09x23 - Into That Good Night Pt. 1

[bunniefuu]

Could use a little more work,

But I think darlene,
david, and the baby

Will be comfortable
here for a month or two

Or whenever they decide
to go back to chicago.

Yeah? What could chicago
possibly have to offer them

Besides culture and excitement?

Let's see, we need some
room-darkening shades,

Some of them outlet
cover thingies,

And we can baby-proof
the room later.

Yeah, and at some point,
we're going to have to repaint.

Oh, I don't know, honey.

The paint's holding
up pretty well.

Well, of course it is.

There's nothing more
durable than lead.

That ain't lead paint.

They haven't made
lead paint in years.

Replace lead paint.

Don't forget the baby monitor.

What are you talking about?

David and darlene
will be sleeping

Right next to the crib.

It's not for them. It's for me.

If that baby cries,
I want to hear it.

And if darlene and david just
happen to be talking about us,

Well, then I'll turn it down.

Or not.

Sly puss.

You know, I think
it's totally cool

Our granddaughter is
going to be living in this room.

Yeah. Well, all our
kids pass through here

At some point.

It's like our own
personal ellis island.

What are you doing in my room?

You handle this, dan.

Actually, d.j., Your
niece is coming home

From the hospital next week,

And, uh, david, darlene...

Oh, god, you're shipping me
to the basement, aren't you?

Oh, come on, the
basement isn't that bad.

It's pretty nice. It's...

It's warm. You got
your own furnace.

Yeah. My own spider
webs, my own asbestos...

That's right.

Spider webs, no flies.
Asbestos, no fires.

Case closed.

But, mom, you were going
to turn the basement

Back into your writing room.

Well, we all have
to make sacrifices,

And that's mine.

Besides, d.j.,

The basement is the
perfect environment

For a growing lad
such as yourself.

Yeah. Hey, have you ever
heard in-a-gadda-da-vida

Played down there?

It's awesome!

Plus, you got them
ground floor windows.

You can sneak out
whenever you want.

Yeah? Well, how
am I going to do that

When I'm gasping for air
and covered in spider bites?

Ask david. He did it for years.

♪ If what doesn't k*ll
us is makin' us stronger ♪

♪ We're gonna last longer ♪

♪ Than the greatest
wall in china ♪

♪ Or that rabbit with a drum ♪

♪ If there's one thing
that I've learned ♪

♪ While waiting for my turn ♪

♪ It's that in each
life some rain falls ♪

♪ But you also get some sun ♪

♪ And we'll make
out better than ok ♪

♪ Hear what I say ♪

♪ Yeah, any day ♪

Whoo!

I can't believe

The baby's really
coming home today.

I thought she'd never make it

Out of the shop.

I am so excited, too,

And the best part
is that this time,

I'm not recovering
from the birth.

Yeah, we got a lot to
be thankful for here.

Hey, what's this?

Oh, that's one of those deals

Where it sounds like
the mom's heartbeat.

Whoa!

So that's what a healthy
heart sounds like.

Oh, hey, did d.j.
Get all his stuff

Moved down to the basement?

Yeah, he did.

Good. Now I can
volunteer to help him.

Hey, dan,

Do you think

That my asking darlene and david

To move in here was
the right thing to do?

Well, isn't that what you want?

Yeah.

Well, that used to be
the right thing to do.

Did something
change around here?

No. I'm just wondering

If maybe I'm being a
little selfish, you know?

Maybe if I'm doing this
more for me than for them.

Well, you probably are,

But it's still a
nice thing to do.

What if they don't
want to move in here?

Honey, why are you
so worried about this?

Oh, figure it out, dan.

If they don't like the
accommodations, ok,

They check out early,
and they'll probably try

To sneak that baby
out of here with them.

Honey, that's what kids
do. They leave the nest.

Now, you should be proud.

We've raised some independent,

Free-spirited individuals.

What the hell were we thinking?

Everything's going to be ok.

Oh, I got to go.

Got to pick everybody
up from the hospital.

Our granddaughter

Will be coming home shortly.

Wow! That sounds so great.

Say it again, dan. Louder.

Roseanne and dan's granddaughter

Is coming home today!

Let's get ready to rumble!

Sassy. Spin around

And let me check
out that caboose.

[Makes monkey noises]

All right, that's it, roseanne.

Bottles of pine cleanser

And cans of lemon pledge.

This house is clean.

Ok, I got the bathroom
clean as a whistle, ok?

That sandpaper and
bleach goes a long way.

Hey, good job.

Now get on the phone
and tell everybody

That we're having a
homecoming party for the baby,

And they got to get here

Before the house
gets dirty again.

Hey, and if you're going to
wear that thing on your head,

Make me some pancakes.

Can you believe it, roseanne?

We're bringing
another baby home.

This is a lucky house.

It adapts well to new life.

I can't imagine this family
living anywhere else.

Yeah. Lottery or no,

I could never get
rid of this house.

Ok, mark is asking

If you want him to score a keg.

Um, no, that's ok.

I think I'll just
fire up the harley

And take the baby out on
her first beer run myself.

Ladies and gentlemen,
it is my pleasure

To introduce miss
harris conner healy.

Aww... Ooh... Oh...

Baby!

Oh...

So, what do you
think of the joint?

What's not to like?

At least she's not under
that grow bulb anymore.

Sweetie, this is your new house.

Look at those eyes. I
think she likes it here.

Of course she does.

This is where all
the conners belong.

Smells like...

A pine forest...

Next to a... Lemon grove.

Over a landfill.

I was thinking this rocking chair
should be in front of the window

So you can sit
there, feed the baby,

And then look out and
yell at the neighbor kids

To stay off your lawn.

Well, mom, I don't want to
turn into you all at once.

Take a big fat look in
the mirror, darlene.

You lost.

Ok, well, uh...

You know, if you
guys don't need me,

I'll go get the rest of
the stuff out of the car.

Right. I'm going.

Oh, I can't wait to see the baby

In these cute little outfits.

Is this all the
t-shirts you've got?

Uh... I think so. Why,
does she need more?

Yeah. I mean, when
you were her age,

I had at least twice this many.

Of course, some of them

Were your dad's old socks.

I'm really glad
you're here, darlene.

I am, too.

Good, 'cause, you know,

I don't want you to be here

Unless you want to be here.

Oh, yeah. I mean, I
wouldn't be here

Unless I wanted to be here.

And, of course, you
wanted me to be here.

Oh, yeah, definitely. I
want you to be here.

Uh, for now.

Right.

Yeah. For now.

Yeah. Now's great. I mean...

'Cause now could be an hour,

Or... You know.

Or more.

Yeah. Whatever.

I mean, you have to do
what makes you happy.

You can't worry about
hurting my feelings.

Well, I never worry about
hurting your feelings.

I just... Want to stick
around for a little while

So I can learn some
stuff from you.

Oh, darlene,

You already know a lot of stuff.

You changed d.j.'S diaper once.

Oh, don't remind me.

See, you're lucky
you got a girl.

Their aim isn't nearly as good.

Oh, you know, I mean,

It's not the little things,

Like how often do I feed her

Or when do I change her,

Stuff like that.

It's the big things,
you know? I mean, like...

God, how do I help her
become a good person?

You just have her watch
a lot of public television,

And the rest takes
care of itself.

You don't have to
know everything

All at once,
darlene. I sure didn't.

You didn't?

No. I mean,

I was your age when I had becky,

And I didn't even know
half of what you know now.

Oh, so that's why
you kept her, right?

I did what I had to do

To make sure my kids
got what they needed,

And you'll do the same.

You really think so?

Of course. I'll give
you a great example.

Remember that time

When I had to go
down to your school

To talk to your teacher

'Cause you'd been
barking in class?

Vaguely.

Well, see, I'd never been in
a situation like that before,

And I didn't really
know what to do,

But then, all of a sudden,

My mother instincts kicked in,

And I did the exact right thing.

What did you do?

Oh, good. You're still
repressing that memory

Of obedience school.

Come on, mom.

Look, darlene,

Everything's going
to be ok, you know.

I mean, the hard part
doesn't even come till later,

When you look at
your kid and realize

It's not just your baby,
it's a real human being,

And she's gonna do things
the way she wants to do 'em.

But...

That's also the best part.

You really think so?

No, not really. Uh...

Actually, the best part

Is when you can mold
their tender little egos

To fit your every whim.

God.

I can't believe I barked.

Hell, honey, we all barked.

Hey, what's this,

Some new religious thing?

A little help here.

I think I snapped my pelvis.

Thanks.

It's not so bad
down here, you know.

Just remember,

They're not cockroaches,

They're water beetles.

Ok.

Well, you know,

I kind of feel bad

About moving you down
here to the basement,

But the only thing
I can say to you

Is the same thing I said to
becky and then to darlene:

We love the new
baby more than you.

It's ok. I'm kind of
fond of her myself.

You know, but down here,

I can have more
than just a bedroom.

I can have, like,
a whole studio.

Ok, over here, I'm going
to put, like, my editing bay.

You know what that is, right?

Where you edit?

Right.

Ok. Now,

I'll put my computer over here,

And that'll be like my
preproduction area.

And all I need is,
like, a corkboard,

A couple of pushpins...

Then, of course, a project.

Look, I'm going to leave
this space over here blank.

It's going to be like my
home theater system.

Pass that along to santa.

Santa, huh?

Well, there's another
little talk we need to have.

You know, I'm really
proud of you, son.

Mom...

No, I know, I've
said this all before.

Haven't i?

Mm-hmm.

Well...

This is a different
kind of proud, though.

It's not like the same
kind of proud I was

When you took
your first steps...

Or when you got
your first "c" in math.

It's more of a grown-up
kind of a proud, you know?

It's like you have a little boy

And you watch him
eat all his crayons

And he's biting
people and stuff,

And you wonder what kind of a
guy he's going to grow up to be,

And then one day, he does
something very classy,

And you realize that some
woman is going to owe you

A great big thank-you note for
raising such a wonderful son.

Wow... A woman!

Did you hear any of
that other stuff I said?

Yeah.

You know, this was going
to be your writing room.

Ah, my own dungeon.

It's an office.

So you can write.

Oh, my own office!

Do you like it?

It's my own office!

This is so you don't
bother us when you write.

Oh, it's just great.

It's fantastic!

Yeah, I put all these
shelves in here for your, uh...

The stuff you write.

Manuscripts.

Man, I can't believe
that you remember

When this was going
to be my writing room.

It was, like, one of
your greatest birthdays.

Yeah.

And we've got some shoesies...

And a cute little hat,

And a...

Some kind of damn
little girlie thing and...

Oh! This.

The last dress
darlene ever wore.

Yeah. See?

It's fun poking through
old stuff, ain't it?

Well, we haven't had much
fun around here in a while.

Yeah, these are good times.

Mm-hmm. I guess we deserve some.

It has been a very weird year.

Yeah, well...

Uh, I think that
roseanne is really glad

To have you back
in the house, dan.

I was sitting in that
motel by the airport,

And I finally realized

The whole california
thing was so stupid.

I belong here.

I'm glad to hear you say that.

And I think roseanne is glad
to be home, too, you know.

The... The time we spent
running around on trains

And going to spas

And hobnobbing in the hamptons,

It just didn't work for us.

I mean, don't get me
wrong, it was fun...

Well, not for me.

Ok.

It's time for the
dumping of the nipples.

Wow!

Looks like a naked
synchronized swim team.

Hey, hey!

We got the pizzas.

Man, look at all this stuff!

Oh...

Darlene used to tie
up d.j. With these ones.

And I used to string up david

With my mom's nylons.

Very resourceful, mark.

Well, you know, I do what I can.

God, I think it is so great

That mom saved all this stuff.

I wonder if she saved
any stuff for you.

Mom?

Maybe you were right, dan.

It is kind of cool
saving stuff like this.

Yoo-hoo, I'm here.

Haul out the holly.

Then again, there is
something to be said

For throwing out the old.

Did you get a border to border?

What on earth is that?

Canadian bacon and
jalapeño peppers.

Yeah, what's the matter?

Don't you know your
international cuisine?

One border to border right here.

Who wants a soda?

Me, me. Me. I do.

Ew, anchovies.

Oh! Wait, I'll take that one.

I just...

Feel like anchovies.

Look, everyone, discovery.

If you fold your pizza over,

You can make your own calzone.

Olé!

The baby woke up

When she smelled the pizza.

Well, it's official.

She's a real conner.

This is just the best.

Yeah.

I really like the way

This place's cheese
grips the crust,

You know?

And if you've ever had
scalding hot cheese in your lap,

You'd appreciate
what I'm talking about.

Um, no, honey,

I wasn't talking
about the pizza.

I was talking about... You know,

All of us being
together like this.

You know, just...
Being here together.

Yeah, I like that.

Hey, uh...

What about somebody
saying grace?

Grace? We never say grace.

No, I know, but isn't
it about time to start?

I mean, we owe god in a big way.

Yeah.

I must have said a
thousand prayers

In every corner
of that hospital.

Well, you know,

Everybody prays when
stuff's, like, in crisis,

But how many people really pray

When stuff's going good?

I do.

Nobody say anything
bad about her.

Ok, well, what do we do?

Do we hold hands
or something or...

No. I just think the important
thing is that, uh, you know,

We need to stop
praying in dark corners

And hiding, you know?

We should start
praying the way we fight...

Out loud and in public
where everybody can hear it.

Ok, I'll go. All right.

Ahem...

Dear god, uh...

We thank you for everything,

Not just for the pizza,

Which we are about to receive,

Although we do love
pizza, as you well know.

Um...

I don't know if I can
really find the words

To express how grateful I am,

Um... To just have the
family here all together

And everybody
being healthy, and...

That's more important

Than winning the
lottery a hundred times.

But I think, most of all,

We would like to thank you
for answering our prayers

And letting darlene
and david's little girl

b*at all the odds,

Just like us conners always do.

Amen.

Amen. Amen. Amen.

That was really nice, honey.

Thank you. Well, you know,

Words are, like, my thing.

I put the baby down
in mom and dad's bed.

Are you sure she won't
roll over the edge?

David, she's
surrounded by pillows.

Besides, she's in that
huge divot in the middle.

Hey...

You ok with all this?

With what?

You know, staying here
with my parents for a while.

What, are you kidding?

I love it here.

It's...

It's never dull.

Well, cool, 'cause, you know,

I just feel safe being
near my mom right now.

You know, at least until the
baby's bigger and stronger.

Well, people in this house

Do tend to get
bigger, don't they?

And, you know, I mean, I think it'll
be really great for my dad, too.

He acts like years younger
when he's around the baby.

It's got to be good for him

After the heart att*ck
and everything, right?

Yeah.

Yeah, it's great.

You know what this
is? It's really tribal.

Tribal?

Note to myself...

I alone will teach
the baby new words.

No, i... I just mean

That harris will get
to start off her life

In a real extended family.

Oh, I never thought
about it like that.

Darlene, it's going
to be so great.

I mean, it's very natural.

It's like, throughout history,

That's how every child
grew up, you know?

There wasn't day
care or baby-sitters.

There was just the family.

It's perfect.

We should tell your parents

How grateful we really are.

Well, I'll do it.

You tend to gush.

Besides, I'm not
sure they're crazy

About this whole
idea in the first place.

What are you talking about? They
love having us here, don't they?

I mean, I thought they did,
but then I talked to my mom,

And I got this weird feeling

That they don't want us
around here for too long.

Maybe they just meant you.

No, david.

It's just my mom. You know,

She's usually, like, so
direct about everything.

Or haven't you noticed?

No, i... I noticed.

Well, so I just think

If she wanted us to stay for
an extended period of time,

She would have said "stay
for an extended period of time."

Of course, she would
have used shorter words.

So what does this mean?

Well, it means, I think,

That we should get out
of here as soon as we can.

[Baby cries]

I should go. I'll put
the baby upstairs, huh?