09x24 - Into That Good Night Pt. 2

All episode transcripts for the TV show "Roseanne". Aired: October 18, 1988 - May 20, 1997.
Explore life, death and everything in between through the relatable, hilarious and brutally honest lens of the working-class Conner household.
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09x24 - Into That Good Night Pt. 2

Post by bunniefuu »

It's a winnie the pooh cake.

Isn't it the cutest?

Look... Look at what
it says on the card.

"Happy -month birthday,
harris. We love you."

You stick your finger
in that, I'll k*ll you.

W-wait a minute. I'm confused.

I thought birthdays
only come in years.

No. This little girl's
been through so much

That we're gonna celebrate
every little milestone

No matter how small it is.

Wait till you see what we got
planned for her first ear infection.

[Doorbell chimes]


Hello, hello!

We come bearing gifts...

Dolls and a tea set.

And a g.i. Joe and a football.

We figured we'll put them
at opposite ends of her room

And let her
gender-identify herself.

Ah, to be young again.

So where is she?

She's so cute, you know,

She doesn't really
belong in this family.

Leon, we all started out cute.

Well, I'm going up to
check on her right now,

And I'll let you all know when
she's ready to receive guests.

Well, bev is still out there
trying to park the econoline.

Oh, yes. None of you happens
to own a red datsun, do you?

I do. Why?

No reason, really.

It's just... It's,
um, very sporty.

Sorry I'm late. A couple
of mason jars exploded.

No jam this christmas.

Oh, rats!

Rats, rats, rats.

I'm ready to see my namesake.

Sound the trumpets.

Tell her that her
great-grandmother is here.

Don't worry. She's been warned.

♪ If what doesn't k*ll
us is makin' us stronger ♪

♪ We're gonna last longer ♪

♪ Than the greatest
wall in china ♪

♪ Or that rabbit with a drum ♪

♪ If there's one thing
that I've learned ♪

♪ While waiting for my turn ♪

♪ It's that in each
life some rain falls ♪

♪ But you also get some sun ♪

♪ And we'll make
out better than ok ♪

♪ Hear what I say ♪

♪ Yeah, any day ♪

I hear movement. Movement!

Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh...

Hey, hey, hey, one at a time.

You people are scary
enough individually.

Oh, we just want to
see the baby, roseanne.

Me first. Me first!

Ok... We're going
in order of sanity.

Well, we can't all be last.

Oh... You must be so cold
in this drafty old house.

Ohh, look... So cute and tiny.

I just want to put
you on a key chain.

Oh, look at this, harris.

This is a picture of your
mother when she was a teenager.

She never was much of a smiler.

And this is my daughter,
your grandmother.

I don't know who that child
is she's holding underwater.

Oh, my, my baby's a grandmother.

My head is spinning.

Oh, I almost forgot...

I've set you up with
a little savings bond.

Now, it could be for college

Or a car when you're


In case your husband runs
out on you and leaves you broke

And depressed and miserable
and angry at the whole world.


Hi, harris.

You're such a beautiful child.

I know your life is going to be
filled with love and happiness.

Did that sound sincere?

A lot of times people accuse
me of not sounding sincere

When I really am.

Hey, harris, you're
gonna be a star.

Good evening.

This is a little
piece I call baby.

Baby's eye...

Baby's chin...

Baby's ear.

Put 'em all together...

And you have baby!

This has been a
d.j. Conner film.

Oh, she's smiling.

Oh, oh, hello, precious...

Too too too-too-too...


This is auntie scott

And aunt leon.


Do the angry face.

The one I like. That's it.

He loves that.

Hey, if you ever need
somebody to talk to...

You know, I mean when you can...

I'm a good listener.

I'm not pushy like, uh,
some people in this family.

I'm not naming names, but, uh...

Hey, give grandpa
a big smile, huh?

[Baby talk]

Oh, god, darlene is so lucky.


Hey, so when are we
gonna tell everybody

That we're lucky, too?

Mark, we just found out.

It's too early to say anything.

Besides, we don't want to take all
the attention away from darlene.

Yeah, let's wait a
couple of weeks

Until they're tired of the baby.

Hey, do you think it'd
be ok if i... I touched her?

Let me see your hands.


Harris, this is your cousin
andy and your uncle jerry.

Oh, honey...

Jeez... There you go.



You had a lot of
visitors today, didn't you?

I hope nobody frightened you,

Because they all
love you very much.

There's a lot of love
here in this house.

You might hear some yelling or
some naughty words sometimes...

But sometimes the
love is just so strong

That they can't contain it.


Hey, kid...

I used lava.

Here you go.

Here you go...

Oh, man.

This dad thing's gonna be great.

You guys, that baby
is so wonderful.

Thanks, nancy.

No, I mean, she's
really special.

Wouldn't it be incredible

If she turned out to be
the first woman president?

I think it's more important
to raise honest children.

You know, seeing the baby

And then seeing you and
then seeing the baby again

Made me realize that, hey!
You're a real dad! Get over here!

It is. It's starting to feel
that way just now, you know?

Uh, mr. Conner, when did you
start to feel like a real dad?

Oh, well, that was
when we had little jerry.

I had had some
children before that,

But they were just for practice.

I think it became real
for me at my wedding...

When I was breast-feeding
andy at the altar.

Nah, it was the first
time I held becky.

The way she looked at me.

You never forget that.

Yeah, those little blue eyes

That know nothing about
the world around them.

Hmm. She still looks like that.

Gosh, that baby
is just so amazing.

Can't wait till I'm a dad.

Oh, I think you will.

Oh, now, you never know, dan.

Kids these days are having
sex a lot sooner. Things happen.

I don't think so.

Leon and I have a little
announcement to make, don't we?

No, we don't. Yes, we do.

How can we keep quiet?

It is in the air.

All right, I will tell them.

Scott and I are
going to adopt a baby,

Which I think I told
you all at thanksgiving.

Yes, and I behaved dreadfully.

Yes, and not for the first time.

And all is forgiven, sweetheart.

All is forgiven.

Any rate, today I am
overjoyed to announce

That we have g*n
the adoption paperwork,

And in months,

We will be the proud parents
of little -year-old nadia.

Jackie: oh, ho ho ho...

She is from romania.

We're going to san
francisco to pick her up.

Imagine that. We're
going to san francisco.

We're going to pick up a girl.

You guys are
rescuing a little girl.

You're the best.

Your karma rating just
went through the roof.

Well, I couldn't be happier.

I can't think of
better mothers.

But still, it is a
big responsibility.

You will need some experienced
parents to give you advice.

Leave them alone, mother,

Unless you want to
take or seconds

And write down
everything you know.

I mean, uh, babies
are hard enough.

And then once
they start toddling,

I mean, you have to
watch them every minute.

Well, I'm going to
take the even moments,

And leon will take the odd.

No. The other way around.

Well, whatever.

Roseanne was always
getting into everything.

You know, she would
just sit under the sink

With a bucket on her head.

And she made me stand
guard with a broom.

I never understood
what she was hiding from.

Ok, you guys, lunch is here...

Courtesy of uncle wong's.

I'll go help mom set the table.

You know, that place is
on their third uncle wong?

It's like lassie.

Man, there's a lot
of people out there.

Yeah, well, soon as
the free food's gone,

They'll be gone, too.

You know, mom, it really is
too crowded around here...

So david and I were thinking

That instead of spending
a couple of months here,

We could probably be out
of here in a couple of weeks.


A couple weeks isn't long enough

For me to teach you all the
stuff that I want to teach you.

I mean, when we had that talk,

You said you wanted
to learn stuff from me.

I mean, what would you do

If the baby got
an ear infection?

Talk to her from
the opposite side?

No. I'm serious, darlene.

I mean, I just want to make
sure that you know this stuff.

Well, there's always
the phone, mom...

'Cause I know you don't want
us camping out here forever.

I mean, you made
that pretty clear.


When did I make that clear?

"For now"?

You're the one that
said "for now" first.

Well, you didn't exactly
beg me to stay around here.

Well, ok, so do you want
me to beg you to stay?

Please, please,
please stay, stay, stay.

I beg you. I double-dog beg you.

Is that clear enough
there for now?

I want to stay
home with you, mom.



You do?

For how long?


You first.

Ok, well, this is just my, you
know, opening negotiating point.

For... Ever?

Well, seeing as I
plan to outlive you,

I'll meet you halfway.

It's a deal.

So welcome home, darlene.

You're grounded.

Dan: hey, what's with the food?!

Shut up!!

Oh, I love it here.

That's a fascinating facet
of you I've never seen.

Was I right?

Can uncle wong's whip
up a lo mein or what?

That's chow mein. You
can tell by the noodles.

All chinese noodles
are the same.

Oh, dad, that's ridiculous.

Come on, dad, lo
mein noodles are soft,

Chow mein noodles
are very crispy.

Ok, I'm warning everybody.

I am not going to live
through another version

Of that pepperoni-
sausage debate

From last week.

I was right about that.

They are completely
different parts of the cow.


All meat, meat by-products,

Rodent parts, hair, sawdust...

Encased in a tube are sausage!

Am I wrong?

everyone wonders

where creative people
get their inspiration.

actually, I've found
it's all around you.

take leon, for instance.


Manners police.
I'm sorry, dan...

No whittling at the
dining room table.

leon is not really
as cool as I made him.

he's the only gay guy I know

who belongs to the elks' club.

As far as I'm concerned, george bush
was the best president we ever had.

I mean, look at all the fat
that he cut out of medicare.

You know, in china they
believe in reincarnation,

So they have a hell of a
time with their probate law.

then there's scott.

he really is a probate
lawyer I met about a year ago

and introduced to leon.

i guess I didn't get
too creative there.

Hey, d.j.,

Quit bogarting
the moo goo gai pan.

Yeah, well, darlene
took all the pot stickers.

And now that you're distracted,

I took the moo goo gai pan.

Confucius say, "you
snooze, you lose."

Oh, thinning son.

a lot of kids have
called my son a nerd,

but as I told him,

they called steven
spielberg a nerd, too.

a lot of times, nerds
are really artists

who just listen to the
b*at of a different drum.

Roseanne, will you keep
your children in line?

I didn't raise my children
to throw chopsticks.

my mom came from a generation

where women were supposed
to be submissive about everything.

i never bought into that,
and I wish mom hadn't either.

i wish she had made
different choices.

so I think that's
why I made her gay.

i wanted her to have
some sense of herself

as a woman.

You may think I'm crazy,

But it is the women's movement

That has destroyed
the family unit.

oh, yeah...

and she's nuts.

Hey, man, check
out my fortune here.

"True love lies where
you least expect it."

It better not.

Mark, I think I got yours.

"Deep thoughts run shallow."

There's lucky
numbers on the back.

Let's play the lottery.

No, thanks. I can't get
rid of all this money now.

my sister in real life,
unlike my mother, is gay.

she always told me she was gay,

but for some reason,

i always pictured
her with a man.

she's been my rock,

and I would not have
made it this far without her.

i guess nancy's kind
of my hero, too...

The women's shelter
needs furniture,

So if there's anything you
don't want, let me know,

And I'll have it picked up.

'cause she got out
of a terrible marriage

and found a great
spiritual strength.

i don't know what happened
to that husband of hers,

but in my book, I sent
him into outer space.

when becky brought
david home a few years ago,

i thought, "this is wrong."

he was much more darlene's type.

So do you want to go to this
poetry reading before the museum?

Yeah, before. I want to
pick up some books first.

Oh, great.

when darlene met mark,

i thought he went
better with becky.

Get me a beer.

Get it yourself, slob.

i guess I was wrong,

but I still think they'd be more
compatible the other way around.

so... In my writing,

i did what any good
mother would do.

i fixed it.

i lost dan last year when
he had his heart att*ck.

but he's still the first thing
I think about when I wake up

and the last thing I think
about before I go to sleep.

i miss him.




dan and I always felt

that it was our
responsibility as parents

to improve the lives
of our children by %

over our own.

and we did.

we didn't hit our
children as we were hit.

we didn't demand their
unquestioning silence.

and we didn't teach
our daughters

to sacrifice more than our sons.

as a modern wife, I
walked a tightrope

between tradition and progress,

and usually I failed

by one outsider's
standards or another's.

but I figured out that
neither winning nor losing

count for women
like they do for men.

we women are the ones who
transform everything we touch...

and nothing on earth
is higher than that.

my writing's really what got me
through the last year after dan died.

i mean, at first I
felt so betrayed,

as if he had left me
for another woman.

when you're a blue-collar woman

and your husband dies, it takes
away your whole sense of security.

so I began writing about
having all the money in the world,

and I imagined myself going to
spas and swanky new york parties,

just like the people on tv,

where nobody has
any real problems

and everything's
solved within minutes.

i tried to imagine myself as
mary richards, jeannie, that girl...

but I was so angry, I was more
like a female steven seagal,

wanting to fight
the whole world.

for a while, I lost
myself in food

and in a depression so deep that
I couldn't even get out of bed...

until I saw that my family
needed me to pull through

so that they could pull through.

one day I actually imagined
being with another man.

but then I felt so guilty,

i had to pretend it was
for some altruistic reason.

and then darlene had the baby,

and it almost died.

i snapped out of the
mourning immediately,

and all of my life energy
turned into choosing life.

in choosing life,

i realized that my dreams of being
a writer wouldn't just come true.

i had to do the work.

and as I wrote about
my life, I relived it,

and whatever I didn't
like, I rearranged.

i made a commitment
to finish my story,

even if I had to
write in the basement

in the middle of the night

while everyone else was asleep.

but the more I wrote, the
more I understood myself

and why I had made
the choices I made,

and that was the real jackpot.

i learned that dreams
don't work without action.

i learned that no one
could stop me but me.

i learned that love
is stronger than hate.

and most important...

i learned that god does exist.

he and/or she is
right inside you,

underneath the pain, the
sorrow, and the shame.

i think I'll be a lot better
now that this book is done.

dj: happy birthday
mom. Here, pencils

darlene: yeah, and I got
you some note pads.

becky: and I got you a
dictionary and a thesaurus

dan: you know, stephen
king started this way.

♪ If what doesn't k*ll us
is making us stronger ♪

♪ We're gonna last longer ♪

♪ Than the greatest
wall in china ♪

♪ Or that rabbit with the drum ♪

♪ If there's one
thing that I'll learn ♪

♪ While waiting for my turn ♪

♪ It's that in each
life some rain falls ♪

♪ But you also get some sun ♪

♪ We'll make out
better than ok ♪

♪ Hear what I say ♪

♪ Yeah, any day ♪

Roseanne: ha ha ha ha
ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha...
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