber lord.

I am also chairman of the
committee for moral decency.

You see, we've been
working very hard

To stop ebonics from
infecting our schools.

Why? That's the one sh*t
my son has of being bilingual.

Well, hopefully we can
count on your support.

I'm sorry, but my
charity dollars

Are already earmarked for
bailing out death row records.

Oh, jeez! Oh!

Oh, man. Oh, jeez! Here I go.

I'm so sorry. That's all right.

Mrs. Barnes has been slamming
into me all afternoon anyway.

We enjoying the party, are we?

Oh, yeah. Oh, we sure are.

Well, good to see you
dressed up for it, huh?

Nice t-shirt there.

The gap.

Oh, yeah. Me, too.

Sharon stone,
yeah. Sharon stone.

Oh, this is some shindig.
Even the mayor is here.

Oh, my god. There is the mayor.

And he's coming over here.

Tell him you voted for
him. I'm sure he'll love that.

Hello, edgar. I haven't
seen you in quite a while.

Mayor.

Well, I just had
to come over here

And meet one of
lanford's leading citizens.

Actually, you have met
me before, remember?

You came to my
house selling amway.

Oh, well... I... I was...

I was, uh, just helping
out the wife on that one.

You know, for a campaign
contribution of $ , or more,

I can arrange it so you can
sit seats from the podium...

Just ... At the city council.

Could you say that again, mayor?

This little microphone doesn't
pick up everything real easy.

D... Uh... Wh...

Willie!

Now, there's a hard-working man.

He even stuffs his
own ballot boxes.

There. Cheers.

Oh, thank you.

This town just doesn't
seem the same to me,

But then I've been gone
for a while, traveling...

Oh, traveling, yes.

We've been traveling abroad.

We have been to...

Abroad.

New york? New york...

Jackie: city.

We were studying
the caste system.

You know, over there in india.

Uh-huh.

Oh, yeah. They got a terrible,
terrible problem over there.

They do, yeah.

And, uh...

And it's so hard
to find good help.

Isn't it, though? Yeah.

So what do you think of
the little clubhouse here?

Well, it's not too shabby,

Except for the picture of old
man wellman hanging over there.

Look at that...

That kind of... You know,
inbred, ferret-faced kind of...

Beady-eyed,
veiny-nosed, hairy-eared,

Kind of bag o' nickels.

Bag o' nickels... I
just made that up.

I can't... How could anybody stare
at him long enough to paint a picture?

Hey... How'd you like
to meet one of his kids?

No. They're not allowed
to go out during the day.

They can't be in the sun.

Oh. Well, it's a
pleasure to meet you.

I'm edgar wellman jr.

Ohh!

Hey, it's all right.
It's all right, ladies.

It's pre-shrunk. I'm
fine, I swear. Sit down.

I can't believe you're
edgar wellman jr.

Yes, ma'am. I hope that doesn't
ruin your whole afternoon.

Well, we ju... We...
Uh, you know...

Hey, it's all right.
Hey, calm down.

Don't worry about it.

It's not like I haven't
heard this stuff before.

I'm jackie harris. This is
my sister roseanne conner.

Hi. Yeah, hi.

What are you doing here?

I thought you'd be, like,
sailing boats over in europe

Or racing cars in monte
carlo or something.

No, that's my brother.

So you're the one

That had his graduation
party on the concorde.

No. That's my sister.

Actually, it's my other brother,

But he thinks he's my sister.

Oh, my go... Oh, god!

Well, that must've made
your dad's head spin.

No, not really. I was the
black sheep in the family.

I was the wellman they
never talked about.

You know what? Me and my sister,

We used to work at
wellman plastics factory,

And not even a day goes
by where I don't hear

Your dad's motivational speeches

That used to blare
over the loudspeaker.

"Concentration on work
makes you a better person."

My favorite... "Spot
and eliminate hazards."

We had the same
announcements in the house,

Only my father called
them bedtime stories.

He was trying to groom
me for corporate life,

But I just couldn't
do that. I quit.

He wasn't the easiest
guy to live with.

He wasn't the easiest
guy to work for, either.

You're the woman my
mother used to call "roxanne."

You're the one that
kind of stirred up

All the trouble at the factory.

Over what, extra
stall in the ladies room?

No! It was actually about
having to meet unrealistic quotas.

What the hell do you
think you're doing?

We had a deal.

You sound angry, roseanne.

You told me if I toed the
line, you'd drop the quotas.

Why are you doing this?

Because I can.

No, you can't.

I did, and when I broke you,

I knew you were just
like the rest of them,

And you'll stay, and
you'll do your , ,

And so will your loser
friends, or they're gone.

This ain't the way
you motivate people,

And any manager would know that,

And you are a lot of things,
but you ain't no manager.

Sweetheart, you just bought
yourself a bunch of trouble.

No, sweetheart, you did.

Hey, I'm not done with you.

Don't you walk away
when I'm talking to you!

Well, I hear you
nearly caused a riot.

No. The only noise we made

Was the sound of our sneakers
squeaking on the floor as we left.

You ok, sis? No, I'm not ok.

I mean, I tried to be ok,

But he doesn't want me to be ok.

He doesn't want
any of us to be ok.

You know why?
Because he's not ok, ok?

I told you not to
walk away from me.

I'm walking away
from you, faber,

And I'm walking away
from this stinking factory.

I'm walking away
from this lousy job!

That was a wonderful
performance, roseanne.

May I point out there
are doors to this room...

One that pays and
one that doesn't.


I guess we're not gonna make
our quota today, honeybunch.

So I bet you think
I'm a real shrew, huh?

No. I think you're quite unique.

So did my father,

Although he didn't
exactly put it that way.

No. The walkout was the
beginning of the end for the old man.

He just didn't have the
concept of talking to labor.

Actually, I think
it's common sense,

But he didn't like
anything common.

So you just grew up

Coming to places like
this every weekend.

Well, yeah. He'd bring me here

To network with all
the well-connected kids,

But I just wanted to come
here and swim in the club pool.

You should've come
swimming with us.

We swam down at the quarry.

Oh, my dad would never
have let me swim there.

He was afraid I'd
catch something...

Like poverty.

Why didn't you just have your
dad buy the quarry for you?

Actually, he already owned it.

So after that I
grew my hair long,

Got kicked out of this club.

Get out of here.

That's how I lost
that fry cook job.

Fry cook job? I did that, too...

But that was right
after they cut me off,

So I split, started traveling,

I did odd jobs, you
know, paid my own way,

And then I ended up
a year in an ashram.

You mean you slept on the
floor and chanted all day long?

I was searching for
my deepest truth.

At least that's
what the guru said.

And I bet he was sitting in,
what, a $ , leather chair

When he said that to you.

So you been staying at that
big house on the hill up there?

Yeah. You know, if you guys

Aren't doing anything
after this deal,

Why don't you come on up
and check out the mansion?

I know you heard
all the weird stories.

Oh, come on. Only
idiots believe that.

We'd love to go up there.

Oh, that's great. All right.

Listen, I'll have the
valet bring my car around.

I'll meet you right
in front, minutes.

Ok.

Jeez, he is so handsome.
Isn't he so handsome?

I can't believe it. It's
amazing that a guy his age

Is in that kind of shape.

You never see guys like
that around lanford...

We are not going up to
that old house on the hill!

There's dungeons in there!

There's nothing wrong with
that house, and you know it.

Maybe, maybe not.

It's just stories that kids
used to tell when we were little.

You know, like how all
the kids said that mom

Was an evil serpent from
the dark netherworld.

I hope you don't mind.

The house is a little quiet.

I gave the help the day off.

Hey, that's a good idea.

We used to be the help,
and we were terrible.

Does anyone feel a chill?

These big mansions
are kind of hard to heat.

How about I give
you the grand tour?

I'll show you the
basement first, huh?

No. No.

Oh, come on, come on.

I want you to get the
feeling of the dungeon.

It's right behind
this door. Huh?

Uh, no. We're really fine
right where we are here.

And we're not nosy people.

That's too bad.

I thought you might enjoy
meeting the krane twins.

Boo! Ha ha! I got you.

Come on, I'll make
us some coffee.

Boy. Well, this really
is a beautiful old house.

Is this what brought
you back to lanford?

No. I came back to
sell the factory.

My two brothers
ran it into the ground

After my father d*ed.

So I was left with
a mountain of bills

And a steamed i.r.s.
Guy named mitch.

That's horrible.
If I would've known

That your family was
just bleeding the place dry,

I would have padded my
timecard way more than I did.

Well, that's not
the least of it.

We're letting the factory
workers all go next week,

And the foreign conglomerates
that are interested,

They only want the land.

Roseanne, I got to admit

That I didn't just accidentally
run into you today.

I guess you've guessed by now,

I wouldn't go to
that country club.

No. I wanted to meet
you. I need your help.

I think the other
shoe just dropped.

We're really not in the market
to buy a plastics factory,

If that's what you're thinking.

Well, I just need enough dough

To cover the bank and
keep the doors open.

Otherwise, this town's
gonna have to learn to eat

A lot of sushi or falafel.

How come you can't just
sell it to the italians?

I just don't think that's
gonna work, edgar.

Oh, well, you know, I'm
sorry I brought this up.

How about a biscotti?

Uh...

Well, how much
money do you need?

Just enough to keep
the bank off our back,

You know, to keep
the doors open.

The lawyers said it was
something just over a million bucks,

But I don't know if that's
before or after their fees.

Maybe there is something
we could do, roseanne.

We are, like they say,
kind of flush right now.

Yeah, but what good does it do

If everybody gets laid
off in a year anyway?

I mean, it's not gonna be easy,

Like turning the diner
over to nancy and leon.

What are you guys
talking about? What diner?

Well, we owned this diner,

And then we turned it over to
the people who worked there.

Well, why couldn't you
do something like that

With the factory?

You know, like that airline did,

With the guy that you
hand your baggage to says,

"Hello there, ma'am.
I'm an owner." See?

'Cause then the
employees care more,

Which means that
they work harder,

And then that makes
the business better.

Well, yeah. I mean, if we would've
owned a piece of wellman's,

We definitely would've
worked harder,

And I definitely would not have
ripped off the candy machines.

Like an employee buyout.

That's not a bad idea.

Well... Yeah.

I mean, you know...

We might as well.

What good's having
all this money

If all your friends
around you are poor?

First thing monday morning,

I'll get the lawyer on the
phone. He'll call the bank...

Then we'll get a lawyer, then
we'll get him to call up some banker,

And then that banker can call
your lawyer who'll call your banker,

And then your banker can call up a
doctor, and we'll all get a second opinion.

Hey. Ha ha ha!

Who ever thought

That we would be
teamed up with a wellman?

You can't judge people
by where they come from.

Money is the reflection
of its possessor.

Where'd you learn that,

In the ashram there? Huh?

Well, I have to tell you that
I learned something here.

Hmm?

You know, because, well,
the way we were raised...

Me and my sister living
hand-to-mouth and everything...

We never even thought that
there could be any rich people

Who even had the
slightest clue about life.

It's just good to know that, you
know, you're really a decent guy.

You're just really, really cool.

That's a good thing
for me to learn.

Well, thanks, roseanne.
That means a lot to me.

Yeah. I realized
something else, too.

Yeah? What's that?

God, you're gorgeous!

Aaaah!

Aaaah!

Aaaah!

Aaaah! Aaaah!

Aaaah!

Aaaah!

Aaaah!

Aaaah!

Aaaah! Aaaah! Aaaah!

Aaaah!

Aaaah!

Aaaah!

Aaaah!

Aaaah! Aaaah! Aaaah!
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